HE SAID SHE SAID

I feel like everytime when I am finally getting closer to my boyfriend, I would always end up finding something that I didn’t know that he did that made me end up feeling uncomfortable again. Honestly, I hate it, and honestly I hate that he’s doing that. Right when I thought we are closer than ever, right when I thought that we finally are honest to each other and faithful, I was scrolling through facebook and one of the picture Mary was tagged in, Alfonso was holding her hand down by the beach, like what the fuck? Excuse me? Why the hell are you holding her hand, when in the picture Yoshi was walking perfectly fine. Shit, if she needs help, Yoshi can help her, you don’t need to be her shiny knight coming to rescue. Am I being too paranoid considering he was going on a 5 day catalina trip with a Christian group, and with people like her, this kind of things should be okay? I don’t know. And I guess it doesn’t help when he’s bestfriend that’s a girl lets call her Minnie tells me that he and the other girl let’s call her Megan are way closer and more intimate than they were. Then Minnie goes on telling me how he gives Megan intimate tight hugs that last ten minutes, I am just here like what the hell. On one hand he seems like a trust worthy guy, and on the other hand I hear his best friend telling me things like this and then go on and tell me not to trust me. This honestly makes me question a lot of things. I went on one 3 day trip with Minnie, who I hated for the longest time, or…well not hate, just dislike a lot, more like jealous over because Minnie and my boyfriend would always be together, and often more than we ever were together.

I don’t know, something about opposite sex friendship just don’t really work out so well. And honestly it just doesn’t help when someone he claims to be close with, someone who he breaks up with me for is telling me that he flirts a lot with other girls and that he gives long hugs. Honestly what the hell am I suppose to do when I hear shit like that? I obviously cannot just ignore it, but honestly I can’t take into account because I haven’t heard his side of the story, but I feel like no matter what he says I can’t really believe him because my boyfriend have the tendency to change stories around, etc.

All these leaves me stuck at the same place. God, I should really just stop going on facebook and checking out their pictures, because honestly no matter what I feel like I always end up finding something that my boyfriend end up not telling me about and me going all anal about it.

I am grateful that I have a blog to release my anger and my jealousy although I kind of doubt anyone would follow up with this blog and read it, after all it’s a dumb blog that doesn’t make sense half of the time. Half of the things I say here doesn’t even make sense because of my inconsistency and stuff. I should just either move on and find a better boyfriend who doesn’t do things like that, or I stay and tries to trust him. Because whatever this is, its not working. Shit. What the hell though, holding a girl’s hand at the beach? You don’t see me holding someone else’s hand at the beach. 

Micro-arguments - Patience

Ever since getting back after break up, I been nothing but forgiving, if not more patient. But instead I get nothing back, I feel like I give more than I get. Sometimes I don’t know if this is worth my time or not, sometimes I feel like I don’t even know anymore, and it is especially time like this.

Everytime when I get mad at him, I calm myself down, I think about what I committed and I take a deep breath. Honestly I have been way more patient than I ever had been in my whole life with him because he means a lot to me for me to get in small argument about with. And today, just now, we got into an argument simply because I was typing on my computer and I couldn’t tell him what I was typing. I was still talking to him via skype, and typing a journal entry about Valentines day, and obviously im not gonna tell him oh I am writing about how I don’t know what gift to get guys because my ex loved hello kitty and he doesn’t, because that’d just pretty much tell him about this upcoming Valentines day and me not having a gift ready for him. And so I told him that I was doing nothing. So much typing so little words, I guess he got suspicious or curious and frustrated because I was semi lying, so he faced the side at first, I stopped all the things I was doing and I was like “Bae, bae” but of course, he didn’t respond, so I continued my typing of the entry. Only little did I know it lead to him closing his webcam, and follow by a hangup. This got me mad, because what gives him the damn right to hang up on me and be mad when I try to talk to him and he just refuse to talk.

If he wants to get mad then fine, but honestly when he is the one in the beginning of this new relationship telling me that he want me to stop getting mad at the little stuff, I had higher expectations for him when it comes to anger management. And not hanging up just because of the small things I do was just one of them. I was expecting something better from him since he was the one setting it up. There were countless times where he have done things that ticked me off or got me mad because of the way he did it, how thoughtless he was, or just how unboyfriend like it was. I was hurt many times, my feelings got in the way of things many times. He lied to me many times and there were plenty of where that came from, and he can’t even oversee this one just got me really mad, like really, because I am honestly not ready for another break up, but I am not up for another argumenet like this. I signed up for some peace, I signed up for having less argument if not non because I cared for him that much, and sometimes I just feel a little one sided when he refuses to see it that way. I know when I got into the relationship that he said he didn’t love me, that he only cared for me, that things wouldn’t turn out the way I wanted it to be, and I accepted that. I guess I just have too high of an expectation out of this relationship. There are times where i wish my feelings would stop, that I would stop being so emotional about things like this and let it go, and pretend like I don’t care, like I am fine but I am not.

If I am able to give in my anger, and give up on being mad, and reason things out and be more patient, what gives him right to get mad at me and hang up when I don’t even do them anymore. It makes no sense to me. Maybe I am just thinking this too much, I should stop.

Sigh. This is what I signed up for, this is what I know what I was getting into, and I should be okay with this regardless.

That’s it for tonight. Good night everyone. I will updated on the Valentines day post later this week or tomorrow depending on when I can write it without feeling what I am feeling right now. 

Cultural Difference

We been through a long time together. Been through the happy times and the sad times. It is crazy how fast time past, and yet we change even though we are still in the same place. There are a lot of things I still dont understand. Including life.

I am in a official relationship with the guy I am happy to call him my present. He is someone I am willing to accept, someone who I would spend my money for if I have to, and someone who I don't ask much from knowing he is kinda broke.

There are things which I hate about him, he is a lot of a guy, which is something I am not used to. All the people I dated, although are guys, tends to act more feminine, so when my Present came into my life, it was really weird because of how different he was from my ex. Although sometimes I would compare him to my two past, and sometime gets sad about it because I just can't see him taking care of me the way the other two in my past would. My present can't even care for himself, which worries me. He chooses to party before everything else at times. He doesn't always make the wisest choice, and he likes to have fun more than thinking about the consequencce.

The most I worry about is that he is of another race. And not just any other race either, he is mexican. I mean don't get me wrong, my best friends are Mexican, and I love them, but its just having to survive with them, and maybe last a life time, the difference in culture and food worries me. Because I know he is not going to marry into an Asian household, and similarly I wouldn't want to be married into a Mexican household. He is catholic, although thank god he is not one of those super religious people, meanwhile I don't even know if I practice a religion.

Culture difference is already enough to worry about, if I end up ,marrying this guy, I also have to worry about religious difference? I mean obviously he would respect me and not force me to go into Catholic, but its just the fact that there are still certain ritual that makes me worry.

One thing many doesn't know, including my present is that I hate Mexican food or I mean just dislike. One thing I cannot take is beans, their cooked texture is just so weird. So when my best friends and boyfriend are Mexican, and wants to bring me to get mexican food. I am just like wtf am I suppose to order when I don't even know what they have. And then I see them ordering fluently it scares the crap out of me. I hate ordering in front of certain people, which mostly entails any of my boyfriends.

Thinking about all this worries me, it makes me think about life. Every time when I feel insecure because he hangs out with his best friend, which is a girl who I don't know, it makes me worry. I know he is not the cheating type, but with the fact that he is closer to her than me, and would sit next to her and talk to her while we're in the same office instead of me, it would hurt a lot.I hate having these kind of feelings but they just happen.

But that's another story for another time.
Time to study for finals, good luck everyone who's reading this on your finals! #collegelife

First of Everything

This had always been somewhere in my head, but then it just never came to me this strong until now. My just recently became ex versus my just recently became my current really did get me thinking. Let's just call my recently became ex Jake and recently became current Liam for clarification purposes. 

Jake had been the boyfriend I dated the longest, and because by first never really rose any expectation besides the fact that he’d do nearly anything for me. And thus, making me compare to him often when Jake does selfish things or be as stubborn as he is. Meanwhile Liam, although never been in a relationship, had always been a nice guy in a sense. Liam doesn’t know how to treat girls, especially girlfriends. He also doesn’t have the boundaries one should have especially when it comes to commitments and such.

Liam, have made countless mistakes during the past few months that it stresses me. Causes me to question whether or not it was a good idea to start it with him in the first place. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like him a lot, but just seeing how he can’t really treat girls right, and when I mean girls I meant me just pisses me off.

Then I look at my most current crush whom I give up on. Let’s call him Ed for now. It wasn’t his look that got me into Ed in the first place, because when I first met him, I didn’t have these feelings I had recently. It was the prolonged time spending together that got me liking him more and more. And of course, slowly, falling for him and his personality. It’s funny, because I think he is the first person I fell for the personality first, he is also one of the longest crush I have had that showed some sort of interest in me and was willing to pay for everything during our first “hangout”.

To talk about this, we have to rewind back to the date we had, or the “hangout”, or so we call it that. It felt a bit like a date because he paid for the tickets and offered to buy me food in the theater. Even after I refuse, he purchases a giant water bottle for me, which probably costed around $3 dollars because the total came out to be $17 or so dollars when the only thing he bought were a plastic square bag of M&Ms that market value probably costed $2-$2.50 max, a box of sour patch you’d see in the 99 cent store, and two large water bottle, those good quality ones too, that is probably marketed $2 dollars but all charged probably double or triple the price. During the movie,  I got to admit there were many awkward moments, and by the ending, there were millisecond moments where we could’ve probably kissed, but I held back because I never really been on a date date like that before. Not to sound stupid, but I didn’t know what to do, especially in situations like that. The night ended with a goodbye, when we arrived at my house, I got out only to see his disappointed face when I opened the door, “oh we’re not staying in the car? That’s fine” but of course who knew if he was serious about that or not.

But when I saw him taking off, in my stomach, something just doesn’t sit right. In my head, I knew this was it, and if anything were to happen it had to be today because I would probably not hangout with him ever again after this due to the fact that school is starting on one hand, and he works on most days that I am free. And with his raincheck rate, it usually takes forever to schedule a hangout with him in the first place.

So after countless moments of thinking, I decided to dial his number, and closed my eyes, hoping I don’t mess it up. When he picked up the phone, my heart raced to the top of my skull as I can feel the blood of nervousness just pumping through telling me all sort of thoughts and sanrio of how this all could’ve gone.

I told him from one of the classic out of the book for an underage ish type of people. Typical reason, “I left my keys in my house, and my parents aren’t home, I am locked out of my house”

His first response was “oh shit,” and second was, “let me get off of the nearest exit and go back.”

Without second question or doubt, and that’s the type of people I like. Gentlemen and just considerate. Especially with those kind of things, I mean a lot of douche bags would just be like, oh locked out? Sucks for you, too bad. But Ed actually comes back to you. And I am quite grateful for that. Which is why after the first date, it made me want to ask him to a second although knowing it’s a bit impossible.

Why is he driving me crazy. I hate love.

Early Cease of Pleasure

"Early Cease of Pleasure", sounds deep and simple, but trust me, it took me a while to think over. I first was going to name it "Orgasm happened too fast", only to realized that for the past, everything I written in this blog is more metaphorical than literal. So then I modified a little, thinking hmm..something starting with Pleasure, but obviously going for "Pleasure ending too fast, or pleasure that ends too fast" isn't a good title to have on a blog such as mine.

So I started thinking of words to replace with the words I have already modified, cease popped up in my head and I thought it'd be a great idea to use it.

====

So as many of you I believed have experience during your sexual intercourse aka sex, is an orgasm happening too early on. Rather than both partner achieving orgasm at the same time, one person had theirs way before another. And usually, it is the men who achieve their orgasm first, and of course would stop afterwards because 1) their penis will obviously grow soft after the ejaculation of the semen, meanwhile 2) after achieving orgasm, the desire of continuing to try to satisfy the other drops instantly to zero if not negatives.

I think this is a problem a lot of men have, especially those who first encountered sex. 

According to ShareCare, a question was asked about how long it typically takes to achieve orgasm, and it was answered by a cardiologist Mehmet Oz, MD, Cardiology, 

"The average man achieves orgasm in three to five minutes; it can take a woman four times as long. This is one reason many women don't achieve orgasm in every sexual encounter. If they feel pressured to have an orgasm, it can make a sexual encounter more stressful than tax day. And that just about guarantees a woman won't have an orgasm."

Following the read, on the side bar it shows this.
Achieving Orgasm
A satisfying sex life doesn't require orgasmbut achieving orgasm has its own rewards. The process of achieving orgasm is very different for men than for women. For difficulties with female orgasm or male orgasm, communication with your partner, and your doctor, are the best first steps to solving any problems. 

But honestly, how do one communicate with their partner, especially about sex life, and more over are they even willing to listen? I mean does the logic of pleasuring the women never came across their mind. I mean I do women don't release semen to indicate that they're done, but men should still have figured it out when they realize things are going wrong. They should look up ways on how to satisfy a women rather than just do what they want like the diva they are. 

Profile Pictures, just another part of repression surfacing

Thinking that today would be one of those days in which where things would just be relaxing, after all it is Friday anyways. That was all until the facebook notification showed up with my past’s profile picture, with another girl. I froze and struggled, after all I did like him for a longer period of time than any of others, and he is the only one I have serious feelings for, the one I seriously loved. The first person I learned to love, although the wrong way to express those feelings but the one who my true heart lay on/upon.

In the end, I decided to like it, I mean I only gave it a one minute thought, but then I thought that was probably enough given the fact that I guess to grand him the happiness he deserve, to show that he does deserve happiness, someone else who is not me, someone else who would do a better job at taking care of him then me. I really hate the fact that he takes up that much of the space in my heart. I hate the fact that he gave up on me. I know I told myself that this is okay, this is his moment, however I just can’t get over the fact that he is actually moving on.
She is beautiful, and most important of all, he likes her, and she will probably 99.9% treat him better than I ever would. And for sure not break his feelings while at it. And I owe him to that. I guess I just have to wish him happiness at this point and like his profile picture. Like I said before, I owed him that.

I am the type of person who sinks all types of feelings deep within in me because that is just the way I am. And normally, people wouldn’t know, after all in this society, most people are there only about themselves, and I hate that about the society. There aren’t that much listeners out there, plus I think due to the nurture environment I lived in, it caused me to repress all my feelings and thoughts inside, and I hate it. I rather get away and repress my ugly thoughts than to face them, or just simply the thoughts that are too overwhelming, and the worst part is because of that it hurts a lot more when I click the unpause button to my repressed thoughts and finally face them. Because the whole still turns while I hide some moments of me, so when I take out those feelings that I repress, it gets hard to play catch up.

Good bye, "Present"

So finally I am single again, offically. From all those time I post sad posts, to those time I post about stupid things he doesn't understand me doing, now I guess this will be the last post about him. Goodbye "present", you're now offically part of my past.
I guess I will wrap some memories I have of him in this blog post, and seal it from there, no more talks of him as present, no more talks about him as my current. He would be my history, something I once had, once smiled about, and will slowly fade away.
I remember every time he suggested break up, we would end up not breaking up. Not because he never meant it, but because everytime he tries to break up with me, I would end up sobbing to him, lowering my dignity to him, begging him to not leave this relationship. Why? I guess I just never really got used to being alone, and considering being with him for two years into the relationship, its just the fact that you already know so much about each other and the level of understanding is crazy to a point you don't know how you're going to start it again with someone new and achieve that kind of level. I guess he was just part of my comfort zone, something I didn't like losing.
And with the idealology my parents taught me behind, I always look at quantity over quality, like money over love? Since he was this person who is willing to go on any extend to buy me the stuff I want, I guess it just lay me a bonus of not wanting to leave me. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, but then its just his lack of understanding and trying to relate to me frustrates me sometimes (or probably all the time). I never understood him, I don't get why he would often get mad at me when I should be the one getting mad at him. He does things that a boyfriend shouldn't do to their girlfriend, yet when I point it out, he would just give me this look like I take him for granted. I don't, I really don't.
The tiring thing about the relationship I had with him is his expectation. I remember in the very beginning of the relationship, I would always be the one calling him, the one texting him, and when he doesn't reply I would be like hello? Why aren't you replying. And of course, he got annoyed by that very quickly, but then I bothered on, because that's what girlfriends and boyfriends are suppose to do. Then of course, there reached the comfort zone, where you two don't really mind anymore. And once you pass the comfort zone, it's just argument after argument I guess. He started complaining that I don't pay attention to him enough, that I don't call him anymore nor do I text him, but to be honest, it is tiring always being the one to text first, being the one who always calls first. I don't ever remember him calling me because he misses me, I don't remember him ever texted me because he wants to see me, it's always me doing it, and I felt as if I was taken for granted. And of course it's only when you lose someone that you realize how important they were in your life.
You know what kind of bullshit he texted me when he broke up with me?
"For reals over things like this. I was really going to sit down with you tomr and talk about this relationship and how we can maintain it better, but I guess that's fucking pointless now. I don't mind putting more effort into pleasing you but you have no right to get at me when I chose no to considered that amount of efor you put into it for past six month. I don't care whatever the reason it might be to cause you becoming differently in this relationship but I have been waiting for you patiently and now you wanna be an asshole about it then so be it. We are over now, and from this moment on every time you look back at this you will see nothing but regrets. For all the troubles I went though for you. I have no one to blame but myself. I guess at the end I can't really say I hate you, since you did help me grow as a person, so thank you."
So much fake bullshit here that I don't even give a fuck about anymore, if he is this much of a jerk to even put that I will be the one who have nothing but regrets? Who the fuck do you think you are? I will live my life to the fullest with or without you.

Truth be told though, I cried by myself for a while, and I even cried to my friend who I am not even super close to emotionally/mentally. I felt like my world breaking apart at one point, then I don't know why, the following few days, the only person that pops up in my head was Past. He concurred my whole thought process, and I don't know why out of any of the other time I decided to think about him then and there, especially after a break up.
I knew we weren't going to last, I knew that one day we were bound to break up, it was just the matter of time, but then I guess my brain was just never registered to the fact.
It truly gets frustrating when  he pops up when I am the one who hurted him so much. He finally have moved on to someone else, and it would really be messed up of me to try to even attempt to bring him back into my life again and have his heart broken four times . He was my real first love, my longest love, the love I hide away the most, the one I truly inputted effort into. I guess it makes sense for me to think about him. If there was anyone that I was regret towards, he would be the first one, not "present". In fact, he is no where near the first I would feel regret towards. I treated him better than a lot of people would, and I actually let him pressured me. I mean seriously.
In the beginning of the relationship, he threatened me that if I don't have sex with him before our first year anniversary, he would leave me, because it juts proves that I don't love him. How fucked up is that?
It's like, shit, my bad. He said that a year is the longest he would wait and that I was lucky because most guys would just leave me already if I don't have sex with them then and there. I wasn't mentally ready, nor was  I physically ready. I mean he tries to relate to me, saying that he is a virgin too, and that if he is willing to give it to me, I should be willing to give it to him. What the hell? And then he says that he done all those other things for me, and all he asks of me was sex, how hard is that. Look at me, do I look like some kind of prostitute to you? Holy shit. Thinking about all the things he said to me just made me feel less and less regret towards him leaving. I remember when he first tries to take off my pants, and I was like, "no", and he just kept doing it, saying "come on," It had to get me to cry for him to stop, what the hell. After all these he expects me to do more and more, even tried to force me to blow him. And when I say no, his response is, "come on, everytime when you ask me to do something, I always do it, and all I ask is this one thing." And I am just like, "I ask you to visit me, to call me, to read to me sometimes, but I don't ask for things that can even be compared to those, and furthermore, you don't just ask for that, you ask for sex too." And his response was, "That's the same thing, and if not I did more effort, all I ask is two things even so. Come on"

I am not even going to continue this story, let's just end it here. Good bye "present".

Isn't someone missing me? ; la douler

All this time, I thought I was over him, but the truth is that I was never over him. I still have feelings for him, even just he slightest counts right? No matter what he does, or how much I despise him, I just cannot stop loving him. He’s already my ex, I was the one who gave the decision of breaking up with him, and now I am the one regretting this? A little ironic, I know. Why can’t I stop thinking about him? I don’t know, it haunts me in the middle of the night at times. The way he smiles, that face, that innocent but gentle face. Sometimes I miss it, sometimes I wish I still had him. If I had those kind of feelings then why am I here at this step, with someone else in my arm you ask? I have no clue either. In the beginning, I just couldn’t take him on my shoulder anymore. He doesn’t know how I felt, he doesn’t understand me, and moreover, he doesn’t know I cry in the middle of the nights at times because of our fragile relationship. There I said it. Sometimes on the other side of the phone when I was talking to my ex, things would be weird, it would grow quite, afterall we don’t have much to talk about. Getting together right after being a set of strangers, of course there is nothing you can talk about. But then of course, its my fault as well, because I would never tell him how I feel. In fact, I would never tell him anthing about him. Its pretty silly to say it now but then its better than not saying it at all at times. Sometimes I would close my eyes and wish everything was a fairytale. Another reason to why I broke up was because of the fact that I couldn’t express anything with him. I guess if I gave “us” time, we probably would pull through. I mean relationship is all about time, and patience, because only “time will tell” as they say. And that is what kinda happened to me and present, and resulting in me here, in less of a depress relationship. Why didn’t I give my past a chance? Why did I move on so fast? It is because of the way he makes my heart race? Is it because of the way he smiles? The way he loves me like no one else? I really don’t know. He is a guy full of flaws, yet I loved him so much. He chased me for what? Five years? Seven years? At times even though he tells me he have already got over me, I would wonder about that.  Isn’t something missing? Isnt someone missing me? Even though I am the sacrifice, you wont try for me not now. Now im dying to know if you love me, now I am all alone. Isn’t something missing? Isn’t someone missing me? This song truly describes my feelings right now. I can’t bare to see another one of his pictures. Each time I see one picture, an image just pop up of him, the thought of him. The slightest hint reminds me of him, I hate it, I truly hate it. What am I suppose to do now? 

betrayal ; la dauleur

Honesty. Just exactly how much does it worth? And who exactly have the love for them? Sometimes, I felt like the stupid ones to fall for them, sometimes I felt like my trust is ripped apart each time when a lie is set out. Just exactly how many lies am I going to take until my heart and brain both explodes?

" Just exactly how much do you value our trust and relationship? Just exactly how much do you wish to be trusted? You experienced deceiving and lost, but does that mean you have to lay its egg on the others? Friendly lie is one thing but lying to get away with something else is another. Just exactly where did you go on May 25^th when you said you were having lunch with your auntie and your mom? Great lie about going out to lunch with them huh, as great of a lie as going to car wash on May 31^st. People who lies are great, I mean as long as others don’t find out, hey, you know, live another day, why not lie about it? But when the truth hits the ground hard a few moments after the lie is out, who would be the one left behind doing the clean up exactly? Upset yes, but argument is something I don’t want.

Anniversary? Yeah its been a year Danny, we been through a lot of ups and downs, and yes we been through the lowest points many times in life and recovered from it. That will hopefully be the downiest/lowest point of your life in the relationship as well, a point where we will hopefully never return.

I don’t want us to fight over useless things that will eventually lead to breakage. I had too much of that already, I know where arguments lead to, especially this one. I understand you had your view in things, but rather lie than tell the truth, just exactly how much do I worth? Over planning a plan on top of our plan because our plan is too common while other people’s plans are rare because you don’t see them often? Please, I cancelled my plans with rare friends to hang with you no matter how often we see each other.  No matter what your reason is Danny, I want you to take your time to think about it. Was it worth a lie to me?

First time, you know, I go like hey its fine, I trust him. This will probably be the last lie. And then what happens? Bam! The second lie hits. Makes me wonder, just exactly how many lies do you have behind my back that I don’t know about? And just exactly how many of them are truthful. Hey, I know I am not suppose to doubt you, but just like the boy who cry wolf, eventually if lies keeps happening people will go from trust completely, to questioning and doubts and soon, don’t even believe a thing you say.

I want to use this anniversary to clear all of our records, to start a fresh page, because after all its been a year of us together. I don’t want us to look back just to find more reason for our supporting arguments, I want us to start new and look back because we miss some part of our lives. And of course, be together as long as possible.

At first, it hurts to see you lie while I know the truth myself. You know those post on facebook, those moments you see how stupid the other person is, trying to lie to your face, when you yourself knows the truth better than the person who’s telling the lie? Danny, I was at the point where I would scream and run out in the street screaming, but I held it in. It hurted at first, but eventually I gave it a few days, I thought of all the things you did that made me smile and slowly, the box of flame just melts away by days. Of course, within a week another one struck, harder than ever, my hatred grew, my cold sweat kicked in, and my trust for you just tumbled off the balanced board. I told myself I could trust you, I told myself that this once again would be your last time. Same day, of course, you promised that you will try your best not to plan things ontop of our plan, but hopefully with that said, you would also be truthful and honest  for not just me, but us. I want a boyfriend I am proud to say that I can entrust anything, not a boyfriend whom even lies about his whereabouts.

This few months, I have tried to be more forgiving, understanding, appreciative and more temper control to those who are close to me, I know there are still things that I am unwilling to do, but hey, I am beginning to accept some things that you want, I really wish you would respect things that I don’t want to do as much as I respect you and the things you don’t want to do. I know maybe sometimes I am stubborn, but before saying anything, think about the tone you said certain things with, if I am stubborn even when you’re talking to me in a non-grumpy tone, then scold me, soon my little conscientious will kick in and slap me. I am sensitive, and I cry a lot, it may seem like I am using it as advantage, but I don’t show tears to those who are close to me, and if you were to ask any of my friends, the only ones who really saw my tears and the amount of times they saw it, man you would be surprised that they’re meeting the same Jenny. I guess I just react more to people who are close to me, like you. So sometimes just hug and/or pat would do the trick, but I am trying to lessen my tears; but it will take sometimes."

just sometimes, i wish that things in my mind could all just come into words and explode on him. just sometimes

Rememberance ; la douleur

This was written on Friday I believe, but just let me copy and paste this because I think I never got the chance to put this up.

Am I stupid to expect him to change, and to understand? Am I selfish for asking for simple things like talking to me at night? I see other people, and then I look at myself. I push off all of my sweet time to be with him regardless of anything, and all he can do, the best he can do is pushing SOME of his time and except my appreciation? What appreciation? Let’s be honest, I already lost all of my friends, and don’t even talk to them on the phone anymore, and now this shit? So I push my friends away, it’s something that I am “obligated” to do, and for him to push off gaming night, or even delay it, would literally kill our relationship? Wow, that’s just touchy. Exactly touchy.

Hecking every time I would skip an hangout, or skip and phone conversation. For what reason? Because Danny is finally available, and things like that, yet now a days, guys don’t appreciate, or don’t remember. Well shit.

Humanity in general, tends to remember more of the things they didn’t do, the things they piss you off with, and the things that they disagree with you about more than the things that you did that’s good and such.

In arguments like this, the ones who first remember the rights the opposite do, looses, because obviously, the guilt will come in and hit you in the head.

The funny thing is that, tomorrow is his birthday, and I was actually beginning to write his birthday card when he called, and now with that one call, everything is gone. My idea, my inspiration, everything. Why the hell will he even fight with me on a night like this.

Appreciation

Am I stupid to expect him to change, and to understand? Am I selfish for asking for simple things like talking to me at night? I see other people, and then I look at myself. I push off all of my sweet time to be with him regardless of anything, and all he can do, the best he can do is pushing SOME of his time and except my appreciation? What appreciation? Let’s be honest, I already lost all of my friends, and don’t even talk to them on the phone anymore, and now this shit? So I push my friends away, it’s something that I am “obligated” to do, and for him to push off gaming night, or even delay it, would literally kill our relationship? Wow, that’s just touchy. Exactly touchy.

Hecking every time I would skip an hangout, or skip and phone conversation. For what reason? Because Danny is finally available, and things like that, yet now a days, guys don’t appreciate, or don’t remember. Well shit.

Humanity in general, tends to remember more of the things they didn’t do, the things they piss you off with, and the things that they disagree with you about more than the things that you did that’s good and such.

In arguments like this, the ones who first remember the rights the opposite do, looses, because obviously, the guilt will come in and hit you in the head.

The funny thing is that, tomorrow is his birthday, and I was actually beginning to write his birthday card when he called, and now with that one call, everything is gone. My idea, my inspiration, everything. Why the hell will he even fight with me on a night like this.

Just like a recent conversation I had with my friend, who started complaining about her parent's lecture. I simply yelled at her, more like lectured her about it, because honestly, having a parent dead is something that not everyone experience. And to be honest, you don't appreciate until they are gone.

Well, anyways, here is the conversation we had, and to keep it anonymous, I labeled myself as A and her as B.

B

my family is pissing me off so .. not really good 

 *

9:15pm

A

pissing you off as in?

9:16pm

B

I do stuff that they don't approve of in which the some of the whole student population does the same thing

which is sleep late .. and be on their computer ...

9:16pm

A

like?

well at least they care

9:17pm

B

your parents dont ?

9:17pm

A

nope

9:18pm

B

well at least you have your friends that care about you 

like me 

9:30pm

A

uh right, who doesnt live with me practically my whole life?

sigh

9:35pm

B

Jenny it is not that bad ....

I believe so ... we just have to find our own will power to figure things out

9:37pm

A

it's not that bad

please its not that bad.

just because you dont live under my roof in my shoes doesnt mean its all good

jsut because i look happy and express myself doesn't mean that's always how i feel.

just becase i am smiling doesn't mean i dont have things in my family that's ruining me everyday.

so dont even talk "bad" w me

9:43pm

B

I am sorry I offended you. was just trying to cheer you up

9:43pm

A

sigh.

9:44pm

B

Jenny do you have a person to vent it all out too ?

9:44pm

A

no i feel like yeah people's life is bad and all, but then you just have to complain about it without thinking about the bright side of your family you know. yeah i know your family is messed up and yeah it may cause you a bad day, but ultimately, the reason why their bad at you, the reason why they lecture you is because at this time, they still care, they still can care, they are still willing to care.

9:45pm

A

so regardless of the things they do you know, think of all the things they did that you were grateful for and think of the people in africa that doesn't have those privileged, or even jsut the orphanage.

9:46pm

B

wow Jenny ! I do think about all of this ....

I guess i should not be venting to you ... then ... my bad ...

are you mad at me ?

dont get me wrong I know my family love me ... but venting is the best solution to let go of your anger isn't it or sadness ?

---------------

It's just you know, sometimes when you're hearing others frustrating  and being mad at something you never had gets you angry at times. Not because you're really jealous, just how they have it yet they don't appreciate it the way you would have if you have them. But of course, it's not until we loose them that we actually open our eyes right?

la dauleur

Expectations ; la douleur

It's one of those sometimes that make you realize, throught influences you would expect so much more from a person. From driving all the way there to visit you to valentine chocolate anydays, but regardless, everyone compares their own relationship to another. It could be fictional, or it could be nonfiction. But whatever it is, it makes us wonder not just about the society, but ourselves as well. You can live on your life denying the fact that somebody else influenced you to become the way you are, but you know and cannot deny that somewhere deep within you, you have the desire to achieve forward, into what you think is a better and more valuable relationship where you're being rather than "whatever"ed, you're being treasured. 

There are few friends I see in the relationship that had this great guy in their lives who would just do anything for them. From waiting after every so often to the Kim Possible motto, "call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me". Sometimes I feel like my relationship doesn't achieve in such a great way in compare to those, sometimes I felt like it couldn't even compare to the last one I am in, and the last one I am in, we barely did anything. And maybe that's is the problem itself. Because the last relationship lasted shorter and infact we didn't even get to know each other well to a point to get into an argument. The only thing I remember from tearing are the facts that he sometimes doesn't understand me, but then that's all that there is. And to be honest, I loved him too much. 

From experiences, "too much expectations, too much pain". So pretty much expectation is a part of pain. You expect too much, and then they don't meet up to your expectation, BAM, a scar right in the center of your heart. 

I sometimes tend to wonder about how life is without a boyfriend, or actually being single to date, yes it may sound like the stupidest thing to think about, but to the ones who are in troubled relationship, it's the best thing to think about as of now. We all been through a lot in our lives, but one thing that no matter how much we been through we don't learn from is comparing other people's lives to yours. I mean even from the beginning, comparing lives of others to yours isn't even comparable in the first place. Other people is other people, and you are you. There's always pro and cons to life. Sometimes don't you ever think, "oh thank god that wasn't me." Or like, "thank god that's not my parents." Or even, "thank god I don't live in the same situation." Because the truth is, you know your life is better, at point to point if you're to compare with everyone. There's gotta be fruits one some part of the tree that are sweet. You just need to stop and look around.  

-damn-

Like I have to fit into his schedule. And having to have him fit into my schedule seem like the most difficult thing ever. When I have family stuff I'd rather get yelled at than to skip because I said I would do something and what? He bails anytime he wants because his parents want him to stay? Wow. What a hecking boyfriend! That back stabber, that one that scars my heart multiple times. Always put me on the hit list of enemy, like wow fuck. Geezus.
So why am I always getting placed last in this whole relationship issues?
He accuse me of being selfish once again, and this time I actually cried silently. No anger, no tears was shed, and all he have to say is, "even if you don't tell me I know that you're still mad because things don't go in your way" what the fuck? The first thing he think of wasn't "aw I know you're sad too," but much rather, yeah you selfish ass, I am the only non selfish ass over here.
Well gee Romeo. I didn't know that I was that bad of a villain. Like shit. I change to what you want and you treat me like crap. Well I hope you regret it for treating me like crap. I don't even know why I back down for you. Shit.

Colorless Worlds

      It's really been a while since I have written an blog huh? College life seems to be catching up to my social life, or maybe the other way around, and blogging is just another thing that's on the back of my head. A lot of things happened throughout all these times; even though I didn't post a blog, it doesn't mean my life goes happily ever after. Sadly, it may be the other way around.
      I dont know where the bad day should start, or even how. Maybe we should start from before Knotts'. Knotts was suppose to be a trip that we all planned to go, and sadly, with everyone's complication, it just made it hard. It first started out with Friend A's break up with her "boyfriend" which leaves her boyfriend unable to go. Then after, Friend B had an super early curfew of 6, which thus leaving the fun out of the amusement park, since come on, who wants to leave that early if they were to pay $40 something to go to a place. Friend C then bailed out because she appearntly decided to make plans after everything's planned out. And ultimately Friend D calls in sick at the day of the trip. Ultimately leaving me having to cancel all of the activities that day.
      Prior to that day, my college buddies and I hung around this girls' house till 2 playing monopoly deal. Haha we are such geeks. BBQ at her house celebrating Cesar Chaves' day even though we don't even know who that person is. Suprisingly, my mom was still awake at 2 am and caught me home late, and was mad as ever, I mean what can an Asian family's daughter be doing at 2 am with her college friends? Answers normally can be simple and just be reponded with few words, but how are you suppose to say, mom we play monopoly deals the whole night till we are tired of it and went home. Like who in the world is going to buy that?
      By now, you may be bored or tired of this article already, yet kind of felt obligated to read the rest since you have came so far. Well, I am telling you, its not worth your time...so with that in mind, if you have something better to do at this time, feel free to do so.
      Well as I move on back to the point of my story, I was willing to risk my groundingness to hang with my friends at amusement park than to make excuses and cancel, which appearnatly none of my other friends can do. Jenny then was a bit upset, so we planned a hangout at the mall a little after the morning cancellation, but little do I know our wifi router broke down, leaving me connectionless since everything from home phone to computer is "internet-needed". I dont have a cell phone, parents are not home, how in the world am i suppose to contact anyone like that? Appearantly right after Jenny and I planned, Danny and I got in a fight because I inserted Jenny's hangout as a priority, which was then cancelled, and thus pissing me off more. Leaving me with nothingness, I ended up going home after staying in my car for three hour, roaming in my seat aimlessly.
      I began to view the world differently. I begun to see it a little gray, a little black and white. What happened to all the colors, I would ask myself. What happened to all those times where I held my beliefs.

Gone.
Gone.
All gone.

Maybe that's what long term trust gets you,
fucking no where.

The apology before storm

"Sweetie I am berry berry sorry for not texting you to tell you that I am berry berry much "

"Here I am sitting in the car rewriting a apology, feeling like just got yelled by my English teacher. I am berry berry sorry for no texting you. Next time I will text you if you can't wake up in the morning. I am also sorry for being a bad alarm clock, I'll do better next time. I love you, MUAH MUAH "

There's always the calm, the calm before the storm. The calm before anything would arrive. It's the calmness that causes the hecticness to appear in unnecessary places. It's the calm before the storm.

dating ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

       I really don't know if I should be happy or sad. I mean to be honest. Today had its balance, but also confusion, argument, anger, depression, jealousy and many other more things. To be honest, today was the true balancing day of my life. I hit the low and I hit the high.
       Today started off okay with parents gone and everything, then follow by lunch with brother and brother in law's family. Thing seems all great until going to the autoshop. Parents refuse to pay $101 dollar to fix my bottom plastic bumper thingy that kinda half came off because I hit a dip too hard. I grew attitude, though it's embarrasing probably to them, but they still ignored it. Adrian, a latino who came from Mexico two years or so ago was chatting with me before I got depress and we kinda made a friendship bond. And with that, he helped taped my front thingy with my tape that I brought. So here I am giving Adrian a SPECIAL SHOUT OUT!! THANKS ADRIAN FOR MAKING MY MORNING AND AFTERNOON!!
      On the way back, my mom begun to nag about my attitude towards things. How I am not grateful for the things I have, and how much worst my siblings had it, and how wasteful I am with money. I grew angrier and angrier. I told her, "How in the world am I the one who is wasteful? I practically spend money on anything, and I never ask you guys for anything. I don't ask you guys for cell phone, I don't ask you guys for eletronics, I dont ask you guys for toys or games. I don't even complain about what all my friends have that I dont have. Even what all my nieces and nephews have that I dont have. I don't see why you're being like this."
      And with that in mind, as we came home, I was already face covered with tears and anger. I waited for everyone to get out of the car and locked the door and grabbed the trashcan up while nagging at my mom's arguement. My dad on the other hand tried to be the peace maker by telling me, "That's not what your mom meant, she just meant since you're a new driver and doesnt know the basics we want you to learn and become stable in dirving first, and when you can drive the car safely I'll buy you and brand new car okay?" That actually soothed a lot of my anger away but I was still offended.
      That evening under request I went and crashed guy A and my best friend(B)'s date because I was really depress and didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go home to the place where no warmth existed, no care and no family.B agreed, and I got to say, that was the best decision she ever made. As we hung out, meet point started at B's house, then we met with the guys (A and his friend C) at fluff ice and went on from there. As we finally decided on a restruant, we went only to realize that they didn't go in to save seats for us.
      The main point came when by the end of the dinner, A paid for C's meal meanwhile he didnt even think about paying for his date's meal, which was B. B and I literally dropped our jaws in surprise, and just stared at him. Because B and I shared a meal, escencially it is cheaper than C's and yet he didn't think to treat her meal.
      B decided to head to a boba place or tea house after to hang out, and while driving there all complaining about how he'd rather treat a friend than a date. And sadly, I had to stand on her side for that. I told B, that she got to be straight forward and tell him how she feels so then he would change for him, because truthfully, that's the same or simliar issue happening between me and current, present. And truth is, I want them to realize a bit earlier so they would get use to it unlike me.
      At the end of the whole hangout, I was proud of A as he treated and paid for all of us including me! I was happy, haha but the most importantly, it widened B's eyes. She thought that he would've never changed, and what do you know? He changed! As we headed back to the parking lot, due to my forcement, they begun to hold hands...well, its a start, just hooking hands I guess counts too, since to them holding hands are too awkward. But then as he walks us to our car, I insisted a hug before A heads off, I told B forcefully, "If you two don't hug, I am not going home." So, they hugged, behind a pole to hide, but it was so cute!
     I myself got a little jealous, I mean all the courage these two had with each other, I would never have with anyone. I am so jealous of their kind of honest relationship, and jealous of the fact that A changed so much in a day for her. Sigh. Past, current, present, I am confused.

and now out of no where its pouring. sighs. oh raining 11:56pm

It was now I realized, I have techincally never really dated anyone before starting of an relationship, it just someone starts around the time of dating. Sighs.

Dark-Side ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя ·

      Lies, one by one will catch up in time. Sooner or later you will realize the things that had happen, the things that you have told others, the lies, though may cover that current moment, but it wouldn't be able to cover things forever. Like crimials, thinking that they may be able to hide forever, but there's not a forever in things. Sometimes if destiny doesnt catch up to you in time, death would. Simple enough.
      I have been lying a lot. To many, I may be this one young innocent child who just turned 18, but inside lies many deep dark secrets, lies that I would never risk my life to reveal and lose everything. I know lying in the first place have its consequence. It's either them finding out and you risking to lose things, or you gamble with chance and hope for the best. And that's what I actually do best.
      Many thinks they know me, they know how I work and all, but what they dont know is my evil side, my dark side. I seem like a happy and sunshine person, but inside fill with desire and desperateness for things that I am not able to retrieve. And sometimes that dark side tends to take over me and try to gain what it wants. I can't simply just say I lost control of my good side, because truth is, human is neutral, they have both good and bad sides, but its what they want to pick, and it's obvious for me I'd rather be picking the evil at times even though I knew there would be consequences. Isn't that strange? We knew there would be consequences but the desire is so strong that you would go for it anyways.
      I didn't know about my dark side for a long time. In fact, I didnt know that I had one until recently. It wasn't till present current and I got into a big fight and near break up to make me realize that over time, how much of the evil have taken over me. I was beginning to fear my other side thats starting to mix with my good side. But there have to be an invitation to begin with for that to be able to occur. My evil side obviously didn't wake itself up, but something obviously triggered it. That's the same for everyone. You aren't born with pure evilness, your born neutral in a sense, and the decision to stay that way or not its all up to you and the environment that you live in.
      Where am I now? Am I ready to get to know myself better? Or am I better off just living with the fact of knowing about my little evil side? I question myself sometimes, why would I choose the decision I chosen, but then the answer still remains unclear. It's really funny how things turn out in life.
      Like 01.19.2013.

Parallel Universe. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

 "Don't act like your single if you want to be in a relationship"

      I find that truthfully true, because to be honest, who will want their opposite date to be someone who flirts with other girls? If my boyfriend were to flirt to a certain extend, then I truely dont think he should date.
      There's a limit to things, to all things, and sometimes we tend to drag it a little further each time when we know that we wouldn't get in trouble. But its from those times where we decide to take one step more beyond limit that we end up in heartbreak. Today morning when my boyfriend acting like a morning alarm, waking up early, wearing boxer to the kitchen to call me giving me a wake up call without waking up his roommates in the cold, instead of getting a thanks for doing this or any appreciation at all we ended up getting into fights because he wouldnt stay up  later on in the day to text me. I understand I really am asking for more and more as the relationship progresses, but to be honest, isnt this what all relationship is about? You tend to go further and further to a certain extend where they can't take it anymore and boom! break up.
      In dramas, everything felt so unrealistic. A guy accepting for who you really are regardless of your attitude in life and towards him and the others. A guy not complaining but trying to protect you in every single way possible, a guy who knows you by heart, someone you dont need to talk to and already understand you. How far is current present away from that guy? Sometimes i sigh because i know if I were to compare him with my ex, its somewhat impossible to compare. Sometimes I wonder in the parallel universe was I happier?
      I could always imagine myself in the parallel universe happy, parents free, action free, and not worrying about money or anything. Infact I was living with my sister in West Los Angeles, going to Santa Monica City College, and living the life, not worrying about hunger, not worrying about nagging parents, not worrying about who will do the laundry, damn life is good. Having companies and people who respect you and listen to you. And of course, a boyfriend who can drive all the way over here to see me, a boyfriend who have a car, a job, and loves you a lot and you love him a lot. All those were possible, yet i threw them all away, do I regret it? I never really did but then now, when being questioned by current present recently as well as the arguement, the more I see it the more I began to realize maybe he is right. Maybe current present is right, "maybe we were not meant to be."
      What do I do now? I wish for an answer upon the wishing star, but on this starless night, where could I find that shine?

Destined.

I give up the man I want. The man I love. The love of my life. For what? For this romance trouble. I mean do I even love him? I am pretty sure perhaps, but honestly, past was the true soulmate. Someone that i was sure destined to be with. The one that I didn't bring up enough courage to fight for. To stand by. Maybe he was lucky to lose me, I mean after all i probably only bring him and current present pain. Look at me, who would want me? Okay, a couple guys would, but that's not the point. Never was.
I always thought being with past would be the happiest thing in my life until realizing that I cannot gather up courage to be up to his face about things. Being with him makes my heart race each time, and eventually leads to me holding back. Shyness more like it. And that is exactly what caused me to not be able to speak from my heart in the heart to heart talk with present current. It may sound stupid but sometimes I wonder if I was ever meat to be with present current. Or maybe were just like he said, "not destined to be". Well, like the song, time will tell...

Brickwalls.

Behind each and every wall is a story. It may be a story of sadness or a story of happiness. But at this time, all these ever was is the story of sadness. Pure sadness.

      I always thought, your soul-mate  the person who you are bound to be with will understand you and match you in all sorts of ways, but then maybe I am wrong. After all, present, current, he isn't my soul-mate  Then again, we go back to the question, why did I leave my past behind if he was my soul-mate  Why did I think that he didn't fit for me? Why do I look down on him and all? The answers may be all buried in within my heart, probably even I will never figure out what's me thinking deep down in there. 

      Thinking that I was able to stop a fight by tears, the weakness of present, current. I was wrong. Things were getting back on track until he started saying how I embarrass him in front of my friends. I mean come on, what is there to be ashamed of. I responded jokingly like oh you lost your dignity long time ago, and with a serious reply, he tells me that, "It's not dignity, its pride." Same god damn thing. Its something you cared about what other people think of you with. I mean if you were to have so much pride in the first place you wouldn't be worrying now would you? No! 

      Current is a huge hypocrite, thinking that things should be all these and that, but when actually he doesn't even do it himself at times. He expect me to always be on his side and take it. Always and never talk behind his back or even say bad things about him. Like come on, that's what close friends do, but in this case, I have more than one close friends. Sigh, I really wonder where he stands now. I told him the truth  oh you never always stand for me, you don't always stand for me and you expect me to stand for you? Isn't that a bit ridiculous? Then  he tells me how offended he was when I call him a fob, and to be honest I think everyone knows this, and in fact none of them minded yet he did. Sometimes I just wanna slap myself to see if this is even actually real? I call him hyper sensitive because to be honest, if you're close with someone and tease them on their weakness, to be honest, you are sensitive, and that's totally fine. But not knowing or not coming to the conclusion of accepting it is unacceptable. 

      Maybe he will never realize this, maybe he have a lot of things to back up against me. Sometimes I just wish I am good at arguing with people like him and I can speak a piece of my mind without current disagreeing with me. 

Until next time.