The rainy night

On this rainy night, all I can think about is the other side. Many have others to care for. Like for say, "it's raining tonight, so it will be colder, please take care of yourself." 

At first, I thought, "oh, maybe I can say it to my 'present'" (for those who don't know, present is another why I address my current boyfriend, because naming is too unnecessary for situations like this) Only to realize that I have no one to say it to. Present and I haven't spoken for a while; I am tired of his attitude, his ungratefulness, his self blame, and all the other things. Sometimes it seems as if we were merely compatible while other times it seems like we are the happiest couple there is on the street. The relationship I have with him is just so complicated. He doesn't see the things I see, and when I try to tell him the things I see, he just thinks I'm being immature and don't see the whole picture when in fact I am the one seeing everything from head to toe. It's just fustrating to see that, to see the things he doesn't see. And when I tell him, go ask other people and they would agree with me, he would be like, "am I other people? They are them and I am me. You can't compare the two of us." And that just fustrated me even more, sometimes to the point of breakage. He claims that I will never find a guy who would do all the things he does for me, which I know is not true, because I knew Past would've done anything in his power to get me what I want back then, and even now. 

Silly me, thinking that everything would've worked out, thinking that we had a chance, taking my happiness with me to the grave. I don't know what to do anymore. And this isn't even my first time hitting this problem. Our relationship have definitely hit downhill for a while, I guess I am just too stubborn in routine to see this. What should I do ? Anyone 

Anticipation.

Anticipation. What I use to have before being with present. What I had always liked and get excited over. How would every thing be like if we weren't over? How would everything turn out if we were t over? I really did love him. I really did miss him.
I had a dream a while back. Not a ordinary dream, but then a dream about past. A dream about seeing past while camping in Yosemite by the beach. Around the restroom, where I came out from (and trust me that restroom wasn't all that pretty either, besides the bike that was there w a jacket or helmet in which I cannot remember). It suddenly turned into a line w people lining up and be was there. His hands were wrapped in a scarf. Well one hand. And his other? Holding his other hand. As I passed by we saw each other. At first I avoided his eye contact. Then I looked back, and accepted the truth of his existence. Not just in life but in everything else. Afterwards, I had a bucket in my hand. And I guess I was suppose to fill it up for my nephew. But it was really heavy. And behind me was past and a random guy. Probably a friend of his. As I filled the water I asked, "aren't you guys gonna help?" And slowly they came up, the water was taking forever to fill too! When finally full past attempted to help but before anything I lifted the bucket myself and spill some water but then to prevent more spills I dropped water around the cemented ground and then went to my nephews as the two guys followed. The dream ended w me pouring the bucket of water on the area of sand that my nephew was digging hole on. It was an happy dream. A dream that I never thought of dreaming about. But then again, maybe I have but then I just simply don't recall it.

The dream follow that after falling asleep again was about visiting Taiwan. Grandmas house of course. But not all goes well ends well you know. Sometimes it's just that simple. My second aunt died and that house was sold. Sighs. I really wish I could go back and visit everyone before they leave one by one :(

Destined.

I give up the man I want. The man I love. The love of my life. For what? For this romance trouble. I mean do I even love him? I am pretty sure perhaps, but honestly, past was the true soulmate. Someone that i was sure destined to be with. The one that I didn't bring up enough courage to fight for. To stand by. Maybe he was lucky to lose me, I mean after all i probably only bring him and current present pain. Look at me, who would want me? Okay, a couple guys would, but that's not the point. Never was.
I always thought being with past would be the happiest thing in my life until realizing that I cannot gather up courage to be up to his face about things. Being with him makes my heart race each time, and eventually leads to me holding back. Shyness more like it. And that is exactly what caused me to not be able to speak from my heart in the heart to heart talk with present current. It may sound stupid but sometimes I wonder if I was ever meat to be with present current. Or maybe were just like he said, "not destined to be". Well, like the song, time will tell...