Paralleled Universe

This may sound very initially stupid but sometimes I am really jealous of my siblings. Their status, their living environment, and so on. It’s like everything is within each other. They got each other right where they want them, friends are all well known through out. I, as a bastard child, doesn’t get much of the benefits. Yes I am young and more spoiled in such a way  compare to the rest of them, but then I rather have each other than to have myself. I would really rather go to arcadia high and meet all these kinds of people who are Taiwanese and social that are bilingual rather than making friends I rarely talk to and doesn’t really go out often. It’s stupid sometimes to admit things like this, but then when I am with them, I feel like things tend to change up, yeah I may seem like I got everything. Caring parents, well in compare to their situation, and just a home I guess. Don’t really have to do chores and such, but then sometimes I wonder, how would life be if I was to be still in Taiwan. I bet life would differ. I would tend to think of the paralleled universe. What if there’s another me, in the same time frame, but she’d be choosing another decision, and whether it’s right or wrong, her life is probably way different from mine. There may be some that is alone, some that’s still with my ex-boyfriend, some partying and having a good time, and just others who are smarter or dumber and perhaps within all those paralleled universe there would be one that have my mom in it. The one where her cancer is cured, or her cancer was discovered earlier and was treated before too late. The one where I’d still be living with her, although I may not have met anyone here, I would’ve been with one of my earliest crush which is now MIA because all I know is his name, and a little bit of his look. Who knew. Sometimes I wish I can go back to the past, and be myself, and choose again and see where I’d end up.  Just sometimes you know.

Forever gone ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

     Losing past. Choosing to lose past, here I thought I made the right choice, but maybe I am wrong. I mean, was I ever happy? Ever in love with current present? I am not even sure myself. I doubt myself at time, trying to convince myself, this is what I want. Present, current, not past. But of course that was just convincing. I don't understand love anymore, why can't it be simple? But then again, complication is what makes up life now isn't it?
      Like what I do every often, I tend to check upon his facebook, knowing that we were no longer friends on facebook, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see his everything, at least I have some little things I can still see. We weren't friends, but then we weren't complete stranger either. Then it was yesterday before I fell asleep that I realize something. Past have blocked me out of his life once again on facebook. I could no longer view his things. Similar things have happened before, its so weird and strange. First it was me blocking him, both of his account, because he kept stalking me, trying to message me nonstop, adding me, etc, then I unblocked him after a time period because he gave up on me, and I of course, wanted him back. Strange isn't it? Psychotic i would prefer. Then of course he added me, later on around april fools when we started talking again. Then when I begin to ignore him after graduation, or maybe a little before? He unfriended me, probably because he knew what I was doing. But then around my birthday, actually on my birthday, he greeted me a happy birthday. And that was it, a day later, I thought of it so much, that I actually replied, breaking my own rules about not talking to him ever. Then a month back or so? Or two weeks ago, when eating at a cafe, meeting him by either fate or coincidence, I avoided him, not because it was embarrsing, but because I still loved him, my heart still pounded for him, still raced for him. I still blushed for him, but of course I didnt express any of those out beside the blushing because there's nothing I could do about it. And I guess eventually sometime around these weeks he blocked me. Why I wonder. Why.
      If he is over me, shouldn't he not block me, but instead, pretend I was someone else? If he didn't cared anymore or loved me, why would he block me if I am no threat to him? Because of that I started wondering the whole night. What was he thinking?
      Sometimes, just sometimes I wish things were to be back normal. Back in those middle school days where things were easier. When current, present isnt here, and past is still chasing after me. And our connection and bond was so strong that no matter where, we attract each other. I missed that. I missed you past. I really did. And in fact, still kinda do at times. Thinking of losing you wouldnt, and shouldnt be this painful. I was wrong. Way wrong. And I am sorry. It's just too bad that you wouldnt see this ever. Or else, maybe we would have had another chance.

Destined.

I give up the man I want. The man I love. The love of my life. For what? For this romance trouble. I mean do I even love him? I am pretty sure perhaps, but honestly, past was the true soulmate. Someone that i was sure destined to be with. The one that I didn't bring up enough courage to fight for. To stand by. Maybe he was lucky to lose me, I mean after all i probably only bring him and current present pain. Look at me, who would want me? Okay, a couple guys would, but that's not the point. Never was.
I always thought being with past would be the happiest thing in my life until realizing that I cannot gather up courage to be up to his face about things. Being with him makes my heart race each time, and eventually leads to me holding back. Shyness more like it. And that is exactly what caused me to not be able to speak from my heart in the heart to heart talk with present current. It may sound stupid but sometimes I wonder if I was ever meat to be with present current. Or maybe were just like he said, "not destined to be". Well, like the song, time will tell...