Happy new year, happy 2015. A lot of things happened, the
good, the bad, and just plenty of drama. Honestly, the year barely started and
there are already more drama than there was compare to last year. My present
broken up with me once again because he says he wasn’t ready for the
relationship. He says that he only cares for me but not love me the way I do
and it is unfair to me. That it would be better off if I go find someone else
rather than him, I will get treated better and I deserve better. I understand
where he is coming at. I know there may be guys that will treat me better, that
will probably love me better, and taken care of me better than him ever will,
but honestly he is the only one I can see long term. He is patient to me,
understanding, and accepts my terrible attitude problems when a lot of the
others would turn away or ignore me. He calms me down and tries his best to be
there for me, and it was because of me, that caused his past few semester to
fail terribly. He had me on his priorities that he didn’t do much else besides
seeing me, and that caused an effect that both me and him had to pay. For me, I
will be seeing him less because he have to focus on prioritizing his things,
and next semester he will be attending to another community college because he
failed math three times here, or in this case, withdraw twices and “D”ed once.
To be fair, I was only the cause of his two Ws, nothing to do with the “D”,
however I was in his math class when he “D” the class. It is weird how I was
presence in all of the math failures he had, but because of that he can’t take
it at the current community college anymore (well that particular math class
anyways).
There were multiple times where I thought about it and i
regretted dragging him out and hanging out with him late every day, knowing
that he have class the following day. Our relationship was never that healthy
to begin with. We had sex nearly every day of the week in the summer, and were
inseperateable. The funniest thing to that, well it really isn’t that funny,
but I guess you can say the most confusing part of that relationship was we
were not together yet. We actually barely started in the summer, and we did it
nonstop. At that point, I was confused to what we were, whether he sees us as
dating, sees us as a friend for benefit thing or the no string attach thing?
Because I was confused down to the last tissue in my body. I didn’t understand
what we were doing because all the things happened too fast.
It started when one day he took me out to the mountain to
look at views when we were sight seeing because I was stressed. It was
beautiful, but we didn’t stay there and view it for long, it was a long quiet
period I can recall, but slowly we kissed and from there things escalated
quickly. All those times where he’d drive up there into the middle of no where
and we’d embrace each other was the nicest times although confusing.
The most embarrassing part to the story I guess was the fact
that my ex boyfriend, the only one I had sex with before my present, was Asian,
and the stereotypes were right about Asian men with small penises. Because he
had a small penis, small and thin, like a stick, and even that hurted when we
had sex, imagine how its going to be like with my present, who is not Asian.
I think this is the only time I am going to talk about my
sex life, I hate to say this, but I don’t think my ex ever popped my cherry
because his penis was too small. Because after the first time with my present, I
was bleeding, and he and I never understood why I bled that day, but now
putting that logic to it, I meant that would make so much sense.
The truth is, I never liked intercourse until I met him, I guess
that day I forced myself to have it, it hurted a lot more than it did with my
ex, obviously, but I took it in. And slowly (it still hurts the following few
times), gradually, it stopped hurting as much, and now it doesn’t. I guess I am
not an exception and there was nothing wrong with my vagina like my ex kept
claiming, and I do like sex, I guess its just not something you can force onto
someone or pressure someone to like.
He have tried to get me to like it for too much of a time
that I guess it builded onto my mind set that I should do it just because it
should be done. I never thought of it as a enjoyment, I mean maybe because of
porn, it gives this false image of how sex is suppose to be like or how a
relationship sex should be like when honestly, it shouldn’t be anything like
that.
A couple who have sex is supposed to be at the time when
both of them are comfortable in advancing, and ready to advance and their
speed. Sometimes one can be slower, and that’s okay, that’s why the other wait,
because good thing comes to those who wait. (its ironic how I am the one who
says it when I have the least patience, but its true, and I have experienced
that myself throughout 2014) For those who actually reads this blog, which
probably is close to 0, but for those who do, believe me and all those things I
say, because I speak from experience. If one forces you to do things you’re not
comfortable doing, then the truth is, they don’t love you and you probably most
likely deserve someone better.
Looking back 2014 was truly a unique year where I experienced
a lot of things I never knew I’d experience. And I am grateful I experienced
them. Now that we are moving on to 2015, I hope things are gonna become better,
less sad stories happening and hopefully no more broken heart (present, stop
breaking up with me when you’re at your lowest point in life!)
AND LET 2015 START FROM TODAY, FORGET THE PAST WEEKS, BECAUSE THOSE DEPRESSING THINGS DON'T COUNT AND WAS NEVER PART OF MY LIFE!
