Profile Pictures, just another part of repression surfacing

Thinking that today would be one of those days in which where things would just be relaxing, after all it is Friday anyways. That was all until the facebook notification showed up with my past’s profile picture, with another girl. I froze and struggled, after all I did like him for a longer period of time than any of others, and he is the only one I have serious feelings for, the one I seriously loved. The first person I learned to love, although the wrong way to express those feelings but the one who my true heart lay on/upon.

In the end, I decided to like it, I mean I only gave it a one minute thought, but then I thought that was probably enough given the fact that I guess to grand him the happiness he deserve, to show that he does deserve happiness, someone else who is not me, someone else who would do a better job at taking care of him then me. I really hate the fact that he takes up that much of the space in my heart. I hate the fact that he gave up on me. I know I told myself that this is okay, this is his moment, however I just can’t get over the fact that he is actually moving on.
She is beautiful, and most important of all, he likes her, and she will probably 99.9% treat him better than I ever would. And for sure not break his feelings while at it. And I owe him to that. I guess I just have to wish him happiness at this point and like his profile picture. Like I said before, I owed him that.

I am the type of person who sinks all types of feelings deep within in me because that is just the way I am. And normally, people wouldn’t know, after all in this society, most people are there only about themselves, and I hate that about the society. There aren’t that much listeners out there, plus I think due to the nurture environment I lived in, it caused me to repress all my feelings and thoughts inside, and I hate it. I rather get away and repress my ugly thoughts than to face them, or just simply the thoughts that are too overwhelming, and the worst part is because of that it hurts a lot more when I click the unpause button to my repressed thoughts and finally face them. Because the whole still turns while I hide some moments of me, so when I take out those feelings that I repress, it gets hard to play catch up.

Throwback them feels

I am listening to "想你的夜 - Miss You Nights (Jason Chen Cover)" from soundcloud, something I just recently got into. But then just from listening to the song, it brings out so much emotion from the inside. The past, the recent past, and the current, its been such a mix that even now I still don't know for certain what I am doing.

伤感好声音-Deejay Kenny

I am just going to be dropping off songs here and there for listening and emotions at that moment purposes. As many may figure now that I am asian and yes I do speak and understand Mandarin, but that is as much as I will go for now.

To be honest, I lived my life thinking about the stupidiest things, worry about the things I really don't need to worry and not worry about things I don't worry about. Thinking past, sometimes I really just want to close my eyes and escape from this world. From all my past experiences in relationship, I never really had a successful one that I looked back at and said, "wow, that was once an amazing relationship." I dropped the first relationship that meant the world to me and took me nearly a decade to get, and went for a loveless relationship. Of course that didn't turn out well as all, I mean if you are only in it for the benefit of the relationship  just exactly how much can you get out of that relationship?

記得

When I first started my first relationship, it was with my first true love in the United States. I loved him for the longest time. I loved him like no one else. The degree of love I had for him was beyond compare, but of course, I was too shy, and I guess I couldn't handle my emotions, I loved him to a point where I was afraid to get into a relationship with up, but of course you wouldn't want to lose him either. So I was stuck in this midpoint in which I am chasing him while making sure he doesn't notice I am chasing him and let him chases me.

彩虹 - A木B

It's really stupid to think about it, I waited 5, 6 years for this relationship. I kept myself away from him, acting upon my brainless brain rather than acting upon my heart. I remembered how happy I was when it first all started.

Parallel Universe. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

 "Don't act like your single if you want to be in a relationship"

      I find that truthfully true, because to be honest, who will want their opposite date to be someone who flirts with other girls? If my boyfriend were to flirt to a certain extend, then I truely dont think he should date.
      There's a limit to things, to all things, and sometimes we tend to drag it a little further each time when we know that we wouldn't get in trouble. But its from those times where we decide to take one step more beyond limit that we end up in heartbreak. Today morning when my boyfriend acting like a morning alarm, waking up early, wearing boxer to the kitchen to call me giving me a wake up call without waking up his roommates in the cold, instead of getting a thanks for doing this or any appreciation at all we ended up getting into fights because he wouldnt stay up  later on in the day to text me. I understand I really am asking for more and more as the relationship progresses, but to be honest, isnt this what all relationship is about? You tend to go further and further to a certain extend where they can't take it anymore and boom! break up.
      In dramas, everything felt so unrealistic. A guy accepting for who you really are regardless of your attitude in life and towards him and the others. A guy not complaining but trying to protect you in every single way possible, a guy who knows you by heart, someone you dont need to talk to and already understand you. How far is current present away from that guy? Sometimes i sigh because i know if I were to compare him with my ex, its somewhat impossible to compare. Sometimes I wonder in the parallel universe was I happier?
      I could always imagine myself in the parallel universe happy, parents free, action free, and not worrying about money or anything. Infact I was living with my sister in West Los Angeles, going to Santa Monica City College, and living the life, not worrying about hunger, not worrying about nagging parents, not worrying about who will do the laundry, damn life is good. Having companies and people who respect you and listen to you. And of course, a boyfriend who can drive all the way over here to see me, a boyfriend who have a car, a job, and loves you a lot and you love him a lot. All those were possible, yet i threw them all away, do I regret it? I never really did but then now, when being questioned by current present recently as well as the arguement, the more I see it the more I began to realize maybe he is right. Maybe current present is right, "maybe we were not meant to be."
      What do I do now? I wish for an answer upon the wishing star, but on this starless night, where could I find that shine?

true friendship; short.

      Today's lesson is, no matter how depress it is, no matter how much fight you get into, friends are always there for you. Well, true friends actually. And by far, the only set of true friends I have by far obtain is these two, who are truely true friends of mine. Who when I need them the most, always there for me. And for sure, I am thankful for them. Thank you lord or whoever is above for giving me this chance to be with them, to enjoy moments of smile.
      I always question friendship at times because all it seems like is when you need them, they are there, and when you dont need them, their nothing to you. But those two, they are always there, sometimes one is more than another, but truthfully speaking, no matter how much fight you get into with them, you know in the end all you desire is getting back on being friends with them! because that's just exactly how much they mean to you! (:

No pain, no gain. Well too much happiness so no need to blog today! :D until next time!

Losing myself. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      The pain, here I am again, wanting to have a blade cut through my veins. Maybe that will stop me from leaking the pain slowly. The heart stabbing is slowly killing me. I wonder, why couldn't anyone understand me? Is it because I am not worth the time to be understood? Or what was it?
      My current have finally offically hang up and ignored my calls. I guess he is tired of me, but this time what did I do wrong? This time he asked for whether I'll be around on christmas or not, because he can only go with one or the other. Well, very well, but due to the arguement and the sudden call my sister have to dial. He doesnt understand how much her words hurted me mentally. No one knew how fragile my mentality is, but of course they wouldn't, because no one really cared about my mentality. I can be totally mentally unstable and all current wants is me stop crying, and to my family, ha like they fucking cared in the first place.
      Why couldn't I spared with a bit more understanding? Why is this world so unfair? Perfect boyfriend? Boyfriend I want? i think by dating current, I am beginning to know what I want for an boyfriend. But the more I realize what I want, the more I realize I wouldnt be able to get it from him.
      I want a guy who when a girl cry, doesnt just hug them and pat, but try to hear things out. Doesnt just force tears to stop by threatening or kissing, but by being patient and understanding and talk it through. I want a boyfriend when I get mad or sad over a parental issue, doesnt just go, "What am I suppose to do?" or "Just cope with it, because as of now there's nothing I can do." etc, but instead trying to say positive things and comforts. But then of course, I want more that are simliar to these, but then of course, those are not going to be true now are they?

      But then what if they are all right, my family, parents, siblings and boyfriend? What if I am inconsiderate, selfish, one minded, taking everything for granted, and unthankful for everything around me? What if i am just another hypocrite that doesnt understand myself as good as I thought I had manage to understand myself? What if I am mentally illed?

      I dont know anymore. Living under this family really sometimes get to me. The pain, the confusion, losing myself in the process. What is happiness?

random thoughts.

      Watching Gossip Girl late at night in this windy weather made me realize something...on the 5th season, 24th episode, around the 19th minute of the clip on cokesandpopcorn, it made me realize something. Blair, the girl who love both Dan and Chuck was now on the edge of having to make a last decision. Chuck, the love of her life, is finally tired of this game Blair have put up. Going on and off on him, and Dan, who was Blair's current love is also tired of this, and with Gossip Girl, the one who is pushing Blair onto the edge on the spot, Dan felt insecure because she posted a post from Blair's Diary how no matter what Dan is, Blair questions herself, about whether she will ever come to love Dan like how she loves Chuck.
      It all drove off to confusion, another triangle love that is. Watching this, it just reminds me of mine slightly. It reminded me of the love I had, those thoughts I thought of in my head yesterday as well. I chose present over past, because present love is secure, its safe, its calming, its everything a normal relationship should have, but then honestly, do I really crave for that deep down in my heart? I dont know anymore, nor am I sure of my decision. But I love him, I love him dearly, I dont know what to do anymore. I think I am beginning to be saying that a lot, to a point where I wonder, why do I even worry about this anymore? Why do I even care? la dauleur. la dauleur.

love complex. ;ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      All I ever wanted, was to see you smiling, all I ever wanted was you to be right beside me, all I ever wanted was you and me. Why cant you ever see that? You're so stupid. I always loved you and only you. No matter how many guys I try to have a crush on, when I see you, it's like a auto reset, all back to you again. No matter how hard I try, to forget you, to erase you from my past, it just seem impossible.
      I thought I erased you completely, this whole 6 month, being in a relationship with someone who I had a crush on, thinking that that will make whatever we had over. I thought I could do it, I thought that you and I was really over until that day, when I faced you once again. My heart, instantly recognized you from a far. It didnt take long for it to start racing from the top. My mind, already panicking and wanting to run away. I calmly reacting on the outside, acting a bit nervous, because what am I suppose to do? All the symptom of love is showing, something I cannot stop myself from. I am seriously hopelessly in love and denial. Why will I leave you in the first place? More ever, why did I leave you?
      I dont know anymore. Is it wrong to be feeling like this for your ex? And more ever, is it wrong to be comparing and missing your ex each time when your current present does something that to you, no boyfriend should do? I guess.
      Today when he went off, hanging up and decide to end the whole night's conversation just in 20 minutes, it made me felt uneasy. The insecurity kicked in. All those calls back then, he would never leave me within this short of a time. Even for gaming, I remember the first month, actually the first few month when we use to skype starting from 7, he would invite me into the chat that he had with Rudi when he's playing video game with him. Now, just a simple, hey Rudi fixed his game, I'll text you later. Not even a offer of wanting to stay there with Rudi and him. Well I guess guys have their gaming world, but honestly, I guess its really true that guys will treat you like you are all they got the first few month of the relationship and slowly back down.
      As the time progresses, I started to see the progressing of laying back kicking in. From early calls as early as 5, or 7 PM to now a 11:30 PM or 12 AM call. From a I'll walk to your house everyday at 9 and get there at 9:30 AM to a I might get to your house at 11 AM and then maybe fall asleep and end up not waking up until 1 PM, and say a sorry and pretend like nothing's happened.
      Relationship is a strange thing. The longer it last, the more greedy you came upon, and the more you would want. Before just a simple holding hand would do, and now, without harrasment it wouldnt do the day? Does all guy wish for this? I started out just wanting a simple love, where no harrasing is involved, and look what I am into now. From a thought of no sex until marriage to a relationship will only last if you have sex with me, and the maximum limit I am giving you is our anniversary date. Like honestly, its not that I am insecure, its just thats my way of thinking. How my mind is set to. No sex unless marriage. No matter what the hormones are telling me, I am gonna stick with my belief, and when you came in and hit me, it really got me confused. What should I do? I dont want to lose you, but nor will I want to lose my virginity this early. Sigh, I dont even know anymore.
      What is love? You tell me that you are doing this because you love me, you are doing this, wanting the sex because it will bring us closer. But honestly tell me which guy doesnt crave for sex. I am just a girl with naive thoughts being tainted more and more as the days go on. I am confused now. At times I really want to break up, break it, I cant handle sex, I really cant, but then I really do want to be with him. I do care for him and all. And I do put effort, but going through sex is really just too much for me. I really hoped he would've understood, but then maybe I am wrong, afterall he is still a guy.
      Can someone please tell me what to do?I am here, lost once again.

      There's a Christmas Party I been planning for a whole two month, wanting it to be perfect, or at least good, but relectant on whether or not I should invite my current. The thoughts battle each other each time behalf of his action, and now I am stuck. A few moments ago when I was still on the phone with him I really wanted to tell him, then when he chose gaming over me, I shrink back into my shell. Maybe I should just wait, and time will tell.



Until next time.

yisa yu 暖心 <- great depressing song if  you want something sad and sounds nice ^_^.

the breakage. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      Friends, their the best cure for lost love. When you are lost, when you dont know what to do anymore, the best thing for me is to forget about it, not think about it. Hang out with friends, chill with others, in hopes of that you would forget the ones you cared the most. Because sometimes you realize somethings are just better leaving it forgotten.
     This morning, after the passage of 12, the fight carried on, it led itself into our world. Our weak bond quickly shattered. I question myself, am I asking for too much? If he never lead me to expect these things then today, I wouldn't be here thinking of how unfair it is. I wouldn't be comparing the us before and the us now.
      Is it wrong to compare? It is wrong to be selfish? In relationship, there's always one side that is imbalanced, but sometimes trying to fix this imbalance causes things to go worst. Already been exactly half of a year since together and yet we fight like little kids, we fight like immature. Why do we fight? Deeply, I think its my fault for all these happenings. Its funny, because no matter how many times he sound like he's blaming me, sounding like its my fault, when i mention itsmy fault he would say its not. But then truely, we both know that isnt the case.
      Why is guys so hard to understand? You think women are strange species, what about yourselves men? He asked, am I tired of this relationship? Because he is. He is tired of trying to hard, and getting nothing back, he is tired of caring so much and get no thanks in return. He is tired of arguing with me countless times over things that shouldnt even be argued about.  Are we really meant for each other? He questioned this relationship many times, and now maybe i should as well.
      He gave me a total of 24 hours to consider this relationship, until I give a answer, he refused to talk to me. Even to wake me up. How stupid, ever since last weekend, ever since the meet with my ex. I am so tired now, I am confused, lost and tired. I want something more than this yet I can't even handle it. Such a stupid girl. He devoted so much of himself to me, yet I am doing this. Am I wrong? He told me to tell him what I expect from this relationship and what I will do to maintain this relationship.
      I am so lost. I am in so much pain now, can someone help me? I don't even know what I have been saying this past few hours...what do I do? Can someone please tell me?

      How far am I away from happiness?















 Alana Lee Hamilton Butterflies

super awesome big fun great ball

shinigami
ajax chat
kinokukun

eveɴтѕ - ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      Events tends to be tiring at times, but then it's the joy in the process of mkaing it happening that makes it enjoyable and fun to bare with. Many times I tend to ask myself, why am I putting so much effort into things that maybe we should all be working towards, and then i realize the answer, because the joy and the happiness you get from seeing their face tends to be priceless. Even a simple smile or thank you really tends to make up for those troublesome moments. You may not understand what I am saying but you know happiness isn't to keep to one self but to share it among with everyone else.
     Maybe that's what the Grinch's heart grew bigger and bigger as he saw the ray of happiness shining upon the city even though they were present-less. So did Grinch really stole Christmas? Or in a sense was he really the Santa that showed everyone what Christmas was all about? The one who united them all? Oh the irony.  
      Well as for now, here's the event as it goes on so far. The list is so ironically combined. I mean Ann and Jenny haha, that is like connect two of the same magnet, always repel against each other yet now their gifting each other gifts. Haha, hopefully through this it would make them closer together. And last secret Santa that we played during senior year Melissa's secret Santa was Jocelyn, and Melissa was my secret Santa. It's very funny how things turned out. Maybe that's life for you.
      I don't know about you guys, but my favorite part of the whole season is seeing everyone's happy and joyful face and Christmas shopping. Perhaps shopping is in all girl's genes, but then i don't know why, when i shop for someone else i tend to be happier than shopping for myself, maybe its the excitement you get when you think of their face when they receive the present and all. Or maybe the season is just a bit overly jolly that you tend to not be able to wipe away that smile. But for whatever it is, it sure makes the whole year worth the wait.

      The Secret Santa List:

Ann Yee - Jenny Lu

Jenny Lu - Ann Yee

Connie Lai - Jenny Chuang

Melissa Hua - Jocelyn Del Rio

Jenny Chuang - Melissa Hua

Jocelyn Del Rio - Connie Lai

      I am pretty sure i didnt write this in my last blog, but then my parents removed my doorknob..why you ask? Because my parents are multi-house owner or landlord i guess? And they rent out their houses, and in one of their houses they needed a doorknob, and our of the whole house, our of all the doorknobs they could have taken, they decide to take mine. And I am the one who uses my doorknob the most. Isnt this ironically? I mean yeah i would totally understand if i never use my doorknob and all, but no, none of my parents use their door knob yet i am the one who they take away from. Sigh. That's life for you. Well until next time.