Materialistic

I feel like every girl are materialistic at some point in their life. They may not act it, but they think it. Many of the time they think, "oh i am not like everyone else, I am not materialistic." But trust me, if you're not, you wouldn't wish you were part of fairy tale sometimes, you wouldn't get jealous of other people's relationship being perfect, and you wouldn't have a wishlist or a what i am going to get, or what i am going to bribe my boyfriend or a guy in to getting for me. 

I guess the difference is whether you're on the high/point of no return materialistic or just a little materalistic here and there. And honestly i can see myself being in the middle, but not so much anymore now that I am with present because i know of his budget. 

But am I a materialistic person? My ex used to buy me everything I ever wanted because I never got whatever I wanted in my life when I live with my parents. My ex always wanted to compensate for the things I have lost by buying me things, and that is a very nice thing he is doing. He even got a tutoring job because he was unable to afford a lot of things in the relationship that he wanted to afford. He wanted to buy me nice things and take me to nice places and he really works hard for it. And I am honesty grateful for a boyfriend like that, I mean yeah he doesn’t have to actually work to pay off his new car, his dorm, and his tuition, but he does what he can for me because his mom only gives him limited allowance. He is unafraid to spend it all on me, when he is near broke, he still tries to buy me the best things. He watch out for me, and always put me first, and I guess I am used to that kind of care.

Now that I am with present, he doesn’t do the exact same thing as my past. I mean yes he cares for me and he does show lots of patience for me which my past didn’t. he would go out of his way and back in the days, put me even before his education. He valued me pretty high up the chain. Something not all boyfriend would ever do for their girlfriend, especially in these days?

But I guess you always compare it to other people’s best and worst. Sometimes I would think to myself and wonder in the end if this is all worth it. If choosing present was the right choice, because sometimes I feel like he values himself way more than me, and I guess in some sense it makes sense since if you don’t love yourself how can you love others. But then if you love others, won’t you always try to put them first?

When I am sick, when I am on my period, when my throat hurts and when I have a fever, depending on the condition my past would come barring gifts, not just any gifts but porridge or cough drops or food and medications. He would drive all the way from Burbank in the middle of the night in the middle of working on his projects just for me. He would make food and cook for me, and he would always tuck me in and make sure I am not cold when I sleep with him. And offer to take care of me and go stay at his dorm when I am sick because he knows no one would take care of me and no one would even know when I am sick.

On the other hand present sometimes gets me medication with water, he doesn’t offer to get me food when I am sick or constantly ask if I am okay. He doesn’t give me morning text to tell me to eat well and stay warm and dress in jackets. There’s just so much in so much past did that present never did that saddens me. i love my boyfriend, I love present, don’t get me wrong. He have so much flaws, he never cared for another as much as he did for me, I should be happy. I was his first that he have been so patient, so close, so understanding and gave so much chances to. I should be grateful and lucky.

I overlook all his flaws, his mistaken past because I love him, I care a lot for him and I know somewhere inside me I will never leave him. However sometimes I would just wish he’d be more caring in some aspects of life, and put me a little before him, just when I am sick or when I have my period.

Am I being materialistic when I get a little sad of the fact that asking my boyfriend for a item even though he is broke? He called me materialistic, but honestly comparing to how I was when I was with my ex, I don’t see myself being materialistic at all. I don’t even know anymore. What do I do?

Self, stop being ungrateful and be thankful that he have sticked around with you for this long. And I also understand that i shouldn't be comparing relationships since afterall, not all relationship are the same and non of them should be perfect. All relationship have flaws, and this was our flaw. I should embrace it and accept it. Maybe its for the betterment of mankind

Micro-arguments - Patience

Ever since getting back after break up, I been nothing but forgiving, if not more patient. But instead I get nothing back, I feel like I give more than I get. Sometimes I don’t know if this is worth my time or not, sometimes I feel like I don’t even know anymore, and it is especially time like this.

Everytime when I get mad at him, I calm myself down, I think about what I committed and I take a deep breath. Honestly I have been way more patient than I ever had been in my whole life with him because he means a lot to me for me to get in small argument about with. And today, just now, we got into an argument simply because I was typing on my computer and I couldn’t tell him what I was typing. I was still talking to him via skype, and typing a journal entry about Valentines day, and obviously im not gonna tell him oh I am writing about how I don’t know what gift to get guys because my ex loved hello kitty and he doesn’t, because that’d just pretty much tell him about this upcoming Valentines day and me not having a gift ready for him. And so I told him that I was doing nothing. So much typing so little words, I guess he got suspicious or curious and frustrated because I was semi lying, so he faced the side at first, I stopped all the things I was doing and I was like “Bae, bae” but of course, he didn’t respond, so I continued my typing of the entry. Only little did I know it lead to him closing his webcam, and follow by a hangup. This got me mad, because what gives him the damn right to hang up on me and be mad when I try to talk to him and he just refuse to talk.

If he wants to get mad then fine, but honestly when he is the one in the beginning of this new relationship telling me that he want me to stop getting mad at the little stuff, I had higher expectations for him when it comes to anger management. And not hanging up just because of the small things I do was just one of them. I was expecting something better from him since he was the one setting it up. There were countless times where he have done things that ticked me off or got me mad because of the way he did it, how thoughtless he was, or just how unboyfriend like it was. I was hurt many times, my feelings got in the way of things many times. He lied to me many times and there were plenty of where that came from, and he can’t even oversee this one just got me really mad, like really, because I am honestly not ready for another break up, but I am not up for another argumenet like this. I signed up for some peace, I signed up for having less argument if not non because I cared for him that much, and sometimes I just feel a little one sided when he refuses to see it that way. I know when I got into the relationship that he said he didn’t love me, that he only cared for me, that things wouldn’t turn out the way I wanted it to be, and I accepted that. I guess I just have too high of an expectation out of this relationship. There are times where i wish my feelings would stop, that I would stop being so emotional about things like this and let it go, and pretend like I don’t care, like I am fine but I am not.

If I am able to give in my anger, and give up on being mad, and reason things out and be more patient, what gives him right to get mad at me and hang up when I don’t even do them anymore. It makes no sense to me. Maybe I am just thinking this too much, I should stop.

Sigh. This is what I signed up for, this is what I know what I was getting into, and I should be okay with this regardless.

That’s it for tonight. Good night everyone. I will updated on the Valentines day post later this week or tomorrow depending on when I can write it without feeling what I am feeling right now.