Cultural Difference

We been through a long time together. Been through the happy times and the sad times. It is crazy how fast time past, and yet we change even though we are still in the same place. There are a lot of things I still dont understand. Including life.

I am in a official relationship with the guy I am happy to call him my present. He is someone I am willing to accept, someone who I would spend my money for if I have to, and someone who I don't ask much from knowing he is kinda broke.

There are things which I hate about him, he is a lot of a guy, which is something I am not used to. All the people I dated, although are guys, tends to act more feminine, so when my Present came into my life, it was really weird because of how different he was from my ex. Although sometimes I would compare him to my two past, and sometime gets sad about it because I just can't see him taking care of me the way the other two in my past would. My present can't even care for himself, which worries me. He chooses to party before everything else at times. He doesn't always make the wisest choice, and he likes to have fun more than thinking about the consequencce.

The most I worry about is that he is of another race. And not just any other race either, he is mexican. I mean don't get me wrong, my best friends are Mexican, and I love them, but its just having to survive with them, and maybe last a life time, the difference in culture and food worries me. Because I know he is not going to marry into an Asian household, and similarly I wouldn't want to be married into a Mexican household. He is catholic, although thank god he is not one of those super religious people, meanwhile I don't even know if I practice a religion.

Culture difference is already enough to worry about, if I end up ,marrying this guy, I also have to worry about religious difference? I mean obviously he would respect me and not force me to go into Catholic, but its just the fact that there are still certain ritual that makes me worry.

One thing many doesn't know, including my present is that I hate Mexican food or I mean just dislike. One thing I cannot take is beans, their cooked texture is just so weird. So when my best friends and boyfriend are Mexican, and wants to bring me to get mexican food. I am just like wtf am I suppose to order when I don't even know what they have. And then I see them ordering fluently it scares the crap out of me. I hate ordering in front of certain people, which mostly entails any of my boyfriends.

Thinking about all this worries me, it makes me think about life. Every time when I feel insecure because he hangs out with his best friend, which is a girl who I don't know, it makes me worry. I know he is not the cheating type, but with the fact that he is closer to her than me, and would sit next to her and talk to her while we're in the same office instead of me, it would hurt a lot.I hate having these kind of feelings but they just happen.

But that's another story for another time.
Time to study for finals, good luck everyone who's reading this on your finals! #collegelife

Mother ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

It was yesterday, and the day before yesterday that got me realize how much effort my mom gives in on daily life. Even though she is not my birth mother, her role in my life became bigger and bigger as the days went by. Although I tend to forget that, and be ungrateful at days, its at the end of the day that things collect itself and I find myself in my own little bubbles. Yesterday night we celebrated her birthday, and that's when I realize, nobody really appreciate her appearance much. Nobody waited for her to show up, and nobody asked where she had been the whole day, working. Even though its family dinner, I don't even see a speck of greeting. Maybe I am blind, but then the things they do , tends to be captured by me. Jay's refusal to join the family celebration and talks, instead he rather play angry bird, and minion run. The generation below me's ungratefulness, not knowing why we are gathering here today. And the in-laws who are just there because their spouse needed them to be there. My mom have to buy her own cake and do all those things just makes me angry. Why couldn't anyone else buy her a cake? She deserves more than purchasing her own cake. It was at that point I wanted to make a cake just for her, maybe a cheese cake or something like that.
On the drive back to my present's place, I gave it a lot of thoughts. I wanted to cry, it's not until I was leaving that house that made me realize how empty it was leaving it. Leaving the warm spot. How unfullfilling it was, and how much they needed me around yet I was like that. I wanted to cry, but I didn't know who to cry to. Nobody at this moment would understand how I feel, nobody. And that is just pretty sad. Thinking that I grew up all these year having so many people passing by on my life, yet nobody understand me well enough to see how I feel. Maybe I am introverted rather than extroverted. I thought of my brother, the youngest one, though still older than me, he is the third in line. He is an introvert, unlike my older brother and sister, whom are extroverts. It would make a lot of sense, but then as of now, it makes no sense at all. In fact I dont even know what I am talking about anymore. I wanted to write this blog since yesterday, but then because I was away at someone else's place, I couldn't let them see my secret blog. I couldn't let the society in, its just something I havent came in terms with yet.
No now, and probably not ever would they find this blog. I guess this place is just a place where I let out my fustration, a place where I can talk about all sort of secret and not being scared to express myself and how I feel. Although sometimes I really do wish someone would read this and talk to me, someone who would understand how I feel. Regardless of introverts or extroverts, just somebody.

coмғorт. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα

      People are right, relationship is nothing but trouble. Relationship is not just getting physical but on an emotional level too. Each have to give in to each other to satisfy another, yet some people tends to not do that, and leads it to a bigger argument. And sometimes they just tried too hard that they ended up harming themselves. To me, I always wanted a guy who would understand me, understand my needs and my wants, and don't force me into the things I dont want to do. And especially not pressure me. Someone who is there by my side when I need them the most, someone who knows when I need them and when to call me so that I can cry on a shoulder. Someone who are able to hear my cries and respond, comforting me. Being understanding and trying to cheer me up.
      Watching drama all my life, I realize the more I watch the more I sometimes wish to be the main character, meeting her prince charming and finally have someone who's Mr.Right, Mr.Perfect. Having someone to be there all the time and understand you to a point where they tolerate your action. Then I realize, men these days are impossible to achieve such concept.
      Why him? Why will I choose him? Out of all those guys who chased after me, out of all those guys who cared for me and loved me, i decided to pick someone who would've picked on me for life, and have never liked me. Why? Why did I pick him to crush on? He is judgmental  racist, stereotype Instead i picked someone who hates seeing or even hearing the sound of sadness, the sound of tears shedding down. Who gets annoyed, paranoid, and angry over things like thsi. Why couldnt he for once comfort me? It's funny, to other girls i have seen him comforting to them countless times, but to me, he just never does. Is it because i am already his girlfriend, and theres no need for such thing? Sometimes after aguement i would wonder, not why i didnt break up but why am i dating some. one who wouldnt try to cheer me up, try to calm me down"

Why? I just wished for more understanding, is that wrong?