So finally I am single again, offically. From all those time I post sad posts, to those time I post about stupid things he doesn't understand me doing, now I guess this will be the last post about him. Goodbye "present", you're now offically part of my past.
I guess I will wrap some memories I have of him in this blog post, and seal it from there, no more talks of him as present, no more talks about him as my current. He would be my history, something I once had, once smiled about, and will slowly fade away.
I remember every time he suggested break up, we would end up not breaking up. Not because he never meant it, but because everytime he tries to break up with me, I would end up sobbing to him, lowering my dignity to him, begging him to not leave this relationship. Why? I guess I just never really got used to being alone, and considering being with him for two years into the relationship, its just the fact that you already know so much about each other and the level of understanding is crazy to a point you don't know how you're going to start it again with someone new and achieve that kind of level. I guess he was just part of my comfort zone, something I didn't like losing.
And with the idealology my parents taught me behind, I always look at quantity over quality, like money over love? Since he was this person who is willing to go on any extend to buy me the stuff I want, I guess it just lay me a bonus of not wanting to leave me. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, but then its just his lack of understanding and trying to relate to me frustrates me sometimes (or probably all the time). I never understood him, I don't get why he would often get mad at me when I should be the one getting mad at him. He does things that a boyfriend shouldn't do to their girlfriend, yet when I point it out, he would just give me this look like I take him for granted. I don't, I really don't.
The tiring thing about the relationship I had with him is his expectation. I remember in the very beginning of the relationship, I would always be the one calling him, the one texting him, and when he doesn't reply I would be like hello? Why aren't you replying. And of course, he got annoyed by that very quickly, but then I bothered on, because that's what girlfriends and boyfriends are suppose to do. Then of course, there reached the comfort zone, where you two don't really mind anymore. And once you pass the comfort zone, it's just argument after argument I guess. He started complaining that I don't pay attention to him enough, that I don't call him anymore nor do I text him, but to be honest, it is tiring always being the one to text first, being the one who always calls first. I don't ever remember him calling me because he misses me, I don't remember him ever texted me because he wants to see me, it's always me doing it, and I felt as if I was taken for granted. And of course it's only when you lose someone that you realize how important they were in your life.
You know what kind of bullshit he texted me when he broke up with me?
"For reals over things like this. I was really going to sit down with you tomr and talk about this relationship and how we can maintain it better, but I guess that's fucking pointless now. I don't mind putting more effort into pleasing you but you have no right to get at me when I chose no to considered that amount of efor you put into it for past six month. I don't care whatever the reason it might be to cause you becoming differently in this relationship but I have been waiting for you patiently and now you wanna be an asshole about it then so be it. We are over now, and from this moment on every time you look back at this you will see nothing but regrets. For all the troubles I went though for you. I have no one to blame but myself. I guess at the end I can't really say I hate you, since you did help me grow as a person, so thank you."
So much fake bullshit here that I don't even give a fuck about anymore, if he is this much of a jerk to even put that I will be the one who have nothing but regrets? Who the fuck do you think you are? I will live my life to the fullest with or without you.
Truth be told though, I cried by myself for a while, and I even cried to my friend who I am not even super close to emotionally/mentally. I felt like my world breaking apart at one point, then I don't know why, the following few days, the only person that pops up in my head was Past. He concurred my whole thought process, and I don't know why out of any of the other time I decided to think about him then and there, especially after a break up.
I knew we weren't going to last, I knew that one day we were bound to break up, it was just the matter of time, but then I guess my brain was just never registered to the fact.
It truly gets frustrating when he pops up when I am the one who hurted him so much. He finally have moved on to someone else, and it would really be messed up of me to try to even attempt to bring him back into my life again and have his heart broken four times . He was my real first love, my longest love, the love I hide away the most, the one I truly inputted effort into. I guess it makes sense for me to think about him. If there was anyone that I was regret towards, he would be the first one, not "present". In fact, he is no where near the first I would feel regret towards. I treated him better than a lot of people would, and I actually let him pressured me. I mean seriously.
In the beginning of the relationship, he threatened me that if I don't have sex with him before our first year anniversary, he would leave me, because it juts proves that I don't love him. How fucked up is that?
It's like, shit, my bad. He said that a year is the longest he would wait and that I was lucky because most guys would just leave me already if I don't have sex with them then and there. I wasn't mentally ready, nor was I physically ready. I mean he tries to relate to me, saying that he is a virgin too, and that if he is willing to give it to me, I should be willing to give it to him. What the hell? And then he says that he done all those other things for me, and all he asks of me was sex, how hard is that. Look at me, do I look like some kind of prostitute to you? Holy shit. Thinking about all the things he said to me just made me feel less and less regret towards him leaving. I remember when he first tries to take off my pants, and I was like, "no", and he just kept doing it, saying "come on," It had to get me to cry for him to stop, what the hell. After all these he expects me to do more and more, even tried to force me to blow him. And when I say no, his response is, "come on, everytime when you ask me to do something, I always do it, and all I ask is this one thing." And I am just like, "I ask you to visit me, to call me, to read to me sometimes, but I don't ask for things that can even be compared to those, and furthermore, you don't just ask for that, you ask for sex too." And his response was, "That's the same thing, and if not I did more effort, all I ask is two things even so. Come on"
I am not even going to continue this story, let's just end it here. Good bye "present".
Showing posts with label bastard child. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bastard child. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Saturday, January 26, 2013
My Mother's Life, an inspirational yet touching true story of her life. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
The pain, the suffer, the sacrifice. This article is going to be special, this article is written dedicated for my mother, whom I knew would never read this, but still she's a true hero. With all due respect, please do not take this article without permission, and if use any, please credit my mom at least for it.
My mother started off her childhood not easy, having 4 siblings, she was in the middle. Out of all her silbings, she was the one who was the least spoiled, she was the one who faced most of the harshest things that anyone could have faced in the society of poor. She, is a really unique girl who deserves more than she have right now, she deserves a better man than my father.
Her mother to start off would always spoil the others when they ask her for money. Unlike her other silbings, asking her mother for money, she went off joining the malitary in Taiwan and became a nurse after with all the money that was gained through everything she would give most of them to her mother, leaving her self with barely enough to live. The greedy sisters would still continueiously seek her mother for money, and secretly the mother, weak as she was already, would give it to them when the whole purpose of those money was for her so that she would be able to live a good life.
In her mid-age, she met my dad, which then I dont know how, never asked, it would be too awkward to ask anyways. Maybe Ill ask my dad later on in life, but not now. Meeting my dad in the medical field while around malitary wasn't really a good idea. And definately marrying him wasnt a good idea either.
As my mother pursues her nursing later on in the United States, she knew little than enough to keep her alive. Yet somehow manages to survive. She was defaintely a great role model. She entered the United States, with a little cash, a little knowledge of its foreign language, and no one to take her around, she was literally lost, didn't know where to go. And back then, Asians migrating wasn't even a big thing. Barely any Asian were at California then.
When her career was finally stable enough, she moved her three children to the United States for better education with the citizenship she gained. Another wrong decision she made by settling in the US and leaving her husband back in Taiwan to work, intrusting him in the relationship and the family. It wasn't long before he began to flirt, and soon enough cheat on her. Who knew how long this have been going on, but then it was one of those times where protection wasn't enough and an accident happened. And that's where I came into the story. Yup, you would think the whole time, the mother I talked about is my biological mother? Wrong. It was my adoptive mother who learn to love and forgive in a sense and allow me into her life.
It was on one of those typical days where one of her friend needed someone to look after her grandmother and asked my mom to help out. That's where the surprise visit came in. It was because of my mother's surprise visit back to Taiwan made her saw what happened. That's where I came in to the story for real in life form. That was the time when I was about to come out of the womb and mother had no one to call but my dad,and sadly, she was there as well when it took place. And according to her, she was the first one to held me in her arms, all along, thinking that it was my mom who held me, thinking that she was the bigger person in the picture. In fact it was actually mother herself. After everything was settled, when everything have calmed itself, one person that wasn't calm was mother. She didn't know what to do. That was the downest part of her life. No the struggle she had coming to the US, not the fear of not knowing anyone and having to survive in a foregin country, but facing her husband cheating on her and having a bastard child. It was then, thanks to Buddhism that calmed her down completely, if it wasn't for them, mother wouldn't have made it until today.
He never comforted her, he never really sincerely apologized either. And that left a huge mark on her. I mean if I was the one, I would have left everything and just return back to US with a divorcement and start new. But mother did, she stayed and settled, trying to forget and forgive. Though there's always this mark of scar on her, but then she hid it well, all these 18 years, I wonder how she survived. The more I learned about the truth, the more guilt I felt. I was the stone in their relationship, if my existent wasn't present, then this family may have a chance to live happier than ever, but then again, that would mean my dad may continuously cheat. Oh well, maybe this was all fate in a sense.
Now today, why did I out of no where wrote this article? My parents once again broke into a huge fight with my dad starting everything with greed. He cared about himself more than others, and money obviously more than his wife. I really do feel bad for my mom, it was at that time I wish I had a job already, and a place of my own, a place where mother can come and escape all these miserable hell. But then again, I am just a 18 years old with all the "irresponsible" marks on my head, what can I possibly do? I feel like punching my dad hard, hoping that he would get some sense in his system. I wished for powers to change my dad's mindset, and become a good husband, but then again, those are just wishes not things that can be done easily.
At this point in life, I began to feel thankful, not just because I have a life already given at the palm of my hand, but a good life, a life many like my mother would be jealous of. A life where guys that are really truely after me, and the ones that I have been with are all good and not bad influences. That I have extreme luck, though there are down hill many time, but the uphill is really rewoarding. Thank you for everything you have done mother, you are truely a hero in my heart, the only thing i regret is not being able to be your friend and be there to talk with you about these and make you feel better. Making work the only escape place, the only paradise to escape from troubles. I am sorry.
My mother started off her childhood not easy, having 4 siblings, she was in the middle. Out of all her silbings, she was the one who was the least spoiled, she was the one who faced most of the harshest things that anyone could have faced in the society of poor. She, is a really unique girl who deserves more than she have right now, she deserves a better man than my father.
Her mother to start off would always spoil the others when they ask her for money. Unlike her other silbings, asking her mother for money, she went off joining the malitary in Taiwan and became a nurse after with all the money that was gained through everything she would give most of them to her mother, leaving her self with barely enough to live. The greedy sisters would still continueiously seek her mother for money, and secretly the mother, weak as she was already, would give it to them when the whole purpose of those money was for her so that she would be able to live a good life.
In her mid-age, she met my dad, which then I dont know how, never asked, it would be too awkward to ask anyways. Maybe Ill ask my dad later on in life, but not now. Meeting my dad in the medical field while around malitary wasn't really a good idea. And definately marrying him wasnt a good idea either.
As my mother pursues her nursing later on in the United States, she knew little than enough to keep her alive. Yet somehow manages to survive. She was defaintely a great role model. She entered the United States, with a little cash, a little knowledge of its foreign language, and no one to take her around, she was literally lost, didn't know where to go. And back then, Asians migrating wasn't even a big thing. Barely any Asian were at California then.
When her career was finally stable enough, she moved her three children to the United States for better education with the citizenship she gained. Another wrong decision she made by settling in the US and leaving her husband back in Taiwan to work, intrusting him in the relationship and the family. It wasn't long before he began to flirt, and soon enough cheat on her. Who knew how long this have been going on, but then it was one of those times where protection wasn't enough and an accident happened. And that's where I came into the story. Yup, you would think the whole time, the mother I talked about is my biological mother? Wrong. It was my adoptive mother who learn to love and forgive in a sense and allow me into her life.
It was on one of those typical days where one of her friend needed someone to look after her grandmother and asked my mom to help out. That's where the surprise visit came in. It was because of my mother's surprise visit back to Taiwan made her saw what happened. That's where I came in to the story for real in life form. That was the time when I was about to come out of the womb and mother had no one to call but my dad,and sadly, she was there as well when it took place. And according to her, she was the first one to held me in her arms, all along, thinking that it was my mom who held me, thinking that she was the bigger person in the picture. In fact it was actually mother herself. After everything was settled, when everything have calmed itself, one person that wasn't calm was mother. She didn't know what to do. That was the downest part of her life. No the struggle she had coming to the US, not the fear of not knowing anyone and having to survive in a foregin country, but facing her husband cheating on her and having a bastard child. It was then, thanks to Buddhism that calmed her down completely, if it wasn't for them, mother wouldn't have made it until today.
He never comforted her, he never really sincerely apologized either. And that left a huge mark on her. I mean if I was the one, I would have left everything and just return back to US with a divorcement and start new. But mother did, she stayed and settled, trying to forget and forgive. Though there's always this mark of scar on her, but then she hid it well, all these 18 years, I wonder how she survived. The more I learned about the truth, the more guilt I felt. I was the stone in their relationship, if my existent wasn't present, then this family may have a chance to live happier than ever, but then again, that would mean my dad may continuously cheat. Oh well, maybe this was all fate in a sense.
Now today, why did I out of no where wrote this article? My parents once again broke into a huge fight with my dad starting everything with greed. He cared about himself more than others, and money obviously more than his wife. I really do feel bad for my mom, it was at that time I wish I had a job already, and a place of my own, a place where mother can come and escape all these miserable hell. But then again, I am just a 18 years old with all the "irresponsible" marks on my head, what can I possibly do? I feel like punching my dad hard, hoping that he would get some sense in his system. I wished for powers to change my dad's mindset, and become a good husband, but then again, those are just wishes not things that can be done easily.
At this point in life, I began to feel thankful, not just because I have a life already given at the palm of my hand, but a good life, a life many like my mother would be jealous of. A life where guys that are really truely after me, and the ones that I have been with are all good and not bad influences. That I have extreme luck, though there are down hill many time, but the uphill is really rewoarding. Thank you for everything you have done mother, you are truely a hero in my heart, the only thing i regret is not being able to be your friend and be there to talk with you about these and make you feel better. Making work the only escape place, the only paradise to escape from troubles. I am sorry.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
ριℓσт - lα doυleυr
Already at the edge of this autumn season, yet leaves struggle to apart from their branch. The sun is still yet shining so bright despite how the weather is. Coldness tends to cover up the whole land with the sun being stubborn as always, fighting it's way to shine its ray to the maximum. Making others feel its warmth and shine. With the passing of the long weekend, it seemed as if it was already the end of summer break once again. Going to school was no longer mandatory College, the first step into the real society following turning 18. Although, it's quite the opposite for me considering my birthday was two weekends ago. Did I feel any older you may ask. The answer is no. Who ever told you that turning a year older will make you wiser lied. If you yourself isn't ready for the change, no matter how old you are, inside, you are still the same age.
Putting that aside, with autumn coming to and end, thanksgiving following its footsteps catching up with us, I begin to start thinking. What am I thankful for this year? What am I thankful for in life? What am I thankful for all this 18 years?
I guess the biggest thank may be going to my current parents, baring with me all these 10, 11 years? Felt like I have been with them practically all my life. The truth is they really didn't have to take care of me at all. I am what they called a bastard child. A unwanted child, a child that came from an accident, a child that wasn't needed, a surprise. My current mother didnt have to take care of me, nor worry about me, or lecture me about things, after all I wasn't her child, and quite opposite, I would probably be the last kid she'd ever want to raise. Yet she took me in, adopted me, and make me an official family members of theirs. I know even though there is a huge treatment difference between her kids and grand kids she still treat me extremely nice for someone like that. And trust me, I am thankful for that. In fact I am really thankful for that. Not a lot of people can do things like that. But sometimes hanging around with my friends too much tends to influence me a lot and make me realize how much of a actual family feeling I am lacking. After my elementary years are over, my parents begin to separate and do things their way. No one each with each other anymore. No group cooking and chatting on the table while munching down food. Instead everyone is all for themselves. Sometimes it make me think a lot. Especially when i go to my friend's house. I begin to get jealous, not over their wealth, or how much things they own or how spoiled they are, but how wonderful of a family they have to care for each other and eat together and enjoy every moment of it.
I always wanted to do that. It always seemed so fun being able to do that. It use to be fun while we still do it. I guess you really do take things for granted until you lose it. Am I really asking too much though? Even though I know my mom isnt my real mom, but is asking her to trust me a bit too much? Do i really need to give in first for her to trust me? I mean first thing first, how am I suppose to give in when she herself doesn't even trust me in the first place? She said until i get a license, she will not allow me to drive. All my friends told me that the biggest part of their driving experience wasn't from the instructor, but the individual learning they got when their driving with their parents. And for me its quite the opposite. They rather pay for an additional 4 class and expect me to know how to drive and pass the test. Well, am I asking too much to wish for them to trust me more to a point where they'd let me drive and practice?
Each time when I complain things similar to this, when i relate my friends' families to mine, my parents would always bring up something unrelated to the topic we're on and tell me to think about this and that. Okay I get it, those were my fault, but we are talking about this topic, would you explain why you don't trust me on driving? How trusting someone with driving have anything to do with doing chores automatically? Would someone tell me how asking "do you need help?" is not a kind of offering to help? And can someone please tell me how "can i help you?" is a kind of offer unlike "do you need help?". Its quite ironic, because i do use both set of questions, but when i claim that their both the same she would tell me. "Why will you bother to even ask me? Instead you should have just clean it or do the chores straight away." Well geez, is a confirmation too much for you? Is asking for a confirmation rude in our Chinese culture? For the record, I am pretty sure it isn't And for your information mother, normally even my nephew, they wouldn't offer help often, and when they do, to you, THEY ARE THE POLITEST PEOPLE EVER, when the truth is, THEY SAY THE EXACT SAME THING AS ME! Well gee, how does that even make sense mother? Would someone please explain this logic to me? And also, please explain how all these questioning and not doing chores automatically without being asked to do them have anything to do with losing trust in a person and driving. Someone please enlighten me on this. Because apparently I am only thinking of excuses to make, and is too busy to realize my mistake in this. Well?
Putting that aside, with autumn coming to and end, thanksgiving following its footsteps catching up with us, I begin to start thinking. What am I thankful for this year? What am I thankful for in life? What am I thankful for all this 18 years?
I guess the biggest thank may be going to my current parents, baring with me all these 10, 11 years? Felt like I have been with them practically all my life. The truth is they really didn't have to take care of me at all. I am what they called a bastard child. A unwanted child, a child that came from an accident, a child that wasn't needed, a surprise. My current mother didnt have to take care of me, nor worry about me, or lecture me about things, after all I wasn't her child, and quite opposite, I would probably be the last kid she'd ever want to raise. Yet she took me in, adopted me, and make me an official family members of theirs. I know even though there is a huge treatment difference between her kids and grand kids she still treat me extremely nice for someone like that. And trust me, I am thankful for that. In fact I am really thankful for that. Not a lot of people can do things like that. But sometimes hanging around with my friends too much tends to influence me a lot and make me realize how much of a actual family feeling I am lacking. After my elementary years are over, my parents begin to separate and do things their way. No one each with each other anymore. No group cooking and chatting on the table while munching down food. Instead everyone is all for themselves. Sometimes it make me think a lot. Especially when i go to my friend's house. I begin to get jealous, not over their wealth, or how much things they own or how spoiled they are, but how wonderful of a family they have to care for each other and eat together and enjoy every moment of it.
I always wanted to do that. It always seemed so fun being able to do that. It use to be fun while we still do it. I guess you really do take things for granted until you lose it. Am I really asking too much though? Even though I know my mom isnt my real mom, but is asking her to trust me a bit too much? Do i really need to give in first for her to trust me? I mean first thing first, how am I suppose to give in when she herself doesn't even trust me in the first place? She said until i get a license, she will not allow me to drive. All my friends told me that the biggest part of their driving experience wasn't from the instructor, but the individual learning they got when their driving with their parents. And for me its quite the opposite. They rather pay for an additional 4 class and expect me to know how to drive and pass the test. Well, am I asking too much to wish for them to trust me more to a point where they'd let me drive and practice?
Each time when I complain things similar to this, when i relate my friends' families to mine, my parents would always bring up something unrelated to the topic we're on and tell me to think about this and that. Okay I get it, those were my fault, but we are talking about this topic, would you explain why you don't trust me on driving? How trusting someone with driving have anything to do with doing chores automatically? Would someone tell me how asking "do you need help?" is not a kind of offering to help? And can someone please tell me how "can i help you?" is a kind of offer unlike "do you need help?". Its quite ironic, because i do use both set of questions, but when i claim that their both the same she would tell me. "Why will you bother to even ask me? Instead you should have just clean it or do the chores straight away." Well geez, is a confirmation too much for you? Is asking for a confirmation rude in our Chinese culture? For the record, I am pretty sure it isn't And for your information mother, normally even my nephew, they wouldn't offer help often, and when they do, to you, THEY ARE THE POLITEST PEOPLE EVER, when the truth is, THEY SAY THE EXACT SAME THING AS ME! Well gee, how does that even make sense mother? Would someone please explain this logic to me? And also, please explain how all these questioning and not doing chores automatically without being asked to do them have anything to do with losing trust in a person and driving. Someone please enlighten me on this. Because apparently I am only thinking of excuses to make, and is too busy to realize my mistake in this. Well?
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