06.17.2015 Regrets, Loss, And Grief (下一頁的我)

下一頁的我

Thank you for waking up at 5am to take me to the airport one last time after our breakup.
Despite everything that have happened you are still nice to me, I don't deserve you.

Written on 07/02/201506說想你，說我以前沒有好好的珍惜你都太晚了。我們已經都變成過去式了。說聲對不起只能填一填傷口的結疤。要是我真的覺得你有那麼重要那我就不會那麼不尊重你的一言一語，我也不會對你大驚小怪的。實話說的直一點，你已經給過我不知道多少機會了。而我只把你說的都當成耳邊風。我以為我們是一輩子的，但是我都沒發覺你有多麼多麼的不快樂。我不知道我傷了你多少次了你還是會默默的原諒我。我回想了一下，你到底是看上我的那裡？我很愛罵你，很愛在你前面說你的壞話，什麼是我都經常說是你的錯，還愛說一些讓你感受到沒安全感的話。害你自尊心都悲傷了，安全感也沒了，還要逼的跟我嗆，而且還要被我臭罵一頓。我看起來真的不值得你的原諒。在一起那麼久了，我還沒有自己知覺，真的很想揍自己。你實實都依著我，我想去哪裡，我想做什麼事你都陪我，我要辦事時要是你有空你會陪我，我很無聊想要聊天時，要是你能，你也會用你保貴的時間來陪我在電話上聊天，或者陪我簡訊一整天要是你沒空的話。你讓我踩在你的頭上，讓我每次都不知不覺的踩的太過頭，害你感到悲哀跟傷痛。現在的我，有什麼資格要求你回到我的身邊？現在的我哪有什麼資格再問你願不願意跟我再重新開始？整個墨西哥的程旅滿腦子都是你，都在回想我們做過的事，我們說過的話，我們在一起的時候，然後我就會坐在角落單單和回想跟自責。自責當初沒有好好的對你，沒有好好的珍惜你。現在已經太晚了。像那首歌說的一樣，好的事情也總然需要結束。可能我們不是命中注定要在一起吧。
我以為我們會走的更遠，我以為我們沒事的，可是我都忘記停一下去看你到底高不高興，看一下我怎麼對待你的。我都估率了你的感受，我只有估率自己的感受。我好恨我當初的決定。愛應該是大方的，是不能逼迫的。有句名言說，要是你愛一個人的話，你就得放他走，要是他寧願回來，那就是屬於你的，可是要是他不回來的話那麼他從原本就不屬於你的，而你得讓他走。我好恨那句詞，因為我不懂為什麼。對我來說，愛一個人是自私的，我怎麼能說放就放？不能啊，哪有那麼簡單啊。尤其是看到對方終於有了個新的女朋友，心裏總是會痛。在嘴巴明明說說會祝他們幸福可是心裏還不是會痛的要命。我真的不懂愛，我也真的不想懂。愛好複雜，好亂。可以讓一個人失去理智，變成白癡，何必勒。我愛唸，愛把每件小事都怪在你的頭上，愛計較，愛跟你吵架，把不需要吵架無理頭的小事都變成大事，小事大鬧。我又愛跟你頂嘴，吵架都非虛我贏，還真的愛跟你吵的每天都你死我活，每天都至少會聽你說對不起，因為你都讓我贏。我好恨自己沒有好好的珍惜你，現在的我，已經太晚了，沒有這個福氣去珍惜你。我好恨自己恨我等了這麼久才發現，才自覺。我恨我當初開始沒對你好。害你每次都得和我道歉，就算是我的錯也是你道歉。在世上沒有一個人能應付我的脾氣。可是你就能，你的溫柔，慈悲，貼心，跟耐心都用在我的身上，而我卻還是欺負你，踏在你的頭上，害你每次受傷。我值得今天的下場，失去你的下場。
現在的我們連朋友都當不成，而當時以前的我們有說不完的話，比好朋友更親。
雖然我們現在連朋友都不如，但願有一天我跟你有緣能再度從新開始，但願你有一天會回頭再給我一次機會讓我好好的對你。好好的愛你。因為現在的我不值得得到你的愛。現在的我已經失去讓你愛我的資格。17
不屬於我的幸福我還是不要碰不要求，不然最後受傷的還是我。可能這輩子的我不值得擁有幸福。

So I am too lazy to translate it all to english, and asked my friend, Google translate for help, so don't mind some things not making sense...Like you said, that I had not cherish you too late. We have all become past tense. I'm sorry to say only fill a fill wound scarring. If I really think you are so important that I would not be so do not respect your word spoken, I will not have you fuss. Honestly straight point, you've given me a chance I do not know how much. And I say to you all fell on deaf ears. I thought we were a lifetime, but I have not noticed how much you unhappy. I do not know how many times I hurt you or will you forgive me silently. I thought for a moment, I fancy you in the end there? I call you love, love in front of you say bad things, what I have often said to be your fault, but also love to say something that makes you feel insecure words. Harm your self-esteem are sad, there is no sense of security, and also forced to choke me, but also I gave it to be. I look really do not deserve your forgiveness. Together so long, I do not own perception, really wanted to hit himself. Truly you are depending on me, I want to go, I want to do something you are with me, when I want to work, if you have time you will accompany me, I'm bored I want to chat, if you can, you also you will use the valuable time with me on the phone chat, or SMS with me all day if you do not empty words. You let me step on your head, so that every time I unknowingly stepped on too far and hurt you feel sad with grief. Now, I'm asking you what right back to me? Now how can I ask you what qualifications and I would be willing to re-start? Mexico trip full of mind throughout the process are you in retrospect we did, we have said, we were together, and then I'll just sit in the corner and recall with remorse. ERA did not receive proper for you, you do not cherish. Now it is too late. Like the song says, like, good things are always natural need to end.Perhaps we are not destined to be together now.I thought we would go further, I think we all right, but I have forgotten pause to see you in the end high unhappy, look at how I treated you. I estimate the rate of your feelings, I only estimate the rate of their feelings. I Haohen my original decision.Love should be generous, not persecution. There is a saying that if you love someone, you have to let him go, if he would prefer to come back, it is yours, but if he does not come back, then that he had not belong to you, and you have to let him go.I Haohen phrase word, because I do not know why. For me, love a person is selfish, how can I say Fangjiu Fang? Not ah, how so simple ah. Especially to see the other side finally has a new girlfriend, my heart will always be pain. In the mouth will obviously talk about wish them happy but my heart was not hurt terribly.I really do not know love, I really do not want to know. Hobbies complicated mess. Can make a person lose control becomes an idiot, why Le.I love to read, love to blame every little thing in your head, loving care, love quarrel with you, the little things do not need to fight unreasonable head have become a major event, trivial row. I love to talk back to you, quarrel is true I won, really love you quarrel with life and death every day, every day at least to hear you say I'm sorry, because you have to let me win. I Haohen he did not cherish you, now I, too late, you do not have this good fortune to cherish. I hate myself Haohen I waited so long to find it consciously. I hate that I did not start on Hello. Each had to hurt you and I apologize, even if it was my fault but also to apologize to you. No one in the world can cope with my temper. But you can, your gentle, compassionate, caring, and patience are used in my body, but I was still bully you, stepping on your head and kill you every time injury. Today I deserve in the end, you end up losing.Now we can not even friends do not succeed, and then before we have lots to talk about, closer than friends.Although we are not even friends such as, I hope one day I can tell you again destined to start again, I hope one day you will come back to give me a chance to let me have a good for you. Good love you. Because now I do not deserve your love. Now I've lost my qualifications make you love.I do not belong to my happiness was not to touch is not required, or the last thing I was injured. Maybe I do not deserve this life is to have a happy.
====Then there's the Greek verison I google translated for fun.06 Όπως είπατε, ότι δεν είχα να σας αγαπάμε πάρα πολύ αργά. Έχουμε γίνει όλοι σε παρελθόντα χρόνο. Λυπάμαι να πω μόνο γεμίσει ένα ουλές πλήρωσης τραύματος. Εάν πραγματικά νομίζετε ότι είναι τόσο σημαντικό το γεγονός ότι δεν θα ήμουν έτσι δεν σέβονται τον λόγο σου μιλήσει, δεν θα έχετε φασαρία. Ειλικρινά ευθεία το σημείο, έχετε μου δίνεται η ευκαιρία δεν ξέρω πόσο. Και λέω σε όλους σας έπεσε σε κουφά αυτιά. Νόμιζα ότι ήταν μια ζωή, αλλά δεν έχω παρατηρήσει πόσο δυστυχισμένο. Δεν ξέρω πόσες φορές έχω να σας βλάψει ή θα με συγχωρήσετε σιωπηλά. Σκέφτηκα για μια στιγμή, θα σας άρεσε η ιδέα στο τέλος εκεί; Καλώ αγαπώ, αγάπη μπροστά σας πω άσχημα πράγματα, αυτό που έχω πει πολλές φορές ότι είναι το ελάττωμά σας, αλλά και την αγάπη για να πω κάτι που θα σας κάνει να αισθάνονται ανασφαλείς λέξεις. Βλάψει την αυτοεκτίμησή σας είναι λυπηρό, δεν υπάρχει καμία αίσθηση της ασφάλειας, καθώς επίσης και αναγκάστηκαν να μου πνίξει, αλλά επίσης μου έδωσε να είναι. Περιμένω πραγματικά δεν αξίζουν συγχώρεση σας. Μαζί τόσο καιρό, εγώ δεν κάνω τη δική της αντίληψη, πραγματικά ήθελε να χτυπήσει τον εαυτό του. Πραγματικά σας ανάλογα με εμένα, θέλω να πάω, θέλω να κάνω κάτι που είναι μαζί μου, όταν θέλω να εργαστώ, αν έχετε χρόνο, θα με συνοδεύσει, βαριέμαι θέλω να συνομιλήσετε, αν μπορείτε, επίσης, θα χρησιμοποιήσει τον πολύτιμο χρόνο τους μαζί μου για το chat του τηλεφώνου, SMS ή μαζί μου όλη την ημέρα αν δεν κενά λόγια. Μπορείτε επιτρέψτε μου βήμα στο κεφάλι σας, έτσι ώστε κάθε φορά που εν αγνοία τους πάτησε πολύ μακριά και να βλάψουν αισθάνεστε λυπημένος με θλίψη. Τώρα, σας ρωτάω τι ακριβώς πίσω σε μένα; Τώρα, πώς μπορώ να σας ρωτήσω ποια είναι τα προσόντα και θα ήμουν πρόθυμος να ξαναρχίσουν; Μεξικό ταξίδι γεμάτο νου καθ 'όλη τη διαδικασία που είναι εκ των υστέρων κάναμε, είπαμε, ήμασταν μαζί, και στη συνέχεια θα καθίσει ακριβώς στη γωνία και να υπενθυμίσει με τύψεις. ΕΧΕ δεν λαμβάνουν την κατάλληλη για εσάς, δεν αγαπάμε. Τώρα είναι πολύ αργά. Όπως λέει το τραγούδι, όπως, τα καλά πράγματα είναι πάντα φυσική ανάγκη να τερματιστεί.Ίσως δεν προορίζονται να είναι μαζί τώρα.Νόμιζα ότι θα προχωρήσουμε περαιτέρω, νομίζω ότι όλοι δίκιο, αλλά έχω ξεχάσει παύση να σας δούμε στο τέλος υψηλή δυστυχισμένο, κοιτάξτε πώς θα αντιμετωπίζονται. Εκτιμώ ότι ο ρυθμός των συναισθημάτων σας, το μόνο που εκτιμούν το ποσοστό των συναισθημάτων τους. Έχω Haohen αρχική απόφασή μου.Η αγάπη πρέπει να είναι γενναιόδωρη, δεν διώξεις. Υπάρχει ένα ρητό που λέει ότι αν αγαπάς κάποιον, θα πρέπει να τον αφήσει να πάει, αν θα προτιμούσε να έρθει πίσω, είναι δική σας, αλλά αν δεν έρθει πίσω, τότε που δεν είχε ανήκει σε σας, και θα πρέπει να τον αφήσει πάει.Έχω Haohen φράση λέξη, γιατί δεν ξέρω γιατί. Για μένα, η αγάπη ένα πρόσωπο είναι εγωιστής, πώς μπορώ να πω Fangjiu Fang; Δεν Αχ, πώς τόσο απλό Αχ. Ειδικά για να δείτε την άλλη πλευρά έχει τελικά μια νέα κοπέλα, η καρδιά μου θα είναι πάντα πόνο. Στο στόμα θα μιλήσει προφανώς για να τους ευχηθώ ευχάριστη θέση, αλλά η καρδιά μου δεν ήταν κακό τρομερά.Πραγματικά δεν ξέρω την αγάπη, εγώ πραγματικά δεν θέλουν να ξέρουν. Ενδιαφέροντα περίπλοκη χάος. Μπορεί να κάνει ένα άτομο να χάσει τον έλεγχο γίνεται ένας ηλίθιος, γιατί Le.Μου αρέσει να διαβάζω, αγαπούν να κατηγορούν κάθε μικρό πράγμα στο κεφάλι σας, μεράκι, αγάπη διαμάχη μαζί σου, τα μικρά πράγματα δεν χρειάζεται να αγωνιστούμε παράλογο κεφάλι έχουν γίνει ένα σημαντικό γεγονός, ασήμαντες σειρά. Μου αρέσει να μιλήσω μαζί σας, η διαμάχη είναι αλήθεια ότι κέρδισε, πραγματικά αγαπώ τσακωθεί με τη ζωή και το θάνατο κάθε μέρα, κάθε μέρα τουλάχιστον να σας ακούσω να πω ότι λυπάμαι, γιατί θα πρέπει να επιτρέψτε μου να κερδίσει. Έχω Haohen ότι δεν σας αγαπάμε, τώρα, πολύ αργά, δεν έχετε αυτήν την καλή τύχη να αγαπάμε. Μισώ τον εαυτό μου Haohen Περίμενα τόσο καιρό να το βρείτε συνειδητά. Μισώ ότι δεν είχα ξεκινήσει στο Hello. Ο καθένας είχε να σας βλάψει και ζητώ συγγνώμη, ακόμη και αν ήταν δικό μου λάθος, αλλά επίσης να ζητήσω συγνώμη από εσάς. Κανείς στον κόσμο δεν μπορεί να αντιμετωπίσει με ψυχραιμία μου. Αλλά μπορείτε, σας απαλή, συμπονετικός, φροντίδα και υπομονή χρησιμοποιούνται στο σώμα μου, αλλά ήμουν ακόμα νταής σας, πάτησε το κεφάλι σας και να σας σκοτώσει κάθε φορά τραυματισμό. Σήμερα αξίζει στο τέλος, θα καταλήξετε να χάσει.Τώρα δεν μπορούμε ακόμη και τους φίλους δεν τα καταφέρουμε, και στη συνέχεια, πριν έχουμε πολλά να συζητήσουμε, πιο κοντά από ό, τι οι φίλοι.Αν και δεν είμαστε ακόμα φίλοι, όπως, ελπίζω μια μέρα να σας πω και πάλι προορίζονται για να ξεκινήσει και πάλι, ελπίζω ότι μια μέρα θα έρθει πίσω για να μου δώσει μια ευκαιρία να επιτρέψτε μου να έχουν ένα καλό για σας. Καλή σας αρέσει. Επειδή τώρα δεν αξίζει την αγάπη σας. Τώρα έχω χάσει τα προσόντα μου σας κάνουν να αγαπήσετε.Δεν ανήκω στην ευτυχία μου δεν ήταν να αγγίξει δεν απαιτείται, ή το τελευταίο πράγμα που τραυματίστηκε. Ίσως δεν αξίζω αυτή τη ζωή είναι να έχουμε μια ευτυχισμένη.

Post Break Up; day 5

Is it normal to feel the way I feel right now after a break up? Is everything I do going to make me think of him? How do you forget one person to start with? It's been a while since I broke up with a love one so its a bit hard. And looking back at all my relationships, the only one I actually broke up from was the recent one. My first boyfriend, we weren't even that close emotional wise, I barely got to know him, and without giving him a chance I just left him. I pretended that everything was okay, and that there was no future between us because he said he was going to join the Navy. I could never see past his flaws, and tend to look down on him all the time. I hated that about myself, but my parents played a huge part in my high school life when it comes to influencing, and my siblings are just not helping when it comes to that part either.

I knew the mistakes I made, that I shouldn't be judging him by that, but I couldn't stop myself. It is really stupid thinking about that now, but I really don't know what else to think about. None of my relationships were ever successful, and I think majority is my fault, and that's something I haven't come in terms with. I always think I am on top of things and that I am the priority when its actually not true. I hate myself and my thought process that tend to drive others to the corner, and I guess that is why I don't have friends because people cannot take my attitude.

It is extremely hard for one to change their behavior not to mention admit it or discover it.

Back to my first, he begged me to stay in the relationship with me, but all I ever do is reject him and hurt him. I don't understand why after all that he still keeps coming back to me. He really does love me at one point, yet I let someone who loved me perfectly well go. In return, I chose someone who hated me, who never liked anyone. If anything, he is quite opposite of me, I guess when you break up with someone, and you try to find rebound, you tend to find someone who is opposite of who your ex used to be. And for me that case was my second boyfriend, which was just a like that soon turned into a two year relationship.

I feel like I have tendency to want to hurt myself, to want to give up what is best for me, and what I want. I don't understand my thinking process and I am stubborn sometimes that it prevents me from seeing what I should've done, and the things I should've change in order to sustain the goods I want to stay in my life. Something I need to work on since the beginning of time that I yet to realize until now. And the chances are, even after today, after typing these and realize this, I will forget about it, or have it on the back of my head that cause me to reenact the whole thing again. It's like, stupid me, never learn from my mistakes. Maybe I do deserve whatever is coming to me, including this break up.

The truth is, this relationship, even though only sustained 5 month, is the one I obtained the most love, and give the most love to. I accept him (present) for the way he is, I see his flaws, and I take them in. I don't look down on him or judge him. It may sound like something everyone should be doing, but not for me. I judge people a lot, and for me to pass that, that is something impressive. I couldn't believe it when I first realized it either, and it shocked me. Of course, the shock didn't last that long, or else I would've had a massive shock attack of some sort.

At this point, I don't even know what I am typing. I don't understand why it helps me think so much clearer once I type it or write it rather than just think about it. Things gets cleared up, and I actually make logic happen instead of just going off of nothing and keep getting butt hurt from everything else.

Sigh, I might as well just get with my blog, at least its like a wall, doesn't need a response, and won't react to my bad attitude. ha.

sigh.

Haunting of the Past

I hate how the human minds work, I hate the constant comparison I have among my ex and my present. I hate how my present doesn’t know how to treat girlfriends correctly, and I hate how me ex used to know how, even though he still doesn’t treat me right. Sometimes when I close my eyes I could see him telling me that no one will ever be able to do the things he does for me, and sometimes I see them and finally understand what he meant. When he said it in the past, I would always laugh, because when I compare him to my first, he was nothing, considering my first loved me to a point where he’d do anything for me. I hate to compare because I feel like I’ll almost always miss my exes over my current. The pros and cons always tend to shift and mix and it bothers me a lot.

My ex knows when I am different from before, he knows when I get mad (maybe not sometimes). He buys me things out of the ordinary, he would spend more than he has, and whenever I am sick, he would drive over to my house and take care of me, or at least try to. However, his temper really kills the famine side of him. He is stubborn, and loves to argue with me about the stupidest thing. He have the worst temper that often leads to him saying break up and me crying on the other side of the phone. It’s literally either we laugh or we fight, nothing else. He doesn’t like to tell him friends about me, he doesn’t like his friends hanging with me. And he wouldn’t introduce me to any of his friends, which angers me because he knows all of mine. There’s a lot of problem with him that really lead our relationship to an dead end. I mean, when you see someone can start a fight over the fact that on a day with no school, he can’t drive to Pasadena to deliver food, and then from that fight, breaks up with someone, you know its serious, and something is definitely wrong with the relationship.  What is worst is no matter how many time he apologizes, they all sound so fake, sound like if those were the ones that wanted to shut me up.

Meanwhile my present, he is patient, and careful. He doesn’t dare cross me. I finally get a voice in the relationship that won’t start an argument every time when we disagree on something. And things are finally not turned to my side as if they were my fault. Regardless of why I am mad, he would apologize. I know that makes his apologies sounds so valueless . My present doesn't have much feel for responsibility , and he sucks at meeting his end of the bargain at a lot of times. He doesn't know how to take care of me when I am sick, he doesn’t buy me cough drops when I cough, he doesn't do a lot of things that my ex would do for me.  He is one of those stereotypical guys you often see, messy, doesn’t know how to clean, spoiled at home only child, and just lots more. He would often get me the cheapest food as he orders himself the best, which sometimes pisses me off because my ex would always think of me when he gets the food, and usually order the highest of price because I like seafood.

To think about this, just how much does my present know me, and just how much more does he want to know and try to care for me? Because as of now, I don’t feel much going on, and it is really leading me to think of things other wise. It’s making me think of leaving him, thinking of my potential husband, its someone I wish that can take care of me, not someone that cannot take care of me and have to have me take care of them constantly. It gets tiring. It really does. What do I do? 

Good bye, "Present"

So finally I am single again, offically. From all those time I post sad posts, to those time I post about stupid things he doesn't understand me doing, now I guess this will be the last post about him. Goodbye "present", you're now offically part of my past.
I guess I will wrap some memories I have of him in this blog post, and seal it from there, no more talks of him as present, no more talks about him as my current. He would be my history, something I once had, once smiled about, and will slowly fade away.
I remember every time he suggested break up, we would end up not breaking up. Not because he never meant it, but because everytime he tries to break up with me, I would end up sobbing to him, lowering my dignity to him, begging him to not leave this relationship. Why? I guess I just never really got used to being alone, and considering being with him for two years into the relationship, its just the fact that you already know so much about each other and the level of understanding is crazy to a point you don't know how you're going to start it again with someone new and achieve that kind of level. I guess he was just part of my comfort zone, something I didn't like losing.
And with the idealology my parents taught me behind, I always look at quantity over quality, like money over love? Since he was this person who is willing to go on any extend to buy me the stuff I want, I guess it just lay me a bonus of not wanting to leave me. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, but then its just his lack of understanding and trying to relate to me frustrates me sometimes (or probably all the time). I never understood him, I don't get why he would often get mad at me when I should be the one getting mad at him. He does things that a boyfriend shouldn't do to their girlfriend, yet when I point it out, he would just give me this look like I take him for granted. I don't, I really don't.
The tiring thing about the relationship I had with him is his expectation. I remember in the very beginning of the relationship, I would always be the one calling him, the one texting him, and when he doesn't reply I would be like hello? Why aren't you replying. And of course, he got annoyed by that very quickly, but then I bothered on, because that's what girlfriends and boyfriends are suppose to do. Then of course, there reached the comfort zone, where you two don't really mind anymore. And once you pass the comfort zone, it's just argument after argument I guess. He started complaining that I don't pay attention to him enough, that I don't call him anymore nor do I text him, but to be honest, it is tiring always being the one to text first, being the one who always calls first. I don't ever remember him calling me because he misses me, I don't remember him ever texted me because he wants to see me, it's always me doing it, and I felt as if I was taken for granted. And of course it's only when you lose someone that you realize how important they were in your life.
You know what kind of bullshit he texted me when he broke up with me?
"For reals over things like this. I was really going to sit down with you tomr and talk about this relationship and how we can maintain it better, but I guess that's fucking pointless now. I don't mind putting more effort into pleasing you but you have no right to get at me when I chose no to considered that amount of efor you put into it for past six month. I don't care whatever the reason it might be to cause you becoming differently in this relationship but I have been waiting for you patiently and now you wanna be an asshole about it then so be it. We are over now, and from this moment on every time you look back at this you will see nothing but regrets. For all the troubles I went though for you. I have no one to blame but myself. I guess at the end I can't really say I hate you, since you did help me grow as a person, so thank you."
So much fake bullshit here that I don't even give a fuck about anymore, if he is this much of a jerk to even put that I will be the one who have nothing but regrets? Who the fuck do you think you are? I will live my life to the fullest with or without you.

Truth be told though, I cried by myself for a while, and I even cried to my friend who I am not even super close to emotionally/mentally. I felt like my world breaking apart at one point, then I don't know why, the following few days, the only person that pops up in my head was Past. He concurred my whole thought process, and I don't know why out of any of the other time I decided to think about him then and there, especially after a break up.
I knew we weren't going to last, I knew that one day we were bound to break up, it was just the matter of time, but then I guess my brain was just never registered to the fact.
It truly gets frustrating when  he pops up when I am the one who hurted him so much. He finally have moved on to someone else, and it would really be messed up of me to try to even attempt to bring him back into my life again and have his heart broken four times . He was my real first love, my longest love, the love I hide away the most, the one I truly inputted effort into. I guess it makes sense for me to think about him. If there was anyone that I was regret towards, he would be the first one, not "present". In fact, he is no where near the first I would feel regret towards. I treated him better than a lot of people would, and I actually let him pressured me. I mean seriously.
In the beginning of the relationship, he threatened me that if I don't have sex with him before our first year anniversary, he would leave me, because it juts proves that I don't love him. How fucked up is that?
It's like, shit, my bad. He said that a year is the longest he would wait and that I was lucky because most guys would just leave me already if I don't have sex with them then and there. I wasn't mentally ready, nor was  I physically ready. I mean he tries to relate to me, saying that he is a virgin too, and that if he is willing to give it to me, I should be willing to give it to him. What the hell? And then he says that he done all those other things for me, and all he asks of me was sex, how hard is that. Look at me, do I look like some kind of prostitute to you? Holy shit. Thinking about all the things he said to me just made me feel less and less regret towards him leaving. I remember when he first tries to take off my pants, and I was like, "no", and he just kept doing it, saying "come on," It had to get me to cry for him to stop, what the hell. After all these he expects me to do more and more, even tried to force me to blow him. And when I say no, his response is, "come on, everytime when you ask me to do something, I always do it, and all I ask is this one thing." And I am just like, "I ask you to visit me, to call me, to read to me sometimes, but I don't ask for things that can even be compared to those, and furthermore, you don't just ask for that, you ask for sex too." And his response was, "That's the same thing, and if not I did more effort, all I ask is two things even so. Come on"

I am not even going to continue this story, let's just end it here. Good bye "present".

Post Chinese New Year Hotpot

Once a year, Chinese family gathers around the dinner table, talking about new year resolution, catching up on things they thought they lost and retaining things they never had. However on this night, things are different. 

Hell. I don't know what's wrong with my sister. She's like bipolar and all those stuff. I mean it's one thing to be bossy but yelling like I'm all at fault is another thing. 

So during the new year dinner of hot pot. I asked for vermicelli because clearly there weren't any in the hotpot. And she was like its in the kitchen if you want it go get it. And I was like okay then, thinking never mind. Right then, she ordered, "go get it". I was like, okay, like gee thanks for trying to ask nicely, because I totally don't need to follow your order and get it. I walked over to the kitchen and gave it a quick glance and saw one last block of vermicelli left and thought oh okay here it is, and I brought it back to the dining room, poured it into the hotpot. Only to realize that everyone screamed. And my mom was like you need to put hot water in it first before placing it into the hotpot. Although everyone said "oh well just let it go" my sister came and grabbed it out of the pot saying that she soaked a bunch of blocks of vermicelli. And lead me to the kitchen saying, "if you don't know, ask. If you don't have the knowledge of it, at least you should have the common sense for this kind of things and ask." I'm like wtf? I did ask, and your the one telling me to go get it, and your the one who always tell me that I need to look for it rather than always asking you. Fuck. I can't please her every time she gets fucking irritated. Can someone teach me how to ease a bipolar in denial married with two kids two faced woman? How can she be so unthoughtful of the things she say? She tells others one thing and tells me the other. She is all nice and kind out side while treating others but leave no mercy when it comes to me. It's like, really now? Really? And for those who are blind like her, if I confront them, they will just be offended and all; what is the point? Truely. I feel like crying because if she can say those things like she meant it, I can't pretend I don't care about it.