06.17.2015 Regrets, Loss, And Grief (下一頁的我)

下一頁的我

Thank you for waking up at 5am to take me to the airport one last time after our breakup.
Despite everything that have happened you are still nice to me, I don't deserve you.

Written on 07/02/201506說想你，說我以前沒有好好的珍惜你都太晚了。我們已經都變成過去式了。說聲對不起只能填一填傷口的結疤。要是我真的覺得你有那麼重要那我就不會那麼不尊重你的一言一語，我也不會對你大驚小怪的。實話說的直一點，你已經給過我不知道多少機會了。而我只把你說的都當成耳邊風。我以為我們是一輩子的，但是我都沒發覺你有多麼多麼的不快樂。我不知道我傷了你多少次了你還是會默默的原諒我。我回想了一下，你到底是看上我的那裡？我很愛罵你，很愛在你前面說你的壞話，什麼是我都經常說是你的錯，還愛說一些讓你感受到沒安全感的話。害你自尊心都悲傷了，安全感也沒了，還要逼的跟我嗆，而且還要被我臭罵一頓。我看起來真的不值得你的原諒。在一起那麼久了，我還沒有自己知覺，真的很想揍自己。你實實都依著我，我想去哪裡，我想做什麼事你都陪我，我要辦事時要是你有空你會陪我，我很無聊想要聊天時，要是你能，你也會用你保貴的時間來陪我在電話上聊天，或者陪我簡訊一整天要是你沒空的話。你讓我踩在你的頭上，讓我每次都不知不覺的踩的太過頭，害你感到悲哀跟傷痛。現在的我，有什麼資格要求你回到我的身邊？現在的我哪有什麼資格再問你願不願意跟我再重新開始？整個墨西哥的程旅滿腦子都是你，都在回想我們做過的事，我們說過的話，我們在一起的時候，然後我就會坐在角落單單和回想跟自責。自責當初沒有好好的對你，沒有好好的珍惜你。現在已經太晚了。像那首歌說的一樣，好的事情也總然需要結束。可能我們不是命中注定要在一起吧。
我以為我們會走的更遠，我以為我們沒事的，可是我都忘記停一下去看你到底高不高興，看一下我怎麼對待你的。我都估率了你的感受，我只有估率自己的感受。我好恨我當初的決定。愛應該是大方的，是不能逼迫的。有句名言說，要是你愛一個人的話，你就得放他走，要是他寧願回來，那就是屬於你的，可是要是他不回來的話那麼他從原本就不屬於你的，而你得讓他走。我好恨那句詞，因為我不懂為什麼。對我來說，愛一個人是自私的，我怎麼能說放就放？不能啊，哪有那麼簡單啊。尤其是看到對方終於有了個新的女朋友，心裏總是會痛。在嘴巴明明說說會祝他們幸福可是心裏還不是會痛的要命。我真的不懂愛，我也真的不想懂。愛好複雜，好亂。可以讓一個人失去理智，變成白癡，何必勒。我愛唸，愛把每件小事都怪在你的頭上，愛計較，愛跟你吵架，把不需要吵架無理頭的小事都變成大事，小事大鬧。我又愛跟你頂嘴，吵架都非虛我贏，還真的愛跟你吵的每天都你死我活，每天都至少會聽你說對不起，因為你都讓我贏。我好恨自己沒有好好的珍惜你，現在的我，已經太晚了，沒有這個福氣去珍惜你。我好恨自己恨我等了這麼久才發現，才自覺。我恨我當初開始沒對你好。害你每次都得和我道歉，就算是我的錯也是你道歉。在世上沒有一個人能應付我的脾氣。可是你就能，你的溫柔，慈悲，貼心，跟耐心都用在我的身上，而我卻還是欺負你，踏在你的頭上，害你每次受傷。我值得今天的下場，失去你的下場。
現在的我們連朋友都當不成，而當時以前的我們有說不完的話，比好朋友更親。
雖然我們現在連朋友都不如，但願有一天我跟你有緣能再度從新開始，但願你有一天會回頭再給我一次機會讓我好好的對你。好好的愛你。因為現在的我不值得得到你的愛。現在的我已經失去讓你愛我的資格。17
不屬於我的幸福我還是不要碰不要求，不然最後受傷的還是我。可能這輩子的我不值得擁有幸福。

So I am too lazy to translate it all to english, and asked my friend, Google translate for help, so don't mind some things not making sense...Like you said, that I had not cherish you too late. We have all become past tense. I'm sorry to say only fill a fill wound scarring. If I really think you are so important that I would not be so do not respect your word spoken, I will not have you fuss. Honestly straight point, you've given me a chance I do not know how much. And I say to you all fell on deaf ears. I thought we were a lifetime, but I have not noticed how much you unhappy. I do not know how many times I hurt you or will you forgive me silently. I thought for a moment, I fancy you in the end there? I call you love, love in front of you say bad things, what I have often said to be your fault, but also love to say something that makes you feel insecure words. Harm your self-esteem are sad, there is no sense of security, and also forced to choke me, but also I gave it to be. I look really do not deserve your forgiveness. Together so long, I do not own perception, really wanted to hit himself. Truly you are depending on me, I want to go, I want to do something you are with me, when I want to work, if you have time you will accompany me, I'm bored I want to chat, if you can, you also you will use the valuable time with me on the phone chat, or SMS with me all day if you do not empty words. You let me step on your head, so that every time I unknowingly stepped on too far and hurt you feel sad with grief. Now, I'm asking you what right back to me? Now how can I ask you what qualifications and I would be willing to re-start? Mexico trip full of mind throughout the process are you in retrospect we did, we have said, we were together, and then I'll just sit in the corner and recall with remorse. ERA did not receive proper for you, you do not cherish. Now it is too late. Like the song says, like, good things are always natural need to end.Perhaps we are not destined to be together now.I thought we would go further, I think we all right, but I have forgotten pause to see you in the end high unhappy, look at how I treated you. I estimate the rate of your feelings, I only estimate the rate of their feelings. I Haohen my original decision.Love should be generous, not persecution. There is a saying that if you love someone, you have to let him go, if he would prefer to come back, it is yours, but if he does not come back, then that he had not belong to you, and you have to let him go.I Haohen phrase word, because I do not know why. For me, love a person is selfish, how can I say Fangjiu Fang? Not ah, how so simple ah. Especially to see the other side finally has a new girlfriend, my heart will always be pain. In the mouth will obviously talk about wish them happy but my heart was not hurt terribly.I really do not know love, I really do not want to know. Hobbies complicated mess. Can make a person lose control becomes an idiot, why Le.I love to read, love to blame every little thing in your head, loving care, love quarrel with you, the little things do not need to fight unreasonable head have become a major event, trivial row. I love to talk back to you, quarrel is true I won, really love you quarrel with life and death every day, every day at least to hear you say I'm sorry, because you have to let me win. I Haohen he did not cherish you, now I, too late, you do not have this good fortune to cherish. I hate myself Haohen I waited so long to find it consciously. I hate that I did not start on Hello. Each had to hurt you and I apologize, even if it was my fault but also to apologize to you. No one in the world can cope with my temper. But you can, your gentle, compassionate, caring, and patience are used in my body, but I was still bully you, stepping on your head and kill you every time injury. Today I deserve in the end, you end up losing.Now we can not even friends do not succeed, and then before we have lots to talk about, closer than friends.Although we are not even friends such as, I hope one day I can tell you again destined to start again, I hope one day you will come back to give me a chance to let me have a good for you. Good love you. Because now I do not deserve your love. Now I've lost my qualifications make you love.I do not belong to my happiness was not to touch is not required, or the last thing I was injured. Maybe I do not deserve this life is to have a happy.
====Then there's the Greek verison I google translated for fun.06 Όπως είπατε, ότι δεν είχα να σας αγαπάμε πάρα πολύ αργά. Έχουμε γίνει όλοι σε παρελθόντα χρόνο. Λυπάμαι να πω μόνο γεμίσει ένα ουλές πλήρωσης τραύματος. Εάν πραγματικά νομίζετε ότι είναι τόσο σημαντικό το γεγονός ότι δεν θα ήμουν έτσι δεν σέβονται τον λόγο σου μιλήσει, δεν θα έχετε φασαρία. Ειλικρινά ευθεία το σημείο, έχετε μου δίνεται η ευκαιρία δεν ξέρω πόσο. Και λέω σε όλους σας έπεσε σε κουφά αυτιά. Νόμιζα ότι ήταν μια ζωή, αλλά δεν έχω παρατηρήσει πόσο δυστυχισμένο. Δεν ξέρω πόσες φορές έχω να σας βλάψει ή θα με συγχωρήσετε σιωπηλά. Σκέφτηκα για μια στιγμή, θα σας άρεσε η ιδέα στο τέλος εκεί; Καλώ αγαπώ, αγάπη μπροστά σας πω άσχημα πράγματα, αυτό που έχω πει πολλές φορές ότι είναι το ελάττωμά σας, αλλά και την αγάπη για να πω κάτι που θα σας κάνει να αισθάνονται ανασφαλείς λέξεις. Βλάψει την αυτοεκτίμησή σας είναι λυπηρό, δεν υπάρχει καμία αίσθηση της ασφάλειας, καθώς επίσης και αναγκάστηκαν να μου πνίξει, αλλά επίσης μου έδωσε να είναι. Περιμένω πραγματικά δεν αξίζουν συγχώρεση σας. Μαζί τόσο καιρό, εγώ δεν κάνω τη δική της αντίληψη, πραγματικά ήθελε να χτυπήσει τον εαυτό του. Πραγματικά σας ανάλογα με εμένα, θέλω να πάω, θέλω να κάνω κάτι που είναι μαζί μου, όταν θέλω να εργαστώ, αν έχετε χρόνο, θα με συνοδεύσει, βαριέμαι θέλω να συνομιλήσετε, αν μπορείτε, επίσης, θα χρησιμοποιήσει τον πολύτιμο χρόνο τους μαζί μου για το chat του τηλεφώνου, SMS ή μαζί μου όλη την ημέρα αν δεν κενά λόγια. Μπορείτε επιτρέψτε μου βήμα στο κεφάλι σας, έτσι ώστε κάθε φορά που εν αγνοία τους πάτησε πολύ μακριά και να βλάψουν αισθάνεστε λυπημένος με θλίψη. Τώρα, σας ρωτάω τι ακριβώς πίσω σε μένα; Τώρα, πώς μπορώ να σας ρωτήσω ποια είναι τα προσόντα και θα ήμουν πρόθυμος να ξαναρχίσουν; Μεξικό ταξίδι γεμάτο νου καθ 'όλη τη διαδικασία που είναι εκ των υστέρων κάναμε, είπαμε, ήμασταν μαζί, και στη συνέχεια θα καθίσει ακριβώς στη γωνία και να υπενθυμίσει με τύψεις. ΕΧΕ δεν λαμβάνουν την κατάλληλη για εσάς, δεν αγαπάμε. Τώρα είναι πολύ αργά. Όπως λέει το τραγούδι, όπως, τα καλά πράγματα είναι πάντα φυσική ανάγκη να τερματιστεί.Ίσως δεν προορίζονται να είναι μαζί τώρα.Νόμιζα ότι θα προχωρήσουμε περαιτέρω, νομίζω ότι όλοι δίκιο, αλλά έχω ξεχάσει παύση να σας δούμε στο τέλος υψηλή δυστυχισμένο, κοιτάξτε πώς θα αντιμετωπίζονται. Εκτιμώ ότι ο ρυθμός των συναισθημάτων σας, το μόνο που εκτιμούν το ποσοστό των συναισθημάτων τους. Έχω Haohen αρχική απόφασή μου.Η αγάπη πρέπει να είναι γενναιόδωρη, δεν διώξεις. Υπάρχει ένα ρητό που λέει ότι αν αγαπάς κάποιον, θα πρέπει να τον αφήσει να πάει, αν θα προτιμούσε να έρθει πίσω, είναι δική σας, αλλά αν δεν έρθει πίσω, τότε που δεν είχε ανήκει σε σας, και θα πρέπει να τον αφήσει πάει.Έχω Haohen φράση λέξη, γιατί δεν ξέρω γιατί. Για μένα, η αγάπη ένα πρόσωπο είναι εγωιστής, πώς μπορώ να πω Fangjiu Fang; Δεν Αχ, πώς τόσο απλό Αχ. Ειδικά για να δείτε την άλλη πλευρά έχει τελικά μια νέα κοπέλα, η καρδιά μου θα είναι πάντα πόνο. Στο στόμα θα μιλήσει προφανώς για να τους ευχηθώ ευχάριστη θέση, αλλά η καρδιά μου δεν ήταν κακό τρομερά.Πραγματικά δεν ξέρω την αγάπη, εγώ πραγματικά δεν θέλουν να ξέρουν. Ενδιαφέροντα περίπλοκη χάος. Μπορεί να κάνει ένα άτομο να χάσει τον έλεγχο γίνεται ένας ηλίθιος, γιατί Le.Μου αρέσει να διαβάζω, αγαπούν να κατηγορούν κάθε μικρό πράγμα στο κεφάλι σας, μεράκι, αγάπη διαμάχη μαζί σου, τα μικρά πράγματα δεν χρειάζεται να αγωνιστούμε παράλογο κεφάλι έχουν γίνει ένα σημαντικό γεγονός, ασήμαντες σειρά. Μου αρέσει να μιλήσω μαζί σας, η διαμάχη είναι αλήθεια ότι κέρδισε, πραγματικά αγαπώ τσακωθεί με τη ζωή και το θάνατο κάθε μέρα, κάθε μέρα τουλάχιστον να σας ακούσω να πω ότι λυπάμαι, γιατί θα πρέπει να επιτρέψτε μου να κερδίσει. Έχω Haohen ότι δεν σας αγαπάμε, τώρα, πολύ αργά, δεν έχετε αυτήν την καλή τύχη να αγαπάμε. Μισώ τον εαυτό μου Haohen Περίμενα τόσο καιρό να το βρείτε συνειδητά. Μισώ ότι δεν είχα ξεκινήσει στο Hello. Ο καθένας είχε να σας βλάψει και ζητώ συγγνώμη, ακόμη και αν ήταν δικό μου λάθος, αλλά επίσης να ζητήσω συγνώμη από εσάς. Κανείς στον κόσμο δεν μπορεί να αντιμετωπίσει με ψυχραιμία μου. Αλλά μπορείτε, σας απαλή, συμπονετικός, φροντίδα και υπομονή χρησιμοποιούνται στο σώμα μου, αλλά ήμουν ακόμα νταής σας, πάτησε το κεφάλι σας και να σας σκοτώσει κάθε φορά τραυματισμό. Σήμερα αξίζει στο τέλος, θα καταλήξετε να χάσει.Τώρα δεν μπορούμε ακόμη και τους φίλους δεν τα καταφέρουμε, και στη συνέχεια, πριν έχουμε πολλά να συζητήσουμε, πιο κοντά από ό, τι οι φίλοι.Αν και δεν είμαστε ακόμα φίλοι, όπως, ελπίζω μια μέρα να σας πω και πάλι προορίζονται για να ξεκινήσει και πάλι, ελπίζω ότι μια μέρα θα έρθει πίσω για να μου δώσει μια ευκαιρία να επιτρέψτε μου να έχουν ένα καλό για σας. Καλή σας αρέσει. Επειδή τώρα δεν αξίζει την αγάπη σας. Τώρα έχω χάσει τα προσόντα μου σας κάνουν να αγαπήσετε.Δεν ανήκω στην ευτυχία μου δεν ήταν να αγγίξει δεν απαιτείται, ή το τελευταίο πράγμα που τραυματίστηκε. Ίσως δεν αξίζω αυτή τη ζωή είναι να έχουμε μια ευτυχισμένη.

The Break Up before Christmas

There is a lot of things I honestly don't think I'd ever understand about relationships, but one of the biggest thing is, if two love each other, why wouldthey let each other go like that? Present, who I thought would last longer, who I thought was able to work out with me obviously didn't. Maybe it's because of my attitude (it is, probably 70% because of that), and just the fact that I am extremely unreasonable.
He claims that during the relationship, he lost himself, he lost his priority, and he lost everything he ever cared for before the relationship. And it's true, because of the relationship with me, he dropped math twice, and with the D he got in Fall 2013 (while taking the same math class as me), it marks the 3 strike rule and made him unable to take the same math class at the same college. And that caused him to have to take it at a different college, only to have him drop it again later on that semester, because he couldn't spare time for the class, espeically with the fact that it's in the early morning just doesn't help (since our hangout usually ends late).
After talking to my favorite couple of the century, let's just call them Candice and Kaito. It made me felt how unresovled me and my Present's problem were, how we couldve done it better than just break it there. They have their own struggles, from finaicial struggle to other things like school and etc. Making it extremely hard for them to have time for each other, but they still end up having time for each other. As crazy as it sounds, they been together for what? Nearly two years or something like that, yet we can't even get through 5 month without a talk of breakup. It's really interesting after talking to them, because they have actually struggled through more in the relationship, but they tolerated and try to find a way to see each other even through there is a lot of struggle. Candice, with financial struggle, works three jobs not including student governemnt just to try to help pay bills around the house, making it nearly impossible to hangout with Kaito, her boyfriend. The only time they ever hangout is probably late at night when he picks her up from either work or school, which is the sweetest thing since they live so far away from the college, and he is willing to drive all the way to pick her up. I admire them, but I can't compare our relationship with theirs because they were really close friends before getting together, so I mean when you're already mentally close with them, communication is the least of your issues, so is working through your problems.
What bothered me a lot is when I think about Present's fear of being unable to handle things. It led him to believing that he is unable to be in relationship and work at the same time. Yeah, he is an engineer major, and have a strong desire to work on projects, which he haven't done for a while because of all the other things, he have an internship which he can't focus on fully (well okay i never really forced him to ditch it, he insist on staying the second time, and the first time he left early, and it ended up not really for me anyways), and with student government (which he screws up a lot in because maybe I kept him up late at night and take up a lot ofhis time and stuff), plus family (which he is never there for because he rather hangout with his friends, me, or go to school events than stay at home. At a point in his life, which was recently, he actually wants to find a job just to move out and try living his own life. Yeah, I understand he want to try to gain independence, do what he wants, and not be controlled by his family, but what he doesn't understand, well to me anyways is how he should treasure the time he is able to actually be in that house. I mean there are lots of time where he can go independent after he transfers, not now, because that'd just be stupid, especially when he lives 5 minute away from the school. I mean he might as well use all that energy and effor for school than to have the desire to find a job and move out. I mean its not like his parents harrase him or anything anyways.) But pretty much, from all the concerns there is up there, many he leads it back to the relationshtip, and he never talks with me about it. It isn't one's job to try to figure out the problem, but two's job to try to communicate and solve it together, and he isn't doing exactly that, which fustrates me. He rather run away from the relationship, thinking that he would half ass the relationship, and believing that he won't end up being true to himself by sticking with the relationship than try to work it out. I mean if we still loved each other, which obviously was true, then I don't see why there is a break up that is needed. I rememeber from that night, I kept wanting to not let him go, but only result in him pushing me away, and all he says are either "no, no matter what you say, my mind is already set", "you can't hold on to me forever", "this is just gonna make it harder on you", "if you truly love someone, let them go"..etc (there were more, but then I think these were used way more than the rest that were said.
First of all, I never really understood the "if you love someone, let them go" part. If i love someone, I find ways to try to make it work, and if it truly doesn't work, then yeah I will be understanding to the situation, but he haven't even tried and he already move on to the let it go part. And there is a second part to it, "if they come back, then they're for you to keep...blah blah blah" but I feel like under Present's definition, once Iet him go, he is going to never come back. He is the type of person that is stubborn on the things he say, and I am stubborn too, so I guess i kinda understand how it works. Too much self pride to be giving it up.
I recall that day of the break up, he keeps saying that I devalue myself by keep begging him to stay. He told me that I should have more self-respect than that, and I shouldn't be so selfish to the point where I can't even  let him go, because, and I quote "he doesn't even want a relationship, he isn't ready for it, and it is because of the relationship that made him lose a sight of who he is, and what he believes in. Because of this relationship, he lost track of his priority."
When I heard it, I knew it was true for some of them, and I kind of understood how he felt, it made me want to be there for him, want to help him through the rough time. I want to be by his side even though he doesn't belive it will work out for the best. I am willing to give up time with him, I just simply want to be by his side like how he have been by mine through my rough time. But no mattered what I felt, I felt its too late for them, because he have his mind set on it, and to him, there is no other solution around it than to break it.
Part of me tells me that I should leave him alone, and give him time, but another part of me just wish that he gives us one more chance, and not a one day chance like he did then, but a chance through a time period where he can decide for himself whether or not its working. It hurts so much, being broken up with two days before christmas, it hurts so much to see peopel toast to their love ones, blessing the new upcoming year, and you have no love one to think of to toast to. It hurts to rememeber inside jokes and want to share with someone only to realize they are not avaliable for you to share it with.
Some part of me tells me that everything is going to be okay, that eventually it will turn out for the best, and that I should stop worrying, but another part of me just wishes that everything isn't like this, and that he wouldn't have broken up with me that fast, and that if I hadn't ask him to come over that night things wouldn't have turned out like that.
I don't know anymore, I don't know how i am suppose to feel at this point. Coming over to my sister's house, and in the room was the doll he gave to me when he first asked me to be his girlfriend just makes everything worst. I mean in a sense there was closure looking at it, but there's spots where it pains to think about it. It's funny how stupidly happy we were back then, how innocent we were then, if back then we were to see what is going to happen 5 month from now, I wonder if we'd make the same move, the same choices to get where we are today. Or would we choose to stop it there, and make it painless.
If we were to get together a year earlier when in math class, would things have turned out differently? If he was to actually get my text, and I was able to agree to hangout with him, and things have turned out for the best, would we have still broken up 5 month later? There were so many different point of my life where I wondered so much about that, wondered what I could've done differently, and what happens if none of these ever happened.
What if I went to cal state LA instead of where I went today? Meet different types of people, and wouldn't have any of these experiences I had experienced. There's just so much things going through my head that it hurts to look back into it.
I wonder what he is thinking about right now, and what he have been thinking these past few days, and how he dealt with the break up. Probably better than me.
Probably...
Its been a while since a wrote, but then there has been so much going on, writing is just not on top of my list.

Cultural Difference

We been through a long time together. Been through the happy times and the sad times. It is crazy how fast time past, and yet we change even though we are still in the same place. There are a lot of things I still dont understand. Including life.

I am in a official relationship with the guy I am happy to call him my present. He is someone I am willing to accept, someone who I would spend my money for if I have to, and someone who I don't ask much from knowing he is kinda broke.

There are things which I hate about him, he is a lot of a guy, which is something I am not used to. All the people I dated, although are guys, tends to act more feminine, so when my Present came into my life, it was really weird because of how different he was from my ex. Although sometimes I would compare him to my two past, and sometime gets sad about it because I just can't see him taking care of me the way the other two in my past would. My present can't even care for himself, which worries me. He chooses to party before everything else at times. He doesn't always make the wisest choice, and he likes to have fun more than thinking about the consequencce.

The most I worry about is that he is of another race. And not just any other race either, he is mexican. I mean don't get me wrong, my best friends are Mexican, and I love them, but its just having to survive with them, and maybe last a life time, the difference in culture and food worries me. Because I know he is not going to marry into an Asian household, and similarly I wouldn't want to be married into a Mexican household. He is catholic, although thank god he is not one of those super religious people, meanwhile I don't even know if I practice a religion.

Culture difference is already enough to worry about, if I end up ,marrying this guy, I also have to worry about religious difference? I mean obviously he would respect me and not force me to go into Catholic, but its just the fact that there are still certain ritual that makes me worry.

One thing many doesn't know, including my present is that I hate Mexican food or I mean just dislike. One thing I cannot take is beans, their cooked texture is just so weird. So when my best friends and boyfriend are Mexican, and wants to bring me to get mexican food. I am just like wtf am I suppose to order when I don't even know what they have. And then I see them ordering fluently it scares the crap out of me. I hate ordering in front of certain people, which mostly entails any of my boyfriends.

Thinking about all this worries me, it makes me think about life. Every time when I feel insecure because he hangs out with his best friend, which is a girl who I don't know, it makes me worry. I know he is not the cheating type, but with the fact that he is closer to her than me, and would sit next to her and talk to her while we're in the same office instead of me, it would hurt a lot.I hate having these kind of feelings but they just happen.

But that's another story for another time.
Time to study for finals, good luck everyone who's reading this on your finals! #collegelife

First of Everything

This had always been somewhere in my head, but then it just never came to me this strong until now. My just recently became ex versus my just recently became my current really did get me thinking. Let's just call my recently became ex Jake and recently became current Liam for clarification purposes. 

Jake had been the boyfriend I dated the longest, and because by first never really rose any expectation besides the fact that he’d do nearly anything for me. And thus, making me compare to him often when Jake does selfish things or be as stubborn as he is. Meanwhile Liam, although never been in a relationship, had always been a nice guy in a sense. Liam doesn’t know how to treat girls, especially girlfriends. He also doesn’t have the boundaries one should have especially when it comes to commitments and such.

Liam, have made countless mistakes during the past few months that it stresses me. Causes me to question whether or not it was a good idea to start it with him in the first place. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like him a lot, but just seeing how he can’t really treat girls right, and when I mean girls I meant me just pisses me off.

Then I look at my most current crush whom I give up on. Let’s call him Ed for now. It wasn’t his look that got me into Ed in the first place, because when I first met him, I didn’t have these feelings I had recently. It was the prolonged time spending together that got me liking him more and more. And of course, slowly, falling for him and his personality. It’s funny, because I think he is the first person I fell for the personality first, he is also one of the longest crush I have had that showed some sort of interest in me and was willing to pay for everything during our first “hangout”.

To talk about this, we have to rewind back to the date we had, or the “hangout”, or so we call it that. It felt a bit like a date because he paid for the tickets and offered to buy me food in the theater. Even after I refuse, he purchases a giant water bottle for me, which probably costed around $3 dollars because the total came out to be $17 or so dollars when the only thing he bought were a plastic square bag of M&Ms that market value probably costed $2-$2.50 max, a box of sour patch you’d see in the 99 cent store, and two large water bottle, those good quality ones too, that is probably marketed $2 dollars but all charged probably double or triple the price. During the movie,  I got to admit there were many awkward moments, and by the ending, there were millisecond moments where we could’ve probably kissed, but I held back because I never really been on a date date like that before. Not to sound stupid, but I didn’t know what to do, especially in situations like that. The night ended with a goodbye, when we arrived at my house, I got out only to see his disappointed face when I opened the door, “oh we’re not staying in the car? That’s fine” but of course who knew if he was serious about that or not.

But when I saw him taking off, in my stomach, something just doesn’t sit right. In my head, I knew this was it, and if anything were to happen it had to be today because I would probably not hangout with him ever again after this due to the fact that school is starting on one hand, and he works on most days that I am free. And with his raincheck rate, it usually takes forever to schedule a hangout with him in the first place.

So after countless moments of thinking, I decided to dial his number, and closed my eyes, hoping I don’t mess it up. When he picked up the phone, my heart raced to the top of my skull as I can feel the blood of nervousness just pumping through telling me all sort of thoughts and sanrio of how this all could’ve gone.

I told him from one of the classic out of the book for an underage ish type of people. Typical reason, “I left my keys in my house, and my parents aren’t home, I am locked out of my house”

His first response was “oh shit,” and second was, “let me get off of the nearest exit and go back.”

Without second question or doubt, and that’s the type of people I like. Gentlemen and just considerate. Especially with those kind of things, I mean a lot of douche bags would just be like, oh locked out? Sucks for you, too bad. But Ed actually comes back to you. And I am quite grateful for that. Which is why after the first date, it made me want to ask him to a second although knowing it’s a bit impossible.

Why is he driving me crazy. I hate love.

Throwback them feels

I am listening to "想你的夜 - Miss You Nights (Jason Chen Cover)" from soundcloud, something I just recently got into. But then just from listening to the song, it brings out so much emotion from the inside. The past, the recent past, and the current, its been such a mix that even now I still don't know for certain what I am doing.

伤感好声音-Deejay Kenny

I am just going to be dropping off songs here and there for listening and emotions at that moment purposes. As many may figure now that I am asian and yes I do speak and understand Mandarin, but that is as much as I will go for now.

To be honest, I lived my life thinking about the stupidiest things, worry about the things I really don't need to worry and not worry about things I don't worry about. Thinking past, sometimes I really just want to close my eyes and escape from this world. From all my past experiences in relationship, I never really had a successful one that I looked back at and said, "wow, that was once an amazing relationship." I dropped the first relationship that meant the world to me and took me nearly a decade to get, and went for a loveless relationship. Of course that didn't turn out well as all, I mean if you are only in it for the benefit of the relationship  just exactly how much can you get out of that relationship?

記得

When I first started my first relationship, it was with my first true love in the United States. I loved him for the longest time. I loved him like no one else. The degree of love I had for him was beyond compare, but of course, I was too shy, and I guess I couldn't handle my emotions, I loved him to a point where I was afraid to get into a relationship with up, but of course you wouldn't want to lose him either. So I was stuck in this midpoint in which I am chasing him while making sure he doesn't notice I am chasing him and let him chases me.

彩虹 - A木B

It's really stupid to think about it, I waited 5, 6 years for this relationship. I kept myself away from him, acting upon my brainless brain rather than acting upon my heart. I remembered how happy I was when it first all started.

Expectations ; la douleur

It's one of those sometimes that make you realize, throught influences you would expect so much more from a person. From driving all the way there to visit you to valentine chocolate anydays, but regardless, everyone compares their own relationship to another. It could be fictional, or it could be nonfiction. But whatever it is, it makes us wonder not just about the society, but ourselves as well. You can live on your life denying the fact that somebody else influenced you to become the way you are, but you know and cannot deny that somewhere deep within you, you have the desire to achieve forward, into what you think is a better and more valuable relationship where you're being rather than "whatever"ed, you're being treasured. 

There are few friends I see in the relationship that had this great guy in their lives who would just do anything for them. From waiting after every so often to the Kim Possible motto, "call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me". Sometimes I feel like my relationship doesn't achieve in such a great way in compare to those, sometimes I felt like it couldn't even compare to the last one I am in, and the last one I am in, we barely did anything. And maybe that's is the problem itself. Because the last relationship lasted shorter and infact we didn't even get to know each other well to a point to get into an argument. The only thing I remember from tearing are the facts that he sometimes doesn't understand me, but then that's all that there is. And to be honest, I loved him too much. 

From experiences, "too much expectations, too much pain". So pretty much expectation is a part of pain. You expect too much, and then they don't meet up to your expectation, BAM, a scar right in the center of your heart. 

I sometimes tend to wonder about how life is without a boyfriend, or actually being single to date, yes it may sound like the stupidest thing to think about, but to the ones who are in troubled relationship, it's the best thing to think about as of now. We all been through a lot in our lives, but one thing that no matter how much we been through we don't learn from is comparing other people's lives to yours. I mean even from the beginning, comparing lives of others to yours isn't even comparable in the first place. Other people is other people, and you are you. There's always pro and cons to life. Sometimes don't you ever think, "oh thank god that wasn't me." Or like, "thank god that's not my parents." Or even, "thank god I don't live in the same situation." Because the truth is, you know your life is better, at point to point if you're to compare with everyone. There's gotta be fruits one some part of the tree that are sweet. You just need to stop and look around.  

dating ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

       I really don't know if I should be happy or sad. I mean to be honest. Today had its balance, but also confusion, argument, anger, depression, jealousy and many other more things. To be honest, today was the true balancing day of my life. I hit the low and I hit the high.
       Today started off okay with parents gone and everything, then follow by lunch with brother and brother in law's family. Thing seems all great until going to the autoshop. Parents refuse to pay $101 dollar to fix my bottom plastic bumper thingy that kinda half came off because I hit a dip too hard. I grew attitude, though it's embarrasing probably to them, but they still ignored it. Adrian, a latino who came from Mexico two years or so ago was chatting with me before I got depress and we kinda made a friendship bond. And with that, he helped taped my front thingy with my tape that I brought. So here I am giving Adrian a SPECIAL SHOUT OUT!! THANKS ADRIAN FOR MAKING MY MORNING AND AFTERNOON!!
      On the way back, my mom begun to nag about my attitude towards things. How I am not grateful for the things I have, and how much worst my siblings had it, and how wasteful I am with money. I grew angrier and angrier. I told her, "How in the world am I the one who is wasteful? I practically spend money on anything, and I never ask you guys for anything. I don't ask you guys for cell phone, I don't ask you guys for eletronics, I dont ask you guys for toys or games. I don't even complain about what all my friends have that I dont have. Even what all my nieces and nephews have that I dont have. I don't see why you're being like this."
      And with that in mind, as we came home, I was already face covered with tears and anger. I waited for everyone to get out of the car and locked the door and grabbed the trashcan up while nagging at my mom's arguement. My dad on the other hand tried to be the peace maker by telling me, "That's not what your mom meant, she just meant since you're a new driver and doesnt know the basics we want you to learn and become stable in dirving first, and when you can drive the car safely I'll buy you and brand new car okay?" That actually soothed a lot of my anger away but I was still offended.
      That evening under request I went and crashed guy A and my best friend(B)'s date because I was really depress and didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go home to the place where no warmth existed, no care and no family.B agreed, and I got to say, that was the best decision she ever made. As we hung out, meet point started at B's house, then we met with the guys (A and his friend C) at fluff ice and went on from there. As we finally decided on a restruant, we went only to realize that they didn't go in to save seats for us.
      The main point came when by the end of the dinner, A paid for C's meal meanwhile he didnt even think about paying for his date's meal, which was B. B and I literally dropped our jaws in surprise, and just stared at him. Because B and I shared a meal, escencially it is cheaper than C's and yet he didn't think to treat her meal.
      B decided to head to a boba place or tea house after to hang out, and while driving there all complaining about how he'd rather treat a friend than a date. And sadly, I had to stand on her side for that. I told B, that she got to be straight forward and tell him how she feels so then he would change for him, because truthfully, that's the same or simliar issue happening between me and current, present. And truth is, I want them to realize a bit earlier so they would get use to it unlike me.
      At the end of the whole hangout, I was proud of A as he treated and paid for all of us including me! I was happy, haha but the most importantly, it widened B's eyes. She thought that he would've never changed, and what do you know? He changed! As we headed back to the parking lot, due to my forcement, they begun to hold hands...well, its a start, just hooking hands I guess counts too, since to them holding hands are too awkward. But then as he walks us to our car, I insisted a hug before A heads off, I told B forcefully, "If you two don't hug, I am not going home." So, they hugged, behind a pole to hide, but it was so cute!
     I myself got a little jealous, I mean all the courage these two had with each other, I would never have with anyone. I am so jealous of their kind of honest relationship, and jealous of the fact that A changed so much in a day for her. Sigh. Past, current, present, I am confused.

and now out of no where its pouring. sighs. oh raining 11:56pm

It was now I realized, I have techincally never really dated anyone before starting of an relationship, it just someone starts around the time of dating. Sighs.

shine ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя (happiness)

      This isn't a talk about depression, nor a talk of complain, but instead happiness that shines bright within me right now. Shines away all the darkness. Today, hanging out with old friends from high school shown my true happiness. Though meeting so many people in college, not one person can replace or fit in a place where these two idiots of mine that always makes me smile and tries their best cheering me up at times. I dont know what I would do without them. So this article is especially written for them. Though they will probably never find this blog, or ever read it, I feel like its my obligation to write it down here as my feelings you know.
      Hanging out all the time sure makes the friendship stronger than before, but then hanging out once every rare occasion makes everything special. I finally realize it isnt the amount of times you hang with someone but your feeling towards them. A little of double meaning there, but then of course only I would get it, because afterall, its relating to something i been hiding deep within myself. Something I probably will never reveal to anyone in the world.
      One terrible thing that happened today though it while driving and turning at this intersection, since i was running a bit late I didn't slow down at a turn, and there was a dip right there. By driving 30 miles per hour it really isnt something safe to talk about. But anyhow, there was this huge bomb noise, super loud, and I was scared, literally, and i think everyone else was too. After that I kept hearing scratching noise, loud ones. I was scared of the fact that it might be coming out from the car, scaring of the fact that my bumper was the one that fell. As i parked on the side of the road, I realize it was something that was plastic that was under the car, behind the bumper (thank god it wasn't the bumper, or else my parents would kill me and murder me.) but anyways I panicked because the truth is I cant really drive anywhere with a plastic protector of the bottom of the car, half lingering and half still up and fine you know. Nor did I have the tool to untwist the thing that held those two halves together.
      I knew I couldn't drive all the way to school like that, because its 30 minutes away. So I decided to run into the private school near the street, but to realize I have no idea where the entrance was. It was then I saw this one latino man walking down the sidewalk. Chance! I thought to myself as I yelled towards his direction. "Hi, uhm can I borrow your phone?" He seemed a bit stranged out and confused, I mean if it was me I would too. And plus stranger danger even though I am the younger one here. As I pointed to my car, he then broke through the awkward zone and came offering his help, and ripped the half of the protector off and explained how it wouldn't cause a problem because that was only used as a protector.
      It was then, i begun to drive more cautiously than usual that day, but at the same time felt lucky and thankful towards life. I mean how lucky am I to find someone who would actually offer help and come by an empty sidewalk. Today is a good day. Thank you lord, god, and budda, espeically mommy for blessing me on such a lovely thursday.
      All I can say is...as a conclusion, there is hope for human kind! (haha jk its a joke conclusion, just ignore this line haha)

My Mother's Life, an inspirational yet touching true story of her life. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      The pain, the suffer, the sacrifice. This article is going to be special, this article is written dedicated for my mother, whom I knew would never read this, but still she's a true hero. With all due respect, please do not take this article without permission, and if use any, please credit my mom at least for it.
      My mother started off her childhood not easy, having 4 siblings, she was in the middle. Out of all her silbings, she was the one who was the least spoiled, she was the one who faced most of the harshest things that anyone could have faced in the society of poor. She, is a really unique girl who deserves more than she have right now, she deserves a better man than my father.
      Her mother to start off would always spoil the others when they ask her for money. Unlike her other silbings, asking her mother for money, she went off joining the malitary in Taiwan and became a nurse after with all the money that was gained through everything she would give most of them to her mother, leaving her self with barely enough to live. The greedy sisters would still continueiously seek her mother for money, and secretly the mother, weak as she was already, would give it to them when the whole purpose of those money was for her so that she would be able to live a good life.
      In her mid-age, she met my dad, which then I dont know how, never asked, it would be too awkward to ask anyways. Maybe Ill ask my dad later on in life, but not now. Meeting my dad in the medical field while around malitary wasn't really a good idea. And definately marrying him wasnt a good idea either.
      As my mother pursues her nursing later on in the United States, she knew little than enough to keep her alive. Yet somehow manages to survive. She was defaintely a great role model. She entered the United States, with a little cash, a little knowledge of its foreign language, and no one to take her around, she was literally lost, didn't know where to go. And back then, Asians migrating wasn't even a big thing. Barely any Asian were at California then.
      When her career was finally stable enough, she moved her three children to the United States for better education with the citizenship she gained. Another wrong decision she made by settling in the US and leaving her husband back in Taiwan to work, intrusting him in the relationship and the family. It wasn't long before he began to flirt, and soon enough cheat on her. Who knew how long this have been going on, but then it was one of those times where protection wasn't enough and an accident happened. And that's where I came into the story. Yup, you would think the whole time, the mother I talked about is my biological mother? Wrong. It was my adoptive mother who learn to love and forgive in a sense and allow me into her life.
      It was on one of those typical days where one of her friend needed someone to look after her grandmother and asked my mom to help out. That's where the surprise visit came in. It was because of my mother's surprise visit back to Taiwan made her saw what happened. That's where I came in to the story for real in life form. That was the time when I was about to come out of the womb and mother had no one to call but my dad,and sadly, she was there as well when it took place. And according to her, she was the first one to held me in her arms, all along, thinking that it was my mom who held me, thinking that she was the bigger person in the picture. In fact it was actually mother herself. After everything was settled, when everything have calmed itself, one person that wasn't calm was mother. She didn't know what to do. That was the downest part of her life. No the struggle she had coming to the US, not the fear of not knowing anyone and having to survive in a foregin country, but facing her husband cheating on her and having a bastard child. It was then, thanks to Buddhism that calmed her down completely, if it wasn't for them, mother wouldn't have made it until today.
      He never comforted her, he never really sincerely apologized either. And that left a huge mark on her. I mean if I was the one, I would have left everything and just return back to US with a divorcement and start new. But mother did, she stayed and settled, trying to forget and forgive. Though there's always this mark of scar on her, but then she hid it well, all these 18 years, I wonder how she survived. The more I learned about the truth, the more guilt I felt. I was the stone in their relationship, if my existent wasn't present, then this family may have a chance to live happier than ever, but then again, that would mean my dad may continuously cheat. Oh well, maybe this was all fate in a sense.
      Now today, why did I out of no where wrote this article? My parents once again broke into a huge fight with my dad starting everything with greed. He cared about himself more than others, and money obviously more than his wife.  I really do feel bad for my mom, it was at that time I wish I had a job already, and a place of my own, a place where mother can come and escape all these miserable hell. But then again, I am just a 18 years old with all the "irresponsible" marks on my head, what can I possibly do? I feel like punching my dad hard, hoping that he would get some sense in his system. I wished for powers to change my dad's mindset, and become a good husband, but then again, those are just wishes not things that can be done easily.
      At this point in life, I began to feel thankful, not just because I have a life already given at the palm of my hand, but a good life, a life many like my mother would be jealous of. A life where guys that are really truely after me, and the ones that I have been with are all good and not bad influences. That I have extreme luck, though there are down hill many time, but the uphill is really rewoarding. Thank you for everything you have done mother, you are truely a hero in my heart, the only thing i regret is not being able to be your friend and be there to talk with you about these and make you feel better. Making work the only escape place, the only paradise to escape from troubles. I am sorry.

Desperation; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      It's amazing how far desperation can take us. Desperation, sometimes leads us to jealousy, sometimes leads so low mean cruel things and tactics you may never or could never imagine. Desperation sometimes leads to disasters, its those that lead us to. What's that phrase called? Uh, desperate time comes desperate needs? Yeah that is the phrase.
      Having a friend who is desperate for hangout with guys friends, no way. I guess there's always a reason why i hated her after getting to know her. The feeling wasn't clear until recently, more and more acts tends to show its obviousness when it hits the surface. I tend to question myself at times, what is it that i resemble with her? what is it that cause me to attract such a friend. I mean like they say, you are your friends. There's obviously a bond that keeps you guys together. It may be desperation as well, it may be because we're both desperate for friend, or we are both evil in ways which i tend to hide, but either way, still.
      She invites a group of guys, to be exact, three. One straight forward with no thinking of anything else, one is just forward about things and another that is just a plain pervert. I tend to wonder sometimes, why am I in this in the first place. Me and my other friend both disagree to the fact that she was going to invite the three guys, but then I guess in another sense of desperation she invites them anyways. Like come on, me and my friend, lets just call her A, me and A constantly tells her about not wanting to invite them but no matter what she insisted. Then what happens when they come? Disasters. Yeah, disasters. The straightforward one just went off blasting about how crappy the movie we were watching was, the other guy who's just forward on thing said it was boring and he might as well read the manga and then got bored of it. Then there's the pervert talking while harassing the friend B. I really felt like screaming and just leave the house and make them feel awkward and sorry, but i didn't  i stayed like a good audience. Mad at friend B, no matter how sorry she was I couldn't forgive her for that, not now, not later. And to make things worst, i actually trusted her enough to reply to her to only find out that she shows my text to other people. Can you believe that? Even I myself couldn't believe such thing. Like come on, if i was complaining about them as a best friend you wouldn't do that to betray each other right? Well I guess I was wrong. and of course things are just too obvious. I hate my life, I have like three paper due on Monday well that's supposingly and since I don't have school that day well cram cram cram! Anyways speaking of that there's always the other things like....HOMEWORK DUE ON TUESDAY. self stab

well until next time..

-remain unnamed.

Parallel Universe. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

 "Don't act like your single if you want to be in a relationship"

      I find that truthfully true, because to be honest, who will want their opposite date to be someone who flirts with other girls? If my boyfriend were to flirt to a certain extend, then I truely dont think he should date.
      There's a limit to things, to all things, and sometimes we tend to drag it a little further each time when we know that we wouldn't get in trouble. But its from those times where we decide to take one step more beyond limit that we end up in heartbreak. Today morning when my boyfriend acting like a morning alarm, waking up early, wearing boxer to the kitchen to call me giving me a wake up call without waking up his roommates in the cold, instead of getting a thanks for doing this or any appreciation at all we ended up getting into fights because he wouldnt stay up  later on in the day to text me. I understand I really am asking for more and more as the relationship progresses, but to be honest, isnt this what all relationship is about? You tend to go further and further to a certain extend where they can't take it anymore and boom! break up.
      In dramas, everything felt so unrealistic. A guy accepting for who you really are regardless of your attitude in life and towards him and the others. A guy not complaining but trying to protect you in every single way possible, a guy who knows you by heart, someone you dont need to talk to and already understand you. How far is current present away from that guy? Sometimes i sigh because i know if I were to compare him with my ex, its somewhat impossible to compare. Sometimes I wonder in the parallel universe was I happier?
      I could always imagine myself in the parallel universe happy, parents free, action free, and not worrying about money or anything. Infact I was living with my sister in West Los Angeles, going to Santa Monica City College, and living the life, not worrying about hunger, not worrying about nagging parents, not worrying about who will do the laundry, damn life is good. Having companies and people who respect you and listen to you. And of course, a boyfriend who can drive all the way over here to see me, a boyfriend who have a car, a job, and loves you a lot and you love him a lot. All those were possible, yet i threw them all away, do I regret it? I never really did but then now, when being questioned by current present recently as well as the arguement, the more I see it the more I began to realize maybe he is right. Maybe current present is right, "maybe we were not meant to be."
      What do I do now? I wish for an answer upon the wishing star, but on this starless night, where could I find that shine?

Forever gone ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

     Losing past. Choosing to lose past, here I thought I made the right choice, but maybe I am wrong. I mean, was I ever happy? Ever in love with current present? I am not even sure myself. I doubt myself at time, trying to convince myself, this is what I want. Present, current, not past. But of course that was just convincing. I don't understand love anymore, why can't it be simple? But then again, complication is what makes up life now isn't it?
      Like what I do every often, I tend to check upon his facebook, knowing that we were no longer friends on facebook, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see his everything, at least I have some little things I can still see. We weren't friends, but then we weren't complete stranger either. Then it was yesterday before I fell asleep that I realize something. Past have blocked me out of his life once again on facebook. I could no longer view his things. Similar things have happened before, its so weird and strange. First it was me blocking him, both of his account, because he kept stalking me, trying to message me nonstop, adding me, etc, then I unblocked him after a time period because he gave up on me, and I of course, wanted him back. Strange isn't it? Psychotic i would prefer. Then of course he added me, later on around april fools when we started talking again. Then when I begin to ignore him after graduation, or maybe a little before? He unfriended me, probably because he knew what I was doing. But then around my birthday, actually on my birthday, he greeted me a happy birthday. And that was it, a day later, I thought of it so much, that I actually replied, breaking my own rules about not talking to him ever. Then a month back or so? Or two weeks ago, when eating at a cafe, meeting him by either fate or coincidence, I avoided him, not because it was embarrsing, but because I still loved him, my heart still pounded for him, still raced for him. I still blushed for him, but of course I didnt express any of those out beside the blushing because there's nothing I could do about it. And I guess eventually sometime around these weeks he blocked me. Why I wonder. Why.
      If he is over me, shouldn't he not block me, but instead, pretend I was someone else? If he didn't cared anymore or loved me, why would he block me if I am no threat to him? Because of that I started wondering the whole night. What was he thinking?
      Sometimes, just sometimes I wish things were to be back normal. Back in those middle school days where things were easier. When current, present isnt here, and past is still chasing after me. And our connection and bond was so strong that no matter where, we attract each other. I missed that. I missed you past. I really did. And in fact, still kinda do at times. Thinking of losing you wouldnt, and shouldnt be this painful. I was wrong. Way wrong. And I am sorry. It's just too bad that you wouldnt see this ever. Or else, maybe we would have had another chance.

Brickwalls.

Behind each and every wall is a story. It may be a story of sadness or a story of happiness. But at this time, all these ever was is the story of sadness. Pure sadness.

      I always thought, your soul-mate  the person who you are bound to be with will understand you and match you in all sorts of ways, but then maybe I am wrong. After all, present, current, he isn't my soul-mate  Then again, we go back to the question, why did I leave my past behind if he was my soul-mate  Why did I think that he didn't fit for me? Why do I look down on him and all? The answers may be all buried in within my heart, probably even I will never figure out what's me thinking deep down in there. 

      Thinking that I was able to stop a fight by tears, the weakness of present, current. I was wrong. Things were getting back on track until he started saying how I embarrass him in front of my friends. I mean come on, what is there to be ashamed of. I responded jokingly like oh you lost your dignity long time ago, and with a serious reply, he tells me that, "It's not dignity, its pride." Same god damn thing. Its something you cared about what other people think of you with. I mean if you were to have so much pride in the first place you wouldn't be worrying now would you? No! 

      Current is a huge hypocrite, thinking that things should be all these and that, but when actually he doesn't even do it himself at times. He expect me to always be on his side and take it. Always and never talk behind his back or even say bad things about him. Like come on, that's what close friends do, but in this case, I have more than one close friends. Sigh, I really wonder where he stands now. I told him the truth  oh you never always stand for me, you don't always stand for me and you expect me to stand for you? Isn't that a bit ridiculous? Then  he tells me how offended he was when I call him a fob, and to be honest I think everyone knows this, and in fact none of them minded yet he did. Sometimes I just wanna slap myself to see if this is even actually real? I call him hyper sensitive because to be honest, if you're close with someone and tease them on their weakness, to be honest, you are sensitive, and that's totally fine. But not knowing or not coming to the conclusion of accepting it is unacceptable. 

      Maybe he will never realize this, maybe he have a lot of things to back up against me. Sometimes I just wish I am good at arguing with people like him and I can speak a piece of my mind without current disagreeing with me. 

Until next time.

Wonders and desires

      Sometimes I wonder why are things always so unfair when it comes to me. The family I live in, many tends to be jealous. Getting to go everywhere, being able to see far places and experience new things, not having a care of when to get home and all. Why shouldnt they be jealous? But then sometmes its just those uncaring feeling, the feeling of them being unable to understand what you're going through that makes it unutterable.
      I sometime wish for a family that take me to places that I want to go. Not even to buy me stuff, but instead letting me buy stuff. I mean, I am not even asking for the basics, and yet this is happening. All I ever wanted, have they ever knew what it was? My favorite food? My favorite thing to do? Of course not. I don't think many parents would care for that. I sometimes wonder how it would be like if my family were actually different. If we were to live somewhere else. And spend our lives as other people. I wonder what will happen then.
      I am thankful my parents aren't strict and desire me to study on daily basis and restrain me from the use of electronics  But again I am jealous of them for caring for their kids, and buy the food that their kids want to eat. I mean if i were to point a finger at what I want then they would be like, "its too expensive," or "do you really need this?" or even, "maybe when its on sale." but deep down, I already know that day wouldn't come. Yet i expect so much.
      Desperate people at desperate need huh? Maybe people, humanity in general seek for things they cant acquire  hoping that they would be able to gain some. People's thoughts are strange. And the purpose of living, i still dont know yet. Maybe its some kind of experimental game the upper people have on us. Adding a little here and little there.


6:27 pm edit;

It's on Christmas Eve that I realize, if you don't take credits for the things you have done, soon without realizing it, others will take the credits for you. -_- typical life

random thoughts.

      Watching Gossip Girl late at night in this windy weather made me realize something...on the 5th season, 24th episode, around the 19th minute of the clip on cokesandpopcorn, it made me realize something. Blair, the girl who love both Dan and Chuck was now on the edge of having to make a last decision. Chuck, the love of her life, is finally tired of this game Blair have put up. Going on and off on him, and Dan, who was Blair's current love is also tired of this, and with Gossip Girl, the one who is pushing Blair onto the edge on the spot, Dan felt insecure because she posted a post from Blair's Diary how no matter what Dan is, Blair questions herself, about whether she will ever come to love Dan like how she loves Chuck.
      It all drove off to confusion, another triangle love that is. Watching this, it just reminds me of mine slightly. It reminded me of the love I had, those thoughts I thought of in my head yesterday as well. I chose present over past, because present love is secure, its safe, its calming, its everything a normal relationship should have, but then honestly, do I really crave for that deep down in my heart? I dont know anymore, nor am I sure of my decision. But I love him, I love him dearly, I dont know what to do anymore. I think I am beginning to be saying that a lot, to a point where I wonder, why do I even worry about this anymore? Why do I even care? la dauleur. la dauleur.

love complex. ;ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      All I ever wanted, was to see you smiling, all I ever wanted was you to be right beside me, all I ever wanted was you and me. Why cant you ever see that? You're so stupid. I always loved you and only you. No matter how many guys I try to have a crush on, when I see you, it's like a auto reset, all back to you again. No matter how hard I try, to forget you, to erase you from my past, it just seem impossible.
      I thought I erased you completely, this whole 6 month, being in a relationship with someone who I had a crush on, thinking that that will make whatever we had over. I thought I could do it, I thought that you and I was really over until that day, when I faced you once again. My heart, instantly recognized you from a far. It didnt take long for it to start racing from the top. My mind, already panicking and wanting to run away. I calmly reacting on the outside, acting a bit nervous, because what am I suppose to do? All the symptom of love is showing, something I cannot stop myself from. I am seriously hopelessly in love and denial. Why will I leave you in the first place? More ever, why did I leave you?
      I dont know anymore. Is it wrong to be feeling like this for your ex? And more ever, is it wrong to be comparing and missing your ex each time when your current present does something that to you, no boyfriend should do? I guess.
      Today when he went off, hanging up and decide to end the whole night's conversation just in 20 minutes, it made me felt uneasy. The insecurity kicked in. All those calls back then, he would never leave me within this short of a time. Even for gaming, I remember the first month, actually the first few month when we use to skype starting from 7, he would invite me into the chat that he had with Rudi when he's playing video game with him. Now, just a simple, hey Rudi fixed his game, I'll text you later. Not even a offer of wanting to stay there with Rudi and him. Well I guess guys have their gaming world, but honestly, I guess its really true that guys will treat you like you are all they got the first few month of the relationship and slowly back down.
      As the time progresses, I started to see the progressing of laying back kicking in. From early calls as early as 5, or 7 PM to now a 11:30 PM or 12 AM call. From a I'll walk to your house everyday at 9 and get there at 9:30 AM to a I might get to your house at 11 AM and then maybe fall asleep and end up not waking up until 1 PM, and say a sorry and pretend like nothing's happened.
      Relationship is a strange thing. The longer it last, the more greedy you came upon, and the more you would want. Before just a simple holding hand would do, and now, without harrasment it wouldnt do the day? Does all guy wish for this? I started out just wanting a simple love, where no harrasing is involved, and look what I am into now. From a thought of no sex until marriage to a relationship will only last if you have sex with me, and the maximum limit I am giving you is our anniversary date. Like honestly, its not that I am insecure, its just thats my way of thinking. How my mind is set to. No sex unless marriage. No matter what the hormones are telling me, I am gonna stick with my belief, and when you came in and hit me, it really got me confused. What should I do? I dont want to lose you, but nor will I want to lose my virginity this early. Sigh, I dont even know anymore.
      What is love? You tell me that you are doing this because you love me, you are doing this, wanting the sex because it will bring us closer. But honestly tell me which guy doesnt crave for sex. I am just a girl with naive thoughts being tainted more and more as the days go on. I am confused now. At times I really want to break up, break it, I cant handle sex, I really cant, but then I really do want to be with him. I do care for him and all. And I do put effort, but going through sex is really just too much for me. I really hoped he would've understood, but then maybe I am wrong, afterall he is still a guy.
      Can someone please tell me what to do?I am here, lost once again.

      There's a Christmas Party I been planning for a whole two month, wanting it to be perfect, or at least good, but relectant on whether or not I should invite my current. The thoughts battle each other each time behalf of his action, and now I am stuck. A few moments ago when I was still on the phone with him I really wanted to tell him, then when he chose gaming over me, I shrink back into my shell. Maybe I should just wait, and time will tell.



Until next time.

yisa yu 暖心 <- great depressing song if  you want something sad and sounds nice ^_^.

the breakage. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      Friends, their the best cure for lost love. When you are lost, when you dont know what to do anymore, the best thing for me is to forget about it, not think about it. Hang out with friends, chill with others, in hopes of that you would forget the ones you cared the most. Because sometimes you realize somethings are just better leaving it forgotten.
     This morning, after the passage of 12, the fight carried on, it led itself into our world. Our weak bond quickly shattered. I question myself, am I asking for too much? If he never lead me to expect these things then today, I wouldn't be here thinking of how unfair it is. I wouldn't be comparing the us before and the us now.
      Is it wrong to compare? It is wrong to be selfish? In relationship, there's always one side that is imbalanced, but sometimes trying to fix this imbalance causes things to go worst. Already been exactly half of a year since together and yet we fight like little kids, we fight like immature. Why do we fight? Deeply, I think its my fault for all these happenings. Its funny, because no matter how many times he sound like he's blaming me, sounding like its my fault, when i mention itsmy fault he would say its not. But then truely, we both know that isnt the case.
      Why is guys so hard to understand? You think women are strange species, what about yourselves men? He asked, am I tired of this relationship? Because he is. He is tired of trying to hard, and getting nothing back, he is tired of caring so much and get no thanks in return. He is tired of arguing with me countless times over things that shouldnt even be argued about.  Are we really meant for each other? He questioned this relationship many times, and now maybe i should as well.
      He gave me a total of 24 hours to consider this relationship, until I give a answer, he refused to talk to me. Even to wake me up. How stupid, ever since last weekend, ever since the meet with my ex. I am so tired now, I am confused, lost and tired. I want something more than this yet I can't even handle it. Such a stupid girl. He devoted so much of himself to me, yet I am doing this. Am I wrong? He told me to tell him what I expect from this relationship and what I will do to maintain this relationship.
      I am so lost. I am in so much pain now, can someone help me? I don't even know what I have been saying this past few hours...what do I do? Can someone please tell me?

      How far am I away from happiness?















 Alana Lee Hamilton Butterflies

super awesome big fun great ball

shinigami
ajax chat
kinokukun

ѕтσяιєѕ ℓєαяηє∂ - נєѕѕιcα. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα

      La douleur, why do I post this title as a blog name? When you find the root source of this phrase  that's when you will realize what it meant. What this whole blog meant.
      Today, after class, spending time with my classmate who I have done nothing but chatting during class with. Having dinner, and hanging out in the park made me realize something. Something valuable I learned. Being a leader. My friend, she was a victim, a victim in relationship. Another victim that is. Are guys just that unthoughtful, greedy, and inconsiderate? I think not. But of course, I have never stepped into her shoes, so I shouldn't know this.
       She, like many girls, were lied to, and were used. Thought that it was true love, but in the end, just another fool. Another fool too innocent to think of anything else. Stupidity. Love makes people blind, so they say, and I can't agree more. She, back in her home country, Vietnam, was with this popular singer. Thinking that it was love at first sight, doing things from commitment to the basic relationship to house work all over her boyfriend's house. Doing orders coming down from his parents, things that only house cleaning ladies would do. Like a housewife, trapped in a loop of circle, not knowing that she's been used all this time. Everytime when she was over, she would do nothing but work and more house work, nonstop, meanwhile the boy would just make an excuse of "work" and leave the house without a care. Stupid enough like she is, she would believe him and stay in the house to help out. But what she doesn't know at that time was that everytime when he claims to be working, he was actually seeing girls, seeing girls behind her back, cheating on her each time.
      All three years of the relationship, she have done nothing but committing, believing in the love they had, having a long distance relationship. To be honest, unless the guy truly loves you deep down in the heart, long distance relationship will never last, ever. I have seen it, I have experience friends who had those stories, I know. And not to mention cheating, i mean if he were to cheat when she's like few steps away from him, then obviously when she's out of the country, he will cheat more. After all, all she is was just a tool, a toy to play with, a thing that he can show off around saying that he once had.
      She gave me some inspirational speech today, though still an immigrant, and only been in relationship once, she have told me something I decide to take in as consideration. "Be a leader," she said, "be someone who leads, not follow" "because, in the very end, if you are a follower, you will just be another girl in the guy's life." I find flaws in that statement, but then at the same time i found truth, I found something in that speech that was worth following. If we lean too much and give in too much, in the end, we will just be another item, another object to them.
      Sometimes I feel so lucky, I feel so lucky that in all my 18 years, I have never had such terrifying experience with love, with relationship, with guys, or else I may end up like her, losing faith in love and relationship, losing faith in people. I am grateful for all the guys that had happened in my life. Then ones that I let go, and the ones that I hold on, the ones that I questioned, the ones that I regret. Without them, I wouldnt be the me I am now, and without them, I would have became someone else.
      Listening to stories are a great way to cheer yourself up, sometimes its those tragic that makes you have those sudden realization about how lucky you are to be here and not in the same position as them. But then sometimes I still question, does he really love me like he said he does?
      My boyfriend, he although cares about me a lot, gave in a lot, give a lot of sacrifices  I sometimes wonder, truthfully, does he really care that much? Deep inside, is it the loneliness in all these years part of the reason why he loved me? If he cares, why would he pressure me into things I dont want to do. But now, listening to her, listening to the stories, I have decided, as of now, i will not be pressured into the things that I dont want to do.
     If I dont want to do something, I won't do it. Not because I dont love them, its because if like they said, they love me either way, whether I do the things they ask or not, then why should I do it? Because I should give in efforts too? Well, I will give in efforts too then, but just not in the ways that he craves for, not when it runs against my belief. Because if he loves me, he then will also respect me.