Half of the story, the whole truth before the relationship. The lies and dishonesty.

So I created a new blog, a blog about my break up with my ex, but then reading through my old blog here "la douleur" today, I realize something. That there are a lot of stuff I have already realized early on but never changed about myself. To me, once I get it, I tend to forget how much pain I was in, and how hard I worked for to get it, that once it's in my hand, I just take it for granted, and then later regret it.
My Blog: Επόμενος
And honestly, it's scary and it's sad. Maybe that is why Pablo (a nickname I been using on my other blog to talk about my most recent boyfriend, because I don't want to use real name on the online blog), broke up with me. Because it's such a repetitive pattern, and all there is is pain time after time. Each time we said things are going to be better, it may go better for a little bit in the beginning and then it goes back to the way it was.
And now he doesn't trust the things I say, and what I do behind his back because I gave him an uncomfortable reason to trust me from the start. Truth, honest truth is, I cannot blame him. I have cheated on him behind his back ever since the beginning even before we started dating, and going out, even before we declared our relationship when we were chasing each other.
I was flirting with other guys, and I was making out here and there, to my heart's content, and it is by far the dumbest thing, which I do truly regret. All those guys I made out with, all those guys I cheated on him with, they were just bad people, people who didn't want to commit, who didn't love me for me, or care about me much, but rather just doing it for the heck of doing it. Yet I was fine with that, not thinking about how much Pablo would be hurt if he knew about all the things I did. Heck, if he ever finds out about all the things I did, there wouldn't ever be a second chance in life I would be able to get back with him, or even talk to him or be in the same room with him ever again. I would most likely be dead to him.
Even though he is the only person who probably knows most about my life, he is also the person who doesn't know a lot of things I did behind his back, and so his guts telling him not to trust me is probably right. Look at how currpted I am, and the ways I am treating him. It's not right, and I don't deserve him.
All he ever does is try to make me happy and all i ever do is try to piss him off because its kind of funny and cute to see him getting jealous over nothing, to see him getting upset. I have some issues.

It started from when we first met around late March, early April. We started talking more and more because of campaigning for student government, and from there got closer and closer I guess. And with the high hormone self, I go all out and try to flirt with everyone. I remember initially I was trying to get at another guy who was running for student government in our group of slate. But then he was too hard to get (and later I realize he is too young to get, barely 18, and not to mention one huge pothaed) and so instead I got someone else reeled in on my fishing hook instead by accident. I mean it isn't bad or anything, but I didn't intentionally get him (and he doesn't know that).
During the campaign period, I was actually still crushing hard on that one guy, let's call him Brian. But Brian was too busy to notice, he was smart don't get me wrong, he was also super good looking, and his green eyes are to die for! But hey, it didn't work out for a good reason, because pot head, no thank you. Although we did go on a retreat to Santa Barbara together, and I did end up kissing on on the side of the mouth (out of a dare on one of the nights).
Anyways, during late March, early April, I went a Spring Conference and there was a night dance afterwards, where everyone got all hot and sweaty. And there were two guys in particular that was short of chasing after me, or in a sense trying to get at me. One Hispanic and one Asian, and as a Asian person, I was of course more turned on by the Asian. And on the dance floor, although both did dance with me, the Hispanic one snagged me first, then the Asian one, but ultimately I slipped out of the Hispanic one's hand to be with the Asian one. (Let's call the Asian one Samsung).
So Samsung and I danced, pretty much rest of the night, and during one of our last songs we danced to, the floor got crazy, and our face got close, hormones got high, and kissed (with tongue and everything), my heart was racing fast, adrenaline was rushing, was turned on, and thirsty for some making out.
It wasn't hard to get some when I wanted some I guess, although I was surprised because there were girls who were prettier than me on the dance floor who didn't get hit on at all. Definitely some weird shit. And one of the people who saw it was soon going to be the one who's going to make me regret doing it, but we can talk about him later. (lets give him a nickname of Lee)
Anyways, he followed me up back to the hotel later,I mean but then the good me didn't want anything to happen, because here may be the plot twist, but I was still in a relationship with Daniel (my ex ex, my second boyfriend) when this all happened ( I didn't even remember any of this till just now, oh shit. I was in really deep shit then. Because I recall phoning Daniel when I was at the hotel during Spring Conference).
Anyways, what the hell am I talking about, the good me shouldn't have even been crushing on other people here and there, and the good me shouldn't even been flirting with other guys to begin with. What the hell, I can't believe I been playing innocent for this long, and I can't believe I have never been caught playing innocent.
People say karma will get you like a bitch, I guess it is coming. All will shit bricks when it comes. Sigh. I been an ass my whole life, I don't know how I am getting so much good blessings in my life for me to be this much ass-y and still get by with it with good people around me. Just exactly how much blessings did I collect in my past life to get this far*(1)?
I treated my first boyfriend like crap over and over, and he still comes back to me. I treated my second one like crap, and he still stuck around for a while, although he is pretty demanding. Then my third boyfriend, well he tolerated me until he can't anymore, which was still a damn long time. I must have collected a lot of blessing for all that to happen. Or maybe they're just stupid to be stuck with me, or maybe I am just lucky, and am going to run out of luck soon if I keep abusing it like that (knock on wood, lets hope not).
But going back to my story, nothing much happened, and the next day, before we departed back to Los Angeles again, he hung with me for a bit, and literally right right before we left, I used toe excuse of getting our president water to go back in the lobby, Samsung and I kissed once more in the lobby (I think our club secretary and internal vice president saw it at that time when they were coming out of the gift shop, but I was too embarrassed to ask what they actually saw, all i know is they saw us getting friendly, but that was it, thank god we weren't close enough for them to spread the rumors around haha). God, the adrenaline just gets me each time. And it's really not like I like him or anything, well maybe I was interested in him, but that was it, it was more of the at the moment thing if anything.
We went back to our lives after, and you know as long as I remember being at the community college I was in, I never really revealed to many that I had a boyfriend, and so most of the time, I was dishonest and told everyone I was single. So besides my high school friends, none of my college friends knew that I had a boyfriend at the time, which makes cheating and flirting a lot easier. And because none of Daniel's friends goes to the community college I go to (well, barely anyways, and if any, they're all fobs, so we don't ever run into each other, thank god), so cheating wasn't a problem if anything. But of course with the way I act during a relationship, having two relationship at the same time will be impossible.
Daniel and I didn't officially break up until sometime in June I believe, or May. Whenever Spring banquet was, was the time where Daniel and I broke up. I can't seem to remember the exact date, but damn, speaking of which, I have two break ups in June now with two different guys. One a year ago, and another one this year. The only difference is there is nobody to replace this one, and I really don't' want anyone to replace this one this time.

I don't know why, but there was something about the photo shoot that makes me remember that memory more in particular than any other ones, maybe it was because he mentioned it to me that he remembers that one or something I don't know. I think it was because he said that he didn't really start noticing me until the photo shoot time. Perhaps the way I dressed or something somewhere along the line? I don't recall much.

Whatever.
But when we truly got close was when my car battery didn't work, due to connection problems. And that day he was with me I guess in the beginning we were working on campaigning together or something, and then he walked me to my car or something, and right when he was going to leave I realize my car battery didn't work, and so I borrowed his phone to call my parents, and I think his phone was dying, and mine already died or something like that.
And then my parents, being the parents they're told me that they weren't going to come and told me to figure it all out myself. And being a child with no knowledge of how to fix my car, besides being told the instruction of whacking my car with a tweaser, I find it hard to repair my car.
Originally he took me to the IT build to the auto mechanic place first, with them saying that the car will have to be brought there in order for them to do anything, and with the circumstance of the car, it was impossible to bring it anywhere.
So next we went to the campus police, or we called, and they said that they no longer help jump cars. And lastly we went to his people, the engineering friends he had, and I think we went to a dude named Brent (yeah he is probably the only guy I will put out real name to, but I doubt he will ever find this blog so it's okay). But anyways, he had jump cords and offered to help, and sure enough we walked to his car, then drove to my car to try to jump it but no matter what, nothing worked. And I guess we (Pablo and I) ended up sitting on the side of the parking lot entrance after parting and thanking Brent for helping us. Then I called my parents again, and finally this time they agree to come and look at the problem.
And somehow my mom ended up just whacking it and it worked on the first try, I was like what the hell, how did she. And Pablo was shocked too, I remember he said, "Wow, I learned something today, that when the car won't start, you can try whacking your battery for it to work." And my mom told us that it was connection problem and then it got awkward because I was suppose to leave the same time as my mom, I guess, but then I wanted to thank Pablo and stuff too, so then I told my mom to go first while I said I was going to drive Pablo to his car.
Which I think I did end up driving him to his car, and then gave him a prolonged hug, thanking him for everything. And that's how we truly started, Pablo and I. Or at least the earliest memories of us being super close.
According to him, we were getting close already via facebook message, but from my memories alone, I think we didn't talk into much depth, he said we did talk about my parents, my sister and all that, but I tell everyone that, and I complain so much that I guess to me it didn't seem like that much. But maybe my memories got fabricated too, so I don't know honestly which is which.
But then agreeably that's where we both agreed where it truly started. He felt emotionally closer to me because he saw the side of me that weren't usually shown to people, the vulnerable side of my who cries, and was weak because nobody was able to help. He saw the pain that I lived through half of my life, the tears of a little girl. Something that many never seen, and honestly something that my first and second boyfriend didn't seen until late. I guess Pablo was something else.
That day was the beginning of the reign, beginning of hope and prolong hugging. It was the start of everything (and yes, I was still with Daniel then).
To me, little flirting doesn't hurt anyone. To me, little flirting, with enough control, will not lead to other things. To me, little flirting, is just to live in the moment, and nothing more. To me, it was a harmless thing.
Who knew that little feeling, that butterfly feeling, that heart skipping, mood jumping moment soon lead to many more unexpected things.
Who knew it lead to more prolonged hugs, lead to longer hugs, hugs that were dry humping, hugs that lasted a few hours, hugs that I didn't want to end, hugs that made my heart skip. And soon, a hug that led to a kiss that soon turned into penis touching, boob touching, and a relationship that lasted 9 month.
But I will save that for my next post.
Until next time.


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1.* so upon Asian superstition, especially the Buddhist believed that how well you're living this life is due to how well you acted last life. So for say, if in your past life, you did a lot of good deed and suffered a lot, in the next coming life, which will be this life, you will be living in lots of blessings. And vise versa, if you acted terribly and been a horrible person in your past life, in your next life, you might just end up on the street or something like that. So it's all about give and take, what you give is what you get, and you know, growing your own fruit of life, etc. But of course, for you to believe that you also have to believe in reincarnation.

Profile Pictures, just another part of repression surfacing

Thinking that today would be one of those days in which where things would just be relaxing, after all it is Friday anyways. That was all until the facebook notification showed up with my past’s profile picture, with another girl. I froze and struggled, after all I did like him for a longer period of time than any of others, and he is the only one I have serious feelings for, the one I seriously loved. The first person I learned to love, although the wrong way to express those feelings but the one who my true heart lay on/upon.

In the end, I decided to like it, I mean I only gave it a one minute thought, but then I thought that was probably enough given the fact that I guess to grand him the happiness he deserve, to show that he does deserve happiness, someone else who is not me, someone else who would do a better job at taking care of him then me. I really hate the fact that he takes up that much of the space in my heart. I hate the fact that he gave up on me. I know I told myself that this is okay, this is his moment, however I just can’t get over the fact that he is actually moving on.
She is beautiful, and most important of all, he likes her, and she will probably 99.9% treat him better than I ever would. And for sure not break his feelings while at it. And I owe him to that. I guess I just have to wish him happiness at this point and like his profile picture. Like I said before, I owed him that.

I am the type of person who sinks all types of feelings deep within in me because that is just the way I am. And normally, people wouldn’t know, after all in this society, most people are there only about themselves, and I hate that about the society. There aren’t that much listeners out there, plus I think due to the nurture environment I lived in, it caused me to repress all my feelings and thoughts inside, and I hate it. I rather get away and repress my ugly thoughts than to face them, or just simply the thoughts that are too overwhelming, and the worst part is because of that it hurts a lot more when I click the unpause button to my repressed thoughts and finally face them. Because the whole still turns while I hide some moments of me, so when I take out those feelings that I repress, it gets hard to play catch up.

Secarios we imagine; "it is easier to be said than done"

At home, in my thoughts on bed, I can imagine millions of scenario that are played through an incident. I can imagine how to approach each and everyone, and how I should encounter each and everyone of them. There is this common saying that, "it is easier to be said than done", and quite frankly I think its utterly true. We watch movies and see stupid scenes where individuals could save themselves from death, and humiliations, but what we are being tied to and am too blind to see is that we have to be in that current character's shoes to judge the action itself. We need that certainty in which we don't have. We typify characters on screen and off screen for the stupid choices they have, but how many of us actually thought of a second that we may never be in the same scenario as them. I remember as a kid, it is frustrating just to see cartoon characters freeze in the middle of the road just because they saw a car approach and is about to hit him/her. I remember I would scream and tell them to run, and think that these characters are illogical and doesn't think, but when I encountered a near car-accident experience a year back, all I could do was freeze on the spot rather than escape from such event. These things are so frustrating to deal with, yet we take it so lightly.
These past few months, I been thinking about my actions I have done in the past. I may have committed a sin that is so sinful that even a non-religious atheist believe in the term "sin". I kissed a homozygous being, or in another term, someone with the same gender as me. It wasn't that part that made me shameful of what I have done, but rather, the fact that I took no responsibility of the action made me angry. Made me ashamed of the things I done, and how I have handled it. It became awkward after that sleepover. In fact, waking up after your hormones drown out is the worst thing that could've happened. Realizing that all those things you did were just because of the moment rather than actually doing it according to your feelings were just wrongful. Especially when in the next few days, the girl I had such encountered with wrote me a four page letter confessing that she did it not for the moment, but because she grew feelings for me, What the hell self? Why did I even allow that to happen when I don't have feelings for her? It seems ridiculous then, and still seems ridiculous now to think about it. She tried calling me and talking to me because I tried to avoid her, she tried coming up to me and saying hi and still but all I can do is walk away and pretend I have errands to run and things to do. I treated her awfully, for when she was contributing her whole heart out. I was the bad guy in that friendship. If I didn't have feelings for her and she was my best friend, I shouldn't have motivated her to kiss me, or to kiss her back. I shouldn't have gave it the chance for it to happen,. nor should I have allowed it to happen.
I knew she was bi, I knew she doesn't just playing around. I knew shes kind and sensitive, yet I wrecked her like a wrecking ball. I was the reason why she ended up unfriending me and blocked me on facebook. I was the reason why every time I see her on campus or around the hall, she have to put her head down and walk away fast. I was the reason why our friendship turned from being best friends to being just awkward strangers in the street. I really want to say I miss her, I miss being able to talk to someone about things, to be able to speak Chinese openly, and being able to open up and accepted. She actually cared full time rather than my other friends caring only half of the times. Yet I dropped her hard. What was I thinking?
There were so many opportunities where I could have saved the relationship. There were so many times where we could have made up and pretended nothing have happened, yet I chose to do the selfish thing and blocked her off of my life once again.
How stupid of me? Letting one of the most important person go just because of that. Flushed it down the drain like that...
I imagined in my bed, scenaros where I see her, and apologize to her. I see myself talking to her, saying and speaking some sense, giving this whole speech trying to make up for these. But i know no matter how I say it, there would be no way things would just simply go back to normal. Her sister hates me now for wrecking her, and I dont blame her. because if was her sister, I would do the same thing.
I imagined all these different scenarios where I walk up and ask for her time, to ask her "do you hate me?" Apologizing for the years of pain I caused on her, but just now, just half an hour ago, when I saw a back shadow that seems like her but I didn't have the courage to check or even to call her out or pull her back, I felt powerless. I was shakened as if I was in front of a hundred audiences. I was afraid of facing her, all the guilt and fear rushes into my brain, paralyzing me from reaching forward, or to even open my mouth to speak up. My feet began to drag, and I began to walk slower.
She seems exactly like her, the girl seemed exactly like her. The way she walks, the way she position herself, and the way she holds her phone. It makes me think so much, my heart tells me to approach her, to talk to her, to stop her before not seeing her again. This is the chance. Yet in my brain, my logic is telling me the opposite, telling me that I am just heading into a trap. It's stupid, it is really stupid but true.
I wish there was just a time machine, going back to the time where none of these happened, going back to freshmen year, maybe even elementary school and start all over with the knowledge I have of today.

but to bad that is just a narrative of fictional sci-fi that would not happen anytime soon.

If she was reading this today,  I really would hope for her forgiveness, because I am the one at the completely fault of what is happening today.

Unconciousness and Desire

      Many says unconsciousness and desire are completely two different objects, but others says their the same. If you take time to think about it, unconscious mind, uses dreams to express our inner desire. Last night I dreamed of my college good friend, let's call him J because afterall this is a blog, and we can't really be naming real people name since its all anonymous and all. So I dreamed of going to a fancy five star restruant by myself, sitting at the edge of the table eating, just a bit lonesome, with nobody around. And I felt a bit awkward and all. Then the bigger (long) table that is next to me came into focus, and on the table was this old couple, eating their appitizer salad. Then as the main course came it was J who was bringing the dish with a chef hat, representing that he probably paid the place to let him make the food for them. So in my dream, it tells me that it was J's father's birthday and he wanted to surprise him by being the chef and all. I was shocked that he would do that, and just staring at him and his chef hat. And we caught my eyes, and as our eyes met, i quickly went back to my plate of food and my book. Later on that day at the mall (the restruant was apperantly located inside the mall), he sat down on the couch next to mine, I took a look and told him to come and scoot next to me, in which he did and we started talking for a while. Then I guess I went by his house later on or something, and to find out that everyone was meeting at his house and all. (Everyone as in the people who i normally hangout with in college) And as we were sitting there at J's couch, everyone were talking to different people, and I was just glaring at random area, and later, he started chatting with me. We were having a blast or something. Then after the whole thing is over, as everyone was returning home, J was about to leave to head out, and so i asked, "where you going?" and he said oh why? I replied, because its already like 10 PM and i need a ride home. And he was like oh well what's your curfew? And i was like, I dont have one. And so he asked, if i wanted to go to a strip club with him. (this was probably from when he was checking out the 18+ magazines during our trip to fry's) I was like fine, sitting next to him I was kind of afraid of going there, because there would be a bunch of pervs, but then to think, i was also disappointed to see J becoming that type of person.
      And then the next thing you know, I woke up and that was pretty much the end of the story. I just feel like that i might have a thing for J even though i am currently with my present. I feel like I just like being tortured and being saddened. I mean right now I got most of the things i wished for you know. Present turned more patient for me, more caring and definately more understanding and all, being forgiving too, but then its just that I dont know. We always often have things we don't agree on and it's just a toll on the relationship. I just feel like sometimes he doesnt understand me and sometimes he just doesnt try to understand me. It makes me feel a but lonesome in the inside. I wish i can simply be a mind reader and read what peopel are thinking. It would maybe make my life easier. Sigh. like the saying i guess, if the boy isn't bad the girl doesn't love em'.

Brickwalls.

Behind each and every wall is a story. It may be a story of sadness or a story of happiness. But at this time, all these ever was is the story of sadness. Pure sadness.

      I always thought, your soul-mate  the person who you are bound to be with will understand you and match you in all sorts of ways, but then maybe I am wrong. After all, present, current, he isn't my soul-mate  Then again, we go back to the question, why did I leave my past behind if he was my soul-mate  Why did I think that he didn't fit for me? Why do I look down on him and all? The answers may be all buried in within my heart, probably even I will never figure out what's me thinking deep down in there. 

      Thinking that I was able to stop a fight by tears, the weakness of present, current. I was wrong. Things were getting back on track until he started saying how I embarrass him in front of my friends. I mean come on, what is there to be ashamed of. I responded jokingly like oh you lost your dignity long time ago, and with a serious reply, he tells me that, "It's not dignity, its pride." Same god damn thing. Its something you cared about what other people think of you with. I mean if you were to have so much pride in the first place you wouldn't be worrying now would you? No! 

      Current is a huge hypocrite, thinking that things should be all these and that, but when actually he doesn't even do it himself at times. He expect me to always be on his side and take it. Always and never talk behind his back or even say bad things about him. Like come on, that's what close friends do, but in this case, I have more than one close friends. Sigh, I really wonder where he stands now. I told him the truth  oh you never always stand for me, you don't always stand for me and you expect me to stand for you? Isn't that a bit ridiculous? Then  he tells me how offended he was when I call him a fob, and to be honest I think everyone knows this, and in fact none of them minded yet he did. Sometimes I just wanna slap myself to see if this is even actually real? I call him hyper sensitive because to be honest, if you're close with someone and tease them on their weakness, to be honest, you are sensitive, and that's totally fine. But not knowing or not coming to the conclusion of accepting it is unacceptable. 

      Maybe he will never realize this, maybe he have a lot of things to back up against me. Sometimes I just wish I am good at arguing with people like him and I can speak a piece of my mind without current disagreeing with me. 

Until next time.

Losing myself. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      The pain, here I am again, wanting to have a blade cut through my veins. Maybe that will stop me from leaking the pain slowly. The heart stabbing is slowly killing me. I wonder, why couldn't anyone understand me? Is it because I am not worth the time to be understood? Or what was it?
      My current have finally offically hang up and ignored my calls. I guess he is tired of me, but this time what did I do wrong? This time he asked for whether I'll be around on christmas or not, because he can only go with one or the other. Well, very well, but due to the arguement and the sudden call my sister have to dial. He doesnt understand how much her words hurted me mentally. No one knew how fragile my mentality is, but of course they wouldn't, because no one really cared about my mentality. I can be totally mentally unstable and all current wants is me stop crying, and to my family, ha like they fucking cared in the first place.
      Why couldn't I spared with a bit more understanding? Why is this world so unfair? Perfect boyfriend? Boyfriend I want? i think by dating current, I am beginning to know what I want for an boyfriend. But the more I realize what I want, the more I realize I wouldnt be able to get it from him.
      I want a guy who when a girl cry, doesnt just hug them and pat, but try to hear things out. Doesnt just force tears to stop by threatening or kissing, but by being patient and understanding and talk it through. I want a boyfriend when I get mad or sad over a parental issue, doesnt just go, "What am I suppose to do?" or "Just cope with it, because as of now there's nothing I can do." etc, but instead trying to say positive things and comforts. But then of course, I want more that are simliar to these, but then of course, those are not going to be true now are they?

      But then what if they are all right, my family, parents, siblings and boyfriend? What if I am inconsiderate, selfish, one minded, taking everything for granted, and unthankful for everything around me? What if i am just another hypocrite that doesnt understand myself as good as I thought I had manage to understand myself? What if I am mentally illed?

      I dont know anymore. Living under this family really sometimes get to me. The pain, the confusion, losing myself in the process. What is happiness?

love complex. ;ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      All I ever wanted, was to see you smiling, all I ever wanted was you to be right beside me, all I ever wanted was you and me. Why cant you ever see that? You're so stupid. I always loved you and only you. No matter how many guys I try to have a crush on, when I see you, it's like a auto reset, all back to you again. No matter how hard I try, to forget you, to erase you from my past, it just seem impossible.
      I thought I erased you completely, this whole 6 month, being in a relationship with someone who I had a crush on, thinking that that will make whatever we had over. I thought I could do it, I thought that you and I was really over until that day, when I faced you once again. My heart, instantly recognized you from a far. It didnt take long for it to start racing from the top. My mind, already panicking and wanting to run away. I calmly reacting on the outside, acting a bit nervous, because what am I suppose to do? All the symptom of love is showing, something I cannot stop myself from. I am seriously hopelessly in love and denial. Why will I leave you in the first place? More ever, why did I leave you?
      I dont know anymore. Is it wrong to be feeling like this for your ex? And more ever, is it wrong to be comparing and missing your ex each time when your current present does something that to you, no boyfriend should do? I guess.
      Today when he went off, hanging up and decide to end the whole night's conversation just in 20 minutes, it made me felt uneasy. The insecurity kicked in. All those calls back then, he would never leave me within this short of a time. Even for gaming, I remember the first month, actually the first few month when we use to skype starting from 7, he would invite me into the chat that he had with Rudi when he's playing video game with him. Now, just a simple, hey Rudi fixed his game, I'll text you later. Not even a offer of wanting to stay there with Rudi and him. Well I guess guys have their gaming world, but honestly, I guess its really true that guys will treat you like you are all they got the first few month of the relationship and slowly back down.
      As the time progresses, I started to see the progressing of laying back kicking in. From early calls as early as 5, or 7 PM to now a 11:30 PM or 12 AM call. From a I'll walk to your house everyday at 9 and get there at 9:30 AM to a I might get to your house at 11 AM and then maybe fall asleep and end up not waking up until 1 PM, and say a sorry and pretend like nothing's happened.
      Relationship is a strange thing. The longer it last, the more greedy you came upon, and the more you would want. Before just a simple holding hand would do, and now, without harrasment it wouldnt do the day? Does all guy wish for this? I started out just wanting a simple love, where no harrasing is involved, and look what I am into now. From a thought of no sex until marriage to a relationship will only last if you have sex with me, and the maximum limit I am giving you is our anniversary date. Like honestly, its not that I am insecure, its just thats my way of thinking. How my mind is set to. No sex unless marriage. No matter what the hormones are telling me, I am gonna stick with my belief, and when you came in and hit me, it really got me confused. What should I do? I dont want to lose you, but nor will I want to lose my virginity this early. Sigh, I dont even know anymore.
      What is love? You tell me that you are doing this because you love me, you are doing this, wanting the sex because it will bring us closer. But honestly tell me which guy doesnt crave for sex. I am just a girl with naive thoughts being tainted more and more as the days go on. I am confused now. At times I really want to break up, break it, I cant handle sex, I really cant, but then I really do want to be with him. I do care for him and all. And I do put effort, but going through sex is really just too much for me. I really hoped he would've understood, but then maybe I am wrong, afterall he is still a guy.
      Can someone please tell me what to do?I am here, lost once again.

      There's a Christmas Party I been planning for a whole two month, wanting it to be perfect, or at least good, but relectant on whether or not I should invite my current. The thoughts battle each other each time behalf of his action, and now I am stuck. A few moments ago when I was still on the phone with him I really wanted to tell him, then when he chose gaming over me, I shrink back into my shell. Maybe I should just wait, and time will tell.



Until next time.

yisa yu 暖心 <- great depressing song if  you want something sad and sounds nice ^_^.

ιт'ѕ coмplιcαтed. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα

      Looking through your pictures, looking through my comments, looking through those replies that you given. A few simple comment could already bring up a whole stack of memories. Then what am I suppose to do when I see you face to face once again?
      You, posting a picture of your self with long hair, because I never seen you in a suit, because I told you to grow out your hair.
      Me, commenting on the picture with just one word, "fat." can trigger up a smile upon your face.
      You, seeing the short comment, can rise with an smile and reply with things like, "again???? -.- LOL xDD hahahaha slap ur face later LOL xDD". Just with that one sentence, nostalgic feeling of us being together came back to me again.
      It is wrong? Should I not have these kind of feelings? Already half way through the day, yet you are still in my mind. Thinking that I was long over you, finally forgetting your existence, oh boy was I wrong. Even though denial towards myself works, but then when reality hits in, nothing can stop it, nothing can stand in the way of it.
      Why, why did I break up with you? Why did I ignore you? Why couldn't I face you? Is my love for you too much for me myself to handle? Perhaps that's the reason why. The reason why I can't love you anymore. Maybe its because of how strong my love is for you that's making me pulling myself away from you.
      It's stupid, because ever since young, I always thought love is real, love is pure, love is everything you think it is. And just like fairy tales, true love will last forever. Watching drama in my teenage years, I begin to wonder why are people so stupid? Why would they pull themselves away from the ones that loves them truely for the ones that even though loves them but contradict themselves. And why do others who truely love each other run away from each other, and cause misunderstandings? Although in the end things always resolve, it just tends to piss me off, why will they even think of leaving each other? If they love each other, if it was love at first sight or true love, why will the avoid each other. Then it was not until I hit high school that I begin to come to an understanding.
      Love is a strange word, it cannot be simply defined. And with just an phrase, "I Love You." Though can fill you up with warmth, or happiness, its mostly a lie. People when they say the phrase, 90% of them probably don't even mean them. Stupid complex love. Why is it so complicated?
      I use to think, that love is already enough, love itself can fullfill anything, and can last forever. My head's been sticking to that thoughts stronger everyday, until high school. Junior year hit me.
      It was junior year that all the things happened, and it was junior year that my heart was first broken, then back in love, then confused, then turned to complicated. Even now, I am still confused. I dont even know what to do anymore.
      Maybe people are right, money can really change things. Economic stands can really change things. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you really just simply cant be with them, especially when you're as selfish as me. Everything that happened up to today is my fault, my choice, and if I ruined it, of course, its me that's suppose to be the one to be pointed finger at. <- im not even sure if that makes sense. But sigh, one more final to go, so until next blog of the day.

until then!

chao!

/*/ ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα

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Seeing the presence of him leaving, was it really the right thing to do? Seeing him sitting by the nearest table to entrance, without a second thought in my head, heart beating, face blushing, all the symptom of love, what is there to hide? Why am I hiding? Am I too scared to Dave the reality? Such a bad ex girlfriend I am. When with him, I wouldn't admit anything, especially the fact that I love him. Why did I hold back? Been together for so many months, yet a simple "I love you" is so hard to achieve. No matter how far away, my eyes just want to meet his, my heart just wish he would linger his eyes and wonder it this way. And notice me, and tell me that deep down he still loves me. But can I really have a say in this? When I was the one who dropped him, let him go so easily? When I was the cruel one who ignored him and let him go when he dropped literally everything for me? Am I stupid? Yeah I am. Definitely.
Why am I blushing for him? Why is my heart still racing for him? Is this really true love? Am I really rebelling against true love? Was this the right choice? I really want to question myself, I really want a answer out of this. I really just want a way out. I don't know anymore. Was choosing the path I'm choosing the right choice? Was being with the one I am with now a good choice? Was leaving my ex what I wanted? I always thought true love lasted, always thought that in drama all those things were just some stupid fairy tale? Well that's funny, because it seemed like everything in a drama came true in my life.

God, what do I do next?

Can someone please tell me and help me and guide me a way out of this pain?

Anyone...

I think I am just in denial...but why?