Half of the story, the whole truth before the relationship. The lies and dishonesty.

So I created a new blog, a blog about my break up with my ex, but then reading through my old blog here "la douleur" today, I realize something. That there are a lot of stuff I have already realized early on but never changed about myself. To me, once I get it, I tend to forget how much pain I was in, and how hard I worked for to get it, that once it's in my hand, I just take it for granted, and then later regret it.
My Blog: Επόμενος
And honestly, it's scary and it's sad. Maybe that is why Pablo (a nickname I been using on my other blog to talk about my most recent boyfriend, because I don't want to use real name on the online blog), broke up with me. Because it's such a repetitive pattern, and all there is is pain time after time. Each time we said things are going to be better, it may go better for a little bit in the beginning and then it goes back to the way it was.
And now he doesn't trust the things I say, and what I do behind his back because I gave him an uncomfortable reason to trust me from the start. Truth, honest truth is, I cannot blame him. I have cheated on him behind his back ever since the beginning even before we started dating, and going out, even before we declared our relationship when we were chasing each other.
I was flirting with other guys, and I was making out here and there, to my heart's content, and it is by far the dumbest thing, which I do truly regret. All those guys I made out with, all those guys I cheated on him with, they were just bad people, people who didn't want to commit, who didn't love me for me, or care about me much, but rather just doing it for the heck of doing it. Yet I was fine with that, not thinking about how much Pablo would be hurt if he knew about all the things I did. Heck, if he ever finds out about all the things I did, there wouldn't ever be a second chance in life I would be able to get back with him, or even talk to him or be in the same room with him ever again. I would most likely be dead to him.
Even though he is the only person who probably knows most about my life, he is also the person who doesn't know a lot of things I did behind his back, and so his guts telling him not to trust me is probably right. Look at how currpted I am, and the ways I am treating him. It's not right, and I don't deserve him.
All he ever does is try to make me happy and all i ever do is try to piss him off because its kind of funny and cute to see him getting jealous over nothing, to see him getting upset. I have some issues.

It started from when we first met around late March, early April. We started talking more and more because of campaigning for student government, and from there got closer and closer I guess. And with the high hormone self, I go all out and try to flirt with everyone. I remember initially I was trying to get at another guy who was running for student government in our group of slate. But then he was too hard to get (and later I realize he is too young to get, barely 18, and not to mention one huge pothaed) and so instead I got someone else reeled in on my fishing hook instead by accident. I mean it isn't bad or anything, but I didn't intentionally get him (and he doesn't know that).
During the campaign period, I was actually still crushing hard on that one guy, let's call him Brian. But Brian was too busy to notice, he was smart don't get me wrong, he was also super good looking, and his green eyes are to die for! But hey, it didn't work out for a good reason, because pot head, no thank you. Although we did go on a retreat to Santa Barbara together, and I did end up kissing on on the side of the mouth (out of a dare on one of the nights).
Anyways, during late March, early April, I went a Spring Conference and there was a night dance afterwards, where everyone got all hot and sweaty. And there were two guys in particular that was short of chasing after me, or in a sense trying to get at me. One Hispanic and one Asian, and as a Asian person, I was of course more turned on by the Asian. And on the dance floor, although both did dance with me, the Hispanic one snagged me first, then the Asian one, but ultimately I slipped out of the Hispanic one's hand to be with the Asian one. (Let's call the Asian one Samsung).
So Samsung and I danced, pretty much rest of the night, and during one of our last songs we danced to, the floor got crazy, and our face got close, hormones got high, and kissed (with tongue and everything), my heart was racing fast, adrenaline was rushing, was turned on, and thirsty for some making out.
It wasn't hard to get some when I wanted some I guess, although I was surprised because there were girls who were prettier than me on the dance floor who didn't get hit on at all. Definitely some weird shit. And one of the people who saw it was soon going to be the one who's going to make me regret doing it, but we can talk about him later. (lets give him a nickname of Lee)
Anyways, he followed me up back to the hotel later,I mean but then the good me didn't want anything to happen, because here may be the plot twist, but I was still in a relationship with Daniel (my ex ex, my second boyfriend) when this all happened ( I didn't even remember any of this till just now, oh shit. I was in really deep shit then. Because I recall phoning Daniel when I was at the hotel during Spring Conference).
Anyways, what the hell am I talking about, the good me shouldn't have even been crushing on other people here and there, and the good me shouldn't even been flirting with other guys to begin with. What the hell, I can't believe I been playing innocent for this long, and I can't believe I have never been caught playing innocent.
People say karma will get you like a bitch, I guess it is coming. All will shit bricks when it comes. Sigh. I been an ass my whole life, I don't know how I am getting so much good blessings in my life for me to be this much ass-y and still get by with it with good people around me. Just exactly how much blessings did I collect in my past life to get this far*(1)?
I treated my first boyfriend like crap over and over, and he still comes back to me. I treated my second one like crap, and he still stuck around for a while, although he is pretty demanding. Then my third boyfriend, well he tolerated me until he can't anymore, which was still a damn long time. I must have collected a lot of blessing for all that to happen. Or maybe they're just stupid to be stuck with me, or maybe I am just lucky, and am going to run out of luck soon if I keep abusing it like that (knock on wood, lets hope not).
But going back to my story, nothing much happened, and the next day, before we departed back to Los Angeles again, he hung with me for a bit, and literally right right before we left, I used toe excuse of getting our president water to go back in the lobby, Samsung and I kissed once more in the lobby (I think our club secretary and internal vice president saw it at that time when they were coming out of the gift shop, but I was too embarrassed to ask what they actually saw, all i know is they saw us getting friendly, but that was it, thank god we weren't close enough for them to spread the rumors around haha). God, the adrenaline just gets me each time. And it's really not like I like him or anything, well maybe I was interested in him, but that was it, it was more of the at the moment thing if anything.
We went back to our lives after, and you know as long as I remember being at the community college I was in, I never really revealed to many that I had a boyfriend, and so most of the time, I was dishonest and told everyone I was single. So besides my high school friends, none of my college friends knew that I had a boyfriend at the time, which makes cheating and flirting a lot easier. And because none of Daniel's friends goes to the community college I go to (well, barely anyways, and if any, they're all fobs, so we don't ever run into each other, thank god), so cheating wasn't a problem if anything. But of course with the way I act during a relationship, having two relationship at the same time will be impossible.
Daniel and I didn't officially break up until sometime in June I believe, or May. Whenever Spring banquet was, was the time where Daniel and I broke up. I can't seem to remember the exact date, but damn, speaking of which, I have two break ups in June now with two different guys. One a year ago, and another one this year. The only difference is there is nobody to replace this one, and I really don't' want anyone to replace this one this time.

I don't know why, but there was something about the photo shoot that makes me remember that memory more in particular than any other ones, maybe it was because he mentioned it to me that he remembers that one or something I don't know. I think it was because he said that he didn't really start noticing me until the photo shoot time. Perhaps the way I dressed or something somewhere along the line? I don't recall much.

Whatever.
But when we truly got close was when my car battery didn't work, due to connection problems. And that day he was with me I guess in the beginning we were working on campaigning together or something, and then he walked me to my car or something, and right when he was going to leave I realize my car battery didn't work, and so I borrowed his phone to call my parents, and I think his phone was dying, and mine already died or something like that.
And then my parents, being the parents they're told me that they weren't going to come and told me to figure it all out myself. And being a child with no knowledge of how to fix my car, besides being told the instruction of whacking my car with a tweaser, I find it hard to repair my car.
Originally he took me to the IT build to the auto mechanic place first, with them saying that the car will have to be brought there in order for them to do anything, and with the circumstance of the car, it was impossible to bring it anywhere.
So next we went to the campus police, or we called, and they said that they no longer help jump cars. And lastly we went to his people, the engineering friends he had, and I think we went to a dude named Brent (yeah he is probably the only guy I will put out real name to, but I doubt he will ever find this blog so it's okay). But anyways, he had jump cords and offered to help, and sure enough we walked to his car, then drove to my car to try to jump it but no matter what, nothing worked. And I guess we (Pablo and I) ended up sitting on the side of the parking lot entrance after parting and thanking Brent for helping us. Then I called my parents again, and finally this time they agree to come and look at the problem.
And somehow my mom ended up just whacking it and it worked on the first try, I was like what the hell, how did she. And Pablo was shocked too, I remember he said, "Wow, I learned something today, that when the car won't start, you can try whacking your battery for it to work." And my mom told us that it was connection problem and then it got awkward because I was suppose to leave the same time as my mom, I guess, but then I wanted to thank Pablo and stuff too, so then I told my mom to go first while I said I was going to drive Pablo to his car.
Which I think I did end up driving him to his car, and then gave him a prolonged hug, thanking him for everything. And that's how we truly started, Pablo and I. Or at least the earliest memories of us being super close.
According to him, we were getting close already via facebook message, but from my memories alone, I think we didn't talk into much depth, he said we did talk about my parents, my sister and all that, but I tell everyone that, and I complain so much that I guess to me it didn't seem like that much. But maybe my memories got fabricated too, so I don't know honestly which is which.
But then agreeably that's where we both agreed where it truly started. He felt emotionally closer to me because he saw the side of me that weren't usually shown to people, the vulnerable side of my who cries, and was weak because nobody was able to help. He saw the pain that I lived through half of my life, the tears of a little girl. Something that many never seen, and honestly something that my first and second boyfriend didn't seen until late. I guess Pablo was something else.
That day was the beginning of the reign, beginning of hope and prolong hugging. It was the start of everything (and yes, I was still with Daniel then).
To me, little flirting doesn't hurt anyone. To me, little flirting, with enough control, will not lead to other things. To me, little flirting, is just to live in the moment, and nothing more. To me, it was a harmless thing.
Who knew that little feeling, that butterfly feeling, that heart skipping, mood jumping moment soon lead to many more unexpected things.
Who knew it lead to more prolonged hugs, lead to longer hugs, hugs that were dry humping, hugs that lasted a few hours, hugs that I didn't want to end, hugs that made my heart skip. And soon, a hug that led to a kiss that soon turned into penis touching, boob touching, and a relationship that lasted 9 month.
But I will save that for my next post.
Until next time.


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1.* so upon Asian superstition, especially the Buddhist believed that how well you're living this life is due to how well you acted last life. So for say, if in your past life, you did a lot of good deed and suffered a lot, in the next coming life, which will be this life, you will be living in lots of blessings. And vise versa, if you acted terribly and been a horrible person in your past life, in your next life, you might just end up on the street or something like that. So it's all about give and take, what you give is what you get, and you know, growing your own fruit of life, etc. But of course, for you to believe that you also have to believe in reincarnation.

betrayal ; la dauleur

Honesty. Just exactly how much does it worth? And who exactly have the love for them? Sometimes, I felt like the stupid ones to fall for them, sometimes I felt like my trust is ripped apart each time when a lie is set out. Just exactly how many lies am I going to take until my heart and brain both explodes?

" Just exactly how much do you value our trust and relationship? Just exactly how much do you wish to be trusted? You experienced deceiving and lost, but does that mean you have to lay its egg on the others? Friendly lie is one thing but lying to get away with something else is another. Just exactly where did you go on May 25^th when you said you were having lunch with your auntie and your mom? Great lie about going out to lunch with them huh, as great of a lie as going to car wash on May 31^st. People who lies are great, I mean as long as others don’t find out, hey, you know, live another day, why not lie about it? But when the truth hits the ground hard a few moments after the lie is out, who would be the one left behind doing the clean up exactly? Upset yes, but argument is something I don’t want.

Anniversary? Yeah its been a year Danny, we been through a lot of ups and downs, and yes we been through the lowest points many times in life and recovered from it. That will hopefully be the downiest/lowest point of your life in the relationship as well, a point where we will hopefully never return.

I don’t want us to fight over useless things that will eventually lead to breakage. I had too much of that already, I know where arguments lead to, especially this one. I understand you had your view in things, but rather lie than tell the truth, just exactly how much do I worth? Over planning a plan on top of our plan because our plan is too common while other people’s plans are rare because you don’t see them often? Please, I cancelled my plans with rare friends to hang with you no matter how often we see each other.  No matter what your reason is Danny, I want you to take your time to think about it. Was it worth a lie to me?

First time, you know, I go like hey its fine, I trust him. This will probably be the last lie. And then what happens? Bam! The second lie hits. Makes me wonder, just exactly how many lies do you have behind my back that I don’t know about? And just exactly how many of them are truthful. Hey, I know I am not suppose to doubt you, but just like the boy who cry wolf, eventually if lies keeps happening people will go from trust completely, to questioning and doubts and soon, don’t even believe a thing you say.

I want to use this anniversary to clear all of our records, to start a fresh page, because after all its been a year of us together. I don’t want us to look back just to find more reason for our supporting arguments, I want us to start new and look back because we miss some part of our lives. And of course, be together as long as possible.

At first, it hurts to see you lie while I know the truth myself. You know those post on facebook, those moments you see how stupid the other person is, trying to lie to your face, when you yourself knows the truth better than the person who’s telling the lie? Danny, I was at the point where I would scream and run out in the street screaming, but I held it in. It hurted at first, but eventually I gave it a few days, I thought of all the things you did that made me smile and slowly, the box of flame just melts away by days. Of course, within a week another one struck, harder than ever, my hatred grew, my cold sweat kicked in, and my trust for you just tumbled off the balanced board. I told myself I could trust you, I told myself that this once again would be your last time. Same day, of course, you promised that you will try your best not to plan things ontop of our plan, but hopefully with that said, you would also be truthful and honest  for not just me, but us. I want a boyfriend I am proud to say that I can entrust anything, not a boyfriend whom even lies about his whereabouts.

This few months, I have tried to be more forgiving, understanding, appreciative and more temper control to those who are close to me, I know there are still things that I am unwilling to do, but hey, I am beginning to accept some things that you want, I really wish you would respect things that I don’t want to do as much as I respect you and the things you don’t want to do. I know maybe sometimes I am stubborn, but before saying anything, think about the tone you said certain things with, if I am stubborn even when you’re talking to me in a non-grumpy tone, then scold me, soon my little conscientious will kick in and slap me. I am sensitive, and I cry a lot, it may seem like I am using it as advantage, but I don’t show tears to those who are close to me, and if you were to ask any of my friends, the only ones who really saw my tears and the amount of times they saw it, man you would be surprised that they’re meeting the same Jenny. I guess I just react more to people who are close to me, like you. So sometimes just hug and/or pat would do the trick, but I am trying to lessen my tears; but it will take sometimes."

just sometimes, i wish that things in my mind could all just come into words and explode on him. just sometimes

Rememberance ; la douleur

This was written on Friday I believe, but just let me copy and paste this because I think I never got the chance to put this up.

Am I stupid to expect him to change, and to understand? Am I selfish for asking for simple things like talking to me at night? I see other people, and then I look at myself. I push off all of my sweet time to be with him regardless of anything, and all he can do, the best he can do is pushing SOME of his time and except my appreciation? What appreciation? Let’s be honest, I already lost all of my friends, and don’t even talk to them on the phone anymore, and now this shit? So I push my friends away, it’s something that I am “obligated” to do, and for him to push off gaming night, or even delay it, would literally kill our relationship? Wow, that’s just touchy. Exactly touchy.

Hecking every time I would skip an hangout, or skip and phone conversation. For what reason? Because Danny is finally available, and things like that, yet now a days, guys don’t appreciate, or don’t remember. Well shit.

Humanity in general, tends to remember more of the things they didn’t do, the things they piss you off with, and the things that they disagree with you about more than the things that you did that’s good and such.

In arguments like this, the ones who first remember the rights the opposite do, looses, because obviously, the guilt will come in and hit you in the head.

The funny thing is that, tomorrow is his birthday, and I was actually beginning to write his birthday card when he called, and now with that one call, everything is gone. My idea, my inspiration, everything. Why the hell will he even fight with me on a night like this.

Dark-Side ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя ·

      Lies, one by one will catch up in time. Sooner or later you will realize the things that had happen, the things that you have told others, the lies, though may cover that current moment, but it wouldn't be able to cover things forever. Like crimials, thinking that they may be able to hide forever, but there's not a forever in things. Sometimes if destiny doesnt catch up to you in time, death would. Simple enough.
      I have been lying a lot. To many, I may be this one young innocent child who just turned 18, but inside lies many deep dark secrets, lies that I would never risk my life to reveal and lose everything. I know lying in the first place have its consequence. It's either them finding out and you risking to lose things, or you gamble with chance and hope for the best. And that's what I actually do best.
      Many thinks they know me, they know how I work and all, but what they dont know is my evil side, my dark side. I seem like a happy and sunshine person, but inside fill with desire and desperateness for things that I am not able to retrieve. And sometimes that dark side tends to take over me and try to gain what it wants. I can't simply just say I lost control of my good side, because truth is, human is neutral, they have both good and bad sides, but its what they want to pick, and it's obvious for me I'd rather be picking the evil at times even though I knew there would be consequences. Isn't that strange? We knew there would be consequences but the desire is so strong that you would go for it anyways.
      I didn't know about my dark side for a long time. In fact, I didnt know that I had one until recently. It wasn't till present current and I got into a big fight and near break up to make me realize that over time, how much of the evil have taken over me. I was beginning to fear my other side thats starting to mix with my good side. But there have to be an invitation to begin with for that to be able to occur. My evil side obviously didn't wake itself up, but something obviously triggered it. That's the same for everyone. You aren't born with pure evilness, your born neutral in a sense, and the decision to stay that way or not its all up to you and the environment that you live in.
      Where am I now? Am I ready to get to know myself better? Or am I better off just living with the fact of knowing about my little evil side? I question myself sometimes, why would I choose the decision I chosen, but then the answer still remains unclear. It's really funny how things turn out in life.
      Like 01.19.2013.