HE SAID SHE SAID

I feel like everytime when I am finally getting closer to my boyfriend, I would always end up finding something that I didn’t know that he did that made me end up feeling uncomfortable again. Honestly, I hate it, and honestly I hate that he’s doing that. Right when I thought we are closer than ever, right when I thought that we finally are honest to each other and faithful, I was scrolling through facebook and one of the picture Mary was tagged in, Alfonso was holding her hand down by the beach, like what the fuck? Excuse me? Why the hell are you holding her hand, when in the picture Yoshi was walking perfectly fine. Shit, if she needs help, Yoshi can help her, you don’t need to be her shiny knight coming to rescue. Am I being too paranoid considering he was going on a 5 day catalina trip with a Christian group, and with people like her, this kind of things should be okay? I don’t know. And I guess it doesn’t help when he’s bestfriend that’s a girl lets call her Minnie tells me that he and the other girl let’s call her Megan are way closer and more intimate than they were. Then Minnie goes on telling me how he gives Megan intimate tight hugs that last ten minutes, I am just here like what the hell. On one hand he seems like a trust worthy guy, and on the other hand I hear his best friend telling me things like this and then go on and tell me not to trust me. This honestly makes me question a lot of things. I went on one 3 day trip with Minnie, who I hated for the longest time, or…well not hate, just dislike a lot, more like jealous over because Minnie and my boyfriend would always be together, and often more than we ever were together.

I don’t know, something about opposite sex friendship just don’t really work out so well. And honestly it just doesn’t help when someone he claims to be close with, someone who he breaks up with me for is telling me that he flirts a lot with other girls and that he gives long hugs. Honestly what the hell am I suppose to do when I hear shit like that? I obviously cannot just ignore it, but honestly I can’t take into account because I haven’t heard his side of the story, but I feel like no matter what he says I can’t really believe him because my boyfriend have the tendency to change stories around, etc.

All these leaves me stuck at the same place. God, I should really just stop going on facebook and checking out their pictures, because honestly no matter what I feel like I always end up finding something that my boyfriend end up not telling me about and me going all anal about it.

I am grateful that I have a blog to release my anger and my jealousy although I kind of doubt anyone would follow up with this blog and read it, after all it’s a dumb blog that doesn’t make sense half of the time. Half of the things I say here doesn’t even make sense because of my inconsistency and stuff. I should just either move on and find a better boyfriend who doesn’t do things like that, or I stay and tries to trust him. Because whatever this is, its not working. Shit. What the hell though, holding a girl’s hand at the beach? You don’t see me holding someone else’s hand at the beach. 

Desperation; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      It's amazing how far desperation can take us. Desperation, sometimes leads us to jealousy, sometimes leads so low mean cruel things and tactics you may never or could never imagine. Desperation sometimes leads to disasters, its those that lead us to. What's that phrase called? Uh, desperate time comes desperate needs? Yeah that is the phrase.
      Having a friend who is desperate for hangout with guys friends, no way. I guess there's always a reason why i hated her after getting to know her. The feeling wasn't clear until recently, more and more acts tends to show its obviousness when it hits the surface. I tend to question myself at times, what is it that i resemble with her? what is it that cause me to attract such a friend. I mean like they say, you are your friends. There's obviously a bond that keeps you guys together. It may be desperation as well, it may be because we're both desperate for friend, or we are both evil in ways which i tend to hide, but either way, still.
      She invites a group of guys, to be exact, three. One straight forward with no thinking of anything else, one is just forward about things and another that is just a plain pervert. I tend to wonder sometimes, why am I in this in the first place. Me and my other friend both disagree to the fact that she was going to invite the three guys, but then I guess in another sense of desperation she invites them anyways. Like come on, me and my friend, lets just call her A, me and A constantly tells her about not wanting to invite them but no matter what she insisted. Then what happens when they come? Disasters. Yeah, disasters. The straightforward one just went off blasting about how crappy the movie we were watching was, the other guy who's just forward on thing said it was boring and he might as well read the manga and then got bored of it. Then there's the pervert talking while harassing the friend B. I really felt like screaming and just leave the house and make them feel awkward and sorry, but i didn't  i stayed like a good audience. Mad at friend B, no matter how sorry she was I couldn't forgive her for that, not now, not later. And to make things worst, i actually trusted her enough to reply to her to only find out that she shows my text to other people. Can you believe that? Even I myself couldn't believe such thing. Like come on, if i was complaining about them as a best friend you wouldn't do that to betray each other right? Well I guess I was wrong. and of course things are just too obvious. I hate my life, I have like three paper due on Monday well that's supposingly and since I don't have school that day well cram cram cram! Anyways speaking of that there's always the other things like....HOMEWORK DUE ON TUESDAY. self stab

well until next time..

-remain unnamed.

coмғorт. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα

      People are right, relationship is nothing but trouble. Relationship is not just getting physical but on an emotional level too. Each have to give in to each other to satisfy another, yet some people tends to not do that, and leads it to a bigger argument. And sometimes they just tried too hard that they ended up harming themselves. To me, I always wanted a guy who would understand me, understand my needs and my wants, and don't force me into the things I dont want to do. And especially not pressure me. Someone who is there by my side when I need them the most, someone who knows when I need them and when to call me so that I can cry on a shoulder. Someone who are able to hear my cries and respond, comforting me. Being understanding and trying to cheer me up.
      Watching drama all my life, I realize the more I watch the more I sometimes wish to be the main character, meeting her prince charming and finally have someone who's Mr.Right, Mr.Perfect. Having someone to be there all the time and understand you to a point where they tolerate your action. Then I realize, men these days are impossible to achieve such concept.
      Why him? Why will I choose him? Out of all those guys who chased after me, out of all those guys who cared for me and loved me, i decided to pick someone who would've picked on me for life, and have never liked me. Why? Why did I pick him to crush on? He is judgmental  racist, stereotype Instead i picked someone who hates seeing or even hearing the sound of sadness, the sound of tears shedding down. Who gets annoyed, paranoid, and angry over things like thsi. Why couldnt he for once comfort me? It's funny, to other girls i have seen him comforting to them countless times, but to me, he just never does. Is it because i am already his girlfriend, and theres no need for such thing? Sometimes after aguement i would wonder, not why i didnt break up but why am i dating some. one who wouldnt try to cheer me up, try to calm me down"

Why? I just wished for more understanding, is that wrong?