So finally I am single again, offically. From all those time I post sad posts, to those time I post about stupid things he doesn't understand me doing, now I guess this will be the last post about him. Goodbye "present", you're now offically part of my past.
I guess I will wrap some memories I have of him in this blog post, and seal it from there, no more talks of him as present, no more talks about him as my current. He would be my history, something I once had, once smiled about, and will slowly fade away.
I remember every time he suggested break up, we would end up not breaking up. Not because he never meant it, but because everytime he tries to break up with me, I would end up sobbing to him, lowering my dignity to him, begging him to not leave this relationship. Why? I guess I just never really got used to being alone, and considering being with him for two years into the relationship, its just the fact that you already know so much about each other and the level of understanding is crazy to a point you don't know how you're going to start it again with someone new and achieve that kind of level. I guess he was just part of my comfort zone, something I didn't like losing.
And with the idealology my parents taught me behind, I always look at quantity over quality, like money over love? Since he was this person who is willing to go on any extend to buy me the stuff I want, I guess it just lay me a bonus of not wanting to leave me. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, but then its just his lack of understanding and trying to relate to me frustrates me sometimes (or probably all the time). I never understood him, I don't get why he would often get mad at me when I should be the one getting mad at him. He does things that a boyfriend shouldn't do to their girlfriend, yet when I point it out, he would just give me this look like I take him for granted. I don't, I really don't.
The tiring thing about the relationship I had with him is his expectation. I remember in the very beginning of the relationship, I would always be the one calling him, the one texting him, and when he doesn't reply I would be like hello? Why aren't you replying. And of course, he got annoyed by that very quickly, but then I bothered on, because that's what girlfriends and boyfriends are suppose to do. Then of course, there reached the comfort zone, where you two don't really mind anymore. And once you pass the comfort zone, it's just argument after argument I guess. He started complaining that I don't pay attention to him enough, that I don't call him anymore nor do I text him, but to be honest, it is tiring always being the one to text first, being the one who always calls first. I don't ever remember him calling me because he misses me, I don't remember him ever texted me because he wants to see me, it's always me doing it, and I felt as if I was taken for granted. And of course it's only when you lose someone that you realize how important they were in your life.
You know what kind of bullshit he texted me when he broke up with me?
"For reals over things like this. I was really going to sit down with you tomr and talk about this relationship and how we can maintain it better, but I guess that's fucking pointless now. I don't mind putting more effort into pleasing you but you have no right to get at me when I chose no to considered that amount of efor you put into it for past six month. I don't care whatever the reason it might be to cause you becoming differently in this relationship but I have been waiting for you patiently and now you wanna be an asshole about it then so be it. We are over now, and from this moment on every time you look back at this you will see nothing but regrets. For all the troubles I went though for you. I have no one to blame but myself. I guess at the end I can't really say I hate you, since you did help me grow as a person, so thank you."
So much fake bullshit here that I don't even give a fuck about anymore, if he is this much of a jerk to even put that I will be the one who have nothing but regrets? Who the fuck do you think you are? I will live my life to the fullest with or without you.
Truth be told though, I cried by myself for a while, and I even cried to my friend who I am not even super close to emotionally/mentally. I felt like my world breaking apart at one point, then I don't know why, the following few days, the only person that pops up in my head was Past. He concurred my whole thought process, and I don't know why out of any of the other time I decided to think about him then and there, especially after a break up.
I knew we weren't going to last, I knew that one day we were bound to break up, it was just the matter of time, but then I guess my brain was just never registered to the fact.
It truly gets frustrating when he pops up when I am the one who hurted him so much. He finally have moved on to someone else, and it would really be messed up of me to try to even attempt to bring him back into my life again and have his heart broken four times . He was my real first love, my longest love, the love I hide away the most, the one I truly inputted effort into. I guess it makes sense for me to think about him. If there was anyone that I was regret towards, he would be the first one, not "present". In fact, he is no where near the first I would feel regret towards. I treated him better than a lot of people would, and I actually let him pressured me. I mean seriously.
In the beginning of the relationship, he threatened me that if I don't have sex with him before our first year anniversary, he would leave me, because it juts proves that I don't love him. How fucked up is that?
It's like, shit, my bad. He said that a year is the longest he would wait and that I was lucky because most guys would just leave me already if I don't have sex with them then and there. I wasn't mentally ready, nor was I physically ready. I mean he tries to relate to me, saying that he is a virgin too, and that if he is willing to give it to me, I should be willing to give it to him. What the hell? And then he says that he done all those other things for me, and all he asks of me was sex, how hard is that. Look at me, do I look like some kind of prostitute to you? Holy shit. Thinking about all the things he said to me just made me feel less and less regret towards him leaving. I remember when he first tries to take off my pants, and I was like, "no", and he just kept doing it, saying "come on," It had to get me to cry for him to stop, what the hell. After all these he expects me to do more and more, even tried to force me to blow him. And when I say no, his response is, "come on, everytime when you ask me to do something, I always do it, and all I ask is this one thing." And I am just like, "I ask you to visit me, to call me, to read to me sometimes, but I don't ask for things that can even be compared to those, and furthermore, you don't just ask for that, you ask for sex too." And his response was, "That's the same thing, and if not I did more effort, all I ask is two things even so. Come on"
I am not even going to continue this story, let's just end it here. Good bye "present".
Showing posts with label good bye. Show all posts
Showing posts with label good bye. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
"Almost Lover"
"Almost Lover"
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
=====
I don't know why, listening to this song is just making me sad, especially with all the things that are occurring as of now. All the stress that is passing by and all the moments where I go like where am I? Why am I doing this? What's wrong with me. I don't know if its finals week finally acting up upon me, or just me losing my trace of thoughts and thinking, but for whatever reason, it is very unclear to me on all the things that are going on right now. It is also very unclear to me to all the action I have been conducting. I don't know what to blame or who to blame, even if I should be blaming anyone in the first place.
I feel like this lost lamb in the plain green grass field, confused about where I am, confused about what my goal is in life. I feel like a failure, not knowing what I want to do with my future, not having confidence in my own choice. Just living each day as if there is a next, wandering aimlessly among the rest. As people began to transfer out of this dumb community college, I am just here, still walking, lost in the same spot where I started, confused. To make the matters worst, I don't even have much motivation to study, with me having high level of distraction, it almost seemed as if I have ADD at some point
I need a mentor, I feel like I need someone to talk to about my problems. But who is there I can talk to in regards to problems like this. I never told anyone this, maybe because I am afraid of what others might say, or just simply because no one seems to care enough for me to mention it. I haven't found someone whom I can trust. I haven't found that one person who will understand all the things I have done completely. But as individual unique beings, of course no two would think alike and I understand. Yet still I am on this very spot, lost and confused.
I want to cry sometimes, thinking about everything that had happened to me. All the things that had occurred. The unexpected, the never thought would happen scenarios that occurred. Why do they happen? Why did I chose to let it happen? I often asked myself, why did I ever do that? Why did I ever chose that path over others? Other times I would close my eyes and try to escape. The voices that echos in my head often, the little whisper of "no"s, and the uncertainty of "yes"es. The constant reminder that all the rest will be biting back at me later on, the karma so they call it.
I started to ignore of good conscious, I began to ignore my bad feelings and let the flow waves take me. Is that a good thing? Is it a bad thing? It's something I know one day I will be sad about soon, is something that will caught up to me one day. But all in my head as of now was, living in the current, living in the days rather than thinking about the future.
I remember a few days ago, on Monday night, I wanted to cry, I wanted to break down. I was scared of who I was becoming. I felt the potential of me becoming someone who I no longer know, and the worst part was it's myself that I no longer know. I wanted to call my first, I wanted to see how it is doing all of a sudden. I want to see how he is doing. To be honest, I might still have a space somewhere for him. Although I haven't seen him since the time where I had a terrible headache, I haven't seen him since the trip to Universal Studios. I want to know if he moved on yet, if he finally found someone that he loves, someone that he finally cares about and cares about him back. Those moments where I was with him seems so fade, so far away. When was the last time we had a real talk? Never. When was the last time we had a heart to heart talk? Probably the only time I ever admitted that I liked him. Truth be told, I don't know what I am doing relationship wise. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship yet, maybe I need a break from guys, from love and crush. Maybe for now I should focus on what I need to and should do with myself. No more kisses and hugs, not from anyone, not from the one.
It's okay self, one more week until you're officially isolated from the school, from the entire campus. Just one more week.
Good bye my hopeless lover, goodbye, my hopeless dream
I feel like this lost lamb in the plain green grass field, confused about where I am, confused about what my goal is in life. I feel like a failure, not knowing what I want to do with my future, not having confidence in my own choice. Just living each day as if there is a next, wandering aimlessly among the rest. As people began to transfer out of this dumb community college, I am just here, still walking, lost in the same spot where I started, confused. To make the matters worst, I don't even have much motivation to study, with me having high level of distraction, it almost seemed as if I have ADD at some point
I need a mentor, I feel like I need someone to talk to about my problems. But who is there I can talk to in regards to problems like this. I never told anyone this, maybe because I am afraid of what others might say, or just simply because no one seems to care enough for me to mention it. I haven't found someone whom I can trust. I haven't found that one person who will understand all the things I have done completely. But as individual unique beings, of course no two would think alike and I understand. Yet still I am on this very spot, lost and confused.
I want to cry sometimes, thinking about everything that had happened to me. All the things that had occurred. The unexpected, the never thought would happen scenarios that occurred. Why do they happen? Why did I chose to let it happen? I often asked myself, why did I ever do that? Why did I ever chose that path over others? Other times I would close my eyes and try to escape. The voices that echos in my head often, the little whisper of "no"s, and the uncertainty of "yes"es. The constant reminder that all the rest will be biting back at me later on, the karma so they call it.
I started to ignore of good conscious, I began to ignore my bad feelings and let the flow waves take me. Is that a good thing? Is it a bad thing? It's something I know one day I will be sad about soon, is something that will caught up to me one day. But all in my head as of now was, living in the current, living in the days rather than thinking about the future.
I remember a few days ago, on Monday night, I wanted to cry, I wanted to break down. I was scared of who I was becoming. I felt the potential of me becoming someone who I no longer know, and the worst part was it's myself that I no longer know. I wanted to call my first, I wanted to see how it is doing all of a sudden. I want to see how he is doing. To be honest, I might still have a space somewhere for him. Although I haven't seen him since the time where I had a terrible headache, I haven't seen him since the trip to Universal Studios. I want to know if he moved on yet, if he finally found someone that he loves, someone that he finally cares about and cares about him back. Those moments where I was with him seems so fade, so far away. When was the last time we had a real talk? Never. When was the last time we had a heart to heart talk? Probably the only time I ever admitted that I liked him. Truth be told, I don't know what I am doing relationship wise. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship yet, maybe I need a break from guys, from love and crush. Maybe for now I should focus on what I need to and should do with myself. No more kisses and hugs, not from anyone, not from the one.
It's okay self, one more week until you're officially isolated from the school, from the entire campus. Just one more week.
Good bye my hopeless lover, goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be?So long, my luckless romance, my back is turned on you, I should've known you'd bring me heartache.
Almost lovers always do
Almost lovers always do
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Good bye floppy birds for good ? (Being taking down February 9th, 2014)
Have you heard of the newest rising star in the apple store recently? If not, look around, even in the play store, it's a pretty hot game. Made it to the number one list within days, and the game doesn't have much to it besides tapping on the screen making sure the bird flies in between the pipes. Yup, it's floppy birds. 
As of now, many of the games that's along the same branch are also on the top ten, which includes ironpants, super ball juggling, 
shuriken block, and a copy verison of floppy bird called flappy planes by some other Asian. It's scary how it's all dominating the top list chart when all they do, and the whole purpose of the game is to tap for each and every one of them. I never understood, even up to now, why all my friends are addicted to it. And heck, were in the same generations too. This game isn't just popular for teens but from kids to adult as well. Each trying their best to beat their friends score, or to test the impossible.
To be honest, my highest score was 4, so there, laugh all you want.
However, the jokes may be on you now. So, according to the Vietnamese creator of this game, Nguyen Ha Dong, he declared that he is going to take the game "floppy bird" down 22 hours from then (when he posted), although the reasons are still a bit of unsure, all we know as of now is that he said he is taking it down for personal purpose even though he earns about $50,000 from advertisements alone a day. How crazy is that?
(His tweeter is @dongatory , so if anyone wanna protest, there you have it.
So according to buzzfeed:
Nguyen Ha Dong, the indie game developer who created overnight
hit Flappy Bird, just tweeted that he is planning on taking the game down tomorrow.
I am sorry 'Flappy Bird' users, 22 hours from now, I will take 'Flappy Bird' down. I cannot take this anymore.
Although some people have accused Dong of ripping off other games, he said the decision was not because of a legal drama.
The 29-year-old from Hanoi, Vietnam created the game last May, but it surged in popularity early this year.The Verge reported it earns $50,000 a day in ad revenue.
Press people are overrating the success of my games. It is something I never want. Please give me peace.
Despite the seemingly imminent shut down, Flappy Bird seems to have recently gone under renovation.
Pipes look more polished, the background oscillates between night and day, and Flappy Bird changes from red, blue, or yellow
RT TO KEEP FLAPPY BIRD ALIVE! IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS FLAPPY BIRD WILL BE TAKEN OFF THE APP STORE!#SAVEFLAPPYBIRD
NO FLAPPY BIRD CANNOT BE DELETED!#SaveFlappyBird
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