Half of the story, the whole truth before the relationship. The lies and dishonesty.

So I created a new blog, a blog about my break up with my ex, but then reading through my old blog here "la douleur" today, I realize something. That there are a lot of stuff I have already realized early on but never changed about myself. To me, once I get it, I tend to forget how much pain I was in, and how hard I worked for to get it, that once it's in my hand, I just take it for granted, and then later regret it.
My Blog: Επόμενος
And honestly, it's scary and it's sad. Maybe that is why Pablo (a nickname I been using on my other blog to talk about my most recent boyfriend, because I don't want to use real name on the online blog), broke up with me. Because it's such a repetitive pattern, and all there is is pain time after time. Each time we said things are going to be better, it may go better for a little bit in the beginning and then it goes back to the way it was.
And now he doesn't trust the things I say, and what I do behind his back because I gave him an uncomfortable reason to trust me from the start. Truth, honest truth is, I cannot blame him. I have cheated on him behind his back ever since the beginning even before we started dating, and going out, even before we declared our relationship when we were chasing each other.
I was flirting with other guys, and I was making out here and there, to my heart's content, and it is by far the dumbest thing, which I do truly regret. All those guys I made out with, all those guys I cheated on him with, they were just bad people, people who didn't want to commit, who didn't love me for me, or care about me much, but rather just doing it for the heck of doing it. Yet I was fine with that, not thinking about how much Pablo would be hurt if he knew about all the things I did. Heck, if he ever finds out about all the things I did, there wouldn't ever be a second chance in life I would be able to get back with him, or even talk to him or be in the same room with him ever again. I would most likely be dead to him.
Even though he is the only person who probably knows most about my life, he is also the person who doesn't know a lot of things I did behind his back, and so his guts telling him not to trust me is probably right. Look at how currpted I am, and the ways I am treating him. It's not right, and I don't deserve him.
All he ever does is try to make me happy and all i ever do is try to piss him off because its kind of funny and cute to see him getting jealous over nothing, to see him getting upset. I have some issues.

It started from when we first met around late March, early April. We started talking more and more because of campaigning for student government, and from there got closer and closer I guess. And with the high hormone self, I go all out and try to flirt with everyone. I remember initially I was trying to get at another guy who was running for student government in our group of slate. But then he was too hard to get (and later I realize he is too young to get, barely 18, and not to mention one huge pothaed) and so instead I got someone else reeled in on my fishing hook instead by accident. I mean it isn't bad or anything, but I didn't intentionally get him (and he doesn't know that).
During the campaign period, I was actually still crushing hard on that one guy, let's call him Brian. But Brian was too busy to notice, he was smart don't get me wrong, he was also super good looking, and his green eyes are to die for! But hey, it didn't work out for a good reason, because pot head, no thank you. Although we did go on a retreat to Santa Barbara together, and I did end up kissing on on the side of the mouth (out of a dare on one of the nights).
Anyways, during late March, early April, I went a Spring Conference and there was a night dance afterwards, where everyone got all hot and sweaty. And there were two guys in particular that was short of chasing after me, or in a sense trying to get at me. One Hispanic and one Asian, and as a Asian person, I was of course more turned on by the Asian. And on the dance floor, although both did dance with me, the Hispanic one snagged me first, then the Asian one, but ultimately I slipped out of the Hispanic one's hand to be with the Asian one. (Let's call the Asian one Samsung).
So Samsung and I danced, pretty much rest of the night, and during one of our last songs we danced to, the floor got crazy, and our face got close, hormones got high, and kissed (with tongue and everything), my heart was racing fast, adrenaline was rushing, was turned on, and thirsty for some making out.
It wasn't hard to get some when I wanted some I guess, although I was surprised because there were girls who were prettier than me on the dance floor who didn't get hit on at all. Definitely some weird shit. And one of the people who saw it was soon going to be the one who's going to make me regret doing it, but we can talk about him later. (lets give him a nickname of Lee)
Anyways, he followed me up back to the hotel later,I mean but then the good me didn't want anything to happen, because here may be the plot twist, but I was still in a relationship with Daniel (my ex ex, my second boyfriend) when this all happened ( I didn't even remember any of this till just now, oh shit. I was in really deep shit then. Because I recall phoning Daniel when I was at the hotel during Spring Conference).
Anyways, what the hell am I talking about, the good me shouldn't have even been crushing on other people here and there, and the good me shouldn't even been flirting with other guys to begin with. What the hell, I can't believe I been playing innocent for this long, and I can't believe I have never been caught playing innocent.
People say karma will get you like a bitch, I guess it is coming. All will shit bricks when it comes. Sigh. I been an ass my whole life, I don't know how I am getting so much good blessings in my life for me to be this much ass-y and still get by with it with good people around me. Just exactly how much blessings did I collect in my past life to get this far*(1)?
I treated my first boyfriend like crap over and over, and he still comes back to me. I treated my second one like crap, and he still stuck around for a while, although he is pretty demanding. Then my third boyfriend, well he tolerated me until he can't anymore, which was still a damn long time. I must have collected a lot of blessing for all that to happen. Or maybe they're just stupid to be stuck with me, or maybe I am just lucky, and am going to run out of luck soon if I keep abusing it like that (knock on wood, lets hope not).
But going back to my story, nothing much happened, and the next day, before we departed back to Los Angeles again, he hung with me for a bit, and literally right right before we left, I used toe excuse of getting our president water to go back in the lobby, Samsung and I kissed once more in the lobby (I think our club secretary and internal vice president saw it at that time when they were coming out of the gift shop, but I was too embarrassed to ask what they actually saw, all i know is they saw us getting friendly, but that was it, thank god we weren't close enough for them to spread the rumors around haha). God, the adrenaline just gets me each time. And it's really not like I like him or anything, well maybe I was interested in him, but that was it, it was more of the at the moment thing if anything.
We went back to our lives after, and you know as long as I remember being at the community college I was in, I never really revealed to many that I had a boyfriend, and so most of the time, I was dishonest and told everyone I was single. So besides my high school friends, none of my college friends knew that I had a boyfriend at the time, which makes cheating and flirting a lot easier. And because none of Daniel's friends goes to the community college I go to (well, barely anyways, and if any, they're all fobs, so we don't ever run into each other, thank god), so cheating wasn't a problem if anything. But of course with the way I act during a relationship, having two relationship at the same time will be impossible.
Daniel and I didn't officially break up until sometime in June I believe, or May. Whenever Spring banquet was, was the time where Daniel and I broke up. I can't seem to remember the exact date, but damn, speaking of which, I have two break ups in June now with two different guys. One a year ago, and another one this year. The only difference is there is nobody to replace this one, and I really don't' want anyone to replace this one this time.

I don't know why, but there was something about the photo shoot that makes me remember that memory more in particular than any other ones, maybe it was because he mentioned it to me that he remembers that one or something I don't know. I think it was because he said that he didn't really start noticing me until the photo shoot time. Perhaps the way I dressed or something somewhere along the line? I don't recall much.

Whatever.
But when we truly got close was when my car battery didn't work, due to connection problems. And that day he was with me I guess in the beginning we were working on campaigning together or something, and then he walked me to my car or something, and right when he was going to leave I realize my car battery didn't work, and so I borrowed his phone to call my parents, and I think his phone was dying, and mine already died or something like that.
And then my parents, being the parents they're told me that they weren't going to come and told me to figure it all out myself. And being a child with no knowledge of how to fix my car, besides being told the instruction of whacking my car with a tweaser, I find it hard to repair my car.
Originally he took me to the IT build to the auto mechanic place first, with them saying that the car will have to be brought there in order for them to do anything, and with the circumstance of the car, it was impossible to bring it anywhere.
So next we went to the campus police, or we called, and they said that they no longer help jump cars. And lastly we went to his people, the engineering friends he had, and I think we went to a dude named Brent (yeah he is probably the only guy I will put out real name to, but I doubt he will ever find this blog so it's okay). But anyways, he had jump cords and offered to help, and sure enough we walked to his car, then drove to my car to try to jump it but no matter what, nothing worked. And I guess we (Pablo and I) ended up sitting on the side of the parking lot entrance after parting and thanking Brent for helping us. Then I called my parents again, and finally this time they agree to come and look at the problem.
And somehow my mom ended up just whacking it and it worked on the first try, I was like what the hell, how did she. And Pablo was shocked too, I remember he said, "Wow, I learned something today, that when the car won't start, you can try whacking your battery for it to work." And my mom told us that it was connection problem and then it got awkward because I was suppose to leave the same time as my mom, I guess, but then I wanted to thank Pablo and stuff too, so then I told my mom to go first while I said I was going to drive Pablo to his car.
Which I think I did end up driving him to his car, and then gave him a prolonged hug, thanking him for everything. And that's how we truly started, Pablo and I. Or at least the earliest memories of us being super close.
According to him, we were getting close already via facebook message, but from my memories alone, I think we didn't talk into much depth, he said we did talk about my parents, my sister and all that, but I tell everyone that, and I complain so much that I guess to me it didn't seem like that much. But maybe my memories got fabricated too, so I don't know honestly which is which.
But then agreeably that's where we both agreed where it truly started. He felt emotionally closer to me because he saw the side of me that weren't usually shown to people, the vulnerable side of my who cries, and was weak because nobody was able to help. He saw the pain that I lived through half of my life, the tears of a little girl. Something that many never seen, and honestly something that my first and second boyfriend didn't seen until late. I guess Pablo was something else.
That day was the beginning of the reign, beginning of hope and prolong hugging. It was the start of everything (and yes, I was still with Daniel then).
To me, little flirting doesn't hurt anyone. To me, little flirting, with enough control, will not lead to other things. To me, little flirting, is just to live in the moment, and nothing more. To me, it was a harmless thing.
Who knew that little feeling, that butterfly feeling, that heart skipping, mood jumping moment soon lead to many more unexpected things.
Who knew it lead to more prolonged hugs, lead to longer hugs, hugs that were dry humping, hugs that lasted a few hours, hugs that I didn't want to end, hugs that made my heart skip. And soon, a hug that led to a kiss that soon turned into penis touching, boob touching, and a relationship that lasted 9 month.
But I will save that for my next post.
Until next time.


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1.* so upon Asian superstition, especially the Buddhist believed that how well you're living this life is due to how well you acted last life. So for say, if in your past life, you did a lot of good deed and suffered a lot, in the next coming life, which will be this life, you will be living in lots of blessings. And vise versa, if you acted terribly and been a horrible person in your past life, in your next life, you might just end up on the street or something like that. So it's all about give and take, what you give is what you get, and you know, growing your own fruit of life, etc. But of course, for you to believe that you also have to believe in reincarnation.

"I don't want to be in a relationship" talk

I saw this and this definitely explains how I feel. All of it.

He says, “He DOESN’T Want a Relationship” – What Does That Mean?

Posted by Nadine Piat

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Ladies listen carefully and never forget this…

When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship it means; HE DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP now or with you… SIMPLE

A man tells you more about who he is and what he wants in the first two weeks of knowing him than he probably will in the proceeding weeks.  And unfortunately most women do not listen and pay attention to these clear indicators.

To all the broken hearted women out there who fell for the unavailable man – cry if you need to, grieve the fantasy, and then quickly move on… to a special and powerful place of self-love and new love.

It’s time to really get this valuable love lesson, and not only for your emotional wellbeing, this lesson will astronomically move you closer to REAL love, the kind of love that feels really good!

NOT… good, bad, good, terrible, painful, good, painful… that’s not how love is supposed to feel.

LOVE TIP:  PAY ATTENTION to how a man treats you and what he says, NOT what you WANT to hear or believe.

To make this all the more confusing; some men treat women well in general, even the women they sleep with yet don’t see a future with.  Most women assume that because he’s nice to her that he may want something more after all.

A good guy will tell you if he only wants something casual – what you do with that information is the difference between – frustration and hurt AND finding real commitment and love.

Women make a huge mistake by thinking one or more of the following:

• He’ll change his mind once he spends more time with me
• If the sex is good enough and I please him enough he’ll commit to me
• He’ll be ready for a relationship soon and I’ll be right here, cause I’m kind of like his girlfriend anyway
• He’s so nice to me it must mean he likes me

The moment a guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, although he likes you enough to hang out, BUT not interested in anything serious is the moment that defines all…

Why would a healthy minded, high value, gorgeous woman hang out with a man when he doesn’t want a relationship, WHEN SHE DOES?

Sometimes the guy really does like you although the timing is terrible, he’s just broken up with someone and/or still emotionally attached.  Some men won’t feel ready for commitment when certain areas of their life are not as they would like it to be, such as; not happy with his career, lost his job, not divorced yet, doesn’t feel as though he’s financial successful enough for something serious, etc.  It’s still the same thing – he doesn’t feel ready, therefore he’s not wanting a relationship right now.

Thank you 
http://healthyyouhealthylove.com/he-says-he-doesnt-want-a-relationship-what-does-that-mean/

Here are my tips for you:

1. Thank him for being upfront and honest
2. Decide if you want something casual or not
3. If you’re open to something casual you must know that that’s what it is.  Casual. Nothing more.
4. If not, be his friend only.  Do not sleep with him.  If he wants you in his life he needs to sort himself out.
5. Have NO expectations.  He may never sort himself or be ready.
6. Do NOT fantasize what it be like to be with him – he could be a terrible partner, so do not make up a story of how amazing he is.  You don’t know that.  Which leads to my next point…
7. You have your own life and catch up with him when it suits you only, he is NOT your priority
8. Date other men and do this properly, as your priority. Be OPEN to someone who’s ready for a relationship.
9. If you cannot spend time with him without having a strong yearning to be with him, or deep down you’re hoping that he’ll change his mind, then don’t see him at all.  Women make a good habit or torturing themselves.  Do not see him.  Move on. You have to trust that if he’s right for you, he will sort himself out and pursue you.  Hanging on like a bad smell doesn’t give him space to sort himself out.  You’ll still there HANGING ON to whatever he’ll give you.

The man worth your time is a man you will feel good around, safe, secure and appreciated.

A man who’s interested in a relationship with you will:

• Be happy to wait a while before having sex
• Wants to see you during the day, not just at night (or not just for a quickie)
• You may not have sex every time you see him (it’s not all about sex)
• He will want to see you on Friday and/or Saturday nights  (before 9pm!)
• After a few months he wants you to meet his friends and family
• He’ll talk about what you can do together in the future
• He’ll introduce you as his girlfriend (not as a “friend”)

So to all of the wonderful women who have fallen for Mr. Non-Commital, the lesson is – Listen and hear what he has said, pay attention to his actions, and when you know something isn’t feeling quite right then it probably isn’t.

Be strong enough to walk away from someone who doesn’t want the same things as you, and do so earlier rather than later.

You’re better off single and available for the right guy, not the guy who you want to be the right guy.

HE SAID SHE SAID

I feel like everytime when I am finally getting closer to my boyfriend, I would always end up finding something that I didn’t know that he did that made me end up feeling uncomfortable again. Honestly, I hate it, and honestly I hate that he’s doing that. Right when I thought we are closer than ever, right when I thought that we finally are honest to each other and faithful, I was scrolling through facebook and one of the picture Mary was tagged in, Alfonso was holding her hand down by the beach, like what the fuck? Excuse me? Why the hell are you holding her hand, when in the picture Yoshi was walking perfectly fine. Shit, if she needs help, Yoshi can help her, you don’t need to be her shiny knight coming to rescue. Am I being too paranoid considering he was going on a 5 day catalina trip with a Christian group, and with people like her, this kind of things should be okay? I don’t know. And I guess it doesn’t help when he’s bestfriend that’s a girl lets call her Minnie tells me that he and the other girl let’s call her Megan are way closer and more intimate than they were. Then Minnie goes on telling me how he gives Megan intimate tight hugs that last ten minutes, I am just here like what the hell. On one hand he seems like a trust worthy guy, and on the other hand I hear his best friend telling me things like this and then go on and tell me not to trust me. This honestly makes me question a lot of things. I went on one 3 day trip with Minnie, who I hated for the longest time, or…well not hate, just dislike a lot, more like jealous over because Minnie and my boyfriend would always be together, and often more than we ever were together.

I don’t know, something about opposite sex friendship just don’t really work out so well. And honestly it just doesn’t help when someone he claims to be close with, someone who he breaks up with me for is telling me that he flirts a lot with other girls and that he gives long hugs. Honestly what the hell am I suppose to do when I hear shit like that? I obviously cannot just ignore it, but honestly I can’t take into account because I haven’t heard his side of the story, but I feel like no matter what he says I can’t really believe him because my boyfriend have the tendency to change stories around, etc.

All these leaves me stuck at the same place. God, I should really just stop going on facebook and checking out their pictures, because honestly no matter what I feel like I always end up finding something that my boyfriend end up not telling me about and me going all anal about it.

I am grateful that I have a blog to release my anger and my jealousy although I kind of doubt anyone would follow up with this blog and read it, after all it’s a dumb blog that doesn’t make sense half of the time. Half of the things I say here doesn’t even make sense because of my inconsistency and stuff. I should just either move on and find a better boyfriend who doesn’t do things like that, or I stay and tries to trust him. Because whatever this is, its not working. Shit. What the hell though, holding a girl’s hand at the beach? You don’t see me holding someone else’s hand at the beach.