The rainy night

On this rainy night, all I can think about is the other side. Many have others to care for. Like for say, "it's raining tonight, so it will be colder, please take care of yourself." 

At first, I thought, "oh, maybe I can say it to my 'present'" (for those who don't know, present is another why I address my current boyfriend, because naming is too unnecessary for situations like this) Only to realize that I have no one to say it to. Present and I haven't spoken for a while; I am tired of his attitude, his ungratefulness, his self blame, and all the other things. Sometimes it seems as if we were merely compatible while other times it seems like we are the happiest couple there is on the street. The relationship I have with him is just so complicated. He doesn't see the things I see, and when I try to tell him the things I see, he just thinks I'm being immature and don't see the whole picture when in fact I am the one seeing everything from head to toe. It's just fustrating to see that, to see the things he doesn't see. And when I tell him, go ask other people and they would agree with me, he would be like, "am I other people? They are them and I am me. You can't compare the two of us." And that just fustrated me even more, sometimes to the point of breakage. He claims that I will never find a guy who would do all the things he does for me, which I know is not true, because I knew Past would've done anything in his power to get me what I want back then, and even now. 

Silly me, thinking that everything would've worked out, thinking that we had a chance, taking my happiness with me to the grave. I don't know what to do anymore. And this isn't even my first time hitting this problem. Our relationship have definitely hit downhill for a while, I guess I am just too stubborn in routine to see this. What should I do ? Anyone 

Anticipation.

Anticipation. What I use to have before being with present. What I had always liked and get excited over. How would every thing be like if we weren't over? How would everything turn out if we were t over? I really did love him. I really did miss him.
I had a dream a while back. Not a ordinary dream, but then a dream about past. A dream about seeing past while camping in Yosemite by the beach. Around the restroom, where I came out from (and trust me that restroom wasn't all that pretty either, besides the bike that was there w a jacket or helmet in which I cannot remember). It suddenly turned into a line w people lining up and be was there. His hands were wrapped in a scarf. Well one hand. And his other? Holding his other hand. As I passed by we saw each other. At first I avoided his eye contact. Then I looked back, and accepted the truth of his existence. Not just in life but in everything else. Afterwards, I had a bucket in my hand. And I guess I was suppose to fill it up for my nephew. But it was really heavy. And behind me was past and a random guy. Probably a friend of his. As I filled the water I asked, "aren't you guys gonna help?" And slowly they came up, the water was taking forever to fill too! When finally full past attempted to help but before anything I lifted the bucket myself and spill some water but then to prevent more spills I dropped water around the cemented ground and then went to my nephews as the two guys followed. The dream ended w me pouring the bucket of water on the area of sand that my nephew was digging hole on. It was an happy dream. A dream that I never thought of dreaming about. But then again, maybe I have but then I just simply don't recall it.

The dream follow that after falling asleep again was about visiting Taiwan. Grandmas house of course. But not all goes well ends well you know. Sometimes it's just that simple. My second aunt died and that house was sold. Sighs. I really wish I could go back and visit everyone before they leave one by one :(

Destined.

I give up the man I want. The man I love. The love of my life. For what? For this romance trouble. I mean do I even love him? I am pretty sure perhaps, but honestly, past was the true soulmate. Someone that i was sure destined to be with. The one that I didn't bring up enough courage to fight for. To stand by. Maybe he was lucky to lose me, I mean after all i probably only bring him and current present pain. Look at me, who would want me? Okay, a couple guys would, but that's not the point. Never was.
I always thought being with past would be the happiest thing in my life until realizing that I cannot gather up courage to be up to his face about things. Being with him makes my heart race each time, and eventually leads to me holding back. Shyness more like it. And that is exactly what caused me to not be able to speak from my heart in the heart to heart talk with present current. It may sound stupid but sometimes I wonder if I was ever meat to be with present current. Or maybe were just like he said, "not destined to be". Well, like the song, time will tell...

random thoughts.

      Watching Gossip Girl late at night in this windy weather made me realize something...on the 5th season, 24th episode, around the 19th minute of the clip on cokesandpopcorn, it made me realize something. Blair, the girl who love both Dan and Chuck was now on the edge of having to make a last decision. Chuck, the love of her life, is finally tired of this game Blair have put up. Going on and off on him, and Dan, who was Blair's current love is also tired of this, and with Gossip Girl, the one who is pushing Blair onto the edge on the spot, Dan felt insecure because she posted a post from Blair's Diary how no matter what Dan is, Blair questions herself, about whether she will ever come to love Dan like how she loves Chuck.
      It all drove off to confusion, another triangle love that is. Watching this, it just reminds me of mine slightly. It reminded me of the love I had, those thoughts I thought of in my head yesterday as well. I chose present over past, because present love is secure, its safe, its calming, its everything a normal relationship should have, but then honestly, do I really crave for that deep down in my heart? I dont know anymore, nor am I sure of my decision. But I love him, I love him dearly, I dont know what to do anymore. I think I am beginning to be saying that a lot, to a point where I wonder, why do I even worry about this anymore? Why do I even care? la dauleur. la dauleur.

eveɴтѕ - ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      Events tends to be tiring at times, but then it's the joy in the process of mkaing it happening that makes it enjoyable and fun to bare with. Many times I tend to ask myself, why am I putting so much effort into things that maybe we should all be working towards, and then i realize the answer, because the joy and the happiness you get from seeing their face tends to be priceless. Even a simple smile or thank you really tends to make up for those troublesome moments. You may not understand what I am saying but you know happiness isn't to keep to one self but to share it among with everyone else.
     Maybe that's what the Grinch's heart grew bigger and bigger as he saw the ray of happiness shining upon the city even though they were present-less. So did Grinch really stole Christmas? Or in a sense was he really the Santa that showed everyone what Christmas was all about? The one who united them all? Oh the irony.  
      Well as for now, here's the event as it goes on so far. The list is so ironically combined. I mean Ann and Jenny haha, that is like connect two of the same magnet, always repel against each other yet now their gifting each other gifts. Haha, hopefully through this it would make them closer together. And last secret Santa that we played during senior year Melissa's secret Santa was Jocelyn, and Melissa was my secret Santa. It's very funny how things turned out. Maybe that's life for you.
      I don't know about you guys, but my favorite part of the whole season is seeing everyone's happy and joyful face and Christmas shopping. Perhaps shopping is in all girl's genes, but then i don't know why, when i shop for someone else i tend to be happier than shopping for myself, maybe its the excitement you get when you think of their face when they receive the present and all. Or maybe the season is just a bit overly jolly that you tend to not be able to wipe away that smile. But for whatever it is, it sure makes the whole year worth the wait.

      The Secret Santa List:

Ann Yee - Jenny Lu

Jenny Lu - Ann Yee

Connie Lai - Jenny Chuang

Melissa Hua - Jocelyn Del Rio

Jenny Chuang - Melissa Hua

Jocelyn Del Rio - Connie Lai

      I am pretty sure i didnt write this in my last blog, but then my parents removed my doorknob..why you ask? Because my parents are multi-house owner or landlord i guess? And they rent out their houses, and in one of their houses they needed a doorknob, and our of the whole house, our of all the doorknobs they could have taken, they decide to take mine. And I am the one who uses my doorknob the most. Isnt this ironically? I mean yeah i would totally understand if i never use my doorknob and all, but no, none of my parents use their door knob yet i am the one who they take away from. Sigh. That's life for you. Well until next time.