HE SAID SHE SAID

I feel like everytime when I am finally getting closer to my boyfriend, I would always end up finding something that I didn’t know that he did that made me end up feeling uncomfortable again. Honestly, I hate it, and honestly I hate that he’s doing that. Right when I thought we are closer than ever, right when I thought that we finally are honest to each other and faithful, I was scrolling through facebook and one of the picture Mary was tagged in, Alfonso was holding her hand down by the beach, like what the fuck? Excuse me? Why the hell are you holding her hand, when in the picture Yoshi was walking perfectly fine. Shit, if she needs help, Yoshi can help her, you don’t need to be her shiny knight coming to rescue. Am I being too paranoid considering he was going on a 5 day catalina trip with a Christian group, and with people like her, this kind of things should be okay? I don’t know. And I guess it doesn’t help when he’s bestfriend that’s a girl lets call her Minnie tells me that he and the other girl let’s call her Megan are way closer and more intimate than they were. Then Minnie goes on telling me how he gives Megan intimate tight hugs that last ten minutes, I am just here like what the hell. On one hand he seems like a trust worthy guy, and on the other hand I hear his best friend telling me things like this and then go on and tell me not to trust me. This honestly makes me question a lot of things. I went on one 3 day trip with Minnie, who I hated for the longest time, or…well not hate, just dislike a lot, more like jealous over because Minnie and my boyfriend would always be together, and often more than we ever were together.

I don’t know, something about opposite sex friendship just don’t really work out so well. And honestly it just doesn’t help when someone he claims to be close with, someone who he breaks up with me for is telling me that he flirts a lot with other girls and that he gives long hugs. Honestly what the hell am I suppose to do when I hear shit like that? I obviously cannot just ignore it, but honestly I can’t take into account because I haven’t heard his side of the story, but I feel like no matter what he says I can’t really believe him because my boyfriend have the tendency to change stories around, etc.

All these leaves me stuck at the same place. God, I should really just stop going on facebook and checking out their pictures, because honestly no matter what I feel like I always end up finding something that my boyfriend end up not telling me about and me going all anal about it.

I am grateful that I have a blog to release my anger and my jealousy although I kind of doubt anyone would follow up with this blog and read it, after all it’s a dumb blog that doesn’t make sense half of the time. Half of the things I say here doesn’t even make sense because of my inconsistency and stuff. I should just either move on and find a better boyfriend who doesn’t do things like that, or I stay and tries to trust him. Because whatever this is, its not working. Shit. What the hell though, holding a girl’s hand at the beach? You don’t see me holding someone else’s hand at the beach. 

Rememberance ; la douleur

This was written on Friday I believe, but just let me copy and paste this because I think I never got the chance to put this up.

Am I stupid to expect him to change, and to understand? Am I selfish for asking for simple things like talking to me at night? I see other people, and then I look at myself. I push off all of my sweet time to be with him regardless of anything, and all he can do, the best he can do is pushing SOME of his time and except my appreciation? What appreciation? Let’s be honest, I already lost all of my friends, and don’t even talk to them on the phone anymore, and now this shit? So I push my friends away, it’s something that I am “obligated” to do, and for him to push off gaming night, or even delay it, would literally kill our relationship? Wow, that’s just touchy. Exactly touchy.

Hecking every time I would skip an hangout, or skip and phone conversation. For what reason? Because Danny is finally available, and things like that, yet now a days, guys don’t appreciate, or don’t remember. Well shit.

Humanity in general, tends to remember more of the things they didn’t do, the things they piss you off with, and the things that they disagree with you about more than the things that you did that’s good and such.

In arguments like this, the ones who first remember the rights the opposite do, looses, because obviously, the guilt will come in and hit you in the head.

The funny thing is that, tomorrow is his birthday, and I was actually beginning to write his birthday card when he called, and now with that one call, everything is gone. My idea, my inspiration, everything. Why the hell will he even fight with me on a night like this.

Expectations ; la douleur

It's one of those sometimes that make you realize, throught influences you would expect so much more from a person. From driving all the way there to visit you to valentine chocolate anydays, but regardless, everyone compares their own relationship to another. It could be fictional, or it could be nonfiction. But whatever it is, it makes us wonder not just about the society, but ourselves as well. You can live on your life denying the fact that somebody else influenced you to become the way you are, but you know and cannot deny that somewhere deep within you, you have the desire to achieve forward, into what you think is a better and more valuable relationship where you're being rather than "whatever"ed, you're being treasured. 

There are few friends I see in the relationship that had this great guy in their lives who would just do anything for them. From waiting after every so often to the Kim Possible motto, "call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me". Sometimes I feel like my relationship doesn't achieve in such a great way in compare to those, sometimes I felt like it couldn't even compare to the last one I am in, and the last one I am in, we barely did anything. And maybe that's is the problem itself. Because the last relationship lasted shorter and infact we didn't even get to know each other well to a point to get into an argument. The only thing I remember from tearing are the facts that he sometimes doesn't understand me, but then that's all that there is. And to be honest, I loved him too much. 

From experiences, "too much expectations, too much pain". So pretty much expectation is a part of pain. You expect too much, and then they don't meet up to your expectation, BAM, a scar right in the center of your heart. 

I sometimes tend to wonder about how life is without a boyfriend, or actually being single to date, yes it may sound like the stupidest thing to think about, but to the ones who are in troubled relationship, it's the best thing to think about as of now. We all been through a lot in our lives, but one thing that no matter how much we been through we don't learn from is comparing other people's lives to yours. I mean even from the beginning, comparing lives of others to yours isn't even comparable in the first place. Other people is other people, and you are you. There's always pro and cons to life. Sometimes don't you ever think, "oh thank god that wasn't me." Or like, "thank god that's not my parents." Or even, "thank god I don't live in the same situation." Because the truth is, you know your life is better, at point to point if you're to compare with everyone. There's gotta be fruits one some part of the tree that are sweet. You just need to stop and look around.  

shine ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя (happiness)

      This isn't a talk about depression, nor a talk of complain, but instead happiness that shines bright within me right now. Shines away all the darkness. Today, hanging out with old friends from high school shown my true happiness. Though meeting so many people in college, not one person can replace or fit in a place where these two idiots of mine that always makes me smile and tries their best cheering me up at times. I dont know what I would do without them. So this article is especially written for them. Though they will probably never find this blog, or ever read it, I feel like its my obligation to write it down here as my feelings you know.
      Hanging out all the time sure makes the friendship stronger than before, but then hanging out once every rare occasion makes everything special. I finally realize it isnt the amount of times you hang with someone but your feeling towards them. A little of double meaning there, but then of course only I would get it, because afterall, its relating to something i been hiding deep within myself. Something I probably will never reveal to anyone in the world.
      One terrible thing that happened today though it while driving and turning at this intersection, since i was running a bit late I didn't slow down at a turn, and there was a dip right there. By driving 30 miles per hour it really isnt something safe to talk about. But anyhow, there was this huge bomb noise, super loud, and I was scared, literally, and i think everyone else was too. After that I kept hearing scratching noise, loud ones. I was scared of the fact that it might be coming out from the car, scaring of the fact that my bumper was the one that fell. As i parked on the side of the road, I realize it was something that was plastic that was under the car, behind the bumper (thank god it wasn't the bumper, or else my parents would kill me and murder me.) but anyways I panicked because the truth is I cant really drive anywhere with a plastic protector of the bottom of the car, half lingering and half still up and fine you know. Nor did I have the tool to untwist the thing that held those two halves together.
      I knew I couldn't drive all the way to school like that, because its 30 minutes away. So I decided to run into the private school near the street, but to realize I have no idea where the entrance was. It was then I saw this one latino man walking down the sidewalk. Chance! I thought to myself as I yelled towards his direction. "Hi, uhm can I borrow your phone?" He seemed a bit stranged out and confused, I mean if it was me I would too. And plus stranger danger even though I am the younger one here. As I pointed to my car, he then broke through the awkward zone and came offering his help, and ripped the half of the protector off and explained how it wouldn't cause a problem because that was only used as a protector.
      It was then, i begun to drive more cautiously than usual that day, but at the same time felt lucky and thankful towards life. I mean how lucky am I to find someone who would actually offer help and come by an empty sidewalk. Today is a good day. Thank you lord, god, and budda, espeically mommy for blessing me on such a lovely thursday.
      All I can say is...as a conclusion, there is hope for human kind! (haha jk its a joke conclusion, just ignore this line haha)

Wonders and desires

      Sometimes I wonder why are things always so unfair when it comes to me. The family I live in, many tends to be jealous. Getting to go everywhere, being able to see far places and experience new things, not having a care of when to get home and all. Why shouldnt they be jealous? But then sometmes its just those uncaring feeling, the feeling of them being unable to understand what you're going through that makes it unutterable.
      I sometime wish for a family that take me to places that I want to go. Not even to buy me stuff, but instead letting me buy stuff. I mean, I am not even asking for the basics, and yet this is happening. All I ever wanted, have they ever knew what it was? My favorite food? My favorite thing to do? Of course not. I don't think many parents would care for that. I sometimes wonder how it would be like if my family were actually different. If we were to live somewhere else. And spend our lives as other people. I wonder what will happen then.
      I am thankful my parents aren't strict and desire me to study on daily basis and restrain me from the use of electronics  But again I am jealous of them for caring for their kids, and buy the food that their kids want to eat. I mean if i were to point a finger at what I want then they would be like, "its too expensive," or "do you really need this?" or even, "maybe when its on sale." but deep down, I already know that day wouldn't come. Yet i expect so much.
      Desperate people at desperate need huh? Maybe people, humanity in general seek for things they cant acquire  hoping that they would be able to gain some. People's thoughts are strange. And the purpose of living, i still dont know yet. Maybe its some kind of experimental game the upper people have on us. Adding a little here and little there.


6:27 pm edit;

It's on Christmas Eve that I realize, if you don't take credits for the things you have done, soon without realizing it, others will take the credits for you. -_- typical life

ιт'ѕ coмplιcαтed. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα

      Looking through your pictures, looking through my comments, looking through those replies that you given. A few simple comment could already bring up a whole stack of memories. Then what am I suppose to do when I see you face to face once again?
      You, posting a picture of your self with long hair, because I never seen you in a suit, because I told you to grow out your hair.
      Me, commenting on the picture with just one word, "fat." can trigger up a smile upon your face.
      You, seeing the short comment, can rise with an smile and reply with things like, "again???? -.- LOL xDD hahahaha slap ur face later LOL xDD". Just with that one sentence, nostalgic feeling of us being together came back to me again.
      It is wrong? Should I not have these kind of feelings? Already half way through the day, yet you are still in my mind. Thinking that I was long over you, finally forgetting your existence, oh boy was I wrong. Even though denial towards myself works, but then when reality hits in, nothing can stop it, nothing can stand in the way of it.
      Why, why did I break up with you? Why did I ignore you? Why couldn't I face you? Is my love for you too much for me myself to handle? Perhaps that's the reason why. The reason why I can't love you anymore. Maybe its because of how strong my love is for you that's making me pulling myself away from you.
      It's stupid, because ever since young, I always thought love is real, love is pure, love is everything you think it is. And just like fairy tales, true love will last forever. Watching drama in my teenage years, I begin to wonder why are people so stupid? Why would they pull themselves away from the ones that loves them truely for the ones that even though loves them but contradict themselves. And why do others who truely love each other run away from each other, and cause misunderstandings? Although in the end things always resolve, it just tends to piss me off, why will they even think of leaving each other? If they love each other, if it was love at first sight or true love, why will the avoid each other. Then it was not until I hit high school that I begin to come to an understanding.
      Love is a strange word, it cannot be simply defined. And with just an phrase, "I Love You." Though can fill you up with warmth, or happiness, its mostly a lie. People when they say the phrase, 90% of them probably don't even mean them. Stupid complex love. Why is it so complicated?
      I use to think, that love is already enough, love itself can fullfill anything, and can last forever. My head's been sticking to that thoughts stronger everyday, until high school. Junior year hit me.
      It was junior year that all the things happened, and it was junior year that my heart was first broken, then back in love, then confused, then turned to complicated. Even now, I am still confused. I dont even know what to do anymore.
      Maybe people are right, money can really change things. Economic stands can really change things. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you really just simply cant be with them, especially when you're as selfish as me. Everything that happened up to today is my fault, my choice, and if I ruined it, of course, its me that's suppose to be the one to be pointed finger at. <- im not even sure if that makes sense. But sigh, one more final to go, so until next blog of the day.

until then!

chao!

ѕтσяιєѕ ℓєαяηє∂ - נєѕѕιcα. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα

      La douleur, why do I post this title as a blog name? When you find the root source of this phrase  that's when you will realize what it meant. What this whole blog meant.
      Today, after class, spending time with my classmate who I have done nothing but chatting during class with. Having dinner, and hanging out in the park made me realize something. Something valuable I learned. Being a leader. My friend, she was a victim, a victim in relationship. Another victim that is. Are guys just that unthoughtful, greedy, and inconsiderate? I think not. But of course, I have never stepped into her shoes, so I shouldn't know this.
       She, like many girls, were lied to, and were used. Thought that it was true love, but in the end, just another fool. Another fool too innocent to think of anything else. Stupidity. Love makes people blind, so they say, and I can't agree more. She, back in her home country, Vietnam, was with this popular singer. Thinking that it was love at first sight, doing things from commitment to the basic relationship to house work all over her boyfriend's house. Doing orders coming down from his parents, things that only house cleaning ladies would do. Like a housewife, trapped in a loop of circle, not knowing that she's been used all this time. Everytime when she was over, she would do nothing but work and more house work, nonstop, meanwhile the boy would just make an excuse of "work" and leave the house without a care. Stupid enough like she is, she would believe him and stay in the house to help out. But what she doesn't know at that time was that everytime when he claims to be working, he was actually seeing girls, seeing girls behind her back, cheating on her each time.
      All three years of the relationship, she have done nothing but committing, believing in the love they had, having a long distance relationship. To be honest, unless the guy truly loves you deep down in the heart, long distance relationship will never last, ever. I have seen it, I have experience friends who had those stories, I know. And not to mention cheating, i mean if he were to cheat when she's like few steps away from him, then obviously when she's out of the country, he will cheat more. After all, all she is was just a tool, a toy to play with, a thing that he can show off around saying that he once had.
      She gave me some inspirational speech today, though still an immigrant, and only been in relationship once, she have told me something I decide to take in as consideration. "Be a leader," she said, "be someone who leads, not follow" "because, in the very end, if you are a follower, you will just be another girl in the guy's life." I find flaws in that statement, but then at the same time i found truth, I found something in that speech that was worth following. If we lean too much and give in too much, in the end, we will just be another item, another object to them.
      Sometimes I feel so lucky, I feel so lucky that in all my 18 years, I have never had such terrifying experience with love, with relationship, with guys, or else I may end up like her, losing faith in love and relationship, losing faith in people. I am grateful for all the guys that had happened in my life. Then ones that I let go, and the ones that I hold on, the ones that I questioned, the ones that I regret. Without them, I wouldnt be the me I am now, and without them, I would have became someone else.
      Listening to stories are a great way to cheer yourself up, sometimes its those tragic that makes you have those sudden realization about how lucky you are to be here and not in the same position as them. But then sometimes I still question, does he really love me like he said he does?
      My boyfriend, he although cares about me a lot, gave in a lot, give a lot of sacrifices  I sometimes wonder, truthfully, does he really care that much? Deep inside, is it the loneliness in all these years part of the reason why he loved me? If he cares, why would he pressure me into things I dont want to do. But now, listening to her, listening to the stories, I have decided, as of now, i will not be pressured into the things that I dont want to do.
     If I dont want to do something, I won't do it. Not because I dont love them, its because if like they said, they love me either way, whether I do the things they ask or not, then why should I do it? Because I should give in efforts too? Well, I will give in efforts too then, but just not in the ways that he craves for, not when it runs against my belief. Because if he loves me, he then will also respect me.

broke. ):

      Don't you guys just hate those moments where you really crave for something and then something goes wrong and you ended up not having whatever it was that you want? Well, this happened to me today, and actually yesterday and the day before that. I wanted something cold, more like ice cream, but then smoothie or boba would have done the job. But then i totally forgot to bring my wallet that consist of not just my money but my school identification card as well. With that in mind life seems impossible. I didnt have water, and because i didnt have money yesterday and my throat was dried up as if they were the after effect of raisins from grape. And had to borrow a dollar or so from a friend of mine. Like i didnt have enough debts already purchasing lunch this other day with my other friend's money. But that's not the point, the point is that, today because i dont hang out with the same group of people, i wasnt able to get money. And money didnt really came into my head until after choir class when all we sang were god this god that. Christian songs if you were wondering.
      I MEAN SERIOUSLY, what do you do when you are really thirsty, theres no one you know around and you have only $.50 cents in your backpack? Seriously, you cant get anything. Sigh. This is depressing, so because there was this event earlier during lunch and they were giving away stuff, i stole one of their staff's four mini water bottles. Well, she wouldnt notice....i hope. Well that is all for now! Until then? (:

oh and p.s.
you guys need to watch the wongfu weekend with all the famous asian youtubers play soccer! (: really! haha me gusta! *u*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=9-o5bmr94Uo&feature=endscreen

тнoѕe мoмeɴтѕ. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα

      Those awkward moments when you and your past no longer collide the way you wanted it to. Those awkward moment where you wished everything that had happened havent, and things can start over. It's those moments that makes you have second thoughts in life. Why did we do this? Why did we do that? Only if this happened....only if that happened...and such and such. Many of us have regrets just like that, and then we question our own action.
      Sometimes when you finally meet up with your past again you suddenly realize, how nice it would have been if those things that caused the conflict didnt happen. If you didnt choose to do that. If in another paraelle universe you were actually smarter and did the right choice. But then of course, we all have times where we dont know what we do or we dont give second thoughts, or simply we dont predict the future.
      It's those feeling that lead me into writing today's post. It wasnt because of some major conflict, it wasn't because of those loneliness, but because of those nostalgic feeling you had about the past when you see that person. Its those flashback that pops up that makes you realize how nice it would have been if those things didn't happen. How great of a time you guys would be having. Regardless of having to worry or avoid them as of now.
      Life is so silly at times. Back in elementary, back in kindergarten, whenever you did something wrong, most likely you guys would still be talking even after that. Reason? You were just a simple pure kid, with nothing to worry about or having to have second thoughts about. Why can't we do the things like how it was? Why do we have to worry so much? Why does life have to be so complicated as of now?

      But honestly, when i was a kid, i was quite a lonely kid. No friends, and the only one that's true by my side would be my mom. But she's gone now. So who's truely close to me by heart? I dont know anymore. Many may say boyfriend, may say best friend, yes thats true, they are close, they are by far the closest thing to my heart as of now in compare to anyone else. But deep down,

eveɴтѕ - ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      Events tends to be tiring at times, but then it's the joy in the process of mkaing it happening that makes it enjoyable and fun to bare with. Many times I tend to ask myself, why am I putting so much effort into things that maybe we should all be working towards, and then i realize the answer, because the joy and the happiness you get from seeing their face tends to be priceless. Even a simple smile or thank you really tends to make up for those troublesome moments. You may not understand what I am saying but you know happiness isn't to keep to one self but to share it among with everyone else.
     Maybe that's what the Grinch's heart grew bigger and bigger as he saw the ray of happiness shining upon the city even though they were present-less. So did Grinch really stole Christmas? Or in a sense was he really the Santa that showed everyone what Christmas was all about? The one who united them all? Oh the irony.  
      Well as for now, here's the event as it goes on so far. The list is so ironically combined. I mean Ann and Jenny haha, that is like connect two of the same magnet, always repel against each other yet now their gifting each other gifts. Haha, hopefully through this it would make them closer together. And last secret Santa that we played during senior year Melissa's secret Santa was Jocelyn, and Melissa was my secret Santa. It's very funny how things turned out. Maybe that's life for you.
      I don't know about you guys, but my favorite part of the whole season is seeing everyone's happy and joyful face and Christmas shopping. Perhaps shopping is in all girl's genes, but then i don't know why, when i shop for someone else i tend to be happier than shopping for myself, maybe its the excitement you get when you think of their face when they receive the present and all. Or maybe the season is just a bit overly jolly that you tend to not be able to wipe away that smile. But for whatever it is, it sure makes the whole year worth the wait.

      The Secret Santa List:

Ann Yee - Jenny Lu

Jenny Lu - Ann Yee

Connie Lai - Jenny Chuang

Melissa Hua - Jocelyn Del Rio

Jenny Chuang - Melissa Hua

Jocelyn Del Rio - Connie Lai

      I am pretty sure i didnt write this in my last blog, but then my parents removed my doorknob..why you ask? Because my parents are multi-house owner or landlord i guess? And they rent out their houses, and in one of their houses they needed a doorknob, and our of the whole house, our of all the doorknobs they could have taken, they decide to take mine. And I am the one who uses my doorknob the most. Isnt this ironically? I mean yeah i would totally understand if i never use my doorknob and all, but no, none of my parents use their door knob yet i am the one who they take away from. Sigh. That's life for you. Well until next time.