Many says unconsciousness and desire are completely two different objects, but others says their the same. If you take time to think about it, unconscious mind, uses dreams to express our inner desire. Last night I dreamed of my college good friend, let's call him J because afterall this is a blog, and we can't really be naming real people name since its all anonymous and all. So I dreamed of going to a fancy five star restruant by myself, sitting at the edge of the table eating, just a bit lonesome, with nobody around. And I felt a bit awkward and all. Then the bigger (long) table that is next to me came into focus, and on the table was this old couple, eating their appitizer salad. Then as the main course came it was J who was bringing the dish with a chef hat, representing that he probably paid the place to let him make the food for them. So in my dream, it tells me that it was J's father's birthday and he wanted to surprise him by being the chef and all. I was shocked that he would do that, and just staring at him and his chef hat. And we caught my eyes, and as our eyes met, i quickly went back to my plate of food and my book. Later on that day at the mall (the restruant was apperantly located inside the mall), he sat down on the couch next to mine, I took a look and told him to come and scoot next to me, in which he did and we started talking for a while. Then I guess I went by his house later on or something, and to find out that everyone was meeting at his house and all. (Everyone as in the people who i normally hangout with in college) And as we were sitting there at J's couch, everyone were talking to different people, and I was just glaring at random area, and later, he started chatting with me. We were having a blast or something. Then after the whole thing is over, as everyone was returning home, J was about to leave to head out, and so i asked, "where you going?" and he said oh why? I replied, because its already like 10 PM and i need a ride home. And he was like oh well what's your curfew? And i was like, I dont have one. And so he asked, if i wanted to go to a strip club with him. (this was probably from when he was checking out the 18+ magazines during our trip to fry's) I was like fine, sitting next to him I was kind of afraid of going there, because there would be a bunch of pervs, but then to think, i was also disappointed to see J becoming that type of person.
And then the next thing you know, I woke up and that was pretty much the end of the story. I just feel like that i might have a thing for J even though i am currently with my present. I feel like I just like being tortured and being saddened. I mean right now I got most of the things i wished for you know. Present turned more patient for me, more caring and definately more understanding and all, being forgiving too, but then its just that I dont know. We always often have things we don't agree on and it's just a toll on the relationship. I just feel like sometimes he doesnt understand me and sometimes he just doesnt try to understand me. It makes me feel a but lonesome in the inside. I wish i can simply be a mind reader and read what peopel are thinking. It would maybe make my life easier. Sigh. like the saying i guess, if the boy isn't bad the girl doesn't love em'.
Showing posts with label complicated. Show all posts
Showing posts with label complicated. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Colorless Worlds
It's really been a while since I have written an blog huh? College life seems to be catching up to my social life, or maybe the other way around, and blogging is just another thing that's on the back of my head. A lot of things happened throughout all these times; even though I didn't post a blog, it doesn't mean my life goes happily ever after. Sadly, it may be the other way around.
I dont know where the bad day should start, or even how. Maybe we should start from before Knotts'. Knotts was suppose to be a trip that we all planned to go, and sadly, with everyone's complication, it just made it hard. It first started out with Friend A's break up with her "boyfriend" which leaves her boyfriend unable to go. Then after, Friend B had an super early curfew of 6, which thus leaving the fun out of the amusement park, since come on, who wants to leave that early if they were to pay $40 something to go to a place. Friend C then bailed out because she appearntly decided to make plans after everything's planned out. And ultimately Friend D calls in sick at the day of the trip. Ultimately leaving me having to cancel all of the activities that day.
Prior to that day, my college buddies and I hung around this girls' house till 2 playing monopoly deal. Haha we are such geeks. BBQ at her house celebrating Cesar Chaves' day even though we don't even know who that person is. Suprisingly, my mom was still awake at 2 am and caught me home late, and was mad as ever, I mean what can an Asian family's daughter be doing at 2 am with her college friends? Answers normally can be simple and just be reponded with few words, but how are you suppose to say, mom we play monopoly deals the whole night till we are tired of it and went home. Like who in the world is going to buy that?
By now, you may be bored or tired of this article already, yet kind of felt obligated to read the rest since you have came so far. Well, I am telling you, its not worth your time...so with that in mind, if you have something better to do at this time, feel free to do so.
Well as I move on back to the point of my story, I was willing to risk my groundingness to hang with my friends at amusement park than to make excuses and cancel, which appearnatly none of my other friends can do. Jenny then was a bit upset, so we planned a hangout at the mall a little after the morning cancellation, but little do I know our wifi router broke down, leaving me connectionless since everything from home phone to computer is "internet-needed". I dont have a cell phone, parents are not home, how in the world am i suppose to contact anyone like that? Appearantly right after Jenny and I planned, Danny and I got in a fight because I inserted Jenny's hangout as a priority, which was then cancelled, and thus pissing me off more. Leaving me with nothingness, I ended up going home after staying in my car for three hour, roaming in my seat aimlessly.
I began to view the world differently. I begun to see it a little gray, a little black and white. What happened to all the colors, I would ask myself. What happened to all those times where I held my beliefs.
Gone.
Gone.
All gone.
Maybe that's what long term trust gets you,
fucking no where.
I dont know where the bad day should start, or even how. Maybe we should start from before Knotts'. Knotts was suppose to be a trip that we all planned to go, and sadly, with everyone's complication, it just made it hard. It first started out with Friend A's break up with her "boyfriend" which leaves her boyfriend unable to go. Then after, Friend B had an super early curfew of 6, which thus leaving the fun out of the amusement park, since come on, who wants to leave that early if they were to pay $40 something to go to a place. Friend C then bailed out because she appearntly decided to make plans after everything's planned out. And ultimately Friend D calls in sick at the day of the trip. Ultimately leaving me having to cancel all of the activities that day.
Prior to that day, my college buddies and I hung around this girls' house till 2 playing monopoly deal. Haha we are such geeks. BBQ at her house celebrating Cesar Chaves' day even though we don't even know who that person is. Suprisingly, my mom was still awake at 2 am and caught me home late, and was mad as ever, I mean what can an Asian family's daughter be doing at 2 am with her college friends? Answers normally can be simple and just be reponded with few words, but how are you suppose to say, mom we play monopoly deals the whole night till we are tired of it and went home. Like who in the world is going to buy that?
By now, you may be bored or tired of this article already, yet kind of felt obligated to read the rest since you have came so far. Well, I am telling you, its not worth your time...so with that in mind, if you have something better to do at this time, feel free to do so.
Well as I move on back to the point of my story, I was willing to risk my groundingness to hang with my friends at amusement park than to make excuses and cancel, which appearnatly none of my other friends can do. Jenny then was a bit upset, so we planned a hangout at the mall a little after the morning cancellation, but little do I know our wifi router broke down, leaving me connectionless since everything from home phone to computer is "internet-needed". I dont have a cell phone, parents are not home, how in the world am i suppose to contact anyone like that? Appearantly right after Jenny and I planned, Danny and I got in a fight because I inserted Jenny's hangout as a priority, which was then cancelled, and thus pissing me off more. Leaving me with nothingness, I ended up going home after staying in my car for three hour, roaming in my seat aimlessly.
I began to view the world differently. I begun to see it a little gray, a little black and white. What happened to all the colors, I would ask myself. What happened to all those times where I held my beliefs.
Gone.
Gone.
All gone.
Maybe that's what long term trust gets you,
fucking no where.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
My Mother's Life, an inspirational yet touching true story of her life. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
The pain, the suffer, the sacrifice. This article is going to be special, this article is written dedicated for my mother, whom I knew would never read this, but still she's a true hero. With all due respect, please do not take this article without permission, and if use any, please credit my mom at least for it.
My mother started off her childhood not easy, having 4 siblings, she was in the middle. Out of all her silbings, she was the one who was the least spoiled, she was the one who faced most of the harshest things that anyone could have faced in the society of poor. She, is a really unique girl who deserves more than she have right now, she deserves a better man than my father.
Her mother to start off would always spoil the others when they ask her for money. Unlike her other silbings, asking her mother for money, she went off joining the malitary in Taiwan and became a nurse after with all the money that was gained through everything she would give most of them to her mother, leaving her self with barely enough to live. The greedy sisters would still continueiously seek her mother for money, and secretly the mother, weak as she was already, would give it to them when the whole purpose of those money was for her so that she would be able to live a good life.
In her mid-age, she met my dad, which then I dont know how, never asked, it would be too awkward to ask anyways. Maybe Ill ask my dad later on in life, but not now. Meeting my dad in the medical field while around malitary wasn't really a good idea. And definately marrying him wasnt a good idea either.
As my mother pursues her nursing later on in the United States, she knew little than enough to keep her alive. Yet somehow manages to survive. She was defaintely a great role model. She entered the United States, with a little cash, a little knowledge of its foreign language, and no one to take her around, she was literally lost, didn't know where to go. And back then, Asians migrating wasn't even a big thing. Barely any Asian were at California then.
When her career was finally stable enough, she moved her three children to the United States for better education with the citizenship she gained. Another wrong decision she made by settling in the US and leaving her husband back in Taiwan to work, intrusting him in the relationship and the family. It wasn't long before he began to flirt, and soon enough cheat on her. Who knew how long this have been going on, but then it was one of those times where protection wasn't enough and an accident happened. And that's where I came into the story. Yup, you would think the whole time, the mother I talked about is my biological mother? Wrong. It was my adoptive mother who learn to love and forgive in a sense and allow me into her life.
It was on one of those typical days where one of her friend needed someone to look after her grandmother and asked my mom to help out. That's where the surprise visit came in. It was because of my mother's surprise visit back to Taiwan made her saw what happened. That's where I came in to the story for real in life form. That was the time when I was about to come out of the womb and mother had no one to call but my dad,and sadly, she was there as well when it took place. And according to her, she was the first one to held me in her arms, all along, thinking that it was my mom who held me, thinking that she was the bigger person in the picture. In fact it was actually mother herself. After everything was settled, when everything have calmed itself, one person that wasn't calm was mother. She didn't know what to do. That was the downest part of her life. No the struggle she had coming to the US, not the fear of not knowing anyone and having to survive in a foregin country, but facing her husband cheating on her and having a bastard child. It was then, thanks to Buddhism that calmed her down completely, if it wasn't for them, mother wouldn't have made it until today.
He never comforted her, he never really sincerely apologized either. And that left a huge mark on her. I mean if I was the one, I would have left everything and just return back to US with a divorcement and start new. But mother did, she stayed and settled, trying to forget and forgive. Though there's always this mark of scar on her, but then she hid it well, all these 18 years, I wonder how she survived. The more I learned about the truth, the more guilt I felt. I was the stone in their relationship, if my existent wasn't present, then this family may have a chance to live happier than ever, but then again, that would mean my dad may continuously cheat. Oh well, maybe this was all fate in a sense.
Now today, why did I out of no where wrote this article? My parents once again broke into a huge fight with my dad starting everything with greed. He cared about himself more than others, and money obviously more than his wife. I really do feel bad for my mom, it was at that time I wish I had a job already, and a place of my own, a place where mother can come and escape all these miserable hell. But then again, I am just a 18 years old with all the "irresponsible" marks on my head, what can I possibly do? I feel like punching my dad hard, hoping that he would get some sense in his system. I wished for powers to change my dad's mindset, and become a good husband, but then again, those are just wishes not things that can be done easily.
At this point in life, I began to feel thankful, not just because I have a life already given at the palm of my hand, but a good life, a life many like my mother would be jealous of. A life where guys that are really truely after me, and the ones that I have been with are all good and not bad influences. That I have extreme luck, though there are down hill many time, but the uphill is really rewoarding. Thank you for everything you have done mother, you are truely a hero in my heart, the only thing i regret is not being able to be your friend and be there to talk with you about these and make you feel better. Making work the only escape place, the only paradise to escape from troubles. I am sorry.
My mother started off her childhood not easy, having 4 siblings, she was in the middle. Out of all her silbings, she was the one who was the least spoiled, she was the one who faced most of the harshest things that anyone could have faced in the society of poor. She, is a really unique girl who deserves more than she have right now, she deserves a better man than my father.
Her mother to start off would always spoil the others when they ask her for money. Unlike her other silbings, asking her mother for money, she went off joining the malitary in Taiwan and became a nurse after with all the money that was gained through everything she would give most of them to her mother, leaving her self with barely enough to live. The greedy sisters would still continueiously seek her mother for money, and secretly the mother, weak as she was already, would give it to them when the whole purpose of those money was for her so that she would be able to live a good life.
In her mid-age, she met my dad, which then I dont know how, never asked, it would be too awkward to ask anyways. Maybe Ill ask my dad later on in life, but not now. Meeting my dad in the medical field while around malitary wasn't really a good idea. And definately marrying him wasnt a good idea either.
As my mother pursues her nursing later on in the United States, she knew little than enough to keep her alive. Yet somehow manages to survive. She was defaintely a great role model. She entered the United States, with a little cash, a little knowledge of its foreign language, and no one to take her around, she was literally lost, didn't know where to go. And back then, Asians migrating wasn't even a big thing. Barely any Asian were at California then.
When her career was finally stable enough, she moved her three children to the United States for better education with the citizenship she gained. Another wrong decision she made by settling in the US and leaving her husband back in Taiwan to work, intrusting him in the relationship and the family. It wasn't long before he began to flirt, and soon enough cheat on her. Who knew how long this have been going on, but then it was one of those times where protection wasn't enough and an accident happened. And that's where I came into the story. Yup, you would think the whole time, the mother I talked about is my biological mother? Wrong. It was my adoptive mother who learn to love and forgive in a sense and allow me into her life.
It was on one of those typical days where one of her friend needed someone to look after her grandmother and asked my mom to help out. That's where the surprise visit came in. It was because of my mother's surprise visit back to Taiwan made her saw what happened. That's where I came in to the story for real in life form. That was the time when I was about to come out of the womb and mother had no one to call but my dad,and sadly, she was there as well when it took place. And according to her, she was the first one to held me in her arms, all along, thinking that it was my mom who held me, thinking that she was the bigger person in the picture. In fact it was actually mother herself. After everything was settled, when everything have calmed itself, one person that wasn't calm was mother. She didn't know what to do. That was the downest part of her life. No the struggle she had coming to the US, not the fear of not knowing anyone and having to survive in a foregin country, but facing her husband cheating on her and having a bastard child. It was then, thanks to Buddhism that calmed her down completely, if it wasn't for them, mother wouldn't have made it until today.
He never comforted her, he never really sincerely apologized either. And that left a huge mark on her. I mean if I was the one, I would have left everything and just return back to US with a divorcement and start new. But mother did, she stayed and settled, trying to forget and forgive. Though there's always this mark of scar on her, but then she hid it well, all these 18 years, I wonder how she survived. The more I learned about the truth, the more guilt I felt. I was the stone in their relationship, if my existent wasn't present, then this family may have a chance to live happier than ever, but then again, that would mean my dad may continuously cheat. Oh well, maybe this was all fate in a sense.
Now today, why did I out of no where wrote this article? My parents once again broke into a huge fight with my dad starting everything with greed. He cared about himself more than others, and money obviously more than his wife. I really do feel bad for my mom, it was at that time I wish I had a job already, and a place of my own, a place where mother can come and escape all these miserable hell. But then again, I am just a 18 years old with all the "irresponsible" marks on my head, what can I possibly do? I feel like punching my dad hard, hoping that he would get some sense in his system. I wished for powers to change my dad's mindset, and become a good husband, but then again, those are just wishes not things that can be done easily.
At this point in life, I began to feel thankful, not just because I have a life already given at the palm of my hand, but a good life, a life many like my mother would be jealous of. A life where guys that are really truely after me, and the ones that I have been with are all good and not bad influences. That I have extreme luck, though there are down hill many time, but the uphill is really rewoarding. Thank you for everything you have done mother, you are truely a hero in my heart, the only thing i regret is not being able to be your friend and be there to talk with you about these and make you feel better. Making work the only escape place, the only paradise to escape from troubles. I am sorry.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Parallel Universe. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
"Don't act like your single if you want to be in a relationship"I find that truthfully true, because to be honest, who will want their opposite date to be someone who flirts with other girls? If my boyfriend were to flirt to a certain extend, then I truely dont think he should date.
There's a limit to things, to all things, and sometimes we tend to drag it a little further each time when we know that we wouldn't get in trouble. But its from those times where we decide to take one step more beyond limit that we end up in heartbreak. Today morning when my boyfriend acting like a morning alarm, waking up early, wearing boxer to the kitchen to call me giving me a wake up call without waking up his roommates in the cold, instead of getting a thanks for doing this or any appreciation at all we ended up getting into fights because he wouldnt stay up later on in the day to text me. I understand I really am asking for more and more as the relationship progresses, but to be honest, isnt this what all relationship is about? You tend to go further and further to a certain extend where they can't take it anymore and boom! break up.
In dramas, everything felt so unrealistic. A guy accepting for who you really are regardless of your attitude in life and towards him and the others. A guy not complaining but trying to protect you in every single way possible, a guy who knows you by heart, someone you dont need to talk to and already understand you. How far is current present away from that guy? Sometimes i sigh because i know if I were to compare him with my ex, its somewhat impossible to compare. Sometimes I wonder in the parallel universe was I happier?
I could always imagine myself in the parallel universe happy, parents free, action free, and not worrying about money or anything. Infact I was living with my sister in West Los Angeles, going to Santa Monica City College, and living the life, not worrying about hunger, not worrying about nagging parents, not worrying about who will do the laundry, damn life is good. Having companies and people who respect you and listen to you. And of course, a boyfriend who can drive all the way over here to see me, a boyfriend who have a car, a job, and loves you a lot and you love him a lot. All those were possible, yet i threw them all away, do I regret it? I never really did but then now, when being questioned by current present recently as well as the arguement, the more I see it the more I began to realize maybe he is right. Maybe current present is right, "maybe we were not meant to be."
What do I do now? I wish for an answer upon the wishing star, but on this starless night, where could I find that shine?
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Forever gone ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
Losing past. Choosing to lose past, here I thought I made the right choice, but maybe I am wrong. I mean, was I ever happy? Ever in love with current present? I am not even sure myself. I doubt myself at time, trying to convince myself, this is what I want. Present, current, not past. But of course that was just convincing. I don't understand love anymore, why can't it be simple? But then again, complication is what makes up life now isn't it?
Like what I do every often, I tend to check upon his facebook, knowing that we were no longer friends on facebook, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see his everything, at least I have some little things I can still see. We weren't friends, but then we weren't complete stranger either. Then it was yesterday before I fell asleep that I realize something. Past have blocked me out of his life once again on facebook. I could no longer view his things. Similar things have happened before, its so weird and strange. First it was me blocking him, both of his account, because he kept stalking me, trying to message me nonstop, adding me, etc, then I unblocked him after a time period because he gave up on me, and I of course, wanted him back. Strange isn't it? Psychotic i would prefer. Then of course he added me, later on around april fools when we started talking again. Then when I begin to ignore him after graduation, or maybe a little before? He unfriended me, probably because he knew what I was doing. But then around my birthday, actually on my birthday, he greeted me a happy birthday. And that was it, a day later, I thought of it so much, that I actually replied, breaking my own rules about not talking to him ever. Then a month back or so? Or two weeks ago, when eating at a cafe, meeting him by either fate or coincidence, I avoided him, not because it was embarrsing, but because I still loved him, my heart still pounded for him, still raced for him. I still blushed for him, but of course I didnt express any of those out beside the blushing because there's nothing I could do about it. And I guess eventually sometime around these weeks he blocked me. Why I wonder. Why.
If he is over me, shouldn't he not block me, but instead, pretend I was someone else? If he didn't cared anymore or loved me, why would he block me if I am no threat to him? Because of that I started wondering the whole night. What was he thinking?
Sometimes, just sometimes I wish things were to be back normal. Back in those middle school days where things were easier. When current, present isnt here, and past is still chasing after me. And our connection and bond was so strong that no matter where, we attract each other. I missed that. I missed you past. I really did. And in fact, still kinda do at times. Thinking of losing you wouldnt, and shouldnt be this painful. I was wrong. Way wrong. And I am sorry. It's just too bad that you wouldnt see this ever. Or else, maybe we would have had another chance.
Like what I do every often, I tend to check upon his facebook, knowing that we were no longer friends on facebook, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see his everything, at least I have some little things I can still see. We weren't friends, but then we weren't complete stranger either. Then it was yesterday before I fell asleep that I realize something. Past have blocked me out of his life once again on facebook. I could no longer view his things. Similar things have happened before, its so weird and strange. First it was me blocking him, both of his account, because he kept stalking me, trying to message me nonstop, adding me, etc, then I unblocked him after a time period because he gave up on me, and I of course, wanted him back. Strange isn't it? Psychotic i would prefer. Then of course he added me, later on around april fools when we started talking again. Then when I begin to ignore him after graduation, or maybe a little before? He unfriended me, probably because he knew what I was doing. But then around my birthday, actually on my birthday, he greeted me a happy birthday. And that was it, a day later, I thought of it so much, that I actually replied, breaking my own rules about not talking to him ever. Then a month back or so? Or two weeks ago, when eating at a cafe, meeting him by either fate or coincidence, I avoided him, not because it was embarrsing, but because I still loved him, my heart still pounded for him, still raced for him. I still blushed for him, but of course I didnt express any of those out beside the blushing because there's nothing I could do about it. And I guess eventually sometime around these weeks he blocked me. Why I wonder. Why.
If he is over me, shouldn't he not block me, but instead, pretend I was someone else? If he didn't cared anymore or loved me, why would he block me if I am no threat to him? Because of that I started wondering the whole night. What was he thinking?
Sometimes, just sometimes I wish things were to be back normal. Back in those middle school days where things were easier. When current, present isnt here, and past is still chasing after me. And our connection and bond was so strong that no matter where, we attract each other. I missed that. I missed you past. I really did. And in fact, still kinda do at times. Thinking of losing you wouldnt, and shouldnt be this painful. I was wrong. Way wrong. And I am sorry. It's just too bad that you wouldnt see this ever. Or else, maybe we would have had another chance.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Brickwalls.
Behind each and every wall is a story. It may be a story of sadness or a story of happiness. But at this time, all these ever was is the story of sadness. Pure sadness.
I always thought, your soul-mate the person who you are bound to be with will understand you and match you in all sorts of ways, but then maybe I am wrong. After all, present, current, he isn't my soul-mate Then again, we go back to the question, why did I leave my past behind if he was my soul-mate Why did I think that he didn't fit for me? Why do I look down on him and all? The answers may be all buried in within my heart, probably even I will never figure out what's me thinking deep down in there.
Thinking that I was able to stop a fight by tears, the weakness of present, current. I was wrong. Things were getting back on track until he started saying how I embarrass him in front of my friends. I mean come on, what is there to be ashamed of. I responded jokingly like oh you lost your dignity long time ago, and with a serious reply, he tells me that, "It's not dignity, its pride." Same god damn thing. Its something you cared about what other people think of you with. I mean if you were to have so much pride in the first place you wouldn't be worrying now would you? No!
Current is a huge hypocrite, thinking that things should be all these and that, but when actually he doesn't even do it himself at times. He expect me to always be on his side and take it. Always and never talk behind his back or even say bad things about him. Like come on, that's what close friends do, but in this case, I have more than one close friends. Sigh, I really wonder where he stands now. I told him the truth oh you never always stand for me, you don't always stand for me and you expect me to stand for you? Isn't that a bit ridiculous? Then he tells me how offended he was when I call him a fob, and to be honest I think everyone knows this, and in fact none of them minded yet he did. Sometimes I just wanna slap myself to see if this is even actually real? I call him hyper sensitive because to be honest, if you're close with someone and tease them on their weakness, to be honest, you are sensitive, and that's totally fine. But not knowing or not coming to the conclusion of accepting it is unacceptable.
Maybe he will never realize this, maybe he have a lot of things to back up against me. Sometimes I just wish I am good at arguing with people like him and I can speak a piece of my mind without current disagreeing with me.
Until next time.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Losing myself. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
The pain, here I am again, wanting to have a blade cut through my veins. Maybe that will stop me from leaking the pain slowly. The heart stabbing is slowly killing me. I wonder, why couldn't anyone understand me? Is it because I am not worth the time to be understood? Or what was it?
My current have finally offically hang up and ignored my calls. I guess he is tired of me, but this time what did I do wrong? This time he asked for whether I'll be around on christmas or not, because he can only go with one or the other. Well, very well, but due to the arguement and the sudden call my sister have to dial. He doesnt understand how much her words hurted me mentally. No one knew how fragile my mentality is, but of course they wouldn't, because no one really cared about my mentality. I can be totally mentally unstable and all current wants is me stop crying, and to my family, ha like they fucking cared in the first place.
Why couldn't I spared with a bit more understanding? Why is this world so unfair? Perfect boyfriend? Boyfriend I want? i think by dating current, I am beginning to know what I want for an boyfriend. But the more I realize what I want, the more I realize I wouldnt be able to get it from him.
I want a guy who when a girl cry, doesnt just hug them and pat, but try to hear things out. Doesnt just force tears to stop by threatening or kissing, but by being patient and understanding and talk it through. I want a boyfriend when I get mad or sad over a parental issue, doesnt just go, "What am I suppose to do?" or "Just cope with it, because as of now there's nothing I can do." etc, but instead trying to say positive things and comforts. But then of course, I want more that are simliar to these, but then of course, those are not going to be true now are they?
But then what if they are all right, my family, parents, siblings and boyfriend? What if I am inconsiderate, selfish, one minded, taking everything for granted, and unthankful for everything around me? What if i am just another hypocrite that doesnt understand myself as good as I thought I had manage to understand myself? What if I am mentally illed?
I dont know anymore. Living under this family really sometimes get to me. The pain, the confusion, losing myself in the process. What is happiness?
My current have finally offically hang up and ignored my calls. I guess he is tired of me, but this time what did I do wrong? This time he asked for whether I'll be around on christmas or not, because he can only go with one or the other. Well, very well, but due to the arguement and the sudden call my sister have to dial. He doesnt understand how much her words hurted me mentally. No one knew how fragile my mentality is, but of course they wouldn't, because no one really cared about my mentality. I can be totally mentally unstable and all current wants is me stop crying, and to my family, ha like they fucking cared in the first place.
Why couldn't I spared with a bit more understanding? Why is this world so unfair? Perfect boyfriend? Boyfriend I want? i think by dating current, I am beginning to know what I want for an boyfriend. But the more I realize what I want, the more I realize I wouldnt be able to get it from him.
I want a guy who when a girl cry, doesnt just hug them and pat, but try to hear things out. Doesnt just force tears to stop by threatening or kissing, but by being patient and understanding and talk it through. I want a boyfriend when I get mad or sad over a parental issue, doesnt just go, "What am I suppose to do?" or "Just cope with it, because as of now there's nothing I can do." etc, but instead trying to say positive things and comforts. But then of course, I want more that are simliar to these, but then of course, those are not going to be true now are they?
But then what if they are all right, my family, parents, siblings and boyfriend? What if I am inconsiderate, selfish, one minded, taking everything for granted, and unthankful for everything around me? What if i am just another hypocrite that doesnt understand myself as good as I thought I had manage to understand myself? What if I am mentally illed?
I dont know anymore. Living under this family really sometimes get to me. The pain, the confusion, losing myself in the process. What is happiness?
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
random thoughts.
Watching Gossip Girl late at night in this windy weather made me realize something...on the 5th season, 24th episode, around the 19th minute of the clip on cokesandpopcorn, it made me realize something. Blair, the girl who love both Dan and Chuck was now on the edge of having to make a last decision. Chuck, the love of her life, is finally tired of this game Blair have put up. Going on and off on him, and Dan, who was Blair's current love is also tired of this, and with Gossip Girl, the one who is pushing Blair onto the edge on the spot, Dan felt insecure because she posted a post from Blair's Diary how no matter what Dan is, Blair questions herself, about whether she will ever come to love Dan like how she loves Chuck.
It all drove off to confusion, another triangle love that is. Watching this, it just reminds me of mine slightly. It reminded me of the love I had, those thoughts I thought of in my head yesterday as well. I chose present over past, because present love is secure, its safe, its calming, its everything a normal relationship should have, but then honestly, do I really crave for that deep down in my heart? I dont know anymore, nor am I sure of my decision. But I love him, I love him dearly, I dont know what to do anymore. I think I am beginning to be saying that a lot, to a point where I wonder, why do I even worry about this anymore? Why do I even care? la dauleur. la dauleur.
It all drove off to confusion, another triangle love that is. Watching this, it just reminds me of mine slightly. It reminded me of the love I had, those thoughts I thought of in my head yesterday as well. I chose present over past, because present love is secure, its safe, its calming, its everything a normal relationship should have, but then honestly, do I really crave for that deep down in my heart? I dont know anymore, nor am I sure of my decision. But I love him, I love him dearly, I dont know what to do anymore. I think I am beginning to be saying that a lot, to a point where I wonder, why do I even worry about this anymore? Why do I even care? la dauleur. la dauleur.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
love complex. ;ℓα ∂συℓєυя
All I ever wanted, was to see you smiling, all I ever wanted was you to be right beside me, all I ever wanted was you and me. Why cant you ever see that? You're so stupid. I always loved you and only you. No matter how many guys I try to have a crush on, when I see you, it's like a auto reset, all back to you again. No matter how hard I try, to forget you, to erase you from my past, it just seem impossible.
I thought I erased you completely, this whole 6 month, being in a relationship with someone who I had a crush on, thinking that that will make whatever we had over. I thought I could do it, I thought that you and I was really over until that day, when I faced you once again. My heart, instantly recognized you from a far. It didnt take long for it to start racing from the top. My mind, already panicking and wanting to run away. I calmly reacting on the outside, acting a bit nervous, because what am I suppose to do? All the symptom of love is showing, something I cannot stop myself from. I am seriously hopelessly in love and denial. Why will I leave you in the first place? More ever, why did I leave you?
I dont know anymore. Is it wrong to be feeling like this for your ex? And more ever, is it wrong to be comparing and missing your ex each time when your current present does something that to you, no boyfriend should do? I guess.
Today when he went off, hanging up and decide to end the whole night's conversation just in 20 minutes, it made me felt uneasy. The insecurity kicked in. All those calls back then, he would never leave me within this short of a time. Even for gaming, I remember the first month, actually the first few month when we use to skype starting from 7, he would invite me into the chat that he had with Rudi when he's playing video game with him. Now, just a simple, hey Rudi fixed his game, I'll text you later. Not even a offer of wanting to stay there with Rudi and him. Well I guess guys have their gaming world, but honestly, I guess its really true that guys will treat you like you are all they got the first few month of the relationship and slowly back down.
As the time progresses, I started to see the progressing of laying back kicking in. From early calls as early as 5, or 7 PM to now a 11:30 PM or 12 AM call. From a I'll walk to your house everyday at 9 and get there at 9:30 AM to a I might get to your house at 11 AM and then maybe fall asleep and end up not waking up until 1 PM, and say a sorry and pretend like nothing's happened.
Relationship is a strange thing. The longer it last, the more greedy you came upon, and the more you would want. Before just a simple holding hand would do, and now, without harrasment it wouldnt do the day? Does all guy wish for this? I started out just wanting a simple love, where no harrasing is involved, and look what I am into now. From a thought of no sex until marriage to a relationship will only last if you have sex with me, and the maximum limit I am giving you is our anniversary date. Like honestly, its not that I am insecure, its just thats my way of thinking. How my mind is set to. No sex unless marriage. No matter what the hormones are telling me, I am gonna stick with my belief, and when you came in and hit me, it really got me confused. What should I do? I dont want to lose you, but nor will I want to lose my virginity this early. Sigh, I dont even know anymore.
What is love? You tell me that you are doing this because you love me, you are doing this, wanting the sex because it will bring us closer. But honestly tell me which guy doesnt crave for sex. I am just a girl with naive thoughts being tainted more and more as the days go on. I am confused now. At times I really want to break up, break it, I cant handle sex, I really cant, but then I really do want to be with him. I do care for him and all. And I do put effort, but going through sex is really just too much for me. I really hoped he would've understood, but then maybe I am wrong, afterall he is still a guy.
Can someone please tell me what to do?I am here, lost once again.
There's a Christmas Party I been planning for a whole two month, wanting it to be perfect, or at least good, but relectant on whether or not I should invite my current. The thoughts battle each other each time behalf of his action, and now I am stuck. A few moments ago when I was still on the phone with him I really wanted to tell him, then when he chose gaming over me, I shrink back into my shell. Maybe I should just wait, and time will tell.
Until next time.
yisa yu 暖心 <- great depressing song if you want something sad and sounds nice ^_^.
I thought I erased you completely, this whole 6 month, being in a relationship with someone who I had a crush on, thinking that that will make whatever we had over. I thought I could do it, I thought that you and I was really over until that day, when I faced you once again. My heart, instantly recognized you from a far. It didnt take long for it to start racing from the top. My mind, already panicking and wanting to run away. I calmly reacting on the outside, acting a bit nervous, because what am I suppose to do? All the symptom of love is showing, something I cannot stop myself from. I am seriously hopelessly in love and denial. Why will I leave you in the first place? More ever, why did I leave you?
I dont know anymore. Is it wrong to be feeling like this for your ex? And more ever, is it wrong to be comparing and missing your ex each time when your current present does something that to you, no boyfriend should do? I guess.
Today when he went off, hanging up and decide to end the whole night's conversation just in 20 minutes, it made me felt uneasy. The insecurity kicked in. All those calls back then, he would never leave me within this short of a time. Even for gaming, I remember the first month, actually the first few month when we use to skype starting from 7, he would invite me into the chat that he had with Rudi when he's playing video game with him. Now, just a simple, hey Rudi fixed his game, I'll text you later. Not even a offer of wanting to stay there with Rudi and him. Well I guess guys have their gaming world, but honestly, I guess its really true that guys will treat you like you are all they got the first few month of the relationship and slowly back down.
As the time progresses, I started to see the progressing of laying back kicking in. From early calls as early as 5, or 7 PM to now a 11:30 PM or 12 AM call. From a I'll walk to your house everyday at 9 and get there at 9:30 AM to a I might get to your house at 11 AM and then maybe fall asleep and end up not waking up until 1 PM, and say a sorry and pretend like nothing's happened.
Relationship is a strange thing. The longer it last, the more greedy you came upon, and the more you would want. Before just a simple holding hand would do, and now, without harrasment it wouldnt do the day? Does all guy wish for this? I started out just wanting a simple love, where no harrasing is involved, and look what I am into now. From a thought of no sex until marriage to a relationship will only last if you have sex with me, and the maximum limit I am giving you is our anniversary date. Like honestly, its not that I am insecure, its just thats my way of thinking. How my mind is set to. No sex unless marriage. No matter what the hormones are telling me, I am gonna stick with my belief, and when you came in and hit me, it really got me confused. What should I do? I dont want to lose you, but nor will I want to lose my virginity this early. Sigh, I dont even know anymore.
What is love? You tell me that you are doing this because you love me, you are doing this, wanting the sex because it will bring us closer. But honestly tell me which guy doesnt crave for sex. I am just a girl with naive thoughts being tainted more and more as the days go on. I am confused now. At times I really want to break up, break it, I cant handle sex, I really cant, but then I really do want to be with him. I do care for him and all. And I do put effort, but going through sex is really just too much for me. I really hoped he would've understood, but then maybe I am wrong, afterall he is still a guy.
Can someone please tell me what to do?I am here, lost once again.
There's a Christmas Party I been planning for a whole two month, wanting it to be perfect, or at least good, but relectant on whether or not I should invite my current. The thoughts battle each other each time behalf of his action, and now I am stuck. A few moments ago when I was still on the phone with him I really wanted to tell him, then when he chose gaming over me, I shrink back into my shell. Maybe I should just wait, and time will tell.
Until next time.
yisa yu 暖心 <- great depressing song if you want something sad and sounds nice ^_^.
Monday, December 10, 2012
ιт'ѕ coмplιcαтed. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
Looking through your pictures, looking through my comments, looking through those replies that you given. A few simple comment could already bring up a whole stack of memories. Then what am I suppose to do when I see you face to face once again?
You, posting a picture of your self with long hair, because I never seen you in a suit, because I told you to grow out your hair.
Me, commenting on the picture with just one word, "fat." can trigger up a smile upon your face.
You, seeing the short comment, can rise with an smile and reply with things like, "again???? -.- LOL xDD hahahaha slap ur face later LOL xDD". Just with that one sentence, nostalgic feeling of us being together came back to me again.
It is wrong? Should I not have these kind of feelings? Already half way through the day, yet you are still in my mind. Thinking that I was long over you, finally forgetting your existence, oh boy was I wrong. Even though denial towards myself works, but then when reality hits in, nothing can stop it, nothing can stand in the way of it.
Why, why did I break up with you? Why did I ignore you? Why couldn't I face you? Is my love for you too much for me myself to handle? Perhaps that's the reason why. The reason why I can't love you anymore. Maybe its because of how strong my love is for you that's making me pulling myself away from you.
It's stupid, because ever since young, I always thought love is real, love is pure, love is everything you think it is. And just like fairy tales, true love will last forever. Watching drama in my teenage years, I begin to wonder why are people so stupid? Why would they pull themselves away from the ones that loves them truely for the ones that even though loves them but contradict themselves. And why do others who truely love each other run away from each other, and cause misunderstandings? Although in the end things always resolve, it just tends to piss me off, why will they even think of leaving each other? If they love each other, if it was love at first sight or true love, why will the avoid each other. Then it was not until I hit high school that I begin to come to an understanding.
Love is a strange word, it cannot be simply defined. And with just an phrase, "I Love You." Though can fill you up with warmth, or happiness, its mostly a lie. People when they say the phrase, 90% of them probably don't even mean them. Stupid complex love. Why is it so complicated?
I use to think, that love is already enough, love itself can fullfill anything, and can last forever. My head's been sticking to that thoughts stronger everyday, until high school. Junior year hit me.
It was junior year that all the things happened, and it was junior year that my heart was first broken, then back in love, then confused, then turned to complicated. Even now, I am still confused. I dont even know what to do anymore.
Maybe people are right, money can really change things. Economic stands can really change things. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you really just simply cant be with them, especially when you're as selfish as me. Everything that happened up to today is my fault, my choice, and if I ruined it, of course, its me that's suppose to be the one to be pointed finger at. <- im not even sure if that makes sense. But sigh, one more final to go, so until next blog of the day.
until then!
chao!
You, posting a picture of your self with long hair, because I never seen you in a suit, because I told you to grow out your hair.
Me, commenting on the picture with just one word, "fat." can trigger up a smile upon your face.
You, seeing the short comment, can rise with an smile and reply with things like, "again???? -.- LOL xDD hahahaha slap ur face later LOL xDD". Just with that one sentence, nostalgic feeling of us being together came back to me again.
It is wrong? Should I not have these kind of feelings? Already half way through the day, yet you are still in my mind. Thinking that I was long over you, finally forgetting your existence, oh boy was I wrong. Even though denial towards myself works, but then when reality hits in, nothing can stop it, nothing can stand in the way of it.
Why, why did I break up with you? Why did I ignore you? Why couldn't I face you? Is my love for you too much for me myself to handle? Perhaps that's the reason why. The reason why I can't love you anymore. Maybe its because of how strong my love is for you that's making me pulling myself away from you.
It's stupid, because ever since young, I always thought love is real, love is pure, love is everything you think it is. And just like fairy tales, true love will last forever. Watching drama in my teenage years, I begin to wonder why are people so stupid? Why would they pull themselves away from the ones that loves them truely for the ones that even though loves them but contradict themselves. And why do others who truely love each other run away from each other, and cause misunderstandings? Although in the end things always resolve, it just tends to piss me off, why will they even think of leaving each other? If they love each other, if it was love at first sight or true love, why will the avoid each other. Then it was not until I hit high school that I begin to come to an understanding.
Love is a strange word, it cannot be simply defined. And with just an phrase, "I Love You." Though can fill you up with warmth, or happiness, its mostly a lie. People when they say the phrase, 90% of them probably don't even mean them. Stupid complex love. Why is it so complicated?
I use to think, that love is already enough, love itself can fullfill anything, and can last forever. My head's been sticking to that thoughts stronger everyday, until high school. Junior year hit me.
It was junior year that all the things happened, and it was junior year that my heart was first broken, then back in love, then confused, then turned to complicated. Even now, I am still confused. I dont even know what to do anymore.
Maybe people are right, money can really change things. Economic stands can really change things. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you really just simply cant be with them, especially when you're as selfish as me. Everything that happened up to today is my fault, my choice, and if I ruined it, of course, its me that's suppose to be the one to be pointed finger at. <- im not even sure if that makes sense. But sigh, one more final to go, so until next blog of the day.
until then!
chao!
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