At home, in my thoughts on bed, I can imagine millions of scenario that are played through an incident. I can imagine how to approach each and everyone, and how I should encounter each and everyone of them. There is this common saying that, "it is easier to be said than done", and quite frankly I think its utterly true. We watch movies and see stupid scenes where individuals could save themselves from death, and humiliations, but what we are being tied to and am too blind to see is that we have to be in that current character's shoes to judge the action itself. We need that certainty in which we don't have. We typify characters on screen and off screen for the stupid choices they have, but how many of us actually thought of a second that we may never be in the same scenario as them. I remember as a kid, it is frustrating just to see cartoon characters freeze in the middle of the road just because they saw a car approach and is about to hit him/her. I remember I would scream and tell them to run, and think that these characters are illogical and doesn't think, but when I encountered a near car-accident experience a year back, all I could do was freeze on the spot rather than escape from such event. These things are so frustrating to deal with, yet we take it so lightly.
These past few months, I been thinking about my actions I have done in the past. I may have committed a sin that is so sinful that even a non-religious atheist believe in the term "sin". I kissed a homozygous being, or in another term, someone with the same gender as me. It wasn't that part that made me shameful of what I have done, but rather, the fact that I took no responsibility of the action made me angry. Made me ashamed of the things I done, and how I have handled it. It became awkward after that sleepover. In fact, waking up after your hormones drown out is the worst thing that could've happened. Realizing that all those things you did were just because of the moment rather than actually doing it according to your feelings were just wrongful. Especially when in the next few days, the girl I had such encountered with wrote me a four page letter confessing that she did it not for the moment, but because she grew feelings for me, What the hell self? Why did I even allow that to happen when I don't have feelings for her? It seems ridiculous then, and still seems ridiculous now to think about it. She tried calling me and talking to me because I tried to avoid her, she tried coming up to me and saying hi and still but all I can do is walk away and pretend I have errands to run and things to do. I treated her awfully, for when she was contributing her whole heart out. I was the bad guy in that friendship. If I didn't have feelings for her and she was my best friend, I shouldn't have motivated her to kiss me, or to kiss her back. I shouldn't have gave it the chance for it to happen,. nor should I have allowed it to happen.
I knew she was bi, I knew she doesn't just playing around. I knew shes kind and sensitive, yet I wrecked her like a wrecking ball. I was the reason why she ended up unfriending me and blocked me on facebook. I was the reason why every time I see her on campus or around the hall, she have to put her head down and walk away fast. I was the reason why our friendship turned from being best friends to being just awkward strangers in the street. I really want to say I miss her, I miss being able to talk to someone about things, to be able to speak Chinese openly, and being able to open up and accepted. She actually cared full time rather than my other friends caring only half of the times. Yet I dropped her hard. What was I thinking?
There were so many opportunities where I could have saved the relationship. There were so many times where we could have made up and pretended nothing have happened, yet I chose to do the selfish thing and blocked her off of my life once again.
How stupid of me? Letting one of the most important person go just because of that. Flushed it down the drain like that...
I imagined in my bed, scenaros where I see her, and apologize to her. I see myself talking to her, saying and speaking some sense, giving this whole speech trying to make up for these. But i know no matter how I say it, there would be no way things would just simply go back to normal. Her sister hates me now for wrecking her, and I dont blame her. because if was her sister, I would do the same thing.
I imagined all these different scenarios where I walk up and ask for her time, to ask her "do you hate me?" Apologizing for the years of pain I caused on her, but just now, just half an hour ago, when I saw a back shadow that seems like her but I didn't have the courage to check or even to call her out or pull her back, I felt powerless. I was shakened as if I was in front of a hundred audiences. I was afraid of facing her, all the guilt and fear rushes into my brain, paralyzing me from reaching forward, or to even open my mouth to speak up. My feet began to drag, and I began to walk slower.
She seems exactly like her, the girl seemed exactly like her. The way she walks, the way she position herself, and the way she holds her phone. It makes me think so much, my heart tells me to approach her, to talk to her, to stop her before not seeing her again. This is the chance. Yet in my brain, my logic is telling me the opposite, telling me that I am just heading into a trap. It's stupid, it is really stupid but true.
I wish there was just a time machine, going back to the time where none of these happened, going back to freshmen year, maybe even elementary school and start all over with the knowledge I have of today.
but to bad that is just a narrative of fictional sci-fi that would not happen anytime soon.
If she was reading this today, I really would hope for her forgiveness, because I am the one at the completely fault of what is happening today.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Colorless Worlds
It's really been a while since I have written an blog huh? College life seems to be catching up to my social life, or maybe the other way around, and blogging is just another thing that's on the back of my head. A lot of things happened throughout all these times; even though I didn't post a blog, it doesn't mean my life goes happily ever after. Sadly, it may be the other way around.
I dont know where the bad day should start, or even how. Maybe we should start from before Knotts'. Knotts was suppose to be a trip that we all planned to go, and sadly, with everyone's complication, it just made it hard. It first started out with Friend A's break up with her "boyfriend" which leaves her boyfriend unable to go. Then after, Friend B had an super early curfew of 6, which thus leaving the fun out of the amusement park, since come on, who wants to leave that early if they were to pay $40 something to go to a place. Friend C then bailed out because she appearntly decided to make plans after everything's planned out. And ultimately Friend D calls in sick at the day of the trip. Ultimately leaving me having to cancel all of the activities that day.
Prior to that day, my college buddies and I hung around this girls' house till 2 playing monopoly deal. Haha we are such geeks. BBQ at her house celebrating Cesar Chaves' day even though we don't even know who that person is. Suprisingly, my mom was still awake at 2 am and caught me home late, and was mad as ever, I mean what can an Asian family's daughter be doing at 2 am with her college friends? Answers normally can be simple and just be reponded with few words, but how are you suppose to say, mom we play monopoly deals the whole night till we are tired of it and went home. Like who in the world is going to buy that?
By now, you may be bored or tired of this article already, yet kind of felt obligated to read the rest since you have came so far. Well, I am telling you, its not worth your time...so with that in mind, if you have something better to do at this time, feel free to do so.
Well as I move on back to the point of my story, I was willing to risk my groundingness to hang with my friends at amusement park than to make excuses and cancel, which appearnatly none of my other friends can do. Jenny then was a bit upset, so we planned a hangout at the mall a little after the morning cancellation, but little do I know our wifi router broke down, leaving me connectionless since everything from home phone to computer is "internet-needed". I dont have a cell phone, parents are not home, how in the world am i suppose to contact anyone like that? Appearantly right after Jenny and I planned, Danny and I got in a fight because I inserted Jenny's hangout as a priority, which was then cancelled, and thus pissing me off more. Leaving me with nothingness, I ended up going home after staying in my car for three hour, roaming in my seat aimlessly.
I began to view the world differently. I begun to see it a little gray, a little black and white. What happened to all the colors, I would ask myself. What happened to all those times where I held my beliefs.
Gone.
Gone.
All gone.
Maybe that's what long term trust gets you,
fucking no where.
I dont know where the bad day should start, or even how. Maybe we should start from before Knotts'. Knotts was suppose to be a trip that we all planned to go, and sadly, with everyone's complication, it just made it hard. It first started out with Friend A's break up with her "boyfriend" which leaves her boyfriend unable to go. Then after, Friend B had an super early curfew of 6, which thus leaving the fun out of the amusement park, since come on, who wants to leave that early if they were to pay $40 something to go to a place. Friend C then bailed out because she appearntly decided to make plans after everything's planned out. And ultimately Friend D calls in sick at the day of the trip. Ultimately leaving me having to cancel all of the activities that day.
Prior to that day, my college buddies and I hung around this girls' house till 2 playing monopoly deal. Haha we are such geeks. BBQ at her house celebrating Cesar Chaves' day even though we don't even know who that person is. Suprisingly, my mom was still awake at 2 am and caught me home late, and was mad as ever, I mean what can an Asian family's daughter be doing at 2 am with her college friends? Answers normally can be simple and just be reponded with few words, but how are you suppose to say, mom we play monopoly deals the whole night till we are tired of it and went home. Like who in the world is going to buy that?
By now, you may be bored or tired of this article already, yet kind of felt obligated to read the rest since you have came so far. Well, I am telling you, its not worth your time...so with that in mind, if you have something better to do at this time, feel free to do so.
Well as I move on back to the point of my story, I was willing to risk my groundingness to hang with my friends at amusement park than to make excuses and cancel, which appearnatly none of my other friends can do. Jenny then was a bit upset, so we planned a hangout at the mall a little after the morning cancellation, but little do I know our wifi router broke down, leaving me connectionless since everything from home phone to computer is "internet-needed". I dont have a cell phone, parents are not home, how in the world am i suppose to contact anyone like that? Appearantly right after Jenny and I planned, Danny and I got in a fight because I inserted Jenny's hangout as a priority, which was then cancelled, and thus pissing me off more. Leaving me with nothingness, I ended up going home after staying in my car for three hour, roaming in my seat aimlessly.
I began to view the world differently. I begun to see it a little gray, a little black and white. What happened to all the colors, I would ask myself. What happened to all those times where I held my beliefs.
Gone.
Gone.
All gone.
Maybe that's what long term trust gets you,
fucking no where.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
dating ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
I really don't know if I should be happy or sad. I mean to be honest. Today had its balance, but also confusion, argument, anger, depression, jealousy and many other more things. To be honest, today was the true balancing day of my life. I hit the low and I hit the high.
Today started off okay with parents gone and everything, then follow by lunch with brother and brother in law's family. Thing seems all great until going to the autoshop. Parents refuse to pay $101 dollar to fix my bottom plastic bumper thingy that kinda half came off because I hit a dip too hard. I grew attitude, though it's embarrasing probably to them, but they still ignored it. Adrian, a latino who came from Mexico two years or so ago was chatting with me before I got depress and we kinda made a friendship bond. And with that, he helped taped my front thingy with my tape that I brought. So here I am giving Adrian a SPECIAL SHOUT OUT!! THANKS ADRIAN FOR MAKING MY MORNING AND AFTERNOON!!
On the way back, my mom begun to nag about my attitude towards things. How I am not grateful for the things I have, and how much worst my siblings had it, and how wasteful I am with money. I grew angrier and angrier. I told her, "How in the world am I the one who is wasteful? I practically spend money on anything, and I never ask you guys for anything. I don't ask you guys for cell phone, I don't ask you guys for eletronics, I dont ask you guys for toys or games. I don't even complain about what all my friends have that I dont have. Even what all my nieces and nephews have that I dont have. I don't see why you're being like this."
And with that in mind, as we came home, I was already face covered with tears and anger. I waited for everyone to get out of the car and locked the door and grabbed the trashcan up while nagging at my mom's arguement. My dad on the other hand tried to be the peace maker by telling me, "That's not what your mom meant, she just meant since you're a new driver and doesnt know the basics we want you to learn and become stable in dirving first, and when you can drive the car safely I'll buy you and brand new car okay?" That actually soothed a lot of my anger away but I was still offended.
That evening under request I went and crashed guy A and my best friend(B)'s date because I was really depress and didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go home to the place where no warmth existed, no care and no family.B agreed, and I got to say, that was the best decision she ever made. As we hung out, meet point started at B's house, then we met with the guys (A and his friend C) at fluff ice and went on from there. As we finally decided on a restruant, we went only to realize that they didn't go in to save seats for us.
The main point came when by the end of the dinner, A paid for C's meal meanwhile he didnt even think about paying for his date's meal, which was B. B and I literally dropped our jaws in surprise, and just stared at him. Because B and I shared a meal, escencially it is cheaper than C's and yet he didn't think to treat her meal.
B decided to head to a boba place or tea house after to hang out, and while driving there all complaining about how he'd rather treat a friend than a date. And sadly, I had to stand on her side for that. I told B, that she got to be straight forward and tell him how she feels so then he would change for him, because truthfully, that's the same or simliar issue happening between me and current, present. And truth is, I want them to realize a bit earlier so they would get use to it unlike me.
At the end of the whole hangout, I was proud of A as he treated and paid for all of us including me! I was happy, haha but the most importantly, it widened B's eyes. She thought that he would've never changed, and what do you know? He changed! As we headed back to the parking lot, due to my forcement, they begun to hold hands...well, its a start, just hooking hands I guess counts too, since to them holding hands are too awkward. But then as he walks us to our car, I insisted a hug before A heads off, I told B forcefully, "If you two don't hug, I am not going home." So, they hugged, behind a pole to hide, but it was so cute!
I myself got a little jealous, I mean all the courage these two had with each other, I would never have with anyone. I am so jealous of their kind of honest relationship, and jealous of the fact that A changed so much in a day for her. Sigh. Past, current, present, I am confused.
and now out of no where its pouring. sighs. oh raining 11:56pm
It was now I realized, I have techincally never really dated anyone before starting of an relationship, it just someone starts around the time of dating. Sighs.
Today started off okay with parents gone and everything, then follow by lunch with brother and brother in law's family. Thing seems all great until going to the autoshop. Parents refuse to pay $101 dollar to fix my bottom plastic bumper thingy that kinda half came off because I hit a dip too hard. I grew attitude, though it's embarrasing probably to them, but they still ignored it. Adrian, a latino who came from Mexico two years or so ago was chatting with me before I got depress and we kinda made a friendship bond. And with that, he helped taped my front thingy with my tape that I brought. So here I am giving Adrian a SPECIAL SHOUT OUT!! THANKS ADRIAN FOR MAKING MY MORNING AND AFTERNOON!!
On the way back, my mom begun to nag about my attitude towards things. How I am not grateful for the things I have, and how much worst my siblings had it, and how wasteful I am with money. I grew angrier and angrier. I told her, "How in the world am I the one who is wasteful? I practically spend money on anything, and I never ask you guys for anything. I don't ask you guys for cell phone, I don't ask you guys for eletronics, I dont ask you guys for toys or games. I don't even complain about what all my friends have that I dont have. Even what all my nieces and nephews have that I dont have. I don't see why you're being like this."
And with that in mind, as we came home, I was already face covered with tears and anger. I waited for everyone to get out of the car and locked the door and grabbed the trashcan up while nagging at my mom's arguement. My dad on the other hand tried to be the peace maker by telling me, "That's not what your mom meant, she just meant since you're a new driver and doesnt know the basics we want you to learn and become stable in dirving first, and when you can drive the car safely I'll buy you and brand new car okay?" That actually soothed a lot of my anger away but I was still offended.
That evening under request I went and crashed guy A and my best friend(B)'s date because I was really depress and didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go home to the place where no warmth existed, no care and no family.B agreed, and I got to say, that was the best decision she ever made. As we hung out, meet point started at B's house, then we met with the guys (A and his friend C) at fluff ice and went on from there. As we finally decided on a restruant, we went only to realize that they didn't go in to save seats for us.
The main point came when by the end of the dinner, A paid for C's meal meanwhile he didnt even think about paying for his date's meal, which was B. B and I literally dropped our jaws in surprise, and just stared at him. Because B and I shared a meal, escencially it is cheaper than C's and yet he didn't think to treat her meal.
B decided to head to a boba place or tea house after to hang out, and while driving there all complaining about how he'd rather treat a friend than a date. And sadly, I had to stand on her side for that. I told B, that she got to be straight forward and tell him how she feels so then he would change for him, because truthfully, that's the same or simliar issue happening between me and current, present. And truth is, I want them to realize a bit earlier so they would get use to it unlike me.
At the end of the whole hangout, I was proud of A as he treated and paid for all of us including me! I was happy, haha but the most importantly, it widened B's eyes. She thought that he would've never changed, and what do you know? He changed! As we headed back to the parking lot, due to my forcement, they begun to hold hands...well, its a start, just hooking hands I guess counts too, since to them holding hands are too awkward. But then as he walks us to our car, I insisted a hug before A heads off, I told B forcefully, "If you two don't hug, I am not going home." So, they hugged, behind a pole to hide, but it was so cute!
I myself got a little jealous, I mean all the courage these two had with each other, I would never have with anyone. I am so jealous of their kind of honest relationship, and jealous of the fact that A changed so much in a day for her. Sigh. Past, current, present, I am confused.
and now out of no where its pouring. sighs. oh raining 11:56pm
It was now I realized, I have techincally never really dated anyone before starting of an relationship, it just someone starts around the time of dating. Sighs.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
shine ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя (happiness)
This isn't a talk about depression, nor a talk of complain, but instead happiness that shines bright within me right now. Shines away all the darkness. Today, hanging out with old friends from high school shown my true happiness. Though meeting so many people in college, not one person can replace or fit in a place where these two idiots of mine that always makes me smile and tries their best cheering me up at times. I dont know what I would do without them. So this article is especially written for them. Though they will probably never find this blog, or ever read it, I feel like its my obligation to write it down here as my feelings you know.
Hanging out all the time sure makes the friendship stronger than before, but then hanging out once every rare occasion makes everything special. I finally realize it isnt the amount of times you hang with someone but your feeling towards them. A little of double meaning there, but then of course only I would get it, because afterall, its relating to something i been hiding deep within myself. Something I probably will never reveal to anyone in the world.
One terrible thing that happened today though it while driving and turning at this intersection, since i was running a bit late I didn't slow down at a turn, and there was a dip right there. By driving 30 miles per hour it really isnt something safe to talk about. But anyhow, there was this huge bomb noise, super loud, and I was scared, literally, and i think everyone else was too. After that I kept hearing scratching noise, loud ones. I was scared of the fact that it might be coming out from the car, scaring of the fact that my bumper was the one that fell. As i parked on the side of the road, I realize it was something that was plastic that was under the car, behind the bumper (thank god it wasn't the bumper, or else my parents would kill me and murder me.) but anyways I panicked because the truth is I cant really drive anywhere with a plastic protector of the bottom of the car, half lingering and half still up and fine you know. Nor did I have the tool to untwist the thing that held those two halves together.
I knew I couldn't drive all the way to school like that, because its 30 minutes away. So I decided to run into the private school near the street, but to realize I have no idea where the entrance was. It was then I saw this one latino man walking down the sidewalk. Chance! I thought to myself as I yelled towards his direction. "Hi, uhm can I borrow your phone?" He seemed a bit stranged out and confused, I mean if it was me I would too. And plus stranger danger even though I am the younger one here. As I pointed to my car, he then broke through the awkward zone and came offering his help, and ripped the half of the protector off and explained how it wouldn't cause a problem because that was only used as a protector.
It was then, i begun to drive more cautiously than usual that day, but at the same time felt lucky and thankful towards life. I mean how lucky am I to find someone who would actually offer help and come by an empty sidewalk. Today is a good day. Thank you lord, god, and budda, espeically mommy for blessing me on such a lovely thursday.
All I can say is...as a conclusion, there is hope for human kind! (haha jk its a joke conclusion, just ignore this line haha)
Hanging out all the time sure makes the friendship stronger than before, but then hanging out once every rare occasion makes everything special. I finally realize it isnt the amount of times you hang with someone but your feeling towards them. A little of double meaning there, but then of course only I would get it, because afterall, its relating to something i been hiding deep within myself. Something I probably will never reveal to anyone in the world.
One terrible thing that happened today though it while driving and turning at this intersection, since i was running a bit late I didn't slow down at a turn, and there was a dip right there. By driving 30 miles per hour it really isnt something safe to talk about. But anyhow, there was this huge bomb noise, super loud, and I was scared, literally, and i think everyone else was too. After that I kept hearing scratching noise, loud ones. I was scared of the fact that it might be coming out from the car, scaring of the fact that my bumper was the one that fell. As i parked on the side of the road, I realize it was something that was plastic that was under the car, behind the bumper (thank god it wasn't the bumper, or else my parents would kill me and murder me.) but anyways I panicked because the truth is I cant really drive anywhere with a plastic protector of the bottom of the car, half lingering and half still up and fine you know. Nor did I have the tool to untwist the thing that held those two halves together.
I knew I couldn't drive all the way to school like that, because its 30 minutes away. So I decided to run into the private school near the street, but to realize I have no idea where the entrance was. It was then I saw this one latino man walking down the sidewalk. Chance! I thought to myself as I yelled towards his direction. "Hi, uhm can I borrow your phone?" He seemed a bit stranged out and confused, I mean if it was me I would too. And plus stranger danger even though I am the younger one here. As I pointed to my car, he then broke through the awkward zone and came offering his help, and ripped the half of the protector off and explained how it wouldn't cause a problem because that was only used as a protector.
It was then, i begun to drive more cautiously than usual that day, but at the same time felt lucky and thankful towards life. I mean how lucky am I to find someone who would actually offer help and come by an empty sidewalk. Today is a good day. Thank you lord, god, and budda, espeically mommy for blessing me on such a lovely thursday.
All I can say is...as a conclusion, there is hope for human kind! (haha jk its a joke conclusion, just ignore this line haha)
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Desperation; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
It's amazing how far desperation can take us. Desperation, sometimes leads us to jealousy, sometimes leads so low mean cruel things and tactics you may never or could never imagine. Desperation sometimes leads to disasters, its those that lead us to. What's that phrase called? Uh, desperate time comes desperate needs? Yeah that is the phrase.
Having a friend who is desperate for hangout with guys friends, no way. I guess there's always a reason why i hated her after getting to know her. The feeling wasn't clear until recently, more and more acts tends to show its obviousness when it hits the surface. I tend to question myself at times, what is it that i resemble with her? what is it that cause me to attract such a friend. I mean like they say, you are your friends. There's obviously a bond that keeps you guys together. It may be desperation as well, it may be because we're both desperate for friend, or we are both evil in ways which i tend to hide, but either way, still.
She invites a group of guys, to be exact, three. One straight forward with no thinking of anything else, one is just forward about things and another that is just a plain pervert. I tend to wonder sometimes, why am I in this in the first place. Me and my other friend both disagree to the fact that she was going to invite the three guys, but then I guess in another sense of desperation she invites them anyways. Like come on, me and my friend, lets just call her A, me and A constantly tells her about not wanting to invite them but no matter what she insisted. Then what happens when they come? Disasters. Yeah, disasters. The straightforward one just went off blasting about how crappy the movie we were watching was, the other guy who's just forward on thing said it was boring and he might as well read the manga and then got bored of it. Then there's the pervert talking while harassing the friend B. I really felt like screaming and just leave the house and make them feel awkward and sorry, but i didn't i stayed like a good audience. Mad at friend B, no matter how sorry she was I couldn't forgive her for that, not now, not later. And to make things worst, i actually trusted her enough to reply to her to only find out that she shows my text to other people. Can you believe that? Even I myself couldn't believe such thing. Like come on, if i was complaining about them as a best friend you wouldn't do that to betray each other right? Well I guess I was wrong. and of course things are just too obvious. I hate my life, I have like three paper due on Monday well that's supposingly and since I don't have school that day well cram cram cram! Anyways speaking of that there's always the other things like....HOMEWORK DUE ON TUESDAY. self stab
well until next time..
-remain unnamed.
Having a friend who is desperate for hangout with guys friends, no way. I guess there's always a reason why i hated her after getting to know her. The feeling wasn't clear until recently, more and more acts tends to show its obviousness when it hits the surface. I tend to question myself at times, what is it that i resemble with her? what is it that cause me to attract such a friend. I mean like they say, you are your friends. There's obviously a bond that keeps you guys together. It may be desperation as well, it may be because we're both desperate for friend, or we are both evil in ways which i tend to hide, but either way, still.
She invites a group of guys, to be exact, three. One straight forward with no thinking of anything else, one is just forward about things and another that is just a plain pervert. I tend to wonder sometimes, why am I in this in the first place. Me and my other friend both disagree to the fact that she was going to invite the three guys, but then I guess in another sense of desperation she invites them anyways. Like come on, me and my friend, lets just call her A, me and A constantly tells her about not wanting to invite them but no matter what she insisted. Then what happens when they come? Disasters. Yeah, disasters. The straightforward one just went off blasting about how crappy the movie we were watching was, the other guy who's just forward on thing said it was boring and he might as well read the manga and then got bored of it. Then there's the pervert talking while harassing the friend B. I really felt like screaming and just leave the house and make them feel awkward and sorry, but i didn't i stayed like a good audience. Mad at friend B, no matter how sorry she was I couldn't forgive her for that, not now, not later. And to make things worst, i actually trusted her enough to reply to her to only find out that she shows my text to other people. Can you believe that? Even I myself couldn't believe such thing. Like come on, if i was complaining about them as a best friend you wouldn't do that to betray each other right? Well I guess I was wrong. and of course things are just too obvious. I hate my life, I have like three paper due on Monday well that's supposingly and since I don't have school that day well cram cram cram! Anyways speaking of that there's always the other things like....HOMEWORK DUE ON TUESDAY. self stab
well until next time..
-remain unnamed.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
true friendship; short.
Today's lesson is, no matter how depress it is, no matter how much fight you get into, friends are always there for you. Well, true friends actually. And by far, the only set of true friends I have by far obtain is these two, who are truely true friends of mine. Who when I need them the most, always there for me. And for sure, I am thankful for them. Thank you lord or whoever is above for giving me this chance to be with them, to enjoy moments of smile.
I always question friendship at times because all it seems like is when you need them, they are there, and when you dont need them, their nothing to you. But those two, they are always there, sometimes one is more than another, but truthfully speaking, no matter how much fight you get into with them, you know in the end all you desire is getting back on being friends with them! because that's just exactly how much they mean to you! (:
No pain, no gain. Well too much happiness so no need to blog today! :D until next time!
I always question friendship at times because all it seems like is when you need them, they are there, and when you dont need them, their nothing to you. But those two, they are always there, sometimes one is more than another, but truthfully speaking, no matter how much fight you get into with them, you know in the end all you desire is getting back on being friends with them! because that's just exactly how much they mean to you! (:
No pain, no gain. Well too much happiness so no need to blog today! :D until next time!
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Losing myself. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
The pain, here I am again, wanting to have a blade cut through my veins. Maybe that will stop me from leaking the pain slowly. The heart stabbing is slowly killing me. I wonder, why couldn't anyone understand me? Is it because I am not worth the time to be understood? Or what was it?
My current have finally offically hang up and ignored my calls. I guess he is tired of me, but this time what did I do wrong? This time he asked for whether I'll be around on christmas or not, because he can only go with one or the other. Well, very well, but due to the arguement and the sudden call my sister have to dial. He doesnt understand how much her words hurted me mentally. No one knew how fragile my mentality is, but of course they wouldn't, because no one really cared about my mentality. I can be totally mentally unstable and all current wants is me stop crying, and to my family, ha like they fucking cared in the first place.
Why couldn't I spared with a bit more understanding? Why is this world so unfair? Perfect boyfriend? Boyfriend I want? i think by dating current, I am beginning to know what I want for an boyfriend. But the more I realize what I want, the more I realize I wouldnt be able to get it from him.
I want a guy who when a girl cry, doesnt just hug them and pat, but try to hear things out. Doesnt just force tears to stop by threatening or kissing, but by being patient and understanding and talk it through. I want a boyfriend when I get mad or sad over a parental issue, doesnt just go, "What am I suppose to do?" or "Just cope with it, because as of now there's nothing I can do." etc, but instead trying to say positive things and comforts. But then of course, I want more that are simliar to these, but then of course, those are not going to be true now are they?
But then what if they are all right, my family, parents, siblings and boyfriend? What if I am inconsiderate, selfish, one minded, taking everything for granted, and unthankful for everything around me? What if i am just another hypocrite that doesnt understand myself as good as I thought I had manage to understand myself? What if I am mentally illed?
I dont know anymore. Living under this family really sometimes get to me. The pain, the confusion, losing myself in the process. What is happiness?
My current have finally offically hang up and ignored my calls. I guess he is tired of me, but this time what did I do wrong? This time he asked for whether I'll be around on christmas or not, because he can only go with one or the other. Well, very well, but due to the arguement and the sudden call my sister have to dial. He doesnt understand how much her words hurted me mentally. No one knew how fragile my mentality is, but of course they wouldn't, because no one really cared about my mentality. I can be totally mentally unstable and all current wants is me stop crying, and to my family, ha like they fucking cared in the first place.
Why couldn't I spared with a bit more understanding? Why is this world so unfair? Perfect boyfriend? Boyfriend I want? i think by dating current, I am beginning to know what I want for an boyfriend. But the more I realize what I want, the more I realize I wouldnt be able to get it from him.
I want a guy who when a girl cry, doesnt just hug them and pat, but try to hear things out. Doesnt just force tears to stop by threatening or kissing, but by being patient and understanding and talk it through. I want a boyfriend when I get mad or sad over a parental issue, doesnt just go, "What am I suppose to do?" or "Just cope with it, because as of now there's nothing I can do." etc, but instead trying to say positive things and comforts. But then of course, I want more that are simliar to these, but then of course, those are not going to be true now are they?
But then what if they are all right, my family, parents, siblings and boyfriend? What if I am inconsiderate, selfish, one minded, taking everything for granted, and unthankful for everything around me? What if i am just another hypocrite that doesnt understand myself as good as I thought I had manage to understand myself? What if I am mentally illed?
I dont know anymore. Living under this family really sometimes get to me. The pain, the confusion, losing myself in the process. What is happiness?
Monday, December 17, 2012
money value & family ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя *
In the faces of jealousy what do I see? An sister who is jealous of the amount of money that was gained from her younger sibling. Honestly, what's her deal? Okay first thing first, sister called in, at this hour, a week or so before christmas, maybe half of a week but anyways, asking me if I wanted to go with her to their in-laws' christmas party. Those rich party filled with people who had billions and billions of dollars saved into their bank account. She asked me if I wanted participate in their secret santa, and the deal was that the minimum purchase of a gift was $50 dollar. Like damn, do those rich people have no where else to spend their money? $50 dollar each? Please, I can go to universal studio with those kind of money. And then she comes and give me a talk about the spirit of giving, and how I don't have the spirit of giving. Well excuse me, my bad, gee, thinking that out of the whole entire family, your sister would know you the best, it turns out that she doesnt even know you as much as you think she does.
In shock of hearing, $50 dollar as minimum purchase, I gasped, not knowing what in the world to do.Okay, I understand those people they play their games, because what? Because their rich, maybe $50 doesnt worth that much to them, but being raised in Monterey Park, $50 to me is kind of over the top. I mean shopping for gifts around $10 bucks around breaks my heart not to mention $20 or $30, but now $50? I guess its alright because what I am getting back is probably more than $50, but the honestly, really? Sometimes it just worries me how these kind of things works. I understand that every year I go to cindy's party, and I recieve her gifts every year and all, and two years ago, it was a necklace, a really pretty one from ingrid's favorite jewlery store, and last year was a $100 dollar gift card to a sporty kind of outfit store, and cindy especially told me that I need to call her about it and she will drive all the way here to take me to shop with her. Sometimes at moment like these, I wish my parents were more giving, in a sense.
I understand that my sister is in a better place now, being married into a rich family, and having a high status compare to everyone else. I know she's more giving and probably have a bigger heart than any or probably everyone. But with that sense in mind, like really? Honestly, how do you live with yourself, think back, okay I dont get allowence like you do sister, back in the days you probably get $40 a week or maybe a month, but in my whole life, I only probably get $20 on a birthday, and that's about it. I sometimes really wonder, did money really change a person? Does the value of money change just because you live in a higher status? I mean really, you guys can totally pick up five roll of the quarters and buy their gifts, and those are just from the laundry machines itself. I dont get that kind of privilege.
Sometimes I laugh at myself, trying to back up my family, try to blend in with them, when truthfully I dont blend in with anyone at all. And to be honest, I kind of dont want to blend in with them anymore. Not this family I am in now. Cindy, she is truely a nice person from heart, and god bless her. Vincent is a lucky husband, and also another nice person, god bless those two. They are like godly couples, beyond anything you can think or imagine.
Throughout the whole conversation I had with my sister, all she said is how selfish I am and how disappointed she is, that I am not using the $2000 dollar I had in my bank for $50 dollar gift. Okay, those are my leg hit fee. Really? She's using that against me? I cannot believe it. Yeah, maybe in her eye, 50/2000 isnt a lot of loss, but then to me, that is a lot of loss. Too much in I sense that I dont want to lose it.
I guess I will just have to cancel the winterbreak with her. I dont know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but then hey. If anything goes wrong, I guess Danny will be the one there for me, like he said, he will always be there for me. And I am forever grateful for him. I love him. I dont know how my world would turn out without him in my life right now. It probably would be quite painful. Oh the pain. Ha, so much for christmas. Well, what did I say about this year anyways? Its okay, its going to end soon anyways, before the wold starts.
I look around, and I find myself where I started....
In shock of hearing, $50 dollar as minimum purchase, I gasped, not knowing what in the world to do.Okay, I understand those people they play their games, because what? Because their rich, maybe $50 doesnt worth that much to them, but being raised in Monterey Park, $50 to me is kind of over the top. I mean shopping for gifts around $10 bucks around breaks my heart not to mention $20 or $30, but now $50? I guess its alright because what I am getting back is probably more than $50, but the honestly, really? Sometimes it just worries me how these kind of things works. I understand that every year I go to cindy's party, and I recieve her gifts every year and all, and two years ago, it was a necklace, a really pretty one from ingrid's favorite jewlery store, and last year was a $100 dollar gift card to a sporty kind of outfit store, and cindy especially told me that I need to call her about it and she will drive all the way here to take me to shop with her. Sometimes at moment like these, I wish my parents were more giving, in a sense.
I understand that my sister is in a better place now, being married into a rich family, and having a high status compare to everyone else. I know she's more giving and probably have a bigger heart than any or probably everyone. But with that sense in mind, like really? Honestly, how do you live with yourself, think back, okay I dont get allowence like you do sister, back in the days you probably get $40 a week or maybe a month, but in my whole life, I only probably get $20 on a birthday, and that's about it. I sometimes really wonder, did money really change a person? Does the value of money change just because you live in a higher status? I mean really, you guys can totally pick up five roll of the quarters and buy their gifts, and those are just from the laundry machines itself. I dont get that kind of privilege.
Sometimes I laugh at myself, trying to back up my family, try to blend in with them, when truthfully I dont blend in with anyone at all. And to be honest, I kind of dont want to blend in with them anymore. Not this family I am in now. Cindy, she is truely a nice person from heart, and god bless her. Vincent is a lucky husband, and also another nice person, god bless those two. They are like godly couples, beyond anything you can think or imagine.
Throughout the whole conversation I had with my sister, all she said is how selfish I am and how disappointed she is, that I am not using the $2000 dollar I had in my bank for $50 dollar gift. Okay, those are my leg hit fee. Really? She's using that against me? I cannot believe it. Yeah, maybe in her eye, 50/2000 isnt a lot of loss, but then to me, that is a lot of loss. Too much in I sense that I dont want to lose it.
I guess I will just have to cancel the winterbreak with her. I dont know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but then hey. If anything goes wrong, I guess Danny will be the one there for me, like he said, he will always be there for me. And I am forever grateful for him. I love him. I dont know how my world would turn out without him in my life right now. It probably would be quite painful. Oh the pain. Ha, so much for christmas. Well, what did I say about this year anyways? Its okay, its going to end soon anyways, before the wold starts.
I look around, and I find myself where I started....
Sunday, December 16, 2012
love complex. ;ℓα ∂συℓєυя
All I ever wanted, was to see you smiling, all I ever wanted was you to be right beside me, all I ever wanted was you and me. Why cant you ever see that? You're so stupid. I always loved you and only you. No matter how many guys I try to have a crush on, when I see you, it's like a auto reset, all back to you again. No matter how hard I try, to forget you, to erase you from my past, it just seem impossible.
I thought I erased you completely, this whole 6 month, being in a relationship with someone who I had a crush on, thinking that that will make whatever we had over. I thought I could do it, I thought that you and I was really over until that day, when I faced you once again. My heart, instantly recognized you from a far. It didnt take long for it to start racing from the top. My mind, already panicking and wanting to run away. I calmly reacting on the outside, acting a bit nervous, because what am I suppose to do? All the symptom of love is showing, something I cannot stop myself from. I am seriously hopelessly in love and denial. Why will I leave you in the first place? More ever, why did I leave you?
I dont know anymore. Is it wrong to be feeling like this for your ex? And more ever, is it wrong to be comparing and missing your ex each time when your current present does something that to you, no boyfriend should do? I guess.
Today when he went off, hanging up and decide to end the whole night's conversation just in 20 minutes, it made me felt uneasy. The insecurity kicked in. All those calls back then, he would never leave me within this short of a time. Even for gaming, I remember the first month, actually the first few month when we use to skype starting from 7, he would invite me into the chat that he had with Rudi when he's playing video game with him. Now, just a simple, hey Rudi fixed his game, I'll text you later. Not even a offer of wanting to stay there with Rudi and him. Well I guess guys have their gaming world, but honestly, I guess its really true that guys will treat you like you are all they got the first few month of the relationship and slowly back down.
As the time progresses, I started to see the progressing of laying back kicking in. From early calls as early as 5, or 7 PM to now a 11:30 PM or 12 AM call. From a I'll walk to your house everyday at 9 and get there at 9:30 AM to a I might get to your house at 11 AM and then maybe fall asleep and end up not waking up until 1 PM, and say a sorry and pretend like nothing's happened.
Relationship is a strange thing. The longer it last, the more greedy you came upon, and the more you would want. Before just a simple holding hand would do, and now, without harrasment it wouldnt do the day? Does all guy wish for this? I started out just wanting a simple love, where no harrasing is involved, and look what I am into now. From a thought of no sex until marriage to a relationship will only last if you have sex with me, and the maximum limit I am giving you is our anniversary date. Like honestly, its not that I am insecure, its just thats my way of thinking. How my mind is set to. No sex unless marriage. No matter what the hormones are telling me, I am gonna stick with my belief, and when you came in and hit me, it really got me confused. What should I do? I dont want to lose you, but nor will I want to lose my virginity this early. Sigh, I dont even know anymore.
What is love? You tell me that you are doing this because you love me, you are doing this, wanting the sex because it will bring us closer. But honestly tell me which guy doesnt crave for sex. I am just a girl with naive thoughts being tainted more and more as the days go on. I am confused now. At times I really want to break up, break it, I cant handle sex, I really cant, but then I really do want to be with him. I do care for him and all. And I do put effort, but going through sex is really just too much for me. I really hoped he would've understood, but then maybe I am wrong, afterall he is still a guy.
Can someone please tell me what to do?I am here, lost once again.
There's a Christmas Party I been planning for a whole two month, wanting it to be perfect, or at least good, but relectant on whether or not I should invite my current. The thoughts battle each other each time behalf of his action, and now I am stuck. A few moments ago when I was still on the phone with him I really wanted to tell him, then when he chose gaming over me, I shrink back into my shell. Maybe I should just wait, and time will tell.
Until next time.
yisa yu 暖心 <- great depressing song if you want something sad and sounds nice ^_^.
I thought I erased you completely, this whole 6 month, being in a relationship with someone who I had a crush on, thinking that that will make whatever we had over. I thought I could do it, I thought that you and I was really over until that day, when I faced you once again. My heart, instantly recognized you from a far. It didnt take long for it to start racing from the top. My mind, already panicking and wanting to run away. I calmly reacting on the outside, acting a bit nervous, because what am I suppose to do? All the symptom of love is showing, something I cannot stop myself from. I am seriously hopelessly in love and denial. Why will I leave you in the first place? More ever, why did I leave you?
I dont know anymore. Is it wrong to be feeling like this for your ex? And more ever, is it wrong to be comparing and missing your ex each time when your current present does something that to you, no boyfriend should do? I guess.
Today when he went off, hanging up and decide to end the whole night's conversation just in 20 minutes, it made me felt uneasy. The insecurity kicked in. All those calls back then, he would never leave me within this short of a time. Even for gaming, I remember the first month, actually the first few month when we use to skype starting from 7, he would invite me into the chat that he had with Rudi when he's playing video game with him. Now, just a simple, hey Rudi fixed his game, I'll text you later. Not even a offer of wanting to stay there with Rudi and him. Well I guess guys have their gaming world, but honestly, I guess its really true that guys will treat you like you are all they got the first few month of the relationship and slowly back down.
As the time progresses, I started to see the progressing of laying back kicking in. From early calls as early as 5, or 7 PM to now a 11:30 PM or 12 AM call. From a I'll walk to your house everyday at 9 and get there at 9:30 AM to a I might get to your house at 11 AM and then maybe fall asleep and end up not waking up until 1 PM, and say a sorry and pretend like nothing's happened.
Relationship is a strange thing. The longer it last, the more greedy you came upon, and the more you would want. Before just a simple holding hand would do, and now, without harrasment it wouldnt do the day? Does all guy wish for this? I started out just wanting a simple love, where no harrasing is involved, and look what I am into now. From a thought of no sex until marriage to a relationship will only last if you have sex with me, and the maximum limit I am giving you is our anniversary date. Like honestly, its not that I am insecure, its just thats my way of thinking. How my mind is set to. No sex unless marriage. No matter what the hormones are telling me, I am gonna stick with my belief, and when you came in and hit me, it really got me confused. What should I do? I dont want to lose you, but nor will I want to lose my virginity this early. Sigh, I dont even know anymore.
What is love? You tell me that you are doing this because you love me, you are doing this, wanting the sex because it will bring us closer. But honestly tell me which guy doesnt crave for sex. I am just a girl with naive thoughts being tainted more and more as the days go on. I am confused now. At times I really want to break up, break it, I cant handle sex, I really cant, but then I really do want to be with him. I do care for him and all. And I do put effort, but going through sex is really just too much for me. I really hoped he would've understood, but then maybe I am wrong, afterall he is still a guy.
Can someone please tell me what to do?I am here, lost once again.
There's a Christmas Party I been planning for a whole two month, wanting it to be perfect, or at least good, but relectant on whether or not I should invite my current. The thoughts battle each other each time behalf of his action, and now I am stuck. A few moments ago when I was still on the phone with him I really wanted to tell him, then when he chose gaming over me, I shrink back into my shell. Maybe I should just wait, and time will tell.
Until next time.
yisa yu 暖心 <- great depressing song if you want something sad and sounds nice ^_^.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
the breakage. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
Friends, their the best cure for lost love. When you are lost, when you dont know what to do anymore, the best thing for me is to forget about it, not think about it. Hang out with friends, chill with others, in hopes of that you would forget the ones you cared the most. Because sometimes you realize somethings are just better leaving it forgotten.
This morning, after the passage of 12, the fight carried on, it led itself into our world. Our weak bond quickly shattered. I question myself, am I asking for too much? If he never lead me to expect these things then today, I wouldn't be here thinking of how unfair it is. I wouldn't be comparing the us before and the us now.
Is it wrong to compare? It is wrong to be selfish? In relationship, there's always one side that is imbalanced, but sometimes trying to fix this imbalance causes things to go worst. Already been exactly half of a year since together and yet we fight like little kids, we fight like immature. Why do we fight? Deeply, I think its my fault for all these happenings. Its funny, because no matter how many times he sound like he's blaming me, sounding like its my fault, when i mention itsmy fault he would say its not. But then truely, we both know that isnt the case.
Why is guys so hard to understand? You think women are strange species, what about yourselves men? He asked, am I tired of this relationship? Because he is. He is tired of trying to hard, and getting nothing back, he is tired of caring so much and get no thanks in return. He is tired of arguing with me countless times over things that shouldnt even be argued about. Are we really meant for each other? He questioned this relationship many times, and now maybe i should as well.
He gave me a total of 24 hours to consider this relationship, until I give a answer, he refused to talk to me. Even to wake me up. How stupid, ever since last weekend, ever since the meet with my ex. I am so tired now, I am confused, lost and tired. I want something more than this yet I can't even handle it. Such a stupid girl. He devoted so much of himself to me, yet I am doing this. Am I wrong? He told me to tell him what I expect from this relationship and what I will do to maintain this relationship.
I am so lost. I am in so much pain now, can someone help me? I don't even know what I have been saying this past few hours...what do I do? Can someone please tell me?
How far am I away from happiness?
Alana Lee Hamilton Butterflies
super awesome big fun great ball
shinigami
ajax chat
kinokukun
This morning, after the passage of 12, the fight carried on, it led itself into our world. Our weak bond quickly shattered. I question myself, am I asking for too much? If he never lead me to expect these things then today, I wouldn't be here thinking of how unfair it is. I wouldn't be comparing the us before and the us now.
Is it wrong to compare? It is wrong to be selfish? In relationship, there's always one side that is imbalanced, but sometimes trying to fix this imbalance causes things to go worst. Already been exactly half of a year since together and yet we fight like little kids, we fight like immature. Why do we fight? Deeply, I think its my fault for all these happenings. Its funny, because no matter how many times he sound like he's blaming me, sounding like its my fault, when i mention itsmy fault he would say its not. But then truely, we both know that isnt the case.
Why is guys so hard to understand? You think women are strange species, what about yourselves men? He asked, am I tired of this relationship? Because he is. He is tired of trying to hard, and getting nothing back, he is tired of caring so much and get no thanks in return. He is tired of arguing with me countless times over things that shouldnt even be argued about. Are we really meant for each other? He questioned this relationship many times, and now maybe i should as well.
He gave me a total of 24 hours to consider this relationship, until I give a answer, he refused to talk to me. Even to wake me up. How stupid, ever since last weekend, ever since the meet with my ex. I am so tired now, I am confused, lost and tired. I want something more than this yet I can't even handle it. Such a stupid girl. He devoted so much of himself to me, yet I am doing this. Am I wrong? He told me to tell him what I expect from this relationship and what I will do to maintain this relationship.
I am so lost. I am in so much pain now, can someone help me? I don't even know what I have been saying this past few hours...what do I do? Can someone please tell me?
How far am I away from happiness?
Alana Lee Hamilton Butterflies
super awesome big fun great ball
shinigami
ajax chat
kinokukun
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
12/05/2012 ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
warning, its a none stop quick write for random thoughts. no edits. thanks.
i am in so much pain, why cant anyone see it. a happy call, can quickly turn into a dramatical call in seconds. was i stupid and wrong for thinking that i was finally right for the first time? god, was it wrong to finally overcome your fear in speaking the truth? if you were crushed down in the beginning, what more is there to look for?
why cant he ever see that i was finally trying to stand on my own two feet? why cant he see that i needed his support right there and right then?
maybe its right, people are be meant to hang alone, best survival tip. if care no one, no care for one. okay i just made it up, so whatever. but honestly, what is this trust? what is the component in relationships that makes it last? i sometimes thought maybe i can finally open to one, then to realize i was living in a lie again. the truth is, no matter what happens, you still have people who are unthoughtful, people who will never change, who never hears you out, and who says they will be there for you but just end up not caring about the world.
i'm sorry, for being such an uncaring girlfriend, irresponsible girlfriend, terrible girlfriend. maybe break up is a good suggestion, because you wouldnt have to hear my pain, wouldnt have to bear my package, worry so much about me, because honestly i am the most unresponsible person you will by far ever meet. i dont know.
sometimes i wish i can be like you, being able to say everything out. i am so jealous of the fact that no matter what, you can say anything and everything out. so jealous of the fact that no matter how embarrsing it may sound, you still spit it all out.
to be honest.
i really couldnt care anymore w the story, the main purpose at first of you reading a story is to hear you talk. hear your voice, because in the beginning of our relationship our conversing level is way worst the the ones we have right now. even though now, its not going anywhere either. i do care for you and miss you and worry about you, just because i dont say anything dont mean none of themm didnt happen. i just sometimes wonder, whats wrong with me. why do i have to cry why do i have to exppress of sorrow more than i have to. i am sorry, im sorry for making you hear my cries as i shed tears, i am sorry for everything.
i am in so much pain, why cant anyone see it. a happy call, can quickly turn into a dramatical call in seconds. was i stupid and wrong for thinking that i was finally right for the first time? god, was it wrong to finally overcome your fear in speaking the truth? if you were crushed down in the beginning, what more is there to look for?
why cant he ever see that i was finally trying to stand on my own two feet? why cant he see that i needed his support right there and right then?
maybe its right, people are be meant to hang alone, best survival tip. if care no one, no care for one. okay i just made it up, so whatever. but honestly, what is this trust? what is the component in relationships that makes it last? i sometimes thought maybe i can finally open to one, then to realize i was living in a lie again. the truth is, no matter what happens, you still have people who are unthoughtful, people who will never change, who never hears you out, and who says they will be there for you but just end up not caring about the world.
i'm sorry, for being such an uncaring girlfriend, irresponsible girlfriend, terrible girlfriend. maybe break up is a good suggestion, because you wouldnt have to hear my pain, wouldnt have to bear my package, worry so much about me, because honestly i am the most unresponsible person you will by far ever meet. i dont know.
sometimes i wish i can be like you, being able to say everything out. i am so jealous of the fact that no matter what, you can say anything and everything out. so jealous of the fact that no matter how embarrsing it may sound, you still spit it all out.
to be honest.
i really couldnt care anymore w the story, the main purpose at first of you reading a story is to hear you talk. hear your voice, because in the beginning of our relationship our conversing level is way worst the the ones we have right now. even though now, its not going anywhere either. i do care for you and miss you and worry about you, just because i dont say anything dont mean none of themm didnt happen. i just sometimes wonder, whats wrong with me. why do i have to cry why do i have to exppress of sorrow more than i have to. i am sorry, im sorry for making you hear my cries as i shed tears, i am sorry for everything.
ѕтσяιєѕ ℓєαяηє∂ - נєѕѕιcα. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
La douleur, why do I post this title as a blog name? When you find the root source of this phrase that's when you will realize what it meant. What this whole blog meant.
Today, after class, spending time with my classmate who I have done nothing but chatting during class with. Having dinner, and hanging out in the park made me realize something. Something valuable I learned. Being a leader. My friend, she was a victim, a victim in relationship. Another victim that is. Are guys just that unthoughtful, greedy, and inconsiderate? I think not. But of course, I have never stepped into her shoes, so I shouldn't know this.
She, like many girls, were lied to, and were used. Thought that it was true love, but in the end, just another fool. Another fool too innocent to think of anything else. Stupidity. Love makes people blind, so they say, and I can't agree more. She, back in her home country, Vietnam, was with this popular singer. Thinking that it was love at first sight, doing things from commitment to the basic relationship to house work all over her boyfriend's house. Doing orders coming down from his parents, things that only house cleaning ladies would do. Like a housewife, trapped in a loop of circle, not knowing that she's been used all this time. Everytime when she was over, she would do nothing but work and more house work, nonstop, meanwhile the boy would just make an excuse of "work" and leave the house without a care. Stupid enough like she is, she would believe him and stay in the house to help out. But what she doesn't know at that time was that everytime when he claims to be working, he was actually seeing girls, seeing girls behind her back, cheating on her each time.
All three years of the relationship, she have done nothing but committing, believing in the love they had, having a long distance relationship. To be honest, unless the guy truly loves you deep down in the heart, long distance relationship will never last, ever. I have seen it, I have experience friends who had those stories, I know. And not to mention cheating, i mean if he were to cheat when she's like few steps away from him, then obviously when she's out of the country, he will cheat more. After all, all she is was just a tool, a toy to play with, a thing that he can show off around saying that he once had.
She gave me some inspirational speech today, though still an immigrant, and only been in relationship once, she have told me something I decide to take in as consideration. "Be a leader," she said, "be someone who leads, not follow" "because, in the very end, if you are a follower, you will just be another girl in the guy's life." I find flaws in that statement, but then at the same time i found truth, I found something in that speech that was worth following. If we lean too much and give in too much, in the end, we will just be another item, another object to them.
Sometimes I feel so lucky, I feel so lucky that in all my 18 years, I have never had such terrifying experience with love, with relationship, with guys, or else I may end up like her, losing faith in love and relationship, losing faith in people. I am grateful for all the guys that had happened in my life. Then ones that I let go, and the ones that I hold on, the ones that I questioned, the ones that I regret. Without them, I wouldnt be the me I am now, and without them, I would have became someone else.
Listening to stories are a great way to cheer yourself up, sometimes its those tragic that makes you have those sudden realization about how lucky you are to be here and not in the same position as them. But then sometimes I still question, does he really love me like he said he does?
My boyfriend, he although cares about me a lot, gave in a lot, give a lot of sacrifices I sometimes wonder, truthfully, does he really care that much? Deep inside, is it the loneliness in all these years part of the reason why he loved me? If he cares, why would he pressure me into things I dont want to do. But now, listening to her, listening to the stories, I have decided, as of now, i will not be pressured into the things that I dont want to do.
If I dont want to do something, I won't do it. Not because I dont love them, its because if like they said, they love me either way, whether I do the things they ask or not, then why should I do it? Because I should give in efforts too? Well, I will give in efforts too then, but just not in the ways that he craves for, not when it runs against my belief. Because if he loves me, he then will also respect me.
Today, after class, spending time with my classmate who I have done nothing but chatting during class with. Having dinner, and hanging out in the park made me realize something. Something valuable I learned. Being a leader. My friend, she was a victim, a victim in relationship. Another victim that is. Are guys just that unthoughtful, greedy, and inconsiderate? I think not. But of course, I have never stepped into her shoes, so I shouldn't know this.
She, like many girls, were lied to, and were used. Thought that it was true love, but in the end, just another fool. Another fool too innocent to think of anything else. Stupidity. Love makes people blind, so they say, and I can't agree more. She, back in her home country, Vietnam, was with this popular singer. Thinking that it was love at first sight, doing things from commitment to the basic relationship to house work all over her boyfriend's house. Doing orders coming down from his parents, things that only house cleaning ladies would do. Like a housewife, trapped in a loop of circle, not knowing that she's been used all this time. Everytime when she was over, she would do nothing but work and more house work, nonstop, meanwhile the boy would just make an excuse of "work" and leave the house without a care. Stupid enough like she is, she would believe him and stay in the house to help out. But what she doesn't know at that time was that everytime when he claims to be working, he was actually seeing girls, seeing girls behind her back, cheating on her each time.
All three years of the relationship, she have done nothing but committing, believing in the love they had, having a long distance relationship. To be honest, unless the guy truly loves you deep down in the heart, long distance relationship will never last, ever. I have seen it, I have experience friends who had those stories, I know. And not to mention cheating, i mean if he were to cheat when she's like few steps away from him, then obviously when she's out of the country, he will cheat more. After all, all she is was just a tool, a toy to play with, a thing that he can show off around saying that he once had.
She gave me some inspirational speech today, though still an immigrant, and only been in relationship once, she have told me something I decide to take in as consideration. "Be a leader," she said, "be someone who leads, not follow" "because, in the very end, if you are a follower, you will just be another girl in the guy's life." I find flaws in that statement, but then at the same time i found truth, I found something in that speech that was worth following. If we lean too much and give in too much, in the end, we will just be another item, another object to them.
Sometimes I feel so lucky, I feel so lucky that in all my 18 years, I have never had such terrifying experience with love, with relationship, with guys, or else I may end up like her, losing faith in love and relationship, losing faith in people. I am grateful for all the guys that had happened in my life. Then ones that I let go, and the ones that I hold on, the ones that I questioned, the ones that I regret. Without them, I wouldnt be the me I am now, and without them, I would have became someone else.
Listening to stories are a great way to cheer yourself up, sometimes its those tragic that makes you have those sudden realization about how lucky you are to be here and not in the same position as them. But then sometimes I still question, does he really love me like he said he does?
My boyfriend, he although cares about me a lot, gave in a lot, give a lot of sacrifices I sometimes wonder, truthfully, does he really care that much? Deep inside, is it the loneliness in all these years part of the reason why he loved me? If he cares, why would he pressure me into things I dont want to do. But now, listening to her, listening to the stories, I have decided, as of now, i will not be pressured into the things that I dont want to do.
If I dont want to do something, I won't do it. Not because I dont love them, its because if like they said, they love me either way, whether I do the things they ask or not, then why should I do it? Because I should give in efforts too? Well, I will give in efforts too then, but just not in the ways that he craves for, not when it runs against my belief. Because if he loves me, he then will also respect me.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
тнoѕe мoмeɴтѕ. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
Those awkward moments when you and your past no longer collide the way you wanted it to. Those awkward moment where you wished everything that had happened havent, and things can start over. It's those moments that makes you have second thoughts in life. Why did we do this? Why did we do that? Only if this happened....only if that happened...and such and such. Many of us have regrets just like that, and then we question our own action.
Sometimes when you finally meet up with your past again you suddenly realize, how nice it would have been if those things that caused the conflict didnt happen. If you didnt choose to do that. If in another paraelle universe you were actually smarter and did the right choice. But then of course, we all have times where we dont know what we do or we dont give second thoughts, or simply we dont predict the future.
It's those feeling that lead me into writing today's post. It wasnt because of some major conflict, it wasn't because of those loneliness, but because of those nostalgic feeling you had about the past when you see that person. Its those flashback that pops up that makes you realize how nice it would have been if those things didn't happen. How great of a time you guys would be having. Regardless of having to worry or avoid them as of now.
Life is so silly at times. Back in elementary, back in kindergarten, whenever you did something wrong, most likely you guys would still be talking even after that. Reason? You were just a simple pure kid, with nothing to worry about or having to have second thoughts about. Why can't we do the things like how it was? Why do we have to worry so much? Why does life have to be so complicated as of now?
But honestly, when i was a kid, i was quite a lonely kid. No friends, and the only one that's true by my side would be my mom. But she's gone now. So who's truely close to me by heart? I dont know anymore. Many may say boyfriend, may say best friend, yes thats true, they are close, they are by far the closest thing to my heart as of now in compare to anyone else. But deep down,
Sometimes when you finally meet up with your past again you suddenly realize, how nice it would have been if those things that caused the conflict didnt happen. If you didnt choose to do that. If in another paraelle universe you were actually smarter and did the right choice. But then of course, we all have times where we dont know what we do or we dont give second thoughts, or simply we dont predict the future.
It's those feeling that lead me into writing today's post. It wasnt because of some major conflict, it wasn't because of those loneliness, but because of those nostalgic feeling you had about the past when you see that person. Its those flashback that pops up that makes you realize how nice it would have been if those things didn't happen. How great of a time you guys would be having. Regardless of having to worry or avoid them as of now.
Life is so silly at times. Back in elementary, back in kindergarten, whenever you did something wrong, most likely you guys would still be talking even after that. Reason? You were just a simple pure kid, with nothing to worry about or having to have second thoughts about. Why can't we do the things like how it was? Why do we have to worry so much? Why does life have to be so complicated as of now?
But honestly, when i was a kid, i was quite a lonely kid. No friends, and the only one that's true by my side would be my mom. But she's gone now. So who's truely close to me by heart? I dont know anymore. Many may say boyfriend, may say best friend, yes thats true, they are close, they are by far the closest thing to my heart as of now in compare to anyone else. But deep down,
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
a little special something.
dear secret santa, cough cough and all those people that are reading this, which is probably everyone...
even though i am the one to tell you you're my secret santa which makes this not make any sense in the first place but then i am still writing here in hopes for some surprises.
this Christmas might be our very first Christmas not celebrating it just by passing out gifts during lunch break, but instead being all like a family and celebrating it in a house. i don't need or want anything fancy. in fact i know 10 dollar isn't gonna buy much things with the economics going down like this. and inflation, not to mention the price of gas going up.
moving on....before i move to different topics again..i would totally ask you for a mansion, a car, a limo, a hotel room, five star restaurant all you can eat, and all those things, but i am not going to, because why? I am a little angel so i shouldn't ask for much.
all i want for Christmas is you! okay unless you are gonna become my slave and all, i don't want you LOL. but uhm i actually don't know what i want for Christmas either. but i definitely don't want food or anything related to it for Christmas, because after all eating them wont be lasting memory after all.
but since my secret santa is a bit slow at things.....perhaps? HERE IT COMES!
i wish for anything that is piyo piyo related, because i personally love piyo piyo, but please don't connect rubber duckies with piyo piyo nor any other kind of ducks, because their simply not the same. but its so hard to find a cheap piyo product around huh? well i wouldn't know that because i don't go out to buy things much besides for you guys...
I would love anything that last, as long as it wont pile along with all those junk in my room for those who have seen my room already knows exactly what i mean. and for those who dont, you will just have to imagine.
so with that in mind, i don't need bar soaps, lotions (oh god i got tons of them actually), or any of the bath products. MAKE UP? MAKE UP? don't kid yourself. jenny don't use makeup...like ever! clothing? uhm go ahead but don't buy me a small, because i don't fit into them. i am between a medium and large, i am just saying. jacket definitely a large but then where the heck are you gonna buy a 10 bucks jacket these days? so nvm that.
so with those aside, really anything is fine. i just don't want bath related product or food related, or kitchen related things, and no junks please. (: definitely prefer piyo things. giftcard would be nice too. but yeah. thanks santa.
A PHONE WOULD BE SUPER NICE TOO! but you know that's kinda impossible, nor is a driver's license . so yeah, thanks! (:
even though i am the one to tell you you're my secret santa which makes this not make any sense in the first place but then i am still writing here in hopes for some surprises.
this Christmas might be our very first Christmas not celebrating it just by passing out gifts during lunch break, but instead being all like a family and celebrating it in a house. i don't need or want anything fancy. in fact i know 10 dollar isn't gonna buy much things with the economics going down like this. and inflation, not to mention the price of gas going up.
moving on....before i move to different topics again..i would totally ask you for a mansion, a car, a limo, a hotel room, five star restaurant all you can eat, and all those things, but i am not going to, because why? I am a little angel so i shouldn't ask for much.
all i want for Christmas is you! okay unless you are gonna become my slave and all, i don't want you LOL. but uhm i actually don't know what i want for Christmas either. but i definitely don't want food or anything related to it for Christmas, because after all eating them wont be lasting memory after all.
but since my secret santa is a bit slow at things.....perhaps? HERE IT COMES!
i wish for anything that is piyo piyo related, because i personally love piyo piyo, but please don't connect rubber duckies with piyo piyo nor any other kind of ducks, because their simply not the same. but its so hard to find a cheap piyo product around huh? well i wouldn't know that because i don't go out to buy things much besides for you guys...
I would love anything that last, as long as it wont pile along with all those junk in my room for those who have seen my room already knows exactly what i mean. and for those who dont, you will just have to imagine.
so with that in mind, i don't need bar soaps, lotions (oh god i got tons of them actually), or any of the bath products. MAKE UP? MAKE UP? don't kid yourself. jenny don't use makeup...like ever! clothing? uhm go ahead but don't buy me a small, because i don't fit into them. i am between a medium and large, i am just saying. jacket definitely a large but then where the heck are you gonna buy a 10 bucks jacket these days? so nvm that.
so with those aside, really anything is fine. i just don't want bath related product or food related, or kitchen related things, and no junks please. (: definitely prefer piyo things. giftcard would be nice too. but yeah. thanks santa.
A PHONE WOULD BE SUPER NICE TOO! but you know that's kinda impossible, nor is a driver's license . so yeah, thanks! (:
eveɴтѕ - ℓα ∂συℓєυя
Events tends to be tiring at times, but then it's the joy in the process of mkaing it happening that makes it enjoyable and fun to bare with. Many times I tend to ask myself, why am I putting so much effort into things that maybe we should all be working towards, and then i realize the answer, because the joy and the happiness you get from seeing their face tends to be priceless. Even a simple smile or thank you really tends to make up for those troublesome moments. You may not understand what I am saying but you know happiness isn't to keep to one self but to share it among with everyone else.
Maybe that's what the Grinch's heart grew bigger and bigger as he saw the ray of happiness shining upon the city even though they were present-less. So did Grinch really stole Christmas? Or in a sense was he really the Santa that showed everyone what Christmas was all about? The one who united them all? Oh the irony.
Well as for now, here's the event as it goes on so far. The list is so ironically combined. I mean Ann and Jenny haha, that is like connect two of the same magnet, always repel against each other yet now their gifting each other gifts. Haha, hopefully through this it would make them closer together. And last secret Santa that we played during senior year Melissa's secret Santa was Jocelyn, and Melissa was my secret Santa. It's very funny how things turned out. Maybe that's life for you.
I don't know about you guys, but my favorite part of the whole season is seeing everyone's happy and joyful face and Christmas shopping. Perhaps shopping is in all girl's genes, but then i don't know why, when i shop for someone else i tend to be happier than shopping for myself, maybe its the excitement you get when you think of their face when they receive the present and all. Or maybe the season is just a bit overly jolly that you tend to not be able to wipe away that smile. But for whatever it is, it sure makes the whole year worth the wait.
Maybe that's what the Grinch's heart grew bigger and bigger as he saw the ray of happiness shining upon the city even though they were present-less. So did Grinch really stole Christmas? Or in a sense was he really the Santa that showed everyone what Christmas was all about? The one who united them all? Oh the irony.
Well as for now, here's the event as it goes on so far. The list is so ironically combined. I mean Ann and Jenny haha, that is like connect two of the same magnet, always repel against each other yet now their gifting each other gifts. Haha, hopefully through this it would make them closer together. And last secret Santa that we played during senior year Melissa's secret Santa was Jocelyn, and Melissa was my secret Santa. It's very funny how things turned out. Maybe that's life for you.
I don't know about you guys, but my favorite part of the whole season is seeing everyone's happy and joyful face and Christmas shopping. Perhaps shopping is in all girl's genes, but then i don't know why, when i shop for someone else i tend to be happier than shopping for myself, maybe its the excitement you get when you think of their face when they receive the present and all. Or maybe the season is just a bit overly jolly that you tend to not be able to wipe away that smile. But for whatever it is, it sure makes the whole year worth the wait.
The Secret Santa List:
Ann Yee - Jenny Lu
Jenny Lu - Ann Yee
Connie Lai - Jenny Chuang
Melissa Hua - Jocelyn Del Rio
Jenny Chuang - Melissa Hua
Jocelyn Del Rio - Connie Lai
I am pretty sure i didnt write this in my last blog, but then my parents removed my doorknob..why you ask? Because my parents are multi-house owner or landlord i guess? And they rent out their houses, and in one of their houses they needed a doorknob, and our of the whole house, our of all the doorknobs they could have taken, they decide to take mine. And I am the one who uses my doorknob the most. Isnt this ironically? I mean yeah i would totally understand if i never use my doorknob and all, but no, none of my parents use their door knob yet i am the one who they take away from. Sigh. That's life for you. Well until next time.
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