I really don't know if I should be happy or sad. I mean to be honest. Today had its balance, but also confusion, argument, anger, depression, jealousy and many other more things. To be honest, today was the true balancing day of my life. I hit the low and I hit the high.
Today started off okay with parents gone and everything, then follow by lunch with brother and brother in law's family. Thing seems all great until going to the autoshop. Parents refuse to pay $101 dollar to fix my bottom plastic bumper thingy that kinda half came off because I hit a dip too hard. I grew attitude, though it's embarrasing probably to them, but they still ignored it. Adrian, a latino who came from Mexico two years or so ago was chatting with me before I got depress and we kinda made a friendship bond. And with that, he helped taped my front thingy with my tape that I brought. So here I am giving Adrian a SPECIAL SHOUT OUT!! THANKS ADRIAN FOR MAKING MY MORNING AND AFTERNOON!!
On the way back, my mom begun to nag about my attitude towards things. How I am not grateful for the things I have, and how much worst my siblings had it, and how wasteful I am with money. I grew angrier and angrier. I told her, "How in the world am I the one who is wasteful? I practically spend money on anything, and I never ask you guys for anything. I don't ask you guys for cell phone, I don't ask you guys for eletronics, I dont ask you guys for toys or games. I don't even complain about what all my friends have that I dont have. Even what all my nieces and nephews have that I dont have. I don't see why you're being like this."
And with that in mind, as we came home, I was already face covered with tears and anger. I waited for everyone to get out of the car and locked the door and grabbed the trashcan up while nagging at my mom's arguement. My dad on the other hand tried to be the peace maker by telling me, "That's not what your mom meant, she just meant since you're a new driver and doesnt know the basics we want you to learn and become stable in dirving first, and when you can drive the car safely I'll buy you and brand new car okay?" That actually soothed a lot of my anger away but I was still offended.
That evening under request I went and crashed guy A and my best friend(B)'s date because I was really depress and didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go home to the place where no warmth existed, no care and no family.B agreed, and I got to say, that was the best decision she ever made. As we hung out, meet point started at B's house, then we met with the guys (A and his friend C) at fluff ice and went on from there. As we finally decided on a restruant, we went only to realize that they didn't go in to save seats for us.
The main point came when by the end of the dinner, A paid for C's meal meanwhile he didnt even think about paying for his date's meal, which was B. B and I literally dropped our jaws in surprise, and just stared at him. Because B and I shared a meal, escencially it is cheaper than C's and yet he didn't think to treat her meal.
B decided to head to a boba place or tea house after to hang out, and while driving there all complaining about how he'd rather treat a friend than a date. And sadly, I had to stand on her side for that. I told B, that she got to be straight forward and tell him how she feels so then he would change for him, because truthfully, that's the same or simliar issue happening between me and current, present. And truth is, I want them to realize a bit earlier so they would get use to it unlike me.
At the end of the whole hangout, I was proud of A as he treated and paid for all of us including me! I was happy, haha but the most importantly, it widened B's eyes. She thought that he would've never changed, and what do you know? He changed! As we headed back to the parking lot, due to my forcement, they begun to hold hands...well, its a start, just hooking hands I guess counts too, since to them holding hands are too awkward. But then as he walks us to our car, I insisted a hug before A heads off, I told B forcefully, "If you two don't hug, I am not going home." So, they hugged, behind a pole to hide, but it was so cute!
I myself got a little jealous, I mean all the courage these two had with each other, I would never have with anyone. I am so jealous of their kind of honest relationship, and jealous of the fact that A changed so much in a day for her. Sigh. Past, current, present, I am confused.
and now out of no where its pouring. sighs. oh raining 11:56pm
It was now I realized, I have techincally never really dated anyone before starting of an relationship, it just someone starts around the time of dating. Sighs.
Showing posts with label teenager. Show all posts
Showing posts with label teenager. Show all posts
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Anger & Regrets ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
People holds secret in them. They can be hiding another side of them, they can be conflictingly arguing with others, and argue over money. And yes, that's all me right there. I just realize how evil I could be, conflicting and arguing with parents over the stupidest things, like money. By finding random text book for the subjects that cost the most and claim that I bought those books so that they can give me the money. Some classes I did buy the books, for the most time though, I purchase it cheap through amazon and many from others cheap enough so that I myself save money, and on the other hand saving my parents money. And then I begin to realize, why save them money when I can gain money for charging them for regular price of the book and buy cheap used one?
Yes, it was an evil thought that came across that gain more and more greed, soon all kinds of evil thoughts began to hit me. Desperation for money indeed. But thinking about this, in my whole life, my parents practically gave me enough to eat throughout high school, and sometimes even didnt give me any money if i forget to ask. Thinking about this made me realize something, it was because the need of money since I never gain them that I begin to gain desire for them. How did I ever became like this? I asked myself quite many times.
It was the society that influenced me. In this society, money is everything. Without money, you can pratically live a day. This society isn't as nice as it seems. If you're rich, you gain like pratically everything, but if your poor, well, that's just another story of your sad sad life.
I seen in many dramas, anime, and stories where family would turn against each other for money, and even from my boyfriend, he said something I didnt believe at first. He said that when it comes to money, families no matter how loving they are, they will backstab each other for it. And i find it quite true in fact. Families do backstab each other at times. Especially this time, knowing that mother have heart condition so does father, I still ended up arguing and yelling at them unrespectfully. I know it was wrong of me to do such thing, but honestly, when you're mad, you do things without thinking, and bam! There you have it.
It's like those things that your anger takes over, and you ended up couldnt control it. Then the after fall is the most painfullest. Afterfall is the ones that hits you the hardest, because after your anger is gone, you then realize what you said and how hurtful or mean it was, and how you could've made things better, but because of your inner rage you ended up deciding to do the wrong thing and result in things you wish you hadn't. And then if you were to apologize, man you're brave, because personally, i have too much self pride to do so, and I would just regret and felt the guilt in me.
It is at those times where I close my eyes and apologize in my heart. And if my parents were to ever read my blog, before they kill me for all the past posts I have posted, I am here to apologize for all the bad behavoir and the things I said when I was angry, I probably didnt mean all of them, or so most of them, and I am so sorry for saying them.
It was at those moments where I close my eyes and pray that I knew how the result would come out and re plan everything. Aren't I a bad kid, knowing that my parents are old and have heart condition yet yell at them. It's like pushing them to their limits. In fact, I am pretty good at pushing people to their limits. Truthfully!
Yes, it was an evil thought that came across that gain more and more greed, soon all kinds of evil thoughts began to hit me. Desperation for money indeed. But thinking about this, in my whole life, my parents practically gave me enough to eat throughout high school, and sometimes even didnt give me any money if i forget to ask. Thinking about this made me realize something, it was because the need of money since I never gain them that I begin to gain desire for them. How did I ever became like this? I asked myself quite many times.
It was the society that influenced me. In this society, money is everything. Without money, you can pratically live a day. This society isn't as nice as it seems. If you're rich, you gain like pratically everything, but if your poor, well, that's just another story of your sad sad life.
I seen in many dramas, anime, and stories where family would turn against each other for money, and even from my boyfriend, he said something I didnt believe at first. He said that when it comes to money, families no matter how loving they are, they will backstab each other for it. And i find it quite true in fact. Families do backstab each other at times. Especially this time, knowing that mother have heart condition so does father, I still ended up arguing and yelling at them unrespectfully. I know it was wrong of me to do such thing, but honestly, when you're mad, you do things without thinking, and bam! There you have it.
It's like those things that your anger takes over, and you ended up couldnt control it. Then the after fall is the most painfullest. Afterfall is the ones that hits you the hardest, because after your anger is gone, you then realize what you said and how hurtful or mean it was, and how you could've made things better, but because of your inner rage you ended up deciding to do the wrong thing and result in things you wish you hadn't. And then if you were to apologize, man you're brave, because personally, i have too much self pride to do so, and I would just regret and felt the guilt in me.
It is at those times where I close my eyes and apologize in my heart. And if my parents were to ever read my blog, before they kill me for all the past posts I have posted, I am here to apologize for all the bad behavoir and the things I said when I was angry, I probably didnt mean all of them, or so most of them, and I am so sorry for saying them.
It was at those moments where I close my eyes and pray that I knew how the result would come out and re plan everything. Aren't I a bad kid, knowing that my parents are old and have heart condition yet yell at them. It's like pushing them to their limits. In fact, I am pretty good at pushing people to their limits. Truthfully!
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Anticipation.
Anticipation. What I use to have before being with present. What I had always liked and get excited over. How would every thing be like if we weren't over? How would everything turn out if we were t over? I really did love him. I really did miss him.
I had a dream a while back. Not a ordinary dream, but then a dream about past. A dream about seeing past while camping in Yosemite by the beach. Around the restroom, where I came out from (and trust me that restroom wasn't all that pretty either, besides the bike that was there w a jacket or helmet in which I cannot remember). It suddenly turned into a line w people lining up and be was there. His hands were wrapped in a scarf. Well one hand. And his other? Holding his other hand. As I passed by we saw each other. At first I avoided his eye contact. Then I looked back, and accepted the truth of his existence. Not just in life but in everything else. Afterwards, I had a bucket in my hand. And I guess I was suppose to fill it up for my nephew. But it was really heavy. And behind me was past and a random guy. Probably a friend of his. As I filled the water I asked, "aren't you guys gonna help?" And slowly they came up, the water was taking forever to fill too! When finally full past attempted to help but before anything I lifted the bucket myself and spill some water but then to prevent more spills I dropped water around the cemented ground and then went to my nephews as the two guys followed. The dream ended w me pouring the bucket of water on the area of sand that my nephew was digging hole on. It was an happy dream. A dream that I never thought of dreaming about. But then again, maybe I have but then I just simply don't recall it.
The dream follow that after falling asleep again was about visiting Taiwan. Grandmas house of course. But not all goes well ends well you know. Sometimes it's just that simple. My second aunt died and that house was sold. Sighs. I really wish I could go back and visit everyone before they leave one by one :(
I had a dream a while back. Not a ordinary dream, but then a dream about past. A dream about seeing past while camping in Yosemite by the beach. Around the restroom, where I came out from (and trust me that restroom wasn't all that pretty either, besides the bike that was there w a jacket or helmet in which I cannot remember). It suddenly turned into a line w people lining up and be was there. His hands were wrapped in a scarf. Well one hand. And his other? Holding his other hand. As I passed by we saw each other. At first I avoided his eye contact. Then I looked back, and accepted the truth of his existence. Not just in life but in everything else. Afterwards, I had a bucket in my hand. And I guess I was suppose to fill it up for my nephew. But it was really heavy. And behind me was past and a random guy. Probably a friend of his. As I filled the water I asked, "aren't you guys gonna help?" And slowly they came up, the water was taking forever to fill too! When finally full past attempted to help but before anything I lifted the bucket myself and spill some water but then to prevent more spills I dropped water around the cemented ground and then went to my nephews as the two guys followed. The dream ended w me pouring the bucket of water on the area of sand that my nephew was digging hole on. It was an happy dream. A dream that I never thought of dreaming about. But then again, maybe I have but then I just simply don't recall it.
The dream follow that after falling asleep again was about visiting Taiwan. Grandmas house of course. But not all goes well ends well you know. Sometimes it's just that simple. My second aunt died and that house was sold. Sighs. I really wish I could go back and visit everyone before they leave one by one :(
Sunday, December 30, 2012
true friendship; short.
Today's lesson is, no matter how depress it is, no matter how much fight you get into, friends are always there for you. Well, true friends actually. And by far, the only set of true friends I have by far obtain is these two, who are truely true friends of mine. Who when I need them the most, always there for me. And for sure, I am thankful for them. Thank you lord or whoever is above for giving me this chance to be with them, to enjoy moments of smile.
I always question friendship at times because all it seems like is when you need them, they are there, and when you dont need them, their nothing to you. But those two, they are always there, sometimes one is more than another, but truthfully speaking, no matter how much fight you get into with them, you know in the end all you desire is getting back on being friends with them! because that's just exactly how much they mean to you! (:
No pain, no gain. Well too much happiness so no need to blog today! :D until next time!
I always question friendship at times because all it seems like is when you need them, they are there, and when you dont need them, their nothing to you. But those two, they are always there, sometimes one is more than another, but truthfully speaking, no matter how much fight you get into with them, you know in the end all you desire is getting back on being friends with them! because that's just exactly how much they mean to you! (:
No pain, no gain. Well too much happiness so no need to blog today! :D until next time!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Forever gone ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
Losing past. Choosing to lose past, here I thought I made the right choice, but maybe I am wrong. I mean, was I ever happy? Ever in love with current present? I am not even sure myself. I doubt myself at time, trying to convince myself, this is what I want. Present, current, not past. But of course that was just convincing. I don't understand love anymore, why can't it be simple? But then again, complication is what makes up life now isn't it?
Like what I do every often, I tend to check upon his facebook, knowing that we were no longer friends on facebook, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see his everything, at least I have some little things I can still see. We weren't friends, but then we weren't complete stranger either. Then it was yesterday before I fell asleep that I realize something. Past have blocked me out of his life once again on facebook. I could no longer view his things. Similar things have happened before, its so weird and strange. First it was me blocking him, both of his account, because he kept stalking me, trying to message me nonstop, adding me, etc, then I unblocked him after a time period because he gave up on me, and I of course, wanted him back. Strange isn't it? Psychotic i would prefer. Then of course he added me, later on around april fools when we started talking again. Then when I begin to ignore him after graduation, or maybe a little before? He unfriended me, probably because he knew what I was doing. But then around my birthday, actually on my birthday, he greeted me a happy birthday. And that was it, a day later, I thought of it so much, that I actually replied, breaking my own rules about not talking to him ever. Then a month back or so? Or two weeks ago, when eating at a cafe, meeting him by either fate or coincidence, I avoided him, not because it was embarrsing, but because I still loved him, my heart still pounded for him, still raced for him. I still blushed for him, but of course I didnt express any of those out beside the blushing because there's nothing I could do about it. And I guess eventually sometime around these weeks he blocked me. Why I wonder. Why.
If he is over me, shouldn't he not block me, but instead, pretend I was someone else? If he didn't cared anymore or loved me, why would he block me if I am no threat to him? Because of that I started wondering the whole night. What was he thinking?
Sometimes, just sometimes I wish things were to be back normal. Back in those middle school days where things were easier. When current, present isnt here, and past is still chasing after me. And our connection and bond was so strong that no matter where, we attract each other. I missed that. I missed you past. I really did. And in fact, still kinda do at times. Thinking of losing you wouldnt, and shouldnt be this painful. I was wrong. Way wrong. And I am sorry. It's just too bad that you wouldnt see this ever. Or else, maybe we would have had another chance.
Like what I do every often, I tend to check upon his facebook, knowing that we were no longer friends on facebook, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see his everything, at least I have some little things I can still see. We weren't friends, but then we weren't complete stranger either. Then it was yesterday before I fell asleep that I realize something. Past have blocked me out of his life once again on facebook. I could no longer view his things. Similar things have happened before, its so weird and strange. First it was me blocking him, both of his account, because he kept stalking me, trying to message me nonstop, adding me, etc, then I unblocked him after a time period because he gave up on me, and I of course, wanted him back. Strange isn't it? Psychotic i would prefer. Then of course he added me, later on around april fools when we started talking again. Then when I begin to ignore him after graduation, or maybe a little before? He unfriended me, probably because he knew what I was doing. But then around my birthday, actually on my birthday, he greeted me a happy birthday. And that was it, a day later, I thought of it so much, that I actually replied, breaking my own rules about not talking to him ever. Then a month back or so? Or two weeks ago, when eating at a cafe, meeting him by either fate or coincidence, I avoided him, not because it was embarrsing, but because I still loved him, my heart still pounded for him, still raced for him. I still blushed for him, but of course I didnt express any of those out beside the blushing because there's nothing I could do about it. And I guess eventually sometime around these weeks he blocked me. Why I wonder. Why.
If he is over me, shouldn't he not block me, but instead, pretend I was someone else? If he didn't cared anymore or loved me, why would he block me if I am no threat to him? Because of that I started wondering the whole night. What was he thinking?
Sometimes, just sometimes I wish things were to be back normal. Back in those middle school days where things were easier. When current, present isnt here, and past is still chasing after me. And our connection and bond was so strong that no matter where, we attract each other. I missed that. I missed you past. I really did. And in fact, still kinda do at times. Thinking of losing you wouldnt, and shouldnt be this painful. I was wrong. Way wrong. And I am sorry. It's just too bad that you wouldnt see this ever. Or else, maybe we would have had another chance.
Destined.
I give up the man I want. The man I love. The love of my life. For what? For this romance trouble. I mean do I even love him? I am pretty sure perhaps, but honestly, past was the true soulmate. Someone that i was sure destined to be with. The one that I didn't bring up enough courage to fight for. To stand by. Maybe he was lucky to lose me, I mean after all i probably only bring him and current present pain. Look at me, who would want me? Okay, a couple guys would, but that's not the point. Never was.
I always thought being with past would be the happiest thing in my life until realizing that I cannot gather up courage to be up to his face about things. Being with him makes my heart race each time, and eventually leads to me holding back. Shyness more like it. And that is exactly what caused me to not be able to speak from my heart in the heart to heart talk with present current. It may sound stupid but sometimes I wonder if I was ever meat to be with present current. Or maybe were just like he said, "not destined to be". Well, like the song, time will tell...
I always thought being with past would be the happiest thing in my life until realizing that I cannot gather up courage to be up to his face about things. Being with him makes my heart race each time, and eventually leads to me holding back. Shyness more like it. And that is exactly what caused me to not be able to speak from my heart in the heart to heart talk with present current. It may sound stupid but sometimes I wonder if I was ever meat to be with present current. Or maybe were just like he said, "not destined to be". Well, like the song, time will tell...
Monday, December 24, 2012
Wonders and desires
Sometimes I wonder why are things always so unfair when it comes to me. The family I live in, many tends to be jealous. Getting to go everywhere, being able to see far places and experience new things, not having a care of when to get home and all. Why shouldnt they be jealous? But then sometmes its just those uncaring feeling, the feeling of them being unable to understand what you're going through that makes it unutterable.
I sometime wish for a family that take me to places that I want to go. Not even to buy me stuff, but instead letting me buy stuff. I mean, I am not even asking for the basics, and yet this is happening. All I ever wanted, have they ever knew what it was? My favorite food? My favorite thing to do? Of course not. I don't think many parents would care for that. I sometimes wonder how it would be like if my family were actually different. If we were to live somewhere else. And spend our lives as other people. I wonder what will happen then.
I am thankful my parents aren't strict and desire me to study on daily basis and restrain me from the use of electronics But again I am jealous of them for caring for their kids, and buy the food that their kids want to eat. I mean if i were to point a finger at what I want then they would be like, "its too expensive," or "do you really need this?" or even, "maybe when its on sale." but deep down, I already know that day wouldn't come. Yet i expect so much.
Desperate people at desperate need huh? Maybe people, humanity in general seek for things they cant acquire hoping that they would be able to gain some. People's thoughts are strange. And the purpose of living, i still dont know yet. Maybe its some kind of experimental game the upper people have on us. Adding a little here and little there.
6:27 pm edit;
It's on Christmas Eve that I realize, if you don't take credits for the things you have done, soon without realizing it, others will take the credits for you. -_- typical life
I sometime wish for a family that take me to places that I want to go. Not even to buy me stuff, but instead letting me buy stuff. I mean, I am not even asking for the basics, and yet this is happening. All I ever wanted, have they ever knew what it was? My favorite food? My favorite thing to do? Of course not. I don't think many parents would care for that. I sometimes wonder how it would be like if my family were actually different. If we were to live somewhere else. And spend our lives as other people. I wonder what will happen then.
I am thankful my parents aren't strict and desire me to study on daily basis and restrain me from the use of electronics But again I am jealous of them for caring for their kids, and buy the food that their kids want to eat. I mean if i were to point a finger at what I want then they would be like, "its too expensive," or "do you really need this?" or even, "maybe when its on sale." but deep down, I already know that day wouldn't come. Yet i expect so much.
Desperate people at desperate need huh? Maybe people, humanity in general seek for things they cant acquire hoping that they would be able to gain some. People's thoughts are strange. And the purpose of living, i still dont know yet. Maybe its some kind of experimental game the upper people have on us. Adding a little here and little there.
6:27 pm edit;
It's on Christmas Eve that I realize, if you don't take credits for the things you have done, soon without realizing it, others will take the credits for you. -_- typical life
Monday, December 10, 2012
ιт'ѕ coмplιcαтed. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
Looking through your pictures, looking through my comments, looking through those replies that you given. A few simple comment could already bring up a whole stack of memories. Then what am I suppose to do when I see you face to face once again?
You, posting a picture of your self with long hair, because I never seen you in a suit, because I told you to grow out your hair.
Me, commenting on the picture with just one word, "fat." can trigger up a smile upon your face.
You, seeing the short comment, can rise with an smile and reply with things like, "again???? -.- LOL xDD hahahaha slap ur face later LOL xDD". Just with that one sentence, nostalgic feeling of us being together came back to me again.
It is wrong? Should I not have these kind of feelings? Already half way through the day, yet you are still in my mind. Thinking that I was long over you, finally forgetting your existence, oh boy was I wrong. Even though denial towards myself works, but then when reality hits in, nothing can stop it, nothing can stand in the way of it.
Why, why did I break up with you? Why did I ignore you? Why couldn't I face you? Is my love for you too much for me myself to handle? Perhaps that's the reason why. The reason why I can't love you anymore. Maybe its because of how strong my love is for you that's making me pulling myself away from you.
It's stupid, because ever since young, I always thought love is real, love is pure, love is everything you think it is. And just like fairy tales, true love will last forever. Watching drama in my teenage years, I begin to wonder why are people so stupid? Why would they pull themselves away from the ones that loves them truely for the ones that even though loves them but contradict themselves. And why do others who truely love each other run away from each other, and cause misunderstandings? Although in the end things always resolve, it just tends to piss me off, why will they even think of leaving each other? If they love each other, if it was love at first sight or true love, why will the avoid each other. Then it was not until I hit high school that I begin to come to an understanding.
Love is a strange word, it cannot be simply defined. And with just an phrase, "I Love You." Though can fill you up with warmth, or happiness, its mostly a lie. People when they say the phrase, 90% of them probably don't even mean them. Stupid complex love. Why is it so complicated?
I use to think, that love is already enough, love itself can fullfill anything, and can last forever. My head's been sticking to that thoughts stronger everyday, until high school. Junior year hit me.
It was junior year that all the things happened, and it was junior year that my heart was first broken, then back in love, then confused, then turned to complicated. Even now, I am still confused. I dont even know what to do anymore.
Maybe people are right, money can really change things. Economic stands can really change things. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you really just simply cant be with them, especially when you're as selfish as me. Everything that happened up to today is my fault, my choice, and if I ruined it, of course, its me that's suppose to be the one to be pointed finger at. <- im not even sure if that makes sense. But sigh, one more final to go, so until next blog of the day.
until then!
chao!
You, posting a picture of your self with long hair, because I never seen you in a suit, because I told you to grow out your hair.
Me, commenting on the picture with just one word, "fat." can trigger up a smile upon your face.
You, seeing the short comment, can rise with an smile and reply with things like, "again???? -.- LOL xDD hahahaha slap ur face later LOL xDD". Just with that one sentence, nostalgic feeling of us being together came back to me again.
It is wrong? Should I not have these kind of feelings? Already half way through the day, yet you are still in my mind. Thinking that I was long over you, finally forgetting your existence, oh boy was I wrong. Even though denial towards myself works, but then when reality hits in, nothing can stop it, nothing can stand in the way of it.
Why, why did I break up with you? Why did I ignore you? Why couldn't I face you? Is my love for you too much for me myself to handle? Perhaps that's the reason why. The reason why I can't love you anymore. Maybe its because of how strong my love is for you that's making me pulling myself away from you.
It's stupid, because ever since young, I always thought love is real, love is pure, love is everything you think it is. And just like fairy tales, true love will last forever. Watching drama in my teenage years, I begin to wonder why are people so stupid? Why would they pull themselves away from the ones that loves them truely for the ones that even though loves them but contradict themselves. And why do others who truely love each other run away from each other, and cause misunderstandings? Although in the end things always resolve, it just tends to piss me off, why will they even think of leaving each other? If they love each other, if it was love at first sight or true love, why will the avoid each other. Then it was not until I hit high school that I begin to come to an understanding.
Love is a strange word, it cannot be simply defined. And with just an phrase, "I Love You." Though can fill you up with warmth, or happiness, its mostly a lie. People when they say the phrase, 90% of them probably don't even mean them. Stupid complex love. Why is it so complicated?
I use to think, that love is already enough, love itself can fullfill anything, and can last forever. My head's been sticking to that thoughts stronger everyday, until high school. Junior year hit me.
It was junior year that all the things happened, and it was junior year that my heart was first broken, then back in love, then confused, then turned to complicated. Even now, I am still confused. I dont even know what to do anymore.
Maybe people are right, money can really change things. Economic stands can really change things. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you really just simply cant be with them, especially when you're as selfish as me. Everything that happened up to today is my fault, my choice, and if I ruined it, of course, its me that's suppose to be the one to be pointed finger at. <- im not even sure if that makes sense. But sigh, one more final to go, so until next blog of the day.
until then!
chao!
Friday, December 7, 2012
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Seeing the presence of him leaving, was it really the right thing to do? Seeing him sitting by the nearest table to entrance, without a second thought in my head, heart beating, face blushing, all the symptom of love, what is there to hide? Why am I hiding? Am I too scared to Dave the reality? Such a bad ex girlfriend I am. When with him, I wouldn't admit anything, especially the fact that I love him. Why did I hold back? Been together for so many months, yet a simple "I love you" is so hard to achieve. No matter how far away, my eyes just want to meet his, my heart just wish he would linger his eyes and wonder it this way. And notice me, and tell me that deep down he still loves me. But can I really have a say in this? When I was the one who dropped him, let him go so easily? When I was the cruel one who ignored him and let him go when he dropped literally everything for me? Am I stupid? Yeah I am. Definitely.
Why am I blushing for him? Why is my heart still racing for him? Is this really true love? Am I really rebelling against true love? Was this the right choice? I really want to question myself, I really want a answer out of this. I really just want a way out. I don't know anymore. Was choosing the path I'm choosing the right choice? Was being with the one I am with now a good choice? Was leaving my ex what I wanted? I always thought true love lasted, always thought that in drama all those things were just some stupid fairy tale? Well that's funny, because it seemed like everything in a drama came true in my life.
God, what do I do next?
Can someone please tell me and help me and guide me a way out of this pain?
Anyone...
I think I am just in denial...but why?
/*/
Seeing the presence of him leaving, was it really the right thing to do? Seeing him sitting by the nearest table to entrance, without a second thought in my head, heart beating, face blushing, all the symptom of love, what is there to hide? Why am I hiding? Am I too scared to Dave the reality? Such a bad ex girlfriend I am. When with him, I wouldn't admit anything, especially the fact that I love him. Why did I hold back? Been together for so many months, yet a simple "I love you" is so hard to achieve. No matter how far away, my eyes just want to meet his, my heart just wish he would linger his eyes and wonder it this way. And notice me, and tell me that deep down he still loves me. But can I really have a say in this? When I was the one who dropped him, let him go so easily? When I was the cruel one who ignored him and let him go when he dropped literally everything for me? Am I stupid? Yeah I am. Definitely.
Why am I blushing for him? Why is my heart still racing for him? Is this really true love? Am I really rebelling against true love? Was this the right choice? I really want to question myself, I really want a answer out of this. I really just want a way out. I don't know anymore. Was choosing the path I'm choosing the right choice? Was being with the one I am with now a good choice? Was leaving my ex what I wanted? I always thought true love lasted, always thought that in drama all those things were just some stupid fairy tale? Well that's funny, because it seemed like everything in a drama came true in my life.
God, what do I do next?
Can someone please tell me and help me and guide me a way out of this pain?
Anyone...
I think I am just in denial...but why?
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
ѕтσяιєѕ ℓєαяηє∂ - נєѕѕιcα. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
La douleur, why do I post this title as a blog name? When you find the root source of this phrase that's when you will realize what it meant. What this whole blog meant.
Today, after class, spending time with my classmate who I have done nothing but chatting during class with. Having dinner, and hanging out in the park made me realize something. Something valuable I learned. Being a leader. My friend, she was a victim, a victim in relationship. Another victim that is. Are guys just that unthoughtful, greedy, and inconsiderate? I think not. But of course, I have never stepped into her shoes, so I shouldn't know this.
She, like many girls, were lied to, and were used. Thought that it was true love, but in the end, just another fool. Another fool too innocent to think of anything else. Stupidity. Love makes people blind, so they say, and I can't agree more. She, back in her home country, Vietnam, was with this popular singer. Thinking that it was love at first sight, doing things from commitment to the basic relationship to house work all over her boyfriend's house. Doing orders coming down from his parents, things that only house cleaning ladies would do. Like a housewife, trapped in a loop of circle, not knowing that she's been used all this time. Everytime when she was over, she would do nothing but work and more house work, nonstop, meanwhile the boy would just make an excuse of "work" and leave the house without a care. Stupid enough like she is, she would believe him and stay in the house to help out. But what she doesn't know at that time was that everytime when he claims to be working, he was actually seeing girls, seeing girls behind her back, cheating on her each time.
All three years of the relationship, she have done nothing but committing, believing in the love they had, having a long distance relationship. To be honest, unless the guy truly loves you deep down in the heart, long distance relationship will never last, ever. I have seen it, I have experience friends who had those stories, I know. And not to mention cheating, i mean if he were to cheat when she's like few steps away from him, then obviously when she's out of the country, he will cheat more. After all, all she is was just a tool, a toy to play with, a thing that he can show off around saying that he once had.
She gave me some inspirational speech today, though still an immigrant, and only been in relationship once, she have told me something I decide to take in as consideration. "Be a leader," she said, "be someone who leads, not follow" "because, in the very end, if you are a follower, you will just be another girl in the guy's life." I find flaws in that statement, but then at the same time i found truth, I found something in that speech that was worth following. If we lean too much and give in too much, in the end, we will just be another item, another object to them.
Sometimes I feel so lucky, I feel so lucky that in all my 18 years, I have never had such terrifying experience with love, with relationship, with guys, or else I may end up like her, losing faith in love and relationship, losing faith in people. I am grateful for all the guys that had happened in my life. Then ones that I let go, and the ones that I hold on, the ones that I questioned, the ones that I regret. Without them, I wouldnt be the me I am now, and without them, I would have became someone else.
Listening to stories are a great way to cheer yourself up, sometimes its those tragic that makes you have those sudden realization about how lucky you are to be here and not in the same position as them. But then sometimes I still question, does he really love me like he said he does?
My boyfriend, he although cares about me a lot, gave in a lot, give a lot of sacrifices I sometimes wonder, truthfully, does he really care that much? Deep inside, is it the loneliness in all these years part of the reason why he loved me? If he cares, why would he pressure me into things I dont want to do. But now, listening to her, listening to the stories, I have decided, as of now, i will not be pressured into the things that I dont want to do.
If I dont want to do something, I won't do it. Not because I dont love them, its because if like they said, they love me either way, whether I do the things they ask or not, then why should I do it? Because I should give in efforts too? Well, I will give in efforts too then, but just not in the ways that he craves for, not when it runs against my belief. Because if he loves me, he then will also respect me.
Today, after class, spending time with my classmate who I have done nothing but chatting during class with. Having dinner, and hanging out in the park made me realize something. Something valuable I learned. Being a leader. My friend, she was a victim, a victim in relationship. Another victim that is. Are guys just that unthoughtful, greedy, and inconsiderate? I think not. But of course, I have never stepped into her shoes, so I shouldn't know this.
She, like many girls, were lied to, and were used. Thought that it was true love, but in the end, just another fool. Another fool too innocent to think of anything else. Stupidity. Love makes people blind, so they say, and I can't agree more. She, back in her home country, Vietnam, was with this popular singer. Thinking that it was love at first sight, doing things from commitment to the basic relationship to house work all over her boyfriend's house. Doing orders coming down from his parents, things that only house cleaning ladies would do. Like a housewife, trapped in a loop of circle, not knowing that she's been used all this time. Everytime when she was over, she would do nothing but work and more house work, nonstop, meanwhile the boy would just make an excuse of "work" and leave the house without a care. Stupid enough like she is, she would believe him and stay in the house to help out. But what she doesn't know at that time was that everytime when he claims to be working, he was actually seeing girls, seeing girls behind her back, cheating on her each time.
All three years of the relationship, she have done nothing but committing, believing in the love they had, having a long distance relationship. To be honest, unless the guy truly loves you deep down in the heart, long distance relationship will never last, ever. I have seen it, I have experience friends who had those stories, I know. And not to mention cheating, i mean if he were to cheat when she's like few steps away from him, then obviously when she's out of the country, he will cheat more. After all, all she is was just a tool, a toy to play with, a thing that he can show off around saying that he once had.
She gave me some inspirational speech today, though still an immigrant, and only been in relationship once, she have told me something I decide to take in as consideration. "Be a leader," she said, "be someone who leads, not follow" "because, in the very end, if you are a follower, you will just be another girl in the guy's life." I find flaws in that statement, but then at the same time i found truth, I found something in that speech that was worth following. If we lean too much and give in too much, in the end, we will just be another item, another object to them.
Sometimes I feel so lucky, I feel so lucky that in all my 18 years, I have never had such terrifying experience with love, with relationship, with guys, or else I may end up like her, losing faith in love and relationship, losing faith in people. I am grateful for all the guys that had happened in my life. Then ones that I let go, and the ones that I hold on, the ones that I questioned, the ones that I regret. Without them, I wouldnt be the me I am now, and without them, I would have became someone else.
Listening to stories are a great way to cheer yourself up, sometimes its those tragic that makes you have those sudden realization about how lucky you are to be here and not in the same position as them. But then sometimes I still question, does he really love me like he said he does?
My boyfriend, he although cares about me a lot, gave in a lot, give a lot of sacrifices I sometimes wonder, truthfully, does he really care that much? Deep inside, is it the loneliness in all these years part of the reason why he loved me? If he cares, why would he pressure me into things I dont want to do. But now, listening to her, listening to the stories, I have decided, as of now, i will not be pressured into the things that I dont want to do.
If I dont want to do something, I won't do it. Not because I dont love them, its because if like they said, they love me either way, whether I do the things they ask or not, then why should I do it? Because I should give in efforts too? Well, I will give in efforts too then, but just not in the ways that he craves for, not when it runs against my belief. Because if he loves me, he then will also respect me.
Friday, November 23, 2012
rant of my odd thanksgiving turkey day...
Before anything, I would like to wish everyone here who is reading this post, or have been reading all my post a happy thanksgiving, and god bless everyone of you even though I myself isn't a god believer. I hope all those turkey or whatever you guys have on thanksgiving be wonderful. And hope all of you had your fun black friday shopping!
As you all may know today is the friday after thanksgiving, which marks a red tag on probably everything or half of the things in a store the sales tag. Yeah, "black friday" the one and only day where people can actually camp out of stores way before midnight, lining up with friends, seeing stores opening rather early than having to wait till their actual service hour. Indeed overtime is rare to see, especially in the economic So is business, but then that isn't stopping all the people here to shop till they drop. First time black friday shopping, first time staying out with friends outside at a mall this late, first time being with my boyfriend this late, first time spending thanksgiving with him, first time spending thanksgiving with my friends, first time boyfriend didnt have a curfew, first time seeing boyfriend getting this sick, first time boyfriend running in the mall like a little kid with the widest smile. It's amazing how many first time you can achieve in one day. Trust me, there were more, just too little time to list.
I like to shop, and i did wanted to go to gilly hicks, and hollister, but then for some reason, shopping with a boyfriend next to me tends to get awkward. I dont even know why. The best offer that was ever offered in life, "Whatever you want to buy, I'll buy it for you today." That's probably like every girl's dream to have a guy like that that is willing to pay for all their shopping cost. Especially Amy and Florence. Haha, but then I said no anyways, stupid me huh? I dont know there's just something about boyfriend that are off limits to going shopping with. I know its quite strange but that's how it goes. So my friends separated a group went to line up at gilly hicks and my friend and I went to forever 21 because she wanted to. I am not a big fan of forever 21, in fact i have never i believe bought any outfit from forever 21 before.
Anyways, the funny thing is that forever 21, the staff just allowed everyone in, meanwhile the other stores there was an actual line from start to beginning, letting people in a few by a few. And then controlling the crowd while forever 21 only have a line in the beginning then that was it. It's quite interesting though, gilly hicks had about an hour two hour line just like hollister while disney store had way more. (which in a way i kinda understand why, i mean come on its disney, but in a way i dont understand why) but any how, there were like guys with abs outside in a life guard swimshorts of gilly hicks and hollister, no wonder its a big hit. I mean those guys were like attracting girls attention. Although there were guys lining up for the store, most of them are girls. Way to advertise!
Rough night, because there wasnt much action going on, i mean my group I was stuck with my friend who is poor yet wants to go to the mall and the other one who is just sick and scared to be in a close area with a lot of people. Certainly a day to remember dont you think? After like one store, we were kind of officially over. At least with Melissa i could just drag her off, oh sigh. But anyways, what was worst is that he was sick and all and claim that he have food posioning afterwards, and because the signal sucks in the mall, especially with that many people and that many smart phones, i doubt we can even get a call through. So we ended up waiting outside of the mall. Friend lost her infinaty scarf and ended up running back in and search for it, at first i was going to go with her but then later she ran and i was already with a headache so i went back happily thought that my boyfriend would be where he was seated he ended up disappearing inside in a French Bakery. buying stuff, so i pat on him and walked out, in hopes that he would come out and lookfor me when he is done ordering. Nope, he literally just stood there and then went to sit down inside and munch his stuff. While i sat outside. It was at that point I realize that was my choice really right? Picking someone who wouldnt run out to look for you but instead wait inside. Maybe it was because he was sick maybe it was because he didnt know, but shouldnt and isnt the first thing they do to look outside? How stupid of me, i thought to myself. Was it really worth all this? I ended up waited outside for countless minutes, for him to come out. 15, 30, 45 minutes went by he was still in there. My body were beginning to freeze due to the hard cold metal table. I glared out into the sky, little by little shedding tears, wondering why I was here in the first place, sitting here and questioning myself. I keep telling myself stop being unreasonable (as my boyfriend claim me to be), but sometimes my reason doesnt make a logical reason to him. He later finally came out and grasp me hard, asking me why was I outside, oh gee, i think its the weather, no maybe the coldness. Yeah i like to sit outside at 4 o clock in the morning to glare at the sky and shed tears.
Either way, by the end of that shopping trip as we were sending Danny home, he grabbed me along and said to stay with him, and i had second thoughts about it. My first answer was a no, because i know to an asian parent, it is illogical for a girl to stay at a guy's house. Especially at midnight too? But that wasnt the main thing, but i mean bringing a girl back this late really? Sigh, i would be piss off too i guess if my son was to do that. Why did i do it? Why did i agree to it? I should have said no, and let him go home by himself, i mean it was just a gate away. I ended up staying the rest of the night at his house, in his room while he slept in the guest room, which is weird but works. His mom literally screamed, yeah probably about me most of the time. -_________- those awkward moment.
iono...dont feel like finishing it, but anyways, waste this long weekend when i could have went with my sister and them skiing! SCREW MY LIFE.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
тнoѕe мoмeɴтѕ. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
Those awkward moments when you and your past no longer collide the way you wanted it to. Those awkward moment where you wished everything that had happened havent, and things can start over. It's those moments that makes you have second thoughts in life. Why did we do this? Why did we do that? Only if this happened....only if that happened...and such and such. Many of us have regrets just like that, and then we question our own action.
Sometimes when you finally meet up with your past again you suddenly realize, how nice it would have been if those things that caused the conflict didnt happen. If you didnt choose to do that. If in another paraelle universe you were actually smarter and did the right choice. But then of course, we all have times where we dont know what we do or we dont give second thoughts, or simply we dont predict the future.
It's those feeling that lead me into writing today's post. It wasnt because of some major conflict, it wasn't because of those loneliness, but because of those nostalgic feeling you had about the past when you see that person. Its those flashback that pops up that makes you realize how nice it would have been if those things didn't happen. How great of a time you guys would be having. Regardless of having to worry or avoid them as of now.
Life is so silly at times. Back in elementary, back in kindergarten, whenever you did something wrong, most likely you guys would still be talking even after that. Reason? You were just a simple pure kid, with nothing to worry about or having to have second thoughts about. Why can't we do the things like how it was? Why do we have to worry so much? Why does life have to be so complicated as of now?
But honestly, when i was a kid, i was quite a lonely kid. No friends, and the only one that's true by my side would be my mom. But she's gone now. So who's truely close to me by heart? I dont know anymore. Many may say boyfriend, may say best friend, yes thats true, they are close, they are by far the closest thing to my heart as of now in compare to anyone else. But deep down,
Sometimes when you finally meet up with your past again you suddenly realize, how nice it would have been if those things that caused the conflict didnt happen. If you didnt choose to do that. If in another paraelle universe you were actually smarter and did the right choice. But then of course, we all have times where we dont know what we do or we dont give second thoughts, or simply we dont predict the future.
It's those feeling that lead me into writing today's post. It wasnt because of some major conflict, it wasn't because of those loneliness, but because of those nostalgic feeling you had about the past when you see that person. Its those flashback that pops up that makes you realize how nice it would have been if those things didn't happen. How great of a time you guys would be having. Regardless of having to worry or avoid them as of now.
Life is so silly at times. Back in elementary, back in kindergarten, whenever you did something wrong, most likely you guys would still be talking even after that. Reason? You were just a simple pure kid, with nothing to worry about or having to have second thoughts about. Why can't we do the things like how it was? Why do we have to worry so much? Why does life have to be so complicated as of now?
But honestly, when i was a kid, i was quite a lonely kid. No friends, and the only one that's true by my side would be my mom. But she's gone now. So who's truely close to me by heart? I dont know anymore. Many may say boyfriend, may say best friend, yes thats true, they are close, they are by far the closest thing to my heart as of now in compare to anyone else. But deep down,
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
a little special something.
dear secret santa, cough cough and all those people that are reading this, which is probably everyone...
even though i am the one to tell you you're my secret santa which makes this not make any sense in the first place but then i am still writing here in hopes for some surprises.
this Christmas might be our very first Christmas not celebrating it just by passing out gifts during lunch break, but instead being all like a family and celebrating it in a house. i don't need or want anything fancy. in fact i know 10 dollar isn't gonna buy much things with the economics going down like this. and inflation, not to mention the price of gas going up.
moving on....before i move to different topics again..i would totally ask you for a mansion, a car, a limo, a hotel room, five star restaurant all you can eat, and all those things, but i am not going to, because why? I am a little angel so i shouldn't ask for much.
all i want for Christmas is you! okay unless you are gonna become my slave and all, i don't want you LOL. but uhm i actually don't know what i want for Christmas either. but i definitely don't want food or anything related to it for Christmas, because after all eating them wont be lasting memory after all.
but since my secret santa is a bit slow at things.....perhaps? HERE IT COMES!
i wish for anything that is piyo piyo related, because i personally love piyo piyo, but please don't connect rubber duckies with piyo piyo nor any other kind of ducks, because their simply not the same. but its so hard to find a cheap piyo product around huh? well i wouldn't know that because i don't go out to buy things much besides for you guys...
I would love anything that last, as long as it wont pile along with all those junk in my room for those who have seen my room already knows exactly what i mean. and for those who dont, you will just have to imagine.
so with that in mind, i don't need bar soaps, lotions (oh god i got tons of them actually), or any of the bath products. MAKE UP? MAKE UP? don't kid yourself. jenny don't use makeup...like ever! clothing? uhm go ahead but don't buy me a small, because i don't fit into them. i am between a medium and large, i am just saying. jacket definitely a large but then where the heck are you gonna buy a 10 bucks jacket these days? so nvm that.
so with those aside, really anything is fine. i just don't want bath related product or food related, or kitchen related things, and no junks please. (: definitely prefer piyo things. giftcard would be nice too. but yeah. thanks santa.
A PHONE WOULD BE SUPER NICE TOO! but you know that's kinda impossible, nor is a driver's license . so yeah, thanks! (:
even though i am the one to tell you you're my secret santa which makes this not make any sense in the first place but then i am still writing here in hopes for some surprises.
this Christmas might be our very first Christmas not celebrating it just by passing out gifts during lunch break, but instead being all like a family and celebrating it in a house. i don't need or want anything fancy. in fact i know 10 dollar isn't gonna buy much things with the economics going down like this. and inflation, not to mention the price of gas going up.
moving on....before i move to different topics again..i would totally ask you for a mansion, a car, a limo, a hotel room, five star restaurant all you can eat, and all those things, but i am not going to, because why? I am a little angel so i shouldn't ask for much.
all i want for Christmas is you! okay unless you are gonna become my slave and all, i don't want you LOL. but uhm i actually don't know what i want for Christmas either. but i definitely don't want food or anything related to it for Christmas, because after all eating them wont be lasting memory after all.
but since my secret santa is a bit slow at things.....perhaps? HERE IT COMES!
i wish for anything that is piyo piyo related, because i personally love piyo piyo, but please don't connect rubber duckies with piyo piyo nor any other kind of ducks, because their simply not the same. but its so hard to find a cheap piyo product around huh? well i wouldn't know that because i don't go out to buy things much besides for you guys...
I would love anything that last, as long as it wont pile along with all those junk in my room for those who have seen my room already knows exactly what i mean. and for those who dont, you will just have to imagine.
so with that in mind, i don't need bar soaps, lotions (oh god i got tons of them actually), or any of the bath products. MAKE UP? MAKE UP? don't kid yourself. jenny don't use makeup...like ever! clothing? uhm go ahead but don't buy me a small, because i don't fit into them. i am between a medium and large, i am just saying. jacket definitely a large but then where the heck are you gonna buy a 10 bucks jacket these days? so nvm that.
so with those aside, really anything is fine. i just don't want bath related product or food related, or kitchen related things, and no junks please. (: definitely prefer piyo things. giftcard would be nice too. but yeah. thanks santa.
A PHONE WOULD BE SUPER NICE TOO! but you know that's kinda impossible, nor is a driver's license . so yeah, thanks! (:
eveɴтѕ - ℓα ∂συℓєυя
Events tends to be tiring at times, but then it's the joy in the process of mkaing it happening that makes it enjoyable and fun to bare with. Many times I tend to ask myself, why am I putting so much effort into things that maybe we should all be working towards, and then i realize the answer, because the joy and the happiness you get from seeing their face tends to be priceless. Even a simple smile or thank you really tends to make up for those troublesome moments. You may not understand what I am saying but you know happiness isn't to keep to one self but to share it among with everyone else.
Maybe that's what the Grinch's heart grew bigger and bigger as he saw the ray of happiness shining upon the city even though they were present-less. So did Grinch really stole Christmas? Or in a sense was he really the Santa that showed everyone what Christmas was all about? The one who united them all? Oh the irony.
Well as for now, here's the event as it goes on so far. The list is so ironically combined. I mean Ann and Jenny haha, that is like connect two of the same magnet, always repel against each other yet now their gifting each other gifts. Haha, hopefully through this it would make them closer together. And last secret Santa that we played during senior year Melissa's secret Santa was Jocelyn, and Melissa was my secret Santa. It's very funny how things turned out. Maybe that's life for you.
I don't know about you guys, but my favorite part of the whole season is seeing everyone's happy and joyful face and Christmas shopping. Perhaps shopping is in all girl's genes, but then i don't know why, when i shop for someone else i tend to be happier than shopping for myself, maybe its the excitement you get when you think of their face when they receive the present and all. Or maybe the season is just a bit overly jolly that you tend to not be able to wipe away that smile. But for whatever it is, it sure makes the whole year worth the wait.
Maybe that's what the Grinch's heart grew bigger and bigger as he saw the ray of happiness shining upon the city even though they were present-less. So did Grinch really stole Christmas? Or in a sense was he really the Santa that showed everyone what Christmas was all about? The one who united them all? Oh the irony.
Well as for now, here's the event as it goes on so far. The list is so ironically combined. I mean Ann and Jenny haha, that is like connect two of the same magnet, always repel against each other yet now their gifting each other gifts. Haha, hopefully through this it would make them closer together. And last secret Santa that we played during senior year Melissa's secret Santa was Jocelyn, and Melissa was my secret Santa. It's very funny how things turned out. Maybe that's life for you.
I don't know about you guys, but my favorite part of the whole season is seeing everyone's happy and joyful face and Christmas shopping. Perhaps shopping is in all girl's genes, but then i don't know why, when i shop for someone else i tend to be happier than shopping for myself, maybe its the excitement you get when you think of their face when they receive the present and all. Or maybe the season is just a bit overly jolly that you tend to not be able to wipe away that smile. But for whatever it is, it sure makes the whole year worth the wait.
The Secret Santa List:
Ann Yee - Jenny Lu
Jenny Lu - Ann Yee
Connie Lai - Jenny Chuang
Melissa Hua - Jocelyn Del Rio
Jenny Chuang - Melissa Hua
Jocelyn Del Rio - Connie Lai
I am pretty sure i didnt write this in my last blog, but then my parents removed my doorknob..why you ask? Because my parents are multi-house owner or landlord i guess? And they rent out their houses, and in one of their houses they needed a doorknob, and our of the whole house, our of all the doorknobs they could have taken, they decide to take mine. And I am the one who uses my doorknob the most. Isnt this ironically? I mean yeah i would totally understand if i never use my doorknob and all, but no, none of my parents use their door knob yet i am the one who they take away from. Sigh. That's life for you. Well until next time.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
ριℓσт - lα doυleυr
Already at the edge of this autumn season, yet leaves struggle to apart from their branch. The sun is still yet shining so bright despite how the weather is. Coldness tends to cover up the whole land with the sun being stubborn as always, fighting it's way to shine its ray to the maximum. Making others feel its warmth and shine. With the passing of the long weekend, it seemed as if it was already the end of summer break once again. Going to school was no longer mandatory College, the first step into the real society following turning 18. Although, it's quite the opposite for me considering my birthday was two weekends ago. Did I feel any older you may ask. The answer is no. Who ever told you that turning a year older will make you wiser lied. If you yourself isn't ready for the change, no matter how old you are, inside, you are still the same age.
Putting that aside, with autumn coming to and end, thanksgiving following its footsteps catching up with us, I begin to start thinking. What am I thankful for this year? What am I thankful for in life? What am I thankful for all this 18 years?
I guess the biggest thank may be going to my current parents, baring with me all these 10, 11 years? Felt like I have been with them practically all my life. The truth is they really didn't have to take care of me at all. I am what they called a bastard child. A unwanted child, a child that came from an accident, a child that wasn't needed, a surprise. My current mother didnt have to take care of me, nor worry about me, or lecture me about things, after all I wasn't her child, and quite opposite, I would probably be the last kid she'd ever want to raise. Yet she took me in, adopted me, and make me an official family members of theirs. I know even though there is a huge treatment difference between her kids and grand kids she still treat me extremely nice for someone like that. And trust me, I am thankful for that. In fact I am really thankful for that. Not a lot of people can do things like that. But sometimes hanging around with my friends too much tends to influence me a lot and make me realize how much of a actual family feeling I am lacking. After my elementary years are over, my parents begin to separate and do things their way. No one each with each other anymore. No group cooking and chatting on the table while munching down food. Instead everyone is all for themselves. Sometimes it make me think a lot. Especially when i go to my friend's house. I begin to get jealous, not over their wealth, or how much things they own or how spoiled they are, but how wonderful of a family they have to care for each other and eat together and enjoy every moment of it.
I always wanted to do that. It always seemed so fun being able to do that. It use to be fun while we still do it. I guess you really do take things for granted until you lose it. Am I really asking too much though? Even though I know my mom isnt my real mom, but is asking her to trust me a bit too much? Do i really need to give in first for her to trust me? I mean first thing first, how am I suppose to give in when she herself doesn't even trust me in the first place? She said until i get a license, she will not allow me to drive. All my friends told me that the biggest part of their driving experience wasn't from the instructor, but the individual learning they got when their driving with their parents. And for me its quite the opposite. They rather pay for an additional 4 class and expect me to know how to drive and pass the test. Well, am I asking too much to wish for them to trust me more to a point where they'd let me drive and practice?
Each time when I complain things similar to this, when i relate my friends' families to mine, my parents would always bring up something unrelated to the topic we're on and tell me to think about this and that. Okay I get it, those were my fault, but we are talking about this topic, would you explain why you don't trust me on driving? How trusting someone with driving have anything to do with doing chores automatically? Would someone tell me how asking "do you need help?" is not a kind of offering to help? And can someone please tell me how "can i help you?" is a kind of offer unlike "do you need help?". Its quite ironic, because i do use both set of questions, but when i claim that their both the same she would tell me. "Why will you bother to even ask me? Instead you should have just clean it or do the chores straight away." Well geez, is a confirmation too much for you? Is asking for a confirmation rude in our Chinese culture? For the record, I am pretty sure it isn't And for your information mother, normally even my nephew, they wouldn't offer help often, and when they do, to you, THEY ARE THE POLITEST PEOPLE EVER, when the truth is, THEY SAY THE EXACT SAME THING AS ME! Well gee, how does that even make sense mother? Would someone please explain this logic to me? And also, please explain how all these questioning and not doing chores automatically without being asked to do them have anything to do with losing trust in a person and driving. Someone please enlighten me on this. Because apparently I am only thinking of excuses to make, and is too busy to realize my mistake in this. Well?
Putting that aside, with autumn coming to and end, thanksgiving following its footsteps catching up with us, I begin to start thinking. What am I thankful for this year? What am I thankful for in life? What am I thankful for all this 18 years?
I guess the biggest thank may be going to my current parents, baring with me all these 10, 11 years? Felt like I have been with them practically all my life. The truth is they really didn't have to take care of me at all. I am what they called a bastard child. A unwanted child, a child that came from an accident, a child that wasn't needed, a surprise. My current mother didnt have to take care of me, nor worry about me, or lecture me about things, after all I wasn't her child, and quite opposite, I would probably be the last kid she'd ever want to raise. Yet she took me in, adopted me, and make me an official family members of theirs. I know even though there is a huge treatment difference between her kids and grand kids she still treat me extremely nice for someone like that. And trust me, I am thankful for that. In fact I am really thankful for that. Not a lot of people can do things like that. But sometimes hanging around with my friends too much tends to influence me a lot and make me realize how much of a actual family feeling I am lacking. After my elementary years are over, my parents begin to separate and do things their way. No one each with each other anymore. No group cooking and chatting on the table while munching down food. Instead everyone is all for themselves. Sometimes it make me think a lot. Especially when i go to my friend's house. I begin to get jealous, not over their wealth, or how much things they own or how spoiled they are, but how wonderful of a family they have to care for each other and eat together and enjoy every moment of it.
I always wanted to do that. It always seemed so fun being able to do that. It use to be fun while we still do it. I guess you really do take things for granted until you lose it. Am I really asking too much though? Even though I know my mom isnt my real mom, but is asking her to trust me a bit too much? Do i really need to give in first for her to trust me? I mean first thing first, how am I suppose to give in when she herself doesn't even trust me in the first place? She said until i get a license, she will not allow me to drive. All my friends told me that the biggest part of their driving experience wasn't from the instructor, but the individual learning they got when their driving with their parents. And for me its quite the opposite. They rather pay for an additional 4 class and expect me to know how to drive and pass the test. Well, am I asking too much to wish for them to trust me more to a point where they'd let me drive and practice?
Each time when I complain things similar to this, when i relate my friends' families to mine, my parents would always bring up something unrelated to the topic we're on and tell me to think about this and that. Okay I get it, those were my fault, but we are talking about this topic, would you explain why you don't trust me on driving? How trusting someone with driving have anything to do with doing chores automatically? Would someone tell me how asking "do you need help?" is not a kind of offering to help? And can someone please tell me how "can i help you?" is a kind of offer unlike "do you need help?". Its quite ironic, because i do use both set of questions, but when i claim that their both the same she would tell me. "Why will you bother to even ask me? Instead you should have just clean it or do the chores straight away." Well geez, is a confirmation too much for you? Is asking for a confirmation rude in our Chinese culture? For the record, I am pretty sure it isn't And for your information mother, normally even my nephew, they wouldn't offer help often, and when they do, to you, THEY ARE THE POLITEST PEOPLE EVER, when the truth is, THEY SAY THE EXACT SAME THING AS ME! Well gee, how does that even make sense mother? Would someone please explain this logic to me? And also, please explain how all these questioning and not doing chores automatically without being asked to do them have anything to do with losing trust in a person and driving. Someone please enlighten me on this. Because apparently I am only thinking of excuses to make, and is too busy to realize my mistake in this. Well?
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