betrayal ; la dauleur

Honesty. Just exactly how much does it worth? And who exactly have the love for them? Sometimes, I felt like the stupid ones to fall for them, sometimes I felt like my trust is ripped apart each time when a lie is set out. Just exactly how many lies am I going to take until my heart and brain both explodes?

" Just exactly how much do you value our trust and relationship? Just exactly how much do you wish to be trusted? You experienced deceiving and lost, but does that mean you have to lay its egg on the others? Friendly lie is one thing but lying to get away with something else is another. Just exactly where did you go on May 25^th when you said you were having lunch with your auntie and your mom? Great lie about going out to lunch with them huh, as great of a lie as going to car wash on May 31^st. People who lies are great, I mean as long as others don’t find out, hey, you know, live another day, why not lie about it? But when the truth hits the ground hard a few moments after the lie is out, who would be the one left behind doing the clean up exactly? Upset yes, but argument is something I don’t want.

Anniversary? Yeah its been a year Danny, we been through a lot of ups and downs, and yes we been through the lowest points many times in life and recovered from it. That will hopefully be the downiest/lowest point of your life in the relationship as well, a point where we will hopefully never return.

I don’t want us to fight over useless things that will eventually lead to breakage. I had too much of that already, I know where arguments lead to, especially this one. I understand you had your view in things, but rather lie than tell the truth, just exactly how much do I worth? Over planning a plan on top of our plan because our plan is too common while other people’s plans are rare because you don’t see them often? Please, I cancelled my plans with rare friends to hang with you no matter how often we see each other.  No matter what your reason is Danny, I want you to take your time to think about it. Was it worth a lie to me?

First time, you know, I go like hey its fine, I trust him. This will probably be the last lie. And then what happens? Bam! The second lie hits. Makes me wonder, just exactly how many lies do you have behind my back that I don’t know about? And just exactly how many of them are truthful. Hey, I know I am not suppose to doubt you, but just like the boy who cry wolf, eventually if lies keeps happening people will go from trust completely, to questioning and doubts and soon, don’t even believe a thing you say.

I want to use this anniversary to clear all of our records, to start a fresh page, because after all its been a year of us together. I don’t want us to look back just to find more reason for our supporting arguments, I want us to start new and look back because we miss some part of our lives. And of course, be together as long as possible.

At first, it hurts to see you lie while I know the truth myself. You know those post on facebook, those moments you see how stupid the other person is, trying to lie to your face, when you yourself knows the truth better than the person who’s telling the lie? Danny, I was at the point where I would scream and run out in the street screaming, but I held it in. It hurted at first, but eventually I gave it a few days, I thought of all the things you did that made me smile and slowly, the box of flame just melts away by days. Of course, within a week another one struck, harder than ever, my hatred grew, my cold sweat kicked in, and my trust for you just tumbled off the balanced board. I told myself I could trust you, I told myself that this once again would be your last time. Same day, of course, you promised that you will try your best not to plan things ontop of our plan, but hopefully with that said, you would also be truthful and honest  for not just me, but us. I want a boyfriend I am proud to say that I can entrust anything, not a boyfriend whom even lies about his whereabouts.

This few months, I have tried to be more forgiving, understanding, appreciative and more temper control to those who are close to me, I know there are still things that I am unwilling to do, but hey, I am beginning to accept some things that you want, I really wish you would respect things that I don’t want to do as much as I respect you and the things you don’t want to do. I know maybe sometimes I am stubborn, but before saying anything, think about the tone you said certain things with, if I am stubborn even when you’re talking to me in a non-grumpy tone, then scold me, soon my little conscientious will kick in and slap me. I am sensitive, and I cry a lot, it may seem like I am using it as advantage, but I don’t show tears to those who are close to me, and if you were to ask any of my friends, the only ones who really saw my tears and the amount of times they saw it, man you would be surprised that they’re meeting the same Jenny. I guess I just react more to people who are close to me, like you. So sometimes just hug and/or pat would do the trick, but I am trying to lessen my tears; but it will take sometimes."

just sometimes, i wish that things in my mind could all just come into words and explode on him. just sometimes

My Mother's Life, an inspirational yet touching true story of her life. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      The pain, the suffer, the sacrifice. This article is going to be special, this article is written dedicated for my mother, whom I knew would never read this, but still she's a true hero. With all due respect, please do not take this article without permission, and if use any, please credit my mom at least for it.
      My mother started off her childhood not easy, having 4 siblings, she was in the middle. Out of all her silbings, she was the one who was the least spoiled, she was the one who faced most of the harshest things that anyone could have faced in the society of poor. She, is a really unique girl who deserves more than she have right now, she deserves a better man than my father.
      Her mother to start off would always spoil the others when they ask her for money. Unlike her other silbings, asking her mother for money, she went off joining the malitary in Taiwan and became a nurse after with all the money that was gained through everything she would give most of them to her mother, leaving her self with barely enough to live. The greedy sisters would still continueiously seek her mother for money, and secretly the mother, weak as she was already, would give it to them when the whole purpose of those money was for her so that she would be able to live a good life.
      In her mid-age, she met my dad, which then I dont know how, never asked, it would be too awkward to ask anyways. Maybe Ill ask my dad later on in life, but not now. Meeting my dad in the medical field while around malitary wasn't really a good idea. And definately marrying him wasnt a good idea either.
      As my mother pursues her nursing later on in the United States, she knew little than enough to keep her alive. Yet somehow manages to survive. She was defaintely a great role model. She entered the United States, with a little cash, a little knowledge of its foreign language, and no one to take her around, she was literally lost, didn't know where to go. And back then, Asians migrating wasn't even a big thing. Barely any Asian were at California then.
      When her career was finally stable enough, she moved her three children to the United States for better education with the citizenship she gained. Another wrong decision she made by settling in the US and leaving her husband back in Taiwan to work, intrusting him in the relationship and the family. It wasn't long before he began to flirt, and soon enough cheat on her. Who knew how long this have been going on, but then it was one of those times where protection wasn't enough and an accident happened. And that's where I came into the story. Yup, you would think the whole time, the mother I talked about is my biological mother? Wrong. It was my adoptive mother who learn to love and forgive in a sense and allow me into her life.
      It was on one of those typical days where one of her friend needed someone to look after her grandmother and asked my mom to help out. That's where the surprise visit came in. It was because of my mother's surprise visit back to Taiwan made her saw what happened. That's where I came in to the story for real in life form. That was the time when I was about to come out of the womb and mother had no one to call but my dad,and sadly, she was there as well when it took place. And according to her, she was the first one to held me in her arms, all along, thinking that it was my mom who held me, thinking that she was the bigger person in the picture. In fact it was actually mother herself. After everything was settled, when everything have calmed itself, one person that wasn't calm was mother. She didn't know what to do. That was the downest part of her life. No the struggle she had coming to the US, not the fear of not knowing anyone and having to survive in a foregin country, but facing her husband cheating on her and having a bastard child. It was then, thanks to Buddhism that calmed her down completely, if it wasn't for them, mother wouldn't have made it until today.
      He never comforted her, he never really sincerely apologized either. And that left a huge mark on her. I mean if I was the one, I would have left everything and just return back to US with a divorcement and start new. But mother did, she stayed and settled, trying to forget and forgive. Though there's always this mark of scar on her, but then she hid it well, all these 18 years, I wonder how she survived. The more I learned about the truth, the more guilt I felt. I was the stone in their relationship, if my existent wasn't present, then this family may have a chance to live happier than ever, but then again, that would mean my dad may continuously cheat. Oh well, maybe this was all fate in a sense.
      Now today, why did I out of no where wrote this article? My parents once again broke into a huge fight with my dad starting everything with greed. He cared about himself more than others, and money obviously more than his wife.  I really do feel bad for my mom, it was at that time I wish I had a job already, and a place of my own, a place where mother can come and escape all these miserable hell. But then again, I am just a 18 years old with all the "irresponsible" marks on my head, what can I possibly do? I feel like punching my dad hard, hoping that he would get some sense in his system. I wished for powers to change my dad's mindset, and become a good husband, but then again, those are just wishes not things that can be done easily.
      At this point in life, I began to feel thankful, not just because I have a life already given at the palm of my hand, but a good life, a life many like my mother would be jealous of. A life where guys that are really truely after me, and the ones that I have been with are all good and not bad influences. That I have extreme luck, though there are down hill many time, but the uphill is really rewoarding. Thank you for everything you have done mother, you are truely a hero in my heart, the only thing i regret is not being able to be your friend and be there to talk with you about these and make you feel better. Making work the only escape place, the only paradise to escape from troubles. I am sorry.

Desperation; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      It's amazing how far desperation can take us. Desperation, sometimes leads us to jealousy, sometimes leads so low mean cruel things and tactics you may never or could never imagine. Desperation sometimes leads to disasters, its those that lead us to. What's that phrase called? Uh, desperate time comes desperate needs? Yeah that is the phrase.
      Having a friend who is desperate for hangout with guys friends, no way. I guess there's always a reason why i hated her after getting to know her. The feeling wasn't clear until recently, more and more acts tends to show its obviousness when it hits the surface. I tend to question myself at times, what is it that i resemble with her? what is it that cause me to attract such a friend. I mean like they say, you are your friends. There's obviously a bond that keeps you guys together. It may be desperation as well, it may be because we're both desperate for friend, or we are both evil in ways which i tend to hide, but either way, still.
      She invites a group of guys, to be exact, three. One straight forward with no thinking of anything else, one is just forward about things and another that is just a plain pervert. I tend to wonder sometimes, why am I in this in the first place. Me and my other friend both disagree to the fact that she was going to invite the three guys, but then I guess in another sense of desperation she invites them anyways. Like come on, me and my friend, lets just call her A, me and A constantly tells her about not wanting to invite them but no matter what she insisted. Then what happens when they come? Disasters. Yeah, disasters. The straightforward one just went off blasting about how crappy the movie we were watching was, the other guy who's just forward on thing said it was boring and he might as well read the manga and then got bored of it. Then there's the pervert talking while harassing the friend B. I really felt like screaming and just leave the house and make them feel awkward and sorry, but i didn't  i stayed like a good audience. Mad at friend B, no matter how sorry she was I couldn't forgive her for that, not now, not later. And to make things worst, i actually trusted her enough to reply to her to only find out that she shows my text to other people. Can you believe that? Even I myself couldn't believe such thing. Like come on, if i was complaining about them as a best friend you wouldn't do that to betray each other right? Well I guess I was wrong. and of course things are just too obvious. I hate my life, I have like three paper due on Monday well that's supposingly and since I don't have school that day well cram cram cram! Anyways speaking of that there's always the other things like....HOMEWORK DUE ON TUESDAY. self stab

well until next time..

-remain unnamed.