At home, in my thoughts on bed, I can imagine millions of scenario that are played through an incident. I can imagine how to approach each and everyone, and how I should encounter each and everyone of them. There is this common saying that, "it is easier to be said than done", and quite frankly I think its utterly true. We watch movies and see stupid scenes where individuals could save themselves from death, and humiliations, but what we are being tied to and am too blind to see is that we have to be in that current character's shoes to judge the action itself. We need that certainty in which we don't have. We typify characters on screen and off screen for the stupid choices they have, but how many of us actually thought of a second that we may never be in the same scenario as them. I remember as a kid, it is frustrating just to see cartoon characters freeze in the middle of the road just because they saw a car approach and is about to hit him/her. I remember I would scream and tell them to run, and think that these characters are illogical and doesn't think, but when I encountered a near car-accident experience a year back, all I could do was freeze on the spot rather than escape from such event. These things are so frustrating to deal with, yet we take it so lightly.
These past few months, I been thinking about my actions I have done in the past. I may have committed a sin that is so sinful that even a non-religious atheist believe in the term "sin". I kissed a homozygous being, or in another term, someone with the same gender as me. It wasn't that part that made me shameful of what I have done, but rather, the fact that I took no responsibility of the action made me angry. Made me ashamed of the things I done, and how I have handled it. It became awkward after that sleepover. In fact, waking up after your hormones drown out is the worst thing that could've happened. Realizing that all those things you did were just because of the moment rather than actually doing it according to your feelings were just wrongful. Especially when in the next few days, the girl I had such encountered with wrote me a four page letter confessing that she did it not for the moment, but because she grew feelings for me, What the hell self? Why did I even allow that to happen when I don't have feelings for her? It seems ridiculous then, and still seems ridiculous now to think about it. She tried calling me and talking to me because I tried to avoid her, she tried coming up to me and saying hi and still but all I can do is walk away and pretend I have errands to run and things to do. I treated her awfully, for when she was contributing her whole heart out. I was the bad guy in that friendship. If I didn't have feelings for her and she was my best friend, I shouldn't have motivated her to kiss me, or to kiss her back. I shouldn't have gave it the chance for it to happen,. nor should I have allowed it to happen.
I knew she was bi, I knew she doesn't just playing around. I knew shes kind and sensitive, yet I wrecked her like a wrecking ball. I was the reason why she ended up unfriending me and blocked me on facebook. I was the reason why every time I see her on campus or around the hall, she have to put her head down and walk away fast. I was the reason why our friendship turned from being best friends to being just awkward strangers in the street. I really want to say I miss her, I miss being able to talk to someone about things, to be able to speak Chinese openly, and being able to open up and accepted. She actually cared full time rather than my other friends caring only half of the times. Yet I dropped her hard. What was I thinking?
There were so many opportunities where I could have saved the relationship. There were so many times where we could have made up and pretended nothing have happened, yet I chose to do the selfish thing and blocked her off of my life once again.
How stupid of me? Letting one of the most important person go just because of that. Flushed it down the drain like that...
I imagined in my bed, scenaros where I see her, and apologize to her. I see myself talking to her, saying and speaking some sense, giving this whole speech trying to make up for these. But i know no matter how I say it, there would be no way things would just simply go back to normal. Her sister hates me now for wrecking her, and I dont blame her. because if was her sister, I would do the same thing.
I imagined all these different scenarios where I walk up and ask for her time, to ask her "do you hate me?" Apologizing for the years of pain I caused on her, but just now, just half an hour ago, when I saw a back shadow that seems like her but I didn't have the courage to check or even to call her out or pull her back, I felt powerless. I was shakened as if I was in front of a hundred audiences. I was afraid of facing her, all the guilt and fear rushes into my brain, paralyzing me from reaching forward, or to even open my mouth to speak up. My feet began to drag, and I began to walk slower.
She seems exactly like her, the girl seemed exactly like her. The way she walks, the way she position herself, and the way she holds her phone. It makes me think so much, my heart tells me to approach her, to talk to her, to stop her before not seeing her again. This is the chance. Yet in my brain, my logic is telling me the opposite, telling me that I am just heading into a trap. It's stupid, it is really stupid but true.
I wish there was just a time machine, going back to the time where none of these happened, going back to freshmen year, maybe even elementary school and start all over with the knowledge I have of today.
but to bad that is just a narrative of fictional sci-fi that would not happen anytime soon.
If she was reading this today, I really would hope for her forgiveness, because I am the one at the completely fault of what is happening today.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Rememberance ; la douleur
This was written on Friday I believe, but just let me copy and paste this because I think I never got the chance to put this up.
Am I stupid to expect him to change, and to understand? Am I
selfish for asking for simple things like talking to me at night? I see other
people, and then I look at myself. I push off all of my sweet time to be with
him regardless of anything, and all he can do, the best he can do is pushing
SOME of his time and except my appreciation? What appreciation? Let’s be honest,
I already lost all of my friends, and don’t even talk to them on the phone
anymore, and now this shit? So I push my friends away, it’s something that I am
“obligated” to do, and for him to push off gaming night, or even delay it,
would literally kill our relationship? Wow, that’s just touchy. Exactly touchy.
Hecking every time I would skip an hangout, or skip and
phone conversation. For what reason? Because Danny is finally available, and
things like that, yet now a days, guys don’t appreciate, or don’t remember.
Well shit.
Humanity in general,
tends to remember more of the things they didn’t do, the things they piss you
off with, and the things that they disagree with you about more than the things
that you did that’s good and such.
In arguments like this, the ones who first remember the
rights the opposite do, looses, because obviously, the guilt will come in and
hit you in the head.
The funny thing is that, tomorrow is his birthday, and I was
actually beginning to write his birthday card when he called, and now with that
one call, everything is gone. My idea, my inspiration, everything. Why the hell
will he even fight with me on a night like this.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Appreciation
Am I stupid to expect him to change, and to understand? Am I
selfish for asking for simple things like talking to me at night? I see other
people, and then I look at myself. I push off all of my sweet time to be with
him regardless of anything, and all he can do, the best he can do is pushing
SOME of his time and except my appreciation? What appreciation? Let’s be honest,
I already lost all of my friends, and don’t even talk to them on the phone
anymore, and now this shit? So I push my friends away, it’s something that I am
“obligated” to do, and for him to push off gaming night, or even delay it,
would literally kill our relationship? Wow, that’s just touchy. Exactly touchy.
Hecking every time I would skip an hangout, or skip and
phone conversation. For what reason? Because Danny is finally available, and
things like that, yet now a days, guys don’t appreciate, or don’t remember.
Well shit.
Humanity in general,
tends to remember more of the things they didn’t do, the things they piss you
off with, and the things that they disagree with you about more than the things
that you did that’s good and such.
In arguments like this, the ones who first remember the
rights the opposite do, looses, because obviously, the guilt will come in and
hit you in the head.
The funny thing is that, tomorrow is his birthday, and I was
actually beginning to write his birthday card when he called, and now with that
one call, everything is gone. My idea, my inspiration, everything. Why the hell
will he even fight with me on a night like this.
Just like a recent conversation I had with my friend, who started complaining about her parent's lecture. I simply yelled at her, more like lectured her about it, because honestly, having a parent dead is something that not everyone experience. And to be honest, you don't appreciate until they are gone.
Well, anyways, here is the conversation we had, and to keep it anonymous, I labeled myself as A and her as B.
B
my family is pissing me off so .. not really good
*
9:15pm
A
pissing you off as in?
9:16pm
B
I do stuff that they don't approve of in which the some of the whole student population does the same thing
which is sleep late .. and be on their computer ...
9:16pm
A
like?
well at least they care
9:17pm
B
your parents dont ?
9:17pm
A
nope
9:18pm
B
well at least you have your friends that care about you
like me
9:30pm
A
uh right, who doesnt live with me practically my whole life?
sigh
9:35pm
B
Jenny it is not that bad ....
I believe so ... we just have to find our own will power to figure things out
9:37pm
A
it's not that bad
please its not that bad.
just because you dont live under my roof in my shoes doesnt mean its all good
jsut because i look happy and express myself doesn't mean that's always how i feel.
just becase i am smiling doesn't mean i dont have things in my family that's ruining me everyday.
so dont even talk "bad" w me
9:43pm
B
I am sorry I offended you. was just trying to cheer you up
9:43pm
A
sigh.
9:44pm
B
Jenny do you have a person to vent it all out too ?
9:44pm
A
no i feel like yeah people's life is bad and all, but then you just have to complain about it without thinking about the bright side of your family you know. yeah i know your family is messed up and yeah it may cause you a bad day, but ultimately, the reason why their bad at you, the reason why they lecture you is because at this time, they still care, they still can care, they are still willing to care.
9:45pm
A
so regardless of the things they do you know, think of all the things they did that you were grateful for and think of the people in africa that doesn't have those privileged, or even jsut the orphanage.
9:46pm
B
wow Jenny ! I do think about all of this ....
I guess i should not be venting to you ... then ... my bad ...
are you mad at me ?
dont get me wrong I know my family love me ... but venting is the best solution to let go of your anger isn't it or sadness ?
---------------
It's just you know, sometimes when you're hearing others frustrating and being mad at something you never had gets you angry at times. Not because you're really jealous, just how they have it yet they don't appreciate it the way you would have if you have them. But of course, it's not until we loose them that we actually open our eyes right?
la dauleur
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Expectations ; la douleur
It's one of those sometimes that make you realize, throught influences you would expect so much more from a person. From driving all the way there to visit you to valentine chocolate anydays, but regardless, everyone compares their own relationship to another. It could be fictional, or it could be nonfiction. But whatever it is, it makes us wonder not just about the society, but ourselves as well. You can live on your life denying the fact that somebody else influenced you to become the way you are, but you know and cannot deny that somewhere deep within you, you have the desire to achieve forward, into what you think is a better and more valuable relationship where you're being rather than "whatever"ed, you're being treasured.
There are few friends I see in the relationship that had this great guy in their lives who would just do anything for them. From waiting after every so often to the Kim Possible motto, "call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me". Sometimes I feel like my relationship doesn't achieve in such a great way in compare to those, sometimes I felt like it couldn't even compare to the last one I am in, and the last one I am in, we barely did anything. And maybe that's is the problem itself. Because the last relationship lasted shorter and infact we didn't even get to know each other well to a point to get into an argument. The only thing I remember from tearing are the facts that he sometimes doesn't understand me, but then that's all that there is. And to be honest, I loved him too much.
From experiences, "too much expectations, too much pain". So pretty much expectation is a part of pain. You expect too much, and then they don't meet up to your expectation, BAM, a scar right in the center of your heart.
I sometimes tend to wonder about how life is without a boyfriend, or actually being single to date, yes it may sound like the stupidest thing to think about, but to the ones who are in troubled relationship, it's the best thing to think about as of now. We all been through a lot in our lives, but one thing that no matter how much we been through we don't learn from is comparing other people's lives to yours. I mean even from the beginning, comparing lives of others to yours isn't even comparable in the first place. Other people is other people, and you are you. There's always pro and cons to life. Sometimes don't you ever think, "oh thank god that wasn't me." Or like, "thank god that's not my parents." Or even, "thank god I don't live in the same situation." Because the truth is, you know your life is better, at point to point if you're to compare with everyone. There's gotta be fruits one some part of the tree that are sweet. You just need to stop and look around.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
shine ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя (happiness)
This isn't a talk about depression, nor a talk of complain, but instead happiness that shines bright within me right now. Shines away all the darkness. Today, hanging out with old friends from high school shown my true happiness. Though meeting so many people in college, not one person can replace or fit in a place where these two idiots of mine that always makes me smile and tries their best cheering me up at times. I dont know what I would do without them. So this article is especially written for them. Though they will probably never find this blog, or ever read it, I feel like its my obligation to write it down here as my feelings you know.
Hanging out all the time sure makes the friendship stronger than before, but then hanging out once every rare occasion makes everything special. I finally realize it isnt the amount of times you hang with someone but your feeling towards them. A little of double meaning there, but then of course only I would get it, because afterall, its relating to something i been hiding deep within myself. Something I probably will never reveal to anyone in the world.
One terrible thing that happened today though it while driving and turning at this intersection, since i was running a bit late I didn't slow down at a turn, and there was a dip right there. By driving 30 miles per hour it really isnt something safe to talk about. But anyhow, there was this huge bomb noise, super loud, and I was scared, literally, and i think everyone else was too. After that I kept hearing scratching noise, loud ones. I was scared of the fact that it might be coming out from the car, scaring of the fact that my bumper was the one that fell. As i parked on the side of the road, I realize it was something that was plastic that was under the car, behind the bumper (thank god it wasn't the bumper, or else my parents would kill me and murder me.) but anyways I panicked because the truth is I cant really drive anywhere with a plastic protector of the bottom of the car, half lingering and half still up and fine you know. Nor did I have the tool to untwist the thing that held those two halves together.
I knew I couldn't drive all the way to school like that, because its 30 minutes away. So I decided to run into the private school near the street, but to realize I have no idea where the entrance was. It was then I saw this one latino man walking down the sidewalk. Chance! I thought to myself as I yelled towards his direction. "Hi, uhm can I borrow your phone?" He seemed a bit stranged out and confused, I mean if it was me I would too. And plus stranger danger even though I am the younger one here. As I pointed to my car, he then broke through the awkward zone and came offering his help, and ripped the half of the protector off and explained how it wouldn't cause a problem because that was only used as a protector.
It was then, i begun to drive more cautiously than usual that day, but at the same time felt lucky and thankful towards life. I mean how lucky am I to find someone who would actually offer help and come by an empty sidewalk. Today is a good day. Thank you lord, god, and budda, espeically mommy for blessing me on such a lovely thursday.
All I can say is...as a conclusion, there is hope for human kind! (haha jk its a joke conclusion, just ignore this line haha)
Hanging out all the time sure makes the friendship stronger than before, but then hanging out once every rare occasion makes everything special. I finally realize it isnt the amount of times you hang with someone but your feeling towards them. A little of double meaning there, but then of course only I would get it, because afterall, its relating to something i been hiding deep within myself. Something I probably will never reveal to anyone in the world.
One terrible thing that happened today though it while driving and turning at this intersection, since i was running a bit late I didn't slow down at a turn, and there was a dip right there. By driving 30 miles per hour it really isnt something safe to talk about. But anyhow, there was this huge bomb noise, super loud, and I was scared, literally, and i think everyone else was too. After that I kept hearing scratching noise, loud ones. I was scared of the fact that it might be coming out from the car, scaring of the fact that my bumper was the one that fell. As i parked on the side of the road, I realize it was something that was plastic that was under the car, behind the bumper (thank god it wasn't the bumper, or else my parents would kill me and murder me.) but anyways I panicked because the truth is I cant really drive anywhere with a plastic protector of the bottom of the car, half lingering and half still up and fine you know. Nor did I have the tool to untwist the thing that held those two halves together.
I knew I couldn't drive all the way to school like that, because its 30 minutes away. So I decided to run into the private school near the street, but to realize I have no idea where the entrance was. It was then I saw this one latino man walking down the sidewalk. Chance! I thought to myself as I yelled towards his direction. "Hi, uhm can I borrow your phone?" He seemed a bit stranged out and confused, I mean if it was me I would too. And plus stranger danger even though I am the younger one here. As I pointed to my car, he then broke through the awkward zone and came offering his help, and ripped the half of the protector off and explained how it wouldn't cause a problem because that was only used as a protector.
It was then, i begun to drive more cautiously than usual that day, but at the same time felt lucky and thankful towards life. I mean how lucky am I to find someone who would actually offer help and come by an empty sidewalk. Today is a good day. Thank you lord, god, and budda, espeically mommy for blessing me on such a lovely thursday.
All I can say is...as a conclusion, there is hope for human kind! (haha jk its a joke conclusion, just ignore this line haha)
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Dark-Side ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя ·
Lies, one by one will catch up in time. Sooner or later you will realize the things that had happen, the things that you have told others, the lies, though may cover that current moment, but it wouldn't be able to cover things forever. Like crimials, thinking that they may be able to hide forever, but there's not a forever in things. Sometimes if destiny doesnt catch up to you in time, death would. Simple enough.
I have been lying a lot. To many, I may be this one young innocent child who just turned 18, but inside lies many deep dark secrets, lies that I would never risk my life to reveal and lose everything. I know lying in the first place have its consequence. It's either them finding out and you risking to lose things, or you gamble with chance and hope for the best. And that's what I actually do best.
Many thinks they know me, they know how I work and all, but what they dont know is my evil side, my dark side. I seem like a happy and sunshine person, but inside fill with desire and desperateness for things that I am not able to retrieve. And sometimes that dark side tends to take over me and try to gain what it wants. I can't simply just say I lost control of my good side, because truth is, human is neutral, they have both good and bad sides, but its what they want to pick, and it's obvious for me I'd rather be picking the evil at times even though I knew there would be consequences. Isn't that strange? We knew there would be consequences but the desire is so strong that you would go for it anyways.
I didn't know about my dark side for a long time. In fact, I didnt know that I had one until recently. It wasn't till present current and I got into a big fight and near break up to make me realize that over time, how much of the evil have taken over me. I was beginning to fear my other side thats starting to mix with my good side. But there have to be an invitation to begin with for that to be able to occur. My evil side obviously didn't wake itself up, but something obviously triggered it. That's the same for everyone. You aren't born with pure evilness, your born neutral in a sense, and the decision to stay that way or not its all up to you and the environment that you live in.
Where am I now? Am I ready to get to know myself better? Or am I better off just living with the fact of knowing about my little evil side? I question myself sometimes, why would I choose the decision I chosen, but then the answer still remains unclear. It's really funny how things turn out in life.
Like 01.19.2013.
I have been lying a lot. To many, I may be this one young innocent child who just turned 18, but inside lies many deep dark secrets, lies that I would never risk my life to reveal and lose everything. I know lying in the first place have its consequence. It's either them finding out and you risking to lose things, or you gamble with chance and hope for the best. And that's what I actually do best.
Many thinks they know me, they know how I work and all, but what they dont know is my evil side, my dark side. I seem like a happy and sunshine person, but inside fill with desire and desperateness for things that I am not able to retrieve. And sometimes that dark side tends to take over me and try to gain what it wants. I can't simply just say I lost control of my good side, because truth is, human is neutral, they have both good and bad sides, but its what they want to pick, and it's obvious for me I'd rather be picking the evil at times even though I knew there would be consequences. Isn't that strange? We knew there would be consequences but the desire is so strong that you would go for it anyways.
I didn't know about my dark side for a long time. In fact, I didnt know that I had one until recently. It wasn't till present current and I got into a big fight and near break up to make me realize that over time, how much of the evil have taken over me. I was beginning to fear my other side thats starting to mix with my good side. But there have to be an invitation to begin with for that to be able to occur. My evil side obviously didn't wake itself up, but something obviously triggered it. That's the same for everyone. You aren't born with pure evilness, your born neutral in a sense, and the decision to stay that way or not its all up to you and the environment that you live in.
Where am I now? Am I ready to get to know myself better? Or am I better off just living with the fact of knowing about my little evil side? I question myself sometimes, why would I choose the decision I chosen, but then the answer still remains unclear. It's really funny how things turn out in life.
Like 01.19.2013.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Desperation; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
It's amazing how far desperation can take us. Desperation, sometimes leads us to jealousy, sometimes leads so low mean cruel things and tactics you may never or could never imagine. Desperation sometimes leads to disasters, its those that lead us to. What's that phrase called? Uh, desperate time comes desperate needs? Yeah that is the phrase.
Having a friend who is desperate for hangout with guys friends, no way. I guess there's always a reason why i hated her after getting to know her. The feeling wasn't clear until recently, more and more acts tends to show its obviousness when it hits the surface. I tend to question myself at times, what is it that i resemble with her? what is it that cause me to attract such a friend. I mean like they say, you are your friends. There's obviously a bond that keeps you guys together. It may be desperation as well, it may be because we're both desperate for friend, or we are both evil in ways which i tend to hide, but either way, still.
She invites a group of guys, to be exact, three. One straight forward with no thinking of anything else, one is just forward about things and another that is just a plain pervert. I tend to wonder sometimes, why am I in this in the first place. Me and my other friend both disagree to the fact that she was going to invite the three guys, but then I guess in another sense of desperation she invites them anyways. Like come on, me and my friend, lets just call her A, me and A constantly tells her about not wanting to invite them but no matter what she insisted. Then what happens when they come? Disasters. Yeah, disasters. The straightforward one just went off blasting about how crappy the movie we were watching was, the other guy who's just forward on thing said it was boring and he might as well read the manga and then got bored of it. Then there's the pervert talking while harassing the friend B. I really felt like screaming and just leave the house and make them feel awkward and sorry, but i didn't i stayed like a good audience. Mad at friend B, no matter how sorry she was I couldn't forgive her for that, not now, not later. And to make things worst, i actually trusted her enough to reply to her to only find out that she shows my text to other people. Can you believe that? Even I myself couldn't believe such thing. Like come on, if i was complaining about them as a best friend you wouldn't do that to betray each other right? Well I guess I was wrong. and of course things are just too obvious. I hate my life, I have like three paper due on Monday well that's supposingly and since I don't have school that day well cram cram cram! Anyways speaking of that there's always the other things like....HOMEWORK DUE ON TUESDAY. self stab
well until next time..
-remain unnamed.
Having a friend who is desperate for hangout with guys friends, no way. I guess there's always a reason why i hated her after getting to know her. The feeling wasn't clear until recently, more and more acts tends to show its obviousness when it hits the surface. I tend to question myself at times, what is it that i resemble with her? what is it that cause me to attract such a friend. I mean like they say, you are your friends. There's obviously a bond that keeps you guys together. It may be desperation as well, it may be because we're both desperate for friend, or we are both evil in ways which i tend to hide, but either way, still.
She invites a group of guys, to be exact, three. One straight forward with no thinking of anything else, one is just forward about things and another that is just a plain pervert. I tend to wonder sometimes, why am I in this in the first place. Me and my other friend both disagree to the fact that she was going to invite the three guys, but then I guess in another sense of desperation she invites them anyways. Like come on, me and my friend, lets just call her A, me and A constantly tells her about not wanting to invite them but no matter what she insisted. Then what happens when they come? Disasters. Yeah, disasters. The straightforward one just went off blasting about how crappy the movie we were watching was, the other guy who's just forward on thing said it was boring and he might as well read the manga and then got bored of it. Then there's the pervert talking while harassing the friend B. I really felt like screaming and just leave the house and make them feel awkward and sorry, but i didn't i stayed like a good audience. Mad at friend B, no matter how sorry she was I couldn't forgive her for that, not now, not later. And to make things worst, i actually trusted her enough to reply to her to only find out that she shows my text to other people. Can you believe that? Even I myself couldn't believe such thing. Like come on, if i was complaining about them as a best friend you wouldn't do that to betray each other right? Well I guess I was wrong. and of course things are just too obvious. I hate my life, I have like three paper due on Monday well that's supposingly and since I don't have school that day well cram cram cram! Anyways speaking of that there's always the other things like....HOMEWORK DUE ON TUESDAY. self stab
well until next time..
-remain unnamed.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
true friendship; short.
Today's lesson is, no matter how depress it is, no matter how much fight you get into, friends are always there for you. Well, true friends actually. And by far, the only set of true friends I have by far obtain is these two, who are truely true friends of mine. Who when I need them the most, always there for me. And for sure, I am thankful for them. Thank you lord or whoever is above for giving me this chance to be with them, to enjoy moments of smile.
I always question friendship at times because all it seems like is when you need them, they are there, and when you dont need them, their nothing to you. But those two, they are always there, sometimes one is more than another, but truthfully speaking, no matter how much fight you get into with them, you know in the end all you desire is getting back on being friends with them! because that's just exactly how much they mean to you! (:
No pain, no gain. Well too much happiness so no need to blog today! :D until next time!
I always question friendship at times because all it seems like is when you need them, they are there, and when you dont need them, their nothing to you. But those two, they are always there, sometimes one is more than another, but truthfully speaking, no matter how much fight you get into with them, you know in the end all you desire is getting back on being friends with them! because that's just exactly how much they mean to you! (:
No pain, no gain. Well too much happiness so no need to blog today! :D until next time!
Friday, December 28, 2012
Brickwalls.
Behind each and every wall is a story. It may be a story of sadness or a story of happiness. But at this time, all these ever was is the story of sadness. Pure sadness.
I always thought, your soul-mate the person who you are bound to be with will understand you and match you in all sorts of ways, but then maybe I am wrong. After all, present, current, he isn't my soul-mate Then again, we go back to the question, why did I leave my past behind if he was my soul-mate Why did I think that he didn't fit for me? Why do I look down on him and all? The answers may be all buried in within my heart, probably even I will never figure out what's me thinking deep down in there.
Thinking that I was able to stop a fight by tears, the weakness of present, current. I was wrong. Things were getting back on track until he started saying how I embarrass him in front of my friends. I mean come on, what is there to be ashamed of. I responded jokingly like oh you lost your dignity long time ago, and with a serious reply, he tells me that, "It's not dignity, its pride." Same god damn thing. Its something you cared about what other people think of you with. I mean if you were to have so much pride in the first place you wouldn't be worrying now would you? No!
Current is a huge hypocrite, thinking that things should be all these and that, but when actually he doesn't even do it himself at times. He expect me to always be on his side and take it. Always and never talk behind his back or even say bad things about him. Like come on, that's what close friends do, but in this case, I have more than one close friends. Sigh, I really wonder where he stands now. I told him the truth oh you never always stand for me, you don't always stand for me and you expect me to stand for you? Isn't that a bit ridiculous? Then he tells me how offended he was when I call him a fob, and to be honest I think everyone knows this, and in fact none of them minded yet he did. Sometimes I just wanna slap myself to see if this is even actually real? I call him hyper sensitive because to be honest, if you're close with someone and tease them on their weakness, to be honest, you are sensitive, and that's totally fine. But not knowing or not coming to the conclusion of accepting it is unacceptable.
Maybe he will never realize this, maybe he have a lot of things to back up against me. Sometimes I just wish I am good at arguing with people like him and I can speak a piece of my mind without current disagreeing with me.
Until next time.
Monday, December 10, 2012
ιт'ѕ coмplιcαтed. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
Looking through your pictures, looking through my comments, looking through those replies that you given. A few simple comment could already bring up a whole stack of memories. Then what am I suppose to do when I see you face to face once again?
You, posting a picture of your self with long hair, because I never seen you in a suit, because I told you to grow out your hair.
Me, commenting on the picture with just one word, "fat." can trigger up a smile upon your face.
You, seeing the short comment, can rise with an smile and reply with things like, "again???? -.- LOL xDD hahahaha slap ur face later LOL xDD". Just with that one sentence, nostalgic feeling of us being together came back to me again.
It is wrong? Should I not have these kind of feelings? Already half way through the day, yet you are still in my mind. Thinking that I was long over you, finally forgetting your existence, oh boy was I wrong. Even though denial towards myself works, but then when reality hits in, nothing can stop it, nothing can stand in the way of it.
Why, why did I break up with you? Why did I ignore you? Why couldn't I face you? Is my love for you too much for me myself to handle? Perhaps that's the reason why. The reason why I can't love you anymore. Maybe its because of how strong my love is for you that's making me pulling myself away from you.
It's stupid, because ever since young, I always thought love is real, love is pure, love is everything you think it is. And just like fairy tales, true love will last forever. Watching drama in my teenage years, I begin to wonder why are people so stupid? Why would they pull themselves away from the ones that loves them truely for the ones that even though loves them but contradict themselves. And why do others who truely love each other run away from each other, and cause misunderstandings? Although in the end things always resolve, it just tends to piss me off, why will they even think of leaving each other? If they love each other, if it was love at first sight or true love, why will the avoid each other. Then it was not until I hit high school that I begin to come to an understanding.
Love is a strange word, it cannot be simply defined. And with just an phrase, "I Love You." Though can fill you up with warmth, or happiness, its mostly a lie. People when they say the phrase, 90% of them probably don't even mean them. Stupid complex love. Why is it so complicated?
I use to think, that love is already enough, love itself can fullfill anything, and can last forever. My head's been sticking to that thoughts stronger everyday, until high school. Junior year hit me.
It was junior year that all the things happened, and it was junior year that my heart was first broken, then back in love, then confused, then turned to complicated. Even now, I am still confused. I dont even know what to do anymore.
Maybe people are right, money can really change things. Economic stands can really change things. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you really just simply cant be with them, especially when you're as selfish as me. Everything that happened up to today is my fault, my choice, and if I ruined it, of course, its me that's suppose to be the one to be pointed finger at. <- im not even sure if that makes sense. But sigh, one more final to go, so until next blog of the day.
until then!
chao!
You, posting a picture of your self with long hair, because I never seen you in a suit, because I told you to grow out your hair.
Me, commenting on the picture with just one word, "fat." can trigger up a smile upon your face.
You, seeing the short comment, can rise with an smile and reply with things like, "again???? -.- LOL xDD hahahaha slap ur face later LOL xDD". Just with that one sentence, nostalgic feeling of us being together came back to me again.
It is wrong? Should I not have these kind of feelings? Already half way through the day, yet you are still in my mind. Thinking that I was long over you, finally forgetting your existence, oh boy was I wrong. Even though denial towards myself works, but then when reality hits in, nothing can stop it, nothing can stand in the way of it.
Why, why did I break up with you? Why did I ignore you? Why couldn't I face you? Is my love for you too much for me myself to handle? Perhaps that's the reason why. The reason why I can't love you anymore. Maybe its because of how strong my love is for you that's making me pulling myself away from you.
It's stupid, because ever since young, I always thought love is real, love is pure, love is everything you think it is. And just like fairy tales, true love will last forever. Watching drama in my teenage years, I begin to wonder why are people so stupid? Why would they pull themselves away from the ones that loves them truely for the ones that even though loves them but contradict themselves. And why do others who truely love each other run away from each other, and cause misunderstandings? Although in the end things always resolve, it just tends to piss me off, why will they even think of leaving each other? If they love each other, if it was love at first sight or true love, why will the avoid each other. Then it was not until I hit high school that I begin to come to an understanding.
Love is a strange word, it cannot be simply defined. And with just an phrase, "I Love You." Though can fill you up with warmth, or happiness, its mostly a lie. People when they say the phrase, 90% of them probably don't even mean them. Stupid complex love. Why is it so complicated?
I use to think, that love is already enough, love itself can fullfill anything, and can last forever. My head's been sticking to that thoughts stronger everyday, until high school. Junior year hit me.
It was junior year that all the things happened, and it was junior year that my heart was first broken, then back in love, then confused, then turned to complicated. Even now, I am still confused. I dont even know what to do anymore.
Maybe people are right, money can really change things. Economic stands can really change things. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you really just simply cant be with them, especially when you're as selfish as me. Everything that happened up to today is my fault, my choice, and if I ruined it, of course, its me that's suppose to be the one to be pointed finger at. <- im not even sure if that makes sense. But sigh, one more final to go, so until next blog of the day.
until then!
chao!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
12/05/2012 ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
warning, its a none stop quick write for random thoughts. no edits. thanks.
i am in so much pain, why cant anyone see it. a happy call, can quickly turn into a dramatical call in seconds. was i stupid and wrong for thinking that i was finally right for the first time? god, was it wrong to finally overcome your fear in speaking the truth? if you were crushed down in the beginning, what more is there to look for?
why cant he ever see that i was finally trying to stand on my own two feet? why cant he see that i needed his support right there and right then?
maybe its right, people are be meant to hang alone, best survival tip. if care no one, no care for one. okay i just made it up, so whatever. but honestly, what is this trust? what is the component in relationships that makes it last? i sometimes thought maybe i can finally open to one, then to realize i was living in a lie again. the truth is, no matter what happens, you still have people who are unthoughtful, people who will never change, who never hears you out, and who says they will be there for you but just end up not caring about the world.
i'm sorry, for being such an uncaring girlfriend, irresponsible girlfriend, terrible girlfriend. maybe break up is a good suggestion, because you wouldnt have to hear my pain, wouldnt have to bear my package, worry so much about me, because honestly i am the most unresponsible person you will by far ever meet. i dont know.
sometimes i wish i can be like you, being able to say everything out. i am so jealous of the fact that no matter what, you can say anything and everything out. so jealous of the fact that no matter how embarrsing it may sound, you still spit it all out.
to be honest.
i really couldnt care anymore w the story, the main purpose at first of you reading a story is to hear you talk. hear your voice, because in the beginning of our relationship our conversing level is way worst the the ones we have right now. even though now, its not going anywhere either. i do care for you and miss you and worry about you, just because i dont say anything dont mean none of themm didnt happen. i just sometimes wonder, whats wrong with me. why do i have to cry why do i have to exppress of sorrow more than i have to. i am sorry, im sorry for making you hear my cries as i shed tears, i am sorry for everything.
i am in so much pain, why cant anyone see it. a happy call, can quickly turn into a dramatical call in seconds. was i stupid and wrong for thinking that i was finally right for the first time? god, was it wrong to finally overcome your fear in speaking the truth? if you were crushed down in the beginning, what more is there to look for?
why cant he ever see that i was finally trying to stand on my own two feet? why cant he see that i needed his support right there and right then?
maybe its right, people are be meant to hang alone, best survival tip. if care no one, no care for one. okay i just made it up, so whatever. but honestly, what is this trust? what is the component in relationships that makes it last? i sometimes thought maybe i can finally open to one, then to realize i was living in a lie again. the truth is, no matter what happens, you still have people who are unthoughtful, people who will never change, who never hears you out, and who says they will be there for you but just end up not caring about the world.
i'm sorry, for being such an uncaring girlfriend, irresponsible girlfriend, terrible girlfriend. maybe break up is a good suggestion, because you wouldnt have to hear my pain, wouldnt have to bear my package, worry so much about me, because honestly i am the most unresponsible person you will by far ever meet. i dont know.
sometimes i wish i can be like you, being able to say everything out. i am so jealous of the fact that no matter what, you can say anything and everything out. so jealous of the fact that no matter how embarrsing it may sound, you still spit it all out.
to be honest.
i really couldnt care anymore w the story, the main purpose at first of you reading a story is to hear you talk. hear your voice, because in the beginning of our relationship our conversing level is way worst the the ones we have right now. even though now, its not going anywhere either. i do care for you and miss you and worry about you, just because i dont say anything dont mean none of themm didnt happen. i just sometimes wonder, whats wrong with me. why do i have to cry why do i have to exppress of sorrow more than i have to. i am sorry, im sorry for making you hear my cries as i shed tears, i am sorry for everything.
ѕтσяιєѕ ℓєαяηє∂ - נєѕѕιcα. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
La douleur, why do I post this title as a blog name? When you find the root source of this phrase that's when you will realize what it meant. What this whole blog meant.
Today, after class, spending time with my classmate who I have done nothing but chatting during class with. Having dinner, and hanging out in the park made me realize something. Something valuable I learned. Being a leader. My friend, she was a victim, a victim in relationship. Another victim that is. Are guys just that unthoughtful, greedy, and inconsiderate? I think not. But of course, I have never stepped into her shoes, so I shouldn't know this.
She, like many girls, were lied to, and were used. Thought that it was true love, but in the end, just another fool. Another fool too innocent to think of anything else. Stupidity. Love makes people blind, so they say, and I can't agree more. She, back in her home country, Vietnam, was with this popular singer. Thinking that it was love at first sight, doing things from commitment to the basic relationship to house work all over her boyfriend's house. Doing orders coming down from his parents, things that only house cleaning ladies would do. Like a housewife, trapped in a loop of circle, not knowing that she's been used all this time. Everytime when she was over, she would do nothing but work and more house work, nonstop, meanwhile the boy would just make an excuse of "work" and leave the house without a care. Stupid enough like she is, she would believe him and stay in the house to help out. But what she doesn't know at that time was that everytime when he claims to be working, he was actually seeing girls, seeing girls behind her back, cheating on her each time.
All three years of the relationship, she have done nothing but committing, believing in the love they had, having a long distance relationship. To be honest, unless the guy truly loves you deep down in the heart, long distance relationship will never last, ever. I have seen it, I have experience friends who had those stories, I know. And not to mention cheating, i mean if he were to cheat when she's like few steps away from him, then obviously when she's out of the country, he will cheat more. After all, all she is was just a tool, a toy to play with, a thing that he can show off around saying that he once had.
She gave me some inspirational speech today, though still an immigrant, and only been in relationship once, she have told me something I decide to take in as consideration. "Be a leader," she said, "be someone who leads, not follow" "because, in the very end, if you are a follower, you will just be another girl in the guy's life." I find flaws in that statement, but then at the same time i found truth, I found something in that speech that was worth following. If we lean too much and give in too much, in the end, we will just be another item, another object to them.
Sometimes I feel so lucky, I feel so lucky that in all my 18 years, I have never had such terrifying experience with love, with relationship, with guys, or else I may end up like her, losing faith in love and relationship, losing faith in people. I am grateful for all the guys that had happened in my life. Then ones that I let go, and the ones that I hold on, the ones that I questioned, the ones that I regret. Without them, I wouldnt be the me I am now, and without them, I would have became someone else.
Listening to stories are a great way to cheer yourself up, sometimes its those tragic that makes you have those sudden realization about how lucky you are to be here and not in the same position as them. But then sometimes I still question, does he really love me like he said he does?
My boyfriend, he although cares about me a lot, gave in a lot, give a lot of sacrifices I sometimes wonder, truthfully, does he really care that much? Deep inside, is it the loneliness in all these years part of the reason why he loved me? If he cares, why would he pressure me into things I dont want to do. But now, listening to her, listening to the stories, I have decided, as of now, i will not be pressured into the things that I dont want to do.
If I dont want to do something, I won't do it. Not because I dont love them, its because if like they said, they love me either way, whether I do the things they ask or not, then why should I do it? Because I should give in efforts too? Well, I will give in efforts too then, but just not in the ways that he craves for, not when it runs against my belief. Because if he loves me, he then will also respect me.
Today, after class, spending time with my classmate who I have done nothing but chatting during class with. Having dinner, and hanging out in the park made me realize something. Something valuable I learned. Being a leader. My friend, she was a victim, a victim in relationship. Another victim that is. Are guys just that unthoughtful, greedy, and inconsiderate? I think not. But of course, I have never stepped into her shoes, so I shouldn't know this.
She, like many girls, were lied to, and were used. Thought that it was true love, but in the end, just another fool. Another fool too innocent to think of anything else. Stupidity. Love makes people blind, so they say, and I can't agree more. She, back in her home country, Vietnam, was with this popular singer. Thinking that it was love at first sight, doing things from commitment to the basic relationship to house work all over her boyfriend's house. Doing orders coming down from his parents, things that only house cleaning ladies would do. Like a housewife, trapped in a loop of circle, not knowing that she's been used all this time. Everytime when she was over, she would do nothing but work and more house work, nonstop, meanwhile the boy would just make an excuse of "work" and leave the house without a care. Stupid enough like she is, she would believe him and stay in the house to help out. But what she doesn't know at that time was that everytime when he claims to be working, he was actually seeing girls, seeing girls behind her back, cheating on her each time.
All three years of the relationship, she have done nothing but committing, believing in the love they had, having a long distance relationship. To be honest, unless the guy truly loves you deep down in the heart, long distance relationship will never last, ever. I have seen it, I have experience friends who had those stories, I know. And not to mention cheating, i mean if he were to cheat when she's like few steps away from him, then obviously when she's out of the country, he will cheat more. After all, all she is was just a tool, a toy to play with, a thing that he can show off around saying that he once had.
She gave me some inspirational speech today, though still an immigrant, and only been in relationship once, she have told me something I decide to take in as consideration. "Be a leader," she said, "be someone who leads, not follow" "because, in the very end, if you are a follower, you will just be another girl in the guy's life." I find flaws in that statement, but then at the same time i found truth, I found something in that speech that was worth following. If we lean too much and give in too much, in the end, we will just be another item, another object to them.
Sometimes I feel so lucky, I feel so lucky that in all my 18 years, I have never had such terrifying experience with love, with relationship, with guys, or else I may end up like her, losing faith in love and relationship, losing faith in people. I am grateful for all the guys that had happened in my life. Then ones that I let go, and the ones that I hold on, the ones that I questioned, the ones that I regret. Without them, I wouldnt be the me I am now, and without them, I would have became someone else.
Listening to stories are a great way to cheer yourself up, sometimes its those tragic that makes you have those sudden realization about how lucky you are to be here and not in the same position as them. But then sometimes I still question, does he really love me like he said he does?
My boyfriend, he although cares about me a lot, gave in a lot, give a lot of sacrifices I sometimes wonder, truthfully, does he really care that much? Deep inside, is it the loneliness in all these years part of the reason why he loved me? If he cares, why would he pressure me into things I dont want to do. But now, listening to her, listening to the stories, I have decided, as of now, i will not be pressured into the things that I dont want to do.
If I dont want to do something, I won't do it. Not because I dont love them, its because if like they said, they love me either way, whether I do the things they ask or not, then why should I do it? Because I should give in efforts too? Well, I will give in efforts too then, but just not in the ways that he craves for, not when it runs against my belief. Because if he loves me, he then will also respect me.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
тнoѕe мoмeɴтѕ. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
Those awkward moments when you and your past no longer collide the way you wanted it to. Those awkward moment where you wished everything that had happened havent, and things can start over. It's those moments that makes you have second thoughts in life. Why did we do this? Why did we do that? Only if this happened....only if that happened...and such and such. Many of us have regrets just like that, and then we question our own action.
Sometimes when you finally meet up with your past again you suddenly realize, how nice it would have been if those things that caused the conflict didnt happen. If you didnt choose to do that. If in another paraelle universe you were actually smarter and did the right choice. But then of course, we all have times where we dont know what we do or we dont give second thoughts, or simply we dont predict the future.
It's those feeling that lead me into writing today's post. It wasnt because of some major conflict, it wasn't because of those loneliness, but because of those nostalgic feeling you had about the past when you see that person. Its those flashback that pops up that makes you realize how nice it would have been if those things didn't happen. How great of a time you guys would be having. Regardless of having to worry or avoid them as of now.
Life is so silly at times. Back in elementary, back in kindergarten, whenever you did something wrong, most likely you guys would still be talking even after that. Reason? You were just a simple pure kid, with nothing to worry about or having to have second thoughts about. Why can't we do the things like how it was? Why do we have to worry so much? Why does life have to be so complicated as of now?
But honestly, when i was a kid, i was quite a lonely kid. No friends, and the only one that's true by my side would be my mom. But she's gone now. So who's truely close to me by heart? I dont know anymore. Many may say boyfriend, may say best friend, yes thats true, they are close, they are by far the closest thing to my heart as of now in compare to anyone else. But deep down,
Sometimes when you finally meet up with your past again you suddenly realize, how nice it would have been if those things that caused the conflict didnt happen. If you didnt choose to do that. If in another paraelle universe you were actually smarter and did the right choice. But then of course, we all have times where we dont know what we do or we dont give second thoughts, or simply we dont predict the future.
It's those feeling that lead me into writing today's post. It wasnt because of some major conflict, it wasn't because of those loneliness, but because of those nostalgic feeling you had about the past when you see that person. Its those flashback that pops up that makes you realize how nice it would have been if those things didn't happen. How great of a time you guys would be having. Regardless of having to worry or avoid them as of now.
Life is so silly at times. Back in elementary, back in kindergarten, whenever you did something wrong, most likely you guys would still be talking even after that. Reason? You were just a simple pure kid, with nothing to worry about or having to have second thoughts about. Why can't we do the things like how it was? Why do we have to worry so much? Why does life have to be so complicated as of now?
But honestly, when i was a kid, i was quite a lonely kid. No friends, and the only one that's true by my side would be my mom. But she's gone now. So who's truely close to me by heart? I dont know anymore. Many may say boyfriend, may say best friend, yes thats true, they are close, they are by far the closest thing to my heart as of now in compare to anyone else. But deep down,
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
a little special something.
dear secret santa, cough cough and all those people that are reading this, which is probably everyone...
even though i am the one to tell you you're my secret santa which makes this not make any sense in the first place but then i am still writing here in hopes for some surprises.
this Christmas might be our very first Christmas not celebrating it just by passing out gifts during lunch break, but instead being all like a family and celebrating it in a house. i don't need or want anything fancy. in fact i know 10 dollar isn't gonna buy much things with the economics going down like this. and inflation, not to mention the price of gas going up.
moving on....before i move to different topics again..i would totally ask you for a mansion, a car, a limo, a hotel room, five star restaurant all you can eat, and all those things, but i am not going to, because why? I am a little angel so i shouldn't ask for much.
all i want for Christmas is you! okay unless you are gonna become my slave and all, i don't want you LOL. but uhm i actually don't know what i want for Christmas either. but i definitely don't want food or anything related to it for Christmas, because after all eating them wont be lasting memory after all.
but since my secret santa is a bit slow at things.....perhaps? HERE IT COMES!
i wish for anything that is piyo piyo related, because i personally love piyo piyo, but please don't connect rubber duckies with piyo piyo nor any other kind of ducks, because their simply not the same. but its so hard to find a cheap piyo product around huh? well i wouldn't know that because i don't go out to buy things much besides for you guys...
I would love anything that last, as long as it wont pile along with all those junk in my room for those who have seen my room already knows exactly what i mean. and for those who dont, you will just have to imagine.
so with that in mind, i don't need bar soaps, lotions (oh god i got tons of them actually), or any of the bath products. MAKE UP? MAKE UP? don't kid yourself. jenny don't use makeup...like ever! clothing? uhm go ahead but don't buy me a small, because i don't fit into them. i am between a medium and large, i am just saying. jacket definitely a large but then where the heck are you gonna buy a 10 bucks jacket these days? so nvm that.
so with those aside, really anything is fine. i just don't want bath related product or food related, or kitchen related things, and no junks please. (: definitely prefer piyo things. giftcard would be nice too. but yeah. thanks santa.
A PHONE WOULD BE SUPER NICE TOO! but you know that's kinda impossible, nor is a driver's license . so yeah, thanks! (:
even though i am the one to tell you you're my secret santa which makes this not make any sense in the first place but then i am still writing here in hopes for some surprises.
this Christmas might be our very first Christmas not celebrating it just by passing out gifts during lunch break, but instead being all like a family and celebrating it in a house. i don't need or want anything fancy. in fact i know 10 dollar isn't gonna buy much things with the economics going down like this. and inflation, not to mention the price of gas going up.
moving on....before i move to different topics again..i would totally ask you for a mansion, a car, a limo, a hotel room, five star restaurant all you can eat, and all those things, but i am not going to, because why? I am a little angel so i shouldn't ask for much.
all i want for Christmas is you! okay unless you are gonna become my slave and all, i don't want you LOL. but uhm i actually don't know what i want for Christmas either. but i definitely don't want food or anything related to it for Christmas, because after all eating them wont be lasting memory after all.
but since my secret santa is a bit slow at things.....perhaps? HERE IT COMES!
i wish for anything that is piyo piyo related, because i personally love piyo piyo, but please don't connect rubber duckies with piyo piyo nor any other kind of ducks, because their simply not the same. but its so hard to find a cheap piyo product around huh? well i wouldn't know that because i don't go out to buy things much besides for you guys...
I would love anything that last, as long as it wont pile along with all those junk in my room for those who have seen my room already knows exactly what i mean. and for those who dont, you will just have to imagine.
so with that in mind, i don't need bar soaps, lotions (oh god i got tons of them actually), or any of the bath products. MAKE UP? MAKE UP? don't kid yourself. jenny don't use makeup...like ever! clothing? uhm go ahead but don't buy me a small, because i don't fit into them. i am between a medium and large, i am just saying. jacket definitely a large but then where the heck are you gonna buy a 10 bucks jacket these days? so nvm that.
so with those aside, really anything is fine. i just don't want bath related product or food related, or kitchen related things, and no junks please. (: definitely prefer piyo things. giftcard would be nice too. but yeah. thanks santa.
A PHONE WOULD BE SUPER NICE TOO! but you know that's kinda impossible, nor is a driver's license . so yeah, thanks! (:
eveɴтѕ - ℓα ∂συℓєυя
Events tends to be tiring at times, but then it's the joy in the process of mkaing it happening that makes it enjoyable and fun to bare with. Many times I tend to ask myself, why am I putting so much effort into things that maybe we should all be working towards, and then i realize the answer, because the joy and the happiness you get from seeing their face tends to be priceless. Even a simple smile or thank you really tends to make up for those troublesome moments. You may not understand what I am saying but you know happiness isn't to keep to one self but to share it among with everyone else.
Maybe that's what the Grinch's heart grew bigger and bigger as he saw the ray of happiness shining upon the city even though they were present-less. So did Grinch really stole Christmas? Or in a sense was he really the Santa that showed everyone what Christmas was all about? The one who united them all? Oh the irony.
Well as for now, here's the event as it goes on so far. The list is so ironically combined. I mean Ann and Jenny haha, that is like connect two of the same magnet, always repel against each other yet now their gifting each other gifts. Haha, hopefully through this it would make them closer together. And last secret Santa that we played during senior year Melissa's secret Santa was Jocelyn, and Melissa was my secret Santa. It's very funny how things turned out. Maybe that's life for you.
I don't know about you guys, but my favorite part of the whole season is seeing everyone's happy and joyful face and Christmas shopping. Perhaps shopping is in all girl's genes, but then i don't know why, when i shop for someone else i tend to be happier than shopping for myself, maybe its the excitement you get when you think of their face when they receive the present and all. Or maybe the season is just a bit overly jolly that you tend to not be able to wipe away that smile. But for whatever it is, it sure makes the whole year worth the wait.
Maybe that's what the Grinch's heart grew bigger and bigger as he saw the ray of happiness shining upon the city even though they were present-less. So did Grinch really stole Christmas? Or in a sense was he really the Santa that showed everyone what Christmas was all about? The one who united them all? Oh the irony.
Well as for now, here's the event as it goes on so far. The list is so ironically combined. I mean Ann and Jenny haha, that is like connect two of the same magnet, always repel against each other yet now their gifting each other gifts. Haha, hopefully through this it would make them closer together. And last secret Santa that we played during senior year Melissa's secret Santa was Jocelyn, and Melissa was my secret Santa. It's very funny how things turned out. Maybe that's life for you.
I don't know about you guys, but my favorite part of the whole season is seeing everyone's happy and joyful face and Christmas shopping. Perhaps shopping is in all girl's genes, but then i don't know why, when i shop for someone else i tend to be happier than shopping for myself, maybe its the excitement you get when you think of their face when they receive the present and all. Or maybe the season is just a bit overly jolly that you tend to not be able to wipe away that smile. But for whatever it is, it sure makes the whole year worth the wait.
The Secret Santa List:
Ann Yee - Jenny Lu
Jenny Lu - Ann Yee
Connie Lai - Jenny Chuang
Melissa Hua - Jocelyn Del Rio
Jenny Chuang - Melissa Hua
Jocelyn Del Rio - Connie Lai
I am pretty sure i didnt write this in my last blog, but then my parents removed my doorknob..why you ask? Because my parents are multi-house owner or landlord i guess? And they rent out their houses, and in one of their houses they needed a doorknob, and our of the whole house, our of all the doorknobs they could have taken, they decide to take mine. And I am the one who uses my doorknob the most. Isnt this ironically? I mean yeah i would totally understand if i never use my doorknob and all, but no, none of my parents use their door knob yet i am the one who they take away from. Sigh. That's life for you. Well until next time.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
ριℓσт - lα doυleυr
Already at the edge of this autumn season, yet leaves struggle to apart from their branch. The sun is still yet shining so bright despite how the weather is. Coldness tends to cover up the whole land with the sun being stubborn as always, fighting it's way to shine its ray to the maximum. Making others feel its warmth and shine. With the passing of the long weekend, it seemed as if it was already the end of summer break once again. Going to school was no longer mandatory College, the first step into the real society following turning 18. Although, it's quite the opposite for me considering my birthday was two weekends ago. Did I feel any older you may ask. The answer is no. Who ever told you that turning a year older will make you wiser lied. If you yourself isn't ready for the change, no matter how old you are, inside, you are still the same age.
Putting that aside, with autumn coming to and end, thanksgiving following its footsteps catching up with us, I begin to start thinking. What am I thankful for this year? What am I thankful for in life? What am I thankful for all this 18 years?
I guess the biggest thank may be going to my current parents, baring with me all these 10, 11 years? Felt like I have been with them practically all my life. The truth is they really didn't have to take care of me at all. I am what they called a bastard child. A unwanted child, a child that came from an accident, a child that wasn't needed, a surprise. My current mother didnt have to take care of me, nor worry about me, or lecture me about things, after all I wasn't her child, and quite opposite, I would probably be the last kid she'd ever want to raise. Yet she took me in, adopted me, and make me an official family members of theirs. I know even though there is a huge treatment difference between her kids and grand kids she still treat me extremely nice for someone like that. And trust me, I am thankful for that. In fact I am really thankful for that. Not a lot of people can do things like that. But sometimes hanging around with my friends too much tends to influence me a lot and make me realize how much of a actual family feeling I am lacking. After my elementary years are over, my parents begin to separate and do things their way. No one each with each other anymore. No group cooking and chatting on the table while munching down food. Instead everyone is all for themselves. Sometimes it make me think a lot. Especially when i go to my friend's house. I begin to get jealous, not over their wealth, or how much things they own or how spoiled they are, but how wonderful of a family they have to care for each other and eat together and enjoy every moment of it.
I always wanted to do that. It always seemed so fun being able to do that. It use to be fun while we still do it. I guess you really do take things for granted until you lose it. Am I really asking too much though? Even though I know my mom isnt my real mom, but is asking her to trust me a bit too much? Do i really need to give in first for her to trust me? I mean first thing first, how am I suppose to give in when she herself doesn't even trust me in the first place? She said until i get a license, she will not allow me to drive. All my friends told me that the biggest part of their driving experience wasn't from the instructor, but the individual learning they got when their driving with their parents. And for me its quite the opposite. They rather pay for an additional 4 class and expect me to know how to drive and pass the test. Well, am I asking too much to wish for them to trust me more to a point where they'd let me drive and practice?
Each time when I complain things similar to this, when i relate my friends' families to mine, my parents would always bring up something unrelated to the topic we're on and tell me to think about this and that. Okay I get it, those were my fault, but we are talking about this topic, would you explain why you don't trust me on driving? How trusting someone with driving have anything to do with doing chores automatically? Would someone tell me how asking "do you need help?" is not a kind of offering to help? And can someone please tell me how "can i help you?" is a kind of offer unlike "do you need help?". Its quite ironic, because i do use both set of questions, but when i claim that their both the same she would tell me. "Why will you bother to even ask me? Instead you should have just clean it or do the chores straight away." Well geez, is a confirmation too much for you? Is asking for a confirmation rude in our Chinese culture? For the record, I am pretty sure it isn't And for your information mother, normally even my nephew, they wouldn't offer help often, and when they do, to you, THEY ARE THE POLITEST PEOPLE EVER, when the truth is, THEY SAY THE EXACT SAME THING AS ME! Well gee, how does that even make sense mother? Would someone please explain this logic to me? And also, please explain how all these questioning and not doing chores automatically without being asked to do them have anything to do with losing trust in a person and driving. Someone please enlighten me on this. Because apparently I am only thinking of excuses to make, and is too busy to realize my mistake in this. Well?
Putting that aside, with autumn coming to and end, thanksgiving following its footsteps catching up with us, I begin to start thinking. What am I thankful for this year? What am I thankful for in life? What am I thankful for all this 18 years?
I guess the biggest thank may be going to my current parents, baring with me all these 10, 11 years? Felt like I have been with them practically all my life. The truth is they really didn't have to take care of me at all. I am what they called a bastard child. A unwanted child, a child that came from an accident, a child that wasn't needed, a surprise. My current mother didnt have to take care of me, nor worry about me, or lecture me about things, after all I wasn't her child, and quite opposite, I would probably be the last kid she'd ever want to raise. Yet she took me in, adopted me, and make me an official family members of theirs. I know even though there is a huge treatment difference between her kids and grand kids she still treat me extremely nice for someone like that. And trust me, I am thankful for that. In fact I am really thankful for that. Not a lot of people can do things like that. But sometimes hanging around with my friends too much tends to influence me a lot and make me realize how much of a actual family feeling I am lacking. After my elementary years are over, my parents begin to separate and do things their way. No one each with each other anymore. No group cooking and chatting on the table while munching down food. Instead everyone is all for themselves. Sometimes it make me think a lot. Especially when i go to my friend's house. I begin to get jealous, not over their wealth, or how much things they own or how spoiled they are, but how wonderful of a family they have to care for each other and eat together and enjoy every moment of it.
I always wanted to do that. It always seemed so fun being able to do that. It use to be fun while we still do it. I guess you really do take things for granted until you lose it. Am I really asking too much though? Even though I know my mom isnt my real mom, but is asking her to trust me a bit too much? Do i really need to give in first for her to trust me? I mean first thing first, how am I suppose to give in when she herself doesn't even trust me in the first place? She said until i get a license, she will not allow me to drive. All my friends told me that the biggest part of their driving experience wasn't from the instructor, but the individual learning they got when their driving with their parents. And for me its quite the opposite. They rather pay for an additional 4 class and expect me to know how to drive and pass the test. Well, am I asking too much to wish for them to trust me more to a point where they'd let me drive and practice?
Each time when I complain things similar to this, when i relate my friends' families to mine, my parents would always bring up something unrelated to the topic we're on and tell me to think about this and that. Okay I get it, those were my fault, but we are talking about this topic, would you explain why you don't trust me on driving? How trusting someone with driving have anything to do with doing chores automatically? Would someone tell me how asking "do you need help?" is not a kind of offering to help? And can someone please tell me how "can i help you?" is a kind of offer unlike "do you need help?". Its quite ironic, because i do use both set of questions, but when i claim that their both the same she would tell me. "Why will you bother to even ask me? Instead you should have just clean it or do the chores straight away." Well geez, is a confirmation too much for you? Is asking for a confirmation rude in our Chinese culture? For the record, I am pretty sure it isn't And for your information mother, normally even my nephew, they wouldn't offer help often, and when they do, to you, THEY ARE THE POLITEST PEOPLE EVER, when the truth is, THEY SAY THE EXACT SAME THING AS ME! Well gee, how does that even make sense mother? Would someone please explain this logic to me? And also, please explain how all these questioning and not doing chores automatically without being asked to do them have anything to do with losing trust in a person and driving. Someone please enlighten me on this. Because apparently I am only thinking of excuses to make, and is too busy to realize my mistake in this. Well?
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