Micro-arguments - Patience

Ever since getting back after break up, I been nothing but forgiving, if not more patient. But instead I get nothing back, I feel like I give more than I get. Sometimes I don’t know if this is worth my time or not, sometimes I feel like I don’t even know anymore, and it is especially time like this.

Everytime when I get mad at him, I calm myself down, I think about what I committed and I take a deep breath. Honestly I have been way more patient than I ever had been in my whole life with him because he means a lot to me for me to get in small argument about with. And today, just now, we got into an argument simply because I was typing on my computer and I couldn’t tell him what I was typing. I was still talking to him via skype, and typing a journal entry about Valentines day, and obviously im not gonna tell him oh I am writing about how I don’t know what gift to get guys because my ex loved hello kitty and he doesn’t, because that’d just pretty much tell him about this upcoming Valentines day and me not having a gift ready for him. And so I told him that I was doing nothing. So much typing so little words, I guess he got suspicious or curious and frustrated because I was semi lying, so he faced the side at first, I stopped all the things I was doing and I was like “Bae, bae” but of course, he didn’t respond, so I continued my typing of the entry. Only little did I know it lead to him closing his webcam, and follow by a hangup. This got me mad, because what gives him the damn right to hang up on me and be mad when I try to talk to him and he just refuse to talk.

If he wants to get mad then fine, but honestly when he is the one in the beginning of this new relationship telling me that he want me to stop getting mad at the little stuff, I had higher expectations for him when it comes to anger management. And not hanging up just because of the small things I do was just one of them. I was expecting something better from him since he was the one setting it up. There were countless times where he have done things that ticked me off or got me mad because of the way he did it, how thoughtless he was, or just how unboyfriend like it was. I was hurt many times, my feelings got in the way of things many times. He lied to me many times and there were plenty of where that came from, and he can’t even oversee this one just got me really mad, like really, because I am honestly not ready for another break up, but I am not up for another argumenet like this. I signed up for some peace, I signed up for having less argument if not non because I cared for him that much, and sometimes I just feel a little one sided when he refuses to see it that way. I know when I got into the relationship that he said he didn’t love me, that he only cared for me, that things wouldn’t turn out the way I wanted it to be, and I accepted that. I guess I just have too high of an expectation out of this relationship. There are times where i wish my feelings would stop, that I would stop being so emotional about things like this and let it go, and pretend like I don’t care, like I am fine but I am not.

If I am able to give in my anger, and give up on being mad, and reason things out and be more patient, what gives him right to get mad at me and hang up when I don’t even do them anymore. It makes no sense to me. Maybe I am just thinking this too much, I should stop.

Sigh. This is what I signed up for, this is what I know what I was getting into, and I should be okay with this regardless.

That’s it for tonight. Good night everyone. I will updated on the Valentines day post later this week or tomorrow depending on when I can write it without feeling what I am feeling right now. 

Colorless Worlds

      It's really been a while since I have written an blog huh? College life seems to be catching up to my social life, or maybe the other way around, and blogging is just another thing that's on the back of my head. A lot of things happened throughout all these times; even though I didn't post a blog, it doesn't mean my life goes happily ever after. Sadly, it may be the other way around.
      I dont know where the bad day should start, or even how. Maybe we should start from before Knotts'. Knotts was suppose to be a trip that we all planned to go, and sadly, with everyone's complication, it just made it hard. It first started out with Friend A's break up with her "boyfriend" which leaves her boyfriend unable to go. Then after, Friend B had an super early curfew of 6, which thus leaving the fun out of the amusement park, since come on, who wants to leave that early if they were to pay $40 something to go to a place. Friend C then bailed out because she appearntly decided to make plans after everything's planned out. And ultimately Friend D calls in sick at the day of the trip. Ultimately leaving me having to cancel all of the activities that day.
      Prior to that day, my college buddies and I hung around this girls' house till 2 playing monopoly deal. Haha we are such geeks. BBQ at her house celebrating Cesar Chaves' day even though we don't even know who that person is. Suprisingly, my mom was still awake at 2 am and caught me home late, and was mad as ever, I mean what can an Asian family's daughter be doing at 2 am with her college friends? Answers normally can be simple and just be reponded with few words, but how are you suppose to say, mom we play monopoly deals the whole night till we are tired of it and went home. Like who in the world is going to buy that?
      By now, you may be bored or tired of this article already, yet kind of felt obligated to read the rest since you have came so far. Well, I am telling you, its not worth your time...so with that in mind, if you have something better to do at this time, feel free to do so.
      Well as I move on back to the point of my story, I was willing to risk my groundingness to hang with my friends at amusement park than to make excuses and cancel, which appearnatly none of my other friends can do. Jenny then was a bit upset, so we planned a hangout at the mall a little after the morning cancellation, but little do I know our wifi router broke down, leaving me connectionless since everything from home phone to computer is "internet-needed". I dont have a cell phone, parents are not home, how in the world am i suppose to contact anyone like that? Appearantly right after Jenny and I planned, Danny and I got in a fight because I inserted Jenny's hangout as a priority, which was then cancelled, and thus pissing me off more. Leaving me with nothingness, I ended up going home after staying in my car for three hour, roaming in my seat aimlessly.
      I began to view the world differently. I begun to see it a little gray, a little black and white. What happened to all the colors, I would ask myself. What happened to all those times where I held my beliefs.

Gone.
Gone.
All gone.

Maybe that's what long term trust gets you,
fucking no where.

The apology before storm

"Sweetie I am berry berry sorry for not texting you to tell you that I am berry berry much "

"Here I am sitting in the car rewriting a apology, feeling like just got yelled by my English teacher. I am berry berry sorry for no texting you. Next time I will text you if you can't wake up in the morning. I am also sorry for being a bad alarm clock, I'll do better next time. I love you, MUAH MUAH "

There's always the calm, the calm before the storm. The calm before anything would arrive. It's the calmness that causes the hecticness to appear in unnecessary places. It's the calm before the storm.

My Mother's Life, an inspirational yet touching true story of her life. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      The pain, the suffer, the sacrifice. This article is going to be special, this article is written dedicated for my mother, whom I knew would never read this, but still she's a true hero. With all due respect, please do not take this article without permission, and if use any, please credit my mom at least for it.
      My mother started off her childhood not easy, having 4 siblings, she was in the middle. Out of all her silbings, she was the one who was the least spoiled, she was the one who faced most of the harshest things that anyone could have faced in the society of poor. She, is a really unique girl who deserves more than she have right now, she deserves a better man than my father.
      Her mother to start off would always spoil the others when they ask her for money. Unlike her other silbings, asking her mother for money, she went off joining the malitary in Taiwan and became a nurse after with all the money that was gained through everything she would give most of them to her mother, leaving her self with barely enough to live. The greedy sisters would still continueiously seek her mother for money, and secretly the mother, weak as she was already, would give it to them when the whole purpose of those money was for her so that she would be able to live a good life.
      In her mid-age, she met my dad, which then I dont know how, never asked, it would be too awkward to ask anyways. Maybe Ill ask my dad later on in life, but not now. Meeting my dad in the medical field while around malitary wasn't really a good idea. And definately marrying him wasnt a good idea either.
      As my mother pursues her nursing later on in the United States, she knew little than enough to keep her alive. Yet somehow manages to survive. She was defaintely a great role model. She entered the United States, with a little cash, a little knowledge of its foreign language, and no one to take her around, she was literally lost, didn't know where to go. And back then, Asians migrating wasn't even a big thing. Barely any Asian were at California then.
      When her career was finally stable enough, she moved her three children to the United States for better education with the citizenship she gained. Another wrong decision she made by settling in the US and leaving her husband back in Taiwan to work, intrusting him in the relationship and the family. It wasn't long before he began to flirt, and soon enough cheat on her. Who knew how long this have been going on, but then it was one of those times where protection wasn't enough and an accident happened. And that's where I came into the story. Yup, you would think the whole time, the mother I talked about is my biological mother? Wrong. It was my adoptive mother who learn to love and forgive in a sense and allow me into her life.
      It was on one of those typical days where one of her friend needed someone to look after her grandmother and asked my mom to help out. That's where the surprise visit came in. It was because of my mother's surprise visit back to Taiwan made her saw what happened. That's where I came in to the story for real in life form. That was the time when I was about to come out of the womb and mother had no one to call but my dad,and sadly, she was there as well when it took place. And according to her, she was the first one to held me in her arms, all along, thinking that it was my mom who held me, thinking that she was the bigger person in the picture. In fact it was actually mother herself. After everything was settled, when everything have calmed itself, one person that wasn't calm was mother. She didn't know what to do. That was the downest part of her life. No the struggle she had coming to the US, not the fear of not knowing anyone and having to survive in a foregin country, but facing her husband cheating on her and having a bastard child. It was then, thanks to Buddhism that calmed her down completely, if it wasn't for them, mother wouldn't have made it until today.
      He never comforted her, he never really sincerely apologized either. And that left a huge mark on her. I mean if I was the one, I would have left everything and just return back to US with a divorcement and start new. But mother did, she stayed and settled, trying to forget and forgive. Though there's always this mark of scar on her, but then she hid it well, all these 18 years, I wonder how she survived. The more I learned about the truth, the more guilt I felt. I was the stone in their relationship, if my existent wasn't present, then this family may have a chance to live happier than ever, but then again, that would mean my dad may continuously cheat. Oh well, maybe this was all fate in a sense.
      Now today, why did I out of no where wrote this article? My parents once again broke into a huge fight with my dad starting everything with greed. He cared about himself more than others, and money obviously more than his wife.  I really do feel bad for my mom, it was at that time I wish I had a job already, and a place of my own, a place where mother can come and escape all these miserable hell. But then again, I am just a 18 years old with all the "irresponsible" marks on my head, what can I possibly do? I feel like punching my dad hard, hoping that he would get some sense in his system. I wished for powers to change my dad's mindset, and become a good husband, but then again, those are just wishes not things that can be done easily.
      At this point in life, I began to feel thankful, not just because I have a life already given at the palm of my hand, but a good life, a life many like my mother would be jealous of. A life where guys that are really truely after me, and the ones that I have been with are all good and not bad influences. That I have extreme luck, though there are down hill many time, but the uphill is really rewoarding. Thank you for everything you have done mother, you are truely a hero in my heart, the only thing i regret is not being able to be your friend and be there to talk with you about these and make you feel better. Making work the only escape place, the only paradise to escape from troubles. I am sorry.