Good bye, "Present"

So finally I am single again, offically. From all those time I post sad posts, to those time I post about stupid things he doesn't understand me doing, now I guess this will be the last post about him. Goodbye "present", you're now offically part of my past.
I guess I will wrap some memories I have of him in this blog post, and seal it from there, no more talks of him as present, no more talks about him as my current. He would be my history, something I once had, once smiled about, and will slowly fade away.
I remember every time he suggested break up, we would end up not breaking up. Not because he never meant it, but because everytime he tries to break up with me, I would end up sobbing to him, lowering my dignity to him, begging him to not leave this relationship. Why? I guess I just never really got used to being alone, and considering being with him for two years into the relationship, its just the fact that you already know so much about each other and the level of understanding is crazy to a point you don't know how you're going to start it again with someone new and achieve that kind of level. I guess he was just part of my comfort zone, something I didn't like losing.
And with the idealology my parents taught me behind, I always look at quantity over quality, like money over love? Since he was this person who is willing to go on any extend to buy me the stuff I want, I guess it just lay me a bonus of not wanting to leave me. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, but then its just his lack of understanding and trying to relate to me frustrates me sometimes (or probably all the time). I never understood him, I don't get why he would often get mad at me when I should be the one getting mad at him. He does things that a boyfriend shouldn't do to their girlfriend, yet when I point it out, he would just give me this look like I take him for granted. I don't, I really don't.
The tiring thing about the relationship I had with him is his expectation. I remember in the very beginning of the relationship, I would always be the one calling him, the one texting him, and when he doesn't reply I would be like hello? Why aren't you replying. And of course, he got annoyed by that very quickly, but then I bothered on, because that's what girlfriends and boyfriends are suppose to do. Then of course, there reached the comfort zone, where you two don't really mind anymore. And once you pass the comfort zone, it's just argument after argument I guess. He started complaining that I don't pay attention to him enough, that I don't call him anymore nor do I text him, but to be honest, it is tiring always being the one to text first, being the one who always calls first. I don't ever remember him calling me because he misses me, I don't remember him ever texted me because he wants to see me, it's always me doing it, and I felt as if I was taken for granted. And of course it's only when you lose someone that you realize how important they were in your life.
You know what kind of bullshit he texted me when he broke up with me?
"For reals over things like this. I was really going to sit down with you tomr and talk about this relationship and how we can maintain it better, but I guess that's fucking pointless now. I don't mind putting more effort into pleasing you but you have no right to get at me when I chose no to considered that amount of efor you put into it for past six month. I don't care whatever the reason it might be to cause you becoming differently in this relationship but I have been waiting for you patiently and now you wanna be an asshole about it then so be it. We are over now, and from this moment on every time you look back at this you will see nothing but regrets. For all the troubles I went though for you. I have no one to blame but myself. I guess at the end I can't really say I hate you, since you did help me grow as a person, so thank you."
So much fake bullshit here that I don't even give a fuck about anymore, if he is this much of a jerk to even put that I will be the one who have nothing but regrets? Who the fuck do you think you are? I will live my life to the fullest with or without you.

Truth be told though, I cried by myself for a while, and I even cried to my friend who I am not even super close to emotionally/mentally. I felt like my world breaking apart at one point, then I don't know why, the following few days, the only person that pops up in my head was Past. He concurred my whole thought process, and I don't know why out of any of the other time I decided to think about him then and there, especially after a break up.
I knew we weren't going to last, I knew that one day we were bound to break up, it was just the matter of time, but then I guess my brain was just never registered to the fact.
It truly gets frustrating when  he pops up when I am the one who hurted him so much. He finally have moved on to someone else, and it would really be messed up of me to try to even attempt to bring him back into my life again and have his heart broken four times . He was my real first love, my longest love, the love I hide away the most, the one I truly inputted effort into. I guess it makes sense for me to think about him. If there was anyone that I was regret towards, he would be the first one, not "present". In fact, he is no where near the first I would feel regret towards. I treated him better than a lot of people would, and I actually let him pressured me. I mean seriously.
In the beginning of the relationship, he threatened me that if I don't have sex with him before our first year anniversary, he would leave me, because it juts proves that I don't love him. How fucked up is that?
It's like, shit, my bad. He said that a year is the longest he would wait and that I was lucky because most guys would just leave me already if I don't have sex with them then and there. I wasn't mentally ready, nor was  I physically ready. I mean he tries to relate to me, saying that he is a virgin too, and that if he is willing to give it to me, I should be willing to give it to him. What the hell? And then he says that he done all those other things for me, and all he asks of me was sex, how hard is that. Look at me, do I look like some kind of prostitute to you? Holy shit. Thinking about all the things he said to me just made me feel less and less regret towards him leaving. I remember when he first tries to take off my pants, and I was like, "no", and he just kept doing it, saying "come on," It had to get me to cry for him to stop, what the hell. After all these he expects me to do more and more, even tried to force me to blow him. And when I say no, his response is, "come on, everytime when you ask me to do something, I always do it, and all I ask is this one thing." And I am just like, "I ask you to visit me, to call me, to read to me sometimes, but I don't ask for things that can even be compared to those, and furthermore, you don't just ask for that, you ask for sex too." And his response was, "That's the same thing, and if not I did more effort, all I ask is two things even so. Come on"

I am not even going to continue this story, let's just end it here. Good bye "present".

The shit I went through this hierarchy

Warning: by reading the following blog you are agreeing to not use any of the information of the blog against the author of this blog, nor any other reasons. The things below are only for entertainment and reading purposes.
I go to this school where the leaderships are messed up, the hard workers usually become the sloppy workers, and the people who deserves to earn the most are not the ones who actually do. I am in many committees in a club, and I have experiences in many different ways others don't, yet I am not the one who is selected for the leadership. Which in my opinion is pretty sad. To be honest, I hate the people on top, because to get on their good side, you need to kiss up to their asses, and do whatever they want you to do, no questions asked.
Last semester, I applied to be the leader of this one committee, and yes, I lost to someone who isn't even that highly participated in the committee. Only reason she was selected was because she was part of the main board member or the main cord of the club, and the voters were the board members. So of course, out of me, this other girl, and her, it would be her. And to make situations worst, during my interview, no one came besides the ex-leader, and the one who does the least in the board. Which makes the whole interview unfair, because no one seems to know anything during my interview.
I mean, yes I guess I somehow got over that a while later, a long while later. That is when I decided to aim for my second leadership skills interview. Which was the managers underneath the leader of the committee, they pretty much do most of the work for the leader, which leaves the leader doing nothing but still getting all the credits. Anyways, I applied to two positions, and I guess there was another one for me to fall back on in addition, so that makes it three, but sadly, I didn't get into any. The only reason I was liable I guess was because I was late to two of the meet up with the leader, well not late, but one I texted her saying I will be five minute late, and the other one was I cancelled one of the morning shift with the leader, and she was like, that is not a good enough excuse to do it but she will let be slide, but shes disappointed in me and stuff. I mean Shit. I have 20 units in my hand, why can't you just allow me to have a little moment. Others don't even work as hard as I do, heck some talks, uses their phone and shit.
Two days ago the third incident happened in which I was the only one in my shift that appeared, apparently the other girls signed in, went to the galloway, and cleaned up the booth and just sat by the stair cases for a whole two hours while I was sitting in the cold working my ass off. Shit, are they fucking dumb as hell or what is their problem? Freaking ass idiots. According to them, they asked May if they can clean up the booth, and she said yes, but after that go help out with the PCC Quad. And those two girls just took it as "leave and then come back later and help the PCC Quad". Like fuck, their Asians too, why can't they get it right. It's been the same for two month shifts now, and that one day they just think that it works like that? Holy fuck. I ended up cleaning up most of the things early because the campus police was just right there and if i clean up later on I was worried I won't be able to take it down. Then after we took the things up thats when the two girls reapperared again. Like holy crap. Yeah just come in later and take credit of the work. So I left an half an hour early because I got pissed off at the situation. I got pissed off at the two girls just sitting there like nothing happened, and I am even more angry and the night I guess. And when my present came all the way here for me, I just really want to leave and go home I guess.
And just now, the leader texted me saying that she wants to talk to me. By the looks of it its something bad, probably I am in trouble now for leaving early that day because I got pissed off. Or maybe because when one of the manager asked me where was I, and why did I leave early I said the leader said I could leave early. But either way, I will either get kicked out of the committee now, or something like that. Oh well who the hell cares anymore. I don't need this committee, nor do I need to try to be helping in the committee if they're going to kick me off just like that. They will be the ones losing someone as great as me in their team. Moreover, if they think they can get rid of me that easily they're wrong. If she attempts to kick me out, watch, I will go to the main club adviser, i will go to to the committee adviser, and further more, I will have a petition signed and presented to the board. You cannot kick a member off the team because of no warning, no regards, nor can you just fire and yell at them like that.