betrayal ; la dauleur

Honesty. Just exactly how much does it worth? And who exactly have the love for them? Sometimes, I felt like the stupid ones to fall for them, sometimes I felt like my trust is ripped apart each time when a lie is set out. Just exactly how many lies am I going to take until my heart and brain both explodes?

" Just exactly how much do you value our trust and relationship? Just exactly how much do you wish to be trusted? You experienced deceiving and lost, but does that mean you have to lay its egg on the others? Friendly lie is one thing but lying to get away with something else is another. Just exactly where did you go on May 25^th when you said you were having lunch with your auntie and your mom? Great lie about going out to lunch with them huh, as great of a lie as going to car wash on May 31^st. People who lies are great, I mean as long as others don’t find out, hey, you know, live another day, why not lie about it? But when the truth hits the ground hard a few moments after the lie is out, who would be the one left behind doing the clean up exactly? Upset yes, but argument is something I don’t want.

Anniversary? Yeah its been a year Danny, we been through a lot of ups and downs, and yes we been through the lowest points many times in life and recovered from it. That will hopefully be the downiest/lowest point of your life in the relationship as well, a point where we will hopefully never return.

I don’t want us to fight over useless things that will eventually lead to breakage. I had too much of that already, I know where arguments lead to, especially this one. I understand you had your view in things, but rather lie than tell the truth, just exactly how much do I worth? Over planning a plan on top of our plan because our plan is too common while other people’s plans are rare because you don’t see them often? Please, I cancelled my plans with rare friends to hang with you no matter how often we see each other.  No matter what your reason is Danny, I want you to take your time to think about it. Was it worth a lie to me?

First time, you know, I go like hey its fine, I trust him. This will probably be the last lie. And then what happens? Bam! The second lie hits. Makes me wonder, just exactly how many lies do you have behind my back that I don’t know about? And just exactly how many of them are truthful. Hey, I know I am not suppose to doubt you, but just like the boy who cry wolf, eventually if lies keeps happening people will go from trust completely, to questioning and doubts and soon, don’t even believe a thing you say.

I want to use this anniversary to clear all of our records, to start a fresh page, because after all its been a year of us together. I don’t want us to look back just to find more reason for our supporting arguments, I want us to start new and look back because we miss some part of our lives. And of course, be together as long as possible.

At first, it hurts to see you lie while I know the truth myself. You know those post on facebook, those moments you see how stupid the other person is, trying to lie to your face, when you yourself knows the truth better than the person who’s telling the lie? Danny, I was at the point where I would scream and run out in the street screaming, but I held it in. It hurted at first, but eventually I gave it a few days, I thought of all the things you did that made me smile and slowly, the box of flame just melts away by days. Of course, within a week another one struck, harder than ever, my hatred grew, my cold sweat kicked in, and my trust for you just tumbled off the balanced board. I told myself I could trust you, I told myself that this once again would be your last time. Same day, of course, you promised that you will try your best not to plan things ontop of our plan, but hopefully with that said, you would also be truthful and honest  for not just me, but us. I want a boyfriend I am proud to say that I can entrust anything, not a boyfriend whom even lies about his whereabouts.

This few months, I have tried to be more forgiving, understanding, appreciative and more temper control to those who are close to me, I know there are still things that I am unwilling to do, but hey, I am beginning to accept some things that you want, I really wish you would respect things that I don’t want to do as much as I respect you and the things you don’t want to do. I know maybe sometimes I am stubborn, but before saying anything, think about the tone you said certain things with, if I am stubborn even when you’re talking to me in a non-grumpy tone, then scold me, soon my little conscientious will kick in and slap me. I am sensitive, and I cry a lot, it may seem like I am using it as advantage, but I don’t show tears to those who are close to me, and if you were to ask any of my friends, the only ones who really saw my tears and the amount of times they saw it, man you would be surprised that they’re meeting the same Jenny. I guess I just react more to people who are close to me, like you. So sometimes just hug and/or pat would do the trick, but I am trying to lessen my tears; but it will take sometimes."

just sometimes, i wish that things in my mind could all just come into words and explode on him. just sometimes

Expectations ; la douleur

It's one of those sometimes that make you realize, throught influences you would expect so much more from a person. From driving all the way there to visit you to valentine chocolate anydays, but regardless, everyone compares their own relationship to another. It could be fictional, or it could be nonfiction. But whatever it is, it makes us wonder not just about the society, but ourselves as well. You can live on your life denying the fact that somebody else influenced you to become the way you are, but you know and cannot deny that somewhere deep within you, you have the desire to achieve forward, into what you think is a better and more valuable relationship where you're being rather than "whatever"ed, you're being treasured. 

There are few friends I see in the relationship that had this great guy in their lives who would just do anything for them. From waiting after every so often to the Kim Possible motto, "call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me". Sometimes I feel like my relationship doesn't achieve in such a great way in compare to those, sometimes I felt like it couldn't even compare to the last one I am in, and the last one I am in, we barely did anything. And maybe that's is the problem itself. Because the last relationship lasted shorter and infact we didn't even get to know each other well to a point to get into an argument. The only thing I remember from tearing are the facts that he sometimes doesn't understand me, but then that's all that there is. And to be honest, I loved him too much. 

From experiences, "too much expectations, too much pain". So pretty much expectation is a part of pain. You expect too much, and then they don't meet up to your expectation, BAM, a scar right in the center of your heart. 

I sometimes tend to wonder about how life is without a boyfriend, or actually being single to date, yes it may sound like the stupidest thing to think about, but to the ones who are in troubled relationship, it's the best thing to think about as of now. We all been through a lot in our lives, but one thing that no matter how much we been through we don't learn from is comparing other people's lives to yours. I mean even from the beginning, comparing lives of others to yours isn't even comparable in the first place. Other people is other people, and you are you. There's always pro and cons to life. Sometimes don't you ever think, "oh thank god that wasn't me." Or like, "thank god that's not my parents." Or even, "thank god I don't live in the same situation." Because the truth is, you know your life is better, at point to point if you're to compare with everyone. There's gotta be fruits one some part of the tree that are sweet. You just need to stop and look around.  

Colorless Worlds

      It's really been a while since I have written an blog huh? College life seems to be catching up to my social life, or maybe the other way around, and blogging is just another thing that's on the back of my head. A lot of things happened throughout all these times; even though I didn't post a blog, it doesn't mean my life goes happily ever after. Sadly, it may be the other way around.
      I dont know where the bad day should start, or even how. Maybe we should start from before Knotts'. Knotts was suppose to be a trip that we all planned to go, and sadly, with everyone's complication, it just made it hard. It first started out with Friend A's break up with her "boyfriend" which leaves her boyfriend unable to go. Then after, Friend B had an super early curfew of 6, which thus leaving the fun out of the amusement park, since come on, who wants to leave that early if they were to pay $40 something to go to a place. Friend C then bailed out because she appearntly decided to make plans after everything's planned out. And ultimately Friend D calls in sick at the day of the trip. Ultimately leaving me having to cancel all of the activities that day.
      Prior to that day, my college buddies and I hung around this girls' house till 2 playing monopoly deal. Haha we are such geeks. BBQ at her house celebrating Cesar Chaves' day even though we don't even know who that person is. Suprisingly, my mom was still awake at 2 am and caught me home late, and was mad as ever, I mean what can an Asian family's daughter be doing at 2 am with her college friends? Answers normally can be simple and just be reponded with few words, but how are you suppose to say, mom we play monopoly deals the whole night till we are tired of it and went home. Like who in the world is going to buy that?
      By now, you may be bored or tired of this article already, yet kind of felt obligated to read the rest since you have came so far. Well, I am telling you, its not worth your time...so with that in mind, if you have something better to do at this time, feel free to do so.
      Well as I move on back to the point of my story, I was willing to risk my groundingness to hang with my friends at amusement park than to make excuses and cancel, which appearnatly none of my other friends can do. Jenny then was a bit upset, so we planned a hangout at the mall a little after the morning cancellation, but little do I know our wifi router broke down, leaving me connectionless since everything from home phone to computer is "internet-needed". I dont have a cell phone, parents are not home, how in the world am i suppose to contact anyone like that? Appearantly right after Jenny and I planned, Danny and I got in a fight because I inserted Jenny's hangout as a priority, which was then cancelled, and thus pissing me off more. Leaving me with nothingness, I ended up going home after staying in my car for three hour, roaming in my seat aimlessly.
      I began to view the world differently. I begun to see it a little gray, a little black and white. What happened to all the colors, I would ask myself. What happened to all those times where I held my beliefs.

Gone.
Gone.
All gone.

Maybe that's what long term trust gets you,
fucking no where.

shine ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя (happiness)

      This isn't a talk about depression, nor a talk of complain, but instead happiness that shines bright within me right now. Shines away all the darkness. Today, hanging out with old friends from high school shown my true happiness. Though meeting so many people in college, not one person can replace or fit in a place where these two idiots of mine that always makes me smile and tries their best cheering me up at times. I dont know what I would do without them. So this article is especially written for them. Though they will probably never find this blog, or ever read it, I feel like its my obligation to write it down here as my feelings you know.
      Hanging out all the time sure makes the friendship stronger than before, but then hanging out once every rare occasion makes everything special. I finally realize it isnt the amount of times you hang with someone but your feeling towards them. A little of double meaning there, but then of course only I would get it, because afterall, its relating to something i been hiding deep within myself. Something I probably will never reveal to anyone in the world.
      One terrible thing that happened today though it while driving and turning at this intersection, since i was running a bit late I didn't slow down at a turn, and there was a dip right there. By driving 30 miles per hour it really isnt something safe to talk about. But anyhow, there was this huge bomb noise, super loud, and I was scared, literally, and i think everyone else was too. After that I kept hearing scratching noise, loud ones. I was scared of the fact that it might be coming out from the car, scaring of the fact that my bumper was the one that fell. As i parked on the side of the road, I realize it was something that was plastic that was under the car, behind the bumper (thank god it wasn't the bumper, or else my parents would kill me and murder me.) but anyways I panicked because the truth is I cant really drive anywhere with a plastic protector of the bottom of the car, half lingering and half still up and fine you know. Nor did I have the tool to untwist the thing that held those two halves together.
      I knew I couldn't drive all the way to school like that, because its 30 minutes away. So I decided to run into the private school near the street, but to realize I have no idea where the entrance was. It was then I saw this one latino man walking down the sidewalk. Chance! I thought to myself as I yelled towards his direction. "Hi, uhm can I borrow your phone?" He seemed a bit stranged out and confused, I mean if it was me I would too. And plus stranger danger even though I am the younger one here. As I pointed to my car, he then broke through the awkward zone and came offering his help, and ripped the half of the protector off and explained how it wouldn't cause a problem because that was only used as a protector.
      It was then, i begun to drive more cautiously than usual that day, but at the same time felt lucky and thankful towards life. I mean how lucky am I to find someone who would actually offer help and come by an empty sidewalk. Today is a good day. Thank you lord, god, and budda, espeically mommy for blessing me on such a lovely thursday.
      All I can say is...as a conclusion, there is hope for human kind! (haha jk its a joke conclusion, just ignore this line haha)

Anger & Regrets ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      People holds secret in them. They can be hiding another side of them, they can be conflictingly arguing with others, and argue over money. And yes, that's all me right there. I just realize how evil I could be, conflicting and arguing with parents over the stupidest things, like money. By finding random text book for the subjects that cost the most and claim that I bought those books so that they can give me the money. Some classes I did buy the books, for the most time though, I purchase it cheap through amazon and many from others cheap enough so that I myself save money, and on the other hand saving my parents money. And then I begin to realize, why save them money when I can gain money for charging them for regular price of the book and buy cheap used one?
      Yes, it was an evil thought that came across that gain more and more greed, soon all kinds of evil thoughts began to hit me. Desperation for money indeed. But thinking about this, in my whole life, my parents practically gave me enough to eat throughout high school, and sometimes even didnt give me any money if i forget to ask. Thinking about this made me realize something, it was because the need of money since I never gain them that I begin to gain desire for them. How did I ever became like this? I asked myself quite many times.
      It was the society that influenced me. In this society, money is everything. Without money, you can pratically live a day. This society isn't as nice as it seems. If you're rich, you gain like pratically everything, but if your poor, well, that's just another story of your sad sad life.
      I seen in many dramas, anime, and stories where family would turn against each other for money, and even from my boyfriend, he said something I didnt believe at first. He said that when it comes to money, families no matter how loving they are, they will backstab each other for it. And i find it quite true in fact. Families do backstab each other at times. Especially this time, knowing that mother have heart condition so does father, I still ended up arguing and yelling at them unrespectfully. I know it was wrong of me to do such thing, but honestly, when you're mad, you do things without thinking, and bam! There you have it.
      It's like those things that your anger takes over, and you ended up couldnt control it. Then the after fall is the most painfullest. Afterfall is the ones that hits you the hardest, because after your anger is gone, you then realize what you said and how hurtful or mean it was, and how you could've made things better, but because of your inner rage you ended up deciding to do the wrong thing and result in things you wish you hadn't. And then if you were to apologize, man you're brave, because personally, i have too much self pride to do so, and I would just regret and felt the guilt in me.
      It is at those times where I close my eyes and apologize in my heart. And if my parents were to ever read my blog, before they kill me for all the past posts I have posted, I am here to apologize for all the bad behavoir and the things I said when I was angry, I probably didnt mean all of them, or so most of them, and I am so sorry for saying them.
      It was at those moments where I close my eyes and pray that I knew how the result would come out and  re plan everything. Aren't I a bad kid, knowing that my parents are old and have heart condition yet yell at them. It's like pushing them to their limits. In fact, I am pretty good at pushing people to their limits. Truthfully!