The shit I went through this hierarchy

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I go to this school where the leaderships are messed up, the hard workers usually become the sloppy workers, and the people who deserves to earn the most are not the ones who actually do. I am in many committees in a club, and I have experiences in many different ways others don't, yet I am not the one who is selected for the leadership. Which in my opinion is pretty sad. To be honest, I hate the people on top, because to get on their good side, you need to kiss up to their asses, and do whatever they want you to do, no questions asked.
Last semester, I applied to be the leader of this one committee, and yes, I lost to someone who isn't even that highly participated in the committee. Only reason she was selected was because she was part of the main board member or the main cord of the club, and the voters were the board members. So of course, out of me, this other girl, and her, it would be her. And to make situations worst, during my interview, no one came besides the ex-leader, and the one who does the least in the board. Which makes the whole interview unfair, because no one seems to know anything during my interview.
I mean, yes I guess I somehow got over that a while later, a long while later. That is when I decided to aim for my second leadership skills interview. Which was the managers underneath the leader of the committee, they pretty much do most of the work for the leader, which leaves the leader doing nothing but still getting all the credits. Anyways, I applied to two positions, and I guess there was another one for me to fall back on in addition, so that makes it three, but sadly, I didn't get into any. The only reason I was liable I guess was because I was late to two of the meet up with the leader, well not late, but one I texted her saying I will be five minute late, and the other one was I cancelled one of the morning shift with the leader, and she was like, that is not a good enough excuse to do it but she will let be slide, but shes disappointed in me and stuff. I mean Shit. I have 20 units in my hand, why can't you just allow me to have a little moment. Others don't even work as hard as I do, heck some talks, uses their phone and shit.
Two days ago the third incident happened in which I was the only one in my shift that appeared, apparently the other girls signed in, went to the galloway, and cleaned up the booth and just sat by the stair cases for a whole two hours while I was sitting in the cold working my ass off. Shit, are they fucking dumb as hell or what is their problem? Freaking ass idiots. According to them, they asked May if they can clean up the booth, and she said yes, but after that go help out with the PCC Quad. And those two girls just took it as "leave and then come back later and help the PCC Quad". Like fuck, their Asians too, why can't they get it right. It's been the same for two month shifts now, and that one day they just think that it works like that? Holy fuck. I ended up cleaning up most of the things early because the campus police was just right there and if i clean up later on I was worried I won't be able to take it down. Then after we took the things up thats when the two girls reapperared again. Like holy crap. Yeah just come in later and take credit of the work. So I left an half an hour early because I got pissed off at the situation. I got pissed off at the two girls just sitting there like nothing happened, and I am even more angry and the night I guess. And when my present came all the way here for me, I just really want to leave and go home I guess.
And just now, the leader texted me saying that she wants to talk to me. By the looks of it its something bad, probably I am in trouble now for leaving early that day because I got pissed off. Or maybe because when one of the manager asked me where was I, and why did I leave early I said the leader said I could leave early. But either way, I will either get kicked out of the committee now, or something like that. Oh well who the hell cares anymore. I don't need this committee, nor do I need to try to be helping in the committee if they're going to kick me off just like that. They will be the ones losing someone as great as me in their team. Moreover, if they think they can get rid of me that easily they're wrong. If she attempts to kick me out, watch, I will go to the main club adviser, i will go to to the committee adviser, and further more, I will have a petition signed and presented to the board. You cannot kick a member off the team because of no warning, no regards, nor can you just fire and yell at them like that.

Black Butler, the Anime Season 1 Summary

      I know its been a while since my last post, after all it was summer + the first few weeks of school. And as you know, those days are rough like wood. Anyways, now that im back, i cannot guarantee that i will stay here all the time. I may come and go depending on the time i have on my hands and the things I have planned for those days.
      I would totally go out of the way and tell you how goes my life but then things are just accumulation up, and like the usual me, forgetful and tends to not do it until the last minute. So with that in mind, things just tends to fall apart. Sigh, sophomore year is so stressful. I am two timing and stressing! So many things have came up but then I have only a short amount of time to tell you these before my time is up.So maybe i will be saving those for another time? Haha.
      Well recently I came upon this anime after Melissa recommending it to me, and boy was it nice. At first you know, like all my impression of most anime, their boring, blah blah blah. But after a while oh my god, i am in love with it so much that you have no idea. The anime is called "Black Bulter", its a two seasoned anime, which i just figured out. Season 1, its based on this young boy, who lost his loving family from the very beginning. And became vengeful of all those who were against his family and were involved in the bad murder. So he called upon a demon from hell, and held a contract with him, that once he, the demon helps the boy, Ciel with his revenge of all those that were involve, then the demon may have the right to eat Ciel's soul. So with that in mind, the demon became Ciel's butler, and from then on forward, he lived with Ciel in the mansion.
       So a little back story of the boy Ciel is that he is a Earl of the Phamtomhive, which means that his family is the queens' royal guard dog. And little did he know that the queen was against his family from the very start but didn't say anything until the end of season 1. Which I hated very very much of this film.
      And now in season 2, things became confusing; well actually let me rephrase that. Things has always been confusing in this anime, and when i searched up my question for season two, it seemed that everyone had the same question when they are watching season 2. The reason for that is by the end of season 1, Ciel though was conflicted on whether or not to kill the last victim because he was afraid of death, ended up choosing to kill the last victim, which was the queen's royal servant, aka the angel who wanted to purify the whole London by setting it all on fire. After the great battle between the two, Sabastian, the demon took Ciel off on a boat floating to a unknown place and he eats Ciel's soul. And that concluded the season.
      That was why I was surprised when i found out that there was even a season two to start with. But then its all good, that means i can last a little longer with the Ciel Sabastian love! ^____^

haha just a little diary that turned into a anime review. Well, my time's up, just stay tune for my next entry then? haha until then?

Unconciousness and Desire

      Many says unconsciousness and desire are completely two different objects, but others says their the same. If you take time to think about it, unconscious mind, uses dreams to express our inner desire. Last night I dreamed of my college good friend, let's call him J because afterall this is a blog, and we can't really be naming real people name since its all anonymous and all. So I dreamed of going to a fancy five star restruant by myself, sitting at the edge of the table eating, just a bit lonesome, with nobody around. And I felt a bit awkward and all. Then the bigger (long) table that is next to me came into focus, and on the table was this old couple, eating their appitizer salad. Then as the main course came it was J who was bringing the dish with a chef hat, representing that he probably paid the place to let him make the food for them. So in my dream, it tells me that it was J's father's birthday and he wanted to surprise him by being the chef and all. I was shocked that he would do that, and just staring at him and his chef hat. And we caught my eyes, and as our eyes met, i quickly went back to my plate of food and my book. Later on that day at the mall (the restruant was apperantly located inside the mall), he sat down on the couch next to mine, I took a look and told him to come and scoot next to me, in which he did and we started talking for a while. Then I guess I went by his house later on or something, and to find out that everyone was meeting at his house and all. (Everyone as in the people who i normally hangout with in college) And as we were sitting there at J's couch, everyone were talking to different people, and I was just glaring at random area, and later, he started chatting with me. We were having a blast or something. Then after the whole thing is over, as everyone was returning home, J was about to leave to head out, and so i asked, "where you going?" and he said oh why? I replied, because its already like 10 PM and i need a ride home. And he was like oh well what's your curfew? And i was like, I dont have one. And so he asked, if i wanted to go to a strip club with him. (this was probably from when he was checking out the 18+ magazines during our trip to fry's) I was like fine, sitting next to him I was kind of afraid of going there, because there would be a bunch of pervs, but then to think, i was also disappointed to see J becoming that type of person.
      And then the next thing you know, I woke up and that was pretty much the end of the story. I just feel like that i might have a thing for J even though i am currently with my present. I feel like I just like being tortured and being saddened. I mean right now I got most of the things i wished for you know. Present turned more patient for me, more caring and definately more understanding and all, being forgiving too, but then its just that I dont know. We always often have things we don't agree on and it's just a toll on the relationship. I just feel like sometimes he doesnt understand me and sometimes he just doesnt try to understand me. It makes me feel a but lonesome in the inside. I wish i can simply be a mind reader and read what peopel are thinking. It would maybe make my life easier. Sigh. like the saying i guess, if the boy isn't bad the girl doesn't love em'.

shine ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя (happiness)

      This isn't a talk about depression, nor a talk of complain, but instead happiness that shines bright within me right now. Shines away all the darkness. Today, hanging out with old friends from high school shown my true happiness. Though meeting so many people in college, not one person can replace or fit in a place where these two idiots of mine that always makes me smile and tries their best cheering me up at times. I dont know what I would do without them. So this article is especially written for them. Though they will probably never find this blog, or ever read it, I feel like its my obligation to write it down here as my feelings you know.
      Hanging out all the time sure makes the friendship stronger than before, but then hanging out once every rare occasion makes everything special. I finally realize it isnt the amount of times you hang with someone but your feeling towards them. A little of double meaning there, but then of course only I would get it, because afterall, its relating to something i been hiding deep within myself. Something I probably will never reveal to anyone in the world.
      One terrible thing that happened today though it while driving and turning at this intersection, since i was running a bit late I didn't slow down at a turn, and there was a dip right there. By driving 30 miles per hour it really isnt something safe to talk about. But anyhow, there was this huge bomb noise, super loud, and I was scared, literally, and i think everyone else was too. After that I kept hearing scratching noise, loud ones. I was scared of the fact that it might be coming out from the car, scaring of the fact that my bumper was the one that fell. As i parked on the side of the road, I realize it was something that was plastic that was under the car, behind the bumper (thank god it wasn't the bumper, or else my parents would kill me and murder me.) but anyways I panicked because the truth is I cant really drive anywhere with a plastic protector of the bottom of the car, half lingering and half still up and fine you know. Nor did I have the tool to untwist the thing that held those two halves together.
      I knew I couldn't drive all the way to school like that, because its 30 minutes away. So I decided to run into the private school near the street, but to realize I have no idea where the entrance was. It was then I saw this one latino man walking down the sidewalk. Chance! I thought to myself as I yelled towards his direction. "Hi, uhm can I borrow your phone?" He seemed a bit stranged out and confused, I mean if it was me I would too. And plus stranger danger even though I am the younger one here. As I pointed to my car, he then broke through the awkward zone and came offering his help, and ripped the half of the protector off and explained how it wouldn't cause a problem because that was only used as a protector.
      It was then, i begun to drive more cautiously than usual that day, but at the same time felt lucky and thankful towards life. I mean how lucky am I to find someone who would actually offer help and come by an empty sidewalk. Today is a good day. Thank you lord, god, and budda, espeically mommy for blessing me on such a lovely thursday.
      All I can say is...as a conclusion, there is hope for human kind! (haha jk its a joke conclusion, just ignore this line haha)

Dark-Side ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя ·

      Lies, one by one will catch up in time. Sooner or later you will realize the things that had happen, the things that you have told others, the lies, though may cover that current moment, but it wouldn't be able to cover things forever. Like crimials, thinking that they may be able to hide forever, but there's not a forever in things. Sometimes if destiny doesnt catch up to you in time, death would. Simple enough.
      I have been lying a lot. To many, I may be this one young innocent child who just turned 18, but inside lies many deep dark secrets, lies that I would never risk my life to reveal and lose everything. I know lying in the first place have its consequence. It's either them finding out and you risking to lose things, or you gamble with chance and hope for the best. And that's what I actually do best.
      Many thinks they know me, they know how I work and all, but what they dont know is my evil side, my dark side. I seem like a happy and sunshine person, but inside fill with desire and desperateness for things that I am not able to retrieve. And sometimes that dark side tends to take over me and try to gain what it wants. I can't simply just say I lost control of my good side, because truth is, human is neutral, they have both good and bad sides, but its what they want to pick, and it's obvious for me I'd rather be picking the evil at times even though I knew there would be consequences. Isn't that strange? We knew there would be consequences but the desire is so strong that you would go for it anyways.
      I didn't know about my dark side for a long time. In fact, I didnt know that I had one until recently. It wasn't till present current and I got into a big fight and near break up to make me realize that over time, how much of the evil have taken over me. I was beginning to fear my other side thats starting to mix with my good side. But there have to be an invitation to begin with for that to be able to occur. My evil side obviously didn't wake itself up, but something obviously triggered it. That's the same for everyone. You aren't born with pure evilness, your born neutral in a sense, and the decision to stay that way or not its all up to you and the environment that you live in.
      Where am I now? Am I ready to get to know myself better? Or am I better off just living with the fact of knowing about my little evil side? I question myself sometimes, why would I choose the decision I chosen, but then the answer still remains unclear. It's really funny how things turn out in life.
      Like 01.19.2013.

Desperation; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      It's amazing how far desperation can take us. Desperation, sometimes leads us to jealousy, sometimes leads so low mean cruel things and tactics you may never or could never imagine. Desperation sometimes leads to disasters, its those that lead us to. What's that phrase called? Uh, desperate time comes desperate needs? Yeah that is the phrase.
      Having a friend who is desperate for hangout with guys friends, no way. I guess there's always a reason why i hated her after getting to know her. The feeling wasn't clear until recently, more and more acts tends to show its obviousness when it hits the surface. I tend to question myself at times, what is it that i resemble with her? what is it that cause me to attract such a friend. I mean like they say, you are your friends. There's obviously a bond that keeps you guys together. It may be desperation as well, it may be because we're both desperate for friend, or we are both evil in ways which i tend to hide, but either way, still.
      She invites a group of guys, to be exact, three. One straight forward with no thinking of anything else, one is just forward about things and another that is just a plain pervert. I tend to wonder sometimes, why am I in this in the first place. Me and my other friend both disagree to the fact that she was going to invite the three guys, but then I guess in another sense of desperation she invites them anyways. Like come on, me and my friend, lets just call her A, me and A constantly tells her about not wanting to invite them but no matter what she insisted. Then what happens when they come? Disasters. Yeah, disasters. The straightforward one just went off blasting about how crappy the movie we were watching was, the other guy who's just forward on thing said it was boring and he might as well read the manga and then got bored of it. Then there's the pervert talking while harassing the friend B. I really felt like screaming and just leave the house and make them feel awkward and sorry, but i didn't  i stayed like a good audience. Mad at friend B, no matter how sorry she was I couldn't forgive her for that, not now, not later. And to make things worst, i actually trusted her enough to reply to her to only find out that she shows my text to other people. Can you believe that? Even I myself couldn't believe such thing. Like come on, if i was complaining about them as a best friend you wouldn't do that to betray each other right? Well I guess I was wrong. and of course things are just too obvious. I hate my life, I have like three paper due on Monday well that's supposingly and since I don't have school that day well cram cram cram! Anyways speaking of that there's always the other things like....HOMEWORK DUE ON TUESDAY. self stab

well until next time..

-remain unnamed.

Destined.

I give up the man I want. The man I love. The love of my life. For what? For this romance trouble. I mean do I even love him? I am pretty sure perhaps, but honestly, past was the true soulmate. Someone that i was sure destined to be with. The one that I didn't bring up enough courage to fight for. To stand by. Maybe he was lucky to lose me, I mean after all i probably only bring him and current present pain. Look at me, who would want me? Okay, a couple guys would, but that's not the point. Never was.
I always thought being with past would be the happiest thing in my life until realizing that I cannot gather up courage to be up to his face about things. Being with him makes my heart race each time, and eventually leads to me holding back. Shyness more like it. And that is exactly what caused me to not be able to speak from my heart in the heart to heart talk with present current. It may sound stupid but sometimes I wonder if I was ever meat to be with present current. Or maybe were just like he said, "not destined to be". Well, like the song, time will tell...

Wonders and desires

      Sometimes I wonder why are things always so unfair when it comes to me. The family I live in, many tends to be jealous. Getting to go everywhere, being able to see far places and experience new things, not having a care of when to get home and all. Why shouldnt they be jealous? But then sometmes its just those uncaring feeling, the feeling of them being unable to understand what you're going through that makes it unutterable.
      I sometime wish for a family that take me to places that I want to go. Not even to buy me stuff, but instead letting me buy stuff. I mean, I am not even asking for the basics, and yet this is happening. All I ever wanted, have they ever knew what it was? My favorite food? My favorite thing to do? Of course not. I don't think many parents would care for that. I sometimes wonder how it would be like if my family were actually different. If we were to live somewhere else. And spend our lives as other people. I wonder what will happen then.
      I am thankful my parents aren't strict and desire me to study on daily basis and restrain me from the use of electronics  But again I am jealous of them for caring for their kids, and buy the food that their kids want to eat. I mean if i were to point a finger at what I want then they would be like, "its too expensive," or "do you really need this?" or even, "maybe when its on sale." but deep down, I already know that day wouldn't come. Yet i expect so much.
      Desperate people at desperate need huh? Maybe people, humanity in general seek for things they cant acquire  hoping that they would be able to gain some. People's thoughts are strange. And the purpose of living, i still dont know yet. Maybe its some kind of experimental game the upper people have on us. Adding a little here and little there.


6:27 pm edit;

It's on Christmas Eve that I realize, if you don't take credits for the things you have done, soon without realizing it, others will take the credits for you. -_- typical life

random thoughts.

      Watching Gossip Girl late at night in this windy weather made me realize something...on the 5th season, 24th episode, around the 19th minute of the clip on cokesandpopcorn, it made me realize something. Blair, the girl who love both Dan and Chuck was now on the edge of having to make a last decision. Chuck, the love of her life, is finally tired of this game Blair have put up. Going on and off on him, and Dan, who was Blair's current love is also tired of this, and with Gossip Girl, the one who is pushing Blair onto the edge on the spot, Dan felt insecure because she posted a post from Blair's Diary how no matter what Dan is, Blair questions herself, about whether she will ever come to love Dan like how she loves Chuck.
      It all drove off to confusion, another triangle love that is. Watching this, it just reminds me of mine slightly. It reminded me of the love I had, those thoughts I thought of in my head yesterday as well. I chose present over past, because present love is secure, its safe, its calming, its everything a normal relationship should have, but then honestly, do I really crave for that deep down in my heart? I dont know anymore, nor am I sure of my decision. But I love him, I love him dearly, I dont know what to do anymore. I think I am beginning to be saying that a lot, to a point where I wonder, why do I even worry about this anymore? Why do I even care? la dauleur. la dauleur.

love complex. ;ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      All I ever wanted, was to see you smiling, all I ever wanted was you to be right beside me, all I ever wanted was you and me. Why cant you ever see that? You're so stupid. I always loved you and only you. No matter how many guys I try to have a crush on, when I see you, it's like a auto reset, all back to you again. No matter how hard I try, to forget you, to erase you from my past, it just seem impossible.
      I thought I erased you completely, this whole 6 month, being in a relationship with someone who I had a crush on, thinking that that will make whatever we had over. I thought I could do it, I thought that you and I was really over until that day, when I faced you once again. My heart, instantly recognized you from a far. It didnt take long for it to start racing from the top. My mind, already panicking and wanting to run away. I calmly reacting on the outside, acting a bit nervous, because what am I suppose to do? All the symptom of love is showing, something I cannot stop myself from. I am seriously hopelessly in love and denial. Why will I leave you in the first place? More ever, why did I leave you?
      I dont know anymore. Is it wrong to be feeling like this for your ex? And more ever, is it wrong to be comparing and missing your ex each time when your current present does something that to you, no boyfriend should do? I guess.
      Today when he went off, hanging up and decide to end the whole night's conversation just in 20 minutes, it made me felt uneasy. The insecurity kicked in. All those calls back then, he would never leave me within this short of a time. Even for gaming, I remember the first month, actually the first few month when we use to skype starting from 7, he would invite me into the chat that he had with Rudi when he's playing video game with him. Now, just a simple, hey Rudi fixed his game, I'll text you later. Not even a offer of wanting to stay there with Rudi and him. Well I guess guys have their gaming world, but honestly, I guess its really true that guys will treat you like you are all they got the first few month of the relationship and slowly back down.
      As the time progresses, I started to see the progressing of laying back kicking in. From early calls as early as 5, or 7 PM to now a 11:30 PM or 12 AM call. From a I'll walk to your house everyday at 9 and get there at 9:30 AM to a I might get to your house at 11 AM and then maybe fall asleep and end up not waking up until 1 PM, and say a sorry and pretend like nothing's happened.
      Relationship is a strange thing. The longer it last, the more greedy you came upon, and the more you would want. Before just a simple holding hand would do, and now, without harrasment it wouldnt do the day? Does all guy wish for this? I started out just wanting a simple love, where no harrasing is involved, and look what I am into now. From a thought of no sex until marriage to a relationship will only last if you have sex with me, and the maximum limit I am giving you is our anniversary date. Like honestly, its not that I am insecure, its just thats my way of thinking. How my mind is set to. No sex unless marriage. No matter what the hormones are telling me, I am gonna stick with my belief, and when you came in and hit me, it really got me confused. What should I do? I dont want to lose you, but nor will I want to lose my virginity this early. Sigh, I dont even know anymore.
      What is love? You tell me that you are doing this because you love me, you are doing this, wanting the sex because it will bring us closer. But honestly tell me which guy doesnt crave for sex. I am just a girl with naive thoughts being tainted more and more as the days go on. I am confused now. At times I really want to break up, break it, I cant handle sex, I really cant, but then I really do want to be with him. I do care for him and all. And I do put effort, but going through sex is really just too much for me. I really hoped he would've understood, but then maybe I am wrong, afterall he is still a guy.
      Can someone please tell me what to do?I am here, lost once again.

      There's a Christmas Party I been planning for a whole two month, wanting it to be perfect, or at least good, but relectant on whether or not I should invite my current. The thoughts battle each other each time behalf of his action, and now I am stuck. A few moments ago when I was still on the phone with him I really wanted to tell him, then when he chose gaming over me, I shrink back into my shell. Maybe I should just wait, and time will tell.



Until next time.

yisa yu 暖心 <- great depressing song if  you want something sad and sounds nice ^_^.

the breakage. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      Friends, their the best cure for lost love. When you are lost, when you dont know what to do anymore, the best thing for me is to forget about it, not think about it. Hang out with friends, chill with others, in hopes of that you would forget the ones you cared the most. Because sometimes you realize somethings are just better leaving it forgotten.
     This morning, after the passage of 12, the fight carried on, it led itself into our world. Our weak bond quickly shattered. I question myself, am I asking for too much? If he never lead me to expect these things then today, I wouldn't be here thinking of how unfair it is. I wouldn't be comparing the us before and the us now.
      Is it wrong to compare? It is wrong to be selfish? In relationship, there's always one side that is imbalanced, but sometimes trying to fix this imbalance causes things to go worst. Already been exactly half of a year since together and yet we fight like little kids, we fight like immature. Why do we fight? Deeply, I think its my fault for all these happenings. Its funny, because no matter how many times he sound like he's blaming me, sounding like its my fault, when i mention itsmy fault he would say its not. But then truely, we both know that isnt the case.
      Why is guys so hard to understand? You think women are strange species, what about yourselves men? He asked, am I tired of this relationship? Because he is. He is tired of trying to hard, and getting nothing back, he is tired of caring so much and get no thanks in return. He is tired of arguing with me countless times over things that shouldnt even be argued about.  Are we really meant for each other? He questioned this relationship many times, and now maybe i should as well.
      He gave me a total of 24 hours to consider this relationship, until I give a answer, he refused to talk to me. Even to wake me up. How stupid, ever since last weekend, ever since the meet with my ex. I am so tired now, I am confused, lost and tired. I want something more than this yet I can't even handle it. Such a stupid girl. He devoted so much of himself to me, yet I am doing this. Am I wrong? He told me to tell him what I expect from this relationship and what I will do to maintain this relationship.
      I am so lost. I am in so much pain now, can someone help me? I don't even know what I have been saying this past few hours...what do I do? Can someone please tell me?

      How far am I away from happiness?















 Alana Lee Hamilton Butterflies

super awesome big fun great ball

shinigami
ajax chat
kinokukun

ιт'ѕ coмplιcαтed. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα

      Looking through your pictures, looking through my comments, looking through those replies that you given. A few simple comment could already bring up a whole stack of memories. Then what am I suppose to do when I see you face to face once again?
      You, posting a picture of your self with long hair, because I never seen you in a suit, because I told you to grow out your hair.
      Me, commenting on the picture with just one word, "fat." can trigger up a smile upon your face.
      You, seeing the short comment, can rise with an smile and reply with things like, "again???? -.- LOL xDD hahahaha slap ur face later LOL xDD". Just with that one sentence, nostalgic feeling of us being together came back to me again.
      It is wrong? Should I not have these kind of feelings? Already half way through the day, yet you are still in my mind. Thinking that I was long over you, finally forgetting your existence, oh boy was I wrong. Even though denial towards myself works, but then when reality hits in, nothing can stop it, nothing can stand in the way of it.
      Why, why did I break up with you? Why did I ignore you? Why couldn't I face you? Is my love for you too much for me myself to handle? Perhaps that's the reason why. The reason why I can't love you anymore. Maybe its because of how strong my love is for you that's making me pulling myself away from you.
      It's stupid, because ever since young, I always thought love is real, love is pure, love is everything you think it is. And just like fairy tales, true love will last forever. Watching drama in my teenage years, I begin to wonder why are people so stupid? Why would they pull themselves away from the ones that loves them truely for the ones that even though loves them but contradict themselves. And why do others who truely love each other run away from each other, and cause misunderstandings? Although in the end things always resolve, it just tends to piss me off, why will they even think of leaving each other? If they love each other, if it was love at first sight or true love, why will the avoid each other. Then it was not until I hit high school that I begin to come to an understanding.
      Love is a strange word, it cannot be simply defined. And with just an phrase, "I Love You." Though can fill you up with warmth, or happiness, its mostly a lie. People when they say the phrase, 90% of them probably don't even mean them. Stupid complex love. Why is it so complicated?
      I use to think, that love is already enough, love itself can fullfill anything, and can last forever. My head's been sticking to that thoughts stronger everyday, until high school. Junior year hit me.
      It was junior year that all the things happened, and it was junior year that my heart was first broken, then back in love, then confused, then turned to complicated. Even now, I am still confused. I dont even know what to do anymore.
      Maybe people are right, money can really change things. Economic stands can really change things. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you really just simply cant be with them, especially when you're as selfish as me. Everything that happened up to today is my fault, my choice, and if I ruined it, of course, its me that's suppose to be the one to be pointed finger at. <- im not even sure if that makes sense. But sigh, one more final to go, so until next blog of the day.

until then!

chao!

/*/ ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα

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Seeing the presence of him leaving, was it really the right thing to do? Seeing him sitting by the nearest table to entrance, without a second thought in my head, heart beating, face blushing, all the symptom of love, what is there to hide? Why am I hiding? Am I too scared to Dave the reality? Such a bad ex girlfriend I am. When with him, I wouldn't admit anything, especially the fact that I love him. Why did I hold back? Been together for so many months, yet a simple "I love you" is so hard to achieve. No matter how far away, my eyes just want to meet his, my heart just wish he would linger his eyes and wonder it this way. And notice me, and tell me that deep down he still loves me. But can I really have a say in this? When I was the one who dropped him, let him go so easily? When I was the cruel one who ignored him and let him go when he dropped literally everything for me? Am I stupid? Yeah I am. Definitely.
Why am I blushing for him? Why is my heart still racing for him? Is this really true love? Am I really rebelling against true love? Was this the right choice? I really want to question myself, I really want a answer out of this. I really just want a way out. I don't know anymore. Was choosing the path I'm choosing the right choice? Was being with the one I am with now a good choice? Was leaving my ex what I wanted? I always thought true love lasted, always thought that in drama all those things were just some stupid fairy tale? Well that's funny, because it seemed like everything in a drama came true in my life.

God, what do I do next?

Can someone please tell me and help me and guide me a way out of this pain?

Anyone...

I think I am just in denial...but why?

broke. ):

      Don't you guys just hate those moments where you really crave for something and then something goes wrong and you ended up not having whatever it was that you want? Well, this happened to me today, and actually yesterday and the day before that. I wanted something cold, more like ice cream, but then smoothie or boba would have done the job. But then i totally forgot to bring my wallet that consist of not just my money but my school identification card as well. With that in mind life seems impossible. I didnt have water, and because i didnt have money yesterday and my throat was dried up as if they were the after effect of raisins from grape. And had to borrow a dollar or so from a friend of mine. Like i didnt have enough debts already purchasing lunch this other day with my other friend's money. But that's not the point, the point is that, today because i dont hang out with the same group of people, i wasnt able to get money. And money didnt really came into my head until after choir class when all we sang were god this god that. Christian songs if you were wondering.
      I MEAN SERIOUSLY, what do you do when you are really thirsty, theres no one you know around and you have only $.50 cents in your backpack? Seriously, you cant get anything. Sigh. This is depressing, so because there was this event earlier during lunch and they were giving away stuff, i stole one of their staff's four mini water bottles. Well, she wouldnt notice....i hope. Well that is all for now! Until then? (:

oh and p.s.
you guys need to watch the wongfu weekend with all the famous asian youtubers play soccer! (: really! haha me gusta! *u*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=9-o5bmr94Uo&feature=endscreen

тнoѕe мoмeɴтѕ. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα

      Those awkward moments when you and your past no longer collide the way you wanted it to. Those awkward moment where you wished everything that had happened havent, and things can start over. It's those moments that makes you have second thoughts in life. Why did we do this? Why did we do that? Only if this happened....only if that happened...and such and such. Many of us have regrets just like that, and then we question our own action.
      Sometimes when you finally meet up with your past again you suddenly realize, how nice it would have been if those things that caused the conflict didnt happen. If you didnt choose to do that. If in another paraelle universe you were actually smarter and did the right choice. But then of course, we all have times where we dont know what we do or we dont give second thoughts, or simply we dont predict the future.
      It's those feeling that lead me into writing today's post. It wasnt because of some major conflict, it wasn't because of those loneliness, but because of those nostalgic feeling you had about the past when you see that person. Its those flashback that pops up that makes you realize how nice it would have been if those things didn't happen. How great of a time you guys would be having. Regardless of having to worry or avoid them as of now.
      Life is so silly at times. Back in elementary, back in kindergarten, whenever you did something wrong, most likely you guys would still be talking even after that. Reason? You were just a simple pure kid, with nothing to worry about or having to have second thoughts about. Why can't we do the things like how it was? Why do we have to worry so much? Why does life have to be so complicated as of now?

      But honestly, when i was a kid, i was quite a lonely kid. No friends, and the only one that's true by my side would be my mom. But she's gone now. So who's truely close to me by heart? I dont know anymore. Many may say boyfriend, may say best friend, yes thats true, they are close, they are by far the closest thing to my heart as of now in compare to anyone else. But deep down,

a little special something.

dear secret santa, cough cough and all those people that are reading this, which is probably everyone...

      even though i am the one to tell you you're my secret santa which makes this not make any sense in the first place but then i am still writing here in hopes for some surprises.
      this Christmas might be our very first Christmas not celebrating it just by passing out gifts during lunch break, but instead being all like a family and celebrating it in a house. i don't need or want anything fancy. in fact i know 10 dollar isn't gonna buy much things with the economics going down like this. and inflation, not to mention the price of gas going up.
      moving on....before i move to different topics again..i would totally ask you for a mansion, a car, a limo, a hotel room, five star restaurant all you can eat, and all those things, but i am not going to, because why? I am a little angel so i shouldn't ask for much.
       all i want for Christmas is you! okay unless you are gonna become my slave and all, i don't want you LOL. but uhm i actually don't know what i want for Christmas either. but i definitely don't want food or anything related to it for Christmas, because after all eating them wont be lasting memory after all.


but since my secret santa is a bit slow at things.....perhaps? HERE IT COMES!
      i wish for anything that is piyo piyo related, because i personally love piyo piyo, but please don't connect rubber duckies with piyo piyo nor any other kind of ducks, because their simply not the same. but its so hard to find a cheap piyo product around huh? well i wouldn't know that because i don't go out to buy things much besides for you guys...
      I would love anything that last, as long as it wont pile along with all those junk in my room for those who have seen my room already knows exactly what i mean. and for those who dont, you will just have to imagine.
      so with that in mind, i don't need bar soaps, lotions (oh god i got tons of them actually), or any of the bath products. MAKE UP? MAKE UP? don't kid yourself. jenny don't use makeup...like ever! clothing? uhm go ahead but don't buy me a small, because i don't fit into them. i am between a medium and large, i am just saying. jacket definitely a large but then where the heck are you gonna buy a 10 bucks jacket these days? so nvm that.
      so with those aside, really anything is fine. i just don't want bath related product or food related, or kitchen related things, and no junks please. (: definitely prefer piyo things. giftcard would be nice too. but yeah. thanks santa.
      A PHONE WOULD BE SUPER NICE TOO! but you know that's kinda impossible, nor is a driver's license . so yeah, thanks! (:

eveɴтѕ - ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      Events tends to be tiring at times, but then it's the joy in the process of mkaing it happening that makes it enjoyable and fun to bare with. Many times I tend to ask myself, why am I putting so much effort into things that maybe we should all be working towards, and then i realize the answer, because the joy and the happiness you get from seeing their face tends to be priceless. Even a simple smile or thank you really tends to make up for those troublesome moments. You may not understand what I am saying but you know happiness isn't to keep to one self but to share it among with everyone else.
     Maybe that's what the Grinch's heart grew bigger and bigger as he saw the ray of happiness shining upon the city even though they were present-less. So did Grinch really stole Christmas? Or in a sense was he really the Santa that showed everyone what Christmas was all about? The one who united them all? Oh the irony.  
      Well as for now, here's the event as it goes on so far. The list is so ironically combined. I mean Ann and Jenny haha, that is like connect two of the same magnet, always repel against each other yet now their gifting each other gifts. Haha, hopefully through this it would make them closer together. And last secret Santa that we played during senior year Melissa's secret Santa was Jocelyn, and Melissa was my secret Santa. It's very funny how things turned out. Maybe that's life for you.
      I don't know about you guys, but my favorite part of the whole season is seeing everyone's happy and joyful face and Christmas shopping. Perhaps shopping is in all girl's genes, but then i don't know why, when i shop for someone else i tend to be happier than shopping for myself, maybe its the excitement you get when you think of their face when they receive the present and all. Or maybe the season is just a bit overly jolly that you tend to not be able to wipe away that smile. But for whatever it is, it sure makes the whole year worth the wait.

      The Secret Santa List:

Ann Yee - Jenny Lu

Jenny Lu - Ann Yee

Connie Lai - Jenny Chuang

Melissa Hua - Jocelyn Del Rio

Jenny Chuang - Melissa Hua

Jocelyn Del Rio - Connie Lai

      I am pretty sure i didnt write this in my last blog, but then my parents removed my doorknob..why you ask? Because my parents are multi-house owner or landlord i guess? And they rent out their houses, and in one of their houses they needed a doorknob, and our of the whole house, our of all the doorknobs they could have taken, they decide to take mine. And I am the one who uses my doorknob the most. Isnt this ironically? I mean yeah i would totally understand if i never use my doorknob and all, but no, none of my parents use their door knob yet i am the one who they take away from. Sigh. That's life for you. Well until next time.

ριℓσт - lα doυleυr

      Already at the edge of this autumn season, yet leaves struggle to apart from their branch. The sun is still yet shining so bright despite how the weather is. Coldness tends to cover up the whole land with the sun being stubborn as always, fighting it's way to shine its ray to the maximum. Making others feel its warmth and shine. With the passing of the long weekend, it seemed as if it was already the end of summer break once again. Going to school was no longer mandatory  College, the first step into the real society following turning 18. Although, it's quite the opposite for me considering my birthday was two weekends ago. Did I feel any older you may ask. The answer is no. Who ever told you that turning a year older will make you wiser lied. If you yourself isn't ready for the change, no matter how old you are, inside, you are still the same age.
      Putting that aside, with autumn coming to and end, thanksgiving following its footsteps catching up with us, I begin to start thinking. What am I thankful for this year? What am I thankful for in life? What am I thankful for all this 18 years?
      I guess the biggest thank may be going to my current parents, baring with me all these 10, 11 years? Felt like I have been with them practically all my life. The truth is they really didn't have to take care of me at all. I am what they called a bastard child. A unwanted child, a child that came from an accident, a child that wasn't needed, a surprise. My current mother didnt have to take care of me, nor worry about me, or lecture me about things, after all I wasn't her child, and quite opposite, I would probably be the last kid she'd ever want to raise. Yet she took me in, adopted me, and make me an official family members of theirs. I know even though there is a huge treatment difference between her kids and grand kids  she still treat me extremely nice for someone like that. And trust me, I am thankful for that. In fact I am really thankful for that. Not a lot of people can  do things like that. But sometimes hanging around with my friends too much tends to influence me a lot and make me realize how much of a actual family feeling I am lacking. After my elementary years are over, my parents begin to separate and do things their way. No one each with each other anymore. No group cooking and chatting on the table while munching down food. Instead everyone is all for themselves. Sometimes it make me think a lot. Especially when i go to my friend's house. I begin to get jealous, not over their wealth, or how much things they own or how spoiled they are, but how wonderful of a family they have to care for each other and eat together and enjoy every moment of it.
      I always wanted to do that. It always seemed so fun being able to do that. It use to be fun while we still do it. I guess you really do take things for granted until you lose it. Am I really asking too much though? Even though I know my mom isnt my real mom, but is asking her to trust me a bit too much? Do i really need to give in first for her to trust me? I mean first thing first, how am I suppose to give in when she herself doesn't even trust me in the first place? She said until i get a license, she will not allow me to drive. All my friends told me that the biggest part of their driving experience wasn't from the instructor, but the individual learning they got when their driving with their parents. And for me its quite the opposite. They rather pay for an additional 4 class and expect me to know how to drive and pass the test. Well, am I asking too much to wish for them to trust me more to a point where they'd let me drive and practice?
      Each time when I complain things similar to this, when i relate my friends' families to mine, my parents would always bring up something unrelated to the topic we're on and tell me to think about this and that. Okay I get it, those were my fault, but we are talking about this topic, would you explain why you don't trust me on driving? How trusting someone with driving have anything to do with doing chores automatically? Would someone tell me how asking "do you need help?" is not a kind of offering to help? And can someone please tell me how "can i help you?" is a kind of offer unlike "do you need help?". Its quite ironic, because i do use both set of questions, but when i claim that their both the same she would tell me. "Why will you bother to even ask me? Instead you should have just clean it or do the chores straight away." Well geez, is a confirmation too much for you? Is asking for a confirmation rude in our Chinese culture? For the record, I am pretty sure it isn't  And for your information mother, normally even my nephew, they wouldn't offer help often, and when they do, to you, THEY ARE THE POLITEST PEOPLE EVER, when the truth is, THEY SAY THE EXACT SAME THING AS ME! Well gee, how does that even make sense mother? Would someone please explain this logic to me? And also, please explain how all these questioning and not doing chores automatically without being asked to do them have anything to do with losing trust in a person and driving. Someone please enlighten me on this. Because apparently I am only thinking of excuses to make, and is too busy to realize my mistake in this. Well?