06.17.2015 Regrets, Loss, And Grief (下一頁的我)

下一頁的我

Thank you for waking up at 5am to take me to the airport one last time after our breakup.
Despite everything that have happened you are still nice to me, I don't deserve you.

Written on 07/02/201506說想你，說我以前沒有好好的珍惜你都太晚了。我們已經都變成過去式了。說聲對不起只能填一填傷口的結疤。要是我真的覺得你有那麼重要那我就不會那麼不尊重你的一言一語，我也不會對你大驚小怪的。實話說的直一點，你已經給過我不知道多少機會了。而我只把你說的都當成耳邊風。我以為我們是一輩子的，但是我都沒發覺你有多麼多麼的不快樂。我不知道我傷了你多少次了你還是會默默的原諒我。我回想了一下，你到底是看上我的那裡？我很愛罵你，很愛在你前面說你的壞話，什麼是我都經常說是你的錯，還愛說一些讓你感受到沒安全感的話。害你自尊心都悲傷了，安全感也沒了，還要逼的跟我嗆，而且還要被我臭罵一頓。我看起來真的不值得你的原諒。在一起那麼久了，我還沒有自己知覺，真的很想揍自己。你實實都依著我，我想去哪裡，我想做什麼事你都陪我，我要辦事時要是你有空你會陪我，我很無聊想要聊天時，要是你能，你也會用你保貴的時間來陪我在電話上聊天，或者陪我簡訊一整天要是你沒空的話。你讓我踩在你的頭上，讓我每次都不知不覺的踩的太過頭，害你感到悲哀跟傷痛。現在的我，有什麼資格要求你回到我的身邊？現在的我哪有什麼資格再問你願不願意跟我再重新開始？整個墨西哥的程旅滿腦子都是你，都在回想我們做過的事，我們說過的話，我們在一起的時候，然後我就會坐在角落單單和回想跟自責。自責當初沒有好好的對你，沒有好好的珍惜你。現在已經太晚了。像那首歌說的一樣，好的事情也總然需要結束。可能我們不是命中注定要在一起吧。
我以為我們會走的更遠，我以為我們沒事的，可是我都忘記停一下去看你到底高不高興，看一下我怎麼對待你的。我都估率了你的感受，我只有估率自己的感受。我好恨我當初的決定。愛應該是大方的，是不能逼迫的。有句名言說，要是你愛一個人的話，你就得放他走，要是他寧願回來，那就是屬於你的，可是要是他不回來的話那麼他從原本就不屬於你的，而你得讓他走。我好恨那句詞，因為我不懂為什麼。對我來說，愛一個人是自私的，我怎麼能說放就放？不能啊，哪有那麼簡單啊。尤其是看到對方終於有了個新的女朋友，心裏總是會痛。在嘴巴明明說說會祝他們幸福可是心裏還不是會痛的要命。我真的不懂愛，我也真的不想懂。愛好複雜，好亂。可以讓一個人失去理智，變成白癡，何必勒。我愛唸，愛把每件小事都怪在你的頭上，愛計較，愛跟你吵架，把不需要吵架無理頭的小事都變成大事，小事大鬧。我又愛跟你頂嘴，吵架都非虛我贏，還真的愛跟你吵的每天都你死我活，每天都至少會聽你說對不起，因為你都讓我贏。我好恨自己沒有好好的珍惜你，現在的我，已經太晚了，沒有這個福氣去珍惜你。我好恨自己恨我等了這麼久才發現，才自覺。我恨我當初開始沒對你好。害你每次都得和我道歉，就算是我的錯也是你道歉。在世上沒有一個人能應付我的脾氣。可是你就能，你的溫柔，慈悲，貼心，跟耐心都用在我的身上，而我卻還是欺負你，踏在你的頭上，害你每次受傷。我值得今天的下場，失去你的下場。
現在的我們連朋友都當不成，而當時以前的我們有說不完的話，比好朋友更親。
雖然我們現在連朋友都不如，但願有一天我跟你有緣能再度從新開始，但願你有一天會回頭再給我一次機會讓我好好的對你。好好的愛你。因為現在的我不值得得到你的愛。現在的我已經失去讓你愛我的資格。17
不屬於我的幸福我還是不要碰不要求，不然最後受傷的還是我。可能這輩子的我不值得擁有幸福。

So I am too lazy to translate it all to english, and asked my friend, Google translate for help, so don't mind some things not making sense...Like you said, that I had not cherish you too late. We have all become past tense. I'm sorry to say only fill a fill wound scarring. If I really think you are so important that I would not be so do not respect your word spoken, I will not have you fuss. Honestly straight point, you've given me a chance I do not know how much. And I say to you all fell on deaf ears. I thought we were a lifetime, but I have not noticed how much you unhappy. I do not know how many times I hurt you or will you forgive me silently. I thought for a moment, I fancy you in the end there? I call you love, love in front of you say bad things, what I have often said to be your fault, but also love to say something that makes you feel insecure words. Harm your self-esteem are sad, there is no sense of security, and also forced to choke me, but also I gave it to be. I look really do not deserve your forgiveness. Together so long, I do not own perception, really wanted to hit himself. Truly you are depending on me, I want to go, I want to do something you are with me, when I want to work, if you have time you will accompany me, I'm bored I want to chat, if you can, you also you will use the valuable time with me on the phone chat, or SMS with me all day if you do not empty words. You let me step on your head, so that every time I unknowingly stepped on too far and hurt you feel sad with grief. Now, I'm asking you what right back to me? Now how can I ask you what qualifications and I would be willing to re-start? Mexico trip full of mind throughout the process are you in retrospect we did, we have said, we were together, and then I'll just sit in the corner and recall with remorse. ERA did not receive proper for you, you do not cherish. Now it is too late. Like the song says, like, good things are always natural need to end.Perhaps we are not destined to be together now.I thought we would go further, I think we all right, but I have forgotten pause to see you in the end high unhappy, look at how I treated you. I estimate the rate of your feelings, I only estimate the rate of their feelings. I Haohen my original decision.Love should be generous, not persecution. There is a saying that if you love someone, you have to let him go, if he would prefer to come back, it is yours, but if he does not come back, then that he had not belong to you, and you have to let him go.I Haohen phrase word, because I do not know why. For me, love a person is selfish, how can I say Fangjiu Fang? Not ah, how so simple ah. Especially to see the other side finally has a new girlfriend, my heart will always be pain. In the mouth will obviously talk about wish them happy but my heart was not hurt terribly.I really do not know love, I really do not want to know. Hobbies complicated mess. Can make a person lose control becomes an idiot, why Le.I love to read, love to blame every little thing in your head, loving care, love quarrel with you, the little things do not need to fight unreasonable head have become a major event, trivial row. I love to talk back to you, quarrel is true I won, really love you quarrel with life and death every day, every day at least to hear you say I'm sorry, because you have to let me win. I Haohen he did not cherish you, now I, too late, you do not have this good fortune to cherish. I hate myself Haohen I waited so long to find it consciously. I hate that I did not start on Hello. Each had to hurt you and I apologize, even if it was my fault but also to apologize to you. No one in the world can cope with my temper. But you can, your gentle, compassionate, caring, and patience are used in my body, but I was still bully you, stepping on your head and kill you every time injury. Today I deserve in the end, you end up losing.Now we can not even friends do not succeed, and then before we have lots to talk about, closer than friends.Although we are not even friends such as, I hope one day I can tell you again destined to start again, I hope one day you will come back to give me a chance to let me have a good for you. Good love you. Because now I do not deserve your love. Now I've lost my qualifications make you love.I do not belong to my happiness was not to touch is not required, or the last thing I was injured. Maybe I do not deserve this life is to have a happy.
====Then there's the Greek verison I google translated for fun.06 Όπως είπατε, ότι δεν είχα να σας αγαπάμε πάρα πολύ αργά. Έχουμε γίνει όλοι σε παρελθόντα χρόνο. Λυπάμαι να πω μόνο γεμίσει ένα ουλές πλήρωσης τραύματος. Εάν πραγματικά νομίζετε ότι είναι τόσο σημαντικό το γεγονός ότι δεν θα ήμουν έτσι δεν σέβονται τον λόγο σου μιλήσει, δεν θα έχετε φασαρία. Ειλικρινά ευθεία το σημείο, έχετε μου δίνεται η ευκαιρία δεν ξέρω πόσο. Και λέω σε όλους σας έπεσε σε κουφά αυτιά. Νόμιζα ότι ήταν μια ζωή, αλλά δεν έχω παρατηρήσει πόσο δυστυχισμένο. Δεν ξέρω πόσες φορές έχω να σας βλάψει ή θα με συγχωρήσετε σιωπηλά. Σκέφτηκα για μια στιγμή, θα σας άρεσε η ιδέα στο τέλος εκεί; Καλώ αγαπώ, αγάπη μπροστά σας πω άσχημα πράγματα, αυτό που έχω πει πολλές φορές ότι είναι το ελάττωμά σας, αλλά και την αγάπη για να πω κάτι που θα σας κάνει να αισθάνονται ανασφαλείς λέξεις. Βλάψει την αυτοεκτίμησή σας είναι λυπηρό, δεν υπάρχει καμία αίσθηση της ασφάλειας, καθώς επίσης και αναγκάστηκαν να μου πνίξει, αλλά επίσης μου έδωσε να είναι. Περιμένω πραγματικά δεν αξίζουν συγχώρεση σας. Μαζί τόσο καιρό, εγώ δεν κάνω τη δική της αντίληψη, πραγματικά ήθελε να χτυπήσει τον εαυτό του. Πραγματικά σας ανάλογα με εμένα, θέλω να πάω, θέλω να κάνω κάτι που είναι μαζί μου, όταν θέλω να εργαστώ, αν έχετε χρόνο, θα με συνοδεύσει, βαριέμαι θέλω να συνομιλήσετε, αν μπορείτε, επίσης, θα χρησιμοποιήσει τον πολύτιμο χρόνο τους μαζί μου για το chat του τηλεφώνου, SMS ή μαζί μου όλη την ημέρα αν δεν κενά λόγια. Μπορείτε επιτρέψτε μου βήμα στο κεφάλι σας, έτσι ώστε κάθε φορά που εν αγνοία τους πάτησε πολύ μακριά και να βλάψουν αισθάνεστε λυπημένος με θλίψη. Τώρα, σας ρωτάω τι ακριβώς πίσω σε μένα; Τώρα, πώς μπορώ να σας ρωτήσω ποια είναι τα προσόντα και θα ήμουν πρόθυμος να ξαναρχίσουν; Μεξικό ταξίδι γεμάτο νου καθ 'όλη τη διαδικασία που είναι εκ των υστέρων κάναμε, είπαμε, ήμασταν μαζί, και στη συνέχεια θα καθίσει ακριβώς στη γωνία και να υπενθυμίσει με τύψεις. ΕΧΕ δεν λαμβάνουν την κατάλληλη για εσάς, δεν αγαπάμε. Τώρα είναι πολύ αργά. Όπως λέει το τραγούδι, όπως, τα καλά πράγματα είναι πάντα φυσική ανάγκη να τερματιστεί.Ίσως δεν προορίζονται να είναι μαζί τώρα.Νόμιζα ότι θα προχωρήσουμε περαιτέρω, νομίζω ότι όλοι δίκιο, αλλά έχω ξεχάσει παύση να σας δούμε στο τέλος υψηλή δυστυχισμένο, κοιτάξτε πώς θα αντιμετωπίζονται. Εκτιμώ ότι ο ρυθμός των συναισθημάτων σας, το μόνο που εκτιμούν το ποσοστό των συναισθημάτων τους. Έχω Haohen αρχική απόφασή μου.Η αγάπη πρέπει να είναι γενναιόδωρη, δεν διώξεις. Υπάρχει ένα ρητό που λέει ότι αν αγαπάς κάποιον, θα πρέπει να τον αφήσει να πάει, αν θα προτιμούσε να έρθει πίσω, είναι δική σας, αλλά αν δεν έρθει πίσω, τότε που δεν είχε ανήκει σε σας, και θα πρέπει να τον αφήσει πάει.Έχω Haohen φράση λέξη, γιατί δεν ξέρω γιατί. Για μένα, η αγάπη ένα πρόσωπο είναι εγωιστής, πώς μπορώ να πω Fangjiu Fang; Δεν Αχ, πώς τόσο απλό Αχ. Ειδικά για να δείτε την άλλη πλευρά έχει τελικά μια νέα κοπέλα, η καρδιά μου θα είναι πάντα πόνο. Στο στόμα θα μιλήσει προφανώς για να τους ευχηθώ ευχάριστη θέση, αλλά η καρδιά μου δεν ήταν κακό τρομερά.Πραγματικά δεν ξέρω την αγάπη, εγώ πραγματικά δεν θέλουν να ξέρουν. Ενδιαφέροντα περίπλοκη χάος. Μπορεί να κάνει ένα άτομο να χάσει τον έλεγχο γίνεται ένας ηλίθιος, γιατί Le.Μου αρέσει να διαβάζω, αγαπούν να κατηγορούν κάθε μικρό πράγμα στο κεφάλι σας, μεράκι, αγάπη διαμάχη μαζί σου, τα μικρά πράγματα δεν χρειάζεται να αγωνιστούμε παράλογο κεφάλι έχουν γίνει ένα σημαντικό γεγονός, ασήμαντες σειρά. Μου αρέσει να μιλήσω μαζί σας, η διαμάχη είναι αλήθεια ότι κέρδισε, πραγματικά αγαπώ τσακωθεί με τη ζωή και το θάνατο κάθε μέρα, κάθε μέρα τουλάχιστον να σας ακούσω να πω ότι λυπάμαι, γιατί θα πρέπει να επιτρέψτε μου να κερδίσει. Έχω Haohen ότι δεν σας αγαπάμε, τώρα, πολύ αργά, δεν έχετε αυτήν την καλή τύχη να αγαπάμε. Μισώ τον εαυτό μου Haohen Περίμενα τόσο καιρό να το βρείτε συνειδητά. Μισώ ότι δεν είχα ξεκινήσει στο Hello. Ο καθένας είχε να σας βλάψει και ζητώ συγγνώμη, ακόμη και αν ήταν δικό μου λάθος, αλλά επίσης να ζητήσω συγνώμη από εσάς. Κανείς στον κόσμο δεν μπορεί να αντιμετωπίσει με ψυχραιμία μου. Αλλά μπορείτε, σας απαλή, συμπονετικός, φροντίδα και υπομονή χρησιμοποιούνται στο σώμα μου, αλλά ήμουν ακόμα νταής σας, πάτησε το κεφάλι σας και να σας σκοτώσει κάθε φορά τραυματισμό. Σήμερα αξίζει στο τέλος, θα καταλήξετε να χάσει.Τώρα δεν μπορούμε ακόμη και τους φίλους δεν τα καταφέρουμε, και στη συνέχεια, πριν έχουμε πολλά να συζητήσουμε, πιο κοντά από ό, τι οι φίλοι.Αν και δεν είμαστε ακόμα φίλοι, όπως, ελπίζω μια μέρα να σας πω και πάλι προορίζονται για να ξεκινήσει και πάλι, ελπίζω ότι μια μέρα θα έρθει πίσω για να μου δώσει μια ευκαιρία να επιτρέψτε μου να έχουν ένα καλό για σας. Καλή σας αρέσει. Επειδή τώρα δεν αξίζει την αγάπη σας. Τώρα έχω χάσει τα προσόντα μου σας κάνουν να αγαπήσετε.Δεν ανήκω στην ευτυχία μου δεν ήταν να αγγίξει δεν απαιτείται, ή το τελευταίο πράγμα που τραυματίστηκε. Ίσως δεν αξίζω αυτή τη ζωή είναι να έχουμε μια ευτυχισμένη.

Roses and their meanings

Happy post Valentines day!
Yeah, a few weeks late, I know, I been busy with many things. Relationship is a weird things, so is jealousy. Jealousy can eat someone up inside, can make people do stupid things. And ultimately leads to sad ending of things. It triggers insecurities in people along with cold cold shivers I don't think anyone would like to feel anytime soon.
Valentines are always symbolized with red or pink roses just like how funerals are symbolized with white roses. According to sources as well as my friend who enlightened me, because I never knew the meaning of red roses, but apparently red roses proclaim "I love you." They are the ultimate symbol of romantic love and enduring passion.

So since we're on the topic of roses on their meaning by color, I might as well attach a list of the colors of the roses and the indication of their meaning below. So here it goes!

The color of roses and their meaning: 

The color of a rose can have a very different meaning from what you intend. Whether you are sending a single rose or a bouquet, there is a message to the symbolism. To ensure that your love understands what the particular roses that you bestow mean, check this guide to rose colors and their meanings:

Red Roses
Red roses proclaim "I love you." They are the ultimate symbol of romantic love and enduring passion. 

Yellow Roses
Yellow roses indicate friendship and freedom -- so don't send them if your intentions are romantic and long-lasting; you could actually be insulting the recipient! Yellow roses are also appropriate for sending congratulations to newlyweds, graduates, Texans, and new mothers. 

Pale Pink Roses
Pale pink roses connote grace, gentleness, and gratitude. While they may look youthful and delicate, they are as sturdy as any other rose.

Light Pink Roses
A joy to behold, light pink roses express fun and happiness. 

Deep Pink Roses
Deep pink roses say "Thank you." They have also come to be associated with the fight against breast cancer. 

Lilac Roses
Lilac roses indicate the sender has fallen in love at first sight with the recipient and is enchanted.

White Roses
Pure white roses symbolize truth and innocence. They also send other messages: "I miss you" and "You're heavenly." 

Peach Roses
Peach roses speak of appreciation and gratitude.

Coral Roses
Coral roses express one thing with their passionate color: Desire.

Orange Roses
Orange roses communicate enthusiasm and desire on the part of the sender.

White Roses + Yellow Roses
A symbol of harmony.

Red Roses + Yellow Roses
A message of happiness and celebration.

Red Roses + White Roses
An indication of bonding and harmony.

More Rose Symbolism: 
While roses are traditionally presented in bouquet form, these are also acceptable:

Single Red Rose
"I love you" (but I'm not going to go broke telling you).

Single Rose Any Color
"I thank you" (and I'm still not going to go broke saying so).

Two Roses Entwined
An engagement or marriage is imminent.

So up there is pretty much the meaning for them. So be careful when you're gifting roses to your cared ones, and choose the right set of roses. It's pretty funny because I have actually recieved yellow roses from my ex before, but I love yellow, so that wasn't really a problem. And plus they were dyed in sparkles and wrapped amazingly, how can i ever reject?

Besides that, happy february! And I will try to keep this as updated as possible even though it'd probably just be a blog for me, myself and I. (no readers *cry cry*)


but here attached is a video explaining in more detail i believe....i never really watched it so yeah haha
click me to watch it

Cultural Difference

We been through a long time together. Been through the happy times and the sad times. It is crazy how fast time past, and yet we change even though we are still in the same place. There are a lot of things I still dont understand. Including life.

I am in a official relationship with the guy I am happy to call him my present. He is someone I am willing to accept, someone who I would spend my money for if I have to, and someone who I don't ask much from knowing he is kinda broke.

There are things which I hate about him, he is a lot of a guy, which is something I am not used to. All the people I dated, although are guys, tends to act more feminine, so when my Present came into my life, it was really weird because of how different he was from my ex. Although sometimes I would compare him to my two past, and sometime gets sad about it because I just can't see him taking care of me the way the other two in my past would. My present can't even care for himself, which worries me. He chooses to party before everything else at times. He doesn't always make the wisest choice, and he likes to have fun more than thinking about the consequencce.

The most I worry about is that he is of another race. And not just any other race either, he is mexican. I mean don't get me wrong, my best friends are Mexican, and I love them, but its just having to survive with them, and maybe last a life time, the difference in culture and food worries me. Because I know he is not going to marry into an Asian household, and similarly I wouldn't want to be married into a Mexican household. He is catholic, although thank god he is not one of those super religious people, meanwhile I don't even know if I practice a religion.

Culture difference is already enough to worry about, if I end up ,marrying this guy, I also have to worry about religious difference? I mean obviously he would respect me and not force me to go into Catholic, but its just the fact that there are still certain ritual that makes me worry.

One thing many doesn't know, including my present is that I hate Mexican food or I mean just dislike. One thing I cannot take is beans, their cooked texture is just so weird. So when my best friends and boyfriend are Mexican, and wants to bring me to get mexican food. I am just like wtf am I suppose to order when I don't even know what they have. And then I see them ordering fluently it scares the crap out of me. I hate ordering in front of certain people, which mostly entails any of my boyfriends.

Thinking about all this worries me, it makes me think about life. Every time when I feel insecure because he hangs out with his best friend, which is a girl who I don't know, it makes me worry. I know he is not the cheating type, but with the fact that he is closer to her than me, and would sit next to her and talk to her while we're in the same office instead of me, it would hurt a lot.I hate having these kind of feelings but they just happen.

But that's another story for another time.
Time to study for finals, good luck everyone who's reading this on your finals! #collegelife

Throwback them feels

I am listening to "想你的夜 - Miss You Nights (Jason Chen Cover)" from soundcloud, something I just recently got into. But then just from listening to the song, it brings out so much emotion from the inside. The past, the recent past, and the current, its been such a mix that even now I still don't know for certain what I am doing.

伤感好声音-Deejay Kenny

I am just going to be dropping off songs here and there for listening and emotions at that moment purposes. As many may figure now that I am asian and yes I do speak and understand Mandarin, but that is as much as I will go for now.

To be honest, I lived my life thinking about the stupidiest things, worry about the things I really don't need to worry and not worry about things I don't worry about. Thinking past, sometimes I really just want to close my eyes and escape from this world. From all my past experiences in relationship, I never really had a successful one that I looked back at and said, "wow, that was once an amazing relationship." I dropped the first relationship that meant the world to me and took me nearly a decade to get, and went for a loveless relationship. Of course that didn't turn out well as all, I mean if you are only in it for the benefit of the relationship  just exactly how much can you get out of that relationship?

記得

When I first started my first relationship, it was with my first true love in the United States. I loved him for the longest time. I loved him like no one else. The degree of love I had for him was beyond compare, but of course, I was too shy, and I guess I couldn't handle my emotions, I loved him to a point where I was afraid to get into a relationship with up, but of course you wouldn't want to lose him either. So I was stuck in this midpoint in which I am chasing him while making sure he doesn't notice I am chasing him and let him chases me.

彩虹 - A木B

It's really stupid to think about it, I waited 5, 6 years for this relationship. I kept myself away from him, acting upon my brainless brain rather than acting upon my heart. I remembered how happy I was when it first all started.

Good bye, "Present"

So finally I am single again, offically. From all those time I post sad posts, to those time I post about stupid things he doesn't understand me doing, now I guess this will be the last post about him. Goodbye "present", you're now offically part of my past.
I guess I will wrap some memories I have of him in this blog post, and seal it from there, no more talks of him as present, no more talks about him as my current. He would be my history, something I once had, once smiled about, and will slowly fade away.
I remember every time he suggested break up, we would end up not breaking up. Not because he never meant it, but because everytime he tries to break up with me, I would end up sobbing to him, lowering my dignity to him, begging him to not leave this relationship. Why? I guess I just never really got used to being alone, and considering being with him for two years into the relationship, its just the fact that you already know so much about each other and the level of understanding is crazy to a point you don't know how you're going to start it again with someone new and achieve that kind of level. I guess he was just part of my comfort zone, something I didn't like losing.
And with the idealology my parents taught me behind, I always look at quantity over quality, like money over love? Since he was this person who is willing to go on any extend to buy me the stuff I want, I guess it just lay me a bonus of not wanting to leave me. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, but then its just his lack of understanding and trying to relate to me frustrates me sometimes (or probably all the time). I never understood him, I don't get why he would often get mad at me when I should be the one getting mad at him. He does things that a boyfriend shouldn't do to their girlfriend, yet when I point it out, he would just give me this look like I take him for granted. I don't, I really don't.
The tiring thing about the relationship I had with him is his expectation. I remember in the very beginning of the relationship, I would always be the one calling him, the one texting him, and when he doesn't reply I would be like hello? Why aren't you replying. And of course, he got annoyed by that very quickly, but then I bothered on, because that's what girlfriends and boyfriends are suppose to do. Then of course, there reached the comfort zone, where you two don't really mind anymore. And once you pass the comfort zone, it's just argument after argument I guess. He started complaining that I don't pay attention to him enough, that I don't call him anymore nor do I text him, but to be honest, it is tiring always being the one to text first, being the one who always calls first. I don't ever remember him calling me because he misses me, I don't remember him ever texted me because he wants to see me, it's always me doing it, and I felt as if I was taken for granted. And of course it's only when you lose someone that you realize how important they were in your life.
You know what kind of bullshit he texted me when he broke up with me?
"For reals over things like this. I was really going to sit down with you tomr and talk about this relationship and how we can maintain it better, but I guess that's fucking pointless now. I don't mind putting more effort into pleasing you but you have no right to get at me when I chose no to considered that amount of efor you put into it for past six month. I don't care whatever the reason it might be to cause you becoming differently in this relationship but I have been waiting for you patiently and now you wanna be an asshole about it then so be it. We are over now, and from this moment on every time you look back at this you will see nothing but regrets. For all the troubles I went though for you. I have no one to blame but myself. I guess at the end I can't really say I hate you, since you did help me grow as a person, so thank you."
So much fake bullshit here that I don't even give a fuck about anymore, if he is this much of a jerk to even put that I will be the one who have nothing but regrets? Who the fuck do you think you are? I will live my life to the fullest with or without you.

Truth be told though, I cried by myself for a while, and I even cried to my friend who I am not even super close to emotionally/mentally. I felt like my world breaking apart at one point, then I don't know why, the following few days, the only person that pops up in my head was Past. He concurred my whole thought process, and I don't know why out of any of the other time I decided to think about him then and there, especially after a break up.
I knew we weren't going to last, I knew that one day we were bound to break up, it was just the matter of time, but then I guess my brain was just never registered to the fact.
It truly gets frustrating when  he pops up when I am the one who hurted him so much. He finally have moved on to someone else, and it would really be messed up of me to try to even attempt to bring him back into my life again and have his heart broken four times . He was my real first love, my longest love, the love I hide away the most, the one I truly inputted effort into. I guess it makes sense for me to think about him. If there was anyone that I was regret towards, he would be the first one, not "present". In fact, he is no where near the first I would feel regret towards. I treated him better than a lot of people would, and I actually let him pressured me. I mean seriously.
In the beginning of the relationship, he threatened me that if I don't have sex with him before our first year anniversary, he would leave me, because it juts proves that I don't love him. How fucked up is that?
It's like, shit, my bad. He said that a year is the longest he would wait and that I was lucky because most guys would just leave me already if I don't have sex with them then and there. I wasn't mentally ready, nor was  I physically ready. I mean he tries to relate to me, saying that he is a virgin too, and that if he is willing to give it to me, I should be willing to give it to him. What the hell? And then he says that he done all those other things for me, and all he asks of me was sex, how hard is that. Look at me, do I look like some kind of prostitute to you? Holy shit. Thinking about all the things he said to me just made me feel less and less regret towards him leaving. I remember when he first tries to take off my pants, and I was like, "no", and he just kept doing it, saying "come on," It had to get me to cry for him to stop, what the hell. After all these he expects me to do more and more, even tried to force me to blow him. And when I say no, his response is, "come on, everytime when you ask me to do something, I always do it, and all I ask is this one thing." And I am just like, "I ask you to visit me, to call me, to read to me sometimes, but I don't ask for things that can even be compared to those, and furthermore, you don't just ask for that, you ask for sex too." And his response was, "That's the same thing, and if not I did more effort, all I ask is two things even so. Come on"

I am not even going to continue this story, let's just end it here. Good bye "present".

Isn't someone missing me? ; la douler

All this time, I thought I was over him, but the truth is that I was never over him. I still have feelings for him, even just he slightest counts right? No matter what he does, or how much I despise him, I just cannot stop loving him. He’s already my ex, I was the one who gave the decision of breaking up with him, and now I am the one regretting this? A little ironic, I know. Why can’t I stop thinking about him? I don’t know, it haunts me in the middle of the night at times. The way he smiles, that face, that innocent but gentle face. Sometimes I miss it, sometimes I wish I still had him. If I had those kind of feelings then why am I here at this step, with someone else in my arm you ask? I have no clue either. In the beginning, I just couldn’t take him on my shoulder anymore. He doesn’t know how I felt, he doesn’t understand me, and moreover, he doesn’t know I cry in the middle of the nights at times because of our fragile relationship. There I said it. Sometimes on the other side of the phone when I was talking to my ex, things would be weird, it would grow quite, afterall we don’t have much to talk about. Getting together right after being a set of strangers, of course there is nothing you can talk about. But then of course, its my fault as well, because I would never tell him how I feel. In fact, I would never tell him anthing about him. Its pretty silly to say it now but then its better than not saying it at all at times. Sometimes I would close my eyes and wish everything was a fairytale. Another reason to why I broke up was because of the fact that I couldn’t express anything with him. I guess if I gave “us” time, we probably would pull through. I mean relationship is all about time, and patience, because only “time will tell” as they say. And that is what kinda happened to me and present, and resulting in me here, in less of a depress relationship. Why didn’t I give my past a chance? Why did I move on so fast? It is because of the way he makes my heart race? Is it because of the way he smiles? The way he loves me like no one else? I really don’t know. He is a guy full of flaws, yet I loved him so much. He chased me for what? Five years? Seven years? At times even though he tells me he have already got over me, I would wonder about that.  Isn’t something missing? Isnt someone missing me? Even though I am the sacrifice, you wont try for me not now. Now im dying to know if you love me, now I am all alone. Isn’t something missing? Isn’t someone missing me? This song truly describes my feelings right now. I can’t bare to see another one of his pictures. Each time I see one picture, an image just pop up of him, the thought of him. The slightest hint reminds me of him, I hate it, I truly hate it. What am I suppose to do now? 

Good bye spring in winter.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!(:

This will probably be one of the last post I post this year, not because I am constantly busy, or because I'm lazy or go out too often, but because my heart is broken into pieces. It all started a few days ago when my friend asked a waiter for a number for me. He's dashingly cute, tall, great face feature and just everything about him makes me smile. I guess it's just love you know. In love, guys tend to look flawless in comparison. "I'm going to find someone someday who might actually treat me well" 

"Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now"

Sigh Taylor swift knows how I feel :( 

Well anyways so I got his number, we texted a bit and then he stopped texting, and from then? Never again :( you have no idea how my heart broke that day (which is the very same day) where he stopped replying. Sigh. 

I mean can someone give me a tip on how to communicate with him? I mean :( is he not interested in me because our text was boring? Or did he just give me his number just because it's hard to reject on the spot? 

Sigh I don't even know. I kinda just gave up I guess. Good bye the ten dollars my friend waged on the table :( good bye everything else. >_< I think I'm just gonna cry myself to a broken heart tonight.

I mean this is weird because this is the first time being rejected so hard :( but then again I really suck at chasing after people, I mean if you know me and look at the people I fell for and chase after, it's like did you really do that? 

Haha, yeah :(. 

Well back to this guy who I guess I just revealed his name because of the picture. 

HE PROBABLY LIED ABOUT NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN :( GAHH I can't believe I actually wanted his number :( and I can't believe I assumed he would like me.  Sigh, why is chasing guys so hard? Only if it was easier. But then again, he's like 29 years old, a bit too old for me huh. :/ yeah it's kinda funny story too. As a kid I was always like, I'm not going to date anyone older than at most 3 years older and never someone younger, yet today I'm fine with Bryan, who is like what! Ten years older than me! ARG! Stupid jenny :( you're just like stabbing yourself in the chest for doing that. Accepting someone into your heart who doesn't even probably feel a thing for you but pity and awh. Your only 19, not like 27 or 28! Good bye Bryan. 

Well anyways :( one of my sisters friend, he's like 40 something? He is dating this girl the same age as me. Crazy stuff. Haha the ironic part is a few years back, my sister joked with him about how he can date me, when I was like less than ten years old. And he was like, "oh your sick!" And today, guess what? He's dating someone my age. Hahaha ironic I know, but he's a baby face like this guy I know from college, so he really doesn't look that old yet. Well but yeah. 

Sigh diary, this is crazy, I can't get him out of my head, Bryan. :( at least if he doesn't want me to text him, don't avoid me, just don't give me your number in the first place! Gosh. #problemwithguys

Seriously. 

Mother ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

It was yesterday, and the day before yesterday that got me realize how much effort my mom gives in on daily life. Even though she is not my birth mother, her role in my life became bigger and bigger as the days went by. Although I tend to forget that, and be ungrateful at days, its at the end of the day that things collect itself and I find myself in my own little bubbles. Yesterday night we celebrated her birthday, and that's when I realize, nobody really appreciate her appearance much. Nobody waited for her to show up, and nobody asked where she had been the whole day, working. Even though its family dinner, I don't even see a speck of greeting. Maybe I am blind, but then the things they do , tends to be captured by me. Jay's refusal to join the family celebration and talks, instead he rather play angry bird, and minion run. The generation below me's ungratefulness, not knowing why we are gathering here today. And the in-laws who are just there because their spouse needed them to be there. My mom have to buy her own cake and do all those things just makes me angry. Why couldn't anyone else buy her a cake? She deserves more than purchasing her own cake. It was at that point I wanted to make a cake just for her, maybe a cheese cake or something like that.
On the drive back to my present's place, I gave it a lot of thoughts. I wanted to cry, it's not until I was leaving that house that made me realize how empty it was leaving it. Leaving the warm spot. How unfullfilling it was, and how much they needed me around yet I was like that. I wanted to cry, but I didn't know who to cry to. Nobody at this moment would understand how I feel, nobody. And that is just pretty sad. Thinking that I grew up all these year having so many people passing by on my life, yet nobody understand me well enough to see how I feel. Maybe I am introverted rather than extroverted. I thought of my brother, the youngest one, though still older than me, he is the third in line. He is an introvert, unlike my older brother and sister, whom are extroverts. It would make a lot of sense, but then as of now, it makes no sense at all. In fact I dont even know what I am talking about anymore. I wanted to write this blog since yesterday, but then because I was away at someone else's place, I couldn't let them see my secret blog. I couldn't let the society in, its just something I havent came in terms with yet.
No now, and probably not ever would they find this blog. I guess this place is just a place where I let out my fustration, a place where I can talk about all sort of secret and not being scared to express myself and how I feel. Although sometimes I really do wish someone would read this and talk to me, someone who would understand how I feel. Regardless of introverts or extroverts, just somebody.

Secarios we imagine; "it is easier to be said than done"

At home, in my thoughts on bed, I can imagine millions of scenario that are played through an incident. I can imagine how to approach each and everyone, and how I should encounter each and everyone of them. There is this common saying that, "it is easier to be said than done", and quite frankly I think its utterly true. We watch movies and see stupid scenes where individuals could save themselves from death, and humiliations, but what we are being tied to and am too blind to see is that we have to be in that current character's shoes to judge the action itself. We need that certainty in which we don't have. We typify characters on screen and off screen for the stupid choices they have, but how many of us actually thought of a second that we may never be in the same scenario as them. I remember as a kid, it is frustrating just to see cartoon characters freeze in the middle of the road just because they saw a car approach and is about to hit him/her. I remember I would scream and tell them to run, and think that these characters are illogical and doesn't think, but when I encountered a near car-accident experience a year back, all I could do was freeze on the spot rather than escape from such event. These things are so frustrating to deal with, yet we take it so lightly.
These past few months, I been thinking about my actions I have done in the past. I may have committed a sin that is so sinful that even a non-religious atheist believe in the term "sin". I kissed a homozygous being, or in another term, someone with the same gender as me. It wasn't that part that made me shameful of what I have done, but rather, the fact that I took no responsibility of the action made me angry. Made me ashamed of the things I done, and how I have handled it. It became awkward after that sleepover. In fact, waking up after your hormones drown out is the worst thing that could've happened. Realizing that all those things you did were just because of the moment rather than actually doing it according to your feelings were just wrongful. Especially when in the next few days, the girl I had such encountered with wrote me a four page letter confessing that she did it not for the moment, but because she grew feelings for me, What the hell self? Why did I even allow that to happen when I don't have feelings for her? It seems ridiculous then, and still seems ridiculous now to think about it. She tried calling me and talking to me because I tried to avoid her, she tried coming up to me and saying hi and still but all I can do is walk away and pretend I have errands to run and things to do. I treated her awfully, for when she was contributing her whole heart out. I was the bad guy in that friendship. If I didn't have feelings for her and she was my best friend, I shouldn't have motivated her to kiss me, or to kiss her back. I shouldn't have gave it the chance for it to happen,. nor should I have allowed it to happen.
I knew she was bi, I knew she doesn't just playing around. I knew shes kind and sensitive, yet I wrecked her like a wrecking ball. I was the reason why she ended up unfriending me and blocked me on facebook. I was the reason why every time I see her on campus or around the hall, she have to put her head down and walk away fast. I was the reason why our friendship turned from being best friends to being just awkward strangers in the street. I really want to say I miss her, I miss being able to talk to someone about things, to be able to speak Chinese openly, and being able to open up and accepted. She actually cared full time rather than my other friends caring only half of the times. Yet I dropped her hard. What was I thinking?
There were so many opportunities where I could have saved the relationship. There were so many times where we could have made up and pretended nothing have happened, yet I chose to do the selfish thing and blocked her off of my life once again.
How stupid of me? Letting one of the most important person go just because of that. Flushed it down the drain like that...
I imagined in my bed, scenaros where I see her, and apologize to her. I see myself talking to her, saying and speaking some sense, giving this whole speech trying to make up for these. But i know no matter how I say it, there would be no way things would just simply go back to normal. Her sister hates me now for wrecking her, and I dont blame her. because if was her sister, I would do the same thing.
I imagined all these different scenarios where I walk up and ask for her time, to ask her "do you hate me?" Apologizing for the years of pain I caused on her, but just now, just half an hour ago, when I saw a back shadow that seems like her but I didn't have the courage to check or even to call her out or pull her back, I felt powerless. I was shakened as if I was in front of a hundred audiences. I was afraid of facing her, all the guilt and fear rushes into my brain, paralyzing me from reaching forward, or to even open my mouth to speak up. My feet began to drag, and I began to walk slower.
She seems exactly like her, the girl seemed exactly like her. The way she walks, the way she position herself, and the way she holds her phone. It makes me think so much, my heart tells me to approach her, to talk to her, to stop her before not seeing her again. This is the chance. Yet in my brain, my logic is telling me the opposite, telling me that I am just heading into a trap. It's stupid, it is really stupid but true.
I wish there was just a time machine, going back to the time where none of these happened, going back to freshmen year, maybe even elementary school and start all over with the knowledge I have of today.

but to bad that is just a narrative of fictional sci-fi that would not happen anytime soon.

If she was reading this today,  I really would hope for her forgiveness, because I am the one at the completely fault of what is happening today.

"Wrecking Ball" the Music Video, Miley Cyrus, and Liam (the breakage of engagement)

Have you all saw this image and maybe a few more like these? Yes, Miley Cyrus and her new music video, "Wrecking Ball" have became it hit. Maybe due to the last VMA performance Miley did that stunned practically everyone in the audience, or just maybe the nudity in the scenes.I know I have no right to say things about her or judge her, but come her, look at all her action and then you tell me that she did all these out of heartbreak. Okay, I understand, maybe a breakage of long period engagement with her beloved Liam really hurt her emotionally and perhaps physically, but that doesn't give a reason to go all out on nudity and inappropriate actions. I mean many of the fan were disappointed of her actions. I honestly loved her when she still had some dignity rather than all pole dancing around Robin Thicke, not to mention the foam finger action.

 It's like saying, yeah Miley, you look like you're definitely depress and breaking down.

Liam broke off the engagement through the convencing of his brother. He stated that he wasn't happy in the relationship, and staying in it just makes him depress. And I am not surprised, I mean look at how Miley acts now a days, I would be depress if my girlfriend fiance was like that. Shit, I would beat the crap out of her, haha just kidding. But to be honest, they really do look adorable together, no matter how she changed.

From this....

To this....

To that! 

No matter how you look at it, those two together just makes you go "daw". And even as much as I hate Miley and her actions right now, looking at these pictures really do make me smile because of how cute and compatible they look. Yes, it's a tragic that the engagement was broken off, but that doesn't mean you have to go off nude and show it to the whole world and screaming that I am going crazy now that he is gone. 

Just because a man leaves your life doesn't mean you have to wreck your own life to make things worst. And quite frankly, I don't think that is the right attitude, or the right way of trying to get Liam back, Miley. I mean I don't mean by writing a love break up song like Tayor Swift....

but then you don't have to act all Gaga or 10 times worst than Gaga and Taylor Swift Combined (no offense to them, because I actually love them very much! I'm a Swifty myself). But seriously Miley, get your track back together. Fix your image, or at least stop hurting yourself by showing your nudeness to the whole world. 

Feel free to leave comments on your thoughts and such. I'm all open.

Black Butler, the Anime Season 1 Summary

      I know its been a while since my last post, after all it was summer + the first few weeks of school. And as you know, those days are rough like wood. Anyways, now that im back, i cannot guarantee that i will stay here all the time. I may come and go depending on the time i have on my hands and the things I have planned for those days.
      I would totally go out of the way and tell you how goes my life but then things are just accumulation up, and like the usual me, forgetful and tends to not do it until the last minute. So with that in mind, things just tends to fall apart. Sigh, sophomore year is so stressful. I am two timing and stressing! So many things have came up but then I have only a short amount of time to tell you these before my time is up.So maybe i will be saving those for another time? Haha.
      Well recently I came upon this anime after Melissa recommending it to me, and boy was it nice. At first you know, like all my impression of most anime, their boring, blah blah blah. But after a while oh my god, i am in love with it so much that you have no idea. The anime is called "Black Bulter", its a two seasoned anime, which i just figured out. Season 1, its based on this young boy, who lost his loving family from the very beginning. And became vengeful of all those who were against his family and were involved in the bad murder. So he called upon a demon from hell, and held a contract with him, that once he, the demon helps the boy, Ciel with his revenge of all those that were involve, then the demon may have the right to eat Ciel's soul. So with that in mind, the demon became Ciel's butler, and from then on forward, he lived with Ciel in the mansion.
       So a little back story of the boy Ciel is that he is a Earl of the Phamtomhive, which means that his family is the queens' royal guard dog. And little did he know that the queen was against his family from the very start but didn't say anything until the end of season 1. Which I hated very very much of this film.
      And now in season 2, things became confusing; well actually let me rephrase that. Things has always been confusing in this anime, and when i searched up my question for season two, it seemed that everyone had the same question when they are watching season 2. The reason for that is by the end of season 1, Ciel though was conflicted on whether or not to kill the last victim because he was afraid of death, ended up choosing to kill the last victim, which was the queen's royal servant, aka the angel who wanted to purify the whole London by setting it all on fire. After the great battle between the two, Sabastian, the demon took Ciel off on a boat floating to a unknown place and he eats Ciel's soul. And that concluded the season.
      That was why I was surprised when i found out that there was even a season two to start with. But then its all good, that means i can last a little longer with the Ciel Sabastian love! ^____^

haha just a little diary that turned into a anime review. Well, my time's up, just stay tune for my next entry then? haha until then?