Unconciousness and Desire

      Many says unconsciousness and desire are completely two different objects, but others says their the same. If you take time to think about it, unconscious mind, uses dreams to express our inner desire. Last night I dreamed of my college good friend, let's call him J because afterall this is a blog, and we can't really be naming real people name since its all anonymous and all. So I dreamed of going to a fancy five star restruant by myself, sitting at the edge of the table eating, just a bit lonesome, with nobody around. And I felt a bit awkward and all. Then the bigger (long) table that is next to me came into focus, and on the table was this old couple, eating their appitizer salad. Then as the main course came it was J who was bringing the dish with a chef hat, representing that he probably paid the place to let him make the food for them. So in my dream, it tells me that it was J's father's birthday and he wanted to surprise him by being the chef and all. I was shocked that he would do that, and just staring at him and his chef hat. And we caught my eyes, and as our eyes met, i quickly went back to my plate of food and my book. Later on that day at the mall (the restruant was apperantly located inside the mall), he sat down on the couch next to mine, I took a look and told him to come and scoot next to me, in which he did and we started talking for a while. Then I guess I went by his house later on or something, and to find out that everyone was meeting at his house and all. (Everyone as in the people who i normally hangout with in college) And as we were sitting there at J's couch, everyone were talking to different people, and I was just glaring at random area, and later, he started chatting with me. We were having a blast or something. Then after the whole thing is over, as everyone was returning home, J was about to leave to head out, and so i asked, "where you going?" and he said oh why? I replied, because its already like 10 PM and i need a ride home. And he was like oh well what's your curfew? And i was like, I dont have one. And so he asked, if i wanted to go to a strip club with him. (this was probably from when he was checking out the 18+ magazines during our trip to fry's) I was like fine, sitting next to him I was kind of afraid of going there, because there would be a bunch of pervs, but then to think, i was also disappointed to see J becoming that type of person.
      And then the next thing you know, I woke up and that was pretty much the end of the story. I just feel like that i might have a thing for J even though i am currently with my present. I feel like I just like being tortured and being saddened. I mean right now I got most of the things i wished for you know. Present turned more patient for me, more caring and definately more understanding and all, being forgiving too, but then its just that I dont know. We always often have things we don't agree on and it's just a toll on the relationship. I just feel like sometimes he doesnt understand me and sometimes he just doesnt try to understand me. It makes me feel a but lonesome in the inside. I wish i can simply be a mind reader and read what peopel are thinking. It would maybe make my life easier. Sigh. like the saying i guess, if the boy isn't bad the girl doesn't love em'.

Rememberance ; la douleur

This was written on Friday I believe, but just let me copy and paste this because I think I never got the chance to put this up.

Am I stupid to expect him to change, and to understand? Am I selfish for asking for simple things like talking to me at night? I see other people, and then I look at myself. I push off all of my sweet time to be with him regardless of anything, and all he can do, the best he can do is pushing SOME of his time and except my appreciation? What appreciation? Let’s be honest, I already lost all of my friends, and don’t even talk to them on the phone anymore, and now this shit? So I push my friends away, it’s something that I am “obligated” to do, and for him to push off gaming night, or even delay it, would literally kill our relationship? Wow, that’s just touchy. Exactly touchy.

Hecking every time I would skip an hangout, or skip and phone conversation. For what reason? Because Danny is finally available, and things like that, yet now a days, guys don’t appreciate, or don’t remember. Well shit.

Humanity in general, tends to remember more of the things they didn’t do, the things they piss you off with, and the things that they disagree with you about more than the things that you did that’s good and such.

In arguments like this, the ones who first remember the rights the opposite do, looses, because obviously, the guilt will come in and hit you in the head.

The funny thing is that, tomorrow is his birthday, and I was actually beginning to write his birthday card when he called, and now with that one call, everything is gone. My idea, my inspiration, everything. Why the hell will he even fight with me on a night like this.

Paralleled Universe

This may sound very initially stupid but sometimes I am really jealous of my siblings. Their status, their living environment, and so on. It’s like everything is within each other. They got each other right where they want them, friends are all well known through out. I, as a bastard child, doesn’t get much of the benefits. Yes I am young and more spoiled in such a way  compare to the rest of them, but then I rather have each other than to have myself. I would really rather go to arcadia high and meet all these kinds of people who are Taiwanese and social that are bilingual rather than making friends I rarely talk to and doesn’t really go out often. It’s stupid sometimes to admit things like this, but then when I am with them, I feel like things tend to change up, yeah I may seem like I got everything. Caring parents, well in compare to their situation, and just a home I guess. Don’t really have to do chores and such, but then sometimes I wonder, how would life be if I was to be still in Taiwan. I bet life would differ. I would tend to think of the paralleled universe. What if there’s another me, in the same time frame, but she’d be choosing another decision, and whether it’s right or wrong, her life is probably way different from mine. There may be some that is alone, some that’s still with my ex-boyfriend, some partying and having a good time, and just others who are smarter or dumber and perhaps within all those paralleled universe there would be one that have my mom in it. The one where her cancer is cured, or her cancer was discovered earlier and was treated before too late. The one where I’d still be living with her, although I may not have met anyone here, I would’ve been with one of my earliest crush which is now MIA because all I know is his name, and a little bit of his look. Who knew. Sometimes I wish I can go back to the past, and be myself, and choose again and see where I’d end up.  Just sometimes you know.

Colorless Worlds

      It's really been a while since I have written an blog huh? College life seems to be catching up to my social life, or maybe the other way around, and blogging is just another thing that's on the back of my head. A lot of things happened throughout all these times; even though I didn't post a blog, it doesn't mean my life goes happily ever after. Sadly, it may be the other way around.
      I dont know where the bad day should start, or even how. Maybe we should start from before Knotts'. Knotts was suppose to be a trip that we all planned to go, and sadly, with everyone's complication, it just made it hard. It first started out with Friend A's break up with her "boyfriend" which leaves her boyfriend unable to go. Then after, Friend B had an super early curfew of 6, which thus leaving the fun out of the amusement park, since come on, who wants to leave that early if they were to pay $40 something to go to a place. Friend C then bailed out because she appearntly decided to make plans after everything's planned out. And ultimately Friend D calls in sick at the day of the trip. Ultimately leaving me having to cancel all of the activities that day.
      Prior to that day, my college buddies and I hung around this girls' house till 2 playing monopoly deal. Haha we are such geeks. BBQ at her house celebrating Cesar Chaves' day even though we don't even know who that person is. Suprisingly, my mom was still awake at 2 am and caught me home late, and was mad as ever, I mean what can an Asian family's daughter be doing at 2 am with her college friends? Answers normally can be simple and just be reponded with few words, but how are you suppose to say, mom we play monopoly deals the whole night till we are tired of it and went home. Like who in the world is going to buy that?
      By now, you may be bored or tired of this article already, yet kind of felt obligated to read the rest since you have came so far. Well, I am telling you, its not worth your time...so with that in mind, if you have something better to do at this time, feel free to do so.
      Well as I move on back to the point of my story, I was willing to risk my groundingness to hang with my friends at amusement park than to make excuses and cancel, which appearnatly none of my other friends can do. Jenny then was a bit upset, so we planned a hangout at the mall a little after the morning cancellation, but little do I know our wifi router broke down, leaving me connectionless since everything from home phone to computer is "internet-needed". I dont have a cell phone, parents are not home, how in the world am i suppose to contact anyone like that? Appearantly right after Jenny and I planned, Danny and I got in a fight because I inserted Jenny's hangout as a priority, which was then cancelled, and thus pissing me off more. Leaving me with nothingness, I ended up going home after staying in my car for three hour, roaming in my seat aimlessly.
      I began to view the world differently. I begun to see it a little gray, a little black and white. What happened to all the colors, I would ask myself. What happened to all those times where I held my beliefs.

Gone.
Gone.
All gone.

Maybe that's what long term trust gets you,
fucking no where.

Dark-Side ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя ·

      Lies, one by one will catch up in time. Sooner or later you will realize the things that had happen, the things that you have told others, the lies, though may cover that current moment, but it wouldn't be able to cover things forever. Like crimials, thinking that they may be able to hide forever, but there's not a forever in things. Sometimes if destiny doesnt catch up to you in time, death would. Simple enough.
      I have been lying a lot. To many, I may be this one young innocent child who just turned 18, but inside lies many deep dark secrets, lies that I would never risk my life to reveal and lose everything. I know lying in the first place have its consequence. It's either them finding out and you risking to lose things, or you gamble with chance and hope for the best. And that's what I actually do best.
      Many thinks they know me, they know how I work and all, but what they dont know is my evil side, my dark side. I seem like a happy and sunshine person, but inside fill with desire and desperateness for things that I am not able to retrieve. And sometimes that dark side tends to take over me and try to gain what it wants. I can't simply just say I lost control of my good side, because truth is, human is neutral, they have both good and bad sides, but its what they want to pick, and it's obvious for me I'd rather be picking the evil at times even though I knew there would be consequences. Isn't that strange? We knew there would be consequences but the desire is so strong that you would go for it anyways.
      I didn't know about my dark side for a long time. In fact, I didnt know that I had one until recently. It wasn't till present current and I got into a big fight and near break up to make me realize that over time, how much of the evil have taken over me. I was beginning to fear my other side thats starting to mix with my good side. But there have to be an invitation to begin with for that to be able to occur. My evil side obviously didn't wake itself up, but something obviously triggered it. That's the same for everyone. You aren't born with pure evilness, your born neutral in a sense, and the decision to stay that way or not its all up to you and the environment that you live in.
      Where am I now? Am I ready to get to know myself better? Or am I better off just living with the fact of knowing about my little evil side? I question myself sometimes, why would I choose the decision I chosen, but then the answer still remains unclear. It's really funny how things turn out in life.
      Like 01.19.2013.