Half of the story, the whole truth before the relationship. The lies and dishonesty.

So I created a new blog, a blog about my break up with my ex, but then reading through my old blog here "la douleur" today, I realize something. That there are a lot of stuff I have already realized early on but never changed about myself. To me, once I get it, I tend to forget how much pain I was in, and how hard I worked for to get it, that once it's in my hand, I just take it for granted, and then later regret it.
My Blog: Επόμενος
And honestly, it's scary and it's sad. Maybe that is why Pablo (a nickname I been using on my other blog to talk about my most recent boyfriend, because I don't want to use real name on the online blog), broke up with me. Because it's such a repetitive pattern, and all there is is pain time after time. Each time we said things are going to be better, it may go better for a little bit in the beginning and then it goes back to the way it was.
And now he doesn't trust the things I say, and what I do behind his back because I gave him an uncomfortable reason to trust me from the start. Truth, honest truth is, I cannot blame him. I have cheated on him behind his back ever since the beginning even before we started dating, and going out, even before we declared our relationship when we were chasing each other.
I was flirting with other guys, and I was making out here and there, to my heart's content, and it is by far the dumbest thing, which I do truly regret. All those guys I made out with, all those guys I cheated on him with, they were just bad people, people who didn't want to commit, who didn't love me for me, or care about me much, but rather just doing it for the heck of doing it. Yet I was fine with that, not thinking about how much Pablo would be hurt if he knew about all the things I did. Heck, if he ever finds out about all the things I did, there wouldn't ever be a second chance in life I would be able to get back with him, or even talk to him or be in the same room with him ever again. I would most likely be dead to him.
Even though he is the only person who probably knows most about my life, he is also the person who doesn't know a lot of things I did behind his back, and so his guts telling him not to trust me is probably right. Look at how currpted I am, and the ways I am treating him. It's not right, and I don't deserve him.
All he ever does is try to make me happy and all i ever do is try to piss him off because its kind of funny and cute to see him getting jealous over nothing, to see him getting upset. I have some issues.

It started from when we first met around late March, early April. We started talking more and more because of campaigning for student government, and from there got closer and closer I guess. And with the high hormone self, I go all out and try to flirt with everyone. I remember initially I was trying to get at another guy who was running for student government in our group of slate. But then he was too hard to get (and later I realize he is too young to get, barely 18, and not to mention one huge pothaed) and so instead I got someone else reeled in on my fishing hook instead by accident. I mean it isn't bad or anything, but I didn't intentionally get him (and he doesn't know that).
During the campaign period, I was actually still crushing hard on that one guy, let's call him Brian. But Brian was too busy to notice, he was smart don't get me wrong, he was also super good looking, and his green eyes are to die for! But hey, it didn't work out for a good reason, because pot head, no thank you. Although we did go on a retreat to Santa Barbara together, and I did end up kissing on on the side of the mouth (out of a dare on one of the nights).
Anyways, during late March, early April, I went a Spring Conference and there was a night dance afterwards, where everyone got all hot and sweaty. And there were two guys in particular that was short of chasing after me, or in a sense trying to get at me. One Hispanic and one Asian, and as a Asian person, I was of course more turned on by the Asian. And on the dance floor, although both did dance with me, the Hispanic one snagged me first, then the Asian one, but ultimately I slipped out of the Hispanic one's hand to be with the Asian one. (Let's call the Asian one Samsung).
So Samsung and I danced, pretty much rest of the night, and during one of our last songs we danced to, the floor got crazy, and our face got close, hormones got high, and kissed (with tongue and everything), my heart was racing fast, adrenaline was rushing, was turned on, and thirsty for some making out.
It wasn't hard to get some when I wanted some I guess, although I was surprised because there were girls who were prettier than me on the dance floor who didn't get hit on at all. Definitely some weird shit. And one of the people who saw it was soon going to be the one who's going to make me regret doing it, but we can talk about him later. (lets give him a nickname of Lee)
Anyways, he followed me up back to the hotel later,I mean but then the good me didn't want anything to happen, because here may be the plot twist, but I was still in a relationship with Daniel (my ex ex, my second boyfriend) when this all happened ( I didn't even remember any of this till just now, oh shit. I was in really deep shit then. Because I recall phoning Daniel when I was at the hotel during Spring Conference).
Anyways, what the hell am I talking about, the good me shouldn't have even been crushing on other people here and there, and the good me shouldn't even been flirting with other guys to begin with. What the hell, I can't believe I been playing innocent for this long, and I can't believe I have never been caught playing innocent.
People say karma will get you like a bitch, I guess it is coming. All will shit bricks when it comes. Sigh. I been an ass my whole life, I don't know how I am getting so much good blessings in my life for me to be this much ass-y and still get by with it with good people around me. Just exactly how much blessings did I collect in my past life to get this far*(1)?
I treated my first boyfriend like crap over and over, and he still comes back to me. I treated my second one like crap, and he still stuck around for a while, although he is pretty demanding. Then my third boyfriend, well he tolerated me until he can't anymore, which was still a damn long time. I must have collected a lot of blessing for all that to happen. Or maybe they're just stupid to be stuck with me, or maybe I am just lucky, and am going to run out of luck soon if I keep abusing it like that (knock on wood, lets hope not).
But going back to my story, nothing much happened, and the next day, before we departed back to Los Angeles again, he hung with me for a bit, and literally right right before we left, I used toe excuse of getting our president water to go back in the lobby, Samsung and I kissed once more in the lobby (I think our club secretary and internal vice president saw it at that time when they were coming out of the gift shop, but I was too embarrassed to ask what they actually saw, all i know is they saw us getting friendly, but that was it, thank god we weren't close enough for them to spread the rumors around haha). God, the adrenaline just gets me each time. And it's really not like I like him or anything, well maybe I was interested in him, but that was it, it was more of the at the moment thing if anything.
We went back to our lives after, and you know as long as I remember being at the community college I was in, I never really revealed to many that I had a boyfriend, and so most of the time, I was dishonest and told everyone I was single. So besides my high school friends, none of my college friends knew that I had a boyfriend at the time, which makes cheating and flirting a lot easier. And because none of Daniel's friends goes to the community college I go to (well, barely anyways, and if any, they're all fobs, so we don't ever run into each other, thank god), so cheating wasn't a problem if anything. But of course with the way I act during a relationship, having two relationship at the same time will be impossible.
Daniel and I didn't officially break up until sometime in June I believe, or May. Whenever Spring banquet was, was the time where Daniel and I broke up. I can't seem to remember the exact date, but damn, speaking of which, I have two break ups in June now with two different guys. One a year ago, and another one this year. The only difference is there is nobody to replace this one, and I really don't' want anyone to replace this one this time.

I don't know why, but there was something about the photo shoot that makes me remember that memory more in particular than any other ones, maybe it was because he mentioned it to me that he remembers that one or something I don't know. I think it was because he said that he didn't really start noticing me until the photo shoot time. Perhaps the way I dressed or something somewhere along the line? I don't recall much.

Whatever.
But when we truly got close was when my car battery didn't work, due to connection problems. And that day he was with me I guess in the beginning we were working on campaigning together or something, and then he walked me to my car or something, and right when he was going to leave I realize my car battery didn't work, and so I borrowed his phone to call my parents, and I think his phone was dying, and mine already died or something like that.
And then my parents, being the parents they're told me that they weren't going to come and told me to figure it all out myself. And being a child with no knowledge of how to fix my car, besides being told the instruction of whacking my car with a tweaser, I find it hard to repair my car.
Originally he took me to the IT build to the auto mechanic place first, with them saying that the car will have to be brought there in order for them to do anything, and with the circumstance of the car, it was impossible to bring it anywhere.
So next we went to the campus police, or we called, and they said that they no longer help jump cars. And lastly we went to his people, the engineering friends he had, and I think we went to a dude named Brent (yeah he is probably the only guy I will put out real name to, but I doubt he will ever find this blog so it's okay). But anyways, he had jump cords and offered to help, and sure enough we walked to his car, then drove to my car to try to jump it but no matter what, nothing worked. And I guess we (Pablo and I) ended up sitting on the side of the parking lot entrance after parting and thanking Brent for helping us. Then I called my parents again, and finally this time they agree to come and look at the problem.
And somehow my mom ended up just whacking it and it worked on the first try, I was like what the hell, how did she. And Pablo was shocked too, I remember he said, "Wow, I learned something today, that when the car won't start, you can try whacking your battery for it to work." And my mom told us that it was connection problem and then it got awkward because I was suppose to leave the same time as my mom, I guess, but then I wanted to thank Pablo and stuff too, so then I told my mom to go first while I said I was going to drive Pablo to his car.
Which I think I did end up driving him to his car, and then gave him a prolonged hug, thanking him for everything. And that's how we truly started, Pablo and I. Or at least the earliest memories of us being super close.
According to him, we were getting close already via facebook message, but from my memories alone, I think we didn't talk into much depth, he said we did talk about my parents, my sister and all that, but I tell everyone that, and I complain so much that I guess to me it didn't seem like that much. But maybe my memories got fabricated too, so I don't know honestly which is which.
But then agreeably that's where we both agreed where it truly started. He felt emotionally closer to me because he saw the side of me that weren't usually shown to people, the vulnerable side of my who cries, and was weak because nobody was able to help. He saw the pain that I lived through half of my life, the tears of a little girl. Something that many never seen, and honestly something that my first and second boyfriend didn't seen until late. I guess Pablo was something else.
That day was the beginning of the reign, beginning of hope and prolong hugging. It was the start of everything (and yes, I was still with Daniel then).
To me, little flirting doesn't hurt anyone. To me, little flirting, with enough control, will not lead to other things. To me, little flirting, is just to live in the moment, and nothing more. To me, it was a harmless thing.
Who knew that little feeling, that butterfly feeling, that heart skipping, mood jumping moment soon lead to many more unexpected things.
Who knew it lead to more prolonged hugs, lead to longer hugs, hugs that were dry humping, hugs that lasted a few hours, hugs that I didn't want to end, hugs that made my heart skip. And soon, a hug that led to a kiss that soon turned into penis touching, boob touching, and a relationship that lasted 9 month.
But I will save that for my next post.
Until next time.


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1.* so upon Asian superstition, especially the Buddhist believed that how well you're living this life is due to how well you acted last life. So for say, if in your past life, you did a lot of good deed and suffered a lot, in the next coming life, which will be this life, you will be living in lots of blessings. And vise versa, if you acted terribly and been a horrible person in your past life, in your next life, you might just end up on the street or something like that. So it's all about give and take, what you give is what you get, and you know, growing your own fruit of life, etc. But of course, for you to believe that you also have to believe in reincarnation.

The Final Break Up, The Change. Everything will be different from now

            This blog, I call it ℓα ∂συℓєυя , meaning "the pain", expresses the pains and struggle of my life. This blog is my outlet to things I can't normally complain to others, the things I have time to write about in life. Sometimes random, other times on things I just can't figure out on my own. This is like the place where I brainstorm, the place where I think and ponder about life and my decisions in life. Often, about my family and recently, it have been all about my love, my relationships as of latest. Sadly, due to my busy-ness, I haven't been writing very much here, instead I write in my personal journal, which also helped me self discover myself.

            The tricky thing about writing online is trying to keep myself away from real life people who actually know me, that's why sometimes I would unconsciously put my name or someone else's name in by accident. Something my journal wouldn't cause the risk if I don't end up letting it land on the wrong hands of course. 

            But anyways, I been living my life as a pessimistic person, thinking that everyone's going to turn out for the worst if they head for the worst, and etc. It wasn't until recently when I began dating this guy that made me realize the positivity of life. Living believe in the negative things for my whole life, changing a perspective seems nearly impossible but he finally made an impact on me. When he broke up with me (my present), that's when he tapped the glass box I was in for the whole 20 years. He tapped the box where I held my belief so dearly that I don't see all the things people have been telling me for the past 20 years.

            I finally started hearing them for the first time. I mean sure, I hear them every time when they repeat themselves, when they lecture me and tell me not to do it, but then I would do it anyways unconsciously because honestly I never reflect on myself. It wasn't until the break up that I began to reflect on my life, on myself, my personality and my attitude. No wonder there are a lot of people who doesn't like me in life, no wonder there are people who aren't willing to talk to me or look at me a certain way. The way I perceive to others, the way I treat others, it's really hard for others to get close. Perhaps that's the reason why although I got elected into student government office with everyone together, I was the furthest from everyone although everyone were strangers. I was unable to get close to others like how everyone can, and I didn't understand why, but I finally do now.  

            I purposely try to stay far away from people because sharing emotions, and just truly expressing myself seems to mainstream. My ex boyfriend before this one complained to me about how I never shared with him what bothered me. When I cry, when I suffer, when something happens in my family, I would cry to him in person, cry to him on the phone, but I wouldn't usually tell him anything, ever. And he told me that one day I'd be able to find someone who I can truly share all my thoughts and feelings with, because obviously I don't care about him enough to even share anything. And perhaps it's true, that even when we broke up, I couldn't share anything with him, sure there's a part of me who wanted to but I couldn't.

            Let's not even start with the ex before that one, I couldn't even talk about what I want or say what I want around him because I liked him so much I was way too shy to say anything or express anything. And of course, I didn't truly accept him for who he was, because he was in remedial classes and was dumber academically, plus telling me he was going to the Navy, I broke it off with him because I didn't see a future with him.

            And now, enough with break other people's heart and feeling, this current one finally took a stand and broke it off with me. Of course he didn't know the person I was a few years back or probably he'd long break off with me, and or even worst, never dated me.

            But I want to make a change in my life, like I promised myself. I am going to be his positive "bundle of joy" (what he used to call me), even if I can't be with him, the next person I am going to be with wouldn't see the bad side of me, or at least with this much flaws. I am going to make a lot of changes in my life to ensure I don't stray from my path again. I would wish everyone would give me prayers this time around because I didn't realize how much I loved him until I finally lost him. He was so amazing to me, and yet I keep breaking his heart and feeling, making him feel uncomfortable when I know he's already feeling insecure. I knew it in my heart that he was insecure, but deep inside I really liked to see him feeling insecure because it's so cute when he gets jealous. I love that about him, him getting jealous, I guess I like guys who gets jealous, but I shouldn't have let that get out of hands. When my first got with me, he often gets jealous, or I would make him jealous, I guess its something many girls, including me like to do , but such a bad hobbit because I know if anyone would do it to me, I would probably hate it.

            But whatever happens, I really don't know yet, all I know is there will be positive changes. In my heart, I really don't want to lose him, but if I truly have to then I will. Not saying I will completely leave his life, because I know I probably won't be able to ever do that, but slowly leave him until I can one day truly let go.

            Letting go is the hardest process of life, especially when you're so used to someone. This is why I hate relationships, it's like you build this amazing friendship and suddenly all the time and effort goes down the drain, when you break up.

            Next week I am traveling off, and he is going to take me to the airport even though he broke up with me. My last chance to get to talk to him or see him again, properly anyways, as a status of an true ex girlfriend anyways. When I leave for this trip, things are either going to work out, or they're not. I wrote it in my letters all the true feelings I have, along with attaching a journal of my day to day starting from the break up that I am planning to give to him.

            Whether or not he changes his mind and wants to start over with me, and give us a new start over chance, or not, its truly up to him. And there's pretty much nothing I can do but to sit down and pray. People say when you pray hard enough for someone you truly want to keep, God will hear your pray. Although I don't believe in God, I want to use everything and anything I got. I like him so much I don't want to lose him. Ever. I am giving it my all to get this relationship back this time, because there won't be another break up again. And I hope he believes in that too, and that he believes in me, and want to give us another chance at it. If not, my friend are right, I am young, there are chances where I may find better suiters, its just whether or not I want them or not.

           Anyways, I won't be able to talk to him until next week at the week of my department I told myself. Because if my feelings conflict and I talk to him this week, I know I wouldn't be able to go with my words of this change I so desperately want. And so I hope my plans don't back fire on me, and that he doesn't get too used to loneliness and wants to stay alone stay single. There's so much things I hope for in my life, but this is something I truly want and I hope I don't go back and look and regret it one day.

           Readers, please pray for me, pray for good things to happen. Pray my boyfriend would understand me and give me another chance to start over. 

Roses and their meanings

Happy post Valentines day!
Yeah, a few weeks late, I know, I been busy with many things. Relationship is a weird things, so is jealousy. Jealousy can eat someone up inside, can make people do stupid things. And ultimately leads to sad ending of things. It triggers insecurities in people along with cold cold shivers I don't think anyone would like to feel anytime soon.
Valentines are always symbolized with red or pink roses just like how funerals are symbolized with white roses. According to sources as well as my friend who enlightened me, because I never knew the meaning of red roses, but apparently red roses proclaim "I love you." They are the ultimate symbol of romantic love and enduring passion.

So since we're on the topic of roses on their meaning by color, I might as well attach a list of the colors of the roses and the indication of their meaning below. So here it goes!

The color of roses and their meaning: 

The color of a rose can have a very different meaning from what you intend. Whether you are sending a single rose or a bouquet, there is a message to the symbolism. To ensure that your love understands what the particular roses that you bestow mean, check this guide to rose colors and their meanings:

Red Roses
Red roses proclaim "I love you." They are the ultimate symbol of romantic love and enduring passion. 

Yellow Roses
Yellow roses indicate friendship and freedom -- so don't send them if your intentions are romantic and long-lasting; you could actually be insulting the recipient! Yellow roses are also appropriate for sending congratulations to newlyweds, graduates, Texans, and new mothers. 

Pale Pink Roses
Pale pink roses connote grace, gentleness, and gratitude. While they may look youthful and delicate, they are as sturdy as any other rose.

Light Pink Roses
A joy to behold, light pink roses express fun and happiness. 

Deep Pink Roses
Deep pink roses say "Thank you." They have also come to be associated with the fight against breast cancer. 

Lilac Roses
Lilac roses indicate the sender has fallen in love at first sight with the recipient and is enchanted.

White Roses
Pure white roses symbolize truth and innocence. They also send other messages: "I miss you" and "You're heavenly." 

Peach Roses
Peach roses speak of appreciation and gratitude.

Coral Roses
Coral roses express one thing with their passionate color: Desire.

Orange Roses
Orange roses communicate enthusiasm and desire on the part of the sender.

White Roses + Yellow Roses
A symbol of harmony.

Red Roses + Yellow Roses
A message of happiness and celebration.

Red Roses + White Roses
An indication of bonding and harmony.

More Rose Symbolism: 
While roses are traditionally presented in bouquet form, these are also acceptable:

Single Red Rose
"I love you" (but I'm not going to go broke telling you).

Single Rose Any Color
"I thank you" (and I'm still not going to go broke saying so).

Two Roses Entwined
An engagement or marriage is imminent.

So up there is pretty much the meaning for them. So be careful when you're gifting roses to your cared ones, and choose the right set of roses. It's pretty funny because I have actually recieved yellow roses from my ex before, but I love yellow, so that wasn't really a problem. And plus they were dyed in sparkles and wrapped amazingly, how can i ever reject?

Besides that, happy february! And I will try to keep this as updated as possible even though it'd probably just be a blog for me, myself and I. (no readers *cry cry*)


but here attached is a video explaining in more detail i believe....i never really watched it so yeah haha
click me to watch it

Materialistic

I feel like every girl are materialistic at some point in their life. They may not act it, but they think it. Many of the time they think, "oh i am not like everyone else, I am not materialistic." But trust me, if you're not, you wouldn't wish you were part of fairy tale sometimes, you wouldn't get jealous of other people's relationship being perfect, and you wouldn't have a wishlist or a what i am going to get, or what i am going to bribe my boyfriend or a guy in to getting for me. 

I guess the difference is whether you're on the high/point of no return materialistic or just a little materalistic here and there. And honestly i can see myself being in the middle, but not so much anymore now that I am with present because i know of his budget. 

But am I a materialistic person? My ex used to buy me everything I ever wanted because I never got whatever I wanted in my life when I live with my parents. My ex always wanted to compensate for the things I have lost by buying me things, and that is a very nice thing he is doing. He even got a tutoring job because he was unable to afford a lot of things in the relationship that he wanted to afford. He wanted to buy me nice things and take me to nice places and he really works hard for it. And I am honesty grateful for a boyfriend like that, I mean yeah he doesn’t have to actually work to pay off his new car, his dorm, and his tuition, but he does what he can for me because his mom only gives him limited allowance. He is unafraid to spend it all on me, when he is near broke, he still tries to buy me the best things. He watch out for me, and always put me first, and I guess I am used to that kind of care.

Now that I am with present, he doesn’t do the exact same thing as my past. I mean yes he cares for me and he does show lots of patience for me which my past didn’t. he would go out of his way and back in the days, put me even before his education. He valued me pretty high up the chain. Something not all boyfriend would ever do for their girlfriend, especially in these days?

But I guess you always compare it to other people’s best and worst. Sometimes I would think to myself and wonder in the end if this is all worth it. If choosing present was the right choice, because sometimes I feel like he values himself way more than me, and I guess in some sense it makes sense since if you don’t love yourself how can you love others. But then if you love others, won’t you always try to put them first?

When I am sick, when I am on my period, when my throat hurts and when I have a fever, depending on the condition my past would come barring gifts, not just any gifts but porridge or cough drops or food and medications. He would drive all the way from Burbank in the middle of the night in the middle of working on his projects just for me. He would make food and cook for me, and he would always tuck me in and make sure I am not cold when I sleep with him. And offer to take care of me and go stay at his dorm when I am sick because he knows no one would take care of me and no one would even know when I am sick.

On the other hand present sometimes gets me medication with water, he doesn’t offer to get me food when I am sick or constantly ask if I am okay. He doesn’t give me morning text to tell me to eat well and stay warm and dress in jackets. There’s just so much in so much past did that present never did that saddens me. i love my boyfriend, I love present, don’t get me wrong. He have so much flaws, he never cared for another as much as he did for me, I should be happy. I was his first that he have been so patient, so close, so understanding and gave so much chances to. I should be grateful and lucky.

I overlook all his flaws, his mistaken past because I love him, I care a lot for him and I know somewhere inside me I will never leave him. However sometimes I would just wish he’d be more caring in some aspects of life, and put me a little before him, just when I am sick or when I have my period.

Am I being materialistic when I get a little sad of the fact that asking my boyfriend for a item even though he is broke? He called me materialistic, but honestly comparing to how I was when I was with my ex, I don’t see myself being materialistic at all. I don’t even know anymore. What do I do?

Self, stop being ungrateful and be thankful that he have sticked around with you for this long. And I also understand that i shouldn't be comparing relationships since afterall, not all relationship are the same and non of them should be perfect. All relationship have flaws, and this was our flaw. I should embrace it and accept it. Maybe its for the betterment of mankind

Goodbye 2014, hello 2015

Happy new year, happy 2015. A lot of things happened, the good, the bad, and just plenty of drama. Honestly, the year barely started and there are already more drama than there was compare to last year. My present broken up with me once again because he says he wasn’t ready for the relationship. He says that he only cares for me but not love me the way I do and it is unfair to me. That it would be better off if I go find someone else rather than him, I will get treated better and I deserve better. I understand where he is coming at. I know there may be guys that will treat me better, that will probably love me better, and taken care of me better than him ever will, but honestly he is the only one I can see long term. He is patient to me, understanding, and accepts my terrible attitude problems when a lot of the others would turn away or ignore me. He calms me down and tries his best to be there for me, and it was because of me, that caused his past few semester to fail terribly. He had me on his priorities that he didn’t do much else besides seeing me, and that caused an effect that both me and him had to pay. For me, I will be seeing him less because he have to focus on prioritizing his things, and next semester he will be attending to another community college because he failed math three times here, or in this case, withdraw twices and “D”ed once. To be fair, I was only the cause of his two Ws, nothing to do with the “D”, however I was in his math class when he “D” the class. It is weird how I was presence in all of the math failures he had, but because of that he can’t take it at the current community college anymore (well that particular math class anyways).

There were multiple times where I thought about it and i regretted dragging him out and hanging out with him late every day, knowing that he have class the following day. Our relationship was never that healthy to begin with. We had sex nearly every day of the week in the summer, and were inseperateable. The funniest thing to that, well it really isn’t that funny, but I guess you can say the most confusing part of that relationship was we were not together yet. We actually barely started in the summer, and we did it nonstop. At that point, I was confused to what we were, whether he sees us as dating, sees us as a friend for benefit thing or the no string attach thing? Because I was confused down to the last tissue in my body. I didn’t understand what we were doing because all the things happened too fast.

It started when one day he took me out to the mountain to look at views when we were sight seeing because I was stressed. It was beautiful, but we didn’t stay there and view it for long, it was a long quiet period I can recall, but slowly we kissed and from there things escalated quickly. All those times where he’d drive up there into the middle of no where and we’d embrace each other was the nicest times although confusing.

The most embarrassing part to the story I guess was the fact that my ex boyfriend, the only one I had sex with before my present, was Asian, and the stereotypes were right about Asian men with small penises. Because he had a small penis, small and thin, like a stick, and even that hurted when we had sex, imagine how its going to be like with my present, who is not Asian.

I think this is the only time I am going to talk about my sex life, I hate to say this, but I don’t think my ex ever popped my cherry because his penis was too small. Because after the first time with my present, I was bleeding, and he and I never understood why I bled that day, but now putting that logic to it, I meant that would make so much sense.

The truth is, I never liked intercourse until I met him, I guess that day I forced myself to have it, it hurted a lot more than it did with my ex, obviously, but I took it in. And slowly (it still hurts the following few times), gradually, it stopped hurting as much, and now it doesn’t. I guess I am not an exception and there was nothing wrong with my vagina like my ex kept claiming, and I do like sex, I guess its just not something you can force onto someone or pressure someone to like.

He have tried to get me to like it for too much of a time that I guess it builded onto my mind set that I should do it just because it should be done. I never thought of it as a enjoyment, I mean maybe because of porn, it gives this false image of how sex is suppose to be like or how a relationship sex should be like when honestly, it shouldn’t be anything like that.

A couple who have sex is supposed to be at the time when both of them are comfortable in advancing, and ready to advance and their speed. Sometimes one can be slower, and that’s okay, that’s why the other wait, because good thing comes to those who wait. (its ironic how I am the one who says it when I have the least patience, but its true, and I have experienced that myself throughout 2014) For those who actually reads this blog, which probably is close to 0, but for those who do, believe me and all those things I say, because I speak from experience. If one forces you to do things you’re not comfortable doing, then the truth is, they don’t love you and you probably most likely deserve someone better.

Looking back 2014 was truly a unique year where I experienced a lot of things I never knew I’d experience. And I am grateful I experienced them. Now that we are moving on to 2015, I hope things are gonna become better, less sad stories happening and hopefully no more broken heart (present, stop breaking up with me when you’re at your lowest point in life!)

AND LET 2015 START FROM TODAY, FORGET THE PAST WEEKS, BECAUSE THOSE DEPRESSING THINGS DON'T COUNT AND WAS NEVER PART OF MY LIFE! 

Last Chance; day 7 (4-5 more hours)

 Published on

12/28/14 3:26 PM

Pacific Standard Time

As hours are getting closer, I am more and more cold sweating. It’s normal to cold sweat when you’re nervous right? I swear I don’t know why I am having all these types of reaction over him right now. I hate how he is making me feel, and quite frankly I don’t know anyone else who makes me feel like this. And I really hate it, I really hate it. I wish he would know how I feel right now and feel the same way and is only waiting for me to go up to him and confront him of the way I feel. I wish things were that easy, then there wouldn’t be conflicts needed. There wouldn’t be a break up and I wouldn’t need to go through all this. This is stupid. This really is stupid.

I cannot approach the new year with disappointments like this, I cannot approach the new year knowing that he is still broken up with me. I just can’t handle break ups, especially not this one, not losing him. I have lost enough people in my life, and he isn’t going to be one of them because of how much I love him and refuse to admit. I have problems I swear. I don’t start appreciating things until they’re gone. I am so stupid for thinking about this.

I mean I have gotten over my sudden realization, and now I am just spinning in the same mind circle I have been circling for a week already but just a bit more determined than before. Nothing else has changed besides that. I am still confused as ever to what I am going to do tonight, what I am wearing and how I am suppose to react to each of his response. Right now my head is blank, although there are random times where a response or two will flow in, but it isn’t an actual response where I am going to remember when I am in the middle of conversing with him. I mean are you nuts?

I can barely face him and tell him how I feel on regular basis, and now I have to confront how I feel and what I been typing the past few days? If I can barely type it out without stopping here and there you think I can actually let my thoughts leave me head? This is crazy thought. But I know I cant just not try and give up this easily, especially if I care about this relationship at all. I know I cannot. I should not and I will not. Because he never gave up on us, so now during his down time I don’t want to give up on him.

I want him to hear my heart. I have decided and I am not going to go back on the things I say, I am going to try my best not to hold back anyways. Because I know deep down there is no such thing as plan when it comes to a relationship. A relationship is two sided, and one cannot always control the result, because if you keep trying to control it you will end up losing it. Like how I have lost mine, and been in regret this whole week because of it.

Get a grip of yourself, think of what you have to say, and do what you have to do.

Crossing your fingers everyone, I am going in tonight and I need all the support there is from everyone! Pray to the god, pray to buddah, pray to cowlord or whoever you believe please. Pray for my happiness. Please mom, bless me on this, he is the only guy I want to be with, the only one I see myself happy with in the future. Please mom.

Now the question is, should i call him right now and ask if he is free or should i call later so he doesn't get time to think it over? God but if i call later and he end up doing something else, or being busy then i will do all that for nothing. I hate being in love, man this is the time i wish i never loved. Sigh

Sudden realization about two past ago

12/28/14 12:23 PM

Pacific Standard Time

In the book I was reading about love, yeah how pathetic of me. There was a children poem, which in a sense made sense and it a sense it didn’t that I’d like to share…

“Love is something if you give it away,

You end up having more,

It’s just like a magic penny

Hold it right, you wouldn’t have any.

Lend it, spend it, you’ll have so many

They’ll roll all over the floor”

If they don’t love you, truly there is no reason to be holding so tight to it, threaten them, force them will not make love return. If they truly love you, you wouldn’t need to be forced to do things.

In the book it also included variables that influence falling in love, which consist of a listing of 11 items which I do respect. So here it is,

Variables that influence falling in love

1.       Similarity in attitudes, background, personality traits

2.       Geographic proximity

3.       Desireable characteristics of personality and appearance

4.       Reciprocal affection, the fact that the other likes us

5.       Satisfying needs

6.       Physical and emotional arousal

7.       Social influences, norms, and the approval of people in our circle

8.       Specific cues in the beloved’s voice, eyes, posture, way of moving

9.       Readiness for a romantic relationship

10.   Opportunities to be alone together

11.   Mystery, in the situation or the person

The need of satisfaction. It is important to address both your needs and the needs of your candidate for love. In other words, what do you want and what are you willing to give. If you want your needs met in a romantic relationship, you should first figure out what your most important needs are.

^

Man, reading this more and more is making me a little upset about myself, knowing that I haven’t done much for him and he have done so much for me. Its funny because that happened in the last relationship too. I give so much unconditional love to him before we were together, and when we were finally together, I stopped 99% of it, or if not, all of it. And that was one of the reason I think he broke up with me. Wow I literally just had a sudden realization.

 I hate to say this, but maybe I am the one a fault, and maybe I am the one who isn’t ready for a relationship. I thought about whether or not I was ready for a relationship before, but I was too scared to answer my own question, because I don’t think I ever was ready. Which lead me to many mistakes.

My last last boyfriend, who is also my second boyfriend literally forced intercourse. With us all stupid and new at this, he was influenced by drama, books, tv show and porn that in order to be intimate, in order to be in love, sexual intercourse must happen. He kept bringing up the topic which I didn’t like because back then I wasn’t ready for it, I didn’t even want sexual intercourse. In fact I hated it.

Honest story though, there was the one day where he was over at my house and tried to take my pants off, I refused and he just kept going, trying to take it off even though my arms were there pushing him away, trying to keep my pants on. And I cried that day, I cried because the guy I dated doesn’t know when to stop, doesn’t know that his girlfriend felt uncomfortable. Being freshly out of high school, things all seem to be happening to fast. And maybe that is why porn were resriticted to 18+, because for those who are under are just not mentally ready. Or at least I wasn’t. Let’s call him Daniel.

Daniel had so much expectation that he expected me to fill, so much things he demanded me to do. And wow, thinking about it now, it feels as if I am becoming the new him and my ex is being the old me. As crazy as this sound but I don’t get these sudden realization until now. It’s crazy how things in my brain words. God I am stupid.

When we first got together(“Daniel and I” that is), even before, he told me, “I am going to be a bad boyfriend, are you okay with that?” I didn’t say much, all I did was hug him and nodded. And that was pretty much how we got together. No will you be my girlfriend, will you go out on a date with me. I just accepted him for who he is. And of course I guess that relationship was in a way kind of a abuse. Because the first year, he had so much on going expectation that he expects me to meet.

He wanted me to write a paragraph each month about the relationship. What I liked about it, what I hated about it and how we can improve. I thought he was nuts, because honestly no one does that in the relationship. And he forces me to a point where I had to do it. And he said he would do one in return too. But to have all my thoughts written down when I have no idea what is going on or how I feel (because that’s usually me) its just plain stupid. Having me as his first girlfriend and was already that demanding. But I was desperate for his love, for his approval. I wanted to move on from my first, I wanted to forget about him, I wanted to truly be free, so I didn’t mind it. Every month he demanded and expected more, and it got stressful, I cried, we fight, but I would carry on. Things got worst when he suggested sex. I thought having sex is gross, I liked foreplay because that was something I was beginning to accept (but then back then foreplay was just kissing…even kissing, it took us 3, 4, or 5 month to get to that stage. Crazy stuff, and I guess what was even worst was I love you took me about almost a year to say it. It’s hard when you want to mean it, and with my shyiness, god I might as well die before it comes out of my mouth. And for those who knows me know I am not that cheesy to a point I will be like god I love you. Even then we I was a year after in the relationship, I love you isn’t something I would say on daily basis. And I guess for my ex is just the same thing like how I was. God now I can see a old me in him. Which is a little scary. Because if he follows my path, he isn’t going to get back with me unless I truly touch his heart and kept trying. And that’s if he doesn’t find me annoying and lose interst in me because I am chasing him. Oh god please don’t be like the old me.). so where were we before we started going all off topic here?

Oh yes, there was this one time where he tries to take off my shorts, and I cried, because if you love someone you wouldn’t force them into something they don’t want to. And I know deeply that he wanted that badly, but I didn’t. and just because he wanted it doesn’t mean he should force me if I don’t want it. And at that point he doesn’t understand that, I guess he was too blinded by male testosterone to see my pain. But at times I would cry myself to sleep thinking about it. Finally I have agreed to have sex with him when I comes to our one year, because he said that if its any longer than he would break up with me. Knowing its my weakness, he uses break up extremely often there forth. I hated that about him, but every time I wanted to break up with him, I would say no to it, because what are the chances that someone would accept me again. Back then I wasn’t popular, and to get a guy to notice me is already impossible, I probably liked him a lot, but I don’t think it ever made its way to love.

Every month, at some random time we would talk about it and he would try to get me to accept it and do the sexual intercourse early, which I refuses, because back then, I was naïve and innocent. Not understanding much sexual jokes, not to mention my strong beliefs in not having sex until after marriage. It’s crazy how they all changed now. I guess sex isn’t something I can do with anyone. And its crazy for those who can go on one night stand and be totally okay with it, because honestly that’s not something I’d do ever. I might at times maybe I would sound like I’d be down, but that’s just my boldness talking, the chances of me actually following through with it is in the negatives.

Man, I typed this originally to recite it back to the book, who knew that I would end up having that much sudden realization everywhere. Oh god geezus.

Okay I think I need to take a break and just process all these in my head now. Everything is happening so fast, oh shit.

Wow….

Im still stunned.

Ill probably post another one later in the hours, when I calm myself from all these realization.

Sister is cooking KBBQ wrapped with taco stuff too. So I’ll just eat that and think things through. But oh man…I don’t think…wow…okay until later! Oh god.

Credit of the beginning goes to "Falling in Love : Second Edition (why we choose the love we choose) by Ayala Malach Pines"

Today is the day (Day 7)

Today is the day, either go big or go home because it is probably the last shot you got to get him back. Well that is if he picks up your phone and can actually make out time for you to see him and talk to him without straight rejection like last time.

Of course, there is no crying, no backing up on words and no saying nothing. Your attitude must not go overboard nor should your emotion, because once he detects that he will forsure reject it thinking that he was right the first time. Time have given some distance, but hopefully just enough to make each other miss each other just that much to talk.

Keep in mind the reasons he told you why he doesn’t want to be with you, and don’t stab him in the area. If you want, talk around the area, and slowly make your way to the area. I know that you’re patientless, but this is a critical point where you need to speak up about what you believe, filter things our and keep only the parts he wishes to hear at the downest time. I know you suck at comforting, so I am expecting a full on non critical on your part apology rather than trying to comfort someone because I know you can’t do it. And I am pretty sure he is well aware of it as well.

There are also things to keep in mind. That if you want anything to work, you have to get the right timing for everything, no trying to molest him before speech even begin, break the silence and talk about your feelings full on, because the chances of this happening again will be back down to 0 after this. It’s a long shot, but it’s the only shot.

At this point, I am not sure knealiing is any good since if he already have a terminal decision for things, the chances of changing it is hard. And he have already self convienced that he shouldn’t have you in his life, just forcing him into situations like that will only make it harder.

Talk to him like two adults, like two mature college students, don’t cry too soon, because that will devalue your cries. I hate to say this, but crying devalues each time you use it, and quite frankly you have used it quite a few times.

Giving myself the pep talk 7:45am in the morning through blogging is interesting because I can’t sleep so I have to do this. I mean its not like sleeping is a option anyways since even when I am asleep, all I dream about is him and I, me and him, me trying to get him back, and him running away and pushing me away and stuff. I mean really is nothing new, but then because I know today was the day, I guess it just makes me unless able to sleep.

Hopefully he is able to pick up the phone or else everything here wil be and shall be useless.

Let’s pray for the best and hope for the best, because I really don’t want to lose the love of my life just because we are on his downhill side. I want to be there for him at his downs just like how he have been there for me at mine downs. I want him to believe that we will work out for the best. I really truly do.

I cant believe I am this much in the love hole that I can’t dig myself out. I can at this point make fun of myself, ruin myself to get him back. Stupid things you’d do for love huh?

Wong fu Prouction, Strangers Again

Everyone in this household went to watch mockingjay leaving me here by myself, which is a little sad because I watched the midnight release with AS people. Sigh, I mean yeah I guess I had a great time but still. Is it crazy to miss someone that much? I am now unsure if its because I haven’t had a break up in a while, or with the fact that I am more emotionally attached to him that makes all the transition hard. Or maybe it’s the fact that I don’t want to completely let go. I mean I tried, but I can’t. I love him too deeply to let him go, or even imagine him being let go. I don’t want us to become stranger again, I don’t want any of that to happen.

Reminds me of the video from wongfu, strangers again.

[insert link here] -> bam

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSdELZxEnHY

for those who doesn't have time in their hands for this amazing film, feel free to just watch the trailer, but you will only want to watch the whole thing after that. But here's the trailer! 

STRANGERS, AGAIN
Every relationship goes through stages. Where and how each stage develops is ultimately up to each person. While we always hope for the best, we often can’t avoid the inevitable. Josh and Marissa are at a crossroads and their future is uncertain. Josh guides us through each stage of the relationship as it formed and as he predicts it will end up as.

In the video, wongfu talked about the different stages relationships are in, which are pretty true.

Stage 1 Meeting – First time you saw each other

Stage 2 Chase – Getting to know each other

Stage 3 Honeymoon – In relationship where you can do anything you want as a couple

Stage 4 Comfortable – Comfort you feel when your together

Stage 5 Tolerance – Excuses make to make distance

Stage 6 Downhill -the effort to try to make things work

Stage 7 Breaking up – Better to end it all.

However we missed a few stages here and there, or the stages don’t exactly happen right then and there, but eventually it lead to break up. First I thought it was ridiculous and that relationship should never be like that, but now thinking about it my past relationships were all pretty close to that besides the last one. Even though we fight a lot, we never made excuses to not see each other, and its because we can’t even make excuses, especially him, that caused this break up. Because he can’t get his priority straight.

Half of me, or probably less than half of me thinks that moving on would be better because in the end he wouldn’t want to take me back in to repeat his mistake even though he didn’t try it out. But the other 60-70% of me wants everything to work. Its probably at 80% now, but that doesn’t matter. Because my brain and my heart wants this to continue, while to him, he thinks that its only logical to break up.

I swear I have never wrote so much about one relationship in a spam of one week, I must be insane to go on to this level of writing when usually I give up on writing so easily. I guess I needed something to fill up my gap so my thinking process doesn’t go all crazy and stuff.

Why do you drive me crazy like this. Why can’t I just forget about you like how I forgot about my ex? How long does it take for you to figure out that I need you in my life or else I won’t be able to function? You idiot, letting go so easily. You idiot, you idiot. Ugh.

Night Terror (day 6)

Talk about night terror, can’t sleep longer than two hours without being waken by a night terror. God help me, my heart is pounding hard right now, still trying to absorb the shock I have taken in due to the dream.

At this point you may wonder what it is, well, its obviously about the break up. It was I guess taking place in the retreat that we were suppose to have next week, and instead of sitting in the front, he sat in the back with his close friend, who is a girl. And of course, now that we’re over, I have no right to be mad, but I am of the fact that he won’t look at me, and he would purposely turn away like if its no one’s business. I gave her the glance, and I guess she knew why and then she asked him why he broke up with me. And from there, I think someone tried to come and talk to me, but I was too busy easdropping on the conversation that I eventually pushed them away telling them to come back later because they just won’t shut up even when I tell them to. I guess eventually we were all standing during break or something (it was a movie showing in a room I guess with chairs lined up), we stood up and he and I were next to each other at one point, and he made the first talk, he said “what do you want?”

I only frowned and looked at him, thinking his crazy, “if I tell you what I want it doesn’t mean I am going to get it.”

“you might.” He smiled, which gave me this reall false impression that felt fake to begin with but I dragged him out. And she followed, which I don’t understand why, because we were having a private talk but I guess I had to do it when shes there. And its like, having to say to one person who you truly care about, how you feel about them isn’t enough yet, you have to say it to their best friends face too.

But of course, even when I said it, he still said no, but this time he said, “maybe in the future, but not now”

I begged him, I told him to try, to at least try. But he cried a lot ( I swear at some point in time he turned to a girl but idk…) we were hugging the whole entire time when we were outside by the balcony and we were both just crying, but he was really really crying.

Before anything happened, I woke up wanting to cry, extremely tired, and wish I would’ve at least heard the answer. Maybe the answer isn’t shown for a reason, maybe it’s foreseeing something. Who knows, I just know I can’t take this on any longer or else I might as well go crazy, because I feel like 2 hours of sleep is already on my way there.

Maybe packing my brain with memeories I shouldn’t remember during the first week of break up is a bad thing, and that typing a 10 page summary about the breakup and how our relationship started just doesn’t help at all.

I don’t even know anymore.

God help me, I swear if I don’t get back with him I might go insane or not sleep at all and probably die young.

Why is everything so hard to forget and get over? Maybe I am holding on to it a little too tight, I mean he seems to be sleeping fine, but then again I am not talking to him so how would I possibly know. 

How everything fit in; story of how everything came to be p2. (day 5)

Been rolling in bed since 3am in the morning till now, 5:21am in the morning. The consciousness and actualization of the break up won’t let me sleep. And seeing my ex active on facebook half an hour ago just doesn’t help but make me think he have the same problem, but then I could be wrong. Stupid social media, gotta tell you everything that you do and don’t want to know.

I guess this is just a sign that I should continue where I left off earlier today, or yesterday, or a few hours ago. Like who knew I was gonna end up not sleeping for a while.

So where was I? I think we left off at the place where we were campaigning and we won, which helped me determined that I should continue whatever was happening between me and him. So that whole summer we had one of those summer flings, the only difference is it lasted. We saw each other discreetly, never really went out on dinner however, which was the weirdest part, because I think everyone else does the opposite of what we do. That summer I think we even hit home run without declaring a status between us, which I was just plain confused about. I wanted to ask him what we were but I was afraid, well more like shy.

Thankfully everything sorta resolved (well not really), but we kinda talked about it when he spent a weekend at my house because my parents had left for mexico or something like that, leaving the house empty and I had him come over and slept over. It was the most amazing weekend, well besides the fact that we didn’t do anything productive, and I think I starved that weekend and I wasn’t up all about the keep asking him to buy food deal. But besides that I had fun, being able to spend every second with someone I care for was just a dream come true I guess. I think one of those nights something depressing came up, some thought or something, I think. And I distanced myself from him, resulting in a whole night of idk what we were even doing, but then the following day we briefly mentioned about the boyfriend and girlfriend topic. And I recall I was like, “yeah you never asked me so it doesn’t count” and he nodded, saying “yeah….” I think that was it. Yeah it really wasn’t a actual talk but hey, what else did you expect from a relationship that started with not that much talking. (haha)

A month later from then I think, or a few weeks after he asked me to go out and eat I guess. Not using the word a date or anything, but when he came, he asked if I was dressed nicely, and told me to do it if I haven’t done so. And I recall replying him with, “well unless you’re coming in a suit and flower, I am not gonna dress nice.” And that silenced him, which was kinda true, I mean he wasn’t dressing that nice, he had a oversized collar green shirt with jeans. And trust me, he could’ve done way better than that when it comes to dressing, so I was kinda glad I didn’t. plus we ended up going to Korean BBQ, which I was thankful I didn’t wear something nice for, because those oil smell stain stays with you kinda forever. He GPSed it because i think it was his first time there, it was pretty interesting how it turned out. I remember getting mad at him for not raising his hand and the service took forever (god my patience just get the best of me sometimes), and I also got into a little quarrel with him about how you’re supposed to use your hands for the rice wraps not chopsticks. And he told me that that’s how his friends and him ate, I know that day I was just giving him a hard time. And that day on the way there to KBBQ, we walked a block or two and saw one of our acquaintance, well or mine at least…awkward?

But the night didn’t turn out that nicely as he planned it I guess, but he learned something about be that day. I liked babies, because I would smile each time there was a kid that passes by the window (okay, straighting things out, babies are cute, no creepy intentions okay?). I don’t know how he lasted that dinner with me, because I don’t even think I would’ve lasted that dinner with myself. I think the whole reason why I was just grumpy was because I didn’t know how to act around him since I don’t think we ever had an actual date. And I think that was how I acted when me and my first went out on a movie date, which was our first date. I literally refuse to order food because I insisited that I wasn’t hungry when in all honesty I was just too shy to order and eat in front of him.

Later when we finished up eating, and headed back to the car, I guess I was grumpy all the way, or so the way I recalled it (when truly I don’t think I was that grumpy, but my stubbornness just refuses to let it go). But he opened the door for me, sat me down, and went to the trunk, where he got out a giant minion and came back, handed to me and asked, “Jenny, would you be my girlfriend?” and gave off this signature laugh of his, which I often admire him for. He was able to laugh off anything, its something I liked a lot about him, something I lack in having and I enjoy him having it around when we’re together.

Maybe I was with him because of all the positive attitudes. He was like the positive spot in my life, he was the bright light that drags me out of darkness when I was in one. He lights my path when it grows dark, and he is there when I am alone.

Of course, I didn’t give him a response right away. I mean yeah I thought about it a little, and I wanted to say yes, but then with my shyiness, please, it would be a surprise if I actually said anything but negative words. I don’t know if he have noticed this before, but I only say negative things or complain when I get nervous about someone, or something. So I mean, if I am super nice to you, then there’s something wrong with that picture. But that whole hour or half an hour we stayed there we just say in the car and starred at each other, I felt really bad because I know he was expecting a “yes” or something like that. Actually, he just expected an answer rather than silence treatment. And I remember clearly as if it was yesterday, that smile he initially had was drastically changed into this upset laugh, then frown, then upset laugh again.

“Soooo..?”

“What..?”

“You haven’t answered my question yet?”

“Well….” Long pause, “I don’t know….”

[insert upset laugh here] “how can you not know?”

“I just don’t…”

I think after a while he was upset to a point where he thought I was just too scared to reject him that he said, “you know if you don’t want it, at least say it, you don’t have to pull it back” or something like that, it was pretty close idk

I mean it took forever that eventually we drove back to my house, and I still didn’t give him an answer by the end of the day, and I recall how frustrated he was, and I felt extremely bad too. He would bring it up once in a while, but I think eventually, a week or two later I accepted. I said the yes he always wanted to hear. And from there on everything was history ish.

I mean who knew 5 month and a week or so later from then we would actually break up, and who knew we would get into that many fights. I regret everything we have done, I guess it happens when you break up with someone. But I don’t know why this one is just extremely hard to get over.

I don’t even know why I wrote so much about me and him and our history here when I never wrote about any of my other exs. I guess he is literally the only one I actually cared this much about. I mean hey, if I can’t sleep for a week because of him, that must mean something, like he is special or something. I don’t know how he is doing right now, but I wish he could text or call him or something…

God I think something is wrong with me to be up this late continuing to write about us when there isn’t a us anymore. What am I even doing, I should be sleeping too. Life really just makes me upset sometimes.

I guess this is more productive though, I mean 45 minutes just passed by while typing this. 5:51am now, I mean its not like I like the fact that time passed, but I have decided that I will call him tomorrow night and go over to his house and talk with him over. I had everything planned in my head, but sometimes I question the things I plan in my head so I don’t know how well this is going to go.

I wanted to talk it over, apologize for all the things and problems I have caused him. Apologize for having him lose himself in the process of this relationship, apologize for losing his priority, for losing time with his project, education, academic, work, friends, and family because of me. For being unable to stay on top of his work because of me. Apologizing for insisting on spending certain times together when I know he already have other agendas to deal with. Apologizing for everything that he was ever upset about the relationship, apologizing for the fact that all those assets lead him to not want a relationship. Its partially my fault that he ended up here. And I think the talk about how I am disappointed in him just doesn’t help that day when we broke up, because during text, I recall him saying that a lot people have been disappointed in him recently, from close friends to family because of how he doesn’t do well in school work and home because he can’t prioritize his time.

I want to tell him that I want to work with him through his struggle, that I would make time for him and he doesn’t have to always make the time for me as long as he rememebers I am there. That I will be there for him and support him until he gets up off of his feet. I don’t want this relationship to break up just because of this, I want it to be stronger, I want him to believe in us, believe that we can pass through this together rather than breaking apart. I don’t want him to have to face everything by himself, I want to be there for him just like how he had been there for me. He just means that much to me. And it crazy that none of these words will probably ever come out of my mouth because of how inward I am when it comes to talk about feelings. I guess it really takes a break up for my feeling to surface up and touch my outside, but its too late when that happened. Stupid self.

I want him to see and believe in me, believe that I will assist him to do his best so he doesn’t have to be alone, that he doesn’t have to go through all these alone. I want to spend every last moment with him until the end of dawn, whatever that means. I love him a little too much to leave him behind, and I hope he feels the same way about me. It’s not about following the heart or the brain, its not about which one comes first, its about how you can put two together and still make it work. And I want to help us to do just that. I don’t want to pain us anymore with the break up, and I don’t want to spend the rest of this year not being with him, and I don’t want to spend my 2015 regretting not doing a thing about it because I truly love him.

This sound like the cheesyiest confessional letter I have ever wrote in third person. I am not sure if I ever will have the guts to share it with him, but there will come one day when that happens if things worked out of the best. I don’t want to lose him, I really don’t. and at this point I think everyone around me, which is just 3 friends I guess, knows how much I care for him, and I hope he can see it too.

I really hope I can survive through the next 36 hours fine, because it will probably take 36 hours until I finally approach to call him and see if I can meet with him. I am going to take my chances. And I hope everything will turn out for the best, and when I say the best, I don’t mean what he meant by the best, what he believes to be the best, but what actually is the best for both of us.

Please let a miracle happen. 6:08am

How everything fit in; story of how everything came to be (day 5)

(warning, the style of writing is those quick writes, i write what i come to mind, unless i word things wrong, i don't back space, so you may see me repeat a few things here and there, it just shows how legit this is, coming fresh out of my brain without modification.) #respect

I feel like I will be far more active now in compare to before because of the break up. Does it make me sound like someone who doesn’t have a life? I hope not. Haha, its just I used to use up so much of my time in the relationship that time went by so fast, now that that part of my life is over, a lot of slots just emptied out. And I really am not used to it, maybe that is why I have such an urge to get back with my ex, because I want to quickly refill that hole that was once covered. Like body want to stay hemostasis, my mentality likes the fact that it is packed with things to do and heart capacity is used to having a company inside there. And now its empty, its craving for someone new or something to fill it up. Lucky for my ex, he have so much things he needs to do that I don’t think he will be needing to worry about filling that space up.

I hate the way he thinks, the way he believes that it is okay to just leave the relationship just because he doesn’t have the time for me. I know sometimes (which is most of the time haha) I am hard to talk to, especially listening to other people’s opinion. To me, my personality is either my way or no way, and usually people around me are all really lenient when it comes to decision making, and most of the time I help them make the decisions because they either respect me for the advice or they really just don’t care and would go with anything. I love and hate that about everyone around me, because one, I get to take in control about practically everything we do, and at the same time it could sound like other people’s idea, so I am not dictating and people don’t realize that, and I get what I want in the process. However on the other hand, it makes people really dependent on my decision making that sometimes it just frustrates me, because when I am stressed or really truly tired from school, or from just all the decision making, I still have to end up making the decisions.

Speaking of which, it reminded me that there is a student government retreat coming up in January. What you guys don’t know is my ex and I share the same cabinet when in comes to student government. So unlike other relationships, where I don’t have to see them if it doesn’t work out, this one I actually have to see until the end of Spring, well unless we both decide to run again and win by some lucky chance, which I kinda doubt.

It’s been a while since I was gone I might ask well inform everything all at once so I don’t have to keep going back every single post when it comes to something I need to talk about from the past. So simply, I knew my ex (the one who broke up with me a few days (2 btw) before Christmas (damn Grinch)) long before we actually officially knew each other. I guess we can call ourselves acquaintances  if anything. We were classmates a year back in Fall 2013, he sat right next to me ironically, and we did some how exchanged number in the middle of the semester when I asked him if he wanted to study one day because I kept slacking off and I thought studying would be nice with a classmate, and in addition, I was going to be absent, so I thought I could get notes and homework from him. Plus he sits next to me and stuff so it all makes sense. He would from time to time pick on me, slam my phone down the desk and tell me to get off of my phone because I would play my games (Hayday) or watch Netflix (I think at that time was desperate housewives, but I am not too sure, some drama…wait okay I am sure its desperate housewives…yeah…yeah that was what it was…ahhh I never get to finish it though…but I should). But then I would get frustrated, because one, I don’t even know him and he is slamming my phone to my desk? And two, he isn’t so much better himself since he was using his phone too. But that was pretty much all there was to that friendship, nothing more besides classmate.

We never talked again because I mean I texted him one time, about what our homework was, and yup, no respond, and I was like fine, move on to the next person. Honestly, I just said screw it. Little did I know that his screwed up phone never received my message (and that’s why you don’t have Samsung, because iPhone rules the world, sorry Samsung and Asian world). Anyways, it wasn’t until a semester later in Spring that we met up again. Well I mean I am pretty sure I met him else where and we probably passed by once or twice, maybe exchanged eye contact or something but nothing else. But anyways, I decided to run for student government because I was in publicity committee for student government that semester, and it turned out fun, I enjoyed what I was doing and I thought to myself, hey I can do this for longer term and actually get the credit for doing it? Sign me up! And a little before that I officially befriended with two friends that changed my future forever. Those two friends I met aided me and decided to join me and run for office (of course for different positions, or else we wouldn’t have been friends, haha just kidding), and soon we decided to run together as a slate (or so they call the group that runs together these days). As we soon finalized the decision, we starting grabbing people who were interested in running, of course trust worthy people. Along the road there were people who was unqualified for the positions and of course had to drop, but then for those who stayed for the ride, we became closer. And surpsingly enough, the guy who I met a semester back that never texted me back? He was invited in our slate by one of my closest friend. And from there sparked happened. I mean it wasn’t much of a spark that happened because the funny thing is the close friend I was talking about is actually gay, and he and I had the same tiny crush on the third guy we were both friends with, the three musketeers who first started the slate, I guess we can call ourselves the founding father and mother of the slate. The third guy (I guess that will be his name for now) was attractive, well, a pretty boy. And of course when you see a pretty boy, you would go all awh over him, and that’s what we did. Ironically enough, none of us got him, (of course) but oppositely I got closer with the guy I met from a semester ago that was in my class. Yes, within a few month he was my ex (well not my ex ex, what I meant was he became my boyfriend, or the guy who is now my ex. Get it? Sorry for the confusion).

The way we got together wasn’t really that that romantic, I mean we started out giving longer and longer goodbye hugs, and of course, my heart would race faster and faster each time we hug longer, and soon it became a thing to hug longer. And I didn’t want anyone in my slate to find out, and I don’t think he did either (or probably under my influence he didn’t want anyone to find out) but I would stay extra long, extra late on purpose even though I am super tired just to be the last one out the house when we work together, or the last one to leave (since when we work we usually work at his house since my ex’s house is the closest with a 5 min drive in compare to everyone else’s house). But trying to get closer to him was hard because I don’t think he ever noticed or tried to get my signals early.

There were times where I drove him home, and I would wish for a kiss, lean my face super close to his, sometimes close to his lips, nothing. It look about half of a month after I met him that we begun those hugs, and it took a whole month or two from the time we officially became a little closer that we kissed. It was awkward at times because I don’t know when to let go, in the beginning I remember those nights where we would hug for hours. I loved the feeling of him holding me in my arms, it felt extremely nice to have someone to hold me in their arms and didn’t want to let go. And it was even nicer to want to hold someone and never want to let them go. Sometimes I would wish the time would freeze right there and then and just never continue, because I’d rather die in that moment than another other time. I was happy. Only if the then me can see what happened now and prevent it all from happening.

I remember feeling started when he skipped a class for me to try to help me start my retarded car that wouldn’t start all due to stupid connection problem that even his engineering friends couldn’t help with. We were literally there for two, three hours, calling campus police, going to our college’s autoshop class, bringing his friend with his jump cord and nothing worked that we had to call my mom and with a hit of the wrench it worked. I remember showing him my vulnerable side that day, he’s probably the only one who ever saw that side of me then, and I was thankful he was the first one, because he’s the only one that I want to let, to see that vulnerable side of me anyways. I really felt so bad that day, him having to skip his class for me and he barely knew me (and at that time I think my phone died or something, or it didn’t get signals, and his phone was dying too making reaching my mom way harder). Ever since then we got closer. I guess if it wasn’t for the car, for my stupid car, we wouldn’t have gotten together. It’s crazy I never thought about that until now.

I recall clearly that that day after my mom yelled at me a little more for being useless, I told her to go home first because I had to take him to his car which was at the other parking lot, mostly I just wanted to give him a giant giant hug from being there for me because I really wouldn’t know what to do then without him that day. Especially ditching his class for me? Seriously.

Then following that event, I think the next event was when we had to film our video, and I skipped my babysitting, got yelled by my sister, got in more trouble and was punished with two extra babysitting dates in exchange for leaving a few hours to film that stupid video, only to realize our film person weren’t able to make it. (Yup, that’s right, we never got to film that video) Which got me really mad, because I sacrificed for nothing and had to double that babysitting stuff. And I had to get back at 4 o’clock that day too (not event getting a whole day off), so before we parted after lunch I think we had? I don’t remember but he and I were by my car because I think he dropped me off there, and I hugged him and gave him a, then what I considered as “long-hug” hug ( I would say maybe 4 minute?), which really wasn’t that long in compare to all the hugs that followed it, but back then that was the longest hug I’ve had, and plus because I was already running late to return back to babysit I really couldn’t give him a hug any longer.

But from there on forward, the next time I remember giving him those long hugs were just days after we work on posters and banners together. We would get those orange and white banners from the office and with his markers, we spent hours after hours working. Oh wait, no…we were working on our personal statements that is required to petition for campaigning, yeah that’s it. So we would work from afternoon to past night time at his house. From sitting on the couch properly, to lying on the floor crying over not knowing what to write and whether the quote that we put into our statement was good enough because one person had to start the stupid quote thing. I mean yeah we look all professional dequoating the quote and relating it to our position and why we’re running but looking back it is just funny how we struggled over them more than our personal statements. Well, or at least I did.

Anyways, I really wanted to leave at one point because staying up late and having to drive 30 minutes home really just wasn’t my forte. It never was and to be honestly honest, I have never done it (the driving after 12am part….well besides when I used to work at teaspot until 12am, but that’s different) and to do that all just for long hugs from him is just about the craziest thing I have ever done then. I said bye to everyone, and as they all drove away one by one, leaving just me and him, he walked me to my car, which really was only 0.1 block away from his house. Then from there we would hug for 3, 4 hours, and the craziest thing is I wouldn’t feel cold, I wouldn’t be tired even though back in the house, while lying down I was tired as heck. And I remember asking him if he was tired while hugging me, and he said that surprisingly he wasn’t either. Its funny how things turned out. We didn’t say much, in fact, we didn’t say anything at all, we just stood there, by my car, and hugged. I loved it, every single second of it. The hug made me warm, I guess mostly was because it was a new love, it was exciting, it got my heart beating. It made me feel something I haven’t felt for a long time, while driving home, I questioned myself if it was wrong, that whether or not it was just a fling that would end. Maybe it was just because I wanted a relationship badly that I felt that way then. I told myself it’s just a phase and it would fade away, and I shouldn’t be putting much expectation in it. (After that day, I think we had a couple more times at his house, where we would hug long time just being there…I think…) I would always want to progress things by trying to lean towards his face, but he is so slow that he never sees it or he tries to avoid me. Sometimes I would drive home questioning whether or not he likes me, I really don’t understand boys. I would have those dialogue with myself, being like, “does he really like me?” “is this really just a fling?” “what is he doing? Is he stupid?” “is he trying to avoid my face?” “am I not making it obvious enough?” “does he not want to kiss me?” “what if he doesn’t like me?” “if he doesn’t like me, then why will he give me those 4 hour hugs? You’re over thinking…” sometimes I would just tell myself to stop making logic, and that the time will come when it comes.

There were a time where I drove him back to his house because I don’t know where we went or why he needed a ride, but anyways, while driving back, because my headlight was off I got pulled over by the police, and I don’t think that was the first time I got pulled over either ( I think it was the second or third that month, its just really not my month that month, I mean its not like I got tickets or anything, but just having a cop going after you scares the crap out of you okay?) but afterwards (thank god she didn’t take a record and only gave me a warning because I didn’t have my registration), but we just stayed there, I was scared to my death, my body was shaking for the terrifiediness of being pulled over so many times, and how close I was to paying for a ticket for not having my headlights on. And the thing was, we got pulled over right when we were about to approach his house, where I am dropping him off (literally like 0.3 blocks away) but we both stayed in the car, I leaned all the way onto the passenger side of the car, I never admitted it to him that I recall that night or recall what I was doing, but I really was approaching for a kiss. I remember leaning super close and falling asleep near him, wanting him to have some kind of response, yeah kinda lame I know, but I mean we were already doing long term hugging, why doesn’t he get the signal that I wanted a kiss? (he later admitted that he was slow ha-ha, well I am slow when it comes to love too so its really okay, especially since it was kinda his first time)

But there were another time, I am not sure if it’s the same time where he asked me if I want to rest a bit in his house or a different time, but some type of time some day, idk when or why, I know I was tired or something and he asked me if I wanted to rest in his house. Oh wait wait…I think it was the day we were making the banners. He and I was the last one remaining in his house, so we sat there on the couch, I was using him as a pillow ish, and we just sat there after things were all cleaned up, and I think I complained about being tired? And I think he offered his room (yes for me to rest, don’t get the wrong idea from someone who can’t even pick up a when to kiss signal) for me to rest, and I agreed and asked him to give me a piggy back ride to his room. And I wrapped my arm around him from the back by the neck for a good period of time, and we just sat there because he takes forever to move, well not to blame him, but I think we were just both enjoying being alone at that time, by then, I know for sure that we both had feeling for each other, because of the way we acted. That was probably the climax of he climax when it came to the chase. We both had our hearts racing for each other and with the silence of the room, we just hugged. He eventually carried me to his room (he sucked at piggy back rides, and still does, because he can’t hold people by their legs, I don’t understand why) but I recall there were a lot of laundries being hung, and with his room behind the laundry room, having me crashing into hangers a lot was just unpreventable. I was totally fine though. I thought then was the time where we were gonna kiss, but then we were even further apart that we were when we were on the couch. And discovering the fact that he had a boner from all of that and was trying to cover it with his pillow was the cutest thing ever (because I think I discovered it since we were at the living room). We just lay there as I rested, of course, we didn’t do anything but resting since the stupid guy doesn’t get the signal to kiss at all I don’t think there was a point to explain my face leaning close to his. It’s like pure rejection but knowing that it wasn’t really an purposeful rejection.

Then it’s the banner time (I think…sorry I have to keep going back and forth, its been half of a year since all that, well more than half of a year so its really hard to keep track of what is going on and stuff), which is quite similar to the time where we typed our personal statement. The only difference is the last few people who stayed was Leo, Irving me and him. And when finally everyone left, my car was parked on his driveway. We hugged then and there, and I guess he finally got the signals then or something I mean he kissed me. To be honestly, before our lip touched, I was resistant a bit, not because I don’t want to kiss him, because unless you haven’t read any of the paragraphs up there, not wanting to kiss is the last thing there is. It’s just I wasn’t sure if I was truly ready to move on, if I was ready for everything. If I was ready to start something with him, because before, all those hugs, yeah it meant something, but isn’t as much in compare to kissing. Because kissing its like knowing something more serious is going to happen, and usually it leads to a relationship, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for it. But of course I went for it anyways since you guys all know the ending to the story.  According to him, he was confused and a lot of things were going on in his head too. He doesn’t know what he was doing. And according to his “ex” that he was with for what? A week? They broke up because he wasn’t a good kisser or according to him it was part of the reason or something like that. And I could see why, I mean he was practically trying to eat my lips or bite it off. And I didn’t want to ruin it, but after a while I had to tell him, things got better from there, and did I mention it escalated quickly? I mean okay, its not that quickly, but quickly enough. I mean we were there probably kissing for an whole hour or something, because I remember my mouth muscles being extremely sore from kissing that passionately, but I didn’t want to stop it since I waited for so long. My hands ran and explored, of course he followed my lead, which was a little funny because I don’t think he knew what he was doing.

But somewhere along the night my hands got into his pants. I mean at first he was struggling a little, I guess it as his first time, and it all happened to quick (well I mean a hour of kissing leading to that? Yeah it isn’t too quick, but for first time I guess it may have moved too fast). I really don’t remember much else besides that, but I swear that was the furthest we went, well for that day anyways.

Wow, I just typed 5 page font 11, single spaced about my ex and how we came to be. This is crazy how much I can write and I don’t even feel tired. Haha, I should probably print a copy and give it to him to let him read it so he knows my perspective too, and add his own perspective in there. He better not grammar check if I do, I swear.

But that was how everything started I guess. At one point, we talked about it in the car, later on as a month passed from then. I told him that if we didn’t win the election, I would probably not see him again, or anyone for that matter. And he gave me a positive pep talk about how if I want to stay in contact with people all I have to do is to make effort to do so, and the rest will be easy. But with my past experiences with friends, it is impossible to stay in contact with the people you wish you could’ve the most. Then I think a part of me have decided that I didn’t want this if I didn’t win the election, because back then, we didn’t have a title to ourselves, not boyfriend or girlfriends, nothing. We were just simple friends who campaign together and went on to second or third base depending on each person’s definition.

Yes, in the end we did win, the whole slate did, (thank god), or else I might’ve had to quit college, just kidding but still. I was happy, I got to stick with my gang and I get to stay with him as well. And so of course it continued as spring semester ended and summer hit. However, we were so disclosed about our relationship that no one knows about it. But sometimes I would question it myself, since I don’t even know myself what kind of relationship this is. He never asked me to be his girlfriend, we never declared to be in an actual relationship, and furthermore, he never asked me out onto a date. Which is the craziest thing, because we were just awkwardly never titled and with each other. At one point, I really didn’t know if he viewed it as a friends for benefit thing or a muti-one night stand with the same girl type of thing. It really did confused me for the longest time, and that’s something I never had the guts to ask him. I mean what are you even, or how are you even supposed to ask? How are you even supposed to start the question in the first place? It’s like you cant.

I just waited and waited, hoping that one day he would get the hint that we didn’t have title and ask me or talk to me about it.

And I think it wasn’t until finally in the end of the summer where he brought it up.

Of course that is a story for another time, probably tomorrow since my arm, hands and fingers really hurts from all that typing and my nephew wants to watch the hobbit tomorrow too. So its like what what what?

Until tomorrow!                        

TBC…..