Ever since getting back after break
up, I been nothing but forgiving, if not more patient. But instead I get
nothing back, I feel like I give more than I get. Sometimes I don’t know if
this is worth my time or not, sometimes I feel like I don’t even know anymore,
and it is especially time like this.
Everytime when I get mad at him, I
calm myself down, I think about what I committed and I take a deep breath.
Honestly I have been way more patient than I ever had been in my whole life
with him because he means a lot to me for me to get in small argument about
with. And today, just now, we got into an argument simply because I was typing
on my computer and I couldn’t tell him what I was typing. I was still talking
to him via skype, and typing a journal entry about Valentines day, and
obviously im not gonna tell him oh I am writing about how I don’t know what
gift to get guys because my ex loved hello kitty and he doesn’t, because that’d
just pretty much tell him about this upcoming Valentines day and me not having
a gift ready for him. And so I told him that I was doing nothing. So much
typing so little words, I guess he got suspicious or curious and frustrated because
I was semi lying, so he faced the side at first, I stopped all the things I was
doing and I was like “Bae, bae” but of course, he didn’t respond, so I
continued my typing of the entry. Only little did I know it lead to him closing
his webcam, and follow by a hangup. This got me mad, because what gives him the
damn right to hang up on me and be mad when I try to talk to him and he just
refuse to talk.
If he wants to get mad then fine,
but honestly when he is the one in the beginning of this new relationship
telling me that he want me to stop getting mad at the little stuff, I had
higher expectations for him when it comes to anger management. And not hanging
up just because of the small things I do was just one of them. I was expecting
something better from him since he was the one setting it up. There were
countless times where he have done things that ticked me off or got me mad because
of the way he did it, how thoughtless he was, or just how unboyfriend like it
was. I was hurt many times, my feelings got in the way of things many times. He
lied to me many times and there were plenty of where that came from, and he can’t
even oversee this one just got me really mad, like really, because I am
honestly not ready for another break up, but I am not up for another argumenet
like this. I signed up for some peace, I signed up for having less argument if
not non because I cared for him that much, and sometimes I just feel a little
one sided when he refuses to see it that way. I know when I got into the
relationship that he said he didn’t love me, that he only cared for me, that
things wouldn’t turn out the way I wanted it to be, and I accepted that. I
guess I just have too high of an expectation out of this relationship. There
are times where i wish my feelings would stop, that I would stop being so
emotional about things like this and let it go, and pretend like I don’t care,
like I am fine but I am not.
If I am able to give in my anger,
and give up on being mad, and reason things out and be more patient, what gives
him right to get mad at me and hang up when I don’t even do them anymore. It makes
no sense to me. Maybe I am just thinking this too much, I should stop.
Sigh. This is what I signed up for,
this is what I know what I was getting into, and I should be okay with this
regardless.
That’s it for tonight. Good night
everyone. I will updated on the Valentines day post later this week or tomorrow
depending on when I can write it without feeling what I am feeling right now.
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