Half of the story, the whole truth before the relationship. The lies and dishonesty.

So I created a new blog, a blog about my break up with my ex, but then reading through my old blog here "la douleur" today, I realize something. That there are a lot of stuff I have already realized early on but never changed about myself. To me, once I get it, I tend to forget how much pain I was in, and how hard I worked for to get it, that once it's in my hand, I just take it for granted, and then later regret it.
My Blog: Επόμενος
And honestly, it's scary and it's sad. Maybe that is why Pablo (a nickname I been using on my other blog to talk about my most recent boyfriend, because I don't want to use real name on the online blog), broke up with me. Because it's such a repetitive pattern, and all there is is pain time after time. Each time we said things are going to be better, it may go better for a little bit in the beginning and then it goes back to the way it was.
And now he doesn't trust the things I say, and what I do behind his back because I gave him an uncomfortable reason to trust me from the start. Truth, honest truth is, I cannot blame him. I have cheated on him behind his back ever since the beginning even before we started dating, and going out, even before we declared our relationship when we were chasing each other.
I was flirting with other guys, and I was making out here and there, to my heart's content, and it is by far the dumbest thing, which I do truly regret. All those guys I made out with, all those guys I cheated on him with, they were just bad people, people who didn't want to commit, who didn't love me for me, or care about me much, but rather just doing it for the heck of doing it. Yet I was fine with that, not thinking about how much Pablo would be hurt if he knew about all the things I did. Heck, if he ever finds out about all the things I did, there wouldn't ever be a second chance in life I would be able to get back with him, or even talk to him or be in the same room with him ever again. I would most likely be dead to him.
Even though he is the only person who probably knows most about my life, he is also the person who doesn't know a lot of things I did behind his back, and so his guts telling him not to trust me is probably right. Look at how currpted I am, and the ways I am treating him. It's not right, and I don't deserve him.
All he ever does is try to make me happy and all i ever do is try to piss him off because its kind of funny and cute to see him getting jealous over nothing, to see him getting upset. I have some issues.

It started from when we first met around late March, early April. We started talking more and more because of campaigning for student government, and from there got closer and closer I guess. And with the high hormone self, I go all out and try to flirt with everyone. I remember initially I was trying to get at another guy who was running for student government in our group of slate. But then he was too hard to get (and later I realize he is too young to get, barely 18, and not to mention one huge pothaed) and so instead I got someone else reeled in on my fishing hook instead by accident. I mean it isn't bad or anything, but I didn't intentionally get him (and he doesn't know that).
During the campaign period, I was actually still crushing hard on that one guy, let's call him Brian. But Brian was too busy to notice, he was smart don't get me wrong, he was also super good looking, and his green eyes are to die for! But hey, it didn't work out for a good reason, because pot head, no thank you. Although we did go on a retreat to Santa Barbara together, and I did end up kissing on on the side of the mouth (out of a dare on one of the nights).
Anyways, during late March, early April, I went a Spring Conference and there was a night dance afterwards, where everyone got all hot and sweaty. And there were two guys in particular that was short of chasing after me, or in a sense trying to get at me. One Hispanic and one Asian, and as a Asian person, I was of course more turned on by the Asian. And on the dance floor, although both did dance with me, the Hispanic one snagged me first, then the Asian one, but ultimately I slipped out of the Hispanic one's hand to be with the Asian one. (Let's call the Asian one Samsung).
So Samsung and I danced, pretty much rest of the night, and during one of our last songs we danced to, the floor got crazy, and our face got close, hormones got high, and kissed (with tongue and everything), my heart was racing fast, adrenaline was rushing, was turned on, and thirsty for some making out.
It wasn't hard to get some when I wanted some I guess, although I was surprised because there were girls who were prettier than me on the dance floor who didn't get hit on at all. Definitely some weird shit. And one of the people who saw it was soon going to be the one who's going to make me regret doing it, but we can talk about him later. (lets give him a nickname of Lee)
Anyways, he followed me up back to the hotel later,I mean but then the good me didn't want anything to happen, because here may be the plot twist, but I was still in a relationship with Daniel (my ex ex, my second boyfriend) when this all happened ( I didn't even remember any of this till just now, oh shit. I was in really deep shit then. Because I recall phoning Daniel when I was at the hotel during Spring Conference).
Anyways, what the hell am I talking about, the good me shouldn't have even been crushing on other people here and there, and the good me shouldn't even been flirting with other guys to begin with. What the hell, I can't believe I been playing innocent for this long, and I can't believe I have never been caught playing innocent.
People say karma will get you like a bitch, I guess it is coming. All will shit bricks when it comes. Sigh. I been an ass my whole life, I don't know how I am getting so much good blessings in my life for me to be this much ass-y and still get by with it with good people around me. Just exactly how much blessings did I collect in my past life to get this far*(1)?
I treated my first boyfriend like crap over and over, and he still comes back to me. I treated my second one like crap, and he still stuck around for a while, although he is pretty demanding. Then my third boyfriend, well he tolerated me until he can't anymore, which was still a damn long time. I must have collected a lot of blessing for all that to happen. Or maybe they're just stupid to be stuck with me, or maybe I am just lucky, and am going to run out of luck soon if I keep abusing it like that (knock on wood, lets hope not).
But going back to my story, nothing much happened, and the next day, before we departed back to Los Angeles again, he hung with me for a bit, and literally right right before we left, I used toe excuse of getting our president water to go back in the lobby, Samsung and I kissed once more in the lobby (I think our club secretary and internal vice president saw it at that time when they were coming out of the gift shop, but I was too embarrassed to ask what they actually saw, all i know is they saw us getting friendly, but that was it, thank god we weren't close enough for them to spread the rumors around haha). God, the adrenaline just gets me each time. And it's really not like I like him or anything, well maybe I was interested in him, but that was it, it was more of the at the moment thing if anything.
We went back to our lives after, and you know as long as I remember being at the community college I was in, I never really revealed to many that I had a boyfriend, and so most of the time, I was dishonest and told everyone I was single. So besides my high school friends, none of my college friends knew that I had a boyfriend at the time, which makes cheating and flirting a lot easier. And because none of Daniel's friends goes to the community college I go to (well, barely anyways, and if any, they're all fobs, so we don't ever run into each other, thank god), so cheating wasn't a problem if anything. But of course with the way I act during a relationship, having two relationship at the same time will be impossible.
Daniel and I didn't officially break up until sometime in June I believe, or May. Whenever Spring banquet was, was the time where Daniel and I broke up. I can't seem to remember the exact date, but damn, speaking of which, I have two break ups in June now with two different guys. One a year ago, and another one this year. The only difference is there is nobody to replace this one, and I really don't' want anyone to replace this one this time.

I don't know why, but there was something about the photo shoot that makes me remember that memory more in particular than any other ones, maybe it was because he mentioned it to me that he remembers that one or something I don't know. I think it was because he said that he didn't really start noticing me until the photo shoot time. Perhaps the way I dressed or something somewhere along the line? I don't recall much.

Whatever.
But when we truly got close was when my car battery didn't work, due to connection problems. And that day he was with me I guess in the beginning we were working on campaigning together or something, and then he walked me to my car or something, and right when he was going to leave I realize my car battery didn't work, and so I borrowed his phone to call my parents, and I think his phone was dying, and mine already died or something like that.
And then my parents, being the parents they're told me that they weren't going to come and told me to figure it all out myself. And being a child with no knowledge of how to fix my car, besides being told the instruction of whacking my car with a tweaser, I find it hard to repair my car.
Originally he took me to the IT build to the auto mechanic place first, with them saying that the car will have to be brought there in order for them to do anything, and with the circumstance of the car, it was impossible to bring it anywhere.
So next we went to the campus police, or we called, and they said that they no longer help jump cars. And lastly we went to his people, the engineering friends he had, and I think we went to a dude named Brent (yeah he is probably the only guy I will put out real name to, but I doubt he will ever find this blog so it's okay). But anyways, he had jump cords and offered to help, and sure enough we walked to his car, then drove to my car to try to jump it but no matter what, nothing worked. And I guess we (Pablo and I) ended up sitting on the side of the parking lot entrance after parting and thanking Brent for helping us. Then I called my parents again, and finally this time they agree to come and look at the problem.
And somehow my mom ended up just whacking it and it worked on the first try, I was like what the hell, how did she. And Pablo was shocked too, I remember he said, "Wow, I learned something today, that when the car won't start, you can try whacking your battery for it to work." And my mom told us that it was connection problem and then it got awkward because I was suppose to leave the same time as my mom, I guess, but then I wanted to thank Pablo and stuff too, so then I told my mom to go first while I said I was going to drive Pablo to his car.
Which I think I did end up driving him to his car, and then gave him a prolonged hug, thanking him for everything. And that's how we truly started, Pablo and I. Or at least the earliest memories of us being super close.
According to him, we were getting close already via facebook message, but from my memories alone, I think we didn't talk into much depth, he said we did talk about my parents, my sister and all that, but I tell everyone that, and I complain so much that I guess to me it didn't seem like that much. But maybe my memories got fabricated too, so I don't know honestly which is which.
But then agreeably that's where we both agreed where it truly started. He felt emotionally closer to me because he saw the side of me that weren't usually shown to people, the vulnerable side of my who cries, and was weak because nobody was able to help. He saw the pain that I lived through half of my life, the tears of a little girl. Something that many never seen, and honestly something that my first and second boyfriend didn't seen until late. I guess Pablo was something else.
That day was the beginning of the reign, beginning of hope and prolong hugging. It was the start of everything (and yes, I was still with Daniel then).
To me, little flirting doesn't hurt anyone. To me, little flirting, with enough control, will not lead to other things. To me, little flirting, is just to live in the moment, and nothing more. To me, it was a harmless thing.
Who knew that little feeling, that butterfly feeling, that heart skipping, mood jumping moment soon lead to many more unexpected things.
Who knew it lead to more prolonged hugs, lead to longer hugs, hugs that were dry humping, hugs that lasted a few hours, hugs that I didn't want to end, hugs that made my heart skip. And soon, a hug that led to a kiss that soon turned into penis touching, boob touching, and a relationship that lasted 9 month.
But I will save that for my next post.
Until next time.


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1.* so upon Asian superstition, especially the Buddhist believed that how well you're living this life is due to how well you acted last life. So for say, if in your past life, you did a lot of good deed and suffered a lot, in the next coming life, which will be this life, you will be living in lots of blessings. And vise versa, if you acted terribly and been a horrible person in your past life, in your next life, you might just end up on the street or something like that. So it's all about give and take, what you give is what you get, and you know, growing your own fruit of life, etc. But of course, for you to believe that you also have to believe in reincarnation.

06.17.2015 Regrets, Loss, And Grief (下一頁的我)

下一頁的我

Thank you for waking up at 5am to take me to the airport one last time after our breakup.
Despite everything that have happened you are still nice to me, I don't deserve you.

Written on 07/02/201506說想你，說我以前沒有好好的珍惜你都太晚了。我們已經都變成過去式了。說聲對不起只能填一填傷口的結疤。要是我真的覺得你有那麼重要那我就不會那麼不尊重你的一言一語，我也不會對你大驚小怪的。實話說的直一點，你已經給過我不知道多少機會了。而我只把你說的都當成耳邊風。我以為我們是一輩子的，但是我都沒發覺你有多麼多麼的不快樂。我不知道我傷了你多少次了你還是會默默的原諒我。我回想了一下，你到底是看上我的那裡？我很愛罵你，很愛在你前面說你的壞話，什麼是我都經常說是你的錯，還愛說一些讓你感受到沒安全感的話。害你自尊心都悲傷了，安全感也沒了，還要逼的跟我嗆，而且還要被我臭罵一頓。我看起來真的不值得你的原諒。在一起那麼久了，我還沒有自己知覺，真的很想揍自己。你實實都依著我，我想去哪裡，我想做什麼事你都陪我，我要辦事時要是你有空你會陪我，我很無聊想要聊天時，要是你能，你也會用你保貴的時間來陪我在電話上聊天，或者陪我簡訊一整天要是你沒空的話。你讓我踩在你的頭上，讓我每次都不知不覺的踩的太過頭，害你感到悲哀跟傷痛。現在的我，有什麼資格要求你回到我的身邊？現在的我哪有什麼資格再問你願不願意跟我再重新開始？整個墨西哥的程旅滿腦子都是你，都在回想我們做過的事，我們說過的話，我們在一起的時候，然後我就會坐在角落單單和回想跟自責。自責當初沒有好好的對你，沒有好好的珍惜你。現在已經太晚了。像那首歌說的一樣，好的事情也總然需要結束。可能我們不是命中注定要在一起吧。
我以為我們會走的更遠，我以為我們沒事的，可是我都忘記停一下去看你到底高不高興，看一下我怎麼對待你的。我都估率了你的感受，我只有估率自己的感受。我好恨我當初的決定。愛應該是大方的，是不能逼迫的。有句名言說，要是你愛一個人的話，你就得放他走，要是他寧願回來，那就是屬於你的，可是要是他不回來的話那麼他從原本就不屬於你的，而你得讓他走。我好恨那句詞，因為我不懂為什麼。對我來說，愛一個人是自私的，我怎麼能說放就放？不能啊，哪有那麼簡單啊。尤其是看到對方終於有了個新的女朋友，心裏總是會痛。在嘴巴明明說說會祝他們幸福可是心裏還不是會痛的要命。我真的不懂愛，我也真的不想懂。愛好複雜，好亂。可以讓一個人失去理智，變成白癡，何必勒。我愛唸，愛把每件小事都怪在你的頭上，愛計較，愛跟你吵架，把不需要吵架無理頭的小事都變成大事，小事大鬧。我又愛跟你頂嘴，吵架都非虛我贏，還真的愛跟你吵的每天都你死我活，每天都至少會聽你說對不起，因為你都讓我贏。我好恨自己沒有好好的珍惜你，現在的我，已經太晚了，沒有這個福氣去珍惜你。我好恨自己恨我等了這麼久才發現，才自覺。我恨我當初開始沒對你好。害你每次都得和我道歉，就算是我的錯也是你道歉。在世上沒有一個人能應付我的脾氣。可是你就能，你的溫柔，慈悲，貼心，跟耐心都用在我的身上，而我卻還是欺負你，踏在你的頭上，害你每次受傷。我值得今天的下場，失去你的下場。
現在的我們連朋友都當不成，而當時以前的我們有說不完的話，比好朋友更親。
雖然我們現在連朋友都不如，但願有一天我跟你有緣能再度從新開始，但願你有一天會回頭再給我一次機會讓我好好的對你。好好的愛你。因為現在的我不值得得到你的愛。現在的我已經失去讓你愛我的資格。17
不屬於我的幸福我還是不要碰不要求，不然最後受傷的還是我。可能這輩子的我不值得擁有幸福。

So I am too lazy to translate it all to english, and asked my friend, Google translate for help, so don't mind some things not making sense...Like you said, that I had not cherish you too late. We have all become past tense. I'm sorry to say only fill a fill wound scarring. If I really think you are so important that I would not be so do not respect your word spoken, I will not have you fuss. Honestly straight point, you've given me a chance I do not know how much. And I say to you all fell on deaf ears. I thought we were a lifetime, but I have not noticed how much you unhappy. I do not know how many times I hurt you or will you forgive me silently. I thought for a moment, I fancy you in the end there? I call you love, love in front of you say bad things, what I have often said to be your fault, but also love to say something that makes you feel insecure words. Harm your self-esteem are sad, there is no sense of security, and also forced to choke me, but also I gave it to be. I look really do not deserve your forgiveness. Together so long, I do not own perception, really wanted to hit himself. Truly you are depending on me, I want to go, I want to do something you are with me, when I want to work, if you have time you will accompany me, I'm bored I want to chat, if you can, you also you will use the valuable time with me on the phone chat, or SMS with me all day if you do not empty words. You let me step on your head, so that every time I unknowingly stepped on too far and hurt you feel sad with grief. Now, I'm asking you what right back to me? Now how can I ask you what qualifications and I would be willing to re-start? Mexico trip full of mind throughout the process are you in retrospect we did, we have said, we were together, and then I'll just sit in the corner and recall with remorse. ERA did not receive proper for you, you do not cherish. Now it is too late. Like the song says, like, good things are always natural need to end.Perhaps we are not destined to be together now.I thought we would go further, I think we all right, but I have forgotten pause to see you in the end high unhappy, look at how I treated you. I estimate the rate of your feelings, I only estimate the rate of their feelings. I Haohen my original decision.Love should be generous, not persecution. There is a saying that if you love someone, you have to let him go, if he would prefer to come back, it is yours, but if he does not come back, then that he had not belong to you, and you have to let him go.I Haohen phrase word, because I do not know why. For me, love a person is selfish, how can I say Fangjiu Fang? Not ah, how so simple ah. Especially to see the other side finally has a new girlfriend, my heart will always be pain. In the mouth will obviously talk about wish them happy but my heart was not hurt terribly.I really do not know love, I really do not want to know. Hobbies complicated mess. Can make a person lose control becomes an idiot, why Le.I love to read, love to blame every little thing in your head, loving care, love quarrel with you, the little things do not need to fight unreasonable head have become a major event, trivial row. I love to talk back to you, quarrel is true I won, really love you quarrel with life and death every day, every day at least to hear you say I'm sorry, because you have to let me win. I Haohen he did not cherish you, now I, too late, you do not have this good fortune to cherish. I hate myself Haohen I waited so long to find it consciously. I hate that I did not start on Hello. Each had to hurt you and I apologize, even if it was my fault but also to apologize to you. No one in the world can cope with my temper. But you can, your gentle, compassionate, caring, and patience are used in my body, but I was still bully you, stepping on your head and kill you every time injury. Today I deserve in the end, you end up losing.Now we can not even friends do not succeed, and then before we have lots to talk about, closer than friends.Although we are not even friends such as, I hope one day I can tell you again destined to start again, I hope one day you will come back to give me a chance to let me have a good for you. Good love you. Because now I do not deserve your love. Now I've lost my qualifications make you love.I do not belong to my happiness was not to touch is not required, or the last thing I was injured. Maybe I do not deserve this life is to have a happy.
====Then there's the Greek verison I google translated for fun.06 Όπως είπατε, ότι δεν είχα να σας αγαπάμε πάρα πολύ αργά. Έχουμε γίνει όλοι σε παρελθόντα χρόνο. Λυπάμαι να πω μόνο γεμίσει ένα ουλές πλήρωσης τραύματος. Εάν πραγματικά νομίζετε ότι είναι τόσο σημαντικό το γεγονός ότι δεν θα ήμουν έτσι δεν σέβονται τον λόγο σου μιλήσει, δεν θα έχετε φασαρία. Ειλικρινά ευθεία το σημείο, έχετε μου δίνεται η ευκαιρία δεν ξέρω πόσο. Και λέω σε όλους σας έπεσε σε κουφά αυτιά. Νόμιζα ότι ήταν μια ζωή, αλλά δεν έχω παρατηρήσει πόσο δυστυχισμένο. Δεν ξέρω πόσες φορές έχω να σας βλάψει ή θα με συγχωρήσετε σιωπηλά. Σκέφτηκα για μια στιγμή, θα σας άρεσε η ιδέα στο τέλος εκεί; Καλώ αγαπώ, αγάπη μπροστά σας πω άσχημα πράγματα, αυτό που έχω πει πολλές φορές ότι είναι το ελάττωμά σας, αλλά και την αγάπη για να πω κάτι που θα σας κάνει να αισθάνονται ανασφαλείς λέξεις. Βλάψει την αυτοεκτίμησή σας είναι λυπηρό, δεν υπάρχει καμία αίσθηση της ασφάλειας, καθώς επίσης και αναγκάστηκαν να μου πνίξει, αλλά επίσης μου έδωσε να είναι. Περιμένω πραγματικά δεν αξίζουν συγχώρεση σας. Μαζί τόσο καιρό, εγώ δεν κάνω τη δική της αντίληψη, πραγματικά ήθελε να χτυπήσει τον εαυτό του. Πραγματικά σας ανάλογα με εμένα, θέλω να πάω, θέλω να κάνω κάτι που είναι μαζί μου, όταν θέλω να εργαστώ, αν έχετε χρόνο, θα με συνοδεύσει, βαριέμαι θέλω να συνομιλήσετε, αν μπορείτε, επίσης, θα χρησιμοποιήσει τον πολύτιμο χρόνο τους μαζί μου για το chat του τηλεφώνου, SMS ή μαζί μου όλη την ημέρα αν δεν κενά λόγια. Μπορείτε επιτρέψτε μου βήμα στο κεφάλι σας, έτσι ώστε κάθε φορά που εν αγνοία τους πάτησε πολύ μακριά και να βλάψουν αισθάνεστε λυπημένος με θλίψη. Τώρα, σας ρωτάω τι ακριβώς πίσω σε μένα; Τώρα, πώς μπορώ να σας ρωτήσω ποια είναι τα προσόντα και θα ήμουν πρόθυμος να ξαναρχίσουν; Μεξικό ταξίδι γεμάτο νου καθ 'όλη τη διαδικασία που είναι εκ των υστέρων κάναμε, είπαμε, ήμασταν μαζί, και στη συνέχεια θα καθίσει ακριβώς στη γωνία και να υπενθυμίσει με τύψεις. ΕΧΕ δεν λαμβάνουν την κατάλληλη για εσάς, δεν αγαπάμε. Τώρα είναι πολύ αργά. Όπως λέει το τραγούδι, όπως, τα καλά πράγματα είναι πάντα φυσική ανάγκη να τερματιστεί.Ίσως δεν προορίζονται να είναι μαζί τώρα.Νόμιζα ότι θα προχωρήσουμε περαιτέρω, νομίζω ότι όλοι δίκιο, αλλά έχω ξεχάσει παύση να σας δούμε στο τέλος υψηλή δυστυχισμένο, κοιτάξτε πώς θα αντιμετωπίζονται. Εκτιμώ ότι ο ρυθμός των συναισθημάτων σας, το μόνο που εκτιμούν το ποσοστό των συναισθημάτων τους. Έχω Haohen αρχική απόφασή μου.Η αγάπη πρέπει να είναι γενναιόδωρη, δεν διώξεις. Υπάρχει ένα ρητό που λέει ότι αν αγαπάς κάποιον, θα πρέπει να τον αφήσει να πάει, αν θα προτιμούσε να έρθει πίσω, είναι δική σας, αλλά αν δεν έρθει πίσω, τότε που δεν είχε ανήκει σε σας, και θα πρέπει να τον αφήσει πάει.Έχω Haohen φράση λέξη, γιατί δεν ξέρω γιατί. Για μένα, η αγάπη ένα πρόσωπο είναι εγωιστής, πώς μπορώ να πω Fangjiu Fang; Δεν Αχ, πώς τόσο απλό Αχ. Ειδικά για να δείτε την άλλη πλευρά έχει τελικά μια νέα κοπέλα, η καρδιά μου θα είναι πάντα πόνο. Στο στόμα θα μιλήσει προφανώς για να τους ευχηθώ ευχάριστη θέση, αλλά η καρδιά μου δεν ήταν κακό τρομερά.Πραγματικά δεν ξέρω την αγάπη, εγώ πραγματικά δεν θέλουν να ξέρουν. Ενδιαφέροντα περίπλοκη χάος. Μπορεί να κάνει ένα άτομο να χάσει τον έλεγχο γίνεται ένας ηλίθιος, γιατί Le.Μου αρέσει να διαβάζω, αγαπούν να κατηγορούν κάθε μικρό πράγμα στο κεφάλι σας, μεράκι, αγάπη διαμάχη μαζί σου, τα μικρά πράγματα δεν χρειάζεται να αγωνιστούμε παράλογο κεφάλι έχουν γίνει ένα σημαντικό γεγονός, ασήμαντες σειρά. Μου αρέσει να μιλήσω μαζί σας, η διαμάχη είναι αλήθεια ότι κέρδισε, πραγματικά αγαπώ τσακωθεί με τη ζωή και το θάνατο κάθε μέρα, κάθε μέρα τουλάχιστον να σας ακούσω να πω ότι λυπάμαι, γιατί θα πρέπει να επιτρέψτε μου να κερδίσει. Έχω Haohen ότι δεν σας αγαπάμε, τώρα, πολύ αργά, δεν έχετε αυτήν την καλή τύχη να αγαπάμε. Μισώ τον εαυτό μου Haohen Περίμενα τόσο καιρό να το βρείτε συνειδητά. Μισώ ότι δεν είχα ξεκινήσει στο Hello. Ο καθένας είχε να σας βλάψει και ζητώ συγγνώμη, ακόμη και αν ήταν δικό μου λάθος, αλλά επίσης να ζητήσω συγνώμη από εσάς. Κανείς στον κόσμο δεν μπορεί να αντιμετωπίσει με ψυχραιμία μου. Αλλά μπορείτε, σας απαλή, συμπονετικός, φροντίδα και υπομονή χρησιμοποιούνται στο σώμα μου, αλλά ήμουν ακόμα νταής σας, πάτησε το κεφάλι σας και να σας σκοτώσει κάθε φορά τραυματισμό. Σήμερα αξίζει στο τέλος, θα καταλήξετε να χάσει.Τώρα δεν μπορούμε ακόμη και τους φίλους δεν τα καταφέρουμε, και στη συνέχεια, πριν έχουμε πολλά να συζητήσουμε, πιο κοντά από ό, τι οι φίλοι.Αν και δεν είμαστε ακόμα φίλοι, όπως, ελπίζω μια μέρα να σας πω και πάλι προορίζονται για να ξεκινήσει και πάλι, ελπίζω ότι μια μέρα θα έρθει πίσω για να μου δώσει μια ευκαιρία να επιτρέψτε μου να έχουν ένα καλό για σας. Καλή σας αρέσει. Επειδή τώρα δεν αξίζει την αγάπη σας. Τώρα έχω χάσει τα προσόντα μου σας κάνουν να αγαπήσετε.Δεν ανήκω στην ευτυχία μου δεν ήταν να αγγίξει δεν απαιτείται, ή το τελευταίο πράγμα που τραυματίστηκε. Ίσως δεν αξίζω αυτή τη ζωή είναι να έχουμε μια ευτυχισμένη.

First of Everything

This had always been somewhere in my head, but then it just never came to me this strong until now. My just recently became ex versus my just recently became my current really did get me thinking. Let's just call my recently became ex Jake and recently became current Liam for clarification purposes. 

Jake had been the boyfriend I dated the longest, and because by first never really rose any expectation besides the fact that he’d do nearly anything for me. And thus, making me compare to him often when Jake does selfish things or be as stubborn as he is. Meanwhile Liam, although never been in a relationship, had always been a nice guy in a sense. Liam doesn’t know how to treat girls, especially girlfriends. He also doesn’t have the boundaries one should have especially when it comes to commitments and such.

Liam, have made countless mistakes during the past few months that it stresses me. Causes me to question whether or not it was a good idea to start it with him in the first place. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like him a lot, but just seeing how he can’t really treat girls right, and when I mean girls I meant me just pisses me off.

Then I look at my most current crush whom I give up on. Let’s call him Ed for now. It wasn’t his look that got me into Ed in the first place, because when I first met him, I didn’t have these feelings I had recently. It was the prolonged time spending together that got me liking him more and more. And of course, slowly, falling for him and his personality. It’s funny, because I think he is the first person I fell for the personality first, he is also one of the longest crush I have had that showed some sort of interest in me and was willing to pay for everything during our first “hangout”.

To talk about this, we have to rewind back to the date we had, or the “hangout”, or so we call it that. It felt a bit like a date because he paid for the tickets and offered to buy me food in the theater. Even after I refuse, he purchases a giant water bottle for me, which probably costed around $3 dollars because the total came out to be $17 or so dollars when the only thing he bought were a plastic square bag of M&Ms that market value probably costed $2-$2.50 max, a box of sour patch you’d see in the 99 cent store, and two large water bottle, those good quality ones too, that is probably marketed $2 dollars but all charged probably double or triple the price. During the movie,  I got to admit there were many awkward moments, and by the ending, there were millisecond moments where we could’ve probably kissed, but I held back because I never really been on a date date like that before. Not to sound stupid, but I didn’t know what to do, especially in situations like that. The night ended with a goodbye, when we arrived at my house, I got out only to see his disappointed face when I opened the door, “oh we’re not staying in the car? That’s fine” but of course who knew if he was serious about that or not.

But when I saw him taking off, in my stomach, something just doesn’t sit right. In my head, I knew this was it, and if anything were to happen it had to be today because I would probably not hangout with him ever again after this due to the fact that school is starting on one hand, and he works on most days that I am free. And with his raincheck rate, it usually takes forever to schedule a hangout with him in the first place.

So after countless moments of thinking, I decided to dial his number, and closed my eyes, hoping I don’t mess it up. When he picked up the phone, my heart raced to the top of my skull as I can feel the blood of nervousness just pumping through telling me all sort of thoughts and sanrio of how this all could’ve gone.

I told him from one of the classic out of the book for an underage ish type of people. Typical reason, “I left my keys in my house, and my parents aren’t home, I am locked out of my house”

His first response was “oh shit,” and second was, “let me get off of the nearest exit and go back.”

Without second question or doubt, and that’s the type of people I like. Gentlemen and just considerate. Especially with those kind of things, I mean a lot of douche bags would just be like, oh locked out? Sucks for you, too bad. But Ed actually comes back to you. And I am quite grateful for that. Which is why after the first date, it made me want to ask him to a second although knowing it’s a bit impossible.

Why is he driving me crazy. I hate love.

Early Cease of Pleasure

"Early Cease of Pleasure", sounds deep and simple, but trust me, it took me a while to think over. I first was going to name it "Orgasm happened too fast", only to realized that for the past, everything I written in this blog is more metaphorical than literal. So then I modified a little, thinking hmm..something starting with Pleasure, but obviously going for "Pleasure ending too fast, or pleasure that ends too fast" isn't a good title to have on a blog such as mine.

So I started thinking of words to replace with the words I have already modified, cease popped up in my head and I thought it'd be a great idea to use it.

====

So as many of you I believed have experience during your sexual intercourse aka sex, is an orgasm happening too early on. Rather than both partner achieving orgasm at the same time, one person had theirs way before another. And usually, it is the men who achieve their orgasm first, and of course would stop afterwards because 1) their penis will obviously grow soft after the ejaculation of the semen, meanwhile 2) after achieving orgasm, the desire of continuing to try to satisfy the other drops instantly to zero if not negatives.

I think this is a problem a lot of men have, especially those who first encountered sex. 

According to ShareCare, a question was asked about how long it typically takes to achieve orgasm, and it was answered by a cardiologist Mehmet Oz, MD, Cardiology, 

"The average man achieves orgasm in three to five minutes; it can take a woman four times as long. This is one reason many women don't achieve orgasm in every sexual encounter. If they feel pressured to have an orgasm, it can make a sexual encounter more stressful than tax day. And that just about guarantees a woman won't have an orgasm."

Following the read, on the side bar it shows this.
Achieving Orgasm
A satisfying sex life doesn't require orgasmbut achieving orgasm has its own rewards. The process of achieving orgasm is very different for men than for women. For difficulties with female orgasm or male orgasm, communication with your partner, and your doctor, are the best first steps to solving any problems. 

But honestly, how do one communicate with their partner, especially about sex life, and more over are they even willing to listen? I mean does the logic of pleasuring the women never came across their mind. I mean I do women don't release semen to indicate that they're done, but men should still have figured it out when they realize things are going wrong. They should look up ways on how to satisfy a women rather than just do what they want like the diva they are. 

Profile Pictures, just another part of repression surfacing

Thinking that today would be one of those days in which where things would just be relaxing, after all it is Friday anyways. That was all until the facebook notification showed up with my past’s profile picture, with another girl. I froze and struggled, after all I did like him for a longer period of time than any of others, and he is the only one I have serious feelings for, the one I seriously loved. The first person I learned to love, although the wrong way to express those feelings but the one who my true heart lay on/upon.

In the end, I decided to like it, I mean I only gave it a one minute thought, but then I thought that was probably enough given the fact that I guess to grand him the happiness he deserve, to show that he does deserve happiness, someone else who is not me, someone else who would do a better job at taking care of him then me. I really hate the fact that he takes up that much of the space in my heart. I hate the fact that he gave up on me. I know I told myself that this is okay, this is his moment, however I just can’t get over the fact that he is actually moving on.
She is beautiful, and most important of all, he likes her, and she will probably 99.9% treat him better than I ever would. And for sure not break his feelings while at it. And I owe him to that. I guess I just have to wish him happiness at this point and like his profile picture. Like I said before, I owed him that.

I am the type of person who sinks all types of feelings deep within in me because that is just the way I am. And normally, people wouldn’t know, after all in this society, most people are there only about themselves, and I hate that about the society. There aren’t that much listeners out there, plus I think due to the nurture environment I lived in, it caused me to repress all my feelings and thoughts inside, and I hate it. I rather get away and repress my ugly thoughts than to face them, or just simply the thoughts that are too overwhelming, and the worst part is because of that it hurts a lot more when I click the unpause button to my repressed thoughts and finally face them. Because the whole still turns while I hide some moments of me, so when I take out those feelings that I repress, it gets hard to play catch up.

Throwback them feels

I am listening to "想你的夜 - Miss You Nights (Jason Chen Cover)" from soundcloud, something I just recently got into. But then just from listening to the song, it brings out so much emotion from the inside. The past, the recent past, and the current, its been such a mix that even now I still don't know for certain what I am doing.

伤感好声音-Deejay Kenny

I am just going to be dropping off songs here and there for listening and emotions at that moment purposes. As many may figure now that I am asian and yes I do speak and understand Mandarin, but that is as much as I will go for now.

To be honest, I lived my life thinking about the stupidiest things, worry about the things I really don't need to worry and not worry about things I don't worry about. Thinking past, sometimes I really just want to close my eyes and escape from this world. From all my past experiences in relationship, I never really had a successful one that I looked back at and said, "wow, that was once an amazing relationship." I dropped the first relationship that meant the world to me and took me nearly a decade to get, and went for a loveless relationship. Of course that didn't turn out well as all, I mean if you are only in it for the benefit of the relationship  just exactly how much can you get out of that relationship?

記得

When I first started my first relationship, it was with my first true love in the United States. I loved him for the longest time. I loved him like no one else. The degree of love I had for him was beyond compare, but of course, I was too shy, and I guess I couldn't handle my emotions, I loved him to a point where I was afraid to get into a relationship with up, but of course you wouldn't want to lose him either. So I was stuck in this midpoint in which I am chasing him while making sure he doesn't notice I am chasing him and let him chases me.

彩虹 - A木B

It's really stupid to think about it, I waited 5, 6 years for this relationship. I kept myself away from him, acting upon my brainless brain rather than acting upon my heart. I remembered how happy I was when it first all started.

Isn't someone missing me? ; la douler

All this time, I thought I was over him, but the truth is that I was never over him. I still have feelings for him, even just he slightest counts right? No matter what he does, or how much I despise him, I just cannot stop loving him. He’s already my ex, I was the one who gave the decision of breaking up with him, and now I am the one regretting this? A little ironic, I know. Why can’t I stop thinking about him? I don’t know, it haunts me in the middle of the night at times. The way he smiles, that face, that innocent but gentle face. Sometimes I miss it, sometimes I wish I still had him. If I had those kind of feelings then why am I here at this step, with someone else in my arm you ask? I have no clue either. In the beginning, I just couldn’t take him on my shoulder anymore. He doesn’t know how I felt, he doesn’t understand me, and moreover, he doesn’t know I cry in the middle of the nights at times because of our fragile relationship. There I said it. Sometimes on the other side of the phone when I was talking to my ex, things would be weird, it would grow quite, afterall we don’t have much to talk about. Getting together right after being a set of strangers, of course there is nothing you can talk about. But then of course, its my fault as well, because I would never tell him how I feel. In fact, I would never tell him anthing about him. Its pretty silly to say it now but then its better than not saying it at all at times. Sometimes I would close my eyes and wish everything was a fairytale. Another reason to why I broke up was because of the fact that I couldn’t express anything with him. I guess if I gave “us” time, we probably would pull through. I mean relationship is all about time, and patience, because only “time will tell” as they say. And that is what kinda happened to me and present, and resulting in me here, in less of a depress relationship. Why didn’t I give my past a chance? Why did I move on so fast? It is because of the way he makes my heart race? Is it because of the way he smiles? The way he loves me like no one else? I really don’t know. He is a guy full of flaws, yet I loved him so much. He chased me for what? Five years? Seven years? At times even though he tells me he have already got over me, I would wonder about that.  Isn’t something missing? Isnt someone missing me? Even though I am the sacrifice, you wont try for me not now. Now im dying to know if you love me, now I am all alone. Isn’t something missing? Isn’t someone missing me? This song truly describes my feelings right now. I can’t bare to see another one of his pictures. Each time I see one picture, an image just pop up of him, the thought of him. The slightest hint reminds me of him, I hate it, I truly hate it. What am I suppose to do now? 

The rainy night

On this rainy night, all I can think about is the other side. Many have others to care for. Like for say, "it's raining tonight, so it will be colder, please take care of yourself." 

At first, I thought, "oh, maybe I can say it to my 'present'" (for those who don't know, present is another why I address my current boyfriend, because naming is too unnecessary for situations like this) Only to realize that I have no one to say it to. Present and I haven't spoken for a while; I am tired of his attitude, his ungratefulness, his self blame, and all the other things. Sometimes it seems as if we were merely compatible while other times it seems like we are the happiest couple there is on the street. The relationship I have with him is just so complicated. He doesn't see the things I see, and when I try to tell him the things I see, he just thinks I'm being immature and don't see the whole picture when in fact I am the one seeing everything from head to toe. It's just fustrating to see that, to see the things he doesn't see. And when I tell him, go ask other people and they would agree with me, he would be like, "am I other people? They are them and I am me. You can't compare the two of us." And that just fustrated me even more, sometimes to the point of breakage. He claims that I will never find a guy who would do all the things he does for me, which I know is not true, because I knew Past would've done anything in his power to get me what I want back then, and even now. 

Silly me, thinking that everything would've worked out, thinking that we had a chance, taking my happiness with me to the grave. I don't know what to do anymore. And this isn't even my first time hitting this problem. Our relationship have definitely hit downhill for a while, I guess I am just too stubborn in routine to see this. What should I do ? Anyone 

Good bye spring in winter.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!(:

This will probably be one of the last post I post this year, not because I am constantly busy, or because I'm lazy or go out too often, but because my heart is broken into pieces. It all started a few days ago when my friend asked a waiter for a number for me. He's dashingly cute, tall, great face feature and just everything about him makes me smile. I guess it's just love you know. In love, guys tend to look flawless in comparison. "I'm going to find someone someday who might actually treat me well" 

"Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now"

Sigh Taylor swift knows how I feel :( 

Well anyways so I got his number, we texted a bit and then he stopped texting, and from then? Never again :( you have no idea how my heart broke that day (which is the very same day) where he stopped replying. Sigh. 

I mean can someone give me a tip on how to communicate with him? I mean :( is he not interested in me because our text was boring? Or did he just give me his number just because it's hard to reject on the spot? 

Sigh I don't even know. I kinda just gave up I guess. Good bye the ten dollars my friend waged on the table :( good bye everything else. >_< I think I'm just gonna cry myself to a broken heart tonight.

I mean this is weird because this is the first time being rejected so hard :( but then again I really suck at chasing after people, I mean if you know me and look at the people I fell for and chase after, it's like did you really do that? 

Haha, yeah :(. 

Well back to this guy who I guess I just revealed his name because of the picture. 

HE PROBABLY LIED ABOUT NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN :( GAHH I can't believe I actually wanted his number :( and I can't believe I assumed he would like me.  Sigh, why is chasing guys so hard? Only if it was easier. But then again, he's like 29 years old, a bit too old for me huh. :/ yeah it's kinda funny story too. As a kid I was always like, I'm not going to date anyone older than at most 3 years older and never someone younger, yet today I'm fine with Bryan, who is like what! Ten years older than me! ARG! Stupid jenny :( you're just like stabbing yourself in the chest for doing that. Accepting someone into your heart who doesn't even probably feel a thing for you but pity and awh. Your only 19, not like 27 or 28! Good bye Bryan. 

Well anyways :( one of my sisters friend, he's like 40 something? He is dating this girl the same age as me. Crazy stuff. Haha the ironic part is a few years back, my sister joked with him about how he can date me, when I was like less than ten years old. And he was like, "oh your sick!" And today, guess what? He's dating someone my age. Hahaha ironic I know, but he's a baby face like this guy I know from college, so he really doesn't look that old yet. Well but yeah. 

Sigh diary, this is crazy, I can't get him out of my head, Bryan. :( at least if he doesn't want me to text him, don't avoid me, just don't give me your number in the first place! Gosh. #problemwithguys

Seriously. 

Secarios we imagine; "it is easier to be said than done"

At home, in my thoughts on bed, I can imagine millions of scenario that are played through an incident. I can imagine how to approach each and everyone, and how I should encounter each and everyone of them. There is this common saying that, "it is easier to be said than done", and quite frankly I think its utterly true. We watch movies and see stupid scenes where individuals could save themselves from death, and humiliations, but what we are being tied to and am too blind to see is that we have to be in that current character's shoes to judge the action itself. We need that certainty in which we don't have. We typify characters on screen and off screen for the stupid choices they have, but how many of us actually thought of a second that we may never be in the same scenario as them. I remember as a kid, it is frustrating just to see cartoon characters freeze in the middle of the road just because they saw a car approach and is about to hit him/her. I remember I would scream and tell them to run, and think that these characters are illogical and doesn't think, but when I encountered a near car-accident experience a year back, all I could do was freeze on the spot rather than escape from such event. These things are so frustrating to deal with, yet we take it so lightly.
These past few months, I been thinking about my actions I have done in the past. I may have committed a sin that is so sinful that even a non-religious atheist believe in the term "sin". I kissed a homozygous being, or in another term, someone with the same gender as me. It wasn't that part that made me shameful of what I have done, but rather, the fact that I took no responsibility of the action made me angry. Made me ashamed of the things I done, and how I have handled it. It became awkward after that sleepover. In fact, waking up after your hormones drown out is the worst thing that could've happened. Realizing that all those things you did were just because of the moment rather than actually doing it according to your feelings were just wrongful. Especially when in the next few days, the girl I had such encountered with wrote me a four page letter confessing that she did it not for the moment, but because she grew feelings for me, What the hell self? Why did I even allow that to happen when I don't have feelings for her? It seems ridiculous then, and still seems ridiculous now to think about it. She tried calling me and talking to me because I tried to avoid her, she tried coming up to me and saying hi and still but all I can do is walk away and pretend I have errands to run and things to do. I treated her awfully, for when she was contributing her whole heart out. I was the bad guy in that friendship. If I didn't have feelings for her and she was my best friend, I shouldn't have motivated her to kiss me, or to kiss her back. I shouldn't have gave it the chance for it to happen,. nor should I have allowed it to happen.
I knew she was bi, I knew she doesn't just playing around. I knew shes kind and sensitive, yet I wrecked her like a wrecking ball. I was the reason why she ended up unfriending me and blocked me on facebook. I was the reason why every time I see her on campus or around the hall, she have to put her head down and walk away fast. I was the reason why our friendship turned from being best friends to being just awkward strangers in the street. I really want to say I miss her, I miss being able to talk to someone about things, to be able to speak Chinese openly, and being able to open up and accepted. She actually cared full time rather than my other friends caring only half of the times. Yet I dropped her hard. What was I thinking?
There were so many opportunities where I could have saved the relationship. There were so many times where we could have made up and pretended nothing have happened, yet I chose to do the selfish thing and blocked her off of my life once again.
How stupid of me? Letting one of the most important person go just because of that. Flushed it down the drain like that...
I imagined in my bed, scenaros where I see her, and apologize to her. I see myself talking to her, saying and speaking some sense, giving this whole speech trying to make up for these. But i know no matter how I say it, there would be no way things would just simply go back to normal. Her sister hates me now for wrecking her, and I dont blame her. because if was her sister, I would do the same thing.
I imagined all these different scenarios where I walk up and ask for her time, to ask her "do you hate me?" Apologizing for the years of pain I caused on her, but just now, just half an hour ago, when I saw a back shadow that seems like her but I didn't have the courage to check or even to call her out or pull her back, I felt powerless. I was shakened as if I was in front of a hundred audiences. I was afraid of facing her, all the guilt and fear rushes into my brain, paralyzing me from reaching forward, or to even open my mouth to speak up. My feet began to drag, and I began to walk slower.
She seems exactly like her, the girl seemed exactly like her. The way she walks, the way she position herself, and the way she holds her phone. It makes me think so much, my heart tells me to approach her, to talk to her, to stop her before not seeing her again. This is the chance. Yet in my brain, my logic is telling me the opposite, telling me that I am just heading into a trap. It's stupid, it is really stupid but true.
I wish there was just a time machine, going back to the time where none of these happened, going back to freshmen year, maybe even elementary school and start all over with the knowledge I have of today.

but to bad that is just a narrative of fictional sci-fi that would not happen anytime soon.

If she was reading this today,  I really would hope for her forgiveness, because I am the one at the completely fault of what is happening today.

"Wrecking Ball" the Music Video, Miley Cyrus, and Liam (the breakage of engagement)

Have you all saw this image and maybe a few more like these? Yes, Miley Cyrus and her new music video, "Wrecking Ball" have became it hit. Maybe due to the last VMA performance Miley did that stunned practically everyone in the audience, or just maybe the nudity in the scenes.I know I have no right to say things about her or judge her, but come her, look at all her action and then you tell me that she did all these out of heartbreak. Okay, I understand, maybe a breakage of long period engagement with her beloved Liam really hurt her emotionally and perhaps physically, but that doesn't give a reason to go all out on nudity and inappropriate actions. I mean many of the fan were disappointed of her actions. I honestly loved her when she still had some dignity rather than all pole dancing around Robin Thicke, not to mention the foam finger action.

 It's like saying, yeah Miley, you look like you're definitely depress and breaking down.

Liam broke off the engagement through the convencing of his brother. He stated that he wasn't happy in the relationship, and staying in it just makes him depress. And I am not surprised, I mean look at how Miley acts now a days, I would be depress if my girlfriend fiance was like that. Shit, I would beat the crap out of her, haha just kidding. But to be honest, they really do look adorable together, no matter how she changed.

From this....

To this....

To that! 

No matter how you look at it, those two together just makes you go "daw". And even as much as I hate Miley and her actions right now, looking at these pictures really do make me smile because of how cute and compatible they look. Yes, it's a tragic that the engagement was broken off, but that doesn't mean you have to go off nude and show it to the whole world and screaming that I am going crazy now that he is gone. 

Just because a man leaves your life doesn't mean you have to wreck your own life to make things worst. And quite frankly, I don't think that is the right attitude, or the right way of trying to get Liam back, Miley. I mean I don't mean by writing a love break up song like Tayor Swift....

but then you don't have to act all Gaga or 10 times worst than Gaga and Taylor Swift Combined (no offense to them, because I actually love them very much! I'm a Swifty myself). But seriously Miley, get your track back together. Fix your image, or at least stop hurting yourself by showing your nudeness to the whole world. 

Feel free to leave comments on your thoughts and such. I'm all open.

Rememberance ; la douleur

This was written on Friday I believe, but just let me copy and paste this because I think I never got the chance to put this up.

Am I stupid to expect him to change, and to understand? Am I selfish for asking for simple things like talking to me at night? I see other people, and then I look at myself. I push off all of my sweet time to be with him regardless of anything, and all he can do, the best he can do is pushing SOME of his time and except my appreciation? What appreciation? Let’s be honest, I already lost all of my friends, and don’t even talk to them on the phone anymore, and now this shit? So I push my friends away, it’s something that I am “obligated” to do, and for him to push off gaming night, or even delay it, would literally kill our relationship? Wow, that’s just touchy. Exactly touchy.

Hecking every time I would skip an hangout, or skip and phone conversation. For what reason? Because Danny is finally available, and things like that, yet now a days, guys don’t appreciate, or don’t remember. Well shit.

Humanity in general, tends to remember more of the things they didn’t do, the things they piss you off with, and the things that they disagree with you about more than the things that you did that’s good and such.

In arguments like this, the ones who first remember the rights the opposite do, looses, because obviously, the guilt will come in and hit you in the head.

The funny thing is that, tomorrow is his birthday, and I was actually beginning to write his birthday card when he called, and now with that one call, everything is gone. My idea, my inspiration, everything. Why the hell will he even fight with me on a night like this.

Expectations ; la douleur

It's one of those sometimes that make you realize, throught influences you would expect so much more from a person. From driving all the way there to visit you to valentine chocolate anydays, but regardless, everyone compares their own relationship to another. It could be fictional, or it could be nonfiction. But whatever it is, it makes us wonder not just about the society, but ourselves as well. You can live on your life denying the fact that somebody else influenced you to become the way you are, but you know and cannot deny that somewhere deep within you, you have the desire to achieve forward, into what you think is a better and more valuable relationship where you're being rather than "whatever"ed, you're being treasured. 

There are few friends I see in the relationship that had this great guy in their lives who would just do anything for them. From waiting after every so often to the Kim Possible motto, "call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me". Sometimes I feel like my relationship doesn't achieve in such a great way in compare to those, sometimes I felt like it couldn't even compare to the last one I am in, and the last one I am in, we barely did anything. And maybe that's is the problem itself. Because the last relationship lasted shorter and infact we didn't even get to know each other well to a point to get into an argument. The only thing I remember from tearing are the facts that he sometimes doesn't understand me, but then that's all that there is. And to be honest, I loved him too much. 

From experiences, "too much expectations, too much pain". So pretty much expectation is a part of pain. You expect too much, and then they don't meet up to your expectation, BAM, a scar right in the center of your heart. 

I sometimes tend to wonder about how life is without a boyfriend, or actually being single to date, yes it may sound like the stupidest thing to think about, but to the ones who are in troubled relationship, it's the best thing to think about as of now. We all been through a lot in our lives, but one thing that no matter how much we been through we don't learn from is comparing other people's lives to yours. I mean even from the beginning, comparing lives of others to yours isn't even comparable in the first place. Other people is other people, and you are you. There's always pro and cons to life. Sometimes don't you ever think, "oh thank god that wasn't me." Or like, "thank god that's not my parents." Or even, "thank god I don't live in the same situation." Because the truth is, you know your life is better, at point to point if you're to compare with everyone. There's gotta be fruits one some part of the tree that are sweet. You just need to stop and look around.  

Colorless Worlds

      It's really been a while since I have written an blog huh? College life seems to be catching up to my social life, or maybe the other way around, and blogging is just another thing that's on the back of my head. A lot of things happened throughout all these times; even though I didn't post a blog, it doesn't mean my life goes happily ever after. Sadly, it may be the other way around.
      I dont know where the bad day should start, or even how. Maybe we should start from before Knotts'. Knotts was suppose to be a trip that we all planned to go, and sadly, with everyone's complication, it just made it hard. It first started out with Friend A's break up with her "boyfriend" which leaves her boyfriend unable to go. Then after, Friend B had an super early curfew of 6, which thus leaving the fun out of the amusement park, since come on, who wants to leave that early if they were to pay $40 something to go to a place. Friend C then bailed out because she appearntly decided to make plans after everything's planned out. And ultimately Friend D calls in sick at the day of the trip. Ultimately leaving me having to cancel all of the activities that day.
      Prior to that day, my college buddies and I hung around this girls' house till 2 playing monopoly deal. Haha we are such geeks. BBQ at her house celebrating Cesar Chaves' day even though we don't even know who that person is. Suprisingly, my mom was still awake at 2 am and caught me home late, and was mad as ever, I mean what can an Asian family's daughter be doing at 2 am with her college friends? Answers normally can be simple and just be reponded with few words, but how are you suppose to say, mom we play monopoly deals the whole night till we are tired of it and went home. Like who in the world is going to buy that?
      By now, you may be bored or tired of this article already, yet kind of felt obligated to read the rest since you have came so far. Well, I am telling you, its not worth your time...so with that in mind, if you have something better to do at this time, feel free to do so.
      Well as I move on back to the point of my story, I was willing to risk my groundingness to hang with my friends at amusement park than to make excuses and cancel, which appearnatly none of my other friends can do. Jenny then was a bit upset, so we planned a hangout at the mall a little after the morning cancellation, but little do I know our wifi router broke down, leaving me connectionless since everything from home phone to computer is "internet-needed". I dont have a cell phone, parents are not home, how in the world am i suppose to contact anyone like that? Appearantly right after Jenny and I planned, Danny and I got in a fight because I inserted Jenny's hangout as a priority, which was then cancelled, and thus pissing me off more. Leaving me with nothingness, I ended up going home after staying in my car for three hour, roaming in my seat aimlessly.
      I began to view the world differently. I begun to see it a little gray, a little black and white. What happened to all the colors, I would ask myself. What happened to all those times where I held my beliefs.

Gone.
Gone.
All gone.

Maybe that's what long term trust gets you,
fucking no where.

The apology before storm

"Sweetie I am berry berry sorry for not texting you to tell you that I am berry berry much "

"Here I am sitting in the car rewriting a apology, feeling like just got yelled by my English teacher. I am berry berry sorry for no texting you. Next time I will text you if you can't wake up in the morning. I am also sorry for being a bad alarm clock, I'll do better next time. I love you, MUAH MUAH "

There's always the calm, the calm before the storm. The calm before anything would arrive. It's the calmness that causes the hecticness to appear in unnecessary places. It's the calm before the storm.

dating ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

       I really don't know if I should be happy or sad. I mean to be honest. Today had its balance, but also confusion, argument, anger, depression, jealousy and many other more things. To be honest, today was the true balancing day of my life. I hit the low and I hit the high.
       Today started off okay with parents gone and everything, then follow by lunch with brother and brother in law's family. Thing seems all great until going to the autoshop. Parents refuse to pay $101 dollar to fix my bottom plastic bumper thingy that kinda half came off because I hit a dip too hard. I grew attitude, though it's embarrasing probably to them, but they still ignored it. Adrian, a latino who came from Mexico two years or so ago was chatting with me before I got depress and we kinda made a friendship bond. And with that, he helped taped my front thingy with my tape that I brought. So here I am giving Adrian a SPECIAL SHOUT OUT!! THANKS ADRIAN FOR MAKING MY MORNING AND AFTERNOON!!
      On the way back, my mom begun to nag about my attitude towards things. How I am not grateful for the things I have, and how much worst my siblings had it, and how wasteful I am with money. I grew angrier and angrier. I told her, "How in the world am I the one who is wasteful? I practically spend money on anything, and I never ask you guys for anything. I don't ask you guys for cell phone, I don't ask you guys for eletronics, I dont ask you guys for toys or games. I don't even complain about what all my friends have that I dont have. Even what all my nieces and nephews have that I dont have. I don't see why you're being like this."
      And with that in mind, as we came home, I was already face covered with tears and anger. I waited for everyone to get out of the car and locked the door and grabbed the trashcan up while nagging at my mom's arguement. My dad on the other hand tried to be the peace maker by telling me, "That's not what your mom meant, she just meant since you're a new driver and doesnt know the basics we want you to learn and become stable in dirving first, and when you can drive the car safely I'll buy you and brand new car okay?" That actually soothed a lot of my anger away but I was still offended.
      That evening under request I went and crashed guy A and my best friend(B)'s date because I was really depress and didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go home to the place where no warmth existed, no care and no family.B agreed, and I got to say, that was the best decision she ever made. As we hung out, meet point started at B's house, then we met with the guys (A and his friend C) at fluff ice and went on from there. As we finally decided on a restruant, we went only to realize that they didn't go in to save seats for us.
      The main point came when by the end of the dinner, A paid for C's meal meanwhile he didnt even think about paying for his date's meal, which was B. B and I literally dropped our jaws in surprise, and just stared at him. Because B and I shared a meal, escencially it is cheaper than C's and yet he didn't think to treat her meal.
      B decided to head to a boba place or tea house after to hang out, and while driving there all complaining about how he'd rather treat a friend than a date. And sadly, I had to stand on her side for that. I told B, that she got to be straight forward and tell him how she feels so then he would change for him, because truthfully, that's the same or simliar issue happening between me and current, present. And truth is, I want them to realize a bit earlier so they would get use to it unlike me.
      At the end of the whole hangout, I was proud of A as he treated and paid for all of us including me! I was happy, haha but the most importantly, it widened B's eyes. She thought that he would've never changed, and what do you know? He changed! As we headed back to the parking lot, due to my forcement, they begun to hold hands...well, its a start, just hooking hands I guess counts too, since to them holding hands are too awkward. But then as he walks us to our car, I insisted a hug before A heads off, I told B forcefully, "If you two don't hug, I am not going home." So, they hugged, behind a pole to hide, but it was so cute!
     I myself got a little jealous, I mean all the courage these two had with each other, I would never have with anyone. I am so jealous of their kind of honest relationship, and jealous of the fact that A changed so much in a day for her. Sigh. Past, current, present, I am confused.

and now out of no where its pouring. sighs. oh raining 11:56pm

It was now I realized, I have techincally never really dated anyone before starting of an relationship, it just someone starts around the time of dating. Sighs.

Dark-Side ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя ·

      Lies, one by one will catch up in time. Sooner or later you will realize the things that had happen, the things that you have told others, the lies, though may cover that current moment, but it wouldn't be able to cover things forever. Like crimials, thinking that they may be able to hide forever, but there's not a forever in things. Sometimes if destiny doesnt catch up to you in time, death would. Simple enough.
      I have been lying a lot. To many, I may be this one young innocent child who just turned 18, but inside lies many deep dark secrets, lies that I would never risk my life to reveal and lose everything. I know lying in the first place have its consequence. It's either them finding out and you risking to lose things, or you gamble with chance and hope for the best. And that's what I actually do best.
      Many thinks they know me, they know how I work and all, but what they dont know is my evil side, my dark side. I seem like a happy and sunshine person, but inside fill with desire and desperateness for things that I am not able to retrieve. And sometimes that dark side tends to take over me and try to gain what it wants. I can't simply just say I lost control of my good side, because truth is, human is neutral, they have both good and bad sides, but its what they want to pick, and it's obvious for me I'd rather be picking the evil at times even though I knew there would be consequences. Isn't that strange? We knew there would be consequences but the desire is so strong that you would go for it anyways.
      I didn't know about my dark side for a long time. In fact, I didnt know that I had one until recently. It wasn't till present current and I got into a big fight and near break up to make me realize that over time, how much of the evil have taken over me. I was beginning to fear my other side thats starting to mix with my good side. But there have to be an invitation to begin with for that to be able to occur. My evil side obviously didn't wake itself up, but something obviously triggered it. That's the same for everyone. You aren't born with pure evilness, your born neutral in a sense, and the decision to stay that way or not its all up to you and the environment that you live in.
      Where am I now? Am I ready to get to know myself better? Or am I better off just living with the fact of knowing about my little evil side? I question myself sometimes, why would I choose the decision I chosen, but then the answer still remains unclear. It's really funny how things turn out in life.
      Like 01.19.2013.

Anticipation.

Anticipation. What I use to have before being with present. What I had always liked and get excited over. How would every thing be like if we weren't over? How would everything turn out if we were t over? I really did love him. I really did miss him.
I had a dream a while back. Not a ordinary dream, but then a dream about past. A dream about seeing past while camping in Yosemite by the beach. Around the restroom, where I came out from (and trust me that restroom wasn't all that pretty either, besides the bike that was there w a jacket or helmet in which I cannot remember). It suddenly turned into a line w people lining up and be was there. His hands were wrapped in a scarf. Well one hand. And his other? Holding his other hand. As I passed by we saw each other. At first I avoided his eye contact. Then I looked back, and accepted the truth of his existence. Not just in life but in everything else. Afterwards, I had a bucket in my hand. And I guess I was suppose to fill it up for my nephew. But it was really heavy. And behind me was past and a random guy. Probably a friend of his. As I filled the water I asked, "aren't you guys gonna help?" And slowly they came up, the water was taking forever to fill too! When finally full past attempted to help but before anything I lifted the bucket myself and spill some water but then to prevent more spills I dropped water around the cemented ground and then went to my nephews as the two guys followed. The dream ended w me pouring the bucket of water on the area of sand that my nephew was digging hole on. It was an happy dream. A dream that I never thought of dreaming about. But then again, maybe I have but then I just simply don't recall it.

The dream follow that after falling asleep again was about visiting Taiwan. Grandmas house of course. But not all goes well ends well you know. Sometimes it's just that simple. My second aunt died and that house was sold. Sighs. I really wish I could go back and visit everyone before they leave one by one :(

true friendship; short.

      Today's lesson is, no matter how depress it is, no matter how much fight you get into, friends are always there for you. Well, true friends actually. And by far, the only set of true friends I have by far obtain is these two, who are truely true friends of mine. Who when I need them the most, always there for me. And for sure, I am thankful for them. Thank you lord or whoever is above for giving me this chance to be with them, to enjoy moments of smile.
      I always question friendship at times because all it seems like is when you need them, they are there, and when you dont need them, their nothing to you. But those two, they are always there, sometimes one is more than another, but truthfully speaking, no matter how much fight you get into with them, you know in the end all you desire is getting back on being friends with them! because that's just exactly how much they mean to you! (:

No pain, no gain. Well too much happiness so no need to blog today! :D until next time!

love complex. ;ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      All I ever wanted, was to see you smiling, all I ever wanted was you to be right beside me, all I ever wanted was you and me. Why cant you ever see that? You're so stupid. I always loved you and only you. No matter how many guys I try to have a crush on, when I see you, it's like a auto reset, all back to you again. No matter how hard I try, to forget you, to erase you from my past, it just seem impossible.
      I thought I erased you completely, this whole 6 month, being in a relationship with someone who I had a crush on, thinking that that will make whatever we had over. I thought I could do it, I thought that you and I was really over until that day, when I faced you once again. My heart, instantly recognized you from a far. It didnt take long for it to start racing from the top. My mind, already panicking and wanting to run away. I calmly reacting on the outside, acting a bit nervous, because what am I suppose to do? All the symptom of love is showing, something I cannot stop myself from. I am seriously hopelessly in love and denial. Why will I leave you in the first place? More ever, why did I leave you?
      I dont know anymore. Is it wrong to be feeling like this for your ex? And more ever, is it wrong to be comparing and missing your ex each time when your current present does something that to you, no boyfriend should do? I guess.
      Today when he went off, hanging up and decide to end the whole night's conversation just in 20 minutes, it made me felt uneasy. The insecurity kicked in. All those calls back then, he would never leave me within this short of a time. Even for gaming, I remember the first month, actually the first few month when we use to skype starting from 7, he would invite me into the chat that he had with Rudi when he's playing video game with him. Now, just a simple, hey Rudi fixed his game, I'll text you later. Not even a offer of wanting to stay there with Rudi and him. Well I guess guys have their gaming world, but honestly, I guess its really true that guys will treat you like you are all they got the first few month of the relationship and slowly back down.
      As the time progresses, I started to see the progressing of laying back kicking in. From early calls as early as 5, or 7 PM to now a 11:30 PM or 12 AM call. From a I'll walk to your house everyday at 9 and get there at 9:30 AM to a I might get to your house at 11 AM and then maybe fall asleep and end up not waking up until 1 PM, and say a sorry and pretend like nothing's happened.
      Relationship is a strange thing. The longer it last, the more greedy you came upon, and the more you would want. Before just a simple holding hand would do, and now, without harrasment it wouldnt do the day? Does all guy wish for this? I started out just wanting a simple love, where no harrasing is involved, and look what I am into now. From a thought of no sex until marriage to a relationship will only last if you have sex with me, and the maximum limit I am giving you is our anniversary date. Like honestly, its not that I am insecure, its just thats my way of thinking. How my mind is set to. No sex unless marriage. No matter what the hormones are telling me, I am gonna stick with my belief, and when you came in and hit me, it really got me confused. What should I do? I dont want to lose you, but nor will I want to lose my virginity this early. Sigh, I dont even know anymore.
      What is love? You tell me that you are doing this because you love me, you are doing this, wanting the sex because it will bring us closer. But honestly tell me which guy doesnt crave for sex. I am just a girl with naive thoughts being tainted more and more as the days go on. I am confused now. At times I really want to break up, break it, I cant handle sex, I really cant, but then I really do want to be with him. I do care for him and all. And I do put effort, but going through sex is really just too much for me. I really hoped he would've understood, but then maybe I am wrong, afterall he is still a guy.
      Can someone please tell me what to do?I am here, lost once again.

      There's a Christmas Party I been planning for a whole two month, wanting it to be perfect, or at least good, but relectant on whether or not I should invite my current. The thoughts battle each other each time behalf of his action, and now I am stuck. A few moments ago when I was still on the phone with him I really wanted to tell him, then when he chose gaming over me, I shrink back into my shell. Maybe I should just wait, and time will tell.



Until next time.

yisa yu 暖心 <- great depressing song if  you want something sad and sounds nice ^_^.