"Almost Lover"

"Almost Lover"

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me

Images

And when you left you kissed my lips

You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy

To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

=====

I don't know why, listening to this song is just making me sad, especially with all the things that are occurring as of now. All the stress that is passing by and all the moments where I go like where am I? Why am I doing this? What's wrong with me. I don't know if its finals week finally acting up upon me, or just me losing my trace of thoughts and thinking, but for whatever reason, it is very unclear to me on all the things that are going on right now. It is also very unclear to me to all the action I have been conducting. I don't know what to blame or who to blame, even if I should be blaming anyone in the first place.
I feel like this lost lamb in the plain green grass field, confused about where I am, confused about what my goal is in life. I feel like a failure, not knowing what I want to do with my future, not having confidence in my own choice. Just living each day as if there is a next, wandering aimlessly among the rest. As people began to transfer out of this dumb community college, I am just here, still walking, lost in the same spot where I started, confused. To make the matters worst, I don't even have much motivation to study, with me having high level of distraction, it almost seemed as if I have ADD at some point
I need a mentor, I feel like I need someone to talk to about my problems. But who is there I can talk to in regards to problems like this. I never told anyone this, maybe because I am afraid of what others might say, or just simply because no one seems to care enough for me to mention it. I haven't found someone whom I can trust. I haven't found that one person who will understand all the things I have done completely. But as individual unique beings, of course no two would think alike and I understand. Yet still I am on this very spot, lost and confused. 
I want to cry sometimes, thinking about everything that had happened to me. All the things that had occurred. The unexpected, the never thought would happen scenarios that occurred. Why do they happen? Why did I chose to let it happen? I often asked myself, why did I ever do that? Why did I ever chose that path over others? Other times I would close my eyes and try to escape. The voices that echos in my head often, the little whisper of "no"s, and the uncertainty of "yes"es. The constant reminder that all the rest will be biting back at me later on, the karma so they call it. 
I started to ignore of good conscious, I began to ignore my bad feelings and let the flow waves take me. Is that a good thing? Is it a bad thing? It's something I know one day I will be sad about soon, is something that will caught up to me one day. But all in my head as of now was, living in the current, living in the days rather than thinking about the future. 
I remember a few days ago, on Monday night, I wanted to cry, I wanted to break down. I was scared of who I was becoming. I felt the potential of me becoming someone who I no longer know, and the worst part was it's myself that I no longer know. I wanted to call my first, I wanted to see how it is doing all of a sudden. I want to see how he is doing. To be honest, I might still have a space somewhere for him. Although I haven't seen him since the time where I had a terrible headache, I haven't seen him since the trip to Universal Studios. I want to know if he moved on yet, if he finally found someone that he loves, someone that he finally cares about and cares about him back. Those moments where I was with him seems so fade, so far away. When was the last time we had a real talk? Never. When was the last time we had a heart to heart talk? Probably the only time I ever admitted that I liked him. Truth be told, I don't know what I am doing relationship wise. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship yet, maybe I need a break from guys, from love and crush. Maybe for now I should focus on what I need to and should do with myself. No more kisses and hugs, not from anyone, not from the one. 

It's okay self, one more week until you're officially isolated from the school, from the entire campus. Just one more week. 







































Good bye my hopeless lover, goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be?So long, my luckless romance, my back is turned on you, I should've known you'd bring me heartache.
Almost lovers always do

Forever gone ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

     Losing past. Choosing to lose past, here I thought I made the right choice, but maybe I am wrong. I mean, was I ever happy? Ever in love with current present? I am not even sure myself. I doubt myself at time, trying to convince myself, this is what I want. Present, current, not past. But of course that was just convincing. I don't understand love anymore, why can't it be simple? But then again, complication is what makes up life now isn't it?
      Like what I do every often, I tend to check upon his facebook, knowing that we were no longer friends on facebook, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see his everything, at least I have some little things I can still see. We weren't friends, but then we weren't complete stranger either. Then it was yesterday before I fell asleep that I realize something. Past have blocked me out of his life once again on facebook. I could no longer view his things. Similar things have happened before, its so weird and strange. First it was me blocking him, both of his account, because he kept stalking me, trying to message me nonstop, adding me, etc, then I unblocked him after a time period because he gave up on me, and I of course, wanted him back. Strange isn't it? Psychotic i would prefer. Then of course he added me, later on around april fools when we started talking again. Then when I begin to ignore him after graduation, or maybe a little before? He unfriended me, probably because he knew what I was doing. But then around my birthday, actually on my birthday, he greeted me a happy birthday. And that was it, a day later, I thought of it so much, that I actually replied, breaking my own rules about not talking to him ever. Then a month back or so? Or two weeks ago, when eating at a cafe, meeting him by either fate or coincidence, I avoided him, not because it was embarrsing, but because I still loved him, my heart still pounded for him, still raced for him. I still blushed for him, but of course I didnt express any of those out beside the blushing because there's nothing I could do about it. And I guess eventually sometime around these weeks he blocked me. Why I wonder. Why.
      If he is over me, shouldn't he not block me, but instead, pretend I was someone else? If he didn't cared anymore or loved me, why would he block me if I am no threat to him? Because of that I started wondering the whole night. What was he thinking?
      Sometimes, just sometimes I wish things were to be back normal. Back in those middle school days where things were easier. When current, present isnt here, and past is still chasing after me. And our connection and bond was so strong that no matter where, we attract each other. I missed that. I missed you past. I really did. And in fact, still kinda do at times. Thinking of losing you wouldnt, and shouldnt be this painful. I was wrong. Way wrong. And I am sorry. It's just too bad that you wouldnt see this ever. Or else, maybe we would have had another chance.

ιт'ѕ coмplιcαтed. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα

      Looking through your pictures, looking through my comments, looking through those replies that you given. A few simple comment could already bring up a whole stack of memories. Then what am I suppose to do when I see you face to face once again?
      You, posting a picture of your self with long hair, because I never seen you in a suit, because I told you to grow out your hair.
      Me, commenting on the picture with just one word, "fat." can trigger up a smile upon your face.
      You, seeing the short comment, can rise with an smile and reply with things like, "again???? -.- LOL xDD hahahaha slap ur face later LOL xDD". Just with that one sentence, nostalgic feeling of us being together came back to me again.
      It is wrong? Should I not have these kind of feelings? Already half way through the day, yet you are still in my mind. Thinking that I was long over you, finally forgetting your existence, oh boy was I wrong. Even though denial towards myself works, but then when reality hits in, nothing can stop it, nothing can stand in the way of it.
      Why, why did I break up with you? Why did I ignore you? Why couldn't I face you? Is my love for you too much for me myself to handle? Perhaps that's the reason why. The reason why I can't love you anymore. Maybe its because of how strong my love is for you that's making me pulling myself away from you.
      It's stupid, because ever since young, I always thought love is real, love is pure, love is everything you think it is. And just like fairy tales, true love will last forever. Watching drama in my teenage years, I begin to wonder why are people so stupid? Why would they pull themselves away from the ones that loves them truely for the ones that even though loves them but contradict themselves. And why do others who truely love each other run away from each other, and cause misunderstandings? Although in the end things always resolve, it just tends to piss me off, why will they even think of leaving each other? If they love each other, if it was love at first sight or true love, why will the avoid each other. Then it was not until I hit high school that I begin to come to an understanding.
      Love is a strange word, it cannot be simply defined. And with just an phrase, "I Love You." Though can fill you up with warmth, or happiness, its mostly a lie. People when they say the phrase, 90% of them probably don't even mean them. Stupid complex love. Why is it so complicated?
      I use to think, that love is already enough, love itself can fullfill anything, and can last forever. My head's been sticking to that thoughts stronger everyday, until high school. Junior year hit me.
      It was junior year that all the things happened, and it was junior year that my heart was first broken, then back in love, then confused, then turned to complicated. Even now, I am still confused. I dont even know what to do anymore.
      Maybe people are right, money can really change things. Economic stands can really change things. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you really just simply cant be with them, especially when you're as selfish as me. Everything that happened up to today is my fault, my choice, and if I ruined it, of course, its me that's suppose to be the one to be pointed finger at. <- im not even sure if that makes sense. But sigh, one more final to go, so until next blog of the day.

until then!

chao!