Good bye spring in winter.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!(:

This will probably be one of the last post I post this year, not because I am constantly busy, or because I'm lazy or go out too often, but because my heart is broken into pieces. It all started a few days ago when my friend asked a waiter for a number for me. He's dashingly cute, tall, great face feature and just everything about him makes me smile. I guess it's just love you know. In love, guys tend to look flawless in comparison. "I'm going to find someone someday who might actually treat me well" 

"Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now"

Sigh Taylor swift knows how I feel :( 

Well anyways so I got his number, we texted a bit and then he stopped texting, and from then? Never again :( you have no idea how my heart broke that day (which is the very same day) where he stopped replying. Sigh. 

I mean can someone give me a tip on how to communicate with him? I mean :( is he not interested in me because our text was boring? Or did he just give me his number just because it's hard to reject on the spot? 

Sigh I don't even know. I kinda just gave up I guess. Good bye the ten dollars my friend waged on the table :( good bye everything else. >_< I think I'm just gonna cry myself to a broken heart tonight.

I mean this is weird because this is the first time being rejected so hard :( but then again I really suck at chasing after people, I mean if you know me and look at the people I fell for and chase after, it's like did you really do that? 

Haha, yeah :(. 

Well back to this guy who I guess I just revealed his name because of the picture. 

HE PROBABLY LIED ABOUT NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN :( GAHH I can't believe I actually wanted his number :( and I can't believe I assumed he would like me.  Sigh, why is chasing guys so hard? Only if it was easier. But then again, he's like 29 years old, a bit too old for me huh. :/ yeah it's kinda funny story too. As a kid I was always like, I'm not going to date anyone older than at most 3 years older and never someone younger, yet today I'm fine with Bryan, who is like what! Ten years older than me! ARG! Stupid jenny :( you're just like stabbing yourself in the chest for doing that. Accepting someone into your heart who doesn't even probably feel a thing for you but pity and awh. Your only 19, not like 27 or 28! Good bye Bryan. 

Well anyways :( one of my sisters friend, he's like 40 something? He is dating this girl the same age as me. Crazy stuff. Haha the ironic part is a few years back, my sister joked with him about how he can date me, when I was like less than ten years old. And he was like, "oh your sick!" And today, guess what? He's dating someone my age. Hahaha ironic I know, but he's a baby face like this guy I know from college, so he really doesn't look that old yet. Well but yeah. 

Sigh diary, this is crazy, I can't get him out of my head, Bryan. :( at least if he doesn't want me to text him, don't avoid me, just don't give me your number in the first place! Gosh. #problemwithguys

Seriously. 

Losing myself. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      The pain, here I am again, wanting to have a blade cut through my veins. Maybe that will stop me from leaking the pain slowly. The heart stabbing is slowly killing me. I wonder, why couldn't anyone understand me? Is it because I am not worth the time to be understood? Or what was it?
      My current have finally offically hang up and ignored my calls. I guess he is tired of me, but this time what did I do wrong? This time he asked for whether I'll be around on christmas or not, because he can only go with one or the other. Well, very well, but due to the arguement and the sudden call my sister have to dial. He doesnt understand how much her words hurted me mentally. No one knew how fragile my mentality is, but of course they wouldn't, because no one really cared about my mentality. I can be totally mentally unstable and all current wants is me stop crying, and to my family, ha like they fucking cared in the first place.
      Why couldn't I spared with a bit more understanding? Why is this world so unfair? Perfect boyfriend? Boyfriend I want? i think by dating current, I am beginning to know what I want for an boyfriend. But the more I realize what I want, the more I realize I wouldnt be able to get it from him.
      I want a guy who when a girl cry, doesnt just hug them and pat, but try to hear things out. Doesnt just force tears to stop by threatening or kissing, but by being patient and understanding and talk it through. I want a boyfriend when I get mad or sad over a parental issue, doesnt just go, "What am I suppose to do?" or "Just cope with it, because as of now there's nothing I can do." etc, but instead trying to say positive things and comforts. But then of course, I want more that are simliar to these, but then of course, those are not going to be true now are they?

      But then what if they are all right, my family, parents, siblings and boyfriend? What if I am inconsiderate, selfish, one minded, taking everything for granted, and unthankful for everything around me? What if i am just another hypocrite that doesnt understand myself as good as I thought I had manage to understand myself? What if I am mentally illed?

      I dont know anymore. Living under this family really sometimes get to me. The pain, the confusion, losing myself in the process. What is happiness?

money value & family ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя *

      In the faces of jealousy  what do I see? An sister who is jealous of the amount of money that was gained from her younger sibling. Honestly, what's her deal? Okay first thing first, sister called in, at this hour, a week or so before christmas, maybe half of a week but anyways, asking me if I wanted to go with her to their in-laws' christmas party. Those rich party filled with people who had billions and billions of dollars saved into their bank account. She asked me if I wanted participate in their secret santa, and the deal was that the minimum purchase of a gift was $50 dollar. Like damn, do those rich people have no where else to spend their money? $50 dollar each? Please, I can go to universal studio with those kind of money. And then she comes and give me a talk about the spirit of giving, and how I don't have the spirit of giving. Well excuse me, my bad, gee, thinking that out of the whole entire family, your sister would know you the best, it turns out that she doesnt even know you as much as you think she does.
      In shock of hearing, $50 dollar as minimum purchase, I gasped, not knowing what in the world to do.Okay, I understand those people they play their games, because what? Because their rich, maybe $50 doesnt worth that much to them, but being raised in Monterey Park, $50 to me is kind of over the top. I mean shopping for gifts around $10 bucks around breaks my heart not to mention $20 or $30, but now $50? I guess its alright because what I am getting back is probably more than $50, but the honestly, really? Sometimes it just worries me how these kind of things works. I understand that every year I go to cindy's party, and I recieve her gifts every year and all, and two years ago, it was a necklace, a really pretty one from ingrid's favorite jewlery store, and last year was a $100 dollar gift card to a sporty kind of outfit store, and cindy especially told me that I need to call her about it and she will drive all the way here to take me to shop with her. Sometimes at moment like these, I wish my parents were more giving, in a sense.
      I understand that my sister is in a better place now, being married into a rich family, and having a high status compare to everyone else. I know she's more giving and probably have a bigger heart than any or probably everyone. But with that sense in mind, like really? Honestly, how do you live with yourself, think back, okay I dont get allowence like you do sister, back in the days you probably get $40 a week or maybe a month, but in my whole life, I only probably get $20 on a birthday, and that's about it. I sometimes really wonder, did money really change a person? Does the value of money change just because you live in a higher status? I mean really, you guys can totally pick up five roll of the quarters and buy their gifts, and those are just from the laundry machines itself. I dont get that kind of privilege.
      Sometimes I laugh at myself, trying to back up my family, try to blend in with them, when truthfully I dont blend in with anyone at all. And to be honest, I kind of dont want to blend in with them anymore. Not this family I am in now. Cindy, she is truely a nice person from heart, and god bless her. Vincent is a lucky husband, and also another nice person, god bless those two. They are like godly couples, beyond anything you can think or imagine.
      Throughout the whole conversation I had with my sister, all she said is how selfish I am and how disappointed she is, that I am not using the $2000 dollar I had in my bank for $50 dollar gift. Okay, those are my leg hit fee. Really? She's using that against me? I cannot believe it. Yeah, maybe in her eye, 50/2000 isnt a lot of loss, but then to me, that is a lot of loss. Too much in I sense that I dont want to lose it.
      I guess I will just have to cancel the winterbreak with her. I dont know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but then hey. If anything goes wrong, I guess Danny will be the one there for me, like he said, he will always be there for me. And I am forever grateful for him. I love him. I dont know how my world would turn out without him in my life right now. It probably would be quite painful. Oh the pain. Ha, so much for christmas. Well, what did I say about this year anyways? Its okay, its going to end soon anyways, before the wold starts.
      I look around, and I find myself where I started....

love complex. ;ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      All I ever wanted, was to see you smiling, all I ever wanted was you to be right beside me, all I ever wanted was you and me. Why cant you ever see that? You're so stupid. I always loved you and only you. No matter how many guys I try to have a crush on, when I see you, it's like a auto reset, all back to you again. No matter how hard I try, to forget you, to erase you from my past, it just seem impossible.
      I thought I erased you completely, this whole 6 month, being in a relationship with someone who I had a crush on, thinking that that will make whatever we had over. I thought I could do it, I thought that you and I was really over until that day, when I faced you once again. My heart, instantly recognized you from a far. It didnt take long for it to start racing from the top. My mind, already panicking and wanting to run away. I calmly reacting on the outside, acting a bit nervous, because what am I suppose to do? All the symptom of love is showing, something I cannot stop myself from. I am seriously hopelessly in love and denial. Why will I leave you in the first place? More ever, why did I leave you?
      I dont know anymore. Is it wrong to be feeling like this for your ex? And more ever, is it wrong to be comparing and missing your ex each time when your current present does something that to you, no boyfriend should do? I guess.
      Today when he went off, hanging up and decide to end the whole night's conversation just in 20 minutes, it made me felt uneasy. The insecurity kicked in. All those calls back then, he would never leave me within this short of a time. Even for gaming, I remember the first month, actually the first few month when we use to skype starting from 7, he would invite me into the chat that he had with Rudi when he's playing video game with him. Now, just a simple, hey Rudi fixed his game, I'll text you later. Not even a offer of wanting to stay there with Rudi and him. Well I guess guys have their gaming world, but honestly, I guess its really true that guys will treat you like you are all they got the first few month of the relationship and slowly back down.
      As the time progresses, I started to see the progressing of laying back kicking in. From early calls as early as 5, or 7 PM to now a 11:30 PM or 12 AM call. From a I'll walk to your house everyday at 9 and get there at 9:30 AM to a I might get to your house at 11 AM and then maybe fall asleep and end up not waking up until 1 PM, and say a sorry and pretend like nothing's happened.
      Relationship is a strange thing. The longer it last, the more greedy you came upon, and the more you would want. Before just a simple holding hand would do, and now, without harrasment it wouldnt do the day? Does all guy wish for this? I started out just wanting a simple love, where no harrasing is involved, and look what I am into now. From a thought of no sex until marriage to a relationship will only last if you have sex with me, and the maximum limit I am giving you is our anniversary date. Like honestly, its not that I am insecure, its just thats my way of thinking. How my mind is set to. No sex unless marriage. No matter what the hormones are telling me, I am gonna stick with my belief, and when you came in and hit me, it really got me confused. What should I do? I dont want to lose you, but nor will I want to lose my virginity this early. Sigh, I dont even know anymore.
      What is love? You tell me that you are doing this because you love me, you are doing this, wanting the sex because it will bring us closer. But honestly tell me which guy doesnt crave for sex. I am just a girl with naive thoughts being tainted more and more as the days go on. I am confused now. At times I really want to break up, break it, I cant handle sex, I really cant, but then I really do want to be with him. I do care for him and all. And I do put effort, but going through sex is really just too much for me. I really hoped he would've understood, but then maybe I am wrong, afterall he is still a guy.
      Can someone please tell me what to do?I am here, lost once again.

      There's a Christmas Party I been planning for a whole two month, wanting it to be perfect, or at least good, but relectant on whether or not I should invite my current. The thoughts battle each other each time behalf of his action, and now I am stuck. A few moments ago when I was still on the phone with him I really wanted to tell him, then when he chose gaming over me, I shrink back into my shell. Maybe I should just wait, and time will tell.



Until next time.

yisa yu 暖心 <- great depressing song if  you want something sad and sounds nice ^_^.

a little special something.

dear secret santa, cough cough and all those people that are reading this, which is probably everyone...

      even though i am the one to tell you you're my secret santa which makes this not make any sense in the first place but then i am still writing here in hopes for some surprises.
      this Christmas might be our very first Christmas not celebrating it just by passing out gifts during lunch break, but instead being all like a family and celebrating it in a house. i don't need or want anything fancy. in fact i know 10 dollar isn't gonna buy much things with the economics going down like this. and inflation, not to mention the price of gas going up.
      moving on....before i move to different topics again..i would totally ask you for a mansion, a car, a limo, a hotel room, five star restaurant all you can eat, and all those things, but i am not going to, because why? I am a little angel so i shouldn't ask for much.
       all i want for Christmas is you! okay unless you are gonna become my slave and all, i don't want you LOL. but uhm i actually don't know what i want for Christmas either. but i definitely don't want food or anything related to it for Christmas, because after all eating them wont be lasting memory after all.


but since my secret santa is a bit slow at things.....perhaps? HERE IT COMES!
      i wish for anything that is piyo piyo related, because i personally love piyo piyo, but please don't connect rubber duckies with piyo piyo nor any other kind of ducks, because their simply not the same. but its so hard to find a cheap piyo product around huh? well i wouldn't know that because i don't go out to buy things much besides for you guys...
      I would love anything that last, as long as it wont pile along with all those junk in my room for those who have seen my room already knows exactly what i mean. and for those who dont, you will just have to imagine.
      so with that in mind, i don't need bar soaps, lotions (oh god i got tons of them actually), or any of the bath products. MAKE UP? MAKE UP? don't kid yourself. jenny don't use makeup...like ever! clothing? uhm go ahead but don't buy me a small, because i don't fit into them. i am between a medium and large, i am just saying. jacket definitely a large but then where the heck are you gonna buy a 10 bucks jacket these days? so nvm that.
      so with those aside, really anything is fine. i just don't want bath related product or food related, or kitchen related things, and no junks please. (: definitely prefer piyo things. giftcard would be nice too. but yeah. thanks santa.
      A PHONE WOULD BE SUPER NICE TOO! but you know that's kinda impossible, nor is a driver's license . so yeah, thanks! (:

eveɴтѕ - ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      Events tends to be tiring at times, but then it's the joy in the process of mkaing it happening that makes it enjoyable and fun to bare with. Many times I tend to ask myself, why am I putting so much effort into things that maybe we should all be working towards, and then i realize the answer, because the joy and the happiness you get from seeing their face tends to be priceless. Even a simple smile or thank you really tends to make up for those troublesome moments. You may not understand what I am saying but you know happiness isn't to keep to one self but to share it among with everyone else.
     Maybe that's what the Grinch's heart grew bigger and bigger as he saw the ray of happiness shining upon the city even though they were present-less. So did Grinch really stole Christmas? Or in a sense was he really the Santa that showed everyone what Christmas was all about? The one who united them all? Oh the irony.  
      Well as for now, here's the event as it goes on so far. The list is so ironically combined. I mean Ann and Jenny haha, that is like connect two of the same magnet, always repel against each other yet now their gifting each other gifts. Haha, hopefully through this it would make them closer together. And last secret Santa that we played during senior year Melissa's secret Santa was Jocelyn, and Melissa was my secret Santa. It's very funny how things turned out. Maybe that's life for you.
      I don't know about you guys, but my favorite part of the whole season is seeing everyone's happy and joyful face and Christmas shopping. Perhaps shopping is in all girl's genes, but then i don't know why, when i shop for someone else i tend to be happier than shopping for myself, maybe its the excitement you get when you think of their face when they receive the present and all. Or maybe the season is just a bit overly jolly that you tend to not be able to wipe away that smile. But for whatever it is, it sure makes the whole year worth the wait.

      The Secret Santa List:

Ann Yee - Jenny Lu

Jenny Lu - Ann Yee

Connie Lai - Jenny Chuang

Melissa Hua - Jocelyn Del Rio

Jenny Chuang - Melissa Hua

Jocelyn Del Rio - Connie Lai

      I am pretty sure i didnt write this in my last blog, but then my parents removed my doorknob..why you ask? Because my parents are multi-house owner or landlord i guess? And they rent out their houses, and in one of their houses they needed a doorknob, and our of the whole house, our of all the doorknobs they could have taken, they decide to take mine. And I am the one who uses my doorknob the most. Isnt this ironically? I mean yeah i would totally understand if i never use my doorknob and all, but no, none of my parents use their door knob yet i am the one who they take away from. Sigh. That's life for you. Well until next time.