Losing past. Choosing to lose past, here I thought I made the right choice, but maybe I am wrong. I mean, was I ever happy? Ever in love with current present? I am not even sure myself. I doubt myself at time, trying to convince myself, this is what I want. Present, current, not past. But of course that was just convincing. I don't understand love anymore, why can't it be simple? But then again, complication is what makes up life now isn't it?
Like what I do every often, I tend to check upon his facebook, knowing that we were no longer friends on facebook, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see his everything, at least I have some little things I can still see. We weren't friends, but then we weren't complete stranger either. Then it was yesterday before I fell asleep that I realize something. Past have blocked me out of his life once again on facebook. I could no longer view his things. Similar things have happened before, its so weird and strange. First it was me blocking him, both of his account, because he kept stalking me, trying to message me nonstop, adding me, etc, then I unblocked him after a time period because he gave up on me, and I of course, wanted him back. Strange isn't it? Psychotic i would prefer. Then of course he added me, later on around april fools when we started talking again. Then when I begin to ignore him after graduation, or maybe a little before? He unfriended me, probably because he knew what I was doing. But then around my birthday, actually on my birthday, he greeted me a happy birthday. And that was it, a day later, I thought of it so much, that I actually replied, breaking my own rules about not talking to him ever. Then a month back or so? Or two weeks ago, when eating at a cafe, meeting him by either fate or coincidence, I avoided him, not because it was embarrsing, but because I still loved him, my heart still pounded for him, still raced for him. I still blushed for him, but of course I didnt express any of those out beside the blushing because there's nothing I could do about it. And I guess eventually sometime around these weeks he blocked me. Why I wonder. Why.
If he is over me, shouldn't he not block me, but instead, pretend I was someone else? If he didn't cared anymore or loved me, why would he block me if I am no threat to him? Because of that I started wondering the whole night. What was he thinking?
Sometimes, just sometimes I wish things were to be back normal. Back in those middle school days where things were easier. When current, present isnt here, and past is still chasing after me. And our connection and bond was so strong that no matter where, we attract each other. I missed that. I missed you past. I really did. And in fact, still kinda do at times. Thinking of losing you wouldnt, and shouldnt be this painful. I was wrong. Way wrong. And I am sorry. It's just too bad that you wouldnt see this ever. Or else, maybe we would have had another chance.
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