There is a lot of things I honestly don't think I'd ever understand about relationships, but one of the biggest thing is, if two love each other, why wouldthey let each other go like that? Present, who I thought would last longer, who I thought was able to work out with me obviously didn't. Maybe it's because of my attitude (it is, probably 70% because of that), and just the fact that I am extremely unreasonable.
He claims that during the relationship, he lost himself, he lost his priority, and he lost everything he ever cared for before the relationship. And it's true, because of the relationship with me, he dropped math twice, and with the D he got in Fall 2013 (while taking the same math class as me), it marks the 3 strike rule and made him unable to take the same math class at the same college. And that caused him to have to take it at a different college, only to have him drop it again later on that semester, because he couldn't spare time for the class, espeically with the fact that it's in the early morning just doesn't help (since our hangout usually ends late).
After talking to my favorite couple of the century, let's just call them Candice and Kaito. It made me felt how unresovled me and my Present's problem were, how we couldve done it better than just break it there. They have their own struggles, from finaicial struggle to other things like school and etc. Making it extremely hard for them to have time for each other, but they still end up having time for each other. As crazy as it sounds, they been together for what? Nearly two years or something like that, yet we can't even get through 5 month without a talk of breakup. It's really interesting after talking to them, because they have actually struggled through more in the relationship, but they tolerated and try to find a way to see each other even through there is a lot of struggle. Candice, with financial struggle, works three jobs not including student governemnt just to try to help pay bills around the house, making it nearly impossible to hangout with Kaito, her boyfriend. The only time they ever hangout is probably late at night when he picks her up from either work or school, which is the sweetest thing since they live so far away from the college, and he is willing to drive all the way to pick her up. I admire them, but I can't compare our relationship with theirs because they were really close friends before getting together, so I mean when you're already mentally close with them, communication is the least of your issues, so is working through your problems.
What bothered me a lot is when I think about Present's fear of being unable to handle things. It led him to believing that he is unable to be in relationship and work at the same time. Yeah, he is an engineer major, and have a strong desire to work on projects, which he haven't done for a while because of all the other things, he have an internship which he can't focus on fully (well okay i never really forced him to ditch it, he insist on staying the second time, and the first time he left early, and it ended up not really for me anyways), and with student government (which he screws up a lot in because maybe I kept him up late at night and take up a lot ofhis time and stuff), plus family (which he is never there for because he rather hangout with his friends, me, or go to school events than stay at home. At a point in his life, which was recently, he actually wants to find a job just to move out and try living his own life. Yeah, I understand he want to try to gain independence, do what he wants, and not be controlled by his family, but what he doesn't understand, well to me anyways is how he should treasure the time he is able to actually be in that house. I mean there are lots of time where he can go independent after he transfers, not now, because that'd just be stupid, especially when he lives 5 minute away from the school. I mean he might as well use all that energy and effor for school than to have the desire to find a job and move out. I mean its not like his parents harrase him or anything anyways.) But pretty much, from all the concerns there is up there, many he leads it back to the relationshtip, and he never talks with me about it. It isn't one's job to try to figure out the problem, but two's job to try to communicate and solve it together, and he isn't doing exactly that, which fustrates me. He rather run away from the relationship, thinking that he would half ass the relationship, and believing that he won't end up being true to himself by sticking with the relationship than try to work it out. I mean if we still loved each other, which obviously was true, then I don't see why there is a break up that is needed. I rememeber from that night, I kept wanting to not let him go, but only result in him pushing me away, and all he says are either "no, no matter what you say, my mind is already set", "you can't hold on to me forever", "this is just gonna make it harder on you", "if you truly love someone, let them go"..etc (there were more, but then I think these were used way more than the rest that were said.
First of all, I never really understood the "if you love someone, let them go" part. If i love someone, I find ways to try to make it work, and if it truly doesn't work, then yeah I will be understanding to the situation, but he haven't even tried and he already move on to the let it go part. And there is a second part to it, "if they come back, then they're for you to keep...blah blah blah" but I feel like under Present's definition, once Iet him go, he is going to never come back. He is the type of person that is stubborn on the things he say, and I am stubborn too, so I guess i kinda understand how it works. Too much self pride to be giving it up.
I recall that day of the break up, he keeps saying that I devalue myself by keep begging him to stay. He told me that I should have more self-respect than that, and I shouldn't be so selfish to the point where I can't even let him go, because, and I quote "he doesn't even want a relationship, he isn't ready for it, and it is because of the relationship that made him lose a sight of who he is, and what he believes in. Because of this relationship, he lost track of his priority."
When I heard it, I knew it was true for some of them, and I kind of understood how he felt, it made me want to be there for him, want to help him through the rough time. I want to be by his side even though he doesn't belive it will work out for the best. I am willing to give up time with him, I just simply want to be by his side like how he have been by mine through my rough time. But no mattered what I felt, I felt its too late for them, because he have his mind set on it, and to him, there is no other solution around it than to break it.
Part of me tells me that I should leave him alone, and give him time, but another part of me just wish that he gives us one more chance, and not a one day chance like he did then, but a chance through a time period where he can decide for himself whether or not its working. It hurts so much, being broken up with two days before christmas, it hurts so much to see peopel toast to their love ones, blessing the new upcoming year, and you have no love one to think of to toast to. It hurts to rememeber inside jokes and want to share with someone only to realize they are not avaliable for you to share it with.
Some part of me tells me that everything is going to be okay, that eventually it will turn out for the best, and that I should stop worrying, but another part of me just wishes that everything isn't like this, and that he wouldn't have broken up with me that fast, and that if I hadn't ask him to come over that night things wouldn't have turned out like that.
I don't know anymore, I don't know how i am suppose to feel at this point. Coming over to my sister's house, and in the room was the doll he gave to me when he first asked me to be his girlfriend just makes everything worst. I mean in a sense there was closure looking at it, but there's spots where it pains to think about it. It's funny how stupidly happy we were back then, how innocent we were then, if back then we were to see what is going to happen 5 month from now, I wonder if we'd make the same move, the same choices to get where we are today. Or would we choose to stop it there, and make it painless.
If we were to get together a year earlier when in math class, would things have turned out differently? If he was to actually get my text, and I was able to agree to hangout with him, and things have turned out for the best, would we have still broken up 5 month later? There were so many different point of my life where I wondered so much about that, wondered what I could've done differently, and what happens if none of these ever happened.
What if I went to cal state LA instead of where I went today? Meet different types of people, and wouldn't have any of these experiences I had experienced. There's just so much things going through my head that it hurts to look back into it.
I wonder what he is thinking about right now, and what he have been thinking these past few days, and how he dealt with the break up. Probably better than me.
Probably...
Its been a while since a wrote, but then there has been so much going on, writing is just not on top of my list.
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