At home, in my thoughts on bed, I can imagine millions of scenario that are played through an incident. I can imagine how to approach each and everyone, and how I should encounter each and everyone of them. There is this common saying that, "it is easier to be said than done", and quite frankly I think its utterly true. We watch movies and see stupid scenes where individuals could save themselves from death, and humiliations, but what we are being tied to and am too blind to see is that we have to be in that current character's shoes to judge the action itself. We need that certainty in which we don't have. We typify characters on screen and off screen for the stupid choices they have, but how many of us actually thought of a second that we may never be in the same scenario as them. I remember as a kid, it is frustrating just to see cartoon characters freeze in the middle of the road just because they saw a car approach and is about to hit him/her. I remember I would scream and tell them to run, and think that these characters are illogical and doesn't think, but when I encountered a near car-accident experience a year back, all I could do was freeze on the spot rather than escape from such event. These things are so frustrating to deal with, yet we take it so lightly.
These past few months, I been thinking about my actions I have done in the past. I may have committed a sin that is so sinful that even a non-religious atheist believe in the term "sin". I kissed a homozygous being, or in another term, someone with the same gender as me. It wasn't that part that made me shameful of what I have done, but rather, the fact that I took no responsibility of the action made me angry. Made me ashamed of the things I done, and how I have handled it. It became awkward after that sleepover. In fact, waking up after your hormones drown out is the worst thing that could've happened. Realizing that all those things you did were just because of the moment rather than actually doing it according to your feelings were just wrongful. Especially when in the next few days, the girl I had such encountered with wrote me a four page letter confessing that she did it not for the moment, but because she grew feelings for me, What the hell self? Why did I even allow that to happen when I don't have feelings for her? It seems ridiculous then, and still seems ridiculous now to think about it. She tried calling me and talking to me because I tried to avoid her, she tried coming up to me and saying hi and still but all I can do is walk away and pretend I have errands to run and things to do. I treated her awfully, for when she was contributing her whole heart out. I was the bad guy in that friendship. If I didn't have feelings for her and she was my best friend, I shouldn't have motivated her to kiss me, or to kiss her back. I shouldn't have gave it the chance for it to happen,. nor should I have allowed it to happen.
I knew she was bi, I knew she doesn't just playing around. I knew shes kind and sensitive, yet I wrecked her like a wrecking ball. I was the reason why she ended up unfriending me and blocked me on facebook. I was the reason why every time I see her on campus or around the hall, she have to put her head down and walk away fast. I was the reason why our friendship turned from being best friends to being just awkward strangers in the street. I really want to say I miss her, I miss being able to talk to someone about things, to be able to speak Chinese openly, and being able to open up and accepted. She actually cared full time rather than my other friends caring only half of the times. Yet I dropped her hard. What was I thinking?
There were so many opportunities where I could have saved the relationship. There were so many times where we could have made up and pretended nothing have happened, yet I chose to do the selfish thing and blocked her off of my life once again.
How stupid of me? Letting one of the most important person go just because of that. Flushed it down the drain like that...
I imagined in my bed, scenaros where I see her, and apologize to her. I see myself talking to her, saying and speaking some sense, giving this whole speech trying to make up for these. But i know no matter how I say it, there would be no way things would just simply go back to normal. Her sister hates me now for wrecking her, and I dont blame her. because if was her sister, I would do the same thing.
I imagined all these different scenarios where I walk up and ask for her time, to ask her "do you hate me?" Apologizing for the years of pain I caused on her, but just now, just half an hour ago, when I saw a back shadow that seems like her but I didn't have the courage to check or even to call her out or pull her back, I felt powerless. I was shakened as if I was in front of a hundred audiences. I was afraid of facing her, all the guilt and fear rushes into my brain, paralyzing me from reaching forward, or to even open my mouth to speak up. My feet began to drag, and I began to walk slower.
She seems exactly like her, the girl seemed exactly like her. The way she walks, the way she position herself, and the way she holds her phone. It makes me think so much, my heart tells me to approach her, to talk to her, to stop her before not seeing her again. This is the chance. Yet in my brain, my logic is telling me the opposite, telling me that I am just heading into a trap. It's stupid, it is really stupid but true.
I wish there was just a time machine, going back to the time where none of these happened, going back to freshmen year, maybe even elementary school and start all over with the knowledge I have of today.
but to bad that is just a narrative of fictional sci-fi that would not happen anytime soon.
If she was reading this today, I really would hope for her forgiveness, because I am the one at the completely fault of what is happening today.
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