Post Break Up; day 5

Is it normal to feel the way I feel right now after a break up? Is everything I do going to make me think of him? How do you forget one person to start with? It's been a while since I broke up with a love one so its a bit hard. And looking back at all my relationships, the only one I actually broke up from was the recent one. My first boyfriend, we weren't even that close emotional wise, I barely got to know him, and without giving him a chance I just left him. I pretended that everything was okay, and that there was no future between us because he said he was going to join the Navy. I could never see past his flaws, and tend to look down on him all the time. I hated that about myself, but my parents played a huge part in my high school life when it comes to influencing, and my siblings are just not helping when it comes to that part either.

I knew the mistakes I made, that I shouldn't be judging him by that, but I couldn't stop myself. It is really stupid thinking about that now, but I really don't know what else to think about. None of my relationships were ever successful, and I think majority is my fault, and that's something I haven't come in terms with. I always think I am on top of things and that I am the priority when its actually not true. I hate myself and my thought process that tend to drive others to the corner, and I guess that is why I don't have friends because people cannot take my attitude.

It is extremely hard for one to change their behavior not to mention admit it or discover it.

Back to my first, he begged me to stay in the relationship with me, but all I ever do is reject him and hurt him. I don't understand why after all that he still keeps coming back to me. He really does love me at one point, yet I let someone who loved me perfectly well go. In return, I chose someone who hated me, who never liked anyone. If anything, he is quite opposite of me, I guess when you break up with someone, and you try to find rebound, you tend to find someone who is opposite of who your ex used to be. And for me that case was my second boyfriend, which was just a like that soon turned into a two year relationship.

I feel like I have tendency to want to hurt myself, to want to give up what is best for me, and what I want. I don't understand my thinking process and I am stubborn sometimes that it prevents me from seeing what I should've done, and the things I should've change in order to sustain the goods I want to stay in my life. Something I need to work on since the beginning of time that I yet to realize until now. And the chances are, even after today, after typing these and realize this, I will forget about it, or have it on the back of my head that cause me to reenact the whole thing again. It's like, stupid me, never learn from my mistakes. Maybe I do deserve whatever is coming to me, including this break up.

The truth is, this relationship, even though only sustained 5 month, is the one I obtained the most love, and give the most love to. I accept him (present) for the way he is, I see his flaws, and I take them in. I don't look down on him or judge him. It may sound like something everyone should be doing, but not for me. I judge people a lot, and for me to pass that, that is something impressive. I couldn't believe it when I first realized it either, and it shocked me. Of course, the shock didn't last that long, or else I would've had a massive shock attack of some sort.

At this point, I don't even know what I am typing. I don't understand why it helps me think so much clearer once I type it or write it rather than just think about it. Things gets cleared up, and I actually make logic happen instead of just going off of nothing and keep getting butt hurt from everything else.

Sigh, I might as well just get with my blog, at least its like a wall, doesn't need a response, and won't react to my bad attitude. ha.

sigh.

Good bye spring in winter.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!(:

This will probably be one of the last post I post this year, not because I am constantly busy, or because I'm lazy or go out too often, but because my heart is broken into pieces. It all started a few days ago when my friend asked a waiter for a number for me. He's dashingly cute, tall, great face feature and just everything about him makes me smile. I guess it's just love you know. In love, guys tend to look flawless in comparison. "I'm going to find someone someday who might actually treat me well" 

"Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now"

Sigh Taylor swift knows how I feel :( 

Well anyways so I got his number, we texted a bit and then he stopped texting, and from then? Never again :( you have no idea how my heart broke that day (which is the very same day) where he stopped replying. Sigh. 

I mean can someone give me a tip on how to communicate with him? I mean :( is he not interested in me because our text was boring? Or did he just give me his number just because it's hard to reject on the spot? 

Sigh I don't even know. I kinda just gave up I guess. Good bye the ten dollars my friend waged on the table :( good bye everything else. >_< I think I'm just gonna cry myself to a broken heart tonight.

I mean this is weird because this is the first time being rejected so hard :( but then again I really suck at chasing after people, I mean if you know me and look at the people I fell for and chase after, it's like did you really do that? 

Haha, yeah :(. 

Well back to this guy who I guess I just revealed his name because of the picture. 

HE PROBABLY LIED ABOUT NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN :( GAHH I can't believe I actually wanted his number :( and I can't believe I assumed he would like me.  Sigh, why is chasing guys so hard? Only if it was easier. But then again, he's like 29 years old, a bit too old for me huh. :/ yeah it's kinda funny story too. As a kid I was always like, I'm not going to date anyone older than at most 3 years older and never someone younger, yet today I'm fine with Bryan, who is like what! Ten years older than me! ARG! Stupid jenny :( you're just like stabbing yourself in the chest for doing that. Accepting someone into your heart who doesn't even probably feel a thing for you but pity and awh. Your only 19, not like 27 or 28! Good bye Bryan. 

Well anyways :( one of my sisters friend, he's like 40 something? He is dating this girl the same age as me. Crazy stuff. Haha the ironic part is a few years back, my sister joked with him about how he can date me, when I was like less than ten years old. And he was like, "oh your sick!" And today, guess what? He's dating someone my age. Hahaha ironic I know, but he's a baby face like this guy I know from college, so he really doesn't look that old yet. Well but yeah. 

Sigh diary, this is crazy, I can't get him out of my head, Bryan. :( at least if he doesn't want me to text him, don't avoid me, just don't give me your number in the first place! Gosh. #problemwithguys

Seriously.