Anger & Regrets ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      People holds secret in them. They can be hiding another side of them, they can be conflictingly arguing with others, and argue over money. And yes, that's all me right there. I just realize how evil I could be, conflicting and arguing with parents over the stupidest things, like money. By finding random text book for the subjects that cost the most and claim that I bought those books so that they can give me the money. Some classes I did buy the books, for the most time though, I purchase it cheap through amazon and many from others cheap enough so that I myself save money, and on the other hand saving my parents money. And then I begin to realize, why save them money when I can gain money for charging them for regular price of the book and buy cheap used one?
      Yes, it was an evil thought that came across that gain more and more greed, soon all kinds of evil thoughts began to hit me. Desperation for money indeed. But thinking about this, in my whole life, my parents practically gave me enough to eat throughout high school, and sometimes even didnt give me any money if i forget to ask. Thinking about this made me realize something, it was because the need of money since I never gain them that I begin to gain desire for them. How did I ever became like this? I asked myself quite many times.
      It was the society that influenced me. In this society, money is everything. Without money, you can pratically live a day. This society isn't as nice as it seems. If you're rich, you gain like pratically everything, but if your poor, well, that's just another story of your sad sad life.
      I seen in many dramas, anime, and stories where family would turn against each other for money, and even from my boyfriend, he said something I didnt believe at first. He said that when it comes to money, families no matter how loving they are, they will backstab each other for it. And i find it quite true in fact. Families do backstab each other at times. Especially this time, knowing that mother have heart condition so does father, I still ended up arguing and yelling at them unrespectfully. I know it was wrong of me to do such thing, but honestly, when you're mad, you do things without thinking, and bam! There you have it.
      It's like those things that your anger takes over, and you ended up couldnt control it. Then the after fall is the most painfullest. Afterfall is the ones that hits you the hardest, because after your anger is gone, you then realize what you said and how hurtful or mean it was, and how you could've made things better, but because of your inner rage you ended up deciding to do the wrong thing and result in things you wish you hadn't. And then if you were to apologize, man you're brave, because personally, i have too much self pride to do so, and I would just regret and felt the guilt in me.
      It is at those times where I close my eyes and apologize in my heart. And if my parents were to ever read my blog, before they kill me for all the past posts I have posted, I am here to apologize for all the bad behavoir and the things I said when I was angry, I probably didnt mean all of them, or so most of them, and I am so sorry for saying them.
      It was at those moments where I close my eyes and pray that I knew how the result would come out and  re plan everything. Aren't I a bad kid, knowing that my parents are old and have heart condition yet yell at them. It's like pushing them to their limits. In fact, I am pretty good at pushing people to their limits. Truthfully!

money value & family ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя *

      In the faces of jealousy  what do I see? An sister who is jealous of the amount of money that was gained from her younger sibling. Honestly, what's her deal? Okay first thing first, sister called in, at this hour, a week or so before christmas, maybe half of a week but anyways, asking me if I wanted to go with her to their in-laws' christmas party. Those rich party filled with people who had billions and billions of dollars saved into their bank account. She asked me if I wanted participate in their secret santa, and the deal was that the minimum purchase of a gift was $50 dollar. Like damn, do those rich people have no where else to spend their money? $50 dollar each? Please, I can go to universal studio with those kind of money. And then she comes and give me a talk about the spirit of giving, and how I don't have the spirit of giving. Well excuse me, my bad, gee, thinking that out of the whole entire family, your sister would know you the best, it turns out that she doesnt even know you as much as you think she does.
      In shock of hearing, $50 dollar as minimum purchase, I gasped, not knowing what in the world to do.Okay, I understand those people they play their games, because what? Because their rich, maybe $50 doesnt worth that much to them, but being raised in Monterey Park, $50 to me is kind of over the top. I mean shopping for gifts around $10 bucks around breaks my heart not to mention $20 or $30, but now $50? I guess its alright because what I am getting back is probably more than $50, but the honestly, really? Sometimes it just worries me how these kind of things works. I understand that every year I go to cindy's party, and I recieve her gifts every year and all, and two years ago, it was a necklace, a really pretty one from ingrid's favorite jewlery store, and last year was a $100 dollar gift card to a sporty kind of outfit store, and cindy especially told me that I need to call her about it and she will drive all the way here to take me to shop with her. Sometimes at moment like these, I wish my parents were more giving, in a sense.
      I understand that my sister is in a better place now, being married into a rich family, and having a high status compare to everyone else. I know she's more giving and probably have a bigger heart than any or probably everyone. But with that sense in mind, like really? Honestly, how do you live with yourself, think back, okay I dont get allowence like you do sister, back in the days you probably get $40 a week or maybe a month, but in my whole life, I only probably get $20 on a birthday, and that's about it. I sometimes really wonder, did money really change a person? Does the value of money change just because you live in a higher status? I mean really, you guys can totally pick up five roll of the quarters and buy their gifts, and those are just from the laundry machines itself. I dont get that kind of privilege.
      Sometimes I laugh at myself, trying to back up my family, try to blend in with them, when truthfully I dont blend in with anyone at all. And to be honest, I kind of dont want to blend in with them anymore. Not this family I am in now. Cindy, she is truely a nice person from heart, and god bless her. Vincent is a lucky husband, and also another nice person, god bless those two. They are like godly couples, beyond anything you can think or imagine.
      Throughout the whole conversation I had with my sister, all she said is how selfish I am and how disappointed she is, that I am not using the $2000 dollar I had in my bank for $50 dollar gift. Okay, those are my leg hit fee. Really? She's using that against me? I cannot believe it. Yeah, maybe in her eye, 50/2000 isnt a lot of loss, but then to me, that is a lot of loss. Too much in I sense that I dont want to lose it.
      I guess I will just have to cancel the winterbreak with her. I dont know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but then hey. If anything goes wrong, I guess Danny will be the one there for me, like he said, he will always be there for me. And I am forever grateful for him. I love him. I dont know how my world would turn out without him in my life right now. It probably would be quite painful. Oh the pain. Ha, so much for christmas. Well, what did I say about this year anyways? Its okay, its going to end soon anyways, before the wold starts.
      I look around, and I find myself where I started....

broke. ):

      Don't you guys just hate those moments where you really crave for something and then something goes wrong and you ended up not having whatever it was that you want? Well, this happened to me today, and actually yesterday and the day before that. I wanted something cold, more like ice cream, but then smoothie or boba would have done the job. But then i totally forgot to bring my wallet that consist of not just my money but my school identification card as well. With that in mind life seems impossible. I didnt have water, and because i didnt have money yesterday and my throat was dried up as if they were the after effect of raisins from grape. And had to borrow a dollar or so from a friend of mine. Like i didnt have enough debts already purchasing lunch this other day with my other friend's money. But that's not the point, the point is that, today because i dont hang out with the same group of people, i wasnt able to get money. And money didnt really came into my head until after choir class when all we sang were god this god that. Christian songs if you were wondering.
      I MEAN SERIOUSLY, what do you do when you are really thirsty, theres no one you know around and you have only $.50 cents in your backpack? Seriously, you cant get anything. Sigh. This is depressing, so because there was this event earlier during lunch and they were giving away stuff, i stole one of their staff's four mini water bottles. Well, she wouldnt notice....i hope. Well that is all for now! Until then? (:

oh and p.s.
you guys need to watch the wongfu weekend with all the famous asian youtubers play soccer! (: really! haha me gusta! *u*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=9-o5bmr94Uo&feature=endscreen