Anger & Regrets ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      People holds secret in them. They can be hiding another side of them, they can be conflictingly arguing with others, and argue over money. And yes, that's all me right there. I just realize how evil I could be, conflicting and arguing with parents over the stupidest things, like money. By finding random text book for the subjects that cost the most and claim that I bought those books so that they can give me the money. Some classes I did buy the books, for the most time though, I purchase it cheap through amazon and many from others cheap enough so that I myself save money, and on the other hand saving my parents money. And then I begin to realize, why save them money when I can gain money for charging them for regular price of the book and buy cheap used one?
      Yes, it was an evil thought that came across that gain more and more greed, soon all kinds of evil thoughts began to hit me. Desperation for money indeed. But thinking about this, in my whole life, my parents practically gave me enough to eat throughout high school, and sometimes even didnt give me any money if i forget to ask. Thinking about this made me realize something, it was because the need of money since I never gain them that I begin to gain desire for them. How did I ever became like this? I asked myself quite many times.
      It was the society that influenced me. In this society, money is everything. Without money, you can pratically live a day. This society isn't as nice as it seems. If you're rich, you gain like pratically everything, but if your poor, well, that's just another story of your sad sad life.
      I seen in many dramas, anime, and stories where family would turn against each other for money, and even from my boyfriend, he said something I didnt believe at first. He said that when it comes to money, families no matter how loving they are, they will backstab each other for it. And i find it quite true in fact. Families do backstab each other at times. Especially this time, knowing that mother have heart condition so does father, I still ended up arguing and yelling at them unrespectfully. I know it was wrong of me to do such thing, but honestly, when you're mad, you do things without thinking, and bam! There you have it.
      It's like those things that your anger takes over, and you ended up couldnt control it. Then the after fall is the most painfullest. Afterfall is the ones that hits you the hardest, because after your anger is gone, you then realize what you said and how hurtful or mean it was, and how you could've made things better, but because of your inner rage you ended up deciding to do the wrong thing and result in things you wish you hadn't. And then if you were to apologize, man you're brave, because personally, i have too much self pride to do so, and I would just regret and felt the guilt in me.
      It is at those times where I close my eyes and apologize in my heart. And if my parents were to ever read my blog, before they kill me for all the past posts I have posted, I am here to apologize for all the bad behavoir and the things I said when I was angry, I probably didnt mean all of them, or so most of them, and I am so sorry for saying them.
      It was at those moments where I close my eyes and pray that I knew how the result would come out and  re plan everything. Aren't I a bad kid, knowing that my parents are old and have heart condition yet yell at them. It's like pushing them to their limits. In fact, I am pretty good at pushing people to their limits. Truthfully!

Losing myself. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      The pain, here I am again, wanting to have a blade cut through my veins. Maybe that will stop me from leaking the pain slowly. The heart stabbing is slowly killing me. I wonder, why couldn't anyone understand me? Is it because I am not worth the time to be understood? Or what was it?
      My current have finally offically hang up and ignored my calls. I guess he is tired of me, but this time what did I do wrong? This time he asked for whether I'll be around on christmas or not, because he can only go with one or the other. Well, very well, but due to the arguement and the sudden call my sister have to dial. He doesnt understand how much her words hurted me mentally. No one knew how fragile my mentality is, but of course they wouldn't, because no one really cared about my mentality. I can be totally mentally unstable and all current wants is me stop crying, and to my family, ha like they fucking cared in the first place.
      Why couldn't I spared with a bit more understanding? Why is this world so unfair? Perfect boyfriend? Boyfriend I want? i think by dating current, I am beginning to know what I want for an boyfriend. But the more I realize what I want, the more I realize I wouldnt be able to get it from him.
      I want a guy who when a girl cry, doesnt just hug them and pat, but try to hear things out. Doesnt just force tears to stop by threatening or kissing, but by being patient and understanding and talk it through. I want a boyfriend when I get mad or sad over a parental issue, doesnt just go, "What am I suppose to do?" or "Just cope with it, because as of now there's nothing I can do." etc, but instead trying to say positive things and comforts. But then of course, I want more that are simliar to these, but then of course, those are not going to be true now are they?

      But then what if they are all right, my family, parents, siblings and boyfriend? What if I am inconsiderate, selfish, one minded, taking everything for granted, and unthankful for everything around me? What if i am just another hypocrite that doesnt understand myself as good as I thought I had manage to understand myself? What if I am mentally illed?

      I dont know anymore. Living under this family really sometimes get to me. The pain, the confusion, losing myself in the process. What is happiness?