Mother ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

It was yesterday, and the day before yesterday that got me realize how much effort my mom gives in on daily life. Even though she is not my birth mother, her role in my life became bigger and bigger as the days went by. Although I tend to forget that, and be ungrateful at days, its at the end of the day that things collect itself and I find myself in my own little bubbles. Yesterday night we celebrated her birthday, and that's when I realize, nobody really appreciate her appearance much. Nobody waited for her to show up, and nobody asked where she had been the whole day, working. Even though its family dinner, I don't even see a speck of greeting. Maybe I am blind, but then the things they do , tends to be captured by me. Jay's refusal to join the family celebration and talks, instead he rather play angry bird, and minion run. The generation below me's ungratefulness, not knowing why we are gathering here today. And the in-laws who are just there because their spouse needed them to be there. My mom have to buy her own cake and do all those things just makes me angry. Why couldn't anyone else buy her a cake? She deserves more than purchasing her own cake. It was at that point I wanted to make a cake just for her, maybe a cheese cake or something like that.
On the drive back to my present's place, I gave it a lot of thoughts. I wanted to cry, it's not until I was leaving that house that made me realize how empty it was leaving it. Leaving the warm spot. How unfullfilling it was, and how much they needed me around yet I was like that. I wanted to cry, but I didn't know who to cry to. Nobody at this moment would understand how I feel, nobody. And that is just pretty sad. Thinking that I grew up all these year having so many people passing by on my life, yet nobody understand me well enough to see how I feel. Maybe I am introverted rather than extroverted. I thought of my brother, the youngest one, though still older than me, he is the third in line. He is an introvert, unlike my older brother and sister, whom are extroverts. It would make a lot of sense, but then as of now, it makes no sense at all. In fact I dont even know what I am talking about anymore. I wanted to write this blog since yesterday, but then because I was away at someone else's place, I couldn't let them see my secret blog. I couldn't let the society in, its just something I havent came in terms with yet.
No now, and probably not ever would they find this blog. I guess this place is just a place where I let out my fustration, a place where I can talk about all sort of secret and not being scared to express myself and how I feel. Although sometimes I really do wish someone would read this and talk to me, someone who would understand how I feel. Regardless of introverts or extroverts, just somebody.

Paralleled Universe

This may sound very initially stupid but sometimes I am really jealous of my siblings. Their status, their living environment, and so on. It’s like everything is within each other. They got each other right where they want them, friends are all well known through out. I, as a bastard child, doesn’t get much of the benefits. Yes I am young and more spoiled in such a way  compare to the rest of them, but then I rather have each other than to have myself. I would really rather go to arcadia high and meet all these kinds of people who are Taiwanese and social that are bilingual rather than making friends I rarely talk to and doesn’t really go out often. It’s stupid sometimes to admit things like this, but then when I am with them, I feel like things tend to change up, yeah I may seem like I got everything. Caring parents, well in compare to their situation, and just a home I guess. Don’t really have to do chores and such, but then sometimes I wonder, how would life be if I was to be still in Taiwan. I bet life would differ. I would tend to think of the paralleled universe. What if there’s another me, in the same time frame, but she’d be choosing another decision, and whether it’s right or wrong, her life is probably way different from mine. There may be some that is alone, some that’s still with my ex-boyfriend, some partying and having a good time, and just others who are smarter or dumber and perhaps within all those paralleled universe there would be one that have my mom in it. The one where her cancer is cured, or her cancer was discovered earlier and was treated before too late. The one where I’d still be living with her, although I may not have met anyone here, I would’ve been with one of my earliest crush which is now MIA because all I know is his name, and a little bit of his look. Who knew. Sometimes I wish I can go back to the past, and be myself, and choose again and see where I’d end up.  Just sometimes you know.

Losing myself. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

      The pain, here I am again, wanting to have a blade cut through my veins. Maybe that will stop me from leaking the pain slowly. The heart stabbing is slowly killing me. I wonder, why couldn't anyone understand me? Is it because I am not worth the time to be understood? Or what was it?
      My current have finally offically hang up and ignored my calls. I guess he is tired of me, but this time what did I do wrong? This time he asked for whether I'll be around on christmas or not, because he can only go with one or the other. Well, very well, but due to the arguement and the sudden call my sister have to dial. He doesnt understand how much her words hurted me mentally. No one knew how fragile my mentality is, but of course they wouldn't, because no one really cared about my mentality. I can be totally mentally unstable and all current wants is me stop crying, and to my family, ha like they fucking cared in the first place.
      Why couldn't I spared with a bit more understanding? Why is this world so unfair? Perfect boyfriend? Boyfriend I want? i think by dating current, I am beginning to know what I want for an boyfriend. But the more I realize what I want, the more I realize I wouldnt be able to get it from him.
      I want a guy who when a girl cry, doesnt just hug them and pat, but try to hear things out. Doesnt just force tears to stop by threatening or kissing, but by being patient and understanding and talk it through. I want a boyfriend when I get mad or sad over a parental issue, doesnt just go, "What am I suppose to do?" or "Just cope with it, because as of now there's nothing I can do." etc, but instead trying to say positive things and comforts. But then of course, I want more that are simliar to these, but then of course, those are not going to be true now are they?

      But then what if they are all right, my family, parents, siblings and boyfriend? What if I am inconsiderate, selfish, one minded, taking everything for granted, and unthankful for everything around me? What if i am just another hypocrite that doesnt understand myself as good as I thought I had manage to understand myself? What if I am mentally illed?

      I dont know anymore. Living under this family really sometimes get to me. The pain, the confusion, losing myself in the process. What is happiness?