Materialistic

I feel like every girl are materialistic at some point in their life. They may not act it, but they think it. Many of the time they think, "oh i am not like everyone else, I am not materialistic." But trust me, if you're not, you wouldn't wish you were part of fairy tale sometimes, you wouldn't get jealous of other people's relationship being perfect, and you wouldn't have a wishlist or a what i am going to get, or what i am going to bribe my boyfriend or a guy in to getting for me. 

I guess the difference is whether you're on the high/point of no return materialistic or just a little materalistic here and there. And honestly i can see myself being in the middle, but not so much anymore now that I am with present because i know of his budget. 

But am I a materialistic person? My ex used to buy me everything I ever wanted because I never got whatever I wanted in my life when I live with my parents. My ex always wanted to compensate for the things I have lost by buying me things, and that is a very nice thing he is doing. He even got a tutoring job because he was unable to afford a lot of things in the relationship that he wanted to afford. He wanted to buy me nice things and take me to nice places and he really works hard for it. And I am honesty grateful for a boyfriend like that, I mean yeah he doesn’t have to actually work to pay off his new car, his dorm, and his tuition, but he does what he can for me because his mom only gives him limited allowance. He is unafraid to spend it all on me, when he is near broke, he still tries to buy me the best things. He watch out for me, and always put me first, and I guess I am used to that kind of care.

Now that I am with present, he doesn’t do the exact same thing as my past. I mean yes he cares for me and he does show lots of patience for me which my past didn’t. he would go out of his way and back in the days, put me even before his education. He valued me pretty high up the chain. Something not all boyfriend would ever do for their girlfriend, especially in these days?

But I guess you always compare it to other people’s best and worst. Sometimes I would think to myself and wonder in the end if this is all worth it. If choosing present was the right choice, because sometimes I feel like he values himself way more than me, and I guess in some sense it makes sense since if you don’t love yourself how can you love others. But then if you love others, won’t you always try to put them first?

When I am sick, when I am on my period, when my throat hurts and when I have a fever, depending on the condition my past would come barring gifts, not just any gifts but porridge or cough drops or food and medications. He would drive all the way from Burbank in the middle of the night in the middle of working on his projects just for me. He would make food and cook for me, and he would always tuck me in and make sure I am not cold when I sleep with him. And offer to take care of me and go stay at his dorm when I am sick because he knows no one would take care of me and no one would even know when I am sick.

On the other hand present sometimes gets me medication with water, he doesn’t offer to get me food when I am sick or constantly ask if I am okay. He doesn’t give me morning text to tell me to eat well and stay warm and dress in jackets. There’s just so much in so much past did that present never did that saddens me. i love my boyfriend, I love present, don’t get me wrong. He have so much flaws, he never cared for another as much as he did for me, I should be happy. I was his first that he have been so patient, so close, so understanding and gave so much chances to. I should be grateful and lucky.

I overlook all his flaws, his mistaken past because I love him, I care a lot for him and I know somewhere inside me I will never leave him. However sometimes I would just wish he’d be more caring in some aspects of life, and put me a little before him, just when I am sick or when I have my period.

Am I being materialistic when I get a little sad of the fact that asking my boyfriend for a item even though he is broke? He called me materialistic, but honestly comparing to how I was when I was with my ex, I don’t see myself being materialistic at all. I don’t even know anymore. What do I do?

Self, stop being ungrateful and be thankful that he have sticked around with you for this long. And I also understand that i shouldn't be comparing relationships since afterall, not all relationship are the same and non of them should be perfect. All relationship have flaws, and this was our flaw. I should embrace it and accept it. Maybe its for the betterment of mankind

Haunting of the Past

I hate how the human minds work, I hate the constant comparison I have among my ex and my present. I hate how my present doesn’t know how to treat girlfriends correctly, and I hate how me ex used to know how, even though he still doesn’t treat me right. Sometimes when I close my eyes I could see him telling me that no one will ever be able to do the things he does for me, and sometimes I see them and finally understand what he meant. When he said it in the past, I would always laugh, because when I compare him to my first, he was nothing, considering my first loved me to a point where he’d do anything for me. I hate to compare because I feel like I’ll almost always miss my exes over my current. The pros and cons always tend to shift and mix and it bothers me a lot.

My ex knows when I am different from before, he knows when I get mad (maybe not sometimes). He buys me things out of the ordinary, he would spend more than he has, and whenever I am sick, he would drive over to my house and take care of me, or at least try to. However, his temper really kills the famine side of him. He is stubborn, and loves to argue with me about the stupidest thing. He have the worst temper that often leads to him saying break up and me crying on the other side of the phone. It’s literally either we laugh or we fight, nothing else. He doesn’t like to tell him friends about me, he doesn’t like his friends hanging with me. And he wouldn’t introduce me to any of his friends, which angers me because he knows all of mine. There’s a lot of problem with him that really lead our relationship to an dead end. I mean, when you see someone can start a fight over the fact that on a day with no school, he can’t drive to Pasadena to deliver food, and then from that fight, breaks up with someone, you know its serious, and something is definitely wrong with the relationship.  What is worst is no matter how many time he apologizes, they all sound so fake, sound like if those were the ones that wanted to shut me up.

Meanwhile my present, he is patient, and careful. He doesn’t dare cross me. I finally get a voice in the relationship that won’t start an argument every time when we disagree on something. And things are finally not turned to my side as if they were my fault. Regardless of why I am mad, he would apologize. I know that makes his apologies sounds so valueless . My present doesn't have much feel for responsibility , and he sucks at meeting his end of the bargain at a lot of times. He doesn't know how to take care of me when I am sick, he doesn’t buy me cough drops when I cough, he doesn't do a lot of things that my ex would do for me.  He is one of those stereotypical guys you often see, messy, doesn’t know how to clean, spoiled at home only child, and just lots more. He would often get me the cheapest food as he orders himself the best, which sometimes pisses me off because my ex would always think of me when he gets the food, and usually order the highest of price because I like seafood.

To think about this, just how much does my present know me, and just how much more does he want to know and try to care for me? Because as of now, I don’t feel much going on, and it is really leading me to think of things other wise. It’s making me think of leaving him, thinking of my potential husband, its someone I wish that can take care of me, not someone that cannot take care of me and have to have me take care of them constantly. It gets tiring. It really does. What do I do?