Goodbye 2014, hello 2015

Happy new year, happy 2015. A lot of things happened, the good, the bad, and just plenty of drama. Honestly, the year barely started and there are already more drama than there was compare to last year. My present broken up with me once again because he says he wasn’t ready for the relationship. He says that he only cares for me but not love me the way I do and it is unfair to me. That it would be better off if I go find someone else rather than him, I will get treated better and I deserve better. I understand where he is coming at. I know there may be guys that will treat me better, that will probably love me better, and taken care of me better than him ever will, but honestly he is the only one I can see long term. He is patient to me, understanding, and accepts my terrible attitude problems when a lot of the others would turn away or ignore me. He calms me down and tries his best to be there for me, and it was because of me, that caused his past few semester to fail terribly. He had me on his priorities that he didn’t do much else besides seeing me, and that caused an effect that both me and him had to pay. For me, I will be seeing him less because he have to focus on prioritizing his things, and next semester he will be attending to another community college because he failed math three times here, or in this case, withdraw twices and “D”ed once. To be fair, I was only the cause of his two Ws, nothing to do with the “D”, however I was in his math class when he “D” the class. It is weird how I was presence in all of the math failures he had, but because of that he can’t take it at the current community college anymore (well that particular math class anyways).

There were multiple times where I thought about it and i regretted dragging him out and hanging out with him late every day, knowing that he have class the following day. Our relationship was never that healthy to begin with. We had sex nearly every day of the week in the summer, and were inseperateable. The funniest thing to that, well it really isn’t that funny, but I guess you can say the most confusing part of that relationship was we were not together yet. We actually barely started in the summer, and we did it nonstop. At that point, I was confused to what we were, whether he sees us as dating, sees us as a friend for benefit thing or the no string attach thing? Because I was confused down to the last tissue in my body. I didn’t understand what we were doing because all the things happened too fast.

It started when one day he took me out to the mountain to look at views when we were sight seeing because I was stressed. It was beautiful, but we didn’t stay there and view it for long, it was a long quiet period I can recall, but slowly we kissed and from there things escalated quickly. All those times where he’d drive up there into the middle of no where and we’d embrace each other was the nicest times although confusing.

The most embarrassing part to the story I guess was the fact that my ex boyfriend, the only one I had sex with before my present, was Asian, and the stereotypes were right about Asian men with small penises. Because he had a small penis, small and thin, like a stick, and even that hurted when we had sex, imagine how its going to be like with my present, who is not Asian.

I think this is the only time I am going to talk about my sex life, I hate to say this, but I don’t think my ex ever popped my cherry because his penis was too small. Because after the first time with my present, I was bleeding, and he and I never understood why I bled that day, but now putting that logic to it, I meant that would make so much sense.

The truth is, I never liked intercourse until I met him, I guess that day I forced myself to have it, it hurted a lot more than it did with my ex, obviously, but I took it in. And slowly (it still hurts the following few times), gradually, it stopped hurting as much, and now it doesn’t. I guess I am not an exception and there was nothing wrong with my vagina like my ex kept claiming, and I do like sex, I guess its just not something you can force onto someone or pressure someone to like.

He have tried to get me to like it for too much of a time that I guess it builded onto my mind set that I should do it just because it should be done. I never thought of it as a enjoyment, I mean maybe because of porn, it gives this false image of how sex is suppose to be like or how a relationship sex should be like when honestly, it shouldn’t be anything like that.

A couple who have sex is supposed to be at the time when both of them are comfortable in advancing, and ready to advance and their speed. Sometimes one can be slower, and that’s okay, that’s why the other wait, because good thing comes to those who wait. (its ironic how I am the one who says it when I have the least patience, but its true, and I have experienced that myself throughout 2014) For those who actually reads this blog, which probably is close to 0, but for those who do, believe me and all those things I say, because I speak from experience. If one forces you to do things you’re not comfortable doing, then the truth is, they don’t love you and you probably most likely deserve someone better.

Looking back 2014 was truly a unique year where I experienced a lot of things I never knew I’d experience. And I am grateful I experienced them. Now that we are moving on to 2015, I hope things are gonna become better, less sad stories happening and hopefully no more broken heart (present, stop breaking up with me when you’re at your lowest point in life!)

AND LET 2015 START FROM TODAY, FORGET THE PAST WEEKS, BECAUSE THOSE DEPRESSING THINGS DON'T COUNT AND WAS NEVER PART OF MY LIFE!