Sudden realization about two past ago

12/28/14 12:23 PM

Pacific Standard Time

In the book I was reading about love, yeah how pathetic of me. There was a children poem, which in a sense made sense and it a sense it didn’t that I’d like to share…

“Love is something if you give it away,

You end up having more,

It’s just like a magic penny

Hold it right, you wouldn’t have any.

Lend it, spend it, you’ll have so many

They’ll roll all over the floor”

If they don’t love you, truly there is no reason to be holding so tight to it, threaten them, force them will not make love return. If they truly love you, you wouldn’t need to be forced to do things.

In the book it also included variables that influence falling in love, which consist of a listing of 11 items which I do respect. So here it is,

Variables that influence falling in love

1.       Similarity in attitudes, background, personality traits

2.       Geographic proximity

3.       Desireable characteristics of personality and appearance

4.       Reciprocal affection, the fact that the other likes us

5.       Satisfying needs

6.       Physical and emotional arousal

7.       Social influences, norms, and the approval of people in our circle

8.       Specific cues in the beloved’s voice, eyes, posture, way of moving

9.       Readiness for a romantic relationship

10.   Opportunities to be alone together

11.   Mystery, in the situation or the person

The need of satisfaction. It is important to address both your needs and the needs of your candidate for love. In other words, what do you want and what are you willing to give. If you want your needs met in a romantic relationship, you should first figure out what your most important needs are.

^

Man, reading this more and more is making me a little upset about myself, knowing that I haven’t done much for him and he have done so much for me. Its funny because that happened in the last relationship too. I give so much unconditional love to him before we were together, and when we were finally together, I stopped 99% of it, or if not, all of it. And that was one of the reason I think he broke up with me. Wow I literally just had a sudden realization.

 I hate to say this, but maybe I am the one a fault, and maybe I am the one who isn’t ready for a relationship. I thought about whether or not I was ready for a relationship before, but I was too scared to answer my own question, because I don’t think I ever was ready. Which lead me to many mistakes.

My last last boyfriend, who is also my second boyfriend literally forced intercourse. With us all stupid and new at this, he was influenced by drama, books, tv show and porn that in order to be intimate, in order to be in love, sexual intercourse must happen. He kept bringing up the topic which I didn’t like because back then I wasn’t ready for it, I didn’t even want sexual intercourse. In fact I hated it.

Honest story though, there was the one day where he was over at my house and tried to take my pants off, I refused and he just kept going, trying to take it off even though my arms were there pushing him away, trying to keep my pants on. And I cried that day, I cried because the guy I dated doesn’t know when to stop, doesn’t know that his girlfriend felt uncomfortable. Being freshly out of high school, things all seem to be happening to fast. And maybe that is why porn were resriticted to 18+, because for those who are under are just not mentally ready. Or at least I wasn’t. Let’s call him Daniel.

Daniel had so much expectation that he expected me to fill, so much things he demanded me to do. And wow, thinking about it now, it feels as if I am becoming the new him and my ex is being the old me. As crazy as this sound but I don’t get these sudden realization until now. It’s crazy how things in my brain words. God I am stupid.

When we first got together(“Daniel and I” that is), even before, he told me, “I am going to be a bad boyfriend, are you okay with that?” I didn’t say much, all I did was hug him and nodded. And that was pretty much how we got together. No will you be my girlfriend, will you go out on a date with me. I just accepted him for who he is. And of course I guess that relationship was in a way kind of a abuse. Because the first year, he had so much on going expectation that he expects me to meet.

He wanted me to write a paragraph each month about the relationship. What I liked about it, what I hated about it and how we can improve. I thought he was nuts, because honestly no one does that in the relationship. And he forces me to a point where I had to do it. And he said he would do one in return too. But to have all my thoughts written down when I have no idea what is going on or how I feel (because that’s usually me) its just plain stupid. Having me as his first girlfriend and was already that demanding. But I was desperate for his love, for his approval. I wanted to move on from my first, I wanted to forget about him, I wanted to truly be free, so I didn’t mind it. Every month he demanded and expected more, and it got stressful, I cried, we fight, but I would carry on. Things got worst when he suggested sex. I thought having sex is gross, I liked foreplay because that was something I was beginning to accept (but then back then foreplay was just kissing…even kissing, it took us 3, 4, or 5 month to get to that stage. Crazy stuff, and I guess what was even worst was I love you took me about almost a year to say it. It’s hard when you want to mean it, and with my shyiness, god I might as well die before it comes out of my mouth. And for those who knows me know I am not that cheesy to a point I will be like god I love you. Even then we I was a year after in the relationship, I love you isn’t something I would say on daily basis. And I guess for my ex is just the same thing like how I was. God now I can see a old me in him. Which is a little scary. Because if he follows my path, he isn’t going to get back with me unless I truly touch his heart and kept trying. And that’s if he doesn’t find me annoying and lose interst in me because I am chasing him. Oh god please don’t be like the old me.). so where were we before we started going all off topic here?

Oh yes, there was this one time where he tries to take off my shorts, and I cried, because if you love someone you wouldn’t force them into something they don’t want to. And I know deeply that he wanted that badly, but I didn’t. and just because he wanted it doesn’t mean he should force me if I don’t want it. And at that point he doesn’t understand that, I guess he was too blinded by male testosterone to see my pain. But at times I would cry myself to sleep thinking about it. Finally I have agreed to have sex with him when I comes to our one year, because he said that if its any longer than he would break up with me. Knowing its my weakness, he uses break up extremely often there forth. I hated that about him, but every time I wanted to break up with him, I would say no to it, because what are the chances that someone would accept me again. Back then I wasn’t popular, and to get a guy to notice me is already impossible, I probably liked him a lot, but I don’t think it ever made its way to love.

Every month, at some random time we would talk about it and he would try to get me to accept it and do the sexual intercourse early, which I refuses, because back then, I was naïve and innocent. Not understanding much sexual jokes, not to mention my strong beliefs in not having sex until after marriage. It’s crazy how they all changed now. I guess sex isn’t something I can do with anyone. And its crazy for those who can go on one night stand and be totally okay with it, because honestly that’s not something I’d do ever. I might at times maybe I would sound like I’d be down, but that’s just my boldness talking, the chances of me actually following through with it is in the negatives.

Man, I typed this originally to recite it back to the book, who knew that I would end up having that much sudden realization everywhere. Oh god geezus.

Okay I think I need to take a break and just process all these in my head now. Everything is happening so fast, oh shit.

Wow….

Im still stunned.

Ill probably post another one later in the hours, when I calm myself from all these realization.

Sister is cooking KBBQ wrapped with taco stuff too. So I’ll just eat that and think things through. But oh man…I don’t think…wow…okay until later! Oh god.

Credit of the beginning goes to "Falling in Love : Second Edition (why we choose the love we choose) by Ayala Malach Pines"