Today is the day (Day 7)

Today is the day, either go big or go home because it is probably the last shot you got to get him back. Well that is if he picks up your phone and can actually make out time for you to see him and talk to him without straight rejection like last time.

Of course, there is no crying, no backing up on words and no saying nothing. Your attitude must not go overboard nor should your emotion, because once he detects that he will forsure reject it thinking that he was right the first time. Time have given some distance, but hopefully just enough to make each other miss each other just that much to talk.

Keep in mind the reasons he told you why he doesn’t want to be with you, and don’t stab him in the area. If you want, talk around the area, and slowly make your way to the area. I know that you’re patientless, but this is a critical point where you need to speak up about what you believe, filter things our and keep only the parts he wishes to hear at the downest time. I know you suck at comforting, so I am expecting a full on non critical on your part apology rather than trying to comfort someone because I know you can’t do it. And I am pretty sure he is well aware of it as well.

There are also things to keep in mind. That if you want anything to work, you have to get the right timing for everything, no trying to molest him before speech even begin, break the silence and talk about your feelings full on, because the chances of this happening again will be back down to 0 after this. It’s a long shot, but it’s the only shot.

At this point, I am not sure knealiing is any good since if he already have a terminal decision for things, the chances of changing it is hard. And he have already self convienced that he shouldn’t have you in his life, just forcing him into situations like that will only make it harder.

Talk to him like two adults, like two mature college students, don’t cry too soon, because that will devalue your cries. I hate to say this, but crying devalues each time you use it, and quite frankly you have used it quite a few times.

Giving myself the pep talk 7:45am in the morning through blogging is interesting because I can’t sleep so I have to do this. I mean its not like sleeping is a option anyways since even when I am asleep, all I dream about is him and I, me and him, me trying to get him back, and him running away and pushing me away and stuff. I mean really is nothing new, but then because I know today was the day, I guess it just makes me unless able to sleep.

Hopefully he is able to pick up the phone or else everything here wil be and shall be useless.

Let’s pray for the best and hope for the best, because I really don’t want to lose the love of my life just because we are on his downhill side. I want to be there for him at his downs just like how he have been there for me at mine downs. I want him to believe that we will work out for the best. I really truly do.

I cant believe I am this much in the love hole that I can’t dig myself out. I can at this point make fun of myself, ruin myself to get him back. Stupid things you’d do for love huh?

Night Terror (day 6)

Talk about night terror, can’t sleep longer than two hours without being waken by a night terror. God help me, my heart is pounding hard right now, still trying to absorb the shock I have taken in due to the dream.

At this point you may wonder what it is, well, its obviously about the break up. It was I guess taking place in the retreat that we were suppose to have next week, and instead of sitting in the front, he sat in the back with his close friend, who is a girl. And of course, now that we’re over, I have no right to be mad, but I am of the fact that he won’t look at me, and he would purposely turn away like if its no one’s business. I gave her the glance, and I guess she knew why and then she asked him why he broke up with me. And from there, I think someone tried to come and talk to me, but I was too busy easdropping on the conversation that I eventually pushed them away telling them to come back later because they just won’t shut up even when I tell them to. I guess eventually we were all standing during break or something (it was a movie showing in a room I guess with chairs lined up), we stood up and he and I were next to each other at one point, and he made the first talk, he said “what do you want?”

I only frowned and looked at him, thinking his crazy, “if I tell you what I want it doesn’t mean I am going to get it.”

“you might.” He smiled, which gave me this reall false impression that felt fake to begin with but I dragged him out. And she followed, which I don’t understand why, because we were having a private talk but I guess I had to do it when shes there. And its like, having to say to one person who you truly care about, how you feel about them isn’t enough yet, you have to say it to their best friends face too.

But of course, even when I said it, he still said no, but this time he said, “maybe in the future, but not now”

I begged him, I told him to try, to at least try. But he cried a lot ( I swear at some point in time he turned to a girl but idk…) we were hugging the whole entire time when we were outside by the balcony and we were both just crying, but he was really really crying.

Before anything happened, I woke up wanting to cry, extremely tired, and wish I would’ve at least heard the answer. Maybe the answer isn’t shown for a reason, maybe it’s foreseeing something. Who knows, I just know I can’t take this on any longer or else I might as well go crazy, because I feel like 2 hours of sleep is already on my way there.

Maybe packing my brain with memeories I shouldn’t remember during the first week of break up is a bad thing, and that typing a 10 page summary about the breakup and how our relationship started just doesn’t help at all.

I don’t even know anymore.

God help me, I swear if I don’t get back with him I might go insane or not sleep at all and probably die young.

Why is everything so hard to forget and get over? Maybe I am holding on to it a little too tight, I mean he seems to be sleeping fine, but then again I am not talking to him so how would I possibly know. 

How everything fit in; story of how everything came to be p2. (day 5)

Been rolling in bed since 3am in the morning till now, 5:21am in the morning. The consciousness and actualization of the break up won’t let me sleep. And seeing my ex active on facebook half an hour ago just doesn’t help but make me think he have the same problem, but then I could be wrong. Stupid social media, gotta tell you everything that you do and don’t want to know.

I guess this is just a sign that I should continue where I left off earlier today, or yesterday, or a few hours ago. Like who knew I was gonna end up not sleeping for a while.

So where was I? I think we left off at the place where we were campaigning and we won, which helped me determined that I should continue whatever was happening between me and him. So that whole summer we had one of those summer flings, the only difference is it lasted. We saw each other discreetly, never really went out on dinner however, which was the weirdest part, because I think everyone else does the opposite of what we do. That summer I think we even hit home run without declaring a status between us, which I was just plain confused about. I wanted to ask him what we were but I was afraid, well more like shy.

Thankfully everything sorta resolved (well not really), but we kinda talked about it when he spent a weekend at my house because my parents had left for mexico or something like that, leaving the house empty and I had him come over and slept over. It was the most amazing weekend, well besides the fact that we didn’t do anything productive, and I think I starved that weekend and I wasn’t up all about the keep asking him to buy food deal. But besides that I had fun, being able to spend every second with someone I care for was just a dream come true I guess. I think one of those nights something depressing came up, some thought or something, I think. And I distanced myself from him, resulting in a whole night of idk what we were even doing, but then the following day we briefly mentioned about the boyfriend and girlfriend topic. And I recall I was like, “yeah you never asked me so it doesn’t count” and he nodded, saying “yeah….” I think that was it. Yeah it really wasn’t a actual talk but hey, what else did you expect from a relationship that started with not that much talking. (haha)

A month later from then I think, or a few weeks after he asked me to go out and eat I guess. Not using the word a date or anything, but when he came, he asked if I was dressed nicely, and told me to do it if I haven’t done so. And I recall replying him with, “well unless you’re coming in a suit and flower, I am not gonna dress nice.” And that silenced him, which was kinda true, I mean he wasn’t dressing that nice, he had a oversized collar green shirt with jeans. And trust me, he could’ve done way better than that when it comes to dressing, so I was kinda glad I didn’t. plus we ended up going to Korean BBQ, which I was thankful I didn’t wear something nice for, because those oil smell stain stays with you kinda forever. He GPSed it because i think it was his first time there, it was pretty interesting how it turned out. I remember getting mad at him for not raising his hand and the service took forever (god my patience just get the best of me sometimes), and I also got into a little quarrel with him about how you’re supposed to use your hands for the rice wraps not chopsticks. And he told me that that’s how his friends and him ate, I know that day I was just giving him a hard time. And that day on the way there to KBBQ, we walked a block or two and saw one of our acquaintance, well or mine at least…awkward?

But the night didn’t turn out that nicely as he planned it I guess, but he learned something about be that day. I liked babies, because I would smile each time there was a kid that passes by the window (okay, straighting things out, babies are cute, no creepy intentions okay?). I don’t know how he lasted that dinner with me, because I don’t even think I would’ve lasted that dinner with myself. I think the whole reason why I was just grumpy was because I didn’t know how to act around him since I don’t think we ever had an actual date. And I think that was how I acted when me and my first went out on a movie date, which was our first date. I literally refuse to order food because I insisited that I wasn’t hungry when in all honesty I was just too shy to order and eat in front of him.

Later when we finished up eating, and headed back to the car, I guess I was grumpy all the way, or so the way I recalled it (when truly I don’t think I was that grumpy, but my stubbornness just refuses to let it go). But he opened the door for me, sat me down, and went to the trunk, where he got out a giant minion and came back, handed to me and asked, “Jenny, would you be my girlfriend?” and gave off this signature laugh of his, which I often admire him for. He was able to laugh off anything, its something I liked a lot about him, something I lack in having and I enjoy him having it around when we’re together.

Maybe I was with him because of all the positive attitudes. He was like the positive spot in my life, he was the bright light that drags me out of darkness when I was in one. He lights my path when it grows dark, and he is there when I am alone.

Of course, I didn’t give him a response right away. I mean yeah I thought about it a little, and I wanted to say yes, but then with my shyiness, please, it would be a surprise if I actually said anything but negative words. I don’t know if he have noticed this before, but I only say negative things or complain when I get nervous about someone, or something. So I mean, if I am super nice to you, then there’s something wrong with that picture. But that whole hour or half an hour we stayed there we just say in the car and starred at each other, I felt really bad because I know he was expecting a “yes” or something like that. Actually, he just expected an answer rather than silence treatment. And I remember clearly as if it was yesterday, that smile he initially had was drastically changed into this upset laugh, then frown, then upset laugh again.

“Soooo..?”

“What..?”

“You haven’t answered my question yet?”

“Well….” Long pause, “I don’t know….”

[insert upset laugh here] “how can you not know?”

“I just don’t…”

I think after a while he was upset to a point where he thought I was just too scared to reject him that he said, “you know if you don’t want it, at least say it, you don’t have to pull it back” or something like that, it was pretty close idk

I mean it took forever that eventually we drove back to my house, and I still didn’t give him an answer by the end of the day, and I recall how frustrated he was, and I felt extremely bad too. He would bring it up once in a while, but I think eventually, a week or two later I accepted. I said the yes he always wanted to hear. And from there on everything was history ish.

I mean who knew 5 month and a week or so later from then we would actually break up, and who knew we would get into that many fights. I regret everything we have done, I guess it happens when you break up with someone. But I don’t know why this one is just extremely hard to get over.

I don’t even know why I wrote so much about me and him and our history here when I never wrote about any of my other exs. I guess he is literally the only one I actually cared this much about. I mean hey, if I can’t sleep for a week because of him, that must mean something, like he is special or something. I don’t know how he is doing right now, but I wish he could text or call him or something…

God I think something is wrong with me to be up this late continuing to write about us when there isn’t a us anymore. What am I even doing, I should be sleeping too. Life really just makes me upset sometimes.

I guess this is more productive though, I mean 45 minutes just passed by while typing this. 5:51am now, I mean its not like I like the fact that time passed, but I have decided that I will call him tomorrow night and go over to his house and talk with him over. I had everything planned in my head, but sometimes I question the things I plan in my head so I don’t know how well this is going to go.

I wanted to talk it over, apologize for all the things and problems I have caused him. Apologize for having him lose himself in the process of this relationship, apologize for losing his priority, for losing time with his project, education, academic, work, friends, and family because of me. For being unable to stay on top of his work because of me. Apologizing for insisting on spending certain times together when I know he already have other agendas to deal with. Apologizing for everything that he was ever upset about the relationship, apologizing for the fact that all those assets lead him to not want a relationship. Its partially my fault that he ended up here. And I think the talk about how I am disappointed in him just doesn’t help that day when we broke up, because during text, I recall him saying that a lot people have been disappointed in him recently, from close friends to family because of how he doesn’t do well in school work and home because he can’t prioritize his time.

I want to tell him that I want to work with him through his struggle, that I would make time for him and he doesn’t have to always make the time for me as long as he rememebers I am there. That I will be there for him and support him until he gets up off of his feet. I don’t want this relationship to break up just because of this, I want it to be stronger, I want him to believe in us, believe that we can pass through this together rather than breaking apart. I don’t want him to have to face everything by himself, I want to be there for him just like how he had been there for me. He just means that much to me. And it crazy that none of these words will probably ever come out of my mouth because of how inward I am when it comes to talk about feelings. I guess it really takes a break up for my feeling to surface up and touch my outside, but its too late when that happened. Stupid self.

I want him to see and believe in me, believe that I will assist him to do his best so he doesn’t have to be alone, that he doesn’t have to go through all these alone. I want to spend every last moment with him until the end of dawn, whatever that means. I love him a little too much to leave him behind, and I hope he feels the same way about me. It’s not about following the heart or the brain, its not about which one comes first, its about how you can put two together and still make it work. And I want to help us to do just that. I don’t want to pain us anymore with the break up, and I don’t want to spend the rest of this year not being with him, and I don’t want to spend my 2015 regretting not doing a thing about it because I truly love him.

This sound like the cheesyiest confessional letter I have ever wrote in third person. I am not sure if I ever will have the guts to share it with him, but there will come one day when that happens if things worked out of the best. I don’t want to lose him, I really don’t. and at this point I think everyone around me, which is just 3 friends I guess, knows how much I care for him, and I hope he can see it too.

I really hope I can survive through the next 36 hours fine, because it will probably take 36 hours until I finally approach to call him and see if I can meet with him. I am going to take my chances. And I hope everything will turn out for the best, and when I say the best, I don’t mean what he meant by the best, what he believes to be the best, but what actually is the best for both of us.

Please let a miracle happen. 6:08am