Been rolling in bed since 3am in the morning till now,
5:21am in the morning. The consciousness and actualization of the break up won’t
let me sleep. And seeing my ex active on facebook half an hour ago just doesn’t
help but make me think he have the same problem, but then I could be wrong.
Stupid social media, gotta tell you everything that you do and don’t want to
know.
I guess this is just a sign that I should continue where I left
off earlier today, or yesterday, or a few hours ago. Like who knew I was gonna
end up not sleeping for a while.
So where was I? I think we left off at the place where we
were campaigning and we won, which helped me determined that I should continue
whatever was happening between me and him. So that whole summer we had one of
those summer flings, the only difference is it lasted. We saw each other
discreetly, never really went out on dinner however, which was the weirdest
part, because I think everyone else does the opposite of what we do. That summer
I think we even hit home run without declaring a status between us, which I was
just plain confused about. I wanted to ask him what we were but I was afraid,
well more like shy.
Thankfully everything sorta resolved (well not really), but
we kinda talked about it when he spent a weekend at my house because my parents
had left for mexico or something like that, leaving the house empty and I had
him come over and slept over. It was the most amazing weekend, well besides the
fact that we didn’t do anything productive, and I think I starved that weekend
and I wasn’t up all about the keep asking him to buy food deal. But besides
that I had fun, being able to spend every second with someone I care for was
just a dream come true I guess. I think one of those nights something
depressing came up, some thought or something, I think. And I distanced myself
from him, resulting in a whole night of idk what we were even doing, but then
the following day we briefly mentioned about the boyfriend and girlfriend
topic. And I recall I was like, “yeah you never asked me so it doesn’t count”
and he nodded, saying “yeah….” I think that was it. Yeah it really wasn’t a
actual talk but hey, what else did you expect from a relationship that started
with not that much talking. (haha)
A month later from then I think, or a few weeks after he
asked me to go out and eat I guess. Not using the word a date or anything, but
when he came, he asked if I was dressed nicely, and told me to do it if I haven’t
done so. And I recall replying him with, “well unless you’re coming in a suit
and flower, I am not gonna dress nice.” And that silenced him, which was kinda
true, I mean he wasn’t dressing that nice, he had a oversized collar green
shirt with jeans. And trust me, he could’ve done way better than that when it
comes to dressing, so I was kinda glad I didn’t. plus we ended up going to
Korean BBQ, which I was thankful I didn’t wear something nice for, because
those oil smell stain stays with you kinda forever. He GPSed it because i think
it was his first time there, it was pretty interesting how it turned out. I remember
getting mad at him for not raising his hand and the service took forever (god
my patience just get the best of me sometimes), and I also got into a little quarrel
with him about how you’re supposed to use your hands for the rice wraps not
chopsticks. And he told me that that’s how his friends and him ate, I know that
day I was just giving him a hard time. And that day on the way there to KBBQ,
we walked a block or two and saw one of our acquaintance, well or mine at least…awkward?
But the night didn’t turn out that nicely as he planned it I
guess, but he learned something about be that day. I liked babies, because I would
smile each time there was a kid that passes by the window (okay, straighting
things out, babies are cute, no creepy intentions okay?). I don’t know how he
lasted that dinner with me, because I don’t even think I would’ve lasted that
dinner with myself. I think the whole reason why I was just grumpy was because I
didn’t know how to act around him since I don’t think we ever had an actual
date. And I think that was how I acted when me and my first went out on a movie
date, which was our first date. I literally refuse to order food because I insisited
that I wasn’t hungry when in all honesty I was just too shy to order and eat in
front of him.
Later when we finished up eating, and headed back to the
car, I guess I was grumpy all the way, or so the way I recalled it (when truly I
don’t think I was that grumpy, but my stubbornness just refuses to let it go).
But he opened the door for me, sat me down, and went to the trunk, where he got
out a giant minion and came back, handed to me and asked, “Jenny, would you be
my girlfriend?” and gave off this signature laugh of his, which I often admire
him for. He was able to laugh off anything, its something I liked a lot about
him, something I lack in having and I enjoy him having it around when we’re
together.
Maybe I was with him because of all the positive attitudes. He
was like the positive spot in my life, he was the bright light that drags me
out of darkness when I was in one. He lights my path when it grows dark, and he
is there when I am alone.
Of course, I didn’t give him a response right away. I mean
yeah I thought about it a little, and I wanted to say yes, but then with my
shyiness, please, it would be a surprise if I actually said anything but
negative words. I don’t know if he have noticed this before, but I only say
negative things or complain when I get nervous about someone, or something. So I
mean, if I am super nice to you, then there’s something wrong with that
picture. But that whole hour or half an hour we stayed there we just say in the
car and starred at each other, I felt really bad because I know he was
expecting a “yes” or something like that. Actually, he just expected an answer
rather than silence treatment. And I remember clearly as if it was yesterday,
that smile he initially had was drastically changed into this upset laugh, then
frown, then upset laugh again.
“Soooo..?”
“What..?”
“You haven’t answered my question yet?”
“Well….” Long pause, “I don’t know….”
[insert upset laugh here] “how can you not know?”
“I just don’t…”
I think after a while he was upset to a point where he
thought I was just too scared to reject him that he said, “you know if you don’t
want it, at least say it, you don’t have to pull it back” or something like
that, it was pretty close idk
I mean it took forever that eventually we drove back to my
house, and I still didn’t give him an answer by the end of the day, and I recall
how frustrated he was, and I felt extremely bad too. He would bring it up once
in a while, but I think eventually, a week or two later I accepted. I said the
yes he always wanted to hear. And from there on everything was history ish.
I mean who knew 5 month and a week or so later from then we
would actually break up, and who knew we would get into that many fights. I
regret everything we have done, I guess it happens when you break up with
someone. But I don’t know why this one is just extremely hard to get over.
I don’t even know why I wrote so much about me and him and
our history here when I never wrote about any of my other exs. I guess he is
literally the only one I actually cared this much about. I mean hey, if I can’t
sleep for a week because of him, that must mean something, like he is special or
something. I don’t know how he is doing right now, but I wish he could text or
call him or something…
God I think something is wrong with me to be up this late
continuing to write about us when there isn’t a us anymore. What am I even
doing, I should be sleeping too. Life really just makes me upset sometimes.
I guess this is more productive though, I mean 45 minutes
just passed by while typing this. 5:51am now, I mean its not like I like the
fact that time passed, but I have decided that I will call him tomorrow night
and go over to his house and talk with him over. I had everything planned in my
head, but sometimes I question the things I plan in my head so I don’t know how
well this is going to go.
I wanted to talk it over, apologize for all the things and
problems I have caused him. Apologize for having him lose himself in the
process of this relationship, apologize for losing his priority, for losing
time with his project, education, academic, work, friends, and family because
of me. For being unable to stay on top of his work because of me. Apologizing
for insisting on spending certain times together when I know he already have
other agendas to deal with. Apologizing for everything that he was ever upset
about the relationship, apologizing for the fact that all those assets lead him
to not want a relationship. Its partially my fault that he ended up here. And I
think the talk about how I am disappointed in him just doesn’t help that day
when we broke up, because during text, I recall him saying that a lot people
have been disappointed in him recently, from close friends to family because of
how he doesn’t do well in school work and home because he can’t prioritize his
time.
I want to tell him that I want to work with him through his
struggle, that I would make time for him and he doesn’t have to always make the
time for me as long as he rememebers I am there. That I will be there for him
and support him until he gets up off of his feet. I don’t want this
relationship to break up just because of this, I want it to be stronger, I want
him to believe in us, believe that we can pass through this together rather
than breaking apart. I don’t want him to have to face everything by himself, I want
to be there for him just like how he had been there for me. He just means that
much to me. And it crazy that none of these words will probably ever come out
of my mouth because of how inward I am when it comes to talk about feelings. I
guess it really takes a break up for my feeling to surface up and touch my
outside, but its too late when that happened. Stupid self.
I want him to see and believe in me, believe that I will
assist him to do his best so he doesn’t have to be alone, that he doesn’t have
to go through all these alone. I want to spend every last moment with him until
the end of dawn, whatever that means. I love him a little too much to leave him
behind, and I hope he feels the same way about me. It’s not about following the
heart or the brain, its not about which one comes first, its about how you can
put two together and still make it work. And I want to help us to do just that.
I don’t want to pain us anymore with the break up, and I don’t want to spend
the rest of this year not being with him, and I don’t want to spend my 2015
regretting not doing a thing about it because I truly love him.
This sound like the cheesyiest confessional letter I have
ever wrote in third person. I am not sure if I ever will have the guts to share
it with him, but there will come one day when that happens if things worked out
of the best. I don’t want to lose him, I really don’t. and at this point I think
everyone around me, which is just 3 friends I guess, knows how much I care for
him, and I hope he can see it too.
I really hope I can survive through the next 36 hours fine,
because it will probably take 36 hours until I finally approach to call him and
see if I can meet with him. I am going to take my chances. And I hope everything
will turn out for the best, and when I say the best, I don’t mean what he meant
by the best, what he believes to be the best, but what actually is the best for
both of us.
Please let a miracle happen. 6:08am
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