How everything fit in; story of how everything came to be (day 5)

(warning, the style of writing is those quick writes, i write what i come to mind, unless i word things wrong, i don't back space, so you may see me repeat a few things here and there, it just shows how legit this is, coming fresh out of my brain without modification.) #respect

I feel like I will be far more active now in compare to before because of the break up. Does it make me sound like someone who doesn’t have a life? I hope not. Haha, its just I used to use up so much of my time in the relationship that time went by so fast, now that that part of my life is over, a lot of slots just emptied out. And I really am not used to it, maybe that is why I have such an urge to get back with my ex, because I want to quickly refill that hole that was once covered. Like body want to stay hemostasis, my mentality likes the fact that it is packed with things to do and heart capacity is used to having a company inside there. And now its empty, its craving for someone new or something to fill it up. Lucky for my ex, he have so much things he needs to do that I don’t think he will be needing to worry about filling that space up.

I hate the way he thinks, the way he believes that it is okay to just leave the relationship just because he doesn’t have the time for me. I know sometimes (which is most of the time haha) I am hard to talk to, especially listening to other people’s opinion. To me, my personality is either my way or no way, and usually people around me are all really lenient when it comes to decision making, and most of the time I help them make the decisions because they either respect me for the advice or they really just don’t care and would go with anything. I love and hate that about everyone around me, because one, I get to take in control about practically everything we do, and at the same time it could sound like other people’s idea, so I am not dictating and people don’t realize that, and I get what I want in the process. However on the other hand, it makes people really dependent on my decision making that sometimes it just frustrates me, because when I am stressed or really truly tired from school, or from just all the decision making, I still have to end up making the decisions.

Speaking of which, it reminded me that there is a student government retreat coming up in January. What you guys don’t know is my ex and I share the same cabinet when in comes to student government. So unlike other relationships, where I don’t have to see them if it doesn’t work out, this one I actually have to see until the end of Spring, well unless we both decide to run again and win by some lucky chance, which I kinda doubt.

It’s been a while since I was gone I might ask well inform everything all at once so I don’t have to keep going back every single post when it comes to something I need to talk about from the past. So simply, I knew my ex (the one who broke up with me a few days (2 btw) before Christmas (damn Grinch)) long before we actually officially knew each other. I guess we can call ourselves acquaintances  if anything. We were classmates a year back in Fall 2013, he sat right next to me ironically, and we did some how exchanged number in the middle of the semester when I asked him if he wanted to study one day because I kept slacking off and I thought studying would be nice with a classmate, and in addition, I was going to be absent, so I thought I could get notes and homework from him. Plus he sits next to me and stuff so it all makes sense. He would from time to time pick on me, slam my phone down the desk and tell me to get off of my phone because I would play my games (Hayday) or watch Netflix (I think at that time was desperate housewives, but I am not too sure, some drama…wait okay I am sure its desperate housewives…yeah…yeah that was what it was…ahhh I never get to finish it though…but I should). But then I would get frustrated, because one, I don’t even know him and he is slamming my phone to my desk? And two, he isn’t so much better himself since he was using his phone too. But that was pretty much all there was to that friendship, nothing more besides classmate.

We never talked again because I mean I texted him one time, about what our homework was, and yup, no respond, and I was like fine, move on to the next person. Honestly, I just said screw it. Little did I know that his screwed up phone never received my message (and that’s why you don’t have Samsung, because iPhone rules the world, sorry Samsung and Asian world). Anyways, it wasn’t until a semester later in Spring that we met up again. Well I mean I am pretty sure I met him else where and we probably passed by once or twice, maybe exchanged eye contact or something but nothing else. But anyways, I decided to run for student government because I was in publicity committee for student government that semester, and it turned out fun, I enjoyed what I was doing and I thought to myself, hey I can do this for longer term and actually get the credit for doing it? Sign me up! And a little before that I officially befriended with two friends that changed my future forever. Those two friends I met aided me and decided to join me and run for office (of course for different positions, or else we wouldn’t have been friends, haha just kidding), and soon we decided to run together as a slate (or so they call the group that runs together these days). As we soon finalized the decision, we starting grabbing people who were interested in running, of course trust worthy people. Along the road there were people who was unqualified for the positions and of course had to drop, but then for those who stayed for the ride, we became closer. And surpsingly enough, the guy who I met a semester back that never texted me back? He was invited in our slate by one of my closest friend. And from there sparked happened. I mean it wasn’t much of a spark that happened because the funny thing is the close friend I was talking about is actually gay, and he and I had the same tiny crush on the third guy we were both friends with, the three musketeers who first started the slate, I guess we can call ourselves the founding father and mother of the slate. The third guy (I guess that will be his name for now) was attractive, well, a pretty boy. And of course when you see a pretty boy, you would go all awh over him, and that’s what we did. Ironically enough, none of us got him, (of course) but oppositely I got closer with the guy I met from a semester ago that was in my class. Yes, within a few month he was my ex (well not my ex ex, what I meant was he became my boyfriend, or the guy who is now my ex. Get it? Sorry for the confusion).

The way we got together wasn’t really that that romantic, I mean we started out giving longer and longer goodbye hugs, and of course, my heart would race faster and faster each time we hug longer, and soon it became a thing to hug longer. And I didn’t want anyone in my slate to find out, and I don’t think he did either (or probably under my influence he didn’t want anyone to find out) but I would stay extra long, extra late on purpose even though I am super tired just to be the last one out the house when we work together, or the last one to leave (since when we work we usually work at his house since my ex’s house is the closest with a 5 min drive in compare to everyone else’s house). But trying to get closer to him was hard because I don’t think he ever noticed or tried to get my signals early.

There were times where I drove him home, and I would wish for a kiss, lean my face super close to his, sometimes close to his lips, nothing. It look about half of a month after I met him that we begun those hugs, and it took a whole month or two from the time we officially became a little closer that we kissed. It was awkward at times because I don’t know when to let go, in the beginning I remember those nights where we would hug for hours. I loved the feeling of him holding me in my arms, it felt extremely nice to have someone to hold me in their arms and didn’t want to let go. And it was even nicer to want to hold someone and never want to let them go. Sometimes I would wish the time would freeze right there and then and just never continue, because I’d rather die in that moment than another other time. I was happy. Only if the then me can see what happened now and prevent it all from happening.

I remember feeling started when he skipped a class for me to try to help me start my retarded car that wouldn’t start all due to stupid connection problem that even his engineering friends couldn’t help with. We were literally there for two, three hours, calling campus police, going to our college’s autoshop class, bringing his friend with his jump cord and nothing worked that we had to call my mom and with a hit of the wrench it worked. I remember showing him my vulnerable side that day, he’s probably the only one who ever saw that side of me then, and I was thankful he was the first one, because he’s the only one that I want to let, to see that vulnerable side of me anyways. I really felt so bad that day, him having to skip his class for me and he barely knew me (and at that time I think my phone died or something, or it didn’t get signals, and his phone was dying too making reaching my mom way harder). Ever since then we got closer. I guess if it wasn’t for the car, for my stupid car, we wouldn’t have gotten together. It’s crazy I never thought about that until now.

I recall clearly that that day after my mom yelled at me a little more for being useless, I told her to go home first because I had to take him to his car which was at the other parking lot, mostly I just wanted to give him a giant giant hug from being there for me because I really wouldn’t know what to do then without him that day. Especially ditching his class for me? Seriously.

Then following that event, I think the next event was when we had to film our video, and I skipped my babysitting, got yelled by my sister, got in more trouble and was punished with two extra babysitting dates in exchange for leaving a few hours to film that stupid video, only to realize our film person weren’t able to make it. (Yup, that’s right, we never got to film that video) Which got me really mad, because I sacrificed for nothing and had to double that babysitting stuff. And I had to get back at 4 o’clock that day too (not event getting a whole day off), so before we parted after lunch I think we had? I don’t remember but he and I were by my car because I think he dropped me off there, and I hugged him and gave him a, then what I considered as “long-hug” hug ( I would say maybe 4 minute?), which really wasn’t that long in compare to all the hugs that followed it, but back then that was the longest hug I’ve had, and plus because I was already running late to return back to babysit I really couldn’t give him a hug any longer.

But from there on forward, the next time I remember giving him those long hugs were just days after we work on posters and banners together. We would get those orange and white banners from the office and with his markers, we spent hours after hours working. Oh wait, no…we were working on our personal statements that is required to petition for campaigning, yeah that’s it. So we would work from afternoon to past night time at his house. From sitting on the couch properly, to lying on the floor crying over not knowing what to write and whether the quote that we put into our statement was good enough because one person had to start the stupid quote thing. I mean yeah we look all professional dequoating the quote and relating it to our position and why we’re running but looking back it is just funny how we struggled over them more than our personal statements. Well, or at least I did.

Anyways, I really wanted to leave at one point because staying up late and having to drive 30 minutes home really just wasn’t my forte. It never was and to be honestly honest, I have never done it (the driving after 12am part….well besides when I used to work at teaspot until 12am, but that’s different) and to do that all just for long hugs from him is just about the craziest thing I have ever done then. I said bye to everyone, and as they all drove away one by one, leaving just me and him, he walked me to my car, which really was only 0.1 block away from his house. Then from there we would hug for 3, 4 hours, and the craziest thing is I wouldn’t feel cold, I wouldn’t be tired even though back in the house, while lying down I was tired as heck. And I remember asking him if he was tired while hugging me, and he said that surprisingly he wasn’t either. Its funny how things turned out. We didn’t say much, in fact, we didn’t say anything at all, we just stood there, by my car, and hugged. I loved it, every single second of it. The hug made me warm, I guess mostly was because it was a new love, it was exciting, it got my heart beating. It made me feel something I haven’t felt for a long time, while driving home, I questioned myself if it was wrong, that whether or not it was just a fling that would end. Maybe it was just because I wanted a relationship badly that I felt that way then. I told myself it’s just a phase and it would fade away, and I shouldn’t be putting much expectation in it. (After that day, I think we had a couple more times at his house, where we would hug long time just being there…I think…) I would always want to progress things by trying to lean towards his face, but he is so slow that he never sees it or he tries to avoid me. Sometimes I would drive home questioning whether or not he likes me, I really don’t understand boys. I would have those dialogue with myself, being like, “does he really like me?” “is this really just a fling?” “what is he doing? Is he stupid?” “is he trying to avoid my face?” “am I not making it obvious enough?” “does he not want to kiss me?” “what if he doesn’t like me?” “if he doesn’t like me, then why will he give me those 4 hour hugs? You’re over thinking…” sometimes I would just tell myself to stop making logic, and that the time will come when it comes.

There were a time where I drove him back to his house because I don’t know where we went or why he needed a ride, but anyways, while driving back, because my headlight was off I got pulled over by the police, and I don’t think that was the first time I got pulled over either ( I think it was the second or third that month, its just really not my month that month, I mean its not like I got tickets or anything, but just having a cop going after you scares the crap out of you okay?) but afterwards (thank god she didn’t take a record and only gave me a warning because I didn’t have my registration), but we just stayed there, I was scared to my death, my body was shaking for the terrifiediness of being pulled over so many times, and how close I was to paying for a ticket for not having my headlights on. And the thing was, we got pulled over right when we were about to approach his house, where I am dropping him off (literally like 0.3 blocks away) but we both stayed in the car, I leaned all the way onto the passenger side of the car, I never admitted it to him that I recall that night or recall what I was doing, but I really was approaching for a kiss. I remember leaning super close and falling asleep near him, wanting him to have some kind of response, yeah kinda lame I know, but I mean we were already doing long term hugging, why doesn’t he get the signal that I wanted a kiss? (he later admitted that he was slow ha-ha, well I am slow when it comes to love too so its really okay, especially since it was kinda his first time)

But there were another time, I am not sure if it’s the same time where he asked me if I want to rest a bit in his house or a different time, but some type of time some day, idk when or why, I know I was tired or something and he asked me if I wanted to rest in his house. Oh wait wait…I think it was the day we were making the banners. He and I was the last one remaining in his house, so we sat there on the couch, I was using him as a pillow ish, and we just sat there after things were all cleaned up, and I think I complained about being tired? And I think he offered his room (yes for me to rest, don’t get the wrong idea from someone who can’t even pick up a when to kiss signal) for me to rest, and I agreed and asked him to give me a piggy back ride to his room. And I wrapped my arm around him from the back by the neck for a good period of time, and we just sat there because he takes forever to move, well not to blame him, but I think we were just both enjoying being alone at that time, by then, I know for sure that we both had feeling for each other, because of the way we acted. That was probably the climax of he climax when it came to the chase. We both had our hearts racing for each other and with the silence of the room, we just hugged. He eventually carried me to his room (he sucked at piggy back rides, and still does, because he can’t hold people by their legs, I don’t understand why) but I recall there were a lot of laundries being hung, and with his room behind the laundry room, having me crashing into hangers a lot was just unpreventable. I was totally fine though. I thought then was the time where we were gonna kiss, but then we were even further apart that we were when we were on the couch. And discovering the fact that he had a boner from all of that and was trying to cover it with his pillow was the cutest thing ever (because I think I discovered it since we were at the living room). We just lay there as I rested, of course, we didn’t do anything but resting since the stupid guy doesn’t get the signal to kiss at all I don’t think there was a point to explain my face leaning close to his. It’s like pure rejection but knowing that it wasn’t really an purposeful rejection.

Then it’s the banner time (I think…sorry I have to keep going back and forth, its been half of a year since all that, well more than half of a year so its really hard to keep track of what is going on and stuff), which is quite similar to the time where we typed our personal statement. The only difference is the last few people who stayed was Leo, Irving me and him. And when finally everyone left, my car was parked on his driveway. We hugged then and there, and I guess he finally got the signals then or something I mean he kissed me. To be honestly, before our lip touched, I was resistant a bit, not because I don’t want to kiss him, because unless you haven’t read any of the paragraphs up there, not wanting to kiss is the last thing there is. It’s just I wasn’t sure if I was truly ready to move on, if I was ready for everything. If I was ready to start something with him, because before, all those hugs, yeah it meant something, but isn’t as much in compare to kissing. Because kissing its like knowing something more serious is going to happen, and usually it leads to a relationship, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for it. But of course I went for it anyways since you guys all know the ending to the story.  According to him, he was confused and a lot of things were going on in his head too. He doesn’t know what he was doing. And according to his “ex” that he was with for what? A week? They broke up because he wasn’t a good kisser or according to him it was part of the reason or something like that. And I could see why, I mean he was practically trying to eat my lips or bite it off. And I didn’t want to ruin it, but after a while I had to tell him, things got better from there, and did I mention it escalated quickly? I mean okay, its not that quickly, but quickly enough. I mean we were there probably kissing for an whole hour or something, because I remember my mouth muscles being extremely sore from kissing that passionately, but I didn’t want to stop it since I waited for so long. My hands ran and explored, of course he followed my lead, which was a little funny because I don’t think he knew what he was doing.

But somewhere along the night my hands got into his pants. I mean at first he was struggling a little, I guess it as his first time, and it all happened to quick (well I mean a hour of kissing leading to that? Yeah it isn’t too quick, but for first time I guess it may have moved too fast). I really don’t remember much else besides that, but I swear that was the furthest we went, well for that day anyways.

Wow, I just typed 5 page font 11, single spaced about my ex and how we came to be. This is crazy how much I can write and I don’t even feel tired. Haha, I should probably print a copy and give it to him to let him read it so he knows my perspective too, and add his own perspective in there. He better not grammar check if I do, I swear.

But that was how everything started I guess. At one point, we talked about it in the car, later on as a month passed from then. I told him that if we didn’t win the election, I would probably not see him again, or anyone for that matter. And he gave me a positive pep talk about how if I want to stay in contact with people all I have to do is to make effort to do so, and the rest will be easy. But with my past experiences with friends, it is impossible to stay in contact with the people you wish you could’ve the most. Then I think a part of me have decided that I didn’t want this if I didn’t win the election, because back then, we didn’t have a title to ourselves, not boyfriend or girlfriends, nothing. We were just simple friends who campaign together and went on to second or third base depending on each person’s definition.

Yes, in the end we did win, the whole slate did, (thank god), or else I might’ve had to quit college, just kidding but still. I was happy, I got to stick with my gang and I get to stay with him as well. And so of course it continued as spring semester ended and summer hit. However, we were so disclosed about our relationship that no one knows about it. But sometimes I would question it myself, since I don’t even know myself what kind of relationship this is. He never asked me to be his girlfriend, we never declared to be in an actual relationship, and furthermore, he never asked me out onto a date. Which is the craziest thing, because we were just awkwardly never titled and with each other. At one point, I really didn’t know if he viewed it as a friends for benefit thing or a muti-one night stand with the same girl type of thing. It really did confused me for the longest time, and that’s something I never had the guts to ask him. I mean what are you even, or how are you even supposed to ask? How are you even supposed to start the question in the first place? It’s like you cant.

I just waited and waited, hoping that one day he would get the hint that we didn’t have title and ask me or talk to me about it.

And I think it wasn’t until finally in the end of the summer where he brought it up.

Of course that is a story for another time, probably tomorrow since my arm, hands and fingers really hurts from all that typing and my nephew wants to watch the hobbit tomorrow too. So its like what what what?

Until tomorrow!                        

TBC…..