Last Chance; day 7 (4-5 more hours)

 Published on

12/28/14 3:26 PM

Pacific Standard Time

As hours are getting closer, I am more and more cold sweating. It’s normal to cold sweat when you’re nervous right? I swear I don’t know why I am having all these types of reaction over him right now. I hate how he is making me feel, and quite frankly I don’t know anyone else who makes me feel like this. And I really hate it, I really hate it. I wish he would know how I feel right now and feel the same way and is only waiting for me to go up to him and confront him of the way I feel. I wish things were that easy, then there wouldn’t be conflicts needed. There wouldn’t be a break up and I wouldn’t need to go through all this. This is stupid. This really is stupid.

I cannot approach the new year with disappointments like this, I cannot approach the new year knowing that he is still broken up with me. I just can’t handle break ups, especially not this one, not losing him. I have lost enough people in my life, and he isn’t going to be one of them because of how much I love him and refuse to admit. I have problems I swear. I don’t start appreciating things until they’re gone. I am so stupid for thinking about this.

I mean I have gotten over my sudden realization, and now I am just spinning in the same mind circle I have been circling for a week already but just a bit more determined than before. Nothing else has changed besides that. I am still confused as ever to what I am going to do tonight, what I am wearing and how I am suppose to react to each of his response. Right now my head is blank, although there are random times where a response or two will flow in, but it isn’t an actual response where I am going to remember when I am in the middle of conversing with him. I mean are you nuts?

I can barely face him and tell him how I feel on regular basis, and now I have to confront how I feel and what I been typing the past few days? If I can barely type it out without stopping here and there you think I can actually let my thoughts leave me head? This is crazy thought. But I know I cant just not try and give up this easily, especially if I care about this relationship at all. I know I cannot. I should not and I will not. Because he never gave up on us, so now during his down time I don’t want to give up on him.

I want him to hear my heart. I have decided and I am not going to go back on the things I say, I am going to try my best not to hold back anyways. Because I know deep down there is no such thing as plan when it comes to a relationship. A relationship is two sided, and one cannot always control the result, because if you keep trying to control it you will end up losing it. Like how I have lost mine, and been in regret this whole week because of it.

Get a grip of yourself, think of what you have to say, and do what you have to do.

Crossing your fingers everyone, I am going in tonight and I need all the support there is from everyone! Pray to the god, pray to buddah, pray to cowlord or whoever you believe please. Pray for my happiness. Please mom, bless me on this, he is the only guy I want to be with, the only one I see myself happy with in the future. Please mom.

Now the question is, should i call him right now and ask if he is free or should i call later so he doesn't get time to think it over? God but if i call later and he end up doing something else, or being busy then i will do all that for nothing. I hate being in love, man this is the time i wish i never loved. Sigh