Black Butler, the Anime Season 1 Summary

      I know its been a while since my last post, after all it was summer + the first few weeks of school. And as you know, those days are rough like wood. Anyways, now that im back, i cannot guarantee that i will stay here all the time. I may come and go depending on the time i have on my hands and the things I have planned for those days.
      I would totally go out of the way and tell you how goes my life but then things are just accumulation up, and like the usual me, forgetful and tends to not do it until the last minute. So with that in mind, things just tends to fall apart. Sigh, sophomore year is so stressful. I am two timing and stressing! So many things have came up but then I have only a short amount of time to tell you these before my time is up.So maybe i will be saving those for another time? Haha.
      Well recently I came upon this anime after Melissa recommending it to me, and boy was it nice. At first you know, like all my impression of most anime, their boring, blah blah blah. But after a while oh my god, i am in love with it so much that you have no idea. The anime is called "Black Bulter", its a two seasoned anime, which i just figured out. Season 1, its based on this young boy, who lost his loving family from the very beginning. And became vengeful of all those who were against his family and were involved in the bad murder. So he called upon a demon from hell, and held a contract with him, that once he, the demon helps the boy, Ciel with his revenge of all those that were involve, then the demon may have the right to eat Ciel's soul. So with that in mind, the demon became Ciel's butler, and from then on forward, he lived with Ciel in the mansion.
       So a little back story of the boy Ciel is that he is a Earl of the Phamtomhive, which means that his family is the queens' royal guard dog. And little did he know that the queen was against his family from the very start but didn't say anything until the end of season 1. Which I hated very very much of this film.
      And now in season 2, things became confusing; well actually let me rephrase that. Things has always been confusing in this anime, and when i searched up my question for season two, it seemed that everyone had the same question when they are watching season 2. The reason for that is by the end of season 1, Ciel though was conflicted on whether or not to kill the last victim because he was afraid of death, ended up choosing to kill the last victim, which was the queen's royal servant, aka the angel who wanted to purify the whole London by setting it all on fire. After the great battle between the two, Sabastian, the demon took Ciel off on a boat floating to a unknown place and he eats Ciel's soul. And that concluded the season.
      That was why I was surprised when i found out that there was even a season two to start with. But then its all good, that means i can last a little longer with the Ciel Sabastian love! ^____^

haha just a little diary that turned into a anime review. Well, my time's up, just stay tune for my next entry then? haha until then?

Unconciousness and Desire

      Many says unconsciousness and desire are completely two different objects, but others says their the same. If you take time to think about it, unconscious mind, uses dreams to express our inner desire. Last night I dreamed of my college good friend, let's call him J because afterall this is a blog, and we can't really be naming real people name since its all anonymous and all. So I dreamed of going to a fancy five star restruant by myself, sitting at the edge of the table eating, just a bit lonesome, with nobody around. And I felt a bit awkward and all. Then the bigger (long) table that is next to me came into focus, and on the table was this old couple, eating their appitizer salad. Then as the main course came it was J who was bringing the dish with a chef hat, representing that he probably paid the place to let him make the food for them. So in my dream, it tells me that it was J's father's birthday and he wanted to surprise him by being the chef and all. I was shocked that he would do that, and just staring at him and his chef hat. And we caught my eyes, and as our eyes met, i quickly went back to my plate of food and my book. Later on that day at the mall (the restruant was apperantly located inside the mall), he sat down on the couch next to mine, I took a look and told him to come and scoot next to me, in which he did and we started talking for a while. Then I guess I went by his house later on or something, and to find out that everyone was meeting at his house and all. (Everyone as in the people who i normally hangout with in college) And as we were sitting there at J's couch, everyone were talking to different people, and I was just glaring at random area, and later, he started chatting with me. We were having a blast or something. Then after the whole thing is over, as everyone was returning home, J was about to leave to head out, and so i asked, "where you going?" and he said oh why? I replied, because its already like 10 PM and i need a ride home. And he was like oh well what's your curfew? And i was like, I dont have one. And so he asked, if i wanted to go to a strip club with him. (this was probably from when he was checking out the 18+ magazines during our trip to fry's) I was like fine, sitting next to him I was kind of afraid of going there, because there would be a bunch of pervs, but then to think, i was also disappointed to see J becoming that type of person.
      And then the next thing you know, I woke up and that was pretty much the end of the story. I just feel like that i might have a thing for J even though i am currently with my present. I feel like I just like being tortured and being saddened. I mean right now I got most of the things i wished for you know. Present turned more patient for me, more caring and definately more understanding and all, being forgiving too, but then its just that I dont know. We always often have things we don't agree on and it's just a toll on the relationship. I just feel like sometimes he doesnt understand me and sometimes he just doesnt try to understand me. It makes me feel a but lonesome in the inside. I wish i can simply be a mind reader and read what peopel are thinking. It would maybe make my life easier. Sigh. like the saying i guess, if the boy isn't bad the girl doesn't love em'.

fuck heads. tolerance to a point that exceeds limitation

I don't normally cuss, so you know when I cuss, its something serious. When you give others a warning and expect them to not do it again, its just a stupid decision because eventually they would do it again, and what are you left with? nothing, not even the dignity you started with. Stupidity that is. Then why am I backing down, over and over again? Why don't I ever learn my lesson from the past? Strange as I thought to myself. All these years, i been living my life, strong willed, yet I constantly get tripped by the reality. How stupid can someone go for love? Just exactly how low can someone go for love. I don't know anymore, and at this point, I really don't care anymore. I want to let go, i want to spread that wing of mine and soar into the sky. How can I even do that though? In my mind, on the back of my head, it whispers, " break up" yet inside of me, with the small tint of light glowing, telling me to stay, i really don't understand what i should do anymore. How can I smile? How can i still  forgive him after all the things he did, all the unforgivable things? How come he gets to get away from all the things he does, yet I cannot get away from all the things myself? For so many countless times how i wished things would go my way, yet it doesn't. All my small expectations for him, are they really too much to ask? All i wish is somebody to care for me, to be considerate, to be there when I need someone there, and to be understanding, and yet all he wants to sexual desires and nudity. Just exactly what kind of love are we in? Do we even love each other? More like, does he even love me?
Raising this question just made me even sadder. He hides so much, and tells me so little about his life, yet I let him live in my life, its as if everything is clashing down.

stupidity i am stupidity i is.

from now on i will not be the considerate one, i will not be the direct one, he doesnt want me, why am i going through all the trouble of wanting to kiss up to someone's butt.

The most common question, "what if I am pregnant?"

It hurts a lot. It hurts a lot to realize things, and among things are the truth. I guess truth are tend to be harder than false fantasy we hoped for. Then we compare others by imagining them in the same situation but reacting to all of them better than me in my situation. Of course, what does that even mean?

I asked earlier today,actually earlier along the week, "what happens if I am pregnant?" and the answer is? "We can't handle it, I can't afford it, and both of our parents can't know about it."

Disappointed and furious, I was raged by the things he have said. What kind of boyfriend would say such thing? And then I went off to compare him with my ex and how he might have handled th situation. But oh wait, we would probably never get to that point where we have to talk about things like that till we're married.after all my current present is just another one of those men who doesn't really carry on with the consequence of his action. 

Who am I to talk though you know. So I calmed and reply, "if I am pregnant, I'll run away from home, and you will never find me,or see me again. I'll disappear in this world."

He replied, "I will find you no matter what, you can't run away from me. No matter how long it takes. You can put my words in the bank."

I just felt like, what's the point of that? If you wont take the responsibility for things like that, how do you expect me to let you find me so easily? I mean the truth is, why would you be doing that in the first place if you were to accept me and your kid? Oh wait, I forgot, you weren't gonna accept them in the first place. 

What has this world came into as? Sigh. Why did I even get to where I am?

betrayal ; la dauleur

Honesty. Just exactly how much does it worth? And who exactly have the love for them? Sometimes, I felt like the stupid ones to fall for them, sometimes I felt like my trust is ripped apart each time when a lie is set out. Just exactly how many lies am I going to take until my heart and brain both explodes?

" Just exactly how much do you value our trust and relationship? Just exactly how much do you wish to be trusted? You experienced deceiving and lost, but does that mean you have to lay its egg on the others? Friendly lie is one thing but lying to get away with something else is another. Just exactly where did you go on May 25^th when you said you were having lunch with your auntie and your mom? Great lie about going out to lunch with them huh, as great of a lie as going to car wash on May 31^st. People who lies are great, I mean as long as others don’t find out, hey, you know, live another day, why not lie about it? But when the truth hits the ground hard a few moments after the lie is out, who would be the one left behind doing the clean up exactly? Upset yes, but argument is something I don’t want.

Anniversary? Yeah its been a year Danny, we been through a lot of ups and downs, and yes we been through the lowest points many times in life and recovered from it. That will hopefully be the downiest/lowest point of your life in the relationship as well, a point where we will hopefully never return.

I don’t want us to fight over useless things that will eventually lead to breakage. I had too much of that already, I know where arguments lead to, especially this one. I understand you had your view in things, but rather lie than tell the truth, just exactly how much do I worth? Over planning a plan on top of our plan because our plan is too common while other people’s plans are rare because you don’t see them often? Please, I cancelled my plans with rare friends to hang with you no matter how often we see each other.  No matter what your reason is Danny, I want you to take your time to think about it. Was it worth a lie to me?

First time, you know, I go like hey its fine, I trust him. This will probably be the last lie. And then what happens? Bam! The second lie hits. Makes me wonder, just exactly how many lies do you have behind my back that I don’t know about? And just exactly how many of them are truthful. Hey, I know I am not suppose to doubt you, but just like the boy who cry wolf, eventually if lies keeps happening people will go from trust completely, to questioning and doubts and soon, don’t even believe a thing you say.

I want to use this anniversary to clear all of our records, to start a fresh page, because after all its been a year of us together. I don’t want us to look back just to find more reason for our supporting arguments, I want us to start new and look back because we miss some part of our lives. And of course, be together as long as possible.

At first, it hurts to see you lie while I know the truth myself. You know those post on facebook, those moments you see how stupid the other person is, trying to lie to your face, when you yourself knows the truth better than the person who’s telling the lie? Danny, I was at the point where I would scream and run out in the street screaming, but I held it in. It hurted at first, but eventually I gave it a few days, I thought of all the things you did that made me smile and slowly, the box of flame just melts away by days. Of course, within a week another one struck, harder than ever, my hatred grew, my cold sweat kicked in, and my trust for you just tumbled off the balanced board. I told myself I could trust you, I told myself that this once again would be your last time. Same day, of course, you promised that you will try your best not to plan things ontop of our plan, but hopefully with that said, you would also be truthful and honest  for not just me, but us. I want a boyfriend I am proud to say that I can entrust anything, not a boyfriend whom even lies about his whereabouts.

This few months, I have tried to be more forgiving, understanding, appreciative and more temper control to those who are close to me, I know there are still things that I am unwilling to do, but hey, I am beginning to accept some things that you want, I really wish you would respect things that I don’t want to do as much as I respect you and the things you don’t want to do. I know maybe sometimes I am stubborn, but before saying anything, think about the tone you said certain things with, if I am stubborn even when you’re talking to me in a non-grumpy tone, then scold me, soon my little conscientious will kick in and slap me. I am sensitive, and I cry a lot, it may seem like I am using it as advantage, but I don’t show tears to those who are close to me, and if you were to ask any of my friends, the only ones who really saw my tears and the amount of times they saw it, man you would be surprised that they’re meeting the same Jenny. I guess I just react more to people who are close to me, like you. So sometimes just hug and/or pat would do the trick, but I am trying to lessen my tears; but it will take sometimes."

just sometimes, i wish that things in my mind could all just come into words and explode on him. just sometimes

Rememberance ; la douleur

This was written on Friday I believe, but just let me copy and paste this because I think I never got the chance to put this up.

Am I stupid to expect him to change, and to understand? Am I selfish for asking for simple things like talking to me at night? I see other people, and then I look at myself. I push off all of my sweet time to be with him regardless of anything, and all he can do, the best he can do is pushing SOME of his time and except my appreciation? What appreciation? Let’s be honest, I already lost all of my friends, and don’t even talk to them on the phone anymore, and now this shit? So I push my friends away, it’s something that I am “obligated” to do, and for him to push off gaming night, or even delay it, would literally kill our relationship? Wow, that’s just touchy. Exactly touchy.

Hecking every time I would skip an hangout, or skip and phone conversation. For what reason? Because Danny is finally available, and things like that, yet now a days, guys don’t appreciate, or don’t remember. Well shit.

Humanity in general, tends to remember more of the things they didn’t do, the things they piss you off with, and the things that they disagree with you about more than the things that you did that’s good and such.

In arguments like this, the ones who first remember the rights the opposite do, looses, because obviously, the guilt will come in and hit you in the head.

The funny thing is that, tomorrow is his birthday, and I was actually beginning to write his birthday card when he called, and now with that one call, everything is gone. My idea, my inspiration, everything. Why the hell will he even fight with me on a night like this.

Appreciation

Am I stupid to expect him to change, and to understand? Am I selfish for asking for simple things like talking to me at night? I see other people, and then I look at myself. I push off all of my sweet time to be with him regardless of anything, and all he can do, the best he can do is pushing SOME of his time and except my appreciation? What appreciation? Let’s be honest, I already lost all of my friends, and don’t even talk to them on the phone anymore, and now this shit? So I push my friends away, it’s something that I am “obligated” to do, and for him to push off gaming night, or even delay it, would literally kill our relationship? Wow, that’s just touchy. Exactly touchy.

Hecking every time I would skip an hangout, or skip and phone conversation. For what reason? Because Danny is finally available, and things like that, yet now a days, guys don’t appreciate, or don’t remember. Well shit.

Humanity in general, tends to remember more of the things they didn’t do, the things they piss you off with, and the things that they disagree with you about more than the things that you did that’s good and such.

In arguments like this, the ones who first remember the rights the opposite do, looses, because obviously, the guilt will come in and hit you in the head.

The funny thing is that, tomorrow is his birthday, and I was actually beginning to write his birthday card when he called, and now with that one call, everything is gone. My idea, my inspiration, everything. Why the hell will he even fight with me on a night like this.

Just like a recent conversation I had with my friend, who started complaining about her parent's lecture. I simply yelled at her, more like lectured her about it, because honestly, having a parent dead is something that not everyone experience. And to be honest, you don't appreciate until they are gone.

Well, anyways, here is the conversation we had, and to keep it anonymous, I labeled myself as A and her as B.

B

my family is pissing me off so .. not really good 

 *

9:15pm

A

pissing you off as in?

9:16pm

B

I do stuff that they don't approve of in which the some of the whole student population does the same thing

which is sleep late .. and be on their computer ...

9:16pm

A

like?

well at least they care

9:17pm

B

your parents dont ?

9:17pm

A

nope

9:18pm

B

well at least you have your friends that care about you 

like me 

9:30pm

A

uh right, who doesnt live with me practically my whole life?

sigh

9:35pm

B

Jenny it is not that bad ....

I believe so ... we just have to find our own will power to figure things out

9:37pm

A

it's not that bad

please its not that bad.

just because you dont live under my roof in my shoes doesnt mean its all good

jsut because i look happy and express myself doesn't mean that's always how i feel.

just becase i am smiling doesn't mean i dont have things in my family that's ruining me everyday.

so dont even talk "bad" w me

9:43pm

B

I am sorry I offended you. was just trying to cheer you up

9:43pm

A

sigh.

9:44pm

B

Jenny do you have a person to vent it all out too ?

9:44pm

A

no i feel like yeah people's life is bad and all, but then you just have to complain about it without thinking about the bright side of your family you know. yeah i know your family is messed up and yeah it may cause you a bad day, but ultimately, the reason why their bad at you, the reason why they lecture you is because at this time, they still care, they still can care, they are still willing to care.

9:45pm

A

so regardless of the things they do you know, think of all the things they did that you were grateful for and think of the people in africa that doesn't have those privileged, or even jsut the orphanage.

9:46pm

B

wow Jenny ! I do think about all of this ....

I guess i should not be venting to you ... then ... my bad ...

are you mad at me ?

dont get me wrong I know my family love me ... but venting is the best solution to let go of your anger isn't it or sadness ?

---------------

It's just you know, sometimes when you're hearing others frustrating  and being mad at something you never had gets you angry at times. Not because you're really jealous, just how they have it yet they don't appreciate it the way you would have if you have them. But of course, it's not until we loose them that we actually open our eyes right?

la dauleur