The Break Up before Christmas

There is a lot of things I honestly don't think I'd ever understand about relationships, but one of the biggest thing is, if two love each other, why wouldthey let each other go like that? Present, who I thought would last longer, who I thought was able to work out with me obviously didn't. Maybe it's because of my attitude (it is, probably 70% because of that), and just the fact that I am extremely unreasonable.
He claims that during the relationship, he lost himself, he lost his priority, and he lost everything he ever cared for before the relationship. And it's true, because of the relationship with me, he dropped math twice, and with the D he got in Fall 2013 (while taking the same math class as me), it marks the 3 strike rule and made him unable to take the same math class at the same college. And that caused him to have to take it at a different college, only to have him drop it again later on that semester, because he couldn't spare time for the class, espeically with the fact that it's in the early morning just doesn't help (since our hangout usually ends late).
After talking to my favorite couple of the century, let's just call them Candice and Kaito. It made me felt how unresovled me and my Present's problem were, how we couldve done it better than just break it there. They have their own struggles, from finaicial struggle to other things like school and etc. Making it extremely hard for them to have time for each other, but they still end up having time for each other. As crazy as it sounds, they been together for what? Nearly two years or something like that, yet we can't even get through 5 month without a talk of breakup. It's really interesting after talking to them, because they have actually struggled through more in the relationship, but they tolerated and try to find a way to see each other even through there is a lot of struggle. Candice, with financial struggle, works three jobs not including student governemnt just to try to help pay bills around the house, making it nearly impossible to hangout with Kaito, her boyfriend. The only time they ever hangout is probably late at night when he picks her up from either work or school, which is the sweetest thing since they live so far away from the college, and he is willing to drive all the way to pick her up. I admire them, but I can't compare our relationship with theirs because they were really close friends before getting together, so I mean when you're already mentally close with them, communication is the least of your issues, so is working through your problems.
What bothered me a lot is when I think about Present's fear of being unable to handle things. It led him to believing that he is unable to be in relationship and work at the same time. Yeah, he is an engineer major, and have a strong desire to work on projects, which he haven't done for a while because of all the other things, he have an internship which he can't focus on fully (well okay i never really forced him to ditch it, he insist on staying the second time, and the first time he left early, and it ended up not really for me anyways), and with student government (which he screws up a lot in because maybe I kept him up late at night and take up a lot ofhis time and stuff), plus family (which he is never there for because he rather hangout with his friends, me, or go to school events than stay at home. At a point in his life, which was recently, he actually wants to find a job just to move out and try living his own life. Yeah, I understand he want to try to gain independence, do what he wants, and not be controlled by his family, but what he doesn't understand, well to me anyways is how he should treasure the time he is able to actually be in that house. I mean there are lots of time where he can go independent after he transfers, not now, because that'd just be stupid, especially when he lives 5 minute away from the school. I mean he might as well use all that energy and effor for school than to have the desire to find a job and move out. I mean its not like his parents harrase him or anything anyways.) But pretty much, from all the concerns there is up there, many he leads it back to the relationshtip, and he never talks with me about it. It isn't one's job to try to figure out the problem, but two's job to try to communicate and solve it together, and he isn't doing exactly that, which fustrates me. He rather run away from the relationship, thinking that he would half ass the relationship, and believing that he won't end up being true to himself by sticking with the relationship than try to work it out. I mean if we still loved each other, which obviously was true, then I don't see why there is a break up that is needed. I rememeber from that night, I kept wanting to not let him go, but only result in him pushing me away, and all he says are either "no, no matter what you say, my mind is already set", "you can't hold on to me forever", "this is just gonna make it harder on you", "if you truly love someone, let them go"..etc (there were more, but then I think these were used way more than the rest that were said.
First of all, I never really understood the "if you love someone, let them go" part. If i love someone, I find ways to try to make it work, and if it truly doesn't work, then yeah I will be understanding to the situation, but he haven't even tried and he already move on to the let it go part. And there is a second part to it, "if they come back, then they're for you to keep...blah blah blah" but I feel like under Present's definition, once Iet him go, he is going to never come back. He is the type of person that is stubborn on the things he say, and I am stubborn too, so I guess i kinda understand how it works. Too much self pride to be giving it up.
I recall that day of the break up, he keeps saying that I devalue myself by keep begging him to stay. He told me that I should have more self-respect than that, and I shouldn't be so selfish to the point where I can't even  let him go, because, and I quote "he doesn't even want a relationship, he isn't ready for it, and it is because of the relationship that made him lose a sight of who he is, and what he believes in. Because of this relationship, he lost track of his priority."
When I heard it, I knew it was true for some of them, and I kind of understood how he felt, it made me want to be there for him, want to help him through the rough time. I want to be by his side even though he doesn't belive it will work out for the best. I am willing to give up time with him, I just simply want to be by his side like how he have been by mine through my rough time. But no mattered what I felt, I felt its too late for them, because he have his mind set on it, and to him, there is no other solution around it than to break it.
Part of me tells me that I should leave him alone, and give him time, but another part of me just wish that he gives us one more chance, and not a one day chance like he did then, but a chance through a time period where he can decide for himself whether or not its working. It hurts so much, being broken up with two days before christmas, it hurts so much to see peopel toast to their love ones, blessing the new upcoming year, and you have no love one to think of to toast to. It hurts to rememeber inside jokes and want to share with someone only to realize they are not avaliable for you to share it with.
Some part of me tells me that everything is going to be okay, that eventually it will turn out for the best, and that I should stop worrying, but another part of me just wishes that everything isn't like this, and that he wouldn't have broken up with me that fast, and that if I hadn't ask him to come over that night things wouldn't have turned out like that.
I don't know anymore, I don't know how i am suppose to feel at this point. Coming over to my sister's house, and in the room was the doll he gave to me when he first asked me to be his girlfriend just makes everything worst. I mean in a sense there was closure looking at it, but there's spots where it pains to think about it. It's funny how stupidly happy we were back then, how innocent we were then, if back then we were to see what is going to happen 5 month from now, I wonder if we'd make the same move, the same choices to get where we are today. Or would we choose to stop it there, and make it painless.
If we were to get together a year earlier when in math class, would things have turned out differently? If he was to actually get my text, and I was able to agree to hangout with him, and things have turned out for the best, would we have still broken up 5 month later? There were so many different point of my life where I wondered so much about that, wondered what I could've done differently, and what happens if none of these ever happened.
What if I went to cal state LA instead of where I went today? Meet different types of people, and wouldn't have any of these experiences I had experienced. There's just so much things going through my head that it hurts to look back into it.
I wonder what he is thinking about right now, and what he have been thinking these past few days, and how he dealt with the break up. Probably better than me.
Probably...
Its been a while since a wrote, but then there has been so much going on, writing is just not on top of my list.

Cultural Difference

We been through a long time together. Been through the happy times and the sad times. It is crazy how fast time past, and yet we change even though we are still in the same place. There are a lot of things I still dont understand. Including life.

I am in a official relationship with the guy I am happy to call him my present. He is someone I am willing to accept, someone who I would spend my money for if I have to, and someone who I don't ask much from knowing he is kinda broke.

There are things which I hate about him, he is a lot of a guy, which is something I am not used to. All the people I dated, although are guys, tends to act more feminine, so when my Present came into my life, it was really weird because of how different he was from my ex. Although sometimes I would compare him to my two past, and sometime gets sad about it because I just can't see him taking care of me the way the other two in my past would. My present can't even care for himself, which worries me. He chooses to party before everything else at times. He doesn't always make the wisest choice, and he likes to have fun more than thinking about the consequencce.

The most I worry about is that he is of another race. And not just any other race either, he is mexican. I mean don't get me wrong, my best friends are Mexican, and I love them, but its just having to survive with them, and maybe last a life time, the difference in culture and food worries me. Because I know he is not going to marry into an Asian household, and similarly I wouldn't want to be married into a Mexican household. He is catholic, although thank god he is not one of those super religious people, meanwhile I don't even know if I practice a religion.

Culture difference is already enough to worry about, if I end up ,marrying this guy, I also have to worry about religious difference? I mean obviously he would respect me and not force me to go into Catholic, but its just the fact that there are still certain ritual that makes me worry.

One thing many doesn't know, including my present is that I hate Mexican food or I mean just dislike. One thing I cannot take is beans, their cooked texture is just so weird. So when my best friends and boyfriend are Mexican, and wants to bring me to get mexican food. I am just like wtf am I suppose to order when I don't even know what they have. And then I see them ordering fluently it scares the crap out of me. I hate ordering in front of certain people, which mostly entails any of my boyfriends.

Thinking about all this worries me, it makes me think about life. Every time when I feel insecure because he hangs out with his best friend, which is a girl who I don't know, it makes me worry. I know he is not the cheating type, but with the fact that he is closer to her than me, and would sit next to her and talk to her while we're in the same office instead of me, it would hurt a lot.I hate having these kind of feelings but they just happen.

But that's another story for another time.
Time to study for finals, good luck everyone who's reading this on your finals! #collegelife

The rise of the sun pt.1

After being in relationship for two month, I was not happy. My current doesn't know how to be a boyfriend. And there have been past conflicts going on, however none of them were resolved after the conflict. It was finally today that all the conflict have resolved. I would add more but considering I been having lack of sleep and right now its 6 am with only 2 hours left before work....so I will talk to you all later.

Haunting of the Past

I hate how the human minds work, I hate the constant comparison I have among my ex and my present. I hate how my present doesn’t know how to treat girlfriends correctly, and I hate how me ex used to know how, even though he still doesn’t treat me right. Sometimes when I close my eyes I could see him telling me that no one will ever be able to do the things he does for me, and sometimes I see them and finally understand what he meant. When he said it in the past, I would always laugh, because when I compare him to my first, he was nothing, considering my first loved me to a point where he’d do anything for me. I hate to compare because I feel like I’ll almost always miss my exes over my current. The pros and cons always tend to shift and mix and it bothers me a lot.

My ex knows when I am different from before, he knows when I get mad (maybe not sometimes). He buys me things out of the ordinary, he would spend more than he has, and whenever I am sick, he would drive over to my house and take care of me, or at least try to. However, his temper really kills the famine side of him. He is stubborn, and loves to argue with me about the stupidest thing. He have the worst temper that often leads to him saying break up and me crying on the other side of the phone. It’s literally either we laugh or we fight, nothing else. He doesn’t like to tell him friends about me, he doesn’t like his friends hanging with me. And he wouldn’t introduce me to any of his friends, which angers me because he knows all of mine. There’s a lot of problem with him that really lead our relationship to an dead end. I mean, when you see someone can start a fight over the fact that on a day with no school, he can’t drive to Pasadena to deliver food, and then from that fight, breaks up with someone, you know its serious, and something is definitely wrong with the relationship.  What is worst is no matter how many time he apologizes, they all sound so fake, sound like if those were the ones that wanted to shut me up.

Meanwhile my present, he is patient, and careful. He doesn’t dare cross me. I finally get a voice in the relationship that won’t start an argument every time when we disagree on something. And things are finally not turned to my side as if they were my fault. Regardless of why I am mad, he would apologize. I know that makes his apologies sounds so valueless . My present doesn't have much feel for responsibility , and he sucks at meeting his end of the bargain at a lot of times. He doesn't know how to take care of me when I am sick, he doesn’t buy me cough drops when I cough, he doesn't do a lot of things that my ex would do for me.  He is one of those stereotypical guys you often see, messy, doesn’t know how to clean, spoiled at home only child, and just lots more. He would often get me the cheapest food as he orders himself the best, which sometimes pisses me off because my ex would always think of me when he gets the food, and usually order the highest of price because I like seafood.

To think about this, just how much does my present know me, and just how much more does he want to know and try to care for me? Because as of now, I don’t feel much going on, and it is really leading me to think of things other wise. It’s making me think of leaving him, thinking of my potential husband, its someone I wish that can take care of me, not someone that cannot take care of me and have to have me take care of them constantly. It gets tiring. It really does. What do I do? 

First of Everything

This had always been somewhere in my head, but then it just never came to me this strong until now. My just recently became ex versus my just recently became my current really did get me thinking. Let's just call my recently became ex Jake and recently became current Liam for clarification purposes. 

Jake had been the boyfriend I dated the longest, and because by first never really rose any expectation besides the fact that he’d do nearly anything for me. And thus, making me compare to him often when Jake does selfish things or be as stubborn as he is. Meanwhile Liam, although never been in a relationship, had always been a nice guy in a sense. Liam doesn’t know how to treat girls, especially girlfriends. He also doesn’t have the boundaries one should have especially when it comes to commitments and such.

Liam, have made countless mistakes during the past few months that it stresses me. Causes me to question whether or not it was a good idea to start it with him in the first place. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like him a lot, but just seeing how he can’t really treat girls right, and when I mean girls I meant me just pisses me off.

Then I look at my most current crush whom I give up on. Let’s call him Ed for now. It wasn’t his look that got me into Ed in the first place, because when I first met him, I didn’t have these feelings I had recently. It was the prolonged time spending together that got me liking him more and more. And of course, slowly, falling for him and his personality. It’s funny, because I think he is the first person I fell for the personality first, he is also one of the longest crush I have had that showed some sort of interest in me and was willing to pay for everything during our first “hangout”.

To talk about this, we have to rewind back to the date we had, or the “hangout”, or so we call it that. It felt a bit like a date because he paid for the tickets and offered to buy me food in the theater. Even after I refuse, he purchases a giant water bottle for me, which probably costed around $3 dollars because the total came out to be $17 or so dollars when the only thing he bought were a plastic square bag of M&Ms that market value probably costed $2-$2.50 max, a box of sour patch you’d see in the 99 cent store, and two large water bottle, those good quality ones too, that is probably marketed $2 dollars but all charged probably double or triple the price. During the movie,  I got to admit there were many awkward moments, and by the ending, there were millisecond moments where we could’ve probably kissed, but I held back because I never really been on a date date like that before. Not to sound stupid, but I didn’t know what to do, especially in situations like that. The night ended with a goodbye, when we arrived at my house, I got out only to see his disappointed face when I opened the door, “oh we’re not staying in the car? That’s fine” but of course who knew if he was serious about that or not.

But when I saw him taking off, in my stomach, something just doesn’t sit right. In my head, I knew this was it, and if anything were to happen it had to be today because I would probably not hangout with him ever again after this due to the fact that school is starting on one hand, and he works on most days that I am free. And with his raincheck rate, it usually takes forever to schedule a hangout with him in the first place.

So after countless moments of thinking, I decided to dial his number, and closed my eyes, hoping I don’t mess it up. When he picked up the phone, my heart raced to the top of my skull as I can feel the blood of nervousness just pumping through telling me all sort of thoughts and sanrio of how this all could’ve gone.

I told him from one of the classic out of the book for an underage ish type of people. Typical reason, “I left my keys in my house, and my parents aren’t home, I am locked out of my house”

His first response was “oh shit,” and second was, “let me get off of the nearest exit and go back.”

Without second question or doubt, and that’s the type of people I like. Gentlemen and just considerate. Especially with those kind of things, I mean a lot of douche bags would just be like, oh locked out? Sucks for you, too bad. But Ed actually comes back to you. And I am quite grateful for that. Which is why after the first date, it made me want to ask him to a second although knowing it’s a bit impossible.

Why is he driving me crazy. I hate love.

Early Cease of Pleasure

"Early Cease of Pleasure", sounds deep and simple, but trust me, it took me a while to think over. I first was going to name it "Orgasm happened too fast", only to realized that for the past, everything I written in this blog is more metaphorical than literal. So then I modified a little, thinking hmm..something starting with Pleasure, but obviously going for "Pleasure ending too fast, or pleasure that ends too fast" isn't a good title to have on a blog such as mine.

So I started thinking of words to replace with the words I have already modified, cease popped up in my head and I thought it'd be a great idea to use it.

====

So as many of you I believed have experience during your sexual intercourse aka sex, is an orgasm happening too early on. Rather than both partner achieving orgasm at the same time, one person had theirs way before another. And usually, it is the men who achieve their orgasm first, and of course would stop afterwards because 1) their penis will obviously grow soft after the ejaculation of the semen, meanwhile 2) after achieving orgasm, the desire of continuing to try to satisfy the other drops instantly to zero if not negatives.

I think this is a problem a lot of men have, especially those who first encountered sex. 

According to ShareCare, a question was asked about how long it typically takes to achieve orgasm, and it was answered by a cardiologist Mehmet Oz, MD, Cardiology, 

"The average man achieves orgasm in three to five minutes; it can take a woman four times as long. This is one reason many women don't achieve orgasm in every sexual encounter. If they feel pressured to have an orgasm, it can make a sexual encounter more stressful than tax day. And that just about guarantees a woman won't have an orgasm."

Following the read, on the side bar it shows this.
Achieving Orgasm
A satisfying sex life doesn't require orgasmbut achieving orgasm has its own rewards. The process of achieving orgasm is very different for men than for women. For difficulties with female orgasm or male orgasm, communication with your partner, and your doctor, are the best first steps to solving any problems. 

But honestly, how do one communicate with their partner, especially about sex life, and more over are they even willing to listen? I mean does the logic of pleasuring the women never came across their mind. I mean I do women don't release semen to indicate that they're done, but men should still have figured it out when they realize things are going wrong. They should look up ways on how to satisfy a women rather than just do what they want like the diva they are. 

Profile Pictures, just another part of repression surfacing

Thinking that today would be one of those days in which where things would just be relaxing, after all it is Friday anyways. That was all until the facebook notification showed up with my past’s profile picture, with another girl. I froze and struggled, after all I did like him for a longer period of time than any of others, and he is the only one I have serious feelings for, the one I seriously loved. The first person I learned to love, although the wrong way to express those feelings but the one who my true heart lay on/upon.

In the end, I decided to like it, I mean I only gave it a one minute thought, but then I thought that was probably enough given the fact that I guess to grand him the happiness he deserve, to show that he does deserve happiness, someone else who is not me, someone else who would do a better job at taking care of him then me. I really hate the fact that he takes up that much of the space in my heart. I hate the fact that he gave up on me. I know I told myself that this is okay, this is his moment, however I just can’t get over the fact that he is actually moving on.
She is beautiful, and most important of all, he likes her, and she will probably 99.9% treat him better than I ever would. And for sure not break his feelings while at it. And I owe him to that. I guess I just have to wish him happiness at this point and like his profile picture. Like I said before, I owed him that.

I am the type of person who sinks all types of feelings deep within in me because that is just the way I am. And normally, people wouldn’t know, after all in this society, most people are there only about themselves, and I hate that about the society. There aren’t that much listeners out there, plus I think due to the nurture environment I lived in, it caused me to repress all my feelings and thoughts inside, and I hate it. I rather get away and repress my ugly thoughts than to face them, or just simply the thoughts that are too overwhelming, and the worst part is because of that it hurts a lot more when I click the unpause button to my repressed thoughts and finally face them. Because the whole still turns while I hide some moments of me, so when I take out those feelings that I repress, it gets hard to play catch up.