Haunting of the Past

I hate how the human minds work, I hate the constant comparison I have among my ex and my present. I hate how my present doesn’t know how to treat girlfriends correctly, and I hate how me ex used to know how, even though he still doesn’t treat me right. Sometimes when I close my eyes I could see him telling me that no one will ever be able to do the things he does for me, and sometimes I see them and finally understand what he meant. When he said it in the past, I would always laugh, because when I compare him to my first, he was nothing, considering my first loved me to a point where he’d do anything for me. I hate to compare because I feel like I’ll almost always miss my exes over my current. The pros and cons always tend to shift and mix and it bothers me a lot.

My ex knows when I am different from before, he knows when I get mad (maybe not sometimes). He buys me things out of the ordinary, he would spend more than he has, and whenever I am sick, he would drive over to my house and take care of me, or at least try to. However, his temper really kills the famine side of him. He is stubborn, and loves to argue with me about the stupidest thing. He have the worst temper that often leads to him saying break up and me crying on the other side of the phone. It’s literally either we laugh or we fight, nothing else. He doesn’t like to tell him friends about me, he doesn’t like his friends hanging with me. And he wouldn’t introduce me to any of his friends, which angers me because he knows all of mine. There’s a lot of problem with him that really lead our relationship to an dead end. I mean, when you see someone can start a fight over the fact that on a day with no school, he can’t drive to Pasadena to deliver food, and then from that fight, breaks up with someone, you know its serious, and something is definitely wrong with the relationship.  What is worst is no matter how many time he apologizes, they all sound so fake, sound like if those were the ones that wanted to shut me up.

Meanwhile my present, he is patient, and careful. He doesn’t dare cross me. I finally get a voice in the relationship that won’t start an argument every time when we disagree on something. And things are finally not turned to my side as if they were my fault. Regardless of why I am mad, he would apologize. I know that makes his apologies sounds so valueless . My present doesn't have much feel for responsibility , and he sucks at meeting his end of the bargain at a lot of times. He doesn't know how to take care of me when I am sick, he doesn’t buy me cough drops when I cough, he doesn't do a lot of things that my ex would do for me.  He is one of those stereotypical guys you often see, messy, doesn’t know how to clean, spoiled at home only child, and just lots more. He would often get me the cheapest food as he orders himself the best, which sometimes pisses me off because my ex would always think of me when he gets the food, and usually order the highest of price because I like seafood.

To think about this, just how much does my present know me, and just how much more does he want to know and try to care for me? Because as of now, I don’t feel much going on, and it is really leading me to think of things other wise. It’s making me think of leaving him, thinking of my potential husband, its someone I wish that can take care of me, not someone that cannot take care of me and have to have me take care of them constantly. It gets tiring. It really does. What do I do?